Any attempt at improvement results in suicidal suffering

[EntheogenTruthSeeker]

So, I am connected with support systems and professional care, just saying. 
 

However, I like advice from this forum over anywhere else. Every day I feel like I’m drowning. Suffering so intense I know I would be better off dead, no questions asked. Feels like every solution: 

 

exercising, juicing, medical checks, discipline, habits, meditation, contemplation, psychedelics, pharmaceuticals, drugs, etc. it’s all failed miserably. I think so negative all the time and am constantly tired and have no ability to actualize or stabilize any good moments I have of inspiration or hope. The moment it’s gone I’m back in suicidal despair of just not wanting to go through this miserable human life with so many deluded people including myself. 
 

Waiting to find the solution seems impossible and this is why I’m going to start 7.5mg instant release adderall again, because my add/adhd/ocd/addiction/depression/anxiety/negative thinking/dwelling on truama, etc is so intense, I will not survive. I don’t brush my teeth, shower, I lay in bed 14 hours a day watching YouTube and TikTok. Wiping my ass is a complete struggle, like wtf is wrong with me? They said my thyroid nodules are fucked, but come on. 
 

no matter what fucking crazy awakenings I’ve had that 99% people haven’t, they have no use in my actual happiness or practical life, due to my constant mental anguish and self hatred and suicide and nonstop thinking, so I feel like I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing since high school. Only time I was successful was taking a shit ton amphetamines to every concentrate. 
 

Sorry for asking for so much help all the time. But I feel like I may have serious heavy metal toxicity. 

[hamedsf]

you are taking actions on spiritual aspect but not physical.

take bold actions. what you want from world? get out and ruthlessly chase it! 

[mandyjw]

Make a list when you're feeling alright of fun things you can do. Maybe there was an old comic strip or web comic you loved but had forgotten, a hilarious youtube video you haven't forgotten but haven't seen in years, music that you used to love but haven't listened to in forever, etc. Send something funny to a friend. Go for a walk in nature of a new trail, someplace you've never been. Cook a new recipe. Make a list of stuff like this. Then make it a point to do 1-4 things a day. 

Maybe, unless it feels like too much of a task, start a creative endeavor with no expectations of outcome, just for fun and exploration. 

So much of your endeavors are focused on healing something that's wrong. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that we want to feel better and taking steps to achieve this. There's everything right with taking responsibility for it. However if you perpetually seek fulfillment in the future, when we are healed, etc, we actually cut ourselves off from the life force that is already PREDOMINANTLY well being. 

Instead of thinking 99% of people haven't had these awakenings tap into the feeling of what they were like... what they are now, what "now" really is. The moments of awakening and inspiration were not past. They are here, now, more clear, and better than ever. There's never ever been a moment like this, and there never, ever will be another moment like this because there are no moments. You are free and clear! Never, ever, ever failing. Never falling short. Never falling behind. What a fucking miracle THIS is, THIS, this? How is THIS possible? YOU, it's all you. How you YOU ever improve on this? You couldn't. Ok you could. But only cause you're already just THAT fucking awesome. 

[Roy]

I am sorry for the place you're in mate. Consider that maybe the most radically spiritual thing you could do right now is forget all about spirituality completely, and work on the smallest goals like brushing your teeth, or getting dressed for the day.

Not just knowing in your mind intellectually that "yeah I can do this stuff easily." who cares what your mind thinks. Actually doing it and having it as your biggest priority, as you build up yourself and your momentum to fall back in love with life again.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but maybe your suffering and emotions could be sending signals to you that you are worth fighting for? Like red emergency lights and sirens are on, and you have to respond. Have you considered that possibility?

16 hours ago, EntheogenTruthSeeker said:

Waiting to find the solution

Good news. You don't have to wait for anything. You are the solution.

 

 

[knowyourroots]

hey man its all a struggle..im going through the exact same shit as you..but what i learned in life is..you gotta suck it up and work through all the adversity..i work 2 jobs and work about everyday i got big goals and im not gonna waste it any second playing a victim regardless of what im feeling..whatver breaks you MAKES YOU STRONGER KEEP fighting

[EntheogenTruthSeeker]

damn, thank you everyone for the replies  it really helped  I’m just gonna take small steps and start keto as a consistent way for energy and just doing basic self help for a LONG time. Actualized is the best  

1. @hamedsf @knowyourroots @Roy @mandyjw

[SLuxy]

I wrote another post a while back. I'll just copy and paste it here for you. Godspeed to you.

