Mom refuses to acknowledge that she hurts me (and gets mad at me on top of that).

[somegirl]

2 hours ago, Raze said:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqr98O8QT3M

Lol, he talks about the same exact situation I am in. 

[Mz Hyde]

'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents'

As I've already said.. This is an amazing book by Lindsay C. Gibson that teaches how to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-Involved parents. I would highly recommend it to everyone who's struggling with childhood trauma and neuroses of any kind. It has a very good theoretical foundation, a lot of examples and also exercises that can help you identify emotional immaturity in your parents, but also some toxic coping mechanisms that you adopted as a child.

Hope it'll help you..

[Vzdoh]

@somegirl just like Ekhart Tolle mentioned in the video, ur mind wants her understanding and change of behaviour of silent treatment. But in reality, why does it matter at all? 

U just accept this is how she reacts to any criticism or attempts to talk to her about how her behaviour makes u feel. 

Just accept that this is how and who she is. Let it go. Let all she says just pass by you because its not about you, it's about her and it most likely never change unless miraculously she wakes up one day a different enlightened person and decides to change this aspect of herself. 

And why she doesn't do better than her own parents? U seriously ask this question after u said u understood that was her conditioning as a child? 

She can't... she is not aware she is doing it. She can't help it. Its her default behaviour. U r questioning a person who developed a PTSD in childhood and learnt to behave in such a way to do better and consciously decide that now she needs to stop suffering from PTSD and change because u told her so? 

?????????????

Don't u see how unreasonable this expectation of yours is? 

Sick people can't become healthy and self cure when u told them what's wrong with them. It normally takes a doctor and a long process to get healthy and it won't happen from u telling her how she hurts u. 

So just make peace with it and move on and take care of yourself. I am sure thanks to this behaviour of your mom, u have got lots of issues to address. 

 

[somegirl]

@Mz Hyde Will look into that book, thanks.

[flume]

@somegirl Everything you shared about your mom sounds uncannily familiar. Actually had goosebumps reading the descriptions. We have/had a very similar situation. I'd be more than happy to chat. 

Yes I'm fresh off primal and I totally recommend it. But even if that's not an option for you right now, it can be very alleviating to talk to someone who knows what you're going through. Just send me a message if you feel like having a call and we can make it happen  Stay strong girl! And in the meantime: Your feelings about the situation are real and valid. Don't make up excuses for your mom. 

[Depersonilized]

@somegirl Part of becoming an adult is changing what you see the ideal as. As a child you see your parent(s) as the ideal to strive for, but once you become independent you start chasing the ideal itself rather than using the parent as a mediator. After a while you see your own short comings, and as a reflection, your parent's short comings which gives you the capacity to forgive and understand. Then suddenly nothing really hurts anymore because you see just how lost they are. Start sorting yourself out, and create/realize a life purpose for yourself. I second what Leo said as well - really plan on moving out. Do whatever it takes to a reasonable degree. 

[Nahm]

@somegirl

In the vibrational sense, what you’re experiencing is between you and your source. Another perspective is that it’s between you and your mom.  

[somegirl]

For now I'm still served a silent-treatment, but I act normal around her. I ask questions (just when needed, not too much) and she gives me short, unenthusiastic answers, as expected. There was even one instance where she asked me do I want ice-cream. That's all conversation we had. And it's been few days now, I lost track.

For now I'm just sad to see her unhappy. I don't want to hurt her feelings. What goes through my mind is that I want to approach her and offer her one opportunity to talk. But at the same time, she is the one who chose to give me the silent-treatment. I am open to talk anytime.

I don't want to be playing these petty games and I don't want her to think this kind of approach will work on me, that's why I'm holding myself back from approaching her, even though it's so hard. 

Wish she could just approach me to solve this fast and easy. Feels so uncomfortable. 

