A Journey to Where?

[jjer94]

Previous chapters:

 

 

[jjer94]

A journey to where?

Quote

"In the digital age, you cannot approach your healing journey like a computer with secret short cuts to learn. Each step of this journey must be done with honesty, humility and earnestness. If not, you will remain at the exact step you are on, unable to proceed until a more authentic version of self arrives to advance your journey forward."
—Matt Kahn

Chapter 6.

I am currently writing this in a bedroom right next to a busy highway.

The engines vary — some are whispy and others assault the ears like a firecracker. There's no sense of predictability in it... just like my life right now. 

I am utterly shattered. After five months of attempting to find my place in Boulder, CO, I have ended my journey here with heartache, betrayal, failure, trauma, and jadedness. In three days, I am moving back to Wisconsin. Back with my parents. Back to square fucking one. 

The past month, I've been regularly suicidal. The past two weeks, it was so serious that I had to ask for help. I opened up to my parents for the first time about it. They received me the best they could...and their best was more than sufficient. They didn't judge me; they just want to support me. Same with my brother. That's been the most healing part of the past year — it feels like something shifted in my family, and now they're much more empathetic and curious about my emotional states. 

I can't begin to describe just how horrible these past several months have been. Some things I may not share for confidentiality's sake, and other things may take multiple posts to share. In the meantime, I wrote a blog post that summarizes a lot of what happened. 

While this may not be the case, I feel as if I've backslided to my 2017 self. I'm in the same cycle of retreating back to my parents' house, except this time at least I haven't nearly fasted myself to death — I've only nearly thought myself to death. 

So my next question is — where? I feel like I've tried everything. Nothing has been sustainable. It feels hopeless to live in this world, in this system. It feels like I could die and the memory of me would fizzle out of people's heads like dust in a desert. I feel useless, unwanted, and totally fragmented. 

(Note: this is not a cry for help. I have support systems.)

This next leg of my journey will involve processing the trauma of these past five months; reconnecting with myself; integrating the abysmal failure that was this time in Colorado; getting crystal clear about what I need every single day; returning to the psycho-emotional state I was in before leaving Wisconsin; and prayer. Lots of prayer.

In this state, I can't make guarantees about anything; I can only take everything a day at a time. 

 

Edited September 12, 2021 by jjer94

[jjer94]

The conductor's burden. 

Once upon a platform,
I boarded a train
That required no ticket —
A free ride 
that I could take for granted.
I used two seats
(One for my dirty feet)
Rolled up my sleeves
And made use
Of the amenities
That its conductor 
so generously offered —
Windows to another world;
Warm air to soothe 
My frayed nerves and weary soul;
And a place to rest my body
Warts and all
As I wondered
Where in the hell
I wanted to go. 

The what-if’s 
Of exotic destinations
consumed me
As I consumed that train
And its rickety rails
Faltered at every junction. 
Even so, the conductor
Did not mind my ambivalence.
She pleaded that I stay 
Until the train
Turned to dust and scrap metal
On that northern countryside.
I quickly hopped off the train
at the next stop
In an escapist act of desperation
As the conductor
clung to my coattails
In an escapist act of desperation
Until her
Every 
Last
Finger
Clung to the air. 

I wandered the western countryside
With a sigh of relief,
Looking for thingless things
And mindless mind-stuffs 
That escaped my grasp 
Like watery mirages
On a desert road. 
I tried my hand
At being a conductor myself,
Providing ticketless passage for folks 
Who took two seats
(One for their dirty feet)
And made use 
Of the amenities
That I so generously offered —
Windows to another world;
Warm air to soothe 
Their frayed nerves and weary souls;
And a place to rest their bodies
Warts and all
As they wondered
Where in the hell
They wanted to go. 

One by one
They made a mess
And hopped off my train 
Shortly after boarding
As I clung to their coattails 
In an escapist act of desperation
Until my 
Every
Last
Finger
Clung to the air. 

Left with nothing
But thoughts of
Retreating to Antarctica
I finally understood
The conductor's burden —
A tenuous offering
to let someone board
with no ticket
and in return
receive
no courtesy
no reciprocity
and no guarantee
that you will see them
ever again.

 

 

[jjer94]

a homogenized mixture. 

Quote

“Thus it is that we always pay dearly for chasing after what is cheap.” —Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

My time back in the Northwoods has been a homogenized mixture of deep, grounded, profound joy, fiery rage, and heart-shattering grief. 

When I pulled into my hometown while blasting Bon Iver's self-titled album through the stereo, I wept so hard. What a relief it's been to be in a geographical location where I truly feel safe and at ease. I think there were maybe one or two ten-minute stints total where I felt truly safe and in my body in Colorado. But the moment I'm back in the Northwoods, my body seems to recognize a deep sense of safety, and I'm able to be more in rest and digest. 

Within days, my skin has turned from pepperoni pizza-face to smooth and spotty. I think many factors contributed to my acne in Colorado, both physical and emotional — worse diet; poor digestion due to inability to relax; feeling like I don't belong; and repressed rage from the trauma that I carried. 

