How to overcome bad emotions when seeing people your age getting married?

[Jacob Morres]

They're just followed societies predetermined path for them. It's not conscious or wise - it's conditioning lol 

You also don't know their background and stuff and what that quality of decision was. For all you know it was a very unoptimal decision 

Anyways, I found 'the work' by Byron Katie to be helpful. It helps questions the thoughts that arise and see the delusions of them

And then you can choose better ways of thinking once u breakdown old patterns 

Edited September 7, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[Nobody_Here]

11 hours ago, Emir said:

do not identify yourself with the emotion and the concepts that comes with it. just watch the emotion and let it run through. you don't even have to call it "an emotion", or say "i'm feeling bad". just be with the feeling without labeling anything within you and around you.

Good advice.

[Stovo]

59 minutes ago, Nobody_Here said:

That was great. It gives me an interesting perspective because my parents have been married a very long time and still going strong. I come from a family whose marriages tend to last.

That said, I have never married because I have found it difficult to find other people with that same mentality -- a partnership that lasts.

The best thing about never being married is that I have never been divorced, either.

Great to hear your parents are still happy together. 

The best way to approach it is to ensure you are happy within yourself first, then look to your partner as an addition to your happiness but not essential to it. 

44 minutes ago, Byun Sean said:

A relationship can definitely support one's growth in consciousness. But it can also be used as a distraction to avoid doing the work. It's all 

situation dependent since everyone's different.

Broadly agree. It's about finding the right partner. 

 

[Stovo]

2 minutes ago, Nobody_Here said:

Is there a way to have a conscious marriage (or other relationship) that supports personal and spiritual growth?

I would consider buying a course about conscious relationships.

@Nobody_Here Yes, although much of the work itself is a solo endeavour. A good partner can only encourage you to do the work, or point you in the right direction. 

It wouldn't be wise to explicitly seek a partner for this purpose, as that is selfishness. 

[Emerald]

On 9/5/2021 at 4:03 PM, somegirl said:

So girl number 3 that I know of, who is my age (early 20's) got engaged today. I thought that is too early but apparently everyone who gets into relationship gets engaged and married, one even has a kid (got it when she was 21). And each one of these relationships lasted 1 year before they got engaged.

Do you think it's wise thing to do? What's your opinion on early marriages? And how to overcome a feelings of inferiority and feelings like you're "behind them" in that aspect of life?

Do you want to be a wife and mother right now? Or do you just feel behind the curve?

If it’s the latter, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. You will find much more compatible men who will probably be better fathers if you let your intuition and natural desire motivate you towards relationship.

Also, if you’re in your early 20s, you still have over a decade left to go before your fertility starts to really decline. So, you don’t have to rush the marriage and baby thing right this second.

Now, I got together with my husband at age 20, became a mom at 22, and got married at 24.

But my husband and I have been separated for a couple years, though we still live together and co-parent our kids. And we split up in part because he and I are not really on the same page anymore.

I really didn’t know what I needed to feel good in a relationship back then. And I have changed a lot on the past 12 years… and him less so because he’s over a decade older than me.

I suspect that if I were a bit older when I chose my partner, I’d have a clearer sense of what I want and need in a relationship.

Having said that, I’m glad that I became a mom at a young age. I will empty nest at 43. And when I’m 60, my daughter will be 38 and my son will be 35. So, I’ll likely get to be around for a longer while in their lives. That’s also something to take into consideration

But overall you’d be wise to follow your natural desires and find out if you really want wifehood and motherhood or if you’re only feeling compelled toward that out of a sense of social pressure.

[mandyjw]

Jealousy and feeling off track isn't going to go away if you change your circumstances. If you get married and you still have habitual thought patterns that are always looking for the next thing, the next step and the something else, then you feel tied down. Or you go for the house, or the baby, or the better spouse. If you have a baby you get jealous of the peers who don't have kids and have their freedom and actually get to sleep at night. Recognizing the thought patterns and owning your own desires can go a long way to turning jealousy into inspiration and curiosity. We are all free to create, cultivate and live our own unique dreams and visions. The fulfillment of a dream is not where the joy lies, it's in the creating and the becoming of it just as much. It's fun to step inside someone else's life to see the choices they made, and how right they are for them, even if it's not what you want, it can still be inspiring or clarifying to what you DO want.

