Possibility of my mental disorder

[Atb210201]

So whatever I think of or imagine in my mind is possible and not only that it is real maybe in some parallel universe or it can be real in this universe and by whatever it literally means whatever so if I imagined once that after realizing all of this I killed myself then it happened or if I imagined god is part of a simulation it could be in some universe a simulation that creates the illusion of god being the simulator I mean this is what infinity means every thought is possible and that's honestly terrifying and scary because you can feel literally out of control of your actions but at the same time you are and always were the only one in control of not only your actions but everything this feels like I'm loosing my mind like Leo said some days I get depressed and suicidal by these thoughts and the next day I will feel more powerful and in control of my life than ever how can I be grounded in my thoughts and not go crazy I don't even know if I need help or not I may but at the same time I may not it's all my own thoughts and nobody outside of me could help me I'm the one responsible for creating them honestly every possibility being actually possible is so terrifying and scary for me and surely it could be for someone else too but it scares me so much that makes me think my psychology maybe is not mature enough that's the reason for it but then again I don't know if it is then how can I fix it to not be this scary at times if somebody knows about my situation I would be glad to have their perspective and opinion on this

[Atb210201]

Absolute infinity also means literally every thought that we think of is actual and real because they are possible and every possibility includes the possibility of every possibility BEING and HAPPENING this is scary after all what waits for us tomorrow could be a thought of some other version of us in a parallel universe

[Breakingthewall]

all those thoughts you have mean absolutely nothing. they are the conditioned mind creating concepts opposed to other concepts that in turn are opposed to other concepts ... that mean nothing. a survival tool that you are misusing. the truth is silence. what is not silence is not the truth. forget all those ideas, it does not matter one that the opposite. they all translate to: blah blah blah.

[Atb210201]

@Breakingthewall Yeah sure I love what you said but if god is absolute infinity and every possibility doesn't that mean all these thoughts are possible to happen ?

[Nahm]

@Atb210201

No. 

[Atb210201]

@Breakingthewall But what is this survival tool that I'm misusing how can I instead of misusing it use it the way to more spirituality and enlightenment

[Atb210201]

@Nahm Why not ? it's absolute infinity isn't it? Aren't these concepts that in turn are opposed to other concepts also what absolute infinity is ? Doesn't that mean they are possible to be and happen

[Atb210201]

I mean they are happening in my mind so yeah they exist

[Breakingthewall]

28 minutes ago, Atb210201 said:

@Breakingthewall But what is this survival tool that I'm misusing how can I instead of misusing it use it the way to more spirituality and enlightenment

silencing it. learning to be silent and to listen to silence. understanding that whatever the mind formulates means nothing, it's a survival tool. Is useful to survive in the relative world, that also is meaningless . I know that it is impossible to do this at will, but at least believe that it may be so. it is logical right? the mind is limited. It cannot understand the unlimited, it is impossible. but of course, If you have not realized the limitless, it is only a concept. This is what psychedelics are for. also meditation, but only this is enough for few

Edited September 5, 2021 by Breakingthewall

[Atb210201]

@Breakingthewall Yeah I get what you are saying and actually I did silence it once I took 3 grams of mushrooms and I experienced god i guess but when I realized that all of this world is imaginary and my own imagination I freaked out and went to a bad trip after that so now I know if I didn't think about it and judge it and just accepted it and embraced more silence I wouldn't go into a bad trip and continue to become more aware of god so I try to do that next time but still am afraid of freaking out somehow but it is what it is

[Nahm]

@Atb210201

Yes all arising concepts are absolute infinity. Also the concept of a leprechaun riding a unicorn could arise in thought, but not ‘in’ perception. 

[Windappreciator]

@Nahm So what is perception and thought to you. Unicorns seem more like imagination which is a form perception than thought to me.

Edited September 5, 2021 by Windappreciator

[Breakingthewall]

A@Atb210201 Normal, the first time you see that your whole mental world that you are so attached to is nothing, it is quite horrible. Being able to accept it is a more or less long process, it depends on who. You see that everything is empty, then you forget it and you get hooked on the thought again, so many times. I would say that having thought loops like the one you have, about reality, trying to grasp something, understand, is a symptom that you are going to go beyond the mental at some point, since you are on not firm ground. It's Impossible to be in that intermedium point for long i think

[Nahm]

@Windappreciator

‘What’ is a thought. ‘What is perception’ is a thought. ‘Perception’, is a thought, a label, which points and does not actually define. In the experience of thought attachment, it seems like thought does or could define perception, such as the believing in / of the thought ‘form’, which then seems to define perception as a thing or separate things. Beliefs can experientially have a sort of trickle down effect, where another one justifies (seems to) a previous one. 

[Nahm]

@Atb210201

I wonder if this is helpful…. 

The view, or way you’re framing experience up seems to point to a belief in two sources, as if there were a source of creating good, and a source of creating bad… such that there is then concern that “if I think about this or that terrible thing, it’ll manifest”. 

[Atb210201]

@Breakingthewall So you are saying that my desire to understanding may be the product of my ego and It would be better to let go of that ? cause I've heard other people saying that to me to but after all what are we but egos trying to understand if we weren't these egos we would be nothing and the godhead which doesn't need understanding

[Atb210201]

@Nahm Yeah maybe that's the case the truth is I'm so doubtful of every thought that I have even my own skeptics I doubt I doubt every concept that my mind creates and this scares me I guess

[Atb210201]

@Nahm I saw the video of Leo about what is god last night and the things he said about absolute infinity that made me open my mind to every possible possibility and that threatened my survival

[Atb210201]

@Nahm What is the difference between thoughts and perceptions isn't perceiving something thinking about it and coming into conclusions about what you thought about which is a thought itself

[Atb210201]

@Nahm  I do stop focusing on them more than I focus on them but sometimes when I do that it makes me think that I'm escaping to face the truth but I do stop focusing on them anyway because some of these thoughts as I said makes me think of suicide which I don't like cause I've done one suicide before which was before I got into spirituality and even the thought of it scares me but I know deep down I wouldn't do it because I don't see a reason for doing it but still some of these thoughts as I said freaks me out that it's possible to interpret some reason for doing it for me and I think that's what scares me the most when I think about absolute infinity and every possibility