Psychoanalyzing Myself

[soos_mite_ah]

My Changing Relationship to Writing 

I remember on how from 2020 to the end 2021 how I've been pretty consistent with writing to where I wanted to create a blog. I was consistent with my writing in an almost everyday basis and I also wrote a lot in my freetime outside of this forum. However, for the last 6 or so months, I've seen my passion for writing wane. I thought it was due to my busy life where I was prioritizing doing rather than contemplating, but as things have quieted down, I didn't throw myself into writing as I did in the past. And I want to explore that a little bit. 

My love, dedication, and continous practice of writing started when I was 16 in 2016. Prior to then, I chose to express myself through drawing and painting, but after my grandmother had passed away, I found myself leaning towards writing more as a way of trying to make sense of my experiences and emotions. I eventually reached the conclusion that while I was a skilled artist in the way that I could carefully recreate images in a meditative state, my creativity shined more in writing because of the way that I uniquely expressed myself. Around mid 2019, I remember feeling a sense of stability emotionally for the first time in a whlie. I remember how drawn I was to writing waned since I didn't have many emotions to makes sense of. I was at peace. And I noticed that a lot of my inspiration for writing comes from conflict, things going on in my life, and me trying to process and heal that. And therefore, when I was in a healed, realtively peaceful state, I didn't have as much to write about. 

As a result, it isn't too surprising that the most and most consistently that I have written was in 2020 towards the end of 2021 during the pandemic. Let's just say that this two year period was just a cluster fuck. 2022 was me getting my life together through experiences outside of myself because I finally had the opportunity to go out and do things rather than being stuck running in circles in the labyrinth of my own mind. I had multiple jobs, I traveled, I finished up university, entered into a relationship, built up my friendships and learned from their post grad experiences, and I got my current job that I'm working at right now. 2023 so far has been me dealing with the transition of being in school to working fulltime and dealing with the peaceful and happy monotony of a stable life. And I feel like there is only so much I have to write about that. Not only that, but I feel that as my frontal lobe develops, there is less of my writing about my personal life that I want out in the internet. I don't feel like being the open book that I used to be before. 

I have taken the life purpose course a couple of times now mainly because I find myself back into the drawing board as I continue to grow and learn about myself in my 20s. I'm not going to give too much away regarding the life purpose course but I find that I have integrated a lot of the core concepts, I have a solid grasp on my values, and pretty solid impact statement. The part that trips me up is finding my strengths, the different life purpose exercises that have questions for you to think about and answer which can help you find your purpose, and the making it real section that makes the life purpose more tangible and practical. I find that my stengths and skills are evolving in the way that they present themselves and that my answers to the life purpose exercises change from year to year. And that's where my writing and my relationship to the act of writing comes in. Writing isn't the only way to manifest my strengths and skills nor is it consistent in my everchanging answers to the life purpose exercises.

Before, I saw writing as a key part of my life purpose, but now I'm not entirely sure. I do see myself having an outlet for creative self expression throughout my life but similarly in the way that I pivoted from drawing to writing back in 2016, I can see myself pivoting once again to a new kind of skill in the future. While I did enjoy drawing when I was little and I was able to continue that for a solid 8 years, eventually it waned and I found myself never really going back because I found another outlet I wanted to explore instead. When I think of this pivot, I think of how Rihanna dedicated years of her life to her music and later became a makeup CEO, and she hasn't produced an album since 2016. And everyone keeps asking her when she will come up with new music and she just says "soon" with no elaboration even though its been like 7 years. I see myself going through something like that but on a much smaller scale lol. And I think I might be going through that again. I don't know if this is going to be an end to my writing era and what the next thing will be. I don't know if this is my going through a period of being uninspired. I don't know if I'm outgrowing this medium because of where I'm at with my life regarding self development and stability. I don't know where my relationship with writing is going. All I know is that it's going somewhere and there are changes in the horizon. 

[Etherial Cat]

On 04/04/2023 at 8:53 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

The Men on this Forum and Why I Stick Around. 

I don't know what distorts my perception of men more, the men on this forum or the men in my real life. The men on this forum are really icky and lacking in self awareness. The fact that there are so many people defending Andrew Tate is nuts. Not to mention the hundreds of posts that lack self awarenss regarding basic social issues and social settings. Some of these threads get pretty disturbing as well. My mind goes to this thread that was started about a guy who felt victimized by his girlfriend getting raped because that meant that another man touched his woman. I remember this thread more clearly while the rest of the posts blur together mainly because I remember that thread being the last straw for many women on this forum. The majority of women who I was cool with here are gone now. I myself don't contribute to conversations much any more (though I doubt any one reads or takes me seriously when I do post) and I keep to myself in my journals more nowadays. 

I have written in the past how this forum distorted my view of men during the pandemic because this was my main exposure to men during that short period of time. Long story short, sticking around in this forum made me cynical about men, made me not like myself very much and view myself through an objectifying lens, and I found myself feeling on guard in my regular life. Basically, I needed to touch grass lol. And talking to my friend's brothers and meeting men irl helped a lot in terms of the things listed previously. ]

Then men in my real life don't have any of the weirdness on this forum. They aren't trying to be alpha males, they aren't trying to "socially calibrate themselves" and learn game, they are friends with women, they understand social issues, they have career goals and self development aspirations in the form of therapy and reflection, and just all around they are normal well adjusted people with goals in their lives. They still like video games, hang out on reddit, and do I guess other traditionally male online activities but they aren't chronically online and know how to engage with other people of either gender platonically and romantically. 

And I wouldn't say that these are the top tier men. They're just normal well adjusted guys to me. But I feel like if they were on this forum they would look like some well integrated god of some sort. I feel like the guys on this forum are particularly bad due to the incel and pick up artist rhetoric and how spirituality can attract broken people, but I guess I find myself wondering, what even is a normal guy? Are the guys on this forum worse than the average guy? Are they the average? Are they guys I meet in my real life average guys or better than the average due to my own selection bias? Like my current boyfriend would never in a million years be associated with a guy who is a fan of Andrew Tate or any other podcast bro and often makes fun of guys like that. He is aware of the manosphere in the same way I am and while he can empathize with them to a certain extent, he does ultimately see them as a collection of clowns and walking red flags. And don't get me wrong, I know a lot of men aren't like my boyfriend, I have gone on dates with guys who turned out to be really weird before, but I'm using him as an example because currently, he is a man whom I am the most closest to. 

But yeah, for a forum that centers around self improvment, being higher consciousness, and critiquing society's low consciousness ways, it sure has a lot of people who have their EQ in the gutter. I also wonder what Leo's social life looks like to a certain degree and how it coinceides with the characters I have met on this forum. If it is anything at all like the dynamics here, no wonder he thinks the average person is shitty and that he's so much better than everyone. It's because he is surrounded by scummy people. I don't know what that says about him and again I'm talking about hypotheticals but yeah.... this forum doesn't have many self-aware much less self actualized people and is often a hostile place for women. 