With contrast palpably in my grasp, I feel like there's no place I'd rather be than here in the Great Northwoods. The peace and quiet, natural settings, familial support, down-to-earth people, and small-town vibes are qualities that I've come to value highly. I feel so grateful to be back here. 

I also cried upwards of five times yesterday. I texted my ex a couple of days ago to let her know that I'm back in the Northwoods. I texted with a tone of levity because I didn't know how else to communicate. In retrospect, it came across as kind of pompous and inconsiderate, and I wish I would have been more frank. Well, it doesn't really matter, because she never responded. She completely ghosted me.

The following day, I stupidly checked her Facebook and read a post where she related removing tooth decay at the dentist with removing toxic people and things from her life (I blocked her shortly thereafter to spare my sanity). I took it to mean that I am the equivalent of tooth decay. So the person I called right away after the shooting in March, who responded with so much love and affection, who is the most attached I've felt to any one person in my life, whom I love deeply regardless of anything...ignored my text and deems me as toxic as rotting calcium. 

I couldn't handle myself. I drove to a secluded spot and went totally apeshit, screaming and flailing and sobbing and feeling like the ground beneath me disappeared like some trapdoor. I had to reach out for help to my therapist afterwards because I felt totally unhinged, like some screws in my brain had come loose. He helped to ground me. He suspects that these primal reactions I'm having are due to deep developmental trauma, and a mixture of self-soothing and community support will be sufficient. He also shared his own seventeen-year struggle, and how he had to humble himself with menial, back-breaking labor for some time just to come into himself.

I cried once again when I heard his story, because I realize that what I've been missing in my journey is humility. Less focus on the end goal, more on smelling the roses and being there for myself through thick and thin. To slow down. To congratulate myself for the small wins and dance my way through the grindy jobs and the times where I am a complete nobody (like now). Like that Matt Kahn quote in the first post. 

That night, I watched the movie A Taxi Driver with my parents and cried once again. It's a movie based on the true events of a reporter filming the 1980 riots in South Korea in protest of martial law. Seeing the graphic images of bloodied college students in the hospital struck something deep in me. What I took away from it is that my rights are really privileges, tenuous at best — and what matters most are the connections we have. 

The tragedies of that movie resonated with my current tragedies, and I cried some more after the viewing. 

This morning, I checked my ex's website and found a new poem about how she is careful to "leave me where I belong," and how our love was like gasoline. Surprisingly, I only cried twice today, with no mental breakdowns. I picked up my guitar, learned a new song, and bought new music-making software. I also had a job interview with two wonderful folks at a juice bar that went fairly well. So it's been such a strange combination of happenings today. 

Things are moving pretty quickly. I feel A TON more stable now than I did in Colorado, even with total stinginess from my ex. From here, I suspect things will continue to be a homogenized mixture of joy and struggle. 

 

 

Edited September 20, 2021 by jjer94

[jjer94]

shitty and happy.

I've had such a peculiar month.

On the one hand, I've experienced brand-new hurts and dove into my deepest wounds; I've been neurotic and confused; by most metrics on the outside I have "backslid"; my expectations around fame and fortune have shattered. Yet at the same time, I've felt so deeply happy that I'm not sure what to do with it. It's a happiness in knowing that even when I'm going through all of this, I know I'm not a bad person. I don't need to beat myself up for any of it because I am enough as I am. And in the safety of being enough, I've noticed that things unfold at a much healthier pace for me. 

I had a phone call with the girl I dated in Colorado, the one who was living with her ex, who said she was sure that she was done with him and moving on. She's back with him. I respectfully ended my friendship with her. 

My ex has yet to respond to my text. She completely ghosted me and posted some passive-aggressive poetry about leaving me "where I belong" and how she's not ready to remember the ways I was good to her. I blocked her on all social media, but an event linked to her new music page that she started on September 29 which now has 100+ more likes than my page...a page that I've had for seven years.

On top of that, she covered a song by a dude I hung out with once while I was starting my musical journey who is popular in my state. In the description, she was basically licking his feet by writing, "he's the best." At one of her live performances (which I probably shouldn't have attended, but I wanted to support her as a musician), she played that same song and said, "he's going to be famous someday."

I just checked Facebook tonight and found that another young musician chick I jammed with back in 2014 (and almost made a move on; turns out she's queer ) was on TV and is off to LA to do music. I have this sense that she's really going to be famous someday. 

I would have thought I'd be more triggered. Other people "surpassing" me in certain ways is my big wound that rests on the feeling of not being seen or valued.

With all of the stuff with my ex, I felt a primal rage, no doubt. I tantrumed on the bed and wrote some nasty things in my journal that I should probably delete. She's shown a side of herself that appears to have genuinely malicious intent, and it feels like shock and betrayal to my system. 

But the emotional charge to all of this is manageable. 

Of course, there's an immature part of me that can't help but think, I have busted my fucking ass off to get where I'm at now. I've dodged my own death, literally, around half a dozen times. I've written songs that speak from the core of my being. I am a kind person. I have unique gifts and perspectives to offer. I know my zone of genius is songwriting. And this is how you reward me, Universe? When will I be recognized? 

