I always fuck shit up - Love is Darkness

[Striving for more]

Went to the night time bar, good music and fun. 

Then I see the most beautiful girl ever, just fits my type in every way, she was a 10 ... she was my 10, regardless if she was anothers 8 or 7. 

Petite, feminine with piercing brown eyes, eyes of intelligence, eyes of humility, eyes of empathy, eyes of raw beauty. 

I approach her & ask her generic questions, but my sub communication is sexual. I immediately start touching her & she likes it & the convo felt great. 

Unfortunately my drugged up drunken self decided "hey I'm gonna talk to my friends for a minute" (Now I wonder if this mechanism is actually a sub-conscious form of self sabotage or insecurity?)
 

It's strange because I doubt I actually wanted to talk to my friends ... or maybe I just niavely felt as if she'd just wait around & I had time, I don't know. 

Then I ended up dancing with this other girl who was extremely boring looking & persona too, & in the background I saw the beautiful girl see it in disappointment. 

I eventually came back to her, at this point she said she was going home & it was about 3AM, I got her number but ultimately I ruined the moment. 

She was so fucking beautiful. I'm not even an incel anymore, I have some girls that are keen on me, but they're all not interesting at all & like 5-7/10 looks for me, ever since I met that girl my standards have gone through the roof. 

But ever since I met that girl the other night I just can't take my mind off her, dam I could have gone home with her, at least kissed her but I didn't. 

I know I've learnt my lesson now but that night will never come again, & it's tiring always going on heavy one, & it will get cold soon.

The momen'ts gone, I fucked up & I'm depressed. 

Beautiful feminine Girl from Iraq, I'm sorry I messed it up, I know you wanted me to seduce you & I didn't deliver, I fucked up. 

I fucking hate myself right now, I will only have self-respect once I win. 

I genuinely think it was love at first sight, & she had great energy too. I'm trying to concentrate on my work right now but I can't, I don't know how to move forward because I can't fucking let it go. I want her & only her. Only so many girls fit my type & she was everything.

So...