I suppose the main reason I stick around is because of my journal. I do enjoy writing on here and I find myself ignoring most of the chatter here because I'm emotionally exhausted to where I cannot bother to care (and because many of the discussions are pretty low quality tbh). I wonder how long I'm going to stick around and if it's even worth it for me being here now that most of the people I liked and engaged with basically left this place. I wonder if anything I even say on this forum or in my journal even matters or if anyone actually reads it anymore tbh. It kind of feels like me talking to the void. I'm alright with that but I wonder when I will naturally stop posting here as well. 

Upon reflecting on my experiences in this forum, I have come to the realization that it does not align with my personal values and beliefs for several reasons. Specifically, I have observed a recurring pattern where many men seek reassurance through the disempowerment and humiliation of femininity. I believe this behavior stems from their own damaged self-esteem, which generates a conscious or unconscious desire for domination and control over women's lives. This desperate desire to feel more masculine often translates into a pathological need to have the upper hand at all costs over women.

Throughout my time in this forum, I did not feel as though the men here wanted me to have a fulfilling life where I could be loved, cherished, and respected as a sensitive and intelligent individual. On the contrary, it was evident that many of them harbored deep-seated shame, which made them resistant to the idea that anyone deserved such treatment, especially women for various reasons. I cannot even begin to recall the number of disempowering narratives designed to humiliate and demonize women that I encountered here, and they only served the exact purpose I described above.

In reality, love is rooted in mutual faith, trust, a desire to see the best in everyone, and a genuine desire to care for another's heart. Unfortunately, this behavior in the forum does not exhibit any of these qualities. Instead, it is driven by a desire to disempower, dehumanize, and distrust women. This is because many men here deeply resent femininity and are caught in a double bind with it. They share a common belief that they are not good enough or masculine enough to achieve their goals, and as a result, they reject the feminine aspects of themselves, thinking that this is what makes them weak. However, in doing so, they also reject their most intense drive, which is the drive for love, intimacy, and unity, ultimately leading to terrible suffering.

The lack of compassion, mercy, kindness, and care for one another in this forum is a direct result of the many individuals who have a software program in their minds that automatically rejects femininity in all its forms due to their shame wound. Or if they accept any form of femininity, it is only through a pre-approved, unthreatening meek form, which ultimately is unchallenging and boring.

So this is among other things why I have decided to leave this place for good. Most of the men here are not interested in co-creating love. They are too insecure and obsessed with the idea of losing. Deep down, they believe that they cannot be loved for who they are because they do not love themselves, leading them to believe that no one else can either. Unfortunately, unconditional love is the biggest shadow of this forum.

I refuse to create relationships based on these patterns again. Life is too short, and I find it difficult to forgive missed opportunities for co-creating love and beauty together. Moreover, I am unwilling to spend time in a space or with people who do not take my best interests into consideration and deny that such patterns exist. This behavior only serves to maintain the power dynamic that I have described, for the reasons I mentioned. 

Furthermore, I firmly believe that seeking to spend time in a self-help forum where your empowerment is seen as undesirable is a joke by definition. Also, as someone who has been doing a lot of work to reintegrate my own unconditional love shadow, I just don't want to spend any more time here. I actually just logged in to keep on deleting my whole post history and wipe my presence away from the surface of this forum.

I saw a post where my name was mentioned so I thought I'd reply you here. I hope it doesn't bother you. 

I wish you the best on your journey.

Lots of love.

[soos_mite_ah]

Hey @Etherial Cat , it's always nice to hear from you  . I'm guessing the thread you saw your name at was the one where I wondered if there were any women left on the forum that eventually turned into a cluster fuck lol. I was hoping that I would see more women come out of the woodworks and sure I learned of some other female users whose journals I got to check out but the thread devolved to where I just thought it was best to lock it. 

I agree with everything that you have been saying in your post above. I have also contemplated on deleting all of my posts from here but I haven't gotten around to how I want to deal with that yet. Most of my posts are from my journals and I think I would want to put in more thought as to what degree I want to scrub my presance from here. 

Sometimes I just wonder to what extent do guys on this forum reflect what the average guy is like and to what extent my selection bias out in the world contrasts with this notion of the average guy. I have a handful of guys in my life and I know what kinds of issues affect men to a certain extent, but I'd be lying if I said that I understood the male experience and how the average guy approaches life lol. 

I did notice that by stepping back from this forum and touching some grass helped with my cynical and guarded attitudes with men. I can see on how taking a step back or just leaving all together can be healing period. 

All of that being said, I hope you're doing well @Etherial Cat and I hope you have been finding success in your own self development and healing journey. I did enjoy reading your comments and journal entries on this forum but I totally understand that you'd prefer to take that journey offline  

[Etherial Cat]

8 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Hey @Etherial Cat , it's always nice to hear from you  . I'm guessing the thread you saw your name at was the one where I wondered if there were any women left on the forum that eventually turned into a cluster fuck lol. I was hoping that I would see more women come out of the woodworks and sure I learned of some other female users whose journals I got to check out but the thread devolved to where I just thought it was best to lock it. 

I agree with everything that you have been saying in your post above. I have also contemplated on deleting all of my posts from here but I haven't gotten around to how I want to deal with that yet. Most of my posts are from my journals and I think I would want to put in more thought as to what degree I want to scrub my presance from here. 

Sometimes I just wonder to what extent do guys on this forum reflect what the average guy is like and to what extent my selection bias out in the world contrasts with this notion of the average guy. I have a handful of guys in my life and I know what kinds of issues affect men to a certain extent, but I'd be lying if I said that I understood the male experience and how the average guy approaches life lol. 

I did notice that by stepping back from this forum and touching some grass helped with my cynical and guarded attitudes with men. I can see on how taking a step back or just leaving all together can be healing period. 

All of that being said, I hope you're doing well @Etherial Cat and I hope you have been finding success in your own self development and healing journey. I did enjoy reading your comments and journal entries on this forum but I totally understand that you'd prefer to take that journey offline  

Overall, I believe I have expressed everything that needs to be said. Repeating myself would be futile as the intended message seems to fall on deaf ears. This is not a flaw, but rather a deliberate aspect of the situation.

Just like the abhorrent harassment was never recognized as problematic because it serves the male-centric culture of this forum by silencing a woman's viewpoint. Having a unique perspective, voices, opinions, and being treated as human generates discomfort for a group of men who prioritize their own needs and desires. It surely can be quite uncomfortable to be confronted with one's blind spots and narcissism, especially when someone wants to appear on its best "Chad" behavior around. 

I'm not entirely sure how common this is, but in my experience, it tends to be worse here because many of the people who frequent this space have a proclivity towards arrogance and are quick to project their deep-seated shame onto others instead of engaging in introspection. There is really little ability to come clean with one's shame and vulnerability. This creates a toxic environment that fosters contempt for others and often leads to a lack of self-reflection and a reinforcement of problematic behavior. It can be challenging to admit when one is wrong, so individuals may double down on their behavior instead of taking accountability. They'll also come up with plenty of justification to rationalize it all away.

However, if you're wondering to what extent sexism is rampant among men outside the forum, I'll just recall you that your country has overturned Roe v. Wade which tells a whole lot about the current situation. It seems to be particularly fueled by the dreadful economic cycle we are going through, which make men feel even more inadequate so worried about their ability to build a life. Which I have plenty of compassion for... but it shouldn't backfire on us. But it tends to because it's easier to ressent those you see as below you than the one you see as above. Especially when you seek to join their club, which a lot do.

