Trauma

[Gianna]

Trauma gets passed down from generation to generation.
But it is never the same but always the opposite.
It's like the weaving of contrast throughout your family lineage. 
My mom's trauma is abandonment which is why mine is enmeshment.
Every reaction has an action that leads to another reaction.
Your trauma. 
It is all linked, like an infinite chain throughout our lives.
Until we all wake up. 

Edited September 4, 2021 by Gianna

[RickyFitts]

Completely agree.

1 hour ago, Gianna said:

My mom's trauma is abandonment which is why mine is enmeshment.

Would you mind expanding on this, if it isn't too personal? Do you mean that you end up feeling suffocated by others when they're being overbearing?

[Gianna]

@RickyFitts Yes definitely that. But I will elaborate on it in a post soon  

[RickyFitts]

@Gianna I look forward to it  

[RickyFitts]

22 hours ago, Gianna said:

Trauma gets passed down from generation to generation.
But it is never the same but always the opposite.
It's like the weaving of contrast throughout your family lineage. 
My mom's trauma is abandonment which is why mine is enmeshment.
Every reaction has an action that leads to another reaction.
Your trauma. 
It is all linked, like an infinite chain throughout our lives.
Until we all wake up. 

I think it took me a day for the profundity of what you're saying here to really sink in... I really have to start reading your posts more carefully, I'm just a bit slow I guess 

You have such a beautifully perceptive mind

[Gianna]

@RickyFitts Thank you  

[RickyFitts]

@Gianna You're very welcome, thanks as ever for sharing 

[Hulia]

THen it shouldn´t be a problem for you - your BF having sex with other women. And we thought, it´s a spiritual work. It isn´t. It´s a win-win. He can fuck around and you can have your space to breathe free. 

What I don´t understand, why to have a relationship at all?

For me there are 3 reasons for relationship:

1. Love (closenes, unity = enmeshment)

2. Children

3. Financial necessity (like you cannot afford a rent for one wage, but for two)

But if you don´t want enmeshment, children and live in a first world country you don´t need this stuff. Oh sorry I forgot another reason.

4. Sex

Everybody still needs sex. And without relationship it´s not easy to have it on a regular basis.

[Hulia]

But if you want to have sex without closeness, it´s very important that both know it and agree on it. Especially.. especially if you both had had emotional connection in the past. Otherwise... well life migt be a dream, but it´s not only your dream, don´t make a nightmare out of the dreams of non-lucid ones. Sorry for dumping your journal, from what I know, you are in balance with your BF, just thinking aloud.

[RickyFitts]

@Hulia Have you posted on the wrong thread? I don't know how what you said is relevant to the subject of the thread 

[Hulia]

16 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

@Hulia Have you posted on the wrong thread? I don't know how what you said is relevant to the subject of the thread 

Maybe... I am just thinking that somebody who is traumatized by enmeshment shouldn´t be in a relationship except of a pure sex-relationship. But is should be clear from the very beginning for both of them, that it is a relationship for satisfying of physical needs and both of them should be ok with it. 

[RickyFitts]

@Hulia Right, sorry, I understand what you mean now.

I don't know, I think it's just a case of respecting each other's boundaries. I think it's perfectly possible to have intimacy in relationships without creating an unhealthy dynamic, though it does require a high level of consciousness from both people.

Edited September 5, 2021 by RickyFitts

[Hulia]

15 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

@Hulia Right, sorry, I understand what you mean now.

I don't know, I think it's just a case of respecting each other's boundaries. I think it's perfectly possible to have intimacy in relationships without creating an unhealthy dynamic, though it does require a high level of consciousness from both people.

There was another thread of Gianna some time ago, where she wrote that she is in an open relationship. Her BF has dates and sex with other women, and is transparent about it. And she is ok with it. Probably this is the type of relationship which could work, if one of them is traumatized by enmeshment and the other one just wants to experiment without losing the basis but also not holding on it too much.

[Hulia]

@RickyFitts  But the worst thing you can imagine is a relationship between someone who is traumatized by enmeshment and someone who is traumatized by separation.

There should be a checkpoint for traumas before starting a realtionship, only compatible traumas should be allowed.

I guess, I spoiled Gianna´s thread completely. But what to do? I like the journal section more than any other on this forum. It´s less theoretical and more honest. For example this part with the "spiritual work". I already suspected that there should be a reason, why for someone it is acceptable (to live in an open relationship) and for someone not. And it has nothing to do with spirituality. Though I consider Gianna for a spiritual person, but it´s not that.

Edited September 5, 2021 by Hulia

[RickyFitts]

@Hulia Right, I didn't know about that.

I think we do all yearn for intimacy, deep down, even if we fear losing our autonomy. So maybe we're willing to make concessions so that we can have intimacy whilst still preserving our autonomy.

We're all wounded, we're all just trying to figure it out - I'm not going to judge anyone else for their choices, God knows I've got some pretty unhealthy patterns around intimacy myself.

[Gianna]

On 9/5/2021 at 1:04 AM, Hulia said:

Love (closenes, unity = enmeshment)

Enmeshment is NOT love.  Do not confuse these two.
Enmeshment is making someone a part of you. 
Love is taking someone as a part of you. 
HUGE difference. Light and day difference.  

On 9/5/2021 at 2:18 AM, Hulia said:

Sorry for dumping your journal, from what I know, you are in balance with your BF, just thinking aloud.

It is okay to think out loud and dump in my journal (even though I don't really understand what you are saying).

But I do not have a boyfriend.  

 

On 9/5/2021 at 4:42 AM, Hulia said:

There was another thread of Gianna some time ago, where she wrote that she is in an open relationship. Her BF has dates and sex with other women, and is transparent about it. And she is ok with it. Probably this is the type of relationship which could work, if one of them is traumatized by enmeshment and the other one just wants to experiment without losing the basis but also not holding on it too much.

What!!? You're definitely confusing me with someone else. haha. I haven't had a boyfriend since being a part of this forum. I'm not going to read the rest of your posts on this thread, you're clearly misunderstood. I'm sorry  

Edited September 8, 2021 by Gianna

[RickyFitts]

2 hours ago, Gianna said:

Enmeshment is making someone a part of you. 
Love is taking someone as a part of you. 

Interesting... I love that  

[Hulia]

16 hours ago, Gianna said:

What!!? You're definitely confusing me with someone else. haha. I haven't had a boyfriend since being a part of this forum. I'm not going to read the rest of your posts on this thread, you're clearly misunderstood. I'm sorry  

I am terribly sorry, I should have confused you with someone else. At first I confused you with Vzdoh, because she is also blond. But then I noticed, you are different. Vzdoh is the one who dates only rich guys. And Gianna is deep, wise and spiritual person. So I started to confuse you with another woman, who had a BF, but was SO spiritual, that she let him date other women during they still were in a relationship. But it was someone else. Now I am remembering, she wasn´t blond. 

The thing is, I often forget to read the name when I read a post. But I look at profile puctures.

16 hours ago, Gianna said:

Enmeshment is making someone a part of you. 
Love is taking someone as a part of you. 

I don´t understand  

Edited September 8, 2021 by Hulia

[RickyFitts]

@Hulia I think with enmeshment the other person is still regarded as separate and distinct from you, whereas with love it's recognised that you're one and the same, that your heart is their heart.

I think! Gianna can probably explain it better than I can  

[Hulia]

18 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

I think with enmeshment the other person is still regarded as separate and distinct from you,

Then what is the difference between enmeshment and non-enmeshment?