At a boarding school, want advice

[samijiben]

Alright Ladies, here's my call for help

I am 16, at a boarding school, in Israel. I just arrived, I'm here for four months, and God is it good to be away from my parents! They are mean and emotionally unstable, but that's beside the point

I've already connected with many kids, the boys are cool here; some of them even into philosophy and God and such things. One of my teachers speaks about enlightenment, about Truth with a capital T, from a Jewish perspective. It's enlightening, to say the least. 

There are 18 boys and 40 girls in this program. A lot of the girls are very beautiful and I want advice on how to talk to them, connect with them, and more. I guess I'm just inexperienced. And also looking for advice for my unique situation. 

Any further advice regarding how to get the most from this experience would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

[flowboy]

@samijiben  Start with the most easy and direct path, and if you encounter obstacles, examine and overcome them as they present themselves.

1 hour ago, samijiben said:

A lot of the girls are very beautiful and I want advice on how to talk to them, connect with them, and more.

Okay, so my advice is to talk to them, connect with them, and more.

1 hour ago, samijiben said:

I guess I'm just inexperienced.

Okay, so let's go get some experience!

 

Think I'm an asshole yet?

That'd be fair.

But there is no point in giving you a general manual for anything, if you don't know what your specific blockage is.

Connecting to people is the most natural thing. Only when it is obstructed by something (such as anxieties, limiting beliefs, trauma, conditioning, shame, lack of emotional intelligence, lack of empathy, et cetera) is there anything to explain, learn, or solve.

Your question is like if water went on this forum, making a post about how to flow downstream.

Just... flow downstream.

Or try, and tell us what is obstructing you.

 

I say this as someone who had trouble connecting with people and talk to girls (and "more") for most of his life.

The insight I'm presenting here (that it's the most natural thing, that you already have once the obstructions are taken away), has come to me only recently. I'm 28 now. But maybe it will help you sooner.

[aurum]

12 hours ago, samijiben said:

There are 18 boys and 40 girls in this program. A lot of the girls are very beautiful and I want advice on how to talk to them, connect with them, and more. I guess I'm just inexperienced. And also looking for advice for my unique situation. 

 

You’re definitely in a unique situation.

My advice is slow everything down. Don’t try to do any weird cold approach, pua nonsense.

You’ve got way more girls than guys so that creates an interesting dynamic. Even if you don’t want to date most of them, you still have options.

At the same time, your total number of classmates is extremely tiny. So everyone is going to know everyone. It’s like a single tiny tribe, where reputation spreads fast. 

You’re also 16. So you just want to be building basic social skills at this point.

Really I don’t have much advice for you other than go be a 16 year old. Make friends. Be as social as you can. Attend whatever events or gatherings there are. Get a crush and then get your heartbroken. And get in a little bit of trouble.

[samijiben]

@flowboy @aurum Thank you both. Your advice means the world to me.

 

My specific problem is just this: lack of confidence. I do not feel "content" when I look in the mirror. Yet, somewhat mysteriously, my problem seems to be limited to my physical appearance.

You would think that such an issue would stem from a deeper, internal issue, right? I thought the same thing. In fact, I have been contemplating this "issue" of mine for a little bit now, and it seems without source, without cause, without reason to exist. Why do I not feel confident with how I look? I feel confident with who "I" am, my hobbies, passions, interests, thoughts, etc., yet when it comes to my appearance... well, I'll stop repeating myself.

[gettoefl]

4 hours ago, samijiben said:

@flowboy @aurum Thank you both. Your advice means the world to me.

 

My specific problem is just this: lack of confidence. I do not feel "content" when I look in the mirror. Yet, somewhat mysteriously, my problem seems to be limited to my physical appearance.

You would think that such an issue would stem from a deeper, internal issue, right? I thought the same thing. In fact, I have been contemplating this "issue" of mine for a little bit now, and it seems without source, without cause, without reason to exist. Why do I not feel confident with how I look? I feel confident with who "I" am, my hobbies, passions, interests, thoughts, etc., yet when it comes to my appearance... well, I'll stop repeating myself.

i would say looks are one thing appearance is another ... one is variable the other is fixable ... being comfortable fitting in is half the battle and after that you have an opportunity for your true self to shine through so it is not just surface stuff that is noticed ... top looks are not everything

[flowboy]

7 hours ago, samijiben said:

You would think that such an issue would stem from a deeper, internal issue, right? I thought the same thing. In fact, I have been contemplating this "issue" of mine for a little bit now, and it seems without source, without cause, without reason to exist. Why do I not feel confident with how I look? I feel confident with who "I" am, my hobbies, passions, interests, thoughts, etc., yet when it comes to my appearance... well, I'll stop repeating myself.

Lack of confidence fixates in different places. Basically, wherever it can stay without being "proven" away.

If your looks is a comfortable place to hide, that's where it will go.

You can hammer it out of there, by going to the gym, taking better care of yourself, getting positive feedback on your looks until it goes away.

But it's like whack-a-model. Like moving a bubble of air, between a sheet and a glass window.

If the lack of confidence is still serving a purpose, it will just go somewhere else.

Maybe the next thing is: you're just not well-read enough. Or: you're just not experienced enough. Your social skills are clunky. Your accent is wrong. You need to work on yourself more. You haven't done enough research. Whatever it is.

It's still a useful practice to improve your looks where you can, and seek experiences to contradict this belief. How many people will have to tell you you're attractive, until you believe it?

It's also a useful question to ask yourself: why don't you want to connect with people?

Your looks are just the easiest scapegoat. Can't use anything else. Hobbies are fine, can't use that. Passions are fine, can't use those. Interests are cool too. Damn it. Looks it is, then

But if you really wanted to connect to people and talk to these girls, you wouldn't let it stop you.

So why don't you want to?