Also, for what I do know and observe in my real life, the majority of couples I see suffer from a dynamic in which women are constrained to hide their inner lives from men who either can't or don't have a genuine desire to take seriously their thoughts, emotions, and perspectives. It's just that same pattern on the forum, but IRL. And this one nightmare of a dynamic is like HYPER prevalent. Lots of women do not even realize it because it's so normative, until they get sucked dried and realize they've been pissing their life away. Generally, the societal contempt for the feminine translate in a contempt of a man in a relationship for the perspective and interest of the woman he is with, which leads to a total absence of attunement and intimacy. 

I cleared my journal because it made me want to come back as it was an attachment. I regret it in the sense that I wish I had saved the content before doing this impulsively. But overall, severing the ties with this website has improved my mental health significantly and exiting the relationship made me feel empowered and in charge of what I tolerate and what I don't. I basically dumped that place because I love myself enough to know I deserve a better environment to flourish and develop, and because participating in it made me feel as such as I'd still take part in something I actually don't approve of.

[soos_mite_ah]

41 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Overall, I believe I have expressed everything that needs to be said. Repeating myself would be futile as the intended message seems to fall on deaf ears. This is not a flaw, but rather a deliberate aspect of the situation.100% agree. A lot of the "discussions" feel bad faith and I guess as I get older, I just don't have the time and energy to fight back. 

Just like the abhorrent harassment was never recognized as problematic because it serves the male-centric culture of this forum by silencing a woman's viewpoint. Having a unique perspective, voices, opinions, and being treated as human generates discomfort for a group of men who prioritize their own needs and desires. It surely can be quite uncomfortable to be confronted with one's blind spots and narcissism, especially when someone wants to appear on its best "Chad" behavior around.  Yeah there is aparently a whole thing around self help and how young men particularly can be funneled into far right thinking because the left doesn't provide them with adequet answers. The whole phenomenon with how self help is being co-opted by the right is an interesting thing that I have been looking into and talking about the men in my life when it comes to both Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson. 

I'm not entirely sure how common this is, but in my experience, it tends to be worse here because many of the people who frequent this space have a proclivity towards arrogance and are quick to project their deep-seated shame onto others instead of engaging in introspection. There is really little ability to come clean with one's shame and vulnerability. This creates a toxic environment that fosters contempt for others and often leads to a lack of self-reflection and a reinforcement of problematic behavior. It can be challenging to admit when one is wrong, so individuals may double down on their behavior instead of taking accountability. They'll also come up with plenty of justification to rationalize it all away. 

I have a lot of ideas why this form of misogyny is in a spirituality forum of all places. I wrote a lot of this out a while ago if you want to check it out: 

 

However, if you're wondering to what extent sexism is rampant among men outside the forum, I'll just recall you that your country has overturned Roe v. Wade which tells a whole lot about the current situation. It seems to be particularly fueled by the dreadful economic cycle we are going through, which make men feel even more inadequate so worried about their ability to build a life. Which I have plenty of compassion for... but it shouldn't backfire on us. But it tends to because it's easier to ressent those you see as below you than the one you see as above. Especially when you seek to join their club, which a lot do.

On the Roe v. Wade stuff, I do think it's more of a religious thing because 2/3 of the country was opposed to that decision. At the same time, I do get the sentiment of things are pretty bad for this to have occurred in the first place. And I think economically speaking, a lot of men are but hurt about how they aren't getting the same standard of living as their fathers and are blaming feminism rather than capitalism. You also have women romanticizing the idea of being a stay at home wife or girlfriend and romanticizing patriarchial gender roles because of a backlash from the girl boss feminism in the 2010s and in general wanting to check out of having work and struggle to pay the bills. Like I'm aware that these subcultures exist on the internet especially but I do think that my own social circle is an echo chamber as well.  

Also, for what I do know and observe in my real life, the majority of couples I see suffer from a dynamic in which women are constrained to hide their inner lives from men who either can't or don't have a genuine desire to take seriously their thoughts, emotions, and perspectives. It's just that same pattern on the forum, but IRL. And this one nightmare of a dynamic is like HYPER prevalent. Lots of women do not even realize it because it's so normative, until they get sucked dried and realize they've been pissing their life away. Generally, the societal contempt for the feminine translate in a contempt of a man in a relationship for the perspective and interest of the woman he is with, which leads to a total absence of attunement and intimacy. 

I have heard from a lot of people sharing their accounts and often times I'm just left sitting here like *do straight people even like each other!?!?!* I feel like I have a pretty good relationship and I know my friends have good relationships. And while I cannot imagine having my significant other treating me in a crazy way or the possibility that my significant other and I aren't friends, there is a part of me that feels lucky to be in a healthy dynamic where we both like and care about each other and are able to be emotionally vulnerable. 

I also hear stories from older women on how they end up taking care of the bulk of the house work, on how they cannot rely on their HUSBANDS to take care of their kids (and if anything their husband is like an additional child), and the amount of weaponized incompetence that is utilized. I also know of the statistic on how if a couple gets divorced, odds are the woman is the one who is initiating the divorce. At the same time, I do realize that because of my age, that I'm mainly encountering these stories online and that I have yet to see this in my peer group and I'm most definitely not naive in thinking that this doesn't happen irl. I suppose I'm only privy to a certain extent of what men behind closed doors discuss amongst themselves. 

I cleared my journal because it made me want to come back as it was an attachment. I regret it in the sense that I wish I had saved the content before doing this impulsively. But overall, severing the ties with this website has improved my mental health significantly and exiting the relationship made me feel empowered and in charge of what I tolerate and what I don't. I basically dumped that place because I love myself enough to know I deserve a better environment to flourish and develop, and because participating in it made me feel as such as I'd still take part in something I actually don't approve of.

I'm glad that leaving this website has helped in your mental well being and that this is serving your goal for self love and development. We all deserve a better environment to flourish and develop. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

My Hobbies and Interests Throughout the Years 

As I started journalling about my relationship with writing, I started thinking about my relationship with other past times I had over the years. 

Biking, Tennis, Swimming (2005-2011): These are things I would spend my time doing on the weekends along with watching cartoons as a kid when I didn't have to worry about too much homework and when the weather was nice

Playing on my Nintendo DS (2007-2012): Man, I was glued to this thing. My favorite games included Pokemon, Mario Kart, Super Mario Bros, Cooking Mama and Kingdom hearts. Pokemon was especially my favorite. I was deadset on catching them all until at some point I was like *they doin the absolute most* so I gave up lol. 

Drawing/Painting (2009-2016): I started getting into anime style art after seeing tutorials on YouTube. I remember I would spend a long time trying to draw on MS Paint, teach myself to draw using various mediums ranging from acrylics, charcoal, pastels etc. I also taught myself to use photoshop, took art classes over the summer, and generallly spent a lot of time learning proportions, shading etc. These were my first flow experiences as a kid. 

Watching anime (2011-2014): I got into anime after getting into Pokemon. My friends introduced me to different kids of manga and I got hooked on various fandoms this way from Fruits Basket, Tokyo Mew Mew, Kitchen Princess, Kaicho wa Maid Sama, Full Metal Alchemist, Bleach, and Death Note. I remember liking both shoujo and shouhen manga/ anime. I fell off of the manga and anime loop once I got into high school because I had a higher work load and I was worried about college. I can't say I know much about what happens in anime circles but generally speaking I can understand various different troups, discussions, and terminology going on. 

