Becoming a strong man

[Solvinden]

Hey Everyone,

long story short: The girl of my dreams (my current girlfriend) really can't imagine a better man
than me to be together with. But she recently confessed that she never had that spark and excitement for me
and no matter how hard she tried she can't create these feelings within her.

This deeply hurt me. If not even a girl where everything is fitting together so perfectly can't love me deeply,
then something must be very wrong with me.

At times she said that I'm a bit dusty and a weak man.
I must confess, I think she is right.

So now I commit to becoming a strong, funny and deeply alive man which is deeply desired by women.
I want to do everything that is humanly possible to achieve this goal.

I'd like to get your advice and guidance on all the things that I can do to achieve this goal.
Every kind of advice is very much welcome!

What I currently do:
-since 6 months I do 1-2h of yoga every day
-since 1 year I play around 1h guitar every day (Once I'm happy with my skill level, I want to learn singing next)
What I playn to do:
-Doing Krav Maga 2x a week for one year (I would never risk a confrontation because I wouldn't know how to fight)
-Building muscles (going to the gym 3x a week. I'm way too skinny right now.)
-Becoming funny: Trying to become relaxed in daily life and taking things less seriously, searching for the funny in everything
    (not sure if some kind of ritual/routine makes sense for this purpose)
-Becoming more alive: I think Yoga helps in this regard. Also I can imagine that I become much more alive by becoming a much more active person.
But maybe there is more that I can do? My main problem is that I tend to think way too much.

Is there anything missing for creating deep attraction in a girl?
In particular, I struggle to be a strong/"alpha" male in social situation. I feel most of the time very uncomfortable and anxious and
I don't know how to change the way I feel in these situations. Probably, that's my biggest problem and where I'm the most clueless on how to fix it.
 I really behave very weak in these situations.

PS: In the first year where we were dating but not in a relationship, she was also dating other men.
Men where she had these magical attraction feelings. Even though they had many problems and it didn't fit that perfectly.
This makes it even more unbearably painful for me as everything fits together so perfectly. So I really have to be quite terrible right now.
Not even sure if I can continue the relationship after being hurt so deeply. At the same time, I know that she
always did her best and she is not to be blamed for this situation.

Thanks for listening guys!

Solvinden

[Stovo]

A strong alpha male is an immovable object. You set the frame, don't change for anyone but for yourself. 

A strong man does not seek advice from his girl on how to be "better". You must be confident of the direction in your life, and be comfortable in your own skin. 

[peanutspathtotruth]

@Solvinden Hey friend. Your courage and openness to accept this is beautiful and already an act of strength. See that it's not only that you might need to cultivate strength, but that you're actually already super strong, but hiding it, blocking it, suppressing it. 

That being said, I'm in the same boat, many are. Over the last 1-2 years I've grown a lot in this regard, but I'm still learning every day. Here are some unstructured notes about the advice I would give my old self, and now you, to be a strong, authentic, focused man.

• Read "The Way of the Superior Man". Then read it again and again, and really implement what he's pointing to. This is a meta source which could be spread out into dozens of further advice points, some of which I will repeat below for the sake of their importance. If you like this book, seek out more reading material, it helps tremendously, even though that alone is of course not enough.
• Be connected to the Truth of reality, whatever it takes. True strength is inherent in your true Self, but if you're only in ego-consciousness all the time, it's hard to access that strength. So commit yourself to become as conscious as possible. Seek out reality/God. This means meditation, inquiry, energy work, and maybe psychedelics if you think that is a possibility for you.
• Know what you want. Do you want Truth? Be sure about that. What else do you want? Journal about this, inquire into your actual desires in your life. Focus on that, be absolutely committed.
• Cultivate physical health (clean and rich nutrition (!), exercise - it's AMAZING that you're doing so much yoga daily, it's a goal of mine; but also incorporate strength training as you yourself suggested (this makes a huge difference), and maybe some cardio)
• Cultivate mental health (read about psychology, do self development and therapy work, do consciousness work as described above) - basically, you want to understand what is blocking your authentic expression of who you are: a strong, beautiful, lovely expression of the most ineffable mystery that could ever be imagined. Own that, explore that, unveil that!
• Get out of your comfort zone. Take cold showers, be disciplined about your life, try new things, get yourself into socially challenging situations.
• Do specific psychological and spiritual work on these topics: Sexuality, intimacy, masculinity, neediness, life purpose
• Practice love: this gets much more powerful the more conscious you are and the more purified your psyche is, but you can start right now. Love yourself fully, find out what that means, spread that love to everyone and everything around you, bathe in it.
• Semen retention. This is one of THE most impactful catalysts for me to untangle my issues around my masculinity and bring it to the fore. It's fucking powerful. I highly recommend giving it a try, it doesn't have to be forever.

There are things you're already doing that are amazing: namely, your creative expression and doing yoga, and wanting to work on this topic. 

