Much better club experience and thoughts on pickup

[something_else]

I made a thread last week about a shitty experience I had in a club where I ended up getting thrown out and just generally having a really bad night. I realised that may have been discouraging to anyone else who is starting to socialise a bit more via clubs or just going out in general so I figured I'd make another thread about a much better experience I had this week with some insights. This is long, and almost more of a journal entry so perhaps it'd be better suited to that section. I'm really just summarising my experience for myself and if it happens to be useful/helpful to anyone else that's great. In short, this is only my 3rd time in a club and I've already had some great times. And I'm someone who has been socially deficient since I was 12.

Choice of club

I know nothing about clubs, to be honest. There are three in my town, I chose the closest one to me last week and apparently I chose wrong. I ended up getting thrown out of it as I mentioned but I care even less now because it was absolutely terrible in comparison to the place I went to this week. It had far more people, and they were much more reliably in my age range (it was mainly 18-25 year olds there, and one 41 year old Greek God of a male specimen which I'll get to later ) 

Drinking

I should make it clear that I do drink. I know most often the advice if you're doing pickup or whatever is not to drink alcohol but frankly I'm not approaching this as pickup or as using any kind of system, I'm reading almost no theory on anything. I'm just going out, having fun and seeing what happens. I can see how structure would be helpful so I have nothing against it, it just doesn't feel like the right approach for me. Maybe that will change.

Start of the night

I really really didn't want to go out at the start of the night (around 10ish), like my mind was generating literally every excuse possible to make me sit at home instead of going out. One of the most powerful excuses was "well you feel like shit and you're anxious so you definitely won't have a good night, go another night instead". I ended up telling myself I was just going to go for a walk around the busy town areas and talk to some people instead of facing the full intensity of a club. But I'm so so glad I went out. That voice generating excuses not to do difficult things in your head is a total bastard lol.

Literally the second I started talking to some people (a group of girls and a guy) all the weird negative shit in my mind just vanished and I ended up going to the club with them. I've noticed that I'm absolutely fine talking to groups and I can be super confident in a group dynamic when I'm the new person in the group and all the attention is on me. It feels like a performance and I can come across as interesting and engaging. It helps that people here are usually very friendly and inclusive. But when we got to just outside the club they started talking to some other people they knew and suddenly I didn't know what to say and I just kind of clammed up. I've had similar experiences before. I don't know why this happens, probably just lack of social experience. I think it's also my mind freaking out that I need to do something to keep their attention but at the same time not knowing what to do exactly.

Anyway, one of the girls was showing clear signs of attraction (the most attractive girl as far as I can remember that has ever shown clear interest in me) until we got to the club and I went quiet and awkward like I mentioned. I went in with her and her friend but I could clearly tell she was awkward around me now so I went in and just left them. Oh well. It still made me feel good.

Rest of the night

Most of the rest of the night was just dancing, I made out with 3 girls on the dance floor, one of them literally grabbed me and started kissing me out of nowhere, turns out she was trying to make a 41 year old dude she was crazy about jealous cos he wasn't showing her any interest  He was legit the most objectively attractive male specimen I've ever seen which made it even funnier. I ended up speaking to him later, really chill dude, and he told me she was absolutely nuts and he wasn't into girls half his age anyway.

Another girl was not that attractive to me but I kept running into her so I figured why not, let's dance and see what happens. Got her snapchat, if nothing else she seemed kinda chill so might make a good friend since I'm in a new town and want to build up a bit of a social network anyway.

The last girl was really short, like 5ft tall which is super attractive to me. I can't remember if she came up to me or if I came up to her on the dance floor, but we were doing all sorts, more than just kissing, hands all over each other. This was my first proper experience of sexy dancing and making out with someone I met on a night out, man it's so fucking hot. I whispered (well, shouted but that sounds like a whisper in a club lol) in her ear that I live a couple streets away and pulled her by her hand off the dance floor, she still seemed super into it, then she said she was gonna go tell her friends where she was going. I figured, that's fair enough, so I waited. I gave it like 30 seconds and then realised she might have just bailed. I probably should have given it longer but part of me didn't really believe it was actually gonna happen so I thought she'd just left. I still don't actually know whether she would've come back or not, I regret not waiting a bit longer.

Rejections

I went back to dancing and I don't really think much more interesting happened after that. I danced with a few girls who ended up having a BF (these were polite rejections usually) and got absolutely tons of less polite rejections. The nonverbal ones where you get looks of disgust and contempt after just making eye contact or signalling you wanna dance are the worst, but I'm used to it now and the few times where I wasn't rejected just helped me start to laugh at the more rude rejections 

Conclusions

I am not a sociable person. I have probably got some form of social anxiety although I'm not diagnosed or anything. But in just 3 trips to a club I'm starting to actually open up, have fun, attract girls in ways I wouldn't have imagined doing in the past. I find clubs even easier than bars to socialise because you can just vanish into the crowd if need be, compared to a bar where if you're not talking to someone you're kind of sitting awkwardly on your own.

Yes, the alcohol helps and I don't want to turn it into too much of a crutch. But I don't really see the problem with having a few drinks to match everyone else's energy. And it helps with dancing, which is not something that comes naturally to my sober self lol. 

My overall point is that you might not necessarily need to do thousands of pickup approaches or tons of work to start having great and fun social experiences. Especially if you're young, in like the college/university age range like me, just start going out to busy places and see what happens.

 

[aurum]

6 hours ago, something_else said:

then she said she was gonna go tell her friends where she was going. I figured, that's fair enough, so I waited.

That was your mistake. The right move IMO would have been to walk with her and meet her friends. The chances she was going to come back to you were basically zero.

6 hours ago, something_else said:

I still don't actually know whether she would've come back or not, I regret not waiting a bit longer.

No you did the right thing by moving on. She was not coming back.

6 hours ago, something_else said:

I didn't know what to say and I just kind of clammed up. I've had similar experiences before. I don't know why this happens, probably just lack of social experience

It happens to everyone. The attention moved off you and you were sort of the odd man out. 

6 hours ago, something_else said:

But I don't really see the problem with having a few drinks to match everyone else's energy.

It certainly makes it easier. The problem is, if you’re going our 3-5 nights a week, you’re going to seriously deteriorate your health and your wallet over the long term. And you’ll forget important details for integrating lessons from your night out.

There’s a lot of value in learning to do pickup “cold”.

6 hours ago, something_else said:

I'm reading almost no theory on anything. I'm just going out, having fun and seeing what happens. I can see how structure would be helpful so I have nothing against it, it just doesn't feel like the right approach for me. Maybe that will change.

That’s good because you’re taking action. But don’t dismiss the theory either. The ideal situation is a blend.

[flowboy]

This is great! Thanks for posting something healthy and action-based Much needed around here