My ex won't stop torturing me

[Gianna]

I'm considering filing a restraining order against my ex. Except I know I probably won't because that's so extreme. But he will not get out of my life no matter how hard I try. We ended things on good terms. Maybe that's why he won't stop bothering me– because he thinks it's okay! Well, it is not okay and I have made that clear multiple times. I have asked directly multiple, multiple, multiple times for him to exit my life and STAY exited. No contact. No, nothing. Just absence and moving on!! When he refuses to respect my boundaries (which he alwayssss does and why we even broke up) I block him on everything. Phone, well I guess that's it because he doesn't have social media. When I block him on the phone he emails me. When I block him on the email, he creates a new email and writes me. He reaches out to my family on venmo. I had to block him on venmo. It's been 3 years (sometimes more intense than others). He WON'T STOP. He won't move on, he won't find someone else despite my attempt to set him up with someone else– very hot girl. He's a handsome guy I don't understand? He has a LOT of judgement so he probably just can't find someone he can't judge. But it is getting unbearable for me. I yell inside my head that he makes me want to shoot myself. I know that is awful to even think but it's literally how he makes me feel. 

I'm kind of a passive person but I've been VERY aggressive with him. I've even said some awful things like calling him pathetic  which I shouldn't have done. But I feel strangled by him!?!? He won't leave me alone!!! No matter what I do, how serious I get, how hard I try. I've begged him. I've shamed him. I've blocked him. I've name-called him. I've told him I was with someone. I feel like I've tried everything? Unless you guys can think of anything else? Lol, I know name-calling isn't a solution but my point is that he literally doesn't care. He just doesn't find me threatening although I've said threatening things. I don't know what to do. 

Normally, I just put my focus somewhere else and literally don't even pay attention to it which is how I have lasted so long. But this is kind of just avoidance? It's not really solving the issue.

I know it's partially my own fault because I can't stay consistent myself. After like, maybe 3 months or so typically? I'll fall back into friendliness. That's it. Just like the casual how are you and blah blah blah. 3 months is a long time to have like an emotional reset, you know? But I know this just opens the door right back up to abuse. So idk wtf is wrong with me. I guess I just figure he will stop? But he doesn't. I don't have hate in my heart. At least not enough to stay consistent with the aggression and the shaming and whatever other strategy I use to get him to stop. Essentially, my aggression does not last as long as his persistence. I think that is the root issue! I need to learn persistence and consistency to the MAXIMUM.  

Here are some questions I have for you guys: 

1. What are your guys' strategies for staying consistent? 
2. What is the psychology of this kind of psychopath? 
3. It kind of hurts my feelings that he doesn't respect me enough to not torture me. It comes off like he literally doesn't care about me at all. He must not if he is doing this to me. And it really hurts my feelings because we had such a deep relationship before. Any advice on these feelings? 

Edited September 12, 2021 by Gianna

[Gianna]

I just don't understand why he can't find someone else. Maybe I am an easy target? During the friendly phases, I encourage him to go out. To meet someone. To sleep with a million girls to get whatever his issue is, dealt with. I've tried introducing him to pick up because I've read about it on the forum. I tell him I will literally go out with him and wing-woman him so he can get a girl. I've tried setting him up with a girl. These are my 'friendly-phase' strategies that I use to get him to move on. I vacillate between these friendly strategies and the not so friendly strategies (aggression) I DONT UNDERSTAND. 

[EntheogenTruthSeeker]

this sounds like a dude with unresolved trauma and a lack of love from childhood. Been there. also, just block him, and if he shows up to your house have the self love and respect to get a restraining order and FOLLOW THROUGH. You are young and beautiful and wise and have no business letting vampires who have no sense of respect for boundaries (aka extremely fucking rapey abusive and toxic) suck the Being out of you!! Come, on. The light on the other side with just a little more "I love myself" or "I am worthy of love" mantras may work, but I don't know if you already do that, as this seems complicated, other solutions and multiple may need to be employed. 

But, overall an increase in self respect to take action to lock this guy up if he continues harassing you is NOT too far. Men like this need to be held accountable, because emotional abuse is just as traumatizing sometimes. My mom does this to the day onto of being psychical abusive way back.

