How Do You Have An Enlightened Marriage/relationship?

[Peace and Love]

Hey Actualized.org Family!

I was wondering if anyone had any information on how to have a healthy marriage and relationship from an enlightened perspective?

Of course you can have a relationship with someone and not be in love- and you're not happy.
Of course you can have a relationship with another and be in love with them and not be enlightened...

But how does it work if both partners are enlightened and how does one attain that?

From my research and personal journey so far, and people that I talk to it is pretty much a prerequisite that you TRULY love yourself before you can give love to another person. Also I've noticed from people that I know that are in happy long term relationships, they were not looking to be with anyone, and love found them!  They were not chasing love.  Love just came to them unexpectedly.

I KNOW MARRIAGE can be a very spiritual thing.  I know you don't need to get married or have a relationship to obtain personal development, but I'm interested in the dynamics of how it works.

I don't think people realize that when they are at that alter taking those vows, that they are making a very powerful unconditional love commitment.  To love someone unconditionally, through sickness, and good health, good times and bad.  I can just imagine how powerful a union can be if both people are enlightened or on an enlightened path, both working on themselves doing personal development.  Like a union where there is this partnership where they enhance each other, and help each other go after their goals and dreams...their life purpose, becoming a sage...meditating together.....etc.  Are their couples out there that exist that already do this?  Where can I find more information about this?

Also I noticed from people I talk to that are successfully married and have children they describe it as if you are sacrificing yourself for another person.  And I'm talking on the terms of COMPASSION and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Your life is no longer just about you, but another person, or people (if you have kids).  But this giving is considered a part of your growth and helping to become a SAGE or enhance your love for people. 
 
What are your thoughts?  What is your advice?  Where can I find more information?  Thanks Everyone for your Help!


 

[Prabhaker]

@Peace and Love

Relationship is one of the mysteries. And because it exists between two persons, it depends on both. Whenever two persons meet, a new world is created. Just by their meeting, a new phenomenon comes into existence — which was not before, which never existed before. And through that new phenomenon, both persons are changed and transformed. Unrelated, you are one thing; related, immediately you become something else. A new thing has happened. A woman when she becomes a lover is no longer the same woman.

A man when he becomes a father is no longer the same man. A child is born, but we miss one point completely; the moment the child is born, the mother is also born. This never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother never. And a mother is something absolutely new. Relationship is created by you, but then, in its turn, relationship creates you. Two persons meet, that means two worlds meet. It is not a simple thing but very complex, the most complex.

Each person is a world unto himself or herself, a complex mystery with a long past and an eternal future. In the beginning only peripheries meet. But if the relationship grows intimate, becomes closer, becomes deeper, then by and by centers start meeting. When centers meet, it is called love. When peripheries meet, it is acquaintance. You touch the person from the without, just from the boundary, then it is acquaintance. Many times you start calling your acquaintance your love. Then you are in a fallacy. Acquaintance is not love.

Love is very rare. To meet a person at his center is to pass through a revolution yourself, because if you want to meet a person at his center, you will have to allow that person to reach to your center also. You will have to become vulnerable, absolutely vulnerable, open. It is risky. To allow somebody to reach your center is risky, dangerous, because you never know what that person will do to you. And once all your secrets are known, once your hiddenness has become unhidden, once you are exposed completely, what that other person will do, you never know. The fear is there. That’s why we never open.

Just acquaintance, and we think that love has happened. Peripheries meet, and we think we have met. You are not your periphery. Really, the periphery is the boundary where you end, just the fencing around you. It is not you! The periphery is the place where you end and the world begins. Even husbands and wives who may have lived together for many years may be just acquaintances. They may not have known each other. And the more you live with someone, the more you forget completely that the centers have remained unknown.

So the first thing to be understood is: don’t take acquaintance as love. You may be making love, you may be sexually related, but sex is also peripheral. Unless centers meet, sex is just a meeting of two bodies. And a meeting of two bodies is not your meeting. Sex also remains acquaintance –physical, bodily, but still acquaintance. You can allow somebody to enter to your center only when you are not afraid, when you are not fearful. So I say to you that there are two types of living. One: fear-oriented; one: love-oriented.