There are no right or wrong answers for anyone. That's the beauty in life. If we try to live by what is right we must always act out of what our mind says is good and right rather than out of inspiration. And first we have to fight with ourselves to even figure out what good and right is. And we'll never get there, because there is no definitive right answer that ever feels as amazing as living as open, free, inspiration. It can never compare with knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt on a visceral feeling level what we really want. Nor does it compare with being able to drop the question and be ok with NOT knowing, and with finding inspiration elsewhere on other subjects until it DOES occur to us. This is what no one tells you, you can always go straight to inspiration and relaxation. It's not that you want the security from having achieved what you think you must achieve in life. Those things are not prerequisites to feeling that way. You can feel fulfilled now. You do not have to make anyone out as wrong for their choices and you do not have to feel less than for not having the same opportunities or having made the same choices. You can tap into that security and inspiration at any time. 

Then we can really ask, from a place of open, pure, inspired, needing nothing, but simply for the pleasure of expressing from our already beautiful state of fulfillment... what do YOU really want? 

 

Edited September 7, 2021 by mandyjw

[somegirl]

@Emerald I don't know what I want. I didn't want to become mom and get married just yet, but I also don't know how to balance that with time-thing. I feel like, when you're sure you want to be a mom (and have someone amazing by your side), you would want to have them as soon as possible so you can be with your kids longer. But when you haven't met anyone amazing yet, then I just don't have a choice but to wait. But also, I feel like I need to heal some stuff mentally. To heal myself from certain unconscious beliefs. 

And I've watched and heard enough marriage/relationships horror stories not to jump into marriage so easily. I feel like these girls jumped into this marriage thing so easily. I believe they are in love, but what do you know as a 20/21/22 year old? You know nothing. In most cases you like a guy because you're in honeymoon phase. But once that honeymoon phase fades away, you're left with raw truth. And then, if you decide that you don't like that truth, it's too late because now you have a child with him. And when you divorce, that child won't have a dad (and as we all know, it is better for a child to have both parents by their side as they're growing up, statistically speaking). And no girl wants to be a single mom. It's rather sad to see how many single moms are there. 

[somegirl]

21 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Then we can really ask, from a place of open, pure, inspired, needing nothing, but simply for the pleasure of expressing from our already beautiful state of fulfillment... what do YOU really want? 

Still haven't reached that state. I am still influenced by my environment and what is expected of me. I feel, as a girl, I am under pressure to be a mom. And I don't know if that's authentically what I really want. I find it pretty frustrating to be honest. 

I don't know what I truly want. I am too influenced by what's happening around me. It's as if environment is dictating the way I should be and things I should do, because I am a certain gender.

[hoodrow trillson]

Hell, I'd argue that people don't truly know themselves until their 40s.  

50 year olds look at 30 year olds and laugh at how they're basically children.  It's all about perspective.

Only do the things that make you happy.  If that means waiting on the whole marriage smoke & mirrors then so be it.  Or at the same time if you feel that will make you happy then pursue marriage and becoming a mother.  That's the awesome part of life is you have choices!  Even if it sometimes feels like you don't.  

 

[Alysssa]

I think that marriage is a mistake at any age,

I don't think marriage is natural for humans. I recommend you to read about it's history, very interesting.

Hunter gatherers used to live in tribe where there weren't such a thing as marriage or possessing something or someone,

Not possessing someone is a beautiful idea from my spiral dynamics stage green perspective. It's more romantic for me than any modern marriage.