If someone is willing to cross boundaries after repeated pleads to stop, they're selfish, a devil, deserve none of your love because that's enabling. the only thing to do is completely ghost and get police involved. Anyone who does this will at all costs go to psychotic lengths to get a hit of love or a reaction or pleasure in seeing you suffering, so they will eventually resort to violence. If you believe this is no Ct the case, it's very misguided. 

These parasitic and narccistic men can seem attractive and everything, but all their massive insecurities come out during trying times or deep in relationship. Run away like the plague! 

I love you girl. You deserve a CONSCIOUS, loving, selfless, masculine, humorous, witty, humorous, introverted/extroverted balanced, compassionate, sex god, safe space emotional god, etc. What's possible for you is unreal. Imagine the opposite of this torture, what that could feel like, the infinite love and MAGIC. 

Just use the law of attraction and stuff like that to reprogram beliefs that allowed a low value man to walk into your life without huge alarms going off, sorry if that sounds harsh, it's more just anger I have for men who have no respect for women's boundaries. 

Remember, get inspiration and HOPE. Go to concerts, talk and dance with men, idk whatever gets you feeling free and happy. Make sure these men you go after have similar values. Yoga, Health (not just BS bodybuilding). 

 

P.S. I am not very good at communicating with women and am a 23 yo, so if anything I said came off unputting, I want to clarify I have very little experience with women, but I will say that this advice is pretty universal wether man or women. 

[EntheogenTruthSeeker]

Take this situation very seriously. No being friends or helping him be a fucking man. 

If proper action isn't taken asap, you could end up in a very ugly situation, be suicidal due to internalizing his hate and other stuff. I have been going through this. my moms abusive no boundaries behavior is so ugly it has caused me to 99% hate myself so massively I am in constant suicidal thoughts because I feel I am not worthy of love. Do not let it get to this point like I did. Emotional abuse can be the end of you if you are not careful to cut the cords, now! 

<3

[Gianna]

10 minutes ago, EntheogenTruthSeeker said:

I love you girl. You deserve a CONSCIOUS, loving, selfless, masculine, humorous, witty, humorous, introverted/extroverted balanced, compassionate, sex god, safe space emotional god, etc. What's possible for you is unreal. Imagine the opposite of this torture, what that could feel like, the infinite love and MAGIC. 

Oh my gosh I love you so much. Your response brought me to tears. And you are right. I need to take this SERIOUSLY. I mean, I have been taking it seriously but I have not been seriously consistent with being SERIOUS. Because I underestimate people. I don't see the lengths that they can go. But what you say here: 
 

10 minutes ago, EntheogenTruthSeeker said:

If proper action isn't taken asap, you could end up in a very ugly situation, be suicidal due to internalizing his hate and other stuff. I have been going through this. my moms abusive no boundaries behavior is so ugly it has caused me to 99% hate myself so massively I am in constant suicidal thoughts because I feel I am not worthy of love. Do not let it get to this point like I did. Emotional abuse can be the end of you if you are not careful to cut the cords, now! 

 REALLY wakes me up. To treat this like it is My Life!!! Because what you say here (↑) is exactly what is happening to me. I have never had suicidal thoughts before this. But when I say he makes me want to shoot myself, I am not kidding that that is the kind of pain he brings me. I can totally see how internalizing all of this can lead to self-hate, harm, and a bunch of other things. How emotional abuse and hate can rot slowly yet fatally within you. I'm happy I actually went through with making this post. Thank you for responding with everything you said. It is a huge wake up call for me. I need to put MYSELF first. Oh and THIS: 
 

19 minutes ago, EntheogenTruthSeeker said:

No being friends or helping him be a fucking man. 

This brings me so much clarity. Because that is exactly what I am trying to do. I am trying to help him be a man. But now I see, I cannot help him be a man. Only he can do that. Thank you again <3 

[Leo Gura]

Well, definitely don't ever contact him again. If you are responding to him every 3 months then that's the problem. You gotta never respond to his messages.

You can set up some spam filters for email or just change your email address.