Helping my friends write fanfiction (2011-2013): I was never a fanfic writer but something that I liked doing with my friends during and in between classes is make up stories based on various YA novels we read from Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, Hunger Games etc. I was the kid who would try to come up with character designs and plot twists lol. 

Various Pop punk / Emo Music bands (2010-2017): I had a solid 7 year long emo phase lol. I remember bonding with my friends over the types of music we listened to, how I would actively be discovering more music, and it was just a huge part of my identity through my preteen to mid teen years. It started to fizzle out around when I was 16/17 when I expanded my music taste and honestly, I never got into music in the same way after that. 

Writing (2016-??) Wrote a whole post about this lol

Ice Skating (2014-2018): I did ice skating as a hobby throughout high school. I did do it while I was in elementary school as well but the ice rink near me at the time was demolished so I went like a solid 7 years without ice skating. I went to the ice rink about 3x a week and it was another one of my favorite flow experiences and a good physical outlet for me. 

Contemplating (2013-2016): I was already a very contemplative kid growing up. I think a large part of it had to do with me being an only child who had a lot of time in the world to just be lost in her own thoughts whlie listening to music. I think even now I'm just in a constant state of existential crisis lol.  However, for the sake of this post I'm cutting this off at 2016 because I want to draw a distinction between contemplating and just getting into / thinking about self development. The stuff I thought about in the year range above mainly had to do with psychology, religion, philosophy, etc. 

Self Development (2016-2022):  I started getting into self development after realizing how messed up my homelife was and how messed up my mental health was. It mainly started with me looking up videos on YouTube on how to deal with things like depression and anxiety as well as making sense of my family issues. I also got into therapy in 2018 and I feel like college gave me a good amount of distance to figure this stuff out. I think this greatly impacted how much and how often I would write. I'm setting the year range ending at 2022 because I feel like in 2023, my self development isn't as central in my life rather I'm just doing things for maintenance. I'm still in therapy and I still journal here and there but I wouldn't say it dominates my time as it used to. I'm past the season of character development and I'm currently enjoying the fruits of that. 

Weight lifting (2022-??): I started getting into early last year in my efforts to heal my relationship with food and exercise. It's something I do on a fairly regular basis. 

Left tube video essays (2018-2023): I discovered left tube back in 2018 when I started going to my conservative college. I started getting into some of the video essays because it helped me make sense of my current situation. I do think that this was also something that went hand in hand with my educational background and my interests on social issues overall from my childhood. And whle I'm still into social sciences and understanding social issues, I will say watching video essays are starting to get boring for me specifically which is why the year range ends in 2023. 

[Etherial Cat]

I don't manage to quote you so I'll have to reply each points after one another.

100% agree. A lot of the "discussions" feel bad faith and I guess as I get older, I just don't have the time and energy to fight back. 

Yes, the discussions were full of bad faith. And they didn't care, because many of them believe that using force and violating others' psychological and emotional boundaries is a hallmark of power. That's really a piss poor attitude to have and by definition it is unloving, disrespectful and selfish. I'd recommend signing out as fast as possible of any of these dynamic manifesting in one's life because the odds are big that this comes from a deeper issue and our job isn't to fix it.

Yeah there is aparently a whole thing around self help and how young men particularly can be funneled into far right thinking because the left doesn't provide them with adequet answers. The whole phenomenon with how self help is being co-opted by the right is an interesting thing that I have been looking into and talking about the men in my life when it comes to both Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson. 

There is also this aspect of personal development that emphasizes personal responsibility and the ability of individuals to break free from social dynamics holding your back. So I suppose that to some extend, self-help can get more affinity with a ring wing mindset at first glance. And a lot of people will be motivated to go on a self-help journey to create for itself a socially constructed norms and ideals. Getting for oneself a compliant, unchallenging girlfriend whose job will be to answer your needs in definitely part of that. They'll camouflage this under words as such as "following your leadership" and "feminine" to talk about that subservient, mindless, object of a woman they want. It's all about them knowing better, assuming by default she's got nothing to bring to the table in a disturbing display of self-suffisance, entitlement, and pride. 

I have a lot of ideas why this form of misogyny is in a spirituality forum of all places. I wrote a lot of this out a while ago if you want to check it out: 

I read your text and found it to be excellent. You're absolutely right that there is often a lot of repression among spiritual people. Instead of acknowledging and addressing their legitimate psychological needs, they may engage in ego-repression, which can lead to the development of a thick shadow. This can result in the unlived authentic life seeping back in through feelings of envy, anger, or unfairness.

It's important to recognize that our minds are closely interconnected with our bodies, and our psychological needs are just as fundamental as our physical needs. For example, our need for love and connection is almost as vital as our need to eat. While it is technically possible to survive without fulfilling these needs, our humanity compels us to seek unity and create love with others, as we are social creatures designed with that special divine purpose.

On the Roe v. Wade stuff, I do think it's more of a religious thing because 2/3 of the country was opposed to that decision. At the same time, I do get the sentiment of things are pretty bad for this to have occurred in the first place. And I think economically speaking, a lot of men are but hurt about how they aren't getting the same standard of living as their fathers and are blaming feminism rather than capitalism. You also have women romanticizing the idea of being a stay at home wife or girlfriend and romanticizing patriarchial gender roles because of a backlash from the girl boss feminism in the 2010s and in general wanting to check out of having work and struggle to pay the bills. Like I'm aware that these subcultures exist on the internet especially but I do think that my own social circle is an echo chamber as well.  

Although two-thirds of the country may have been against the issue, it's probably important to note that half of the population is made up of women (probably 75% in favor, and 25% of righteous pick me). This makes me concerned that a significant number of men may feel indifferent to the issue, to the point where right-wing fundamentalists could exploit this apathy. It's a sign that things aren't going super well.

In my experience, about 90% of the men I encounter have a very poor understanding of feminism and its principles. Many of them believe that there are little to no issues with being a woman in the western world today and the complains are exaggerated.

I am aware of the stay at home wife and girlfriend movement. Truth is, the horror of being a woman in a patriarchy is that you don't get to rest in your femininity and your anima is always racing. Getting under the umbrella of a man can put your animus to rest, and it's also not rare to read about feminist women having sexual kinks for domination just because submitting to the injunctions gives a short impression of letting go.

I have heard from a lot of people sharing their accounts and often times I'm just left sitting here like *do straight people even like each other!?!?!* I feel like I have a pretty good relationship and I know my friends have good relationships. And while I cannot imagine having my significant other treating me in a crazy way or the possibility that my significant other and I aren't friends, there is a part of me that feels lucky to be in a healthy dynamic where we both like and care about each other and are able to be emotionally vulnerable. 

I kept telling this to myself as well. There are soooo many of these dudes around pandering to the other male's gaze  . Like, especially the Andrew Tate and the like, they are OBSESSED with masculinity and hate us demonic femoids to the point that I am finding it sus

It's either that they are gay and can't tell themselves or that their are sooo terrified to expose their vulnerable part that they do not allow for any real connection with a woman able to truly be intimate with them.