Notice that this is a twofold path: On the one hand, the overall path of self-actualization, encompassing both spiritual and psychological growth, IS what is uncovering your strength. On the other hand, there are specific things you can do to unveil and cultivate that strength and authenticity. They go hand in hand. If you want any specific suggestions for the points I've mentioned, let me know.

Edited September 15, 2021 by peanutspathtotruth

[Roy]

4 hours ago, Solvinden said:

Not even sure if I can continue the relationship after being hurt so deeply. At the same time, I know that she
always did her best and she is not to be blamed for this situation.

Here is the proper answer if you want to live a better life for yourself - You are too invested in her and care too much about what she thinks, when you shouldn't. You don't do that with people who don't have that spark for you.

She IS NOT the girl of your dreams, because the girl of your dreams should be everything you want AND be crazy for you.

4 hours ago, Solvinden said:

If not even a girl where everything is fitting together so perfectly can't love me deeply,
then something must be very wrong with me.

There isn't anything wrong with you because she doesn't have a burning excitement for you.

Go and find that person and fuck everybody else!

[soos_mite_ah]

@Solvinden I've been in that girl's position before where I was dating a guy who basically had everything going for him but for some reason that chemistry and that spark wasn't really there on my end. There was nothing wrong with him or you. You and this girl are just incompatible. It happens and it isn't really anyone's fault. Sometimes yall just don't click and that's ok. It wouldn't be wise to force this situation either. It would just create resentment and pain for both parties. 

You're not weak or dusty. And you don't need to drastically change yourself. You don't need to go out of your way to create deep attraction. Rather you need to find someone who already has deep attraction for you.

I get that not having someone reciprocate your feeling can hurt a lot. Especially when you see them as the ultimate partner. But the thing is, they aren't the ultimate partner and if you think about it, she's not your dream girl. Because your dream girl would like you back. That's basically one of the required components. Because she isn't attracted to you, she isn't your dream. 

If I were you, I'd let myself feel hurt and let myself be upset about this. Then I would try to go out and find someone else who I better click with. If you really want to be strong and self assured, it's important to see and accept the situation for what it is (something that is out of your control, isn't your fault, and doesn't reflect on you), accept yourself, and then keep moving forward. I know all of this is easier said than done but there is no rush. Take your time. 

[LastThursday]

My super-pragmatic observations:

• The woman is with you and not someone else. You already won.
• If wanting to impress her more means you work on yourself, then use that to your advantage to motivate yourself.
• Focus on your girlfriend's good points, forget the bad. We've all got bad points.
• Your girlfriend is not a "problem to solve" stop being such a man about it. Instead, have a relationship.
• Maybe your girlfriend tends to focus on the negatives instead of the positives, and you're falling for the same trap. Lead by example and show her how to look at the positives in life.

[blessedlion1993]

6 hours ago, Solvinden said:

At times she said that I'm a bit dusty and a weak man.
I must confess, I think she is right.

That's pretty fucked up to say.

I don't know man, it seems like you are doing everything you can yoga, exercise, martial arts, meditation. I agree with @peanutspathtotruth suggestions and especially to do Semen Retention, this rewires your mind and is extremely powerful, it can turn any man into more of an Alpha.

From my perspective the biggest thing that is probably getting you is the social anxiety and not asserting yourself in these social situations. Women are extremely and highly intuitive to this and even if you are doing everything right, Brad Pitt kinda guy, if you can't hold yourself in social situations, she will lose attraction.

You need authentic and honest expression. I suggest the book Models by Mark Manson, especially the part of being polarizing and opinionated. You need to have the mindset "I will speak my mind and stand by my beliefs, no matter what the consequences and the money, sex, friends i lose due to it, because if i don't have my own back, i'm fucked."

Other than that you are doing amazing with your habits, it is very masculine and strong to be disciplined like that. 

 

If you watch porn, cut that shit out immediately.  

 

[jimwell]

6 hours ago, Solvinden said:

So now I commit to becoming a strong, funny and deeply alive man which is deeply desired by women.
I want to do everything that is humanly possible to achieve this goal.

This is a mindset of a weak man. Women easily smell weakness. You can't fake being strong.

Self-loving, self-principled, self- righteous, self-confident, intelligent, brave, yet compassionate are the characteristics (plus an innate factor I can't capture via words) of cool, strong men. Women drool over men with these characteristics.

But be strong and cool for yourself first. Be the cake. Women and everything else are the icing. That just doubled the strength and coolness. ?

[peanutspathtotruth]

2 hours ago, blessedlion1993 said:

I suggest the book Models by Mark Manson

Yeah, this one's pretty good! 

[Stovo]

There's a really good book on Leo's book list about masculinity too. 

If you have the book list you should be able to find it

[Tudo]

5 hours ago, jimwell said:

This is a mindset of a weak man. Women easily smell weakness. You can't fake being strong.

