Feeling Overly Affectionate

[ndm678]

I recently got back together with my ex (girlfriend). We were together for 2.5 years, apart for 2 months. When we parted we hashed out the where we had gone wrong with one another.

One of my pointed out shortcomings was I was kinda emotionaly distant and chilly. It was like I didn't 'level up' from dating to relationship.

This time around I wanted to be warmer on the emotional side, and I have.... almost too much. I'm much more affectionate, and crave sex constantly. 

She's told me numerous times she really likes the uptick in those areas, and we seem to have a good little thing going.

But I feel wrong for desiring these so much, I feel like it's borderline clingy/needy.

We spend a few days together a week (we lived together for a short time before we parted). We, more or less, have radio silence when we aren't present with one another.

Maybe this urge will pass in time and level off. Is it bizarre to totally flip in that kind of dynamic? I don't want it to be too much and make things weird, but I also find I difficult to dampen it now.

Maybe this is more of a vent, but I'd be interested to know what y'all think about it.

 

[Gianna]

Hm, interesting! I don't think it's bad at all. Your hyper-awareness of the clingy/neediness will not allow you to become overly clingy and needy. In fact, it might cause resistance to it like what it is doing right now. It sounds like this resistance is really fear– not of becoming 'clingy' or 'needy'– but of becoming dependent. I would say to dig in to why you believe being dependent is wrong if this rings true for you. A lot of us in the personal development field view dependency as the enemy. But we often forget how dependent of a species we are in general. Giraffes can stand on their feet after 30 minutes of birth. We would die on the street after 30 minutes of birth if we were not attended to. We depend on each other. We depend on food, water, money, on plants and animals. It is okay to rely on each other for resources. We already do this. Let yourself go into the affection and passion without the fear of getting lost in it.  I don't think it's weird to switch up like this. I think it's growth, openness, and more growth. 

Edited September 4, 2021 by Gianna

[RickyFitts]

10 hours ago, ndm678 said:

But I feel wrong for desiring these so much, I feel like it's borderline clingy/needy.

I kinda feel like that's your only problem, really, that you judge yourself like that. I say if it feels good, do it (provided no-one's getting hurt, obviously - well, unless you're into BDSM I guess ) - and what feels nicer, as a straight guy, than intimacy with a lovely, sexy woman? I can't think of anything I'd rather do  

4 hours ago, Gianna said:

I don't think it's weird to switch up like this. I think it's growth, openness, and more growth. 

Couldn't agree more  

Edited September 4, 2021 by RickyFitts

[Nahm]

Real intimacy if you will, is indeed intoxicating. Practice, contemplate - play around with - you can get drunk anytime, anywhere, without anyone, without doing anything. Intimacy as a most unbelievable icing on that cake of youness. Let the mind fool you a bit on from where this ecstasy & bliss arise, but not too much. Lose yourself in it, yet know yourself as it. 

[flowboy]

10 hours ago, ndm678 said:

But I feel wrong for desiring these so much, I feel like it's borderline clingy/needy.

@ndm678 If it's from a place of not feeling okay without her, you'd be right to worry about this. Perhaps you are less grounded in purpose or having your life and support system together in other ways.

Otherwise, it's fine, and it's time to re-examine these beliefs about affection.

 

• Did you get hurt by girls in the past, because you were too affectionate?
• But... maybe when you did those behaviors then, it was coming from a different place, than it is now?

 

Just projecting examples here. I encourage you to find out what you actually believe about affection, and where it comes from.

Edited September 4, 2021 by flowboy

[ndm678]

4 hours ago, Gianna said:

Hm, interesting! I don't think it's bad at all. Your hyper-awareness of the clingy/neediness will not allow you to become overly clingy and needy. In fact, it might cause resistance to it like what it is doing right now. It sounds like this resistance is really fear– not of becoming 'clingy' or 'needy'– but of becoming dependent. I would say to dig in to why you believe being dependent is wrong if this rings true for you. A lot of us in the personal development field view dependency as the enemy. 

I am terrified of dependency, of my own anyways.

Anytime I initiate affection I feel like I'm being over the top with it.

2 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

I kinda feel like that's your only problem, really, that you judge yourself like that. I say if it feels good, do it (provided no-one's getting hurt, obviously - well, unless you're into BDSM I guess ) - and what feels nicer, as a straight guy, than intimacy with a lovely, sexy woman? I can't think of anything I'd rather do  

Couldn't agree more  

Feels good until I do it, then it's like a washing of guilt and fear.

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

Real intimacy if you will, is indeed intoxicating. Practice, contemplate - play around with - you can get drunk anytime, anywhere, without anyone, without doing anything. Intimacy as a most unbelievable icing on that cake of youness. Let the mind fool you a bit on from where this ecstasy & bliss arise, but not too much. Lose yourself in it, yet know yourself as it. 

I agree, that frosting is amazing, but if feels like it's laced with Arsenic and razor blades, so a good deal of caution is applied.

27 minutes ago, flowboy said:

@ndm678 If it's from a place of not feeling okay without her, you'd be right to worry about this. Perhaps you are less grounded in purpose or having your life and support system together in other ways.

Otherwise, it's fine, and it's time to re-examine these beliefs about affection.

 

• Did you get hurt by girls in the past, because you were too affectionate?
• But... maybe when you did those behaviors then, it was coming from a different place, than it is now?

 

Just projecting examples here. I encourage you to find out what you actually believe about affection, and where it comes from.

I feel 'off when we're apart. Logically, it doesn't make sense, so I kinda 'white knuckle through it'. 

My life outside of this had been kinda volatile the past few months. Lots of moving around and lots of people dying. Excuses indeed, but they play some kind of part. What we had before we parted for a bit, I didn't have these kind of feelings.

I got divorced a while back, 18 years of being with someone that 'didn't want to be touched by anyone, anytime, for any reason. It's a deep, flawed,sub routine that's tricky to examine. I did get a bit overly clingy/needy when this was ending.

I was a teenager before that, so I don't really remember those instance (I'm 41 now).

I'm frightened of being vulnerable, rejected, and the sort. I'm not really sure how to come at those from a different agle.

 

[Nahm]

I think “it is laced with arsenic & razorblades”. 

It feels like it’s not. 

Sometimes I believe the thought, and so the feeling seems to be about that it is. 

But I remember it is the thought which the feeling is teaching me about. 

 

It is better to love and to lose, to be burned, to be hurt, to be scorned, bruised & broken - than to never have loved. 

[ndm678]

@Nahm  the feeling of receiving affection is great. But it also feels like there will be a toll to be paid for indulging in it.

Or maybe I'm just not picking up what you're putting down

[Nahm]

@ndm678

Maybe it’s simpler, obvious even… maybe if you believe you will owe, you will experience as if you do.

[Gianna]

12 hours ago, ndm678 said:

I am terrified of dependency, of my own anyways.

Anytime I initiate affection I feel like I'm being over the top with it.

I would just let things flow. The more you enjoy it now the more you will attract it in your life <3 people like to give.

[hamedsf]

make the sex adventurous, she will become clingy this time. 

[ndm678]

@hamedsf The sex is pretty amazing. But you have piqued my interest in making it adventurous. She's already a bit on the clingy spectrum. 

[hamedsf]

@ndm678 yep, as I said adventurous, something that is unpredictable and new for her brain. If you spice it up, she will want to have sex more than you!