Why do we loathe our exes?

[Terell Kirby]

I really want to explore this question existentially. 

Through my awakenings, I have changed a lot of feelings towards my exes. 

When a relationship ends, mutual or not, it carries some form of trauma with it. One of our greatest fears as a human, is the fear of loss. This of course triggers second layer emotions of the grieving process: denial, anger, sadness, guilt and an eventual letting go. As I become more conscious, I am able to appreciate each of these stages, which quickly gets me into the last stage of letting go.

How quick we let go is correlated to how selfish and ego-centric we are. We create some form of story about our ex and why it ended, usually this story is self serving in some way. When we become more self-less (spiritual), we can find something to appreciate about our ex, and the wisdom gained for having them in our life.

Edited September 8, 2021 by Terell Kirby

[mandyjw]

“It is a curious subject of observation and inquiry, whether hatred and love be not the same thing at bottom. Each, in its utmost development, supposes a high degree of intimacy and heart-knowledge; each renders one individual dependent for the food of his affections and spiritual life upon another; each leaves the passionate lover, or the no less passionate hater, forlorn and desolate by the withdrawal of his object.”

“It is to the credit of human nature, that, except where its selfishness is brought into play, it loves more readily than it hates. Hatred, by a gradual and quiet process, will even be transformed to love, unless the change be impeded by a continually new irritation of the original feeling of hostility.”
― Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

Thought says someone or something makes me happy. Thought says someone or something makes me unhappy. Love doesn't say this, love just is itself, love. Love loves. Love feels like love. You never stop loving anyone. 

 

Edited September 8, 2021 by mandyjw

[Roy]

People typically loathe others from ended relationships because the ego usually interprets the reason for the separation as some kind of deficiency it has. Which of course it absolutely hates to have revealed to it. True or not.

Insecurity basically.

I like to imagine someone so developed on this scale that they could be left suddenly by their partner of a 25 year marriage, and be so secure and selfless that they hardily resist or try to hold on (if at all). And that their grieving process would be insanely accelerated compared to the 5-10+ years it takes most people to get over something like that.

It's these kind of superhuman possibilities that inspire me and give me something to work towards personally.

[Terell Kirby]

10 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Thought says someone or something makes me happy. Thought says someone or something makes me unhappy. Love doesn't say this, love just is itself, love. Love loves. Love feels like love. You never stop loving anyone. 

Beautiful <3

6 minutes ago, Roy said:

People typically loathe others from ended relationships because the ego usually interprets the reason for the separation as some kind of deficiency it has. Which of course it absolutely hates to have revealed to it. True or not.

Insecurity basically.

I like to imagine someone so developed on this scale that they could be left suddenly by their partner of a 25 year marriage, and be so secure and selfless that they hardily resist or try to hold on (if at all). And that their grieving process would be insanely accelerated compared to the 5-10+ years it takes most people to get over something like that.

It's these kind of superhuman possibilities that inspire me and give me something to work towards personally.

This! You are spot on, being self-less and forgiving towards our ex is the last thing we want to do after breakup. Nonetheless, the more self-less we are, the quicker we heal.

Like age old adage says; holding a grudge is like drinking poison, and expecting the other to die. </3

Edited September 8, 2021 by Terell Kirby

[hamedsf]

in conditional limited human love everything is about survival so hate is another form of love. 

 

 

[LastThursday]

I think, sometimes, blaming or hating our exes gives our egos an escape from having to look at themselves and say "I messed up". But it's also important to recognise there can be a grieving process with relationship breakup, and that process can make you angry or resentful. I don't necessarily think that grieving process can or should be bypassed by being "spiritual". Hate your ex for a while and then get over it and love them for what they gave you.

[gettoefl]

you failed ... even if they were the devil ... you picked to stay with them

who wants to be reminded of their failures?

i am the good guy after all, i mean look how amazing i am, yea i know let's spin them as the devil incarnate and hate them for leaving this paragon of excellence

but joking aside in my cases, i love every single ex of mine, i know what a jerk and ahole i am and have been, they were dealing with the incomplete article

[Vzdoh]

Maybe it's weird, but I do not hate any of my exes. I know exactly why relationship broke up and where it was my fault and deficiencies and where it was due to them. And I accept both. From where I was wrong, I made invaluable learning experience and grew tremendously. 

So don't really understand how can u hate someone if u r crystal clear on what was the reason 

[Preety_India]

Because my ex was a jerk. 

 

[Gesundheit2]

The only way I truly and absolutely got over my ex was by realizing how selfish I was for loving her.

Turns out love is really nothing but pure fantastical selfishness. I am pretty sure I did not really love her, only loved myself, even though I thought and acted as if I did love her and not me. I even cried a lot when we broke up. It's crazy how genius and sneaky the mind is and how capable it is at creating any illusion it wants.

Eventually, the selfishness realization occured (during a solo retreat) and I got over her immediately. I realized that it was my devilry that's causing me all the pain, and so with that realization I was able to let go. Now, I feel completely neutral about her, as if I'd never even known her to begin with. If we were to meet again, I would most definitely not fall in love again. Love is now an obsolete concept for me. It's the work of the devil, and I'm not a fan of his work.

Sometimes, I look back and wonder who that jackass who fell in love was lol. It sure was a growth experience, but I think I've learned everything I needed to learn. Love thyself.