I also hear stories from older women on how they end up taking care of the bulk of the house work, on how they cannot rely on their HUSBANDS to take care of their kids (and if anything their husband is like an additional child), and the amount of weaponized incompetence that is utilized. I also know of the statistic on how if a couple gets divorced, odds are the woman is the one who is initiating the divorce. At the same time, I do realize that because of my age, that I'm mainly encountering these stories online and that I have yet to see this in my peer group and I'm most definitely not naive in thinking that this doesn't happen irl. I suppose I'm only privy to a certain extent of what men behind closed doors discuss amongst themselves. 

Yes. I suppose we are all trying to see what are the challenge at other stages in a woman's life to try to dodge the bullets.

There is this absolutely killer book by the swiss writer Mona Chollet, which is named réinventer l'amour and talks exclusively about love relationships in the context of patriarchy. It's only available in french as of now so that's too bad, but otherwise I think you would have found it great. I suppose it will be edited in English in the future, so you might actually get a chance to read it.

I'm glad that leaving this website has helped in your mental well being and that this is serving your goal for self love and development. We all deserve a better environment to flourish and develop. 

Yeah it did. Though, it's been also a great resource in the past and I am thankful for having met most of the people I befriended here. The learning curve has been insane for me. I'm not going to take this away. But my impression is that I have seriously outgrown this space and need other environment where I can actually grow without having to make myself small. Usually, one needs to make room for something new to come by discarding the old. 

Anyway, goodbye *here* Soos.

[soos_mite_ah]

I love this video so much and I have watched it an embarassing number of times

[soos_mite_ah]

Mass Shootings 

 

The last time I've ever felt anything about a mass shooting was during the Sandy Hook shooting back in December 2012. I was 13 years old at the time and I remembered days after the event had occured on a Wednesday, I was sitting in my school chappel as our preacher read out the names of the 20 first graders who were killed. My school had this program where the older kids were given the responsibility to look after the younger ones during chappel. As a 7th grader was in charge of 2 first graders. I looked across the ailes and I remember the seniors where in charge of a kindergartener. And all I could think of when those names were being read was what would happen if someone came in through the door and shot the child next to me who is half the size of me at the time. Afterwards, I ran into the bathroom and just cried. I didn't give myself that much time to cry since chappel was wrapping up and we were about to go on to our classes later but I wiped away my tears and moved on with my day.

After that day I didn't feel anything towards a mass shooting. It's like my brain shut this part of my empathy off in order to deal with this type of stuff. But every now and then I get reminded that this not a normal way to react in the sense that it's fucked up that I've been so desensitized to this type of thing. All of the mass shootings blur together at some point. And while I do vote and do what I can on my end, I don't really think anything is going to change in the near future. I remember having teachers over the years express how distraught they felt about these situations through high school and college while the rest of my class stared off blankly as if it was a normal Tuesday. I think about how numb my peers are and how numb I am, and how that feels jarring for our teachers older than us. I'd imagine, going up to a class with children old enough to understand what is happening and mentioning the news, only for there to be no reaction what so ever to feel so ominous. There is a sense of apathy that can be interpreted as a lack of care or empathy but it can also be interpreted as a reaction to always being exposed to this type of news to where it's normalized. There is also the sense of wanting to emotionally connect with other people regarding the news but having those advancements be met with stone cold silence or just the other person ignoring you that can be incredibly invalidating. Either way, it's chilling. 

I do remember at different times in college where I was chilling and talking to my peers and telling stories about that one "incident" in our school in a laughing and joking matter only to be like "you know it's kinda fucked up we're making light of this matter, but I guess that's our way of coping. I mean, what's the alternative?" But over all, while I feel like I can intellectually process it, emotionally I've always blocked myself off from this type of collective trauma and used humor to cushion that wall like many people in my generation. 

However, for the first time in 10+ years, I felt something when it comes to mass shootings. There was a mass shooting in a suburb north of Dallas called Allen, TX in their outlet mall. I have a number of friends who live in Allen including my boyfriend. One of my friends has an uncle who was working in the mall yesterday. He saw people get shot, pools of blood, and a family with small children who were hiding in the bushes die. Thankfully, my friend's uncle got out unharmed but that entire night my friend was trying to calm him down from the carnage he witnessed. 

Part of me feels like a bad person for having feelings only when someone I am distantly connected to is suffering and not for the hundreds of other shootings that have happened in the last 10 years. Another part of me feels bad for being affected by it so much because I'm not the main person suffering. I wasn't at the scene, I have no right to be upset. This is just part of life at this point and it's only a matter of time before you or someone you know is caught in this type of thing. Get over it. Finally, another part can recognize all of this is a trauma response and it's part of the way that my brain specifically decided to cope with constantly getting exposed to this stuff. That part of me currently feels overwhelmed because a lot of the things I've been bottling up for the last 10 years is coming up. 

I started talking to my boyfriend about this yesterday and just sat with him on the phone feeling whatever I felt and occasionally saying something while reading the various new stories that were developing. I was hoping to god that the family in the bushes were mentioned in an article so that it would mean that there is a chance my friend was parroting things she saw on the news rather than explaining what her uncle witnessed. The way she worded it sounded a bit unclear. I kept reading her texts to me and reading the comments on the new videos. Many were about how this happened because the Allen Outlet Mall is a gun free zone and because the shooter was killed by an officer, there was this narrative of how if everyone was armed this wouldn't have happened and that "the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun." And while I found those comments as stupid and frustrating in the past, I can't help but think that making comments like that is a symptom of our collective trauma and a way of coping for the sector of Americans who are hell bent on concepts individualism and personal responsibility. It sounds awfully like the barginning stage of grief after a traumatic event. 

I also started thinking about my proximity to other violent events. I have also been at a mall near my house that got shot up like 10-15 minutes after I left the place. I also had a CVS phamacy that was robbed where the robber shot a pregnant lady who was working there about an hour after I left the place. My university has had a couple of bomb threats during my time there. And just by being a woman who has had encounters with some sketchy guys, I began thinking of those instances too. Part of me, while deeply terrifed of being at the receiving end of violence, feels like this type of thing is inevitable. I'm not under the impression that I think that this will never happen to me. Something I use to calm myself in situations where I'm walking alone at night or I'm in a parking lot alone is that if I ever get raped, murdered, trafficked, kidnapped etc. that it will be in the hands of someone I know, not a random person in a back alleyway. Which is also fucked up to verbalize but I guess the only way to combat a very real and valid fear women have is by having an equally real and valid narrative to combat it which is to recognize how realistically things usually play out.  But when it comes to shootings, there is only so much you can do given how random they can be. 

Today, I woke up and started watching videos of interviews people did on the Sandy Hook shootings for the survivors 10 years later. Many of them are in their last years of high school or are in college. I just kept thinking of the lives of the survivors after all of this and how not much has changed since 2012 both in terms of their trauma as well as our federal legislature. I also thought it was important to watch in order to reconnect with my empathy because part of me felt completely fine after I woke up and that just felt kind of fucked up and icky. It felt icky because I interpretted the feeling of being "completely fine" as me falling back into my numbness and callous apathy. And as I write out my thoughts and draw out the number of complex thoughts and feelings I have to this, I think it challenges me to question the notion that there is a right or moral way to feel and cope with events such as these. 

