Dealing With Being Physically Ugly

[MHarris]

How to do it?

I am trying to be at peace with the fact that I will never be in a relationship with a girl, or do anything remotely romantic with a girl.

I am 23, and nothing with a girl has ever happened. 

When I was 14, I was in an accident, which left my face very disfigured and asymmetrical. And upon meeting me, it's instantly apparent to you that my face is very different to how a normal, healthy face should be. 

So, again, I'm trying to be at peace with the fact, but I'm finding it very tough and extremely, extremely upsetting. I'm trying to tip my focus on to other things, but it's still hard when you're living in a city like London and seeing all these gorgeous women around, and just thinking and obsessing over how good my life would've been if that accident never happened at age 14. 

I want to be at full 100% peace with this, but I just think the rest of my life is just going to be complete hell if don't become at peace. I have a long time to go on this planet, assuming I don't die early, and to live with this is just going to be hard. I just know for sure it will be super hard. 

My authentic self wants to be in a relationship with a girl. Well and truly, I WANT a relationship with a girl. But the fact is that it is not possible for me. I'm not one of those normal guys that can get a girl to like them. So I'm just trying to be at one with this, and to just get on with my life, I guess. 

So, what do I do?

 

[kyle barnett]

Show us a picture of your face bro. Put it as your profile pic. And I'l help you out. Just because you had an accident, does not mean you will never get with a woman are you fucking nuts? It doesn't matter man. You have to accept your fate and start walking like a king. Stop trying to be good enough for woman it is honestly fucking stupid saying from my experience. 

 

Let me tell you something about looks. No matter how hard you try to look good, you will inevitably fail at being attractive to woman unless you start being a man, and you are not afraid to show the floors of yourself. A lot of guys actually do like good, but unfortunately they are not confident and emotionally mature so they way people perceive them changes. Why do trends occur? It's not that the new look actually looks good, it may look shit, but some celebrity made it work just because of his identity.

 

A girl would love a strong man who is able to accept himself with love, and spread it, despite what has happened to him. That my friend would make her love you !

 

Before you say "Oh girls are shallow and only care about looks" start noticing the guys who are able to be fully expressive and authentic and the guys who pussy foot and try to act. You will find the authentic guys get what they want. Even if they are pussies ! The fact they don't hide anything already is enough. 

 

Look man. another thing is even if I tell you this. It is going to go straight over your head. How do I know? Cause I been there.  Go out and talk to girls, and try to have fun with them and connect with them. Stop worrying if they like you or not. Forget that. 

 

Stop clinging to wanting a girlfriend for fulfillment. Be fulfilled. It's not hard. You just don't want to do it cause your attached to your identity. Just surrender completely and accept with love who you are. 

 

The fact you are on actualized.org shows you know your stuff bro. Society is stupid. They run on emotional stimulation. Not logic. Physical appearance is believed to be logical, when infact is completely emotional. 

 

Much love bro, accept yourself fully, don't just accept what is good about you

[SFRL]

Hey man what's up...

I think what you definitely should not do is give up.

I have seen it where a guy I used to work with, he had some bodily disfigurments. Then a couple of years later he got himself a girlfriend, 'normal' girl pretty nice looking actually. And he also was making massive career progression in a career where his disfigurments could have held him back if he had let it happen. 

What is obvious about this guy is that he has a very strong life purpose. And he followed that. 

I would suggest you do this as well. Try to be the best version of you that you can be even with the obstacle you are facing. You got to become the most attractive you can be even though you have something going against you. 

It would be nice if you can get yourself a lot of girls and be a pick-up artist but in the end it's probably more fulfilling for you to have one girl regardless. And it only takes one. But then you got to be able to offer something, like anyone else. So cultivate your strengths, and work on improving on the areas that need work. (other then your face, most people have multiple areas that need improvement). You want to look at the total package here.

So I don't rule it out (easy to say for me) that you can get yourself a 'normal' girl. 

On the other hand there must be dating groups or meeting groups for people with disfigurments who have the same desires as you do I think. Definitely in a city as big as London. So maybe it could be an option to join a group like that? 

Let's say you would meet a girl who looks like a model, and she is smart and funny. But she is missing an arm. Would you date her?

Now again though, will she date you? Would she date the you that you are now? Maybe not. Would she date the best version of you that you can possibly be? Think about it.