"Hey. I feel you.

Two months ago I'm in exactly the same boat. You know what to do but you can't seem to do it. I was in that place for years.

You've read all about meditation, dopamine detoxes, exercise, social media reduction etc.

The issue is you're looking for a massive change, a "slap" in the face. There is dogma around massive action in the self-help community, so its reasonable to expect that is where the solution to your problems are.

There seemed to be this never-ending cycle of trying and failing to implement new habits. However, this allowed me to stumble on to something that actually helped me...

Science. Taking things gradually is the way forward. You want to end up doing studying 6 hours a day? Start by doing an easy amount a day. Schedule it in.

I'm purposefully not being straight to the point because I'm aware of a dogma in self-help community that you need to have a revolution. You'll likely feel some resistance to actually taking such a simple approach.

Its not sexy. But its damn easy. Like super easy. But undoubtedly it will feel like resistance to do this, as it is different from your current approach. Keep in mind insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.

Here are the practical points:

1. Accept where you are at

2. Make it so your word means something

This means to have integrity with yourself. I'd advise getting yourself an A5 diary. Write down what you're going to do and make sure you will do it. However, make it easy. That's easy by your actual standards, not the standards of your ideal. So easy that you'll feel like your somehow cheating, i.e. you can't get yourself to shower normally, make your goal to touch your towel.

3. Watch and take notes on this video on motivation:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tGZA-F1_n0 (

NB: The speaker is a Harvard Psychiatrist.

Ironically this will take motivation to watch. Apply step 2 to it. I'd recommend you break it up into chunks of whatever feels easy.

Key takeaway from the video: Motivation to do an activity comes from likelihood of success of that activity.

4. Watch and take notes on this video on procrastination:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bavdneN9sKg

How I came across these ideas:

Something I came to on my own after years of trying to live my unlived productive life, by revolutionising myself.

Various sources

Behavioural Activation (CBT), see article for an explanation:

- https://positivepsychology.com/behavioural-activation-therapy-treating-depression/ 

Atomic Habits - James Clear

Instead of changing a behaviour, change your identity and do this by:

1) Asking yourself what are the qualities of someone who does what I want to do? i.e. studies 5 hours a day, they would need to be organised.

2) Prove that quality to yourself with small wins

An organised person keeps their word. Clear recommends that a two-minute rule can be used. This rule means whatever habits you want to implement you only do it for two minutes per day.

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - Covey

Covey argues that the self-help industry often goes about personal development in the wrong way. He explains that the industry tells us to go out and take a course on X, learn this way to be the most charismatic person in the room. However, this is the wrong approach. We must first start my changing our character and the first character change is to become proactive. The exercise for doing so is to start making commitments and sticking to them.

Final Thoughts

This is a guide. This helped me and while we are both human, we're also different. A big part of the change for me was accepting where I was at and this took a long time. You may be at that stage, you may not. Test it out for yourself.

I do hope this helps you. The practical steps may not ultimately help you (though I expect they will), but more important is challenging the notion that your change needs to be a revolutionary rather than a gradual one."

[Flowerfaeiry]

@EntheogenTruthSeeker very very small steps over time are key. I'm talking really fucking small. Like instead of 14 hours on tiktok you spend 13. Or you meditate for literally one minute. Or write just one word in your journal. Anything that feels doable to you. Take it really really easy and do not shame yourself. That doesn't help and actually makes things worse. Give yourself permission to go slow. You don't have to do it all at once. 