Then I remember: If it benefitted my growth, I would have it by now. If I had it prematurely, I wouldn't be able to receive it.

All of this has been a gift for me in the art of self-love. Real self-love. The kind where there's literally nothing but me, a teddy bear, and Spotify. Where I sit with the ideas that I may never be famous; other people may surpass me in popularity; everyone I know could abandon me; someone I love the most could betray me on a profound level; I may never resolve my neuroses; I may never change. Can I dare to love myself as I am, even if all of those things come true? 

That's what I've been prioritizing, and it's transformed my perspective. As a result, I've taken manageable steps to meet my needs; I've stumbled into part-time work that I totally love; I've made so many new friends that I'm wondering if I'm an ambivert; I've been supporting myself where I'm at rather than where I expect myself to be; I've been creating more from a place of authenticity rather than a place to impress; and I am so much happier. 

All of this happiness, blossoming out of a steaming pile of shit. So peculiar. 

 

 

Edited October 26, 2021 by jjer94

[jjer94]

Human and full.

Well, howdy, partners.

It's been a long-ass rodeo since my last visit to this forum. I thought I'd give an update, to those who are curious.

Life has unfolded in an effortless way the past several months, and all I've had to do, paradoxically, is put in some effort. But it's not really a paradox as much as it is a language game. The effortlessness comes from noticing the opportunities that the Universe throws my way. The effort comes from choosing the most expansive, integrated options as much as possible. 

The word "integration" has been a theme of the past couple years for me. I've become well-acquainted with parts work, which rests upon the idea that the psyche is not just one singular entity but rather a collection of many different parts, all of which have different needs and desires. The task is to make sure all of those needs and desires are heard and accounted for in a way that doesn't undermine any of the parts. 

I've also been deepening my breathwork practice. I'm currently on day 29 of a 30-day breathwork challenge as a part of a certification. Once I'm certified, I'll be able to work one-on-one with clients. I've already facilitated one session and find intense meaning from holding space for someone who has releases and revelations. My plan is to have breathwork facilitation as another income stream alongside working at the juice bar and playing music. 

Which, by the way, is going swimmingly. My voice has improved a lot over the past couple of years in conjunction with all of the self-love and healing work I've been doing. Again, I've learned that the less I "try" to hit notes and the more I focus on the fullness of my breath and the fullness of the moment, the more my singing voice sounds the way I want it. 

I'm still in the process of searching for a new living space, but I found a place that shows some promise. I've been making all of these new friends, a few of them homesteaders, surprisingly. Given what's been happening in the world, I've acquired a newfound interest in self-reliance, and the idea of planting some veggies this spring feels more and more appealing to me.

After plenty of time and space to work through relational wounds with my therapist, I'm on talking terms with my ex again. I feel so genuinely happy that she found someone else that seems to be a better fit for her. I really like the guy. Of course, there's tons of other feelings that came along with that, but I'm glad that things are starting to mend between us. 

Things have honestly been the best they've ever been in my life, from community to dating to family to work to purpose to self-love. I have so few things to complain about these days. My life feels so human and full.

I guess that's partly why I haven't felt the urge to come back on here. My worldview has also diverged quite a bit from Leo's. I haven't watched any of his recent videos for the past several months, nor have I felt the desire to do so. I've also become more and more of a private person, wanting to separate my personal life from the online sphere. 

I'll also be honest...part of the reason I'm up at one in the morning writing this right now is that I have a ball of anxiety in my solar plexus, and the idea that other people could be reading this feels soothing to me, LOL. I'm anxious because I put my neck out for someone I'm dating by sending a long heartfelt text, and she didn't respond at all tonight when she usually responds. 

When I use my felt-sense and tune into the ball of anxiety, what comes up is the fear that I'm too much. I have so much love to give, I sometimes wonder if it scares people away. As a feminine-leaning man, I feel very deeply, and I have a lot of nurturing energy. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm going overboard with her. I've only dated her for a couple months, so we don't have a label yet. But damn. I really like this one. The attraction and chemistry are there, and there's also a ton of compatibility. I have a shout-from-the-rooftops kind of feeling about it, and maybe she senses that on a subtle level, and it's overwhelming her. Or maybe my perception is totally off. Maybe she just didn't want to respond, or something came up. At this stage, who knows?

What also comes up is a recognition that this is my stuff. I didn't ask for a response. All of this emotional charge is mine, and I'm still not quite at the stage in dating yet where I can bring up little things like this. All of this feeling of too-muchness or not-enoughness is just an invitation for me to redirect that energy into nurturing myself and my already full life without her. To not text her back until she texts me back, and focus instead on my music and my other things. 

Dating is so much easier now that I feel a strong sense of purpose with what I do and have lots of friends that I can go to when I'm feeling under-resourced. 

Anyway, that's all she wrote! If you're wondering where I am or what I'm doing these days, you can find my most recent stuff on instagram and my website. I don't plan to be consistent on this forum anymore.

To the lurkers and ones I connected with here, I send you my love and good tidings for the journey ahead! <3

 

 

Quote

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

—Louise Erdrich 

Edited April 6, 2022 by jjer94