Being overly empathetic has caused me to be emotionally numb and indifferent

[Breezy]

I'm in my early 20's, and for the entirety of my life (despite the past two years), I have been overtly empathetic. This has caused me to struggle in social situations and being overly sensitive due to the varying emotions I can feel in situations. For two years, however, I was in a relationship with a narcissist that would be emotionally abusive - and would often threaten suicide. This caused me strife with my education, and seriously strained my relationship with my family.

Quickly after my relationship ended two years ago, I attached to a new friend (who is very objective and rational). This did not appeal to my current emotional state and neediness for his validation (especially after getting out of my abusive relationship), and caused me to emotional spiral which has been going on two years now. This altered my entire perception of myself, due to my external validation needs, which I am trying to learn how to get rid of.

I have found myself incredibly numb, especially within my emotional state and how I feel towards others. I find myself not caring when I hurt someone's feelings, which causes extreme strife in my relationships. I can recognize when someone can feel pain towards my actions, however, I am so internally occupied with my own frustrations and feeling miserable, that I don't feel any emotions towards those I care about. This is upsetting for me, and makes me feel foreign within my own skin - as I used to care immensely for everyone and everything (a skill I would love to regain, without the attachment/neediness for validation). I believe part of this is also due to the fogginess I feel in my brain - I cannot consciously think through many things. Something that is also incredibly foreign to me, as I've been pursuing consciousness work since my early childhood.

I am worried that I never truly cared, I only cared so much to gain other's validation. I worry I was only so nice and giving because I felt I had nothing else to offer. Then I wonder if this is true, then I need to learn how to build genuine empathy.

Whatever the reason, I would love anyone's input on how to regain my empathy, or any thoughts on my situation. Thank you so much, I appreciate it.

Edited September 16, 2021 by Breezy

[OctagonOctopus]

You need to give yourself the validation & love you feel you need. That is really the only way out if the neediness for approval.

Emotional numbness is usually something you have to sit with for a bit, looking deep into it until you feel what the dynamic is underneath of it, so you can let it go, or satisfy the need yourself in your own way. 

 

[Thought Art]

6 hours ago, Breezy said:

I am worried that I never truly cared, I only cared so much to gain other's validation. I worry I was only so nice and giving because I felt I had nothing else to offer. Then I wonder if this is true, then I need to learn how to build genuine empathy.

 

Sounds like a lack of self knowledge. This is the perfect place to be for the time being. 

Also sounds like a you are so empathetic that after ending up in some toxic relationship you may be emotionally guarded and exhausted. This happens when you are highly empathetic, but don't understand the nuances of self love, assertiveness and boundaries. 

You also have a lot of internal warring going on inside yourself. You clearly care about other people, you just don't know how to do it from a mature, conscious place. This is my basic opinion from what I read, and from my own personal experience. 

Listed some books you may like to take a look at. 

 

Books:

Not Nice

Pathways To Perfect Living

Empath Survival Guide

Edited September 17, 2021 by Thought Art

[Gianna]

On 9/16/2021 at 0:17 PM, Breezy said:

This is upsetting for me, and makes me feel foreign within my own skin - as I used to care immensely for everyone and everything (a skill I would love to regain, without the attachment/neediness for validation). 

..

 

I am worried that I never truly cared, I only cared so much to gain other's validation. I worry I was only so nice and giving because I felt I had nothing else to offer. Then I wonder if this is true, then I need to learn how to build genuine empathy.

Whatever the reason, I would love anyone's input on how to regain my empathy, or any thoughts on my situation. Thank you so much, I appreciate it.

I believe that you've always cared. It's just that the intensity of your care was not being evenly matched. You might have intuited this and stopped the caring because it was too intense for you to handle alone; especially when you are missing the reciprocity from a narcissist. Don't ever worry about losing your empathy forever. Your empathy is still inside of you. It's just holding onto itself for you. You need the last bit of your empathy so you can recharge yourself. I think you have been doing this (giving yourself your empathy) by allowing the withdraw– I mean it's not easy what you did (putting yourself first). It's the most loving thing you can do for yourself and you should be so proud that you naturally went in this direction of self-love after such hardship. Your empathy will come back naturally when you are ready. Don't guilt yourself in between. You deserve yourself and the greatness and love and warmth you have always offered. I think your mind-body is massively intelligent for listening to itself, putting itself first, and fulfilling its own needs before pouring itself to others. 

Edited September 21, 2021 by Gianna

[Spideymon77]

I give too much empathy as well. I don't really have much advice because I'm struggling with this as well.

Just know that you definitely cared and the worry that you didn't care is proof that you do care. It's kinda counter intuitive. I had this same worry and after a while of struggling I realized that I was just second guessing myself.