Edited September 8, 2021 by somegirl

[somegirl]

Additional thoughts: I feel like she's just emotionally immature, and not a narcissistic parent. I don't believe she knows that what she's doing is destructive. I just think she doesn't know how to deal with difficult emotions so she shuts down. She doesn't know how to express emotions. She's never learnt that from her household, I believe. And she doesn't like to be criticized because she probably already has a low sense of self-worth. Her self-esteem is already fragile enough. I just feel sorry for her. But not in a sarcastic way, but actually sorry.
She tried her best, with the tools she's been given. She's not a bad mom overall, she just didn't develop emotional maturity cause she was probably being invalidated herself as a child. 

[Vzdoh]

15 hours ago, somegirl said:

Additional thoughts: I feel like she's just emotionally immature, and not a narcissistic parent. I don't believe she knows that what she's doing is destructive. I just think she doesn't know how to deal with difficult emotions so she shuts down. She doesn't know how to express emotions. She's never learnt that from her household, I believe. And she doesn't like to be criticized because she probably already has a low sense of self-worth. Her self-esteem is already fragile enough. I just feel sorry for her. But not in a sarcastic way, but actually sorry.
She tried her best, with the tools she's been given. She's not a bad mom overall, she just didn't develop emotional maturity cause she was probably being invalidated herself as a child. 

You might be surprised, but a lot if parents have emotional maturity of a 5 year old. They r not narcissistic or anything. Its just plain old immaturity. Both my parents I think are at ages 8 and 6, respectively. Nothing we can do about it unfortunately. 

[Jacob Morres]

On 9/5/2021 at 0:33 PM, somegirl said:

Lol, he talks about the same exact situation I am in. 

I think eckhart can create some spiritual bypassing. Sometimes presence is not enough. Action needs to be made. 

Like the top comment in that video is "the problem exists only in your mind, accept her limitations"

Oh hell no. I will use mindfulness but I aint letting no toxic mom on my shit. Fuck that lmao 

Edited September 9, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[somegirl]

1 hour ago, Vzdoh said:

You might be surprised, but a lot if parents have emotional maturity of a 5 year old. They r not narcissistic or anything. Its just plain old immaturity. Both my parents I think are at ages 8 and 6, respectively. Nothing we can do about it unfortunately. 

I know, as I read more and more the book that one member recommended here, I'm starting to understand.
Have they ever used silent-treatment on you? If so, how have you dealt with it?

[Nahm]

You can’t stand what she says, yet take issue with ‘the silent treatment’ / her not talking. Only when it is inwardly admitted that you’re hurting yourself, everything changes. Know your power by noticing your conflicting perspectives & behaviors. Align them instead with what feels good to you, and include the ways you think about her in your aligning. The love within you is greater than all things, all people, all situations, all perspectives.  Perspectives are like movies. If you don’t like what you’re watching, you can change the channel. 

[somegirl]

@Nahm Lol, I didn't think of it as conflicting, but it might seem that way. I don't like what she's saying because she's invalidating my feelings, I wanted to have normal conversation with her, but I also don't like the silence becuase... Well who does? When you're being served a silence when you didn't do anything wrong, it is damaging to your self esteem and sense of self worth. She's been doing this since I was little, this isn't the first time. It's triggering me till this day because I subconsciously get reminded how terrified I was as a little girl to be abandoned by my own mother. I have suffered consequences from silent treatment including people pleasing and fear of enforcing my bounderies.

[Nahm]

@somegirl

You’ve got to notice that you are the one saying this is how it is. You have the power to put how you feel well above your perspectives and thoughts about her or anyone. That is your true power. Imo, you need some space, a break from this thinking, from these discordant perspectives. In the smokescreen of so much mental resistant activity, the truth that you are only feeling your own perspectives, thoughts & beliefs, is going unnoticed. 

It’s not new to you to hear the idea of empowering yourself, by nourishing your mind, body and emotions. Nor is it a new concept to become independent emotionally and financially. One can do this, and one does not need to employ the opposite, or, resent those who took care of them. These things can only be done & accomplished now, not in a past. 

From Byron Katie… when you look at her, see her with all your post it notes stuck all over her. All your labels, beliefs, projections, etc. Peel them all off. Then you will really see her for the first time, and you will love & appreciate her more than you could ever imagine. You will feel liberation, and you will feel more amazing than you ever felt. More than you even knew was possible. And then you will be saying to someone (probably your own daughter one day)… “it’s about putting feeling first”. In doing so you will not experience these battles in that relationship, and in doing so you will have literally changed the world. 