Self-loving, self-principled, self- righteous, self-confident, intelligent, brave, yet compassionate are the characteristics (plus an innate factor I can't capture via words) of cool, strong men. Women drool over men with these characteristics.

But be strong and cool for yourself first. Be the cake. Women and everything else are the icing. That just doubled the strength and coolness. ?

Yeah

[Tudo]

Bro, seriously, you should really read " The Way of The Superior Man"! Do it as soon as possible.

[vizual]

I'm going to offer a different perspective and say you should not change yourself out of insecurity. There will always be people that won't like you, won't think you are good enough. They will want you to conform to their agenda, to how they think you should be. That's the way of the ego. 

And this mindset will hurt you in the long run. Because you are covertly a people pleaser. You are trying to please people at the expense of yourself. An alternative for you to do is to focus on becoming your best authentic self. And even when you are at your best, there will still be people that will dislike your, and like you. But the commonality all people have that are at their best is that they don't let their feelings and sense of self worth be led by what other people think of them.

 

[peanutspathtotruth]

6 hours ago, vizual said:

An alternative for you to do is to focus on becoming your best authentic self. And even when you are at your best, there will still be people that will dislike your, and like you. But the commonality all people have that are at their best is that they don't let their feelings and sense of self worth be led by what other people think of them.

I agree, but I would also say this is what he would realize during this journey of becoming authentic anyway. I like all the answers here saying that he should detach from needing her approval, and that is solid advice. 

But it also carries the message that him wanting to be a strong man is only due do his people pleasing and neediness dynamic, and I tend to think this is only part of it. I think he truly wants to change, and you're right to say this change includes the "independence" from others. But I would argue that he can do both at the same time, and that in actuality, it's the same movement when he really does the work.

I for sure can say that hearing how I should be detached from others' opinions and affection doesn't do a thing. I had to come to the realization and the subsequent purification work myself, through first trying to be the best me - even if that subconsciously included the idea that I would be liked more that way by others. 

[flowboy]

22 hours ago, Solvinden said:

At times she said that I'm a bit dusty and a weak man.
I must confess, I think she is right.

So now I commit to becoming a strong, funny and deeply alive man which is deeply desired by women.
I want to do everything that is humanly possible to achieve this goal.

Don't do anything more to "improve yourself" right now.

The only reason this is your reaction, is because you have a buried sense that there is something wrong with you.

Fixing oneself never leads to being fixed. It just leads to more things to be fixed, a lifelong journey of fixing yourself, feeling unworthy and inferior in the process.

Is that what you want?

An attractive man feels worthy and "enough". You are setting yourself up to never be like that, the way you are going about it!

 

If what you said is true, and you already are doing all of this cool stuff, a healthy reaction would be: "Maybe we should take a couple days apart, and you should think about whether you really want to be with me."

 

Of course, what she's really reacting to is your "not enough" frame: I bet the reason you are building muscles and doing all this yoga and whatever else, is because you feel "not enough". She's just mirroring that back to you. Women pick up on these things, without even knowing it.

Doing even more things from the "I'm not enough" mindset is just doubling down on a failing strategy.

[RobertZ]

Not directly about the ‘man’ part—but about the ‘strong’ part:

One thing that helped me gain a lot of weight was using an app called “Strong.” It’s a very simple app that records weights and reps, for weight lifting. It’s a paid app—but I could not find anything as functional for free. “HeavySet” is okay and free—but you’ll see the difference immediately.

I did years of lifting every second day—just going really “hard” every time. However, lifting by feeling is tricky. The mind simply forgets—anything can feel hard. 

The app helped me to be objective about my workouts. Start very gradually—pretty much any lifting will cause hypertrophy early on. Gradually add weight when hitting 11-12 reps and lower weight if hitting 5 to 7 reps. Keep the weight the same if hitting 10 reps. Generally, aim for 8 to 12 reps to gain muscle weight.

Focus on bar lifts: bench, row, squat, dead, overhead, pull-ups. 

Eat lots of food that you, personally, can digest well.

Building physical strength built up my mental strength.

Edited September 22, 2021 by RobertZ

[Ninja_pig]

I've personally found working out to be the magic pill in this respect. Sure there are muscular men who are pussies, but it's WAY easier to be strong and confident when you are in shape. I also think that martial arts is a great way to build up inner confidence. I personally did muay-thai kickboxing. Make sure that whatever marital arts you are doing, you are doing lots of sparing and make sure there is at least a potential to get hurt. This is why I like boxing. This will also help you find some good mentors. 

As stated in "The way of the superior man", she wants the killer in you. Don't be afraid to act on what you think is right. Don't be afraid to feel emotion deeply. The concepts of honor and integrity are what I personally think makes a true man. Do what is right no matter what. Live your life like it matters.