When I see people at my age getting married I judged them for being sheep who don't question the marriage institute and go blindly towards the promise of marriage=happiness

When in fact it's not true, it's a lie. If you are miserable and you have problems marriage wouldn't fix you.

Other times I just feel pity for those young people who get married because they don't know better. I could be at their place. It's a privilege that I live at time when woman don't have to get married. Privilege that my grandmothers and great- grandmother and great-great-great grandmothers hadn't.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 8, 2021 by Alysssa

[mandyjw]

 I got married just before my 21st birthday but we had dated since age 17 and good friends since age 14. My parents have been married 41 years and knew each other six months before they got married. My husband's parents have a similar story to us. I think your expectations get set by what you observe. However, it's important to focus on what YOU want so be mindful of what you're observing. There are examples of success and examples of failure in everything. Failure isn't really failure, just a refining of what we want. 

[Arcangelo]

On 9/6/2021 at 4:08 AM, Leo Gura said:

Rest assured that those marriages will soon turn boring, sour, and dysfunctional.

You aren't missing much. Those people aren't happy. They're mostly living an illusion.

Thank you Leo

[zazen]

Men and women have paternal and maternal instincts, this doesn't always need to be expressed to your own biological children but can be channelled towards other spheres. You can be motherly to your community, in your work, in your day to day living. 

In our generation there may be less fathers and mothers but that doesn't have to stop us from being fatherly or motherly. 

Edited September 13, 2021 by zazen

[Nahm]

On 9/5/2021 at 4:03 PM, somegirl said:

Do you think it's wise thing to do?

It’s preference, opinion, not wisdom. Been with my wife since 21. Wouldn’t change a single thing. Greatest, happiest, most fulfilling relationship, family and life. More so than I ever could have possibly imagined. 

These things you’re addressing with your threads, very key and very impressive that you’re looking into this. Without changing themselves (beliefs & perspectives) people seem to miss their connotation of relationships, marriage, family, etc, will play out just like their childhood experience… and without changing, either they avoid it via dismissal their entire life, or they proceed and experience their own self full-filling prophecy. At age 46 now, I can tell you that 100% of my friends & peers which did not have a family (specifically kids) regret it. And of all which did, they very much do not regret it. Not to imply you should, or need to. Just sharing some actual local demographics (round 100 people or so). Again, good for you girl. 

Quote

What's your opinion on early marriages?

No rush imo, and ‘earlier’ is relative, also just opinion. Getting yourself situated in all ways solo first is probably most ideal. 

Quote

And how to overcome a feelings of inferiority and feelings like you're "behind them" in that aspect of life?

You’re unknowingly internalizing / making it about you. When people do whatever, it’s not about you.  So it’s not inferiority. It’s jealousy. Jealousy is a great gift for a creator, as it reveals things you want that you maybe weren’t aware you wanted, and or makes you more aware and more inspired. 

[somegirl]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

Been with my wife since 21. Wouldn’t change a single thing. Greatest, happiest, most fulfilling relationship, family and life. More so than I ever could have possibly imagined. 

That's so awesome... You got it all figured out so young. How did you manage to find someone not toxic at such a young age? I would imagine younger person carry so many problems from childhood and they are too immature to become conscious of it and work on it and plus most young people don't know what they are doing. Do you think it was luck for you? Or you think you manifested your desired spouse

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

Without changing themselves (beliefs & perspectives) people seem to miss their connotation of relationships, marriage, family, etc, will play out just like their childhood experience… and without changing, either they avoid it via dismissal their entire life, or they proceed and experience their own self full-filling prophecy.

How can beliefs be changed, to prevent it from repeating in future relationships? Can LOA help with it? Dreamboard? (btw I made Holon dreamboard a while ago).

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

At age 46 now, I can tell you that 100% of my friends & peers which did not have a family (specifically kids) regret it. And of all which did, they very much do not regret it. Not to imply you should, or need to. Just sharing some actual local demographics (round 100 people or so). Again, good for you girl. 

That's interesting to know... Damn but I absolutely love my freedom. Can i still have freedom even with kids?