Fear-oriented living can never lead you into deep relationship. You remain afraid, and the other cannot be allowed, cannot be allowed to penetrate you to your very core. To an extent you allow the other and then the wall comes and everything stops. The love-oriented person is the religious person. The love-oriented person means one who is not afraid of the future, one who is not afraid of the result and the consequence, who lives here and now. Don’t be bothered about the result. That is the fear-oriented mind. Don’t think about what will happen out of it.

Just be here, and act totally. Don’t calculate. A fear-oriented man is always calculating, planning, arranging, safeguarding. His whole life is lost in this way.

[Mr Here and Now]

You should read the power of now. Enlightened relationships are chapter 8.

[ajasatya]

@Peace and Love i'm going to answer from my own experience

• learn how to be 100% happy alone and build solidity on that state
• don't demand anything from others
• know that people only hurt others because they're suffering
• be able to love everyone. EVERYONE. not just your intimate lover
• learn how to satisfy yourself WHILE satisfying the other person sexually
• don't quit things you enjoy doing alone
• even on a LTR, know and feel that you'd be just fine if it doesn't work

[Toby]

I bought the the audiobook "the one of us" from Adyashanti and his wife Mukti some time ago. I found it very enlightening regarding relationship from an awakened perspective.

[Bob84]

@Peace and Love In both cases they are constructs. The only thing that changes is the awareness of set constructs. And the other constructs that get created as a result.

[Peace and Love]

@Mr Here and Now

On 12/11/2016 at 6:23 PM, Mr Here and Now said:

You should read the power of now. Enlightened relationships are chapter 8.

Good Idea!  I just recently received the audio book version of "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle as a gift not too long ago.....I'll have to take a look.  Thanks for the tip!

[Peace and Love]

@Toby

23 hours ago, Toby said:

I bought the the audiobook "the one of us" from Adyashanti and his wife Mukti some time ago. I found it very enlightening regarding relationship from an awakened perspective.

I haven't heard about that one.  I'll have to check that out. Thanks!

[Peace and Love]

@NTOgen

On 12/11/2016 at 4:25 PM, NTOgen said:

I have no particular thoughts on it but maybe you'll like this video:

 

This is a great video...and the website is even better.  I'll have to purchase the full interview soon so I can get a good scope of what they are talking about. http://shiningworld.com/site/shop/index.php?route=product/product&product_id=133
 

Thanks!

[Peace and Love]

@NTOgen

This video also has a good point here....you do really need to think about why you want to have a relationship in the first place....NEED is not LOVE.  It is so easy to fall into the trap of being in love with someone for the wrong reasons.   This need is based off the ego....an insecurity within the subconscious mind.

[Peace and Love]

On 12/11/2016 at 8:16 PM, ajasatya said:

@Peace and Love i'm going to answer from my own experience

• learn how to be 100% happy alone and build solidity on that state
• don't demand anything from others
• know that people only hurt others because they're suffering
• be able to love everyone. EVERYONE. not just your intimate lover
• learn how to satisfy yourself WHILE satisfying the other person sexually
• don't quit things you enjoy doing alone
• even on a LTR, know and feel that you'd be just fine if it doesn't work

@ajasatya I totally agree with you on this.  We all need to do some serious deep personal development work before we dive in or even attempt to have a serious relationship.  But I wonder how this all plays out if you have children??.....with children....you need both parents for them to really learn what love is and for them to develop fully.  (I mean yeah you can raise children with a single parent, but I think there is a reason we need both of them.  Like a spiritual connection.  A balance of yin and yang, of male and female energy)

  But if they have to stay together....that's not love.....LOVE is FREEDOM.....I'm trying to figure out where my perception is wrong on this matter.  I'm single with no children of my own, so it is very hard for me to grasp this concept.