My boyfriend and I checked on my friend who was being impacted and we're waiting to get a response back from her. I'm also contemplating on taking time off of work tomorrow just to process some things that this situation is bringing up. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Secondary PTSD: 

Monday: I got to see my friend who was closely impacted by the shooting and my boyfriend who lives in Allen on Monday near downtown Dallas. We had plans previously to go shopping on the 8th because my friend is moving to Washington DC and needed professional clothes for her internship. I felt some relief after spending time with them and being able to physically see that they are alright. My friend on the other hand I'm still concerned about due to her proximity to the event physically and relationally. We both think she hasn't processed the even fully and is still in a *I need to be on the go and focus on other things in my life* mode. 

I felt pretty jumpy while hanging out. We just went to a cafe and then a couple of thrift stores to keep things more low key. I caught myself having intrusive thoughts where I would imagine violent and gory scenes. I caught myself being extra vigilant of my surroundings and getting nervous on the road when my boyfriend was driving despite him being a careful driver. I caught myself having random periods of anxiety when my heart rate would go up out of nowhere. And finally, I caught myself feeling nervous when I was out in the open outside of a store. We were waiting for my friend to get back from somewhere and I didn't feel comforable waiting outside the store because I felt exposed and unsafe so I told my boyfriend that we should wait in the car instead. In my mind, if anything were to happen, if we're in the car we can drive off. 

The other thing that freaked me out was when my friend told me that the only reason why she wasn't in the mall that day was because she had plans with me and my boyfriend. She thought "well, I already planned to go shopping with soos_mite_ah and her boyfriend on Monday. I don't really need to go today." She's mainly grateful about this and I am too, but it just freaks me out how much of an impact this really tiny decision has made. We could have easily made the decision to go to the outlet mall that day instead. In addition to her uncle being caught in the store across from where the shooting began, apparently her step dad left the mall right before the shooting began. He saw the shooter's car pull up and he heard the first round of shot but thought it was just someone who was having issues with their car and just drove off as usual. It's just too close to people I know. Also, her uncle knew one of the victims and would talk to the guy on a daily basis when he would show up for work. 

I kept my emotions in check around my friend. I didn't want to show her how freaked out I felt because I want her to be able to process in her own time and I think me being reactive could be triggering for her. I got the sense that she wanted to hang out to get things done for her move, to spend time with her friends before she leaves, and to get her mind off of the matter for a little bit after venting. But when I started driving back home, I just started crying in my car at the thought of losing her. I was still getting the intrusive thoughts and I kept imagining her being part of the bodies surrounded by blood. And it's no surprise that I had trouble sleeping Monday night. More information came out about the victims and I couldn't help but start doom scrolling. 

Tuesday: I had a session with my therapist on Tuesday. I told her everything I have heard and have been feeling over the last few days. I think it really helped me process this situation. I also found out that I maybe dealing with secondary trauma / PTSD from the event. I talked alot about the symptoms I've been experiencing, the places my mind has been going, and the emotions I've been repressing for the past 10 years. After the session, I searched up what secondary trauma and PTSD was. Here is the website and here is a little bit that I want to include in my  journal: https://www.banyanmentalhealth.com/2022/03/02/secondary-trauma-symptoms/

I also wrote out what I'm experiencing in blue. 

Quote

Secondary Trauma Symptoms & Signs

People with secondary traumatic stress may experience symptoms like those of PTSD, sometimes to the point where the individual is diagnosed with PTSD. However, while secondary trauma symptoms are like PTSD symptoms, the average person may only experience one of the latter.

With that said, common secondary traumatic stress disorder symptoms include:

• Unwanted and painful memories of the event/story (I made the poor decision of getting on twitter where I saw graphic images of the bodies before they were covered. I also can't get the stories out of my mind) 
• Dreams or flashbacks of the event/story (had nightmares the night before writing this) 
• Avoidance of things that remind you of the traumatic event/story (public spaces are freaking me out)
• Mood swings (I'm feeling a variety of things lately) 
• Irritability (work has been particularly annoying because I'm coping with this stuff)
• Frequent emotional outbursts (I'm not having outbursts but I am having crying spells) 
• Engaging in self-destructive and reckless behavior (such as substance abuse) (nope)
• Difficulty concentrating (having issues with focusing on work and being present with friends and family) 
• Sleep problems (haven't been sleeping much or well)
• Easily startled or jumpy (that along with being hyper vigilant) 

A person with secondary traumatic stress disorder may also experience changes in areas like their sense of safety, their ability to trust others, their self-esteem, their intimacy, and their self-control as a result of vicarious trauma. Compassion fatigue is also a consequence of secondary trauma and is characterized by physical and mental exhaustion and loss of empathy for others.

Compassion fatigue occurs as a result of the ongoing demands of being compassionate and helpful to others who are suffering, which brings us to burnout. Burnout refers to the emotional and physical exhaustion caused by prolonged work-related stress (and not just exposure to secondary trauma.)

A person with burnout may feel mentally and physically drained, become irritable, and develop negative attitudes towards their clients/patients. Considering the mental stress that this can cause and the impact it can have on a professional’s ability to carry out their tasks properly, having a solid grasp on what secondary traumatic stress is, becomes necessary. It helps when offering professionals, who are frequently exposed to trauma victims, the PTSD treatment they need, as well.

I don't think I have secondary PTSD as of yet but secondary trauma for sure. I'm still trying to see how this will unfold in the next couple of weeks. I do have some hope since I have experienced something similar in the past and it was just me being shaken up for 2ish weeks. I think I just need time and space before I feel like my normal self.  

[soos_mite_ah]

The Victims 

Wednesday: I still felt anxious and jumpy about the whole situation. I met up with a friend to get dinner and I caught myself having my heart beat faster and be out of breath at random moments. I also parked a little further away from the restaurant because of a lack of parking spaces and I caught myself feeling terrified of walking to the restaurant. My friend noticed this and help me calm down. The restaurant was crowded and our group was waiting outside for a table. I'm still anxious about just being out in the open so I waited inside, isolated from the rest of the group, trying not to freak out. I eventually go inside, wait in line for the bathroom, and wait in the bathroom for a couple of minutes until our table was ready because even being that close to the entrence freaked me out. Even during dinner, I caught myself being hyper vigilant of my surrounding where I was thinking of my closest exits and how I'd hide / react if a shooting were to occur. 

But most of today felt depressing more than anything. I kept thinking of the victims and their families, especially Christian LaCour and William Cho. My friends uncle was friends with Christian and would talk to him on a daily basis when going to work. My friend's uncle ran to find cover only to find his body on the floor long gone. Christian was around my age. I kept thinking of the grief and PTSD my friend and my friend's uncle are experiencing right now, of just seeing someone who is the same age as your nieces and nephews lying there in a pool of his own blood. I also can't help but think if my friend could have been one of the casualties that day, what it would be like finding her like that. 

