My ex won't stop torturing me

[Gianna]

 

@Preety_India How long did it take? 

@mandyjw  Wow, this is incredible. I will definitely be practicing that. And your entire post just completely nailed it. That's exactly everything that's going on. With him, with me. Why it goes in a circle. Because there's like this desperation from him and this intense guilt and shame and responsibility from me. But the times where I get desperate (desperate for emotional resolve) he turns away and won't work with me for any kind of resolve. It breaks me down but I know it is breaking him down as well. I have loved from afar. The times I don't talk to him, I write him letters sending my love (but I just keep them in my drawer I don't send them obviously). But I don't know if this has any impact on him because the neurosis is still there. I will definitely be trying this technique. Thank you for sharing 

 

[Gianna]

6 hours ago, Tudo said:

Is he trying to contact you through different numbers (after he gets blocked with one)? If so I would fill a restraining order immediately.

No just different emails. But I am going to do a police warning (like @Seed mentioned) before doing a restraining order. I also am going to work through my emotions because this is how it goes: 
he violates me and I get angry/enraged (like I was last night) 
and then after the storm settles I feel intense guilt and shame (like I feel today) 

I need to work through these emotions, while staying strong. After an outburst like last night he is usually good at staying away for awhile. We will see what happens and if it results to this ^^. 

[Gianna]

5 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

He probably obssesed like i was with some Girl some years ago.

Dont try to understand It logically, because its not logical nor rational. Its a disease of the mind. Something like OCD But With a person. Trust me It exists i think its What happened to me. I think he has It too.

Did you feel hurt by her not being there for you? 

[SriSriJustinBieber]

28 minutes ago, Gianna said:

But my feelings tell me the opposite: that I am a terrible person.

Does it tell you the opposite, ot does it actually tell you that thinking you're a terrible person is not true ?

Edited September 12, 2021 by SriSriJustinBieber

[Gianna]

Just now, SriSriJustinBieber said:

Does it tell you the opposite, ot does it actually tell you that thinking you're a terrible person is not true ?

Ohhh hey! Hahaha. That's a good point 

[Tudo]

28 minutes ago, Gianna said:

 

I have loved from afar. The times I don't talk to him, I write him letters sending my love (but I just keep them in my drawer I don't send them obviously). 

 

So you kind of love him but keeps rejecting him. Weird. Probably he realizes that, and that's why he keeps persisting. I don't know why you are surprised.

Edited September 12, 2021 by Tudo

[Gianna]

@Tudo I care about him and I know he is struggling. The behavior just shows that he is suffering. So I send him my love from afar. This doesn't mean I tell him about it, lead him on, or reject him. He doesn't even know that I do it. 

Edited September 12, 2021 by Gianna

[mandyjw]

@Gianna  I've found it to be so helpful for so many different difficult situations. 

[Preety_India]

@Gianna a few months. 

 

[Tudo]

33 minutes ago, Gianna said:

@Tudo I care about him and I know he is struggling. The behavior just shows that he is suffering. So I send him my love from afar. This doesn't mean I tell him about it, lead him on, or reject him. He doesn't even know that I do it. 

I got you.

[RickyFitts]

2 hours ago, Gianna said:

I also am going to work through my emotions because this is how it goes: 
he violates me and I get angry/enraged (like I was last night) 
and then after the storm settles I feel intense guilt and shame (like I feel today) 

I need to work through these emotions, while staying strong. 

I think this is key, yeah. I can completely relate about the feelings of intense guilt and shame, I felt that after an ex had a complete breakdown when I ended the relationship, I ended up blaming myself for it and getting back in touch with her out of guilt - and it just made things worse in the long-run, I just ended up hurting her even worse, and then I felt even more guilty and ashamed. So it became a vicious circle, and I resolved never to make the mistake of acting from a place of guilt ever again, because I'd seen that it just made things worse. It can seem so hard to resist those guilty impulses though, so I really do feel for you ? I think just reminding yourself that you aren't responsible for this guy's well-being and trusting that he'll be all right without your intervention is important.

Boy, though, working through those feelings was tough... they can run so deep, and there can be so much pain underneath them. Maybe it was worse for me because I'm a guy and, as you say, we do tend to bottle these feelings up so much. But you're strong, Gianna, so I know you'll be fine ?

Edited September 12, 2021 by RickyFitts

[Javfly33]

1 hour ago, Gianna said:

Did you feel hurt by her not being there for you? 

Well yes and no But back in the days i wasnt Able to open Up to people As nowdays so she didnt know much about my obssesion with her (and when i sometimes mentioned she downplayed the importance of It).

Honestly from the beggining i kind of assumed i was Alone with this "problem" and nobody could ever help me But me. (And thats What i did)

[LastThursday]

2 hours ago, Gianna said:

Actually, he's the one that ended the relationship.. and he doesn't want to be in one either so that confuses the fuck out of me because he does come off like he loves me. But it doesn't matter because I've grown out of him after these 3 years. Also– to what's in bold– I want to believe that for myself so bad. But my feelings tell me the opposite: that I am a terrible person. I know we both have a lot of trauma. But guys bottle stuff up.. I HATE that because it makes me want to burst in tears. Like, let's just open up to each other and talk about it and find some kind of resolve? 

I understand the dynamic here more than I care to admit.

I don't see anything bad or terrible in what you want, it seems very clear and uncomplicated: you don't want the guy in your life. The only complication is that he's abusing your wishes and harrassing you. It would seem unlikely that any amount talking will resolve his behaviour - talking has already failed - because he's not able to stop himself. Giving him a different and very clear and consistent signal one way or another doesn't make you a bad person. He's not your responsibility anymore.

[Raze]

Have you been ever responding to him or talking to him? Him continuing to keep reaching out to you for three years, if you haven't responded a single time to him, sounds extremely strange. Is it possible he's paying someone to do this to mess with you?