 

 

Edited December 9, 2016 by STC

[MHarris]

Hey thanks for the replies 

But I'm not asking for advice on how to turn my luck around with women. 

I KNOW that I'm completely done in that area. Trust me. The accident was pretty brutal.

I just want to know how I can live with this fact, without thinking that my future will just be full of helplessness, misery and tears. 

I don't want that for myself, if I can help it. 

 

[Awomanaware]

@MHarris I know this is hard for you, but believe me, there are so much more fulfilling things in life than just relationships. Like, there are relationships and EVERYTHING ELSE!  But, of course, it is normal for you to feel that way... In my opinion, deleting this current image of yourself "never having a girlfriend" that has been imprinted in your brain - could help.

Think about this - Are you really at peace with your body? I've found that the desire to be in a relationship could just be a sign of not giving yourself enough love. The ego tends to look for validation outside. When you fully accept your body, you will realise - it's just a tool that helps you to expand even more. Not only your body, you have to accept your ego too. Love and accept every little desire that arises, but be aware those desires are not yours. Those are just thoughts arising because your ego is comparing your body with everyone elses, and keeps thinking you won't have a girlfriend because of that. Realise the acceptance of your body is much more important than having a girlfriend. Maybe this would seem impossible to you, but try to think of your "condition" as a blessing. This is a tool that has been given to you to realise deeper truth, something that a "normal guy" would maybe never realise, because he's having unsignificant relationships with pretty girls that he likes just because their appearance, not having time to self reflect. This has led you to the path of self actualization. What can be more important than that? If you are not at peace with who you are, you cannot have a normal relationship. You're young, you have plenty of time for everything. Now you can work on yourself, give yourself so much love, do the things you love, learn, expand. Why would you want to be with a girl that is into physical appearance anyway? Master your masculine and feminine energy, feel good in your body, LOVE your body no matter what, and the right woman/women will then know you LOVE no matter what, and that's hot!

[SFRL]

@MHarris so what else are you doing in your life? Study, work, got your own place?

Go to the gym, got hobby's, wear nice clothes? 

Edited December 8, 2016 by STC

[MHarris]

@STC I currently am sharing a flat, and studying physics at a university in London.

I go to the gym, have hobbies that I like as well.

Don't know what you mean by 'nice'. They're not expensive, but fit pretty well.

Also, im currently trying to find out what I want to do with the rest of my life; I doubt I'll ever kill myself, and because I've removed myself from the dating game, this means I have ton and tons of time to do what I want. But I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Nothing in my life that I'm super passionate about. I'm trying to look for this though by experimenting with different hobbies and such. 

[kyle barnett]

Dude, just let it go. Whether your single or not, it does not matter. First step to being happy is to change your perception of reality. Start having love for reality and the world, it's not hard at all. You can be fulfilled right now just by smiling and breathing. The trick is you don't want to. Your ego isn't comfortable with, it wants that girlfriend, I know. Do not take life so seriously.

I want you to ask yourself, do you really need to worry about it? If you do, your ego has an attachment. YOur deeper spiritual self does not care whether your single or not. Listen to the quite stillness, that is always heard despite noise. You are always that complete stillness no matter what strife you go through my bro. Life is life, let life just happen. Stop worrying about girls. But at the same time, it is totally okay to desire woman and sex. Allow it. The resistance is why it is a problem. Next time you feel strong desire for woman, or a girl, be happy. Life is not about getting every single thing you desire. 

 

Tip. You don't have to get over it. You just have to realise, it is okay. Im saying for my old self who was willing to kill himself because he thought not being able to have a relationship with a woman, is lack of living. Be in the moment. I know it becomes cliche but just ask yourself, why do I need something else to satisfy me when I am already breathing? 

 

Maybe even just go out and start spreading love to people, give for people, and don't worry about yourself. Good way to realise you don't NEEd something for satisfaction. I can explain all this for hours for you if you want, but only you can love yourself man.

[kyle barnett]

Also that's good bro. I hope all the best for you

[SFRL]

3 hours ago, MHarris said:

@STC I currently am sharing a flat, and studying physics at a university in London.

I go to the gym, have hobbies that I like as well.

Don't know what you mean by 'nice'. They're not expensive, but fit pretty well.