[Virgo]

A exercise that I do is contemplate. First thing first understand that your thoughts cannot kill you, and don't be afraid to think deeply. Said that, stay away from all state altering substance s because your in a fragile state now. Next what I usually do is create a thought associated with a pleasant feeling, it's something like this "So this is happening to me, it's so interesting" or for example "wow how I cried when they almost kill me, or how I got scared". So using your thought process to kinda create an acceptance of your issues if that makes sense. Then you should conult doctors too, your problem might even come for your diet or water you use. Wise or wounded your choice. No one will help, it's you. If your suffering it's so intense, why don't you stop it? It's because it has become like a compulsion. See your case as a project that you gonna work and develop and understand yourself over time. Also 1 thing you can do is become conscious of how 14tiktok it's so bad for you, to a point of hating it so much that that thing alone create more suffering than your current suffering. You might have social anxiety too. Exercise a little bit. Meditation in my opinion in your case will not help if you over do it. Do like 5 10m. Run and then immediately after run sit for 5m. Watch Leos video on how good things takes time to develop. Imagine after 2-3 years your situation is enhanced how many ppl you can help share. Share your joy. Try a fire bath. ? ?. Sing, dance. Don't be afraid to express yourself in ways that are not normal to you. Read. Hope. Faith. Jesus whatever is in your pic. Keep your prayer simple "Thank you very much for everything you do for me" that's it 1 sentence. Also be happy for others ppl happiness it's weird but helps. Peace.

[Tefikos]

@EntheogenTruthSeeker

 

Damn sounds like you're in pretty though point in life. I agree that it might be good to forget spirituality for a while, until you feel better. Just move slowly, be patient, kind and forgiving. "Sun will always shine after the darkest nights". No matter how far it looks like being, it will always rise again.

[Nahm]

On 9/7/2021 at 5:00 AM, EntheogenTruthSeeker said:

Any attempt at improvement results in suicidal suffering

There is an underlying belief you somehow adopted that you are not already good. That something is wrong or subpar with you and needs to be improved. Attempts to ‘fix’ this don’t work. Changing the belief works. Recognizing that it is a belief, that it feels off because it isn’t true about you, works. 

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So, I am connected with support systems and professional care, just saying. 
However, I like advice from this forum over anywhere else. Every day I feel like I’m drowning. Suffering so intense I know I would be better off dead, no questions asked. Feels like every solution: 

You’ve got to change the story you tell. If you tell the story that everyday I feel like I am drowning…. You miss that that story is what doesn’t feel good. In missing that, you miss that it is your perspective which feels bad - not something about you which needs to be improved, so that you could feel better. You are already the greatest feeling possible… which keeps being covered up by the perspectives which aren’t resonating with… you … the greatest feeling possible. 

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exercising, juicing, medical checks, discipline, habits, meditation, contemplation, psychedelics, pharmaceuticals, drugs, etc. it’s all failed miserably. I think so negative all the time and am constantly tired and have no ability to actualize or stabilize any good moments I have of inspiration or hope.

This is an example of one of those discordant perspectives. It’s based on that original belief, that something is wrong with you, or you aren’t good, or good enough, and need to be improved. From there, the perspective that ‘it’s all failed miserably’ arises and is believed. But it’s just one perspective, and it doesn’t feel good. You got to let go of perspectives that don’t feel good, rather than believing and repeating them. It could just the same be said that you progressed, as you explored much and it is helping you to realize going outside yourself is holding those discordant beliefs. Go inward to discover that in fact you are fucking awesome. Don’t try to add, to figure, out, to fix, etc… let go of perspectives that don’t feel good. The world, your experience, your life, will follow. 

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The moment it’s gone I’m back in suicidal despair of just not wanting to go through this miserable human life with so many deluded people including myself. 
 

When one is heavily judging themself, one projects this onto ‘other people’. When one let’s go of judging oneself, everyone else is revealed to be perfect as well, exactly how they are. You could scrutinize these discordant perspectives, and that can be difficult feeling wise, but that is good because it’s actually letting them go, rather than averting. When you think & say people are deluded, that is judgement, which doesn’t resonate. You’ve got to choose how you feel over what you think. If in fact that even is what you think. I don’t feel like it is. I feel like you learned it and believe it. It might seem like it’s easier to keep believing that, as if it puts you on a pedestal or higher than other people… but as I think you’re finding, it doesn’t pan out to work that way. 

