healing work

[Cathal]

a big blockade for me is reintegrating into a group of people, a community, family or whatever you wanna call it.

when i say reintergrating  i mean i carry  a heavy kind of complex trauma of slowly being ostracized from when i was a teenager until i chose to leave my family and town behind and move to a new country when i was 21. still, this wound cuts very deep, it seems i have to find a group or community to be comfortable with expressing myself exactly as i want otherwise i don't think i can clean this particular dirt off my lenses.

the image that i got caught up has a the core of building my personality around behaving in a way that people will be attracted to me and avoid being bullied anymore and not really expressing what i want, and repressing all the right ways of living i want to be aligned with yet i am turmoil of how to find a community.

it's really difficult to find a community that would not judged me, since i basically isolated myself for the past 10 years i am really incompetent with people and get trapped in the knee jerk social reactions and often mess up myself even more, it's a kind of heavy self-judgment that even watched from a point of not being identified with it its like you're at the receiving end of heavy negative emotions,

what is a good way to find a group of people could help soothe the patterns of avoidance anxiety and fear that is engrained into me? i can't really  find what i'm looking for, perhaps it's too fantasy like and perfect but i really do think i could comeby people in similiar positions to me, who just don't give a fuck as long as we are all understanding judging eachother is pointless

[RickyFitts]

Have you looked into emotional support groups? 

[Roy]

8 hours ago, catcat69123 said:

what is a good way to find a group of people could help soothe the patterns of avoidance anxiety and fear that is engrained into me?

I don't think you should get too invested and maybe even trapped in the idea that you need to find the "right" or "perfect" group of people. Don't miss out on some good waiting for great to come along.

Perhaps you to search within and unwind a bit of conditioning in your mind, realize that a lot of people aren't actually as judgmental as you think they are. Most people more or less are actually pretty cool. We are just used to focusing on the bad more because that's what goes trending on YouTube and other garbage.

I've been in a very similar mindset to what you're describing. A huge mindfuck is realizing the times you're actually the one judging THEM for being judgmental. When in fact you don't even know what they are like yet!

Some anxiety and other unpleasant feelings start to clear up like moisture being wiped away from a windshield, as you start to correct perception.

[Cathal]

@Roy yeah i have been away from group social interactions for a long time, so basically i would say my default perception of people is highly based on that period of time in which i was bullied hard and being sidelined for years, my own family kind of rejecting me and so on so basically it's a very hypervigilant awareness that is really hard to calm down, i can never really enjoy or get into a group when i look like a schizo maniac

 

so yeah, i can reframe other people in my mind it's just i wonder if going into a group with less awareness of judgments and more likely to project will it futher traumatize the ego?

because essentially what i have been doing is working as much on myself as possible but i feel i'm closing in on a point i need to come back into the world and feel present with others but yeah, i'm a bit anxious about well if i just get rejected again will it be endless negativity all over again or what is it i need to do to calm down this messed up kid inside me

[Tefikos]

Have you tried Byron Katie's work? It can be really useful for questioning your belief that make you feel anxious and fearful.

Letting go the resistance for the situations that make you feel anxious can also be helpful, so you can feel fully the the painful feelings that once we're too overwhelming to process through. Sometimes when you just let go the resistance for underlying chronic feelings, they disappear automatically or you get some insight from the situation, that make you understand what really happened. Then you can use the insight to change your perspective for what you're afraid of.

 

[SLuxy]

@catcat69123 I'd advise two things. However, perhaps, keep in mind that I don't know your life story. So, no pressure to follow my advice .

1. Get involved in Stage green things, or with stage green people.

Something like volunteering might be cool. Particularly, with animals as its less pressure. People are nicer at these sorts of things, and also its less intense as you can focus on actual helping of animals if feeling overwhelmed.

@RickyFitts's suggestion sounds promising!

2. Start small

Also, I'd, perhaps, start small. If the above is too much, or just not comfortable, then it may be better to start as small as you can. I.e. working in a book shop. There you have to be quieter, and its more relaxed. You'll be around more introverts as well. 

Even that may be too much, so keep adjusting based on what feels comfortable for ya!

[Cathal]

@SLuxy yeah i have had realized a lot of shit, i think that's a good idea to do some work that involves people but not directly, or going to an artificial environment solely for the purpose of talking to people but like an activity with others, actually good idea

did i mention i am living in a country where i don't speak the fucking language ? lol

anyways, yeah, just going to slip into probably what is comfortable but not too comfortable, i guess my impatience is playing up here for change but yeah i think i can start small, probably stick to online groups till i can find some english speakers

thanks guys

[LeoX8]

@catcat69123 The first advice that comes up to me is that you won't find the ideal/perfect community, changing your circumstances won't solve your problems and wounds; so don't focus to much on finding the "right people" but on healing yourself.

That being said, there are toxic people and it'll be good for you to not spend time with them.

On the other hand there are also really good people and to find them you need to search them and expose yourself to a lot of social dynamics. What type of people are you interested in? Where you could find them?

Start simple: maybe you like playing tennis and there's a playing camp near you and you can just go there and talk to the people there, see if you are interested in them and you repeat the process if you don't like them. 

It's quite difficult to spot where "the non-judgmental community" is going to be, there is not a "non-judgment place" so just meet more and more people with different interests and cultures and you'll find the "right ones".

But this will be useless if you won't heal your wounds first because you will still continue to have fear/anger/emotional reactions out of those social interactions.

Where is created the need for approval in yourself? Can you go deeper? And even more deep?

 

hope that this has helped <3

 

[Cathal]

hmm can you elaborate on the 'But this will be useless if you won't heal your wounds first because you will still continue to have fear/anger/emotional reactions out of those social interactions.'?

i had thought to myself that by even, with the intense fear of vunreability and al that shit that if I can get into social interaction this is the way to heal the wounds, that perhaps if i keep doing it it won't be so intense or something, how to do it to yourself without going into more social interaction?

 

[Cathal]

@LeoX8 .