Try to make it so that he cannot contact you at all.

[RickyFitts]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Gianna, I can't imagine how awful it must be for you  

2 hours ago, Gianna said:

I DONT UNDERSTAND. 

Maybe this is your problem - that you don't understand what's at the root of his behaviour. I'm not proud to admit this, but I can relate to this guy - I was stuck on a girl for years, too, just couldn't move on, wasn't remotely interested in other women. I had a little more self-control than your ex has, thankfully (though I did pursue her pretty hard for a good few months), and I knew it just showed that I had some serious issues to resolve - but it was so, so hard, I was in so much pain and turmoil. It took me a long time to come to terms with it.

I don't say this to try and diminish the severity of your situation, I'm just trying to help you see the situation from his perspective. I think maybe feminine compassion is the answer in this instance. I understand you feeling frustrated, but please don't allow the situation to harden your heart, Gianna.

Feel the inner resistance to the situation within yourself. Allow that to relax. 'What you resist, persists.'

Edited September 12, 2021 by RickyFitts

[gettoefl]

maybe you are too nice a human being for some

this is actually bad, the nicest in life gets walked over, gotta be very discriminating intentional ruthless in where and with whom we place energy

there are some in life who will manipulate nice people and keep them within their clutches and make it seem reasonable and mutual

just because we developed a deep bond with someone does not that they cannot be cut off mercilessly when it is seen they are an ill match for us

people change, situations change, times change, values change

we must be cognizant of this, and be willing to drawn a line in the sand of the past

i am not who i was yesterday, i throw off all chains that impede me, i assert my sovereignty and my authority, i am my compass and my light

this is nothing to do with someone else, and everything to do with you, boundaries 101 is major key to a happy life

 

 

Edited September 12, 2021 by gettoefl

[Jacob Morres]

Part of you might be doing something that's keeping the relationship alive. Maybe you can't let go yet? 

[Seed]

4 hours ago, Gianna said:

I'm considering filing a restraining order against my ex. Except I know I probably won't because that's so extreme. But he will not get out of my life no matter how hard I try. We ended things on good terms. Maybe that's why he won't stop bothering me– because he thinks it's okay! Well, it is not okay and I have made that clear multiple times. I have asked directly multiple, multiple, multiple times for him to exit my life and STAY exited. No contact. No, nothing. Just absence and moving on!! When he refuses to respect my boundaries (which he alwayssss does and why we even broke up) I block him on everything. Phone, well I guess that's it because he doesn't have social media. When I block him on the phone he emails me. When I block him on the email, he creates a new email and writes me. He reaches out to my family on venmo. I had to block him on venmo. It's been 3 years (sometimes more intense than others). He WON'T STOP. He won't move on, he won't find someone else despite my attempt to set him up with someone else– very hot girl. He's a handsome guy I don't understand? He has a LOT of judgement so he probably just can't find someone he can't judge. But it is getting unbearable for me. I yell inside my head that he makes me want to shoot myself. I know that is awful to even think but it's literally how he makes me feel. 

I'm kind of a passive person but I've been VERY aggressive with him. I've even said some awful things like calling him pathetic  which I shouldn't have done. But I feel strangled by him!?!? He won't leave me alone!!! No matter what I do, how serious I get, how hard I try. I've begged him. I've shamed him. I've blocked him. I've name-called him. I've told him I was with someone. I feel like I've tried everything? Unless you guys can think of anything else? Lol, I know name-calling isn't a solution but my point is that he literally doesn't care. He just doesn't find me threatening although I've said threatening things. I don't know what to do. 

Normally, I just put my focus somewhere else and literally don't even pay attention to it which is how I have lasted so long. But this is kind of just avoidance? It's not really solving the issue.

I know it's partially my own fault because I can't stay consistent myself. After like, maybe 3 months or so typically? I'll fall back into friendliness. That's it. Just like the casual how are you and blah blah blah. 3 months is a long time to have like an emotional reset, you know? But I know this just opens the door right back up to abuse. So idk wtf is wrong with me. I guess I just figure he will stop? But he doesn't. I don't have hate in my heart. At least not enough to stay consistent with the aggression and the shaming and whatever other strategy I use to get him to stop. Essentially, my aggression does not last as long as his persistence. I think that is the root issue! I need to learn persistence and consistency to the MAXIMUM.  