[ajasatya]

@Peace and Love i feel like i can help you with some clarifications so you may find your middle path. unfortunately i can only talk about going from the single-with-no-child state to the married-with-children state because that's my own path. which is also good, because you can make use of my words.

i had to go through a celibacy training stage to reach the comprehension i have right now. i lived as a zen monk until i could free myself from the needs of sexual satisfaction. then i met my girlfriend on a kundalini yoga event. we started to talk and quickly we found out that both of us had Truth as the primary value to live by.

we do not feel as if there were some obligation for us to live together. we simply enjoy the calmness of each other's presence and it floods into our sexual intimacy like nectar dropping from a flower.

yes, love is freedom. we love everyone. but there's intimate love, which grows DEEPER and DEEPER as we practice presence and synchronicity. and it can go infinitely deep as we mature together with sincerity and non-attachment.

my advice is: heal yourself completely. clean your past as soon as possible so you can start living your own truth. enjoy a healthy life from now on and wish happiness for everyone around you.

[Peace and Love]

@NTOgen  -  good idea! lol Thanks! 

[Peace and Love]

Looks like Gary Zukav has a book too...looks like it's worth reading too. 

[Peace and Love]

@ajasatya

25 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

@Peace and Love i feel like i can help you with some clarifications so you may find your middle path. unfortunately i can only talk about going from the single-with-no-child state to the married-with-children state because that's my own path. which is also good, because you can make use of my words.

i had to go through a celibacy training stage to reach the comprehension i have right now. i lived as a zen monk until i could free myself from the needs of sexual satisfaction. then i met my girlfriend on a kundalini yoga event. we started to talk and quickly we found out that both of us had Truth as the primary value to live by.

we do not feel as if there were some obligation for us to live together. we simply enjoy the calmness of each other's presence and it floods into our sexual intimacy like nectar dropping from a flower.

yes, love is freedom. we love everyone. but there's intimate love, which grows DEEPER and DEEPER as we practice presence and synchronicity. and it can go infinitely deep as we mature together with sincerity and non-attachment.

my advice is: heal yourself completely. clean your past as soon as possible so you can start living your own truth. enjoy a healthy life from now on and wish happiness for everyone around you.

I could not agree more with you.  I need to do a lot of forgiveness work, which is what I've been putting my primary focus on.  And it's great because I'm seeing a really fast transformation within myself.   It's like I don't even recognize myself anymore.  I've mentioned recently in another post that my dad passed away a few months ago, and how I had a lot of anger and frustration towards him because of how he treated me in my past.  It is NOW my time to show compassion and send him love and let go.  It is only my ego and my thoughts that think there is a problem. Parents play a huge part in how you view relationships and the type of relationships you attract.  I've noticed the pattern that I have created in my life.  I've been single for the last 8 going on 9 years and for a great reason.  And I went on a wild journey where I got involved in adult entertainment for several years. I've learned so much from my mistakes.  After walking away from the sex and becoming more celibate I've noticed a huge shift.  Sex is indeed an addiction.  And people...a lover can be an addiction if we are not careful if our thoughts are not in the right place.  I've learned to give back to others and show compassion for other people while working with people using hypnosis, reiki and life coaching.  I have found my life purpose. I just KNOW I need to create a Burning Self Love within myself.  That is my next step.

I've been seeking TRUTH since I was 16 years old so I know it is definitely my top value.

And health has many aspects to it....spiritually, mentally, and physically.  There is indeed a balance that needs to be kept so that we can thrive.  I've taken it upon myself to drastically change my diet, which has in turn affected me mentally and spiritually.  The food we eat effects the way we think.   The thoughts and affirmations in our mind impact our actions, and that effects our SUCCESS!   You are what you believe yourself to be!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, experiences and advice.  It really does help!  I'm so happy for you that you have found someone that lives and shares this TRUTH and Love.   I know I will find my soul mate with patience. But right now I have more important things to work on!

Edited December 13, 2016 by Peace and Love
grammar edit :)

[Mr Here and Now]

@Peace and Love the audiobook is the best version too! I listen to it every single night!