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

You’re unknowingly internalizing / making it about you. When people do whatever, it’s not about you.  So it’s not inferiority. It’s jealousy. Jealousy is a great gift for a creator, as it reveals things you want that you maybe weren’t aware you wanted, and or makes you more aware and more inspired. 

Maybe, probably... Most likely. I don't know whether I want to be a mom or not yet. Seems chaotic to me. But I'm judging it from my experience. Maybe it can be beautiful, non toxic thing.
 

Edited September 13, 2021 by somegirl

[PepperBlossoms]

If you are with someone you enjoy, you don't need marriage as you are already fulfilled.

If you are with someone you don't enjoy, you don't need marriage either.

So being not married can be a win-win!

If you want to marry the person you enjoy, sure meh, it won't change much - but yet it will - it will solidify these imaginary walls you've formed around each other and while the walls before the marriage were enough to give you some wiggle room, the walls with the marriage are now potentially more constraining and claustrophobic... but technically... the walls should stay the same and not get more constraining... I guess it all depends on how you can cope with and relate to the added reinforcement that the walls create.

But yet the reinforcement isn't all that great as marriage can still end just like a non-married relationship can end.

If the bond is strong, it doesn't need a "marriage" to keep it together - it will last without that.

The social norms that we have created are quite hard to escape/ reprogram!!!

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

That's so awesome... You got it all figured out so young. How did you manage to find someone not toxic at such a young age? I would imagine younger person carry so many problems from childhood and they are too immature to become conscious of it and work on it and plus most young people don't know what they are doing. Do you think it was luck for you? Or you think you manifested your desired spouse

Thanks, appreciate it, but… I didn’t have anything figured out, and I never adopted the lenses of toxic or luck. 

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

How can beliefs be changed, to prevent it from repeating in future relationships? Can LOA help with it? Dreamboard? (btw I made Holon dreamboard a while ago).

Yes, loa, dreamboard - vibration. ‘Beneath’ a direct belief of the outward (perspective one is aware of), is an indirect implication belief of the inward (emotion one is aware of). For example my dad had his issues, anger, blame etc, but I didn’t choose to see him as an abuser because the indirect implication is I’m a victim. If I had, and I realized that, I’d have changed the belief via the realization, and what I attract would change in kind - in parallel - simultaneously. It’s always how one see’s oneself so to speak. The relationship if you will between you and source. ? Perception & thought are obviously convincing, but it’s never actually about either.

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

That's interesting to know... Damn but I absolutely love my freedom. Can i still have freedom even with kids?

It’s up to you and how you think about freedom. As an extreme polar opposite example, some people mentally hold that they are not so free because they didn’t have kids or a family. Again, that’s between you & source, not you and someone else’s opinion. 

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

Maybe, probably... Most likely. I don't know whether I want to be a mom or not yet. Seems chaotic to me. But I'm judging it from my experience. Maybe it can be beautiful, non toxic thing.

It’s most beautiful in my experience. Easily above all else. But again, you gotta be true to you and where you’re at in life & on your path. Sounds like you are getting clearer by the minute imo. When you put the toxic lens down, like magic there are no toxic “others” anymore, never were actually. This does however bring shadow work to the surface to be let go of, but, that’s ideal ime. Consider, somewhere there’s someone to whom you are toxic. Wild, no?  It’s really just unchecked judgement. 

[Arcangelo]

On 9/8/2021 at 2:43 PM, Alysssa said:

I think that marriage is a mistake at any age,

I

agree

100%

[flowboy]

On 13/09/2021 at 11:07 PM, Nahm said:

It’s up to you and how you think about freedom. As an extreme polar opposite example, some people mentally hold that they are not so free because they didn’t have kids or a family. Again, that’s between you & source, not you and someone else’s opinion. 

How can the absence of kids or family be experienced as not free? Could you elaborate on how they view that?

I don't see how having a family would make someone more free to do anything.