Here are some questions I have for you guys: 

1. What are your guys' strategies for staying consistent? 
2. What is the psychology of this kind of psychopath? 
3. It kind of hurts my feelings that he doesn't respect me enough to not torture me. It comes off like he literally doesn't care about me at all. He must not if he is doing this to me. And it really hurts my feelings because we had such a deep relationship before. Any advice on these feelings? 

An alternative to a restraining order is a police warning.

I recently had a problem with stallking / harrasment and didnt want to go down the same route. But a verbal warning from the police telling him to not contact you in any form whatsoever, should do the trick. If he then continues, then he has commited a crime and you can get a restraining order

Edited September 12, 2021 by Seed

[LastThursday]

@Gianna in terms of psychology, it's simple, you've moved on but he hasn't. He's lost in his imagination and probably not deliberately trying to abuse you. But there's no need to understand his psychology, just do what's been said: zero contact, involve police if necessary. Don't be friends with him or friendly towards him, it doesn't make you a bad person.

[Preety_India]

My ex did the same to me. 

Solution - just block, never unblock and never contact again. 

If you are contacting again means you are not allowing it to happen.. 

They will eventually move on if you never contact them. 

 

[mandyjw]

When the thought, annoyance or a new message from him comes up, do this. https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-practice-tonglen/

It will shift things. 

He is suffering, and you want him to be happy. You also know that he has deluded himself into believing that YOU will make him happy. That's a very difficult, impossible situation to be in, as you know. It feels very personal. But it's not. It's the main misunderstanding of mind to think that happiness is found "out there", in relationships, objects, etc. He's just another victim to this misunderstanding. Release yourself of responsibility. 

You mention in the end that you actually feel unloved by him, even though you're the object of his obsession and he feels unloved by you. For both to get closure from the relationship you need to love. There's a reason acting like a cold bitch feels off. You don't have to act nice either. You don't have to contact him at all. Just love him from afar. You have to let go of him before he'll let go of you, and love is the only way to do that. Sounds insane and impossible which is why the tonglen practice is the perfect bridge to doing it. It addresses our collective suffering and lets it go. 

 

Edited September 12, 2021 by mandyjw

[Tudo]

4 hours ago, Jacob Morres said:

Part of you might be doing something that's keeping the relationship alive. Maybe you can't let go yet? 

"relationship alive" wft are you talking about? The girl said the relationship ended a long time ago. She said she already blocked him on the phone.

@Gianna

Is he trying to contact you through different numbers (after he gets blocked with one)? If so I would fill a restraining order immediately.

You said it's already been 3 years since you broke up with him. During this time, have you responding him or flirting with him in any way possible that is giving him hope?

If the answer is no, as I said, you should fill a restraining order against him, as soon as possible. 

Don't wait too much, I see a lot of cases on tv of women even getting killed by obsessive exes.

Edited September 12, 2021 by Tudo

[Tudo]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

 

You mention in the end that you actually feel unloved by him, even though you're the object of his obsession ...

 

This made me thoughtful.

[Javfly33]

He probably obssesed like i was with some Girl some years ago.

Dont try to understand It logically, because its not logical nor rational. Its a disease of the mind. Something like OCD But With a person. Trust me It exists i think its What happened to me. I think he has It too.

What healed for me was Psychedelics. I was Able to get out of that ocd/rumination thanks yo the powerful reset neural skills of Psychedelics. I took lsd 3 times in the time of 2 months and i completely forgot her (or better said, let her go).

Honestly worst hell of my Life. I spent like 1 year everyday having obssesive thoughts about her, several times a day. After healing that shit anything that happens now on Life is a childs cake. Fortunately hes not in such amount of suffering like It was. The good news is, if i was Able to get out he can too ??

 

Edited September 12, 2021 by Javfly33

[Gianna]

Thanks Leo. And also.. 

10 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

If you are responding to him every 3 months then that's the problem. You gotta never respond to his messages.

