Possibility of my mental disorder

[Atb210201]

@Breakingthewall How can I go beyond mind is it by not wanting to go beyond it and just be or should I do meditation and embrace the silence more

[Nahm]

4 minutes ago, Atb210201 said:

@Nahm Yeah maybe that's the case the truth is I'm so doubtful of every thought that I have even my own skeptics I doubt I doubt every concept that my mind creates and this scares me I guess

Have a look at this meditations page. While it’s suggestive of a path format or way to go about spirituality, it’s just one of many. It might be helpful though having a look at the basics first, and then seeing how grounding and body awareness follow. 

Meditation is specifically useful for liberating from identifying with thoughts, even when & especially when one isn’t currently recognizing they are doing so. The emotional scale can be very useful for this, as in that light doubt is recognized as an emotion you experience, rather than something which is about you. (It’s about the thoughts, not you). Doubt isn’t ‘bad’, it’s not pleasant, but it’s natural. That it doesn’t feel good, let’s you know something about yourself. It also stands to help you realize the comfort, certainty, or absolute you’re looking for in thoughts, is actually found in grounding in feeling. Meditation helps one get a little space between the awareness of the thoughts, and the thoughts. This must be experienced though, thinking about it won’t do. Consider the difference between thinking about eating a strawberry, and the taste and actual experience of eating a strawberry. 

This also must be experienced, the explanation is just a suggestion, a pointer to you experiencing it… while it seems like that scary feeling is going to be fixed or resolved by ‘getting more’ existential context & concepts, what’s inevitably found is that was aversion, or avoidance, of feeling. This is ultimately & innocently caused by conditioning, or, beliefs we created about ourselves from what we experienced, from identifying via experience. So it’s really about ‘what can I let go of’, and not ‘what do I need to understand such that I feel better’. When said beliefs of identity arise, they come up & out. When this occurs, the mind tends to weave & believe stories about feeling, and expressing, or, being on board with this ‘up & out’ is most effective. Just a suggestion, but writing in a expression journal for just a few minutes each day can be very impactful, relieving, relaxing, and liberating. 

20 minutes ago, Atb210201 said:

@Nahm I saw the video of Leo about what is god last night and the things he said about absolute infinity that made me open my mind to every possible possibility and that threatened my survival

No one can tell you anything about God. You have to let it all go, all that conditioning, which has some tough points but is overall great feeling. So to speak, in this way, you arrive at the source of that feeling. You might consider those (considering / believing or not what anyone says vs letting go and discovering for yourself) are opposites, and perhaps this is what feels off or threatening to you. There are many great teachers, and there is some truth in the notion that one might be more suited & beneficial for you a bit later down your path. 

20 minutes ago, Atb210201 said:

@Nahm What is the difference between thoughts and perceptions -

isn't perceiving something thinking about it and coming into conclusions about what you thought about which is a thought itself

Don’t believe or refute this… but rather please receive it as a suggestion, an invitation to check to see if it is accurate in your own direct experience…

Each of us share a commonality in experiencing, specifically, in regard to what we are directly aware of, or, what is not conceptual…

Awareness is directly aware of: Thought, perception, and sensation. 

By thought, I mean concepts, ideas, imaginings, visions, memories, etc, etc. 

By perception, I mean seeing, hearing, tasting, etc. 

By sensation, I mean the ‘raw’ presence of sensation, or simply ‘that there is the presence of sensation’. 

Give that some time, some inspection, if the notion or suggestion of doing so feels good to you. 

Then inspect, verify satisfactorily for yourself in your own experience… that none of those three (thought, perception, sensation) mix, or can be mixed. By that I mean, there is the experience of seeing visually speaking. In regard to seeing, bring to mind the thought label ‘giraffe’… and though it seems silly, label the experience of seeing, not as ‘seeing’, but as ‘giraffe’. Then notice the experience of seeing remain absolutely unaffected by thought. You could think seeing is anything, but the direct experience of seeing does not change. 

Same for sensation. Check now, is there the presence of sensation in the bottoms of your feet? Relax, and wait for an inner check which happens, and then there will be the recognition that indeed, yes, there is the presence of sensation in the bottoms of the feet. Then, do the same thing with this sensation, not the thought ‘sensation’, but that feeling which the word points to. Rename that presence of sensation ‘clouds’, ‘dinosaurs’, ‘boat’ . Notice, the presence remains exactly the same, no matter what you think about it, as in no matter what you label it. 

32 minutes ago, Atb210201 said:

@Nahm What is the difference between thoughts and perceptions isn't perceiving something thinking about it and coming into conclusions about what you thought about which is a thought itself

Having said all that… now consider that perhaps when you are saying ‘perceiving’ there… you are meaning ‘interpreting’. 

[Breakingthewall]

39 minutes ago, Atb210201 said:

@Breakingthewall So you are saying that my desire to understanding may be the product of my ego and It would be better to let go of that ? cause I've heard other people saying that to me to but after all what are we but egos trying to understand if we weren't these egos we would be nothing and the godhead which doesn't need understanding

I was where you are a short time ago. the problem is that trying to understand leads to nothing, just anxiety. You have to take a step back and have a global vision, which includes that you that you are trying to understand, and see what it is. Realize that the concept doesn't mean nothing. to get out of that labyrinth you have to realize the infinite, which is you. infinity cannot be thought because it has no opposite, and to think is to oppose some things to others. This is like a mystical experience and usually happens with psychedelic. When you have been the infinite you will see what it is to think and you will give it the place it deserves. thinking you are not going to untangle the knot, there is another knot later. is rising above the labyrinth and seeing it. For me the way was meditation every day, at least 2 hours, with the intention of escaping from the mind, for silence to come (I don't know if this is adequate, but that was my intention, and it still is), loving silence more and more. also, 5meo dmt many times, with the same intention. Until the barrier of the concept and the panic to the void have faded. 

[Atb210201]

@Nahm Thanks these you posted I feel like is going to help for sure thank you

[Windappreciator]

Do you listen to ATB?

[Atb210201]

@Breakingthewall Thank you

[Nahm]

@Atb210201

Appreciate the kindness, thank you. Be sure to remember, it’s not about what I’m saying. Don’t take my word for anything. I’m just like a road sign, saying ‘well, you could go this way about it’.  You gotta try it all out and see how you feel & what you find. This road sign is nonetheless wishing you the absolute best of this place, this peace, this love & living. 

[Windappreciator]

@Nahm What is an idea to you then?

[Atb210201]

@Windappreciator I have listened to him before yes but I don't remember much I know he's a DJ

[Atb210201]

@Nahm Thanks again for the reminder

[Windappreciator]

@Atb210201 He has sime pretty good songs scattered throughout his 

[Atb210201]

@Windappreciator Sure

[Nahm]

6 hours ago, Windappreciator said:

@Nahm What is an idea to you then?

Yes. ‘What’ is an idea.