Edited September 8, 2021 by Gesundheit2

[Terell Kirby]

5 hours ago, LastThursday said:

I think, sometimes, blaming or hating our exes gives our egos an escape from having to look at themselves and say "I messed up".

I agree, it may not be totally on you...but there were moment of selfishness that refuse to be brought to light. This all happens through projection of course.

2 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

Maybe it's weird, but I do not hate any of my exes.

You are unique in this, you must have a very healthy internal state.

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Because my ex was a jerk. 

Sometimes this is so, but is it possible to appreciate/love them for what they taught us?

1 hour ago, Gesundheit2 said:

Turns out love is really nothing but pure fantastical selfishness. I am pretty sure I did not really love her, only loved myself, even though I thought and acted as if I did love her and not me.

Yes, it is love...but a low form. Ego wants love to serve it, and it alone. A higher love is to be one of service, even if that means gracefully ending things with no resentment or attachments.

[Mason Riggle]

18 hours ago, Roy said:

People typically loathe others from ended relationships because the ego usually interprets the reason for the separation as some kind of deficiency it has. Which of course it absolutely hates to have revealed to it. True or not.

Insecurity basically.

I like to imagine someone so developed on this scale that they could be left suddenly by their partner of a 25 year marriage, and be so secure and selfless that they hardily resist or try to hold on (if at all). And that their grieving process would be insanely accelerated compared to the 5-10+ years it takes most people to get over something like that.

It's these kind of superhuman possibilities that inspire me and give me something to work towards personally.

I love all my exes. 

If my wife wanted to leave me tomorrow, I would lovingly help her along on her journey, as I only desire for her health and happiness, above all else. I was fine before we met, I'll be fine without her. 

[Terell Kirby]

30 minutes ago, Mason Riggle said:

I love all my exes. 

If my wife wanted to leave me tomorrow, I would lovingly help her along on her journey, as I only desire for her health and happiness, above all else. I was fine before we met, I'll be fine without her. 

What if she cheated? Just throwing a hypothetical to test your love limits 

[Mason Riggle]

@Terell Kirby my ex wife 'cheated'.  I still love her.  I recognize that she only ever behaves with good intentions.  

[Hulia]

I don´t hate my exes. I also didn´t create any story about them and I don´t know why it ended, no idea - cannot look at their minds. 

Apart of the case when it was me who ended the relationship, then I know of course. 

[Terell Kirby]

2 hours ago, Hulia said:

I don´t know why it ended, no idea - cannot look at their minds. 

I don't buy that, surely you knew something.

[Nos7algiK]

I only wish the best for my exes. For sometime, when I was much younger, I hated my first partner because she sexually abused me. But, as I grew I realized how her actions were not that of someone that is evil. But, rather someone that was misled or acting in their own best intentions. I also accepted radical full responsibility to everything that happened to me and any negativity within the relationship myself. I allowed myself to be "abused". I could have, and did, have the awareness to understand what was happening and should have exited out of the situation sooner. Also, my own ignorance and lack of integrity in those moments is not something I should shame myself for, but rather use those lessons to better my present. I learned that if I disliked someone past or present it was my own personal issue and thoughts like that will only taint my soul, thus in turn potently having that unhealed trauma inside of me hurt others I love. It is very important we take our power back and that power will never be taken back if we point fingers at those we believe are against us or have hurt us. No matter what has happened, we are personally responsible for it or our lack of awareness was the issue. 

So, with that being said there are no ill feelings towards anything or anyone that happened in those times nor do I hold any negativity against my own actions. I only wish the best for everyone. For everyone, even the worst, deserves the best.

Edited September 8, 2021 by Nos7algiK

[Hulia]

19 hours ago, Terell Kirby said:

I don't buy that, surely you knew something.

I don´t, I really don´t. Only assumptions, but no way to validate them. No use of such assumptions. Sometimes I think, I shouldn´t have been that proud and just ask them. Hey guys, what is wrong? And of course I wouldn´t accept a shit like "wasn´t meant to be"

Well it were not classical relationships like promising each other eternal love and live together. But some of them still were pretty long. Damn long. Longer than the half of classical relatioships.

Edited September 9, 2021 by Hulia

[RickyFitts]

On 09/09/2021 at 0:24 AM, Nos7algiK said:

I only wish the best for my exes. For sometime, when I was much younger, I hated my first partner because she sexually abused me. But, as I grew I realized how her actions were not that of someone that is evil. But, rather someone that was misled or acting in their own best intentions. I also accepted radical full responsibility to everything that happened to me and any negativity within the relationship myself. I allowed myself to be "abused". I could have, and did, have the awareness to understand what was happening and should have exited out of the situation sooner. Also, my own ignorance and lack of integrity in those moments is not something I should shame myself for, but rather use those lessons to better my present. I learned that if I disliked someone past or present it was my own personal issue and thoughts like that will only taint my soul, thus in turn potently having that unhealed trauma inside of me hurt others I love. It is very important we take our power back and that power will never be taken back if we point fingers at those we believe are against us or have hurt us. No matter what has happened, we are personally responsible for it or our lack of awareness was the issue. 

So, with that being said there are no ill feelings towards anything or anyone that happened in those times nor do I hold any negativity against my own actions. I only wish the best for everyone. For everyone, even the worst, deserves the best.

And this, dear people, is wisdom  

[Leo Gura]

Because if you didn't, you'd probably still be sleep together.