Tips for dealing with a break up

[melodydanielluna]

I have been friends with my boyfriend four about four years, but we didn't get together until July of 2020.  We moved in with each other by December of 2020.  This is my first apartment and my first time living on my own (excluding a few months I lived with an abusive ex, who took care of all the bills).  At twenty-seven years-old, I was terrified to move out, and having my boyfriend's emotional support was much appreciated. 

Because I was so scared and was relying so heavily on his emotional support, I let a lot of things slide: the cleanliness of the place, how cluttered it is, bad spending habits when we were doing the grocery run, etc.  But months later, I am feeling more secure in my ability to take care of myself and pay my bills and everything.  (I've never been unable to pay my bills; it's just a mental thing.)  And these things I let slide and bothering me more and more.

We've tried really hard to work through these issues, but ultimately, we both want to live very differently.  And we have decided to separate.

I'm feeling really anxious and sad, but also excited to live alone.  I am reaching out to this community for support because I know I will need it.  Already, I have doubted my decision many times.  I have panicked about whether or not I can pay my bills.  I have panicked about how lonely I may feel.  I have cried as I think about how much I will miss the good aspects of the relationship. 

We do love each other and have amazing times together!  Unfortunately, we just don't want to live the same way.  He wants to stay out late.  I want to go to bed early.  He wants to tour with his band.  I want to stay home and write.  Etc. etc.

I know I need a year to myself, to be single, to live how I want to live, by myself and for myself.  I feel I need this so I can get a really firm idea of how I want to live and know that I can do it on my own.  From there, I will be a lot more able to set boundaries and watch out for deal breakers when I date someone.

Do you have any advice on how to get through this period and face my fear of being alone?  I know I need to do this, but I am just so scared.

Thanks,

Mel

[hamedsf]

I know breakup can be a hard thing especially for a female. but come on, your psychological growth occurs out of your comfort zone. so you might feel comfortable getting back but does it worth it? 

If I were you, I'd choose to be in that uncomfortable feeling rather than being in a relationship that your lifestyle aren't match for each other. I know It's hard but remember after hardship comes ease.

[Preety_India]

You cannot be prepared for a breakup. You have to force stop a breakup. Meaning you have to do it when you gotta do it, you can't be pussy footing around it forever.

[Spiral]

Start doing new things. Meet new people(not just for sex and relationships). Moving can help. Getting a new job can help. Change you life as much as possible compared to when you were together does wonders. 

[ndm678]

Loneliness will fade into solitude. This is where the magic is. You'll figure the bills/responsibilities dynamic fairly quickly (do a budget and daily/weekly/monthly chore list if you think that would help). Solitude is a great place for introspection and practicing spirituality. 

My gf and I split after living together for awhile. We ended up getting back together after a couple months, but we have our separate places. Not that I'm advocating that for you, but personal space and autonomy can really do wonders.

I hope you find the comfort and beauty in solitude. 

[melodydanielluna]

Thank you everyone. 

The other day I sort of felt myself 'get over it'.  Not like I still don't feel sad.  But I just kind of realized that I am done growing here in this relationship.  And the next step for me is to be on my own.

[Terell Kirby]

I would simply get out a sheet of paper, write down what went well and what went bad in the relationship.

Also, note the learning lessons and how you will use those to grow yourself.

If it was a toxic (co-dependent) relationship, keep contact with your ex at a minimum..preferably no contact at all. The more toxic the relationship, the more your insecurities will drive you to want to reconnect. Beware of this dynamic, and see the situation for what it is.

This is the most constructive way in dealing with a breakup. The raw emotions will cycle through your body and dissolve on their own time...do not try to force those emotions away with addictive substances, or it will get worse.

Edited September 15, 2021 by Terell Kirby

[museumoftrees]

Reflect on the relationship, focus especially on how you could be a better partner in the next one.  Think about what type of partner you would like to attract next. Work on every aspect on yourself. Spend more time working on your craft (i.e writing) and hone down on your talents and passions. Go on with life tasks and life purpose.

Also, go into no contact. None of this 'staying friends' non-sense. Especially if one or both still have romantic feelings for the other.