For whatever reason this line reminds me of your 100% commitment rule (on your LP course I think). I am going to commit, not 99.9999%,but 100% to not responding!!! No wiggle room. I will not respond. I will not respond. It sounds easy. But like I said, 3 months is a long time to have an emotional reset especially when you're into personal development, growth, meditation, and spirituality. haha. By that time, I am so moved on I just don't care and think that I can handle it or be above it or something? But I am not going to fall into this trap not one more time. This dude will never change. It's not even like I want him or need him to, it's just that I'm stupid in believing that he'll stop abusing me. Ugh!!  Anyway, thanks again. 

[Gianna]

10 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

Maybe this is your problem - that you don't understand what's at the root of his behaviour.

Yes. This definitely has a lot to do with my struggle. I am neurotic for understanding. This is why, this: 

4 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

Dont try to understand It logically, because its not logical nor rational.

is like the most accurate description of my behavior. And a part of the reason why I respond after awhile. It's because I want to logically understand what's going on. I can't be stuck in a pattern like this and not understand it. But I guess it's not logical or rational.. as @Javfly33 mentions. It really does feel like an OCD type situation for him which makes me feel sick to my stomach in empathy. But he also mistreats me, sexualizes me, and violates my boundaries. It's a really difficult, hard, and confusing situation to handle. Because I want to help him so bad. But after this long and so many attempts, the failure is just internalizing inside of me. It's like I'm getting rejected over and over and over and over again. He doesn't want a relationship, he just wants someone to comfort him and his needs. Which I understand.. but he doesn't make changes. He won't even help himself. 
But then again, he doesn't think he needs to...

11 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

I'm just trying to help you see the situation from his perspective. I think maybe feminine compassion is the answer in this instance. I understand you feeling frustrated, but please don't allow the situation to harden your heart, Gianna.

Feel the inner resistance to the situation within yourself. Allow that to relax. 'What you resist, persists.'

I know, but it's just hard because the same thing happens over and over again. I feel like there's no room for growth or understanding from him. He doesn't make changes to his life. Like all of my attempts to help him, just miserably fail. And it does hurt my heart because I care about him almost as if he were my son or something. But it also drives me insane..

11 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

Feel the inner resistance to the situation within yourself. Allow that to relax. 'What you resist, persists.'

I definitely feel the resistance. Thanks for reminding me.. <3

[Gianna]

10 hours ago, gettoefl said:

 the nicest in life gets walked over, gotta be very discriminating intentional ruthless in where and with whom we place energy

there are some in life who will manipulate nice people and keep them within their clutches and make it seem reasonable and mutual

just because we developed a deep bond with someone does not that they cannot be cut off mercilessly when it is seen they are an ill match for us

people change, situations change, times change, values change

we must be cognizant of this, and be willing to drawn a line in the sand of the past

This is definitely my area of focus right now. The signs all around me are telling me to have discernment. What I need to have discernment about is where I place my energy (family, friends, lovers, work). It's just hard when my natural inclination is to be an open space. But I don't think I can self-actualize without incorporating these traits.. 

[Gianna]

@Jacob Morres Well, he is a hard core materialist/naive realist so we have opposing values. It would be a frustrating relationship– I think– for the both of us. Better to move on. 

@Seed Genius! Thank you <3 

9 hours ago, LastThursday said:

in terms of psychology, it's simple, you've moved on but he hasn't. He's lost in his imagination and probably not deliberately trying to abuse you. But there's no need to understand his psychology, just do what's been said: zero contact, involve police if necessary. Don't be friends with him or friendly towards him, it doesn't make you a bad person.

Actually, he's the one that ended the relationship.. and he doesn't want to be in one either so that confuses the fuck out of me because he does come off like he loves me. But it doesn't matter because I've grown out of him after these 3 years. Also– to what's in bold– I want to believe that for myself so bad. But my feelings tell me the opposite: that I am a terrible person. I know we both have a lot of trauma. But guys bottle stuff up.. I HATE that because it makes me want to burst in tears. Like, let's just open up to each other and talk about it and find some kind of resolve?