[somegirl]

@Husseinisdoingfine "If you have a toxic husband/wife, divorce", "If you have a toxic bf/gf break up" "If you have a toxic boss, change a job"...

Yeah, how it didn't cross my mind before?

If it was this simple, everyone would be doing it. I so dislike when people who might be financially independent suggest others to move. Like, thanks. I didn't know that was an option. It's not like finance is a problem for a teen/college student. Not at all. There is plenty of money for me to live on my own, but I'd just like to suffer a little more instead. Cause I like to suffer.

Though that advice to not be reactive might be more practical and can be incorporated if only I could NOT react every time something bothers me. It requires Budha-level of self control.

When I'm in an argument I'm sometimes overwhelmed by the (lack of) logic and delusion in their way of thinking that I simply can't believe someone can think like that. But I guess I need to learn how to be non-reactive. Somehow. 

 

Edited September 12, 2021 by somegirl

[Loving Radiance]

Something I read just now that reminded me of this thread:

Quote

“Nobody can say anything about you. Whatever people say is about themselves. But you become very shaky, because you are still clinging to a false center. That false center depends on others, so you are always looking to what people are saying about you. And you are always following other people, you are always trying to satisfy them. You are always trying to be respectable, you are always trying to decorate your ego. This is suicidal. Rather than being disturbed by what others say, you should start looking inside yourself...⁠

Whenever you are self-conscious you are simply showing that you are not conscious of the self at all. You don’t know who you are. If you had known, then there would have been no problem— then you are not seeking opinions. Then you are not worried what others say about you— it is irrelevant!⁠

When you are self-conscious you are in trouble. When you are self-conscious you are really showing symptoms that you don’t know who you are. Your very self-consciousness indicates that you have not come home yet.”⁠

― Osho⁠

 

[Albert Roiterstein]

You mother probably really loves you. I think it's hard for a mother not to love her own child. She just seems afraid and incompetent in certain areas.

You could set boundaries with her and speak to her more firmly (even though it may be scary at first), do it gently, but see how she reacts when you shock her, perhaps try to give her the fear of losing her child and seeing if that's a thing in her (but you could also do it playfully "like saying I don't talk with you anymore" and give a grim but go away and seriously not talk with her until she tries to understand what is going on), by kind of being distant and decisive about what you tolerate and what you don't, show her that you're grown up. 

*It may seem a bit aggressive to trigger any fears in her but when you think about it she is already operating out of fear when she is dismissing your emotions, so some other fear like this one might be more useful for the time being while you get to a better path with her (sometimes its better for it to suck in the meantime while the trajectory is generally better)

[Albert Roiterstein]

Quote

Maybe because dismissing my feelings and saying I overreact to everything will be bad for me in the long run in a sense that I won't trust my own judgements and feelings even when somebody is being truly toxic (in relationships for example).

I must acknowledge though this is a very intelligent mind you have there. Please never give up.

[somegirl]

33 minutes ago, Albert Roiterstein said:

You mother probably really loves you. I think it's hard for a mother not to love her own child. She just seems afraid and incompetent in certain areas.

I really hope so. This would give me some kind of comfort, if it is true that she indeed loves me. Because her withdrawing her love for me really makes me feel like she doesn't care.
 

34 minutes ago, Albert Roiterstein said:

perhaps try to give her the fear of losing her child and seeing if that's a thing in her

Well it is almost day 10 of us not talking. She seems to get on with her life just fine, ignoring me and not acknowleging my existence. Treating our neighbor's kids better than her own child. It just freaking hurts. If this is love, it is fucking twisted and I wonder how hate looks like if this is love.
 

36 minutes ago, Albert Roiterstein said:

I must acknowledge though this is a very intelligent mind you have there. Please never give up.

Thanks. I just became aware how f-ed I am because of her. Nothing else. I don't know how to deal with her and how not to let it affect my future relationships. Because I don't want my future bf to give me silent-treatment and invalidate me and whatnot...