I thought of William Cho, a six year old boy who had a birthday recently who when to H&M to return a few things that he got and whose parents and 3 year old brother were murdered while they were hiding in the bushes. He is the only one who survived in the family. I read a chilling account of a first responder who found the boy's mother crouched in a bush. When the responder turned the lady over, she had no face. He found a boy under her body and he looked as someone dunked him in blood. The little boy kept telling the man "my mommy is hurt, my mommy is hurt, please help her." Not only is this horrifying to be in your dead mother's arms drenched in blood with her face blown off, but it's unexplainably tragic for a six year old to be saved in this way to where there is only so much they can understand and process about the situation. Like, how do you continue living like that?!?!?! I wouldn't be surprise that on top of the trauma, the grief, the PTSD, that the kid would have survivor's guilt as well not only because he is the only one who survived but because they were going to return his clothes that day. That poor baby. That's all I can think about. That poor baby.

I also thought of Aishwarya Thatikonda, a girl from south India who got an engineering job in Allen. I kept thinking about the process her friends and family are going through over seas. I'd imagine her getting this opportunity in a different country was very hopeful and exciting and after years of hard work, only for her and her friend to be gunned down in a seemingly normal day. Her friend survived and is now in stable condition but she died on her way to the hospital I believe. As someone who is familiar with the South Asian community in the Dallas area and knows of others who died violently and tragically and heard about what their families experienced over seas, I feel like I can put myself in their shoes.

I also thought of Elio Cumana-Rivas who had a similar story to Aishwarya in the sense that he immigrated from Venezwuella for a better life. There isn't much that is known about the 32-year old and I'm pretty sure it's because his friends and family just want privacy to process this senseless tragedy which I can empathize with. As someone who grew up in a post 9/11 world and as a woman of color who came of age in the Trump presidency, I can't say that I've ever believed in the mythos of **The American Dream** that I feel is sold to my parents and other immigrants. I just think it's really fucked up for people who believe in the American propoganda as a way of being hopeful of achieving a greater standard of living have to meet with the deteriorating reality of this place, especially when it involves being gunned down. 

Finally I thought of Daniella and Sofia Mendoza, two elementary school age sisters (ages 10 and 8) who were killed. Their mother is in critical condition. The way their bodies were stacked on top of each other is an image that is burned into my mind. I can't even imagine what it must be like for the father, to lose both of your children instantly and also being uncertain about losing your wife. This also reminded me of my emotions with the Sandy Hook shooting and how it was also a situation where elementary school kids were targetted. 

I've had multiple crying sessions throughout the day about these stories. Especially for William Cho. His story kept repeating in my head. That poor baby, that poor baby, that poor baby...

Thursday: I started my day after having nightmares about being caught in a domestic terror attack. I spent time at work only to take some time off and essentially take a half day. I told my boss the day before that I have friends and family in Allen and that I know people who were at the mall that day and who are connected to one of the victims. I also told them that thankfully everyone that I know are fine but I am pretty shaken up by the situation and that while I don't feel comfortable going into the details, that I do feel comfortable enough to open up and be honest about the situation with her and let her know what's going on and how I am noticing it's affecting my performance. She was very supportive and we worked on a plan on how to best move forward professionally. I ended up submitting a few hours of PTO as I submitted a half day that was much needed. 

After getting off at noon, I took a shower, ate, and took a nap (it was 5 hours long). I definitely needed that sleep considering that I haven't been sleeping well back to back and considering the fact that I was still able to sleep later that night. Today still felt more depressing than anything. My brain kept repeating *That poor baby, that poor baby, that poor baby...* as I kept thinking of William, Daniella, and Sofia. Later that night, I caught myself ruminating about how to best prepare for such situations. I kept thinking of floor plans of various places I have lived and spent time in regularly, how to hide, and how to fight back. Thankfully, I didn't continue doom scrolling as I was the days before. There is a sense of predictibility with the information that is currently out there. Like I've seen the videos a million times, read various stories and accounts of the families affected, listened to the survivors, etc.

The main piece of new information that has come up is the connections the shooter had to white supremacist organizations and incel ideology. Honestly, out of everything that I have found out about this incident, this is the least surprising thing especially considering 7 out of the 8 victims were people of color and because a lot of the shootings are from right wing domestic terrorists. I think there is a part of me that is still desensitized to the notion of hate crimes which part of me wants to see as an acceptance of the situation and an ability to emotionally cope with such tragedies. My therapist asked about the white supremacy part of the equation back in Tuesday to check in to see how this was affecting me but I just responded with how if there was a shooter near me, I'm not going to sit here and try to decipher what his ideology or motive may be. I'm just going to start running because I'm a target regardless of my race. Perhaps this is desensitization, perhaps this is my survival instincts kicking in before my race awareness. 

I felt better at the end of today because of the additional sleep and time off. I did dread work the day after but I tried to reassure myself that I will just have to get through Friday and then I have the rest of the weekend to continue recuperating. 

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Coping

Friday: I just felt irritated all day. I woke up this morning after another nightmare and the alarm from my phone woke me up feeling panicked first thing in the morning. I couldn't focus on work and every time a customer wanted something, I just wanted to snap at them. Thank god I don't have to handle phone calls because typing and responding to them is an easier medium to feign interest, kindness, and compassion in. During and after work, I found myself mindlessly consuming tiktok videos of god knows what I guess in an effort to drown out my thoughts and emotions around the situation. I messaged my boyfriend saying that I wanted to talk to him for no particular reason mainly because I knew his voice and his pressance comforts me. I felt frustrated leading up to the call because I didn't just want to hear his voice but because I wanted to be in his arms so that I can feel a sense of peace and to feel supported. I'm not the type of person who does this type of thing but I was just really craving attention.

We made plans before to meet up on Saturday at his house. We decided that we were going to make pizza at home and that before I got there that he was going to bring the ingrediants since I still feel uncomfortable being in public spaces. I still had a couple of crying sessions today thinking of the victims. 

Saturday: I woke up later than expected this morning and I rushed to get ready and go to my boyfriend's house since he lives an hour away. Thankfully I wasn't too late and we started make pizzas soon after. It was a fun little activity. We made enough for us two, his parents, and his mom's friend. His mom and her friend went out to some kind of town hall meeting regarding the shooting. We talked a little about it but mainly we were trying to keep our mind off of it.

Later, after we had lunch, his mom's friend left, his dad left to do some errands, and his mom went out to do some yard work. I went to my boyfriend's room and we started cuddling because I told him how much I just wanted to be held. I had a good cry while talking about my thoughts and feelings about the victims and he comforted me during that time. I felt really supported and cared for while he held me close and ran his fingers through my hair. He kept telling me how he and my friend (the one whose uncle was in the shooting) are safe and that we'll all be okay. He tried to say that change will come from this but I honeslty doubt it.  He also kept telling me that I wasn't over reacting and that I have every right to feel the way I do which made me feel validated and seen regarding my reaction to these events. We both continued comforting each other for the rest of the day until it was time for me to go. 

After being at his house, I went to meet up with another friend and their family. They just graduated and they are about to move out of college and later move abroad. This was essentially my last chance of seeing them until god knows when. I enjoyed having dinner with them and helping them pack up. It felt bittersweet since I'm definitley going to miss them, however, I'm happy about the opportunity they got and that as a trans person that they will be out of the U.S. considering the very concerning rhetoric. I still caught myself thinking of the victims. My friend had family visit for their graduation and in addition to their parents and sister, their 7 year old nephew came as well. I couldn't help but keep thinking of the little boy whose family got wiped out last week when I would talk and play with my friend's nephew. My friend did check in with me to see how I was doing and how the people I knew in Allen were doing as well. I really appreciated it but it was still challenging to stay completely present that day. 