Also, im currently trying to find out what I want to do with the rest of my life; I doubt I'll ever kill myself, and because I've removed myself from the dating game, this means I have ton and tons of time to do what I want. But I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Nothing in my life that I'm super passionate about. I'm trying to look for this though by experimenting with different hobbies and such. 

@STC @MHarris @MHarrisMy point is that those are the basics you want to have covered if you want to pick up girls. Otherwise it's just mission impossible. 

I googled "dating for disabled people" and got plenty of hits. You can do the same. I dont know if disabled is exactly the right word, but the point is you can find groups and/or dating sites for people that ho trough the same thing as you. And realistically I think that's a threshold you could take. 

That's the great thing about the internet. You can find anything you want on there. 

Also look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs. There is a video about that under foundational videos. It's a basic need you are trying to full fill. 

Edited December 8, 2016 by STC

[Live Life Liam]

14 hours ago, MHarris said:

How to do it?

I am trying to be at peace with the fact that I will never be in a relationship with a girl, or do anything remotely romantic with a girl.

I am 23, and nothing with a girl has ever happened. 

When I was 14, I was in an accident, which left my face very disfigured and asymmetrical. And upon meeting me, it's instantly apparent to you that my face is very different to how a normal, healthy face should be. 

So, again, I'm trying to be at peace with the fact, but I'm finding it very tough and extremely, extremely upsetting. I'm trying to tip my focus on to other things, but it's still hard when you're living in a city like London and seeing all these gorgeous women around, and just thinking and obsessing over how good my life would've been if that accident never happened at age 14. 

I want to be at full 100% peace with this, but I just think the rest of my life is just going to be complete hell if don't become at peace. I have a long time to go on this planet, assuming I don't die early, and to live with this is just going to be hard. I just know for sure it will be super hard. 

My authentic self wants to be in a relationship with a girl. Well and truly, I WANT a relationship with a girl. But the fact is that it is not possible for me. I'm not one of those normal guys that can get a girl to like them. So I'm just trying to be at one with this, and to just get on with my life, I guess. 

So, what do I do?

 

DUDE!!!!

Your using looks as an excuse for why you aren't happy in your life. It's totally understandable but you really got to get over this crutch since its a distraction from the real work to accomplish your goals.

You need to spend lots of introspection time to really go deep into your subconscious and begin working on improving your self image again first so I'd recommend looking for help as much as you can but I will also say that personally I don't believe you have no chance with any woman in a relationship ever again. What you are doing here is projecting your own judgement, bias's and labels onto the world right now and the problem is now it's limiting you.

Another thing is forget chasing validation! A woman or any material thing (people, object, phenomena will never make you content so I'd suggest spending your time on really working on what brings you joy and understanding the nature of reality and yourself more. Companionship is a great thing don't get me wrong but it isn't a necessity for a truly fulfilling life.

Be CREATIVE in how you do this and spend time on questioning these desires of yours. They may not be as authentic as you think. The need for a woman to make you happy usually stems from the societal bombardment of the idea of romantic love and that if you don't have it your a loser. 

But even though I say all this I still don't believe you when you say you couldn't get a woman and there is 0 possibility. Your ego is attached to the physical body and appearance way to much and you need to work on that because until you do then of course your going to think your doomed, ugly and worthless.

What you also need is to see other people such as yourself (physical deformities or disabilities) to call bullshit on your claim to open your mind. 

 

Sean Stephenson in general will shut you the fuck up with his speeches and make you take action so I recommend searching him out on YouTube also.

There are many many many more examples of so called ugly guys/girls doing well in the dating field.

So the truth is nomatter what you look like you need to notice how your mind is making excuses to not pursue something you want.

Remember that if you want something just reach out and grab it!

You can create anything you put your mind to!

 

 

 

 

Edited December 9, 2016 by Live Life Liam

[Franz]

Hi there! You already received good advise from everyone, but let me add: Rock it, Scarface. Being beautiful, especially as a man, is "nice to have", more assotiated with girls than anything else, not even 1% of your success in life. Negative comments will come, from  others and especially yourself. Use  them as a guide, nobody who is truly aware will talk bad about this (including you), and why care about monkeys flinging shit at you?  I even call you narcisstic right now, just trying to shake it out of you! You are not worthy of love because your face is not pleasing to the eye? Thats some super-superficial, model-with-eating-disorder-like talk. You cant be serious, please laugh a bit about this nonsense of yours. If you dont make it a Problem, no one else will. Using your actual picture as a profile pic is a great idea! 

Have a wonderful day! Watch some Phantom of the opera, beauty and the beast kinda stuff. 

 

Edited December 9, 2016 by Franz

[General 2]

If you're from the UK, you might have heard of the show called Beauty and the Beast...

Please watch season 2, episode 4. The moment I remember clearly is a protagonist guy being hugged by his girlfriend...really-really tight..

The topic you raised is also discussed in this episode. Hope this helps in any way...

[avk123]

On 12/8/2016 at 8:31 PM, MHarris said:

How to do it?

I am trying to be at peace with the fact that I will never be in a relationship with a girl, or do anything remotely romantic with a girl.

I am 23, and nothing with a girl has ever happened. 

When I was 14, I was in an accident, which left my face very disfigured and asymmetrical. And upon meeting me, it's instantly apparent to you that my face is very different to how a normal, healthy face should be. 

So, again, I'm trying to be at peace with the fact, but I'm finding it very tough and extremely, extremely upsetting. I'm trying to tip my focus on to other things, but it's still hard when you're living in a city like London and seeing all these gorgeous women around, and just thinking and obsessing over how good my life would've been if that accident never happened at age 14. 

I want to be at full 100% peace with this, but I just think the rest of my life is just going to be complete hell if don't become at peace. I have a long time to go on this planet, assuming I don't die early, and to live with this is just going to be hard. I just know for sure it will be super hard. 

My authentic self wants to be in a relationship with a girl. Well and truly, I WANT a relationship with a girl. But the fact is that it is not possible for me. I'm not one of those normal guys that can get a girl to like them. So I'm just trying to be at one with this, and to just get on with my life, I guess. 

So, what do I do?

 

"You are not what happened to you you are what you choose to become"

When you become the coolest motherfucker you have ever known - everything else will come into alignment.

 

Good luck brother 

[General 2]

I would recommend watching this video. Please skip the beginning. I like how he explains the subject without complications.

 

Hope this will help you to come out with a plan to kick this world's ass back

[avk123]

On 12/8/2016 at 8:31 PM, MHarris said:

How to do it?

I am trying to be at peace with the fact that I will never be in a relationship with a girl, or do anything remotely romantic with a girl.

I am 23, and nothing with a girl has ever happened. 

When I was 14, I was in an accident, which left my face very disfigured and asymmetrical. And upon meeting me, it's instantly apparent to you that my face is very different to how a normal, healthy face should be. 

So, again, I'm trying to be at peace with the fact, but I'm finding it very tough and extremely, extremely upsetting. I'm trying to tip my focus on to other things, but it's still hard when you're living in a city like London and seeing all these gorgeous women around, and just thinking and obsessing over how good my life would've been if that accident never happened at age 14. 

I want to be at full 100% peace with this, but I just think the rest of my life is just going to be complete hell if don't become at peace. I have a long time to go on this planet, assuming I don't die early, and to live with this is just going to be hard. I just know for sure it will be super hard. 

My authentic self wants to be in a relationship with a girl. Well and truly, I WANT a relationship with a girl. But the fact is that it is not possible for me. I'm not one of those normal guys that can get a girl to like them. So I'm just trying to be at one with this, and to just get on with my life, I guess. 

So, what do I do?

 

"You are not what happened to you you are what you choose to become"

When you become the coolest motherfucker you have ever known - everything else will come into alignment.

 

Good luck brother 

 

Here this may help 

 

[MHarris]

An update:

So I've decided to do something about this: I'm going to get a girlfriend. Well, I'm going to try, at least.

Otherwise I know I'm just repressing/suppressing what I authentically want. I'm smart enough to see that, in both the short-term and the long-term, not doing anything about my situation will cause me great pain, angst and regret.

And I also see how this suppression of actual wants is spilling over negatively in to other parts of my life. I'm becoming bitter. That's not good. I'm acting like a victim, which is definitely not good. 

I also logically realise that having a girlfriend or some sex or whatever isn't going to actually make me happy and fulfilled. I know this logically. But I feel I need to at least go through with direct experience. 

I would not be a strategic motherfucker if I don't get this part of my life sorted out. 

So, where do I start? Any advice? Should I get a dating coach? Any books/videos I need to read/watch? 

[p.s. I don't like clubs. Doesn't fit my lifestyle at all (I wake up really early, every day)]

Edited December 21, 2016 by MHarris

[Aware]

@MHarris Physics rules! 

 

Sense of self is, by force of lust. Get your main focus on how girls, nor boys, or anyone is not separated from you. As long as this doesn't change, you only send out to the environment someone else is something to gain. You can't gain yourself, hold yourself, for you must die eventually, so get rid of this view.

3 things can be observed about you by the world of the senses, and 5 cannot be observed by the world of the senses. Which 5 cannot be  directly observed by the 5 senses?

1. View.
2. Intentions.
3. Effort.
4. Attention.
5. Concentration.

Which things can be seen by the world of the  5 senses?

1. Speech.
2. Act.
3. Livelihood.

The 5 things that cannot be observed by the world of the 5 senses, should be, purified.

The 3 things that can be seen by the world of the 5 senses, should be, purified.

Technique:

Be extremely clear:

• What is my view about me?
• What are my views about others?
• What are my views of others about me?
• What is the view of others about me?
• What is the preferred idea of me?
• What blocks me to attain the preferred idea of me?
• What do others think that block me to attain the preferred idea of yourself? (don't discuss, no twist conversation, accept their word as truth until proven differently, if proven differently, be glad this is so, and thank them for their feedback).

Write down in all honesty. Ask some people you trust to answer the questions out of the list that are for your environment to answer. And finally when you have it, I want you to clearly meditate, investigate, what truly within yourself is blocking it. Find the cause, find its fuel source (the part that craves), and find out how to tire it out by something to seclude from that keeps triggering it.

Another point that can help with your investigation, is first to pinpoint it about yourself, what truly seems to be blocking, and review this how this might be general to all sentient beings. If its not for all sentient beings, seek what is for all sentient beings, that relate to it the most of all things. Then finally lock in what truly is connected to your own view, what you do different and start to understand that which you found indeed to be common to all sentient beings, and solve the misunderstanding, and use this to fuel your strive to change yourself for the best.

All others who read this, can use this  technique as well for a lot of other questions e.g:

- What holds me back to be the loving and kind person that I wish to be?
- What holds me back to be mindful and responsible?

Remember, although the above is much work, but use it as an opportunity to change your way of thinking, literally thinking differently and meet others like minded. 

 

Edited December 22, 2016 by Motus

[Visionary]

On 21-12-2016 at 9:36 PM, MHarris said:

An update:

So I've decided to do something about this: I'm going to get a girlfriend. Well, I'm going to try, at least.

Otherwise I know I'm just repressing/suppressing what I authentically want. I'm smart enough to see that, in both the short-term and the long-term, not doing anything about my situation will cause me great pain, angst and regret.

And I also see how this suppression of actual wants is spilling over negatively in to other parts of my life. I'm becoming bitter. That's not good. I'm acting like a victim, which is definitely not good. 

I also logically realise that having a girlfriend or some sex or whatever isn't going to actually make me happy and fulfilled. I know this logically. But I feel I need to at least go through with direct experience. 

I would not be a strategic motherfucker if I don't get this part of my life sorted out. 

So, where do I start? Any advice? Should I get a dating coach? Any books/videos I need to read/watch? 

[p.s. I don't like clubs. Doesn't fit my lifestyle at all (I wake up really early, every day)]

You might want to detach from your desire bro. Just view dating as one big game. Just like life itself. Don't take it so seriously. Don't expect anything. And enjoy the game. Detach and get involved! This is absolute key to anything.

[Consept]

You might want to check rsd specifically tyler and julien (varied opinions on them but i like them)

Ive pulled up this vid where i disabled guy who could barely walk up stairs goes on stage and talks to the crowd its quite eye opening. 

But real talk i know its hard to deal with what youre going through but its part of your specific journey and it will make you stronger for going through it. For the other people who maybe so called good looking they could get stuck in their comfort zone and attached to their looks which could mean them never finding their true self because they never have the motivation to, which to me is also a sad situation regardless of how it looks to the outside. Anyway good luck and i genuinely hope you get to a peaceful mentality and are able to get the most from life, keep us updated