Notice spiraling. One could have a bad moment, or a bad day… but sizing up a whole lifetime as miserable isn’t true or accurate, it’s just a discordant perspective. There is only actually this moment now. That is where the discordant perspective is. There isn’t actually a ‘whole life’ ever experienced, it might seem so, but that is actually just the repeating of the same perspectives. Gotta change perspectives, to those which feel good for you. 

Quote

Waiting to find the solution seems impossible and this is why I’m going to start 7.5mg instant release adderall again, because my add/adhd/ocd/addiction/depression/anxiety/negative thinking/dwelling on truama, etc is so intense, I will not survive. I don’t brush my teeth, shower, I lay in bed 14 hours a day watching YouTube and TikTok. Wiping my ass is a complete struggle, like wtf is wrong with me? They said my thyroid nodules are fucked, but come on. 

You are believing there is a huge problem… and then expecting a huge solution. There isn’t a huge problem. Every moment is a fresh new opportunity to change the way you’re thinking in alignment with feeling good. When how you feel right now is believed to be because of a past, notice, there is no past here… that perspective is what is here now. You do have the power to choose a better feeling perspective - but - you must let go of the expectation that a ‘huge solution’ is needed. You must change perspective only for, only because, it feels good, right now. This is essentially choosing to care about how you feel, to care about yourself. You have to genuinely choose that for yourself. You are most worthy and most deserving of knowing the happiness that you are. You must allow this… by being willing to let go of beliefs & perspectives that are not indicative of you, that don’t align with the truth of your inherent goodness & deservedness. 

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no matter what fucking crazy awakenings I’ve had that 99% people haven’t, they have no use in my actual happiness or practical life, due to my constant mental anguish and self hatred and suicide and nonstop thinking, so I feel like I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing since high school. Only time I was successful was taking a shit ton amphetamines to every concentrate. 
Sorry for asking for so much help all the time. But I feel like I may have serious heavy metal toxicity. 

As you let go of perspectives & beliefs that don’t feel good to you… you will find there is no lack of inspiration or focus. It is precisely because you are inherently inspiration, focus and goodness - that some perspectives don’t feel good. 

I feel for you, I’ve been there, and I am wishing you the absolute best. It can be most helpful to talk with someone who’s experienced challenges like this, and made it through so to speak. If you’d ever like to talk together, send me an email through the link & site below. No charge. Actually would just like to help. In any case, you can bring well being about, this is not only within your power, it is your inherent divine nature, and the greatest possible joy to discover. In a way I’m actually envious, a pinch jealous, that this discovery lies ahead of you, that you get to experience your greatness a new. I’m excited for you. 

Ended up typing a lot… to draw out a single point I feel would be most helpful and impactful… it’s feeling the relief of choosing a better feeling perspective. And then experiencing how momentum builds as you continue to do so. It will change everything. You can. You have that power. 

[roopepa]

On 7.9.2021 at 0:00 PM, EntheogenTruthSeeker said:

I don’t brush my teeth, shower, I lay in bed 14 hours a day watching YouTube and TikTok. Wiping my ass is a complete struggle, like wtf is wrong with me?

This is literally what my life is like too.

Yet, I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I'm fucking awesome. And I know you are too.

[Waken]

All lot of good stuff has probably been said already, so I'm just going to write this for a little extra good feeling boost, for in case you benefit from it.
I've experienced unpleasant periods too. Even to the point where anxieties and worries would result in panic attacks, which made it even worse lol.

Amongst other great things, I learned or discovered from Abraham Hicks a great way to use thought, and have really been making it my own. I just find good feeling/releaving thoughts in these moments. It may take a little practice before you really understand the ways in which you can use your thoughts so that you get/are really good at it, but good benefit from it may be found even in the first times of using it, you may always pm me for that, it's not that complicated. When something arises now, and frankly the more fearful/resistant the thoughts are that arise, the better opportunity it provides for me to find better and better thoughts. Really, it goes from fear to a good feeling and elevated state of consciousness, and I come out of it feeling all joyful, excited, peaceful, loving, elevated, whathaveyou. Nahm is probably a great guy to go to too, and he (I think) uses a similar approach as I've come to use. I know you can do this, with perhaps much more ease than you think is possible for you.

[flowboy]

On 07/09/2021 at 11:00 AM, EntheogenTruthSeeker said:

So, I am connected with support systems and professional care, just saying. 
 

