My fears always come back

[Shiva99]

Over the past few weeks i've been facing a ton of my fears and insecurities head on. It took a lot of effort, keeping my feet to the fire at all times. It's exhausting, but at the same time it boosted my confidence like hell. The problem however, is that the fear is always coming back, no matter how much i face it. It's not going away. How do i make it stop? I literally want to live like a normal human being for once.

[Cathal]

i think if you were approaching this with the right understanding you wouldn't be still trying to stop fear. you're still expecting it to dissapear, you are impatient because you think it should have left by now with all this work you've done, but you still haven't surrendered fully to it yet

just keep surrendering to it, keep doing right action

[mandyjw]

You know how there are a bunch of movies that end with the monster being killed and the terror of it resolved, but then at the very end you see eggs hatching or some possibility of it returning somehow? Leaving the possibility of a sequel being open? 

You don't vanquish the monster, you realize that you are writing the script. 

[universe]

What did you do exactly to face your fears & insecurities head on?

[hamedsf]

coz fear is hard-wired and it makes such a long consistent effort to make it go away.

don't stop, try as you may! 

[hyruga]

Read the book The War of Art by Steven Pressfield and he will teach you how to deal with fear.

[Loving Radiance]

@Shiva99 Be present with it and witness how you are moving along despite it being there.

https://thesecretyumiverse.wonderhowto.com/how-to/reduce-your-pain-body-0126596/

[Shiva99]

15 hours ago, universe said:

What did you do exactly to face your fears & insecurities head on?

I just face every situation that makes me anxious and uncomfortable.

For instance: if i am scared to walk up to someone in public to ask them a question, i do it anyways no matter what.
( this helped me with my social anxiety in the past, but it's still there)

I use this approach to all of my fears. If my mind tries to lure me out, i notice it and do it anyways.

[Shiva99]

11 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

@Shiva99 Be present with it and witness how you are moving along despite it being there.

https://thesecretyumiverse.wonderhowto.com/how-to/reduce-your-pain-body-0126596/

Yea, i'm doing that.

[universe]

Ok, this is a kinda tricky situation.

First off, the fear you experience is very normal and human. Even very experienced people will get that fear.

The only thing different for someone who is experienced with this kind of fear is, that the fear they feel is quite small.

And they know how to handle it.

 

To lower the fear you can do several things.

1. Just do it.

That is what you are already doing. You get more and more reference experiences where you did what you fear and it didn't hurt you. You are still alive.

2. Release the fear.

This is a form of Emotional Mastery. You can do it from home. You work on the fear and emotions to accept them more and more and to have less and less resistance against them. Paradoxically, by accepting the fear it will become smaller. On the other hand, anything you resist will persist and eventually become stronger.

 

To learn how to handle what is left of the fear you can do this.

1. Become comfortable with tension. This is a crucial skill you can develop. Type "Fearless man tension" into YouTube search if you want to learn more about it. There are a lot of good videos on it.

2. Reframe the situation. People who are good with starting conversations with strangers don't think "I have to do it in order to get rid of my fear", or "I need to do it". No, their internal monolog would be more like "This is gonna be fun", or "I want to do this now".

 

One last point. The reason you are having a hard time with your fears is also because you are constantly thinking about them. And you are making it a center point in your life right now. There is nothing wrong with that! We have to concentrate on things in order to get good at them, or to overcome things. But, and this is kinda advanced, you will only really grow in this area of your life if it doesn't even come up in your mind anymore.

Because you are spending so much time and energy right now on your problem. The problem becomes big. And this can be a trap. Because you are tricking yourself to see a problem and constantly create the problem in your experience. Where no problem really exists.

Don't worry about this too much right now. It will happen automatically.

[JonasVE12]

Changing how your nervous system responds takes time and consistent positive action. Change your relationship to fear through changing how you relate to your body. Embodiment takes time. With time, you'll release more and more fear and transfer this into courage. You climb higher on the emotional scale and get more into courage, acceptance and peace. Stay commited to the journey. Love the fear. Don't identify with it. Feel the energetic flow in your body and allow the sensations to be and take action despite of it. That's courage. The body is the gateway to creating a positive relationship to fear.

[SamC]

@Shiva99 Oh no I am afraid! I need to stop being afraid------- I should expose myself to my fear to stop being afraid ------ oh no, I exposed myself to my fear and I'm still afraid, oh no now I'm afraid of being afraid, I need to stop being afraid.

This is your thought loop^^^^

You're fundamentally afraid of being afraid and try to control not being afraid. You're suppressing and trying to avoid your fear which makes it stronger.

What you instead should focus on if you want to stop being afraid is learning to not care about you being afraid or not. It's okey to not wanting to be afraid, but notice that you're afraid that you will be afraid whatever you do because if you're afraid, that tells you that you're worthless.

The goal is to stop trying to control your emotions. A therapist who is educated in ACT might be very helpful for you in this endeavour. The real KBT lays in learning to accept your emotions.. and that includes those moments when you feel like you can't accept that you're afraid.

You need to accept that you can't accept that you are afraid... and if you can't accept that, you gotta accept that.

Edited September 12, 2021 by SamC

[Nahm]

Underlying the experiences is the identity or identifying. At first glance it may seem insignificant & just semantical, but while fears are thought of repeatedly, aka believed, to be “my fears”, it’s as if you’re saying “this is mine… that much is incontestable… now, how do I be without it?”.  Once it is considered X (in this case fears, but could be anything thought of) isn’t, and never was “yours”, you are already without it. 

When a view, outlook, or perspective is chosen & focused upon… which does not align (via feeling) with your inner being so to speak, it simply doesn’t. It’s self evident and needs no logic, rationale, justification, or labeling. Most importantly perhaps, it needs no solution. 

Another lens… you are saying ‘your fears’ have to do with other people. If that were true there’d be absolutely nothing you could do about it, because of course you are not in charge of or in control of other people. But, if ‘your fears’ have nothing to do with other people, and only to do with your perspectives, then you’re absolutely in control as you can change your perspectives. Who you are, how you are, is never actual, it’s just a perspective. 

One likely very effective specific consideration… you say the fear comes back, as in fear comes & goes. If you tried to point to it you’d find you can not. But if a bus was said to come & go, you could point to it. This stands to help you see your perspective is what’s coming and going, yet, miraculously, you never come & go. 

For what never comes & goes to hold a perspective of any problem with what only comes and goes makes less sense by the minute, because you are the maker of sense, you are the ineffable sense itself. What can experience time must be eternal, what can experience finite must be infinite, and what can experience fear must be love. For what is eternal, infinite, and love itself… some perspectives will feel off. I suggest the new ‘label’ of ‘feels off’, rather than ‘fear’. ‘Feels off’ denotes to me… but ‘fear’ denotes this other thing (which causes me fear, or which I fear). That there is ‘this other thing’, is fundamentally what feels off.