What Was Therapy Like?

[Rilles]

My friend gave me an idea to write about what therapy was like for me in 2020 so here it goes, long read. 

 

What was CBT therapy like?

 

I went to therapy for Social Anxiety.

I talked alot about myself, I had an instant connection with my therapist. She mostly listened. What I really loved is how she gently challenged my thoughts and me made me realize how ridiculous and sometimes paradoxical they were. 

 

A session was supposed to last an hour but we always went about 10 minutes over time. Obviously I had so much to get off my chest, you can only talk for so long though before your body starts to get amped up, you feel alot of tension and you feel shaky, after about 30 minutes your mind starts to go blank and you lose your ability to say much, thats when you know youve done a good session and need a rest. 

 

I had a hard time looking her in the eye and I was very focused on my body language, which is typical of social anxiety. 

 

We talked alot about my childhood and my father, she explained to me how all my social fears arent so much social anxiety as a general anxiety and paranoia that I picked up living under fear of him, (I later got unofficially diagnosed by her with General Anxiety Disorder). 

 

We started dissecting my thoughts about how others perceive me and how I become very self-conscious around others. After the sessions I would often feel drained and get a sense of depression that lasted a couple hours into the afternoon, I tend to think thats because I dug up alot of stuff that I usually repress. On maybe the sixth session on the way home I felt like something was going to happen, I was about to cry, I held my tears in on the subway home and as soon as I got inside my apartment I put on some songs that I know would trigger me emotionally and burst into tears, I cried a good 30 minutes, it felt really really good.

 

I always got some homework to do when we werent having sessions and I did it dilligently because I wanted to cure myself really badly. I would always come to the sessions with some new insight into how I think around others. 

I once told her that I feel like others are symbolically "One head taller than I am" and that they know something about me that I dont or that theyre secretly scoffing at me. Of course these are subtle feelings and we started dissecting them trying to evidence for it and of course we didnt find any evidence ever. Thats where the healing begins, when you begin to question all the subtle feelings and thought patterns you have, and then you reframe them when you meet other people. You get really good at this the more you practice and eventually it becomes second nature. 

 

She said I should read a book about Schema Therapy because its useful for dealing with my particular problem, I bought the book the same afternoon and probably finished in three days, I still have it here, it cleared up alot of things and taught me alot about myself. Basically the book has about 15 chapters and they all deal with certain thought patterns and fears you may fall into like Fear Of Abandonment, Feeling Of Being an Outsider, Distrusting Others. I was very big on many of these. (The book is called Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young.)

 

Eventually after maybe 4 months and 10 sessions I felt like I had the tools I needed to atleast survive on my own in the world without going emotionally crazy. Before my last session I made a list of my "20 Most Poisonous Thoughts", which are thought patterns that are negative and dont help me navigate reality, and cause me suffering, anxiety and sometimes self-sabotage. 

Here is an excerpt:

 

1.They're critical toward me because they dont like me, theyre upset with me.

2. I'm meant to be this way, I cant change.

3.Their smile/laughter is mocking me.

4.They're only talking to me because they have to.

5.Their lack of smiling means they dont like me.

6.The akward silence is my fault.

 

These thoughts still come up occasionally but I can reframe them and they dont cause me suffering anymore only some frustration because I dont see why they come up when I dont need them, but someday I'm sure they will just have gone away, one day at a time, its a life long process.

 

Overall I would rate therapy 10/10, if youre willing to do 80% of the work and couple it with some other practices too. I feel like I am atleast 70% healed of my anxiety. Although these things are hard to quantify, but Im happier as a person nowadays.

 

Accept yourself and love yourself, noone else can do it for you, you have to do it yourself. And dont buy your own bullshit, you can be anyone you want, your ideas of who you are self-restraints and limits you put on yourself.

[PepperBlossoms]

Thanks for sharing.  I have been going for therapy for 3ish months now as well.  I was initially feeling pretty horrible after each session as well but I think it is getting better.  I think that my dad contributed to some of my destructive thinking patterns and I also talk most of the time as well.

Super glad to hear that it worked pretty well for you and that she was able to help.

[Rilles]

2 hours ago, PepperBlossoms said:

Thanks for sharing.  I have been going for therapy for 3ish months now as well.  I was initially feeling pretty horrible after each session as well but I think it is getting better.  I think that my dad contributed to some of my destructive thinking patterns and I also talk most of the time as well.

Super glad to hear that it worked pretty well for you and that she was able to help.

Yeah! The depression seems to lift after maybe 7 sessions, its worst the first couple of the times. What are you in therapy for, my friend? 

[PepperBlossoms]

Thanks for asking.  It's so far been stuff related to career, motivation, making decisions, relationships, emotions, maturity, guilt, depression, anxiety, thoughts, past experiences, etc.

Therapy can be great when we are developed/mature enough to want to do it.

There is so much one can discuss and the sessions are always too short haha.  I've asked for 2 sessions a week on the weeks I feel I am really struggling.

It's almost like needing someone to hold your hand so I guess one gets out of therapy when they are finally strong enough to fly solo.

[Jacob Morres]

very beautiful thanks for sharing that. ive experienced similar things with my therapist so i can 100% relate. 

not every therapist though is like this. ive had some kind of rude therapists in the past  

[Rilles]

16 hours ago, PepperBlossoms said:

Thanks for asking.  It's so far been stuff related to career, motivation, making decisions, relationships, emotions, maturity, guilt, depression, anxiety, thoughts, past experiences, etc.

Therapy can be great when we are developed/mature enough to want to do it.

There is so much one can discuss and the sessions are always too short haha.  I've asked for 2 sessions a week on the weeks I feel I am really struggling.

It's almost like needing someone to hold your hand so I guess one gets out of therapy when they are finally strong enough to fly solo.

Wow thats a handful! Yes, therapy takes alot of bravery if youre not using to dealing with your emotions or talking it out.

Yes, you can talk about your problems for years probably but its important to not get stuck in talking and get to the tools you need after a couple of sessions.

Yep, my therapist said our purpose in therapy is to become the healthy adult rather than the fearful child.