However, I like advice from this forum over anywhere else. Every day I feel like I’m drowning. Suffering so intense I know I would be better off dead, no questions asked. Feels like every solution: 

 

exercising, juicing, medical checks, discipline, habits, meditation, contemplation, psychedelics, pharmaceuticals, drugs, etc. it’s all failed miserably. I think so negative all the time and am constantly tired and have no ability to actualize or stabilize any good moments I have of inspiration or hope. The moment it’s gone I’m back in suicidal despair of just not wanting to go through this miserable human life with so many deluded people including myself. 
 

Waiting to find the solution seems impossible and this is why I’m going to start 7.5mg instant release adderall again, because my add/adhd/ocd/addiction/depression/anxiety/negative thinking/dwelling on truama, etc is so intense, I will not survive. I don’t brush my teeth, shower, I lay in bed 14 hours a day watching YouTube and TikTok. Wiping my ass is a complete struggle, like wtf is wrong with me? They said my thyroid nodules are fucked, but come on. 
 

no matter what fucking crazy awakenings I’ve had that 99% people haven’t, they have no use in my actual happiness or practical life, due to my constant mental anguish and self hatred and suicide and nonstop thinking, so I feel like I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing since high school. Only time I was successful was taking a shit ton amphetamines to every concentrate. 
 

Sorry for asking for so much help all the time. But I feel like I may have serious heavy metal toxicity. 

Hey brother,

I can't give you the 1-2-3 step by step of how to get out of this, but what I do know is I've been a place quite similar to where you are.

Whichever attempt I made at improvement, I would just drop it and fall back further.

I felt like a failure who accomplished absolutely nothing. I wouldn't keep up any good habit. I needed these drugs to basically function, but then their side effects would make my mood even worse. I remember complaining in tears to my boss, that doing laundry at home was stressing me out so much, and that's why I was late so often.. He didn't know what to do with me, haha.

I'd be happy to speak to you and try and make sense of some things. Since I also work with ADD and have it, it could be useful. You can contact me in PM.

Oh and I've also spent years watching youtube and series all day, doing absolutely nothing and feeling shitty about it. Literally years.

That was the worst period of living with ADD (or whatever you want to call it) I've ever been through.

Being on high doses of amphetamines was like a breath of fresh air to me. I could finally be myself, without being constantly interrupted by self-deprecating thoughts.

It was not the long term solution I wanted, so I kept searching. This is how I found meditation, and through meditation I found actualized.org. What set me on the path to healing, I think, was creating a vision of what I wanted for myself. Having that document, and working on it every day, slowly but surely started to transform me. It gave me just enough motivation, to make some other improvements in my life. Like learning good organization habits. Just the basics. And from there, taking all the neurotic thinking and working with it. Examining where it comes from, and heal it one by one. Either by doing something external to improve my life, or by doing internal work. I basically disproved all my self-deprecating thoughts one by one, by taking action to improve my life. And after that, they were still there, so I looked inward and worked through the trauma that was generating them.

That's the order I would recommend going at it.

1. Vision
2. Basic getting-shit-together, organisational habits and creating structure and planning
3. Work through trauma

That's not to say I'm completely free from ups and downs today. Hell, I am writing this during a period of going back to smoking cigarettes Those periods never last long anymore, though. And I don't feel horrible about myself. I know what I'm capable of, I know I love myself and I know I'm almost at the end of this ego backlash.

The difference today, from where I started:

• I'm successful and see myself as such
• I love myself and feel loved by others no matter what, whether I mess up sometimes or not
• My identity is now in functioning well and being on purpose. So the rebound has switched direction: I used to sometimes do positive things, and then backslide to the terribleness that I identified with. Today, I identify with the positive way I can live, and even when I have some bad days, the rubber band of my identity swings me back to the functional state.

That's also a key reframe that you need in my opinion. When you are in your current state, instead of saying: "See, I always go back to this", work your way up to a healthy state, and then identify with that, saying: "See, there I am again. I'll always come back to this healthy way, apparently".

I think that was crucial to me, when I was in your shoes.

Edited September 11, 2021 by flowboy