Sunday: I woke up really late on Sunday since Saturday was a pretty long day. I was out from 11:00 am to 11:00 pm and I woke up at 10:30 am and fell asleep at 1:00 am. I was out and about for most of the day. I also had complicated feeling around mother's day pop up for me but that's a separate topic. I didn't have any nightmares the night before so that was nice even though I did a fair bit of rumination before I fell asleep. I definitly felt myself being more at peace the night before and on Sunday after being with my friend and my boyfriend. I really needed to be held by someone. 

I still generally speaking felt depressed about the situation even though I didn't have any crying spells. I tried to take my mind off of it by watching videos on YouTube but my mind just couldn't focus, not because I kept thinking of the shooting, but because I suppose I have some brain fog given how emotionally intense this last week was. I am dreading going back to work. I'm not sure how I will feel on Monday and if I'll still be irritated by having to work and live my life as if everything is normal. I have mentally made a list of all the things I want to talk about with my therapist on Tuesday given the stuff I talked about in this post and the prior posts. Overall, today was not very eventful but I think it was what I needed.  

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Healing? 

The following weeks have been rough after the first week since the shooting. I haven't been writing much mainly because I don't think I had much to write about regarding the subject since I let our a lot of my thoughs and emotions in the previous posts. 

The week after my posts, I mainly found myself feeling depressed and frequently agitated at work with the occasional crying spells. The week after that was better during my waking hours but at nights I would frequently get violent nightmares. I also kind of caught myself feeling kind of burnt out from work, mainly because I haven't really used my PTO this year and because of the emotional burden.  The nightmares have been fucking with me. Not only do they throw off my sleep schedule because I wake up in a terror and have issues with falling back asleep, but  instills this weird panic response whenever I hear my alarm go off. Granted by alarm in the morning isn't super loud or obnoxious but still, I catch myself with a really fast heart beat and shortness of breath when I wake up to my alarm. 

This last weekend was Memorial Day. I found myself feeling much better after having a 3-day weekend and a 4 day work week. I had my boyfriend over while my parents were out of town and just being able to fall asleep next to him helped me feel safe. I've only had a couple of nightmares since then. I think the decrease in nightmares is attributed to time as well as his presance. This last week was still depressing, though more mildly compared to these past couple of weeks. I think it more so has to do with my strained relationship with my parents as well as how I haven't really been going out of the house since the shooting. 

Starting with my strained relationship with my parents, or should I say my mom. The honey moon stage of me being back home has been fading in the last couple of months but I think it ended when my mom brushed off with how I felt about this shooting. A few days after the event, she asked me how I was doing and I responded with something along the lines of  *I'm just here, just trying my best to get through the day.* Mind you, this was less than a week out. And she responded with "oh, why??" Like GIRL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY?!?!?!? I managed to calmly explain that the shock of the shooting is still affecting me to which she just responded with a peppy "Oh, right" followed with nothing after. No "is there anything you want to share", no "please let me know if you need anything", no "I'm here for you." Honestly, that pissed me off. A few days later, she was like "why haven't you been going to the gym?" I then told her that I've been anxious about going out in public to which she responded with bringing up the few times I managed to get out in public and by saying how this isn't an excuse to physically let myself go. I felt really angry about this situation because of how out of touch, tone deaf, and short sighted it was. Like... where tf are your priorities?!?!?! She's more concerned about the fact that I'm not working out and me possibly gaining weight than me mentally dealing with a MASS SHOOTING. Anyways, that confirmed that even though I had a life transition that she's stil the same person despite very surface level change. I had a good crying session about this and various other things that have come up regarding my relationship with her in therapy so I have processed a lot of this stuff. 

As for going out of the house, my mom was referring to the time when I went out with my friend twice and how I had a birthday party that weekend as well. The former was with a friend who was graduating and leaving the country so those two times were the last time I could hang out with them until god knows when. The later was with a friend whom I didn't talk to in a minute and my other friend who was invited was leaving the state the next day. Other than that and going grocery shopping, I haven't really left the house. I think I got Chipotle on one day and icecream on another. But that's it. Even when I've been hanging out with friends, I've been making it a point to explain my situation so that we aren't in a super commercial and busy area because the last time I was there I started getting a panic attack out of nowhere. I've been trying to get myself to get out of the house more since I cannot keep functioning like this and because being cooped up in home with my parents is it's own kind of problem. I haven't gone out of the house since last Thursday. It's Satuday now so it's been more than a week.

Normally the gym is the thing that gets me out of the house since I work from home. Also, I think not moving around as much is also affect my mentally. Not only that, but part of me just really misses going. That's something that I'm trying to get back into in the coming week. I've tried to get myself this week and it didn't work but it is what it is. Dealing with things like this takes time and it's important to be gentle with yourself. 

And even though I'm doing better, I still feel conflicted about that. I find it fucked up that I'm able to move on from this, especially since there were 5 different mass shootings on Memorial Day weekend last week. I did feel something again, that something being a sense of pessimissm and helplessness summed up by *here we go again.* Definitely, I'm still sad but I can see the numbness creeping back up again. But at the same time, while there is a part of me that feels like I'm underreacting, there is a part of me that feels like I'm overreacting. The overreacting has to do with how everyone around me seems to be dealing with this better than I am. It's just back to normal. Meanwhile, I can't sleep because of the nightmares and I went 2 weeks having crying spells. Like I feel like I'm reacting more even compared to those who I know who live in Allen, not to far away from the mall. I feel crazy and over sensitive for acting this way despite not being there and having less proximity. Idk, sometimes I feel like I'm doing the absolute most, even while writing all of this out. 

[soos_mite_ah]

 

Quote

 

A gift shop at the gun range, a mass shooting at the mall

There it is again, that funny feeling
That funny feeling
There it is again, that funny feeling
That funny feeling

....
Total disassociation, fully out your mind
Googling "derealization", hating what you find
That unapparent summer air in early fall
The quiet comprehending of the ending of it all 

...

Hey, what can you say? We were overdue
But it'll be over soon, you wait
Hey, what can you say? We were overdue
But it'll be over soon, just wait

 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Spiral and Ego Development Check 

I do these twice a year to see where I'm at as a quick temperature check. I forgot to do one last month towards the end of April so I'm doing one now. I'm also cleaning up the posts so that it's more cohesive and doesn't have commentary and crossed off bits from the previous times I have done this. But of course, you can look this up by going to the previous post. 

On 10/24/2022 at 8:55 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Limitations/ Excesses of the Stages  (Yellow)  

Yellow (1:38:00- 1:45:00) 

Yellow is still stuck in duality. There is no possibility for deep mysticism because yellow is too stuck in the thinking mind.

Yellow is not ready to escape the mind. They aren't ready to do that yet because they are still so fascinated with different models  and concepts. Basically they can be unwilling to transcend models and concepts (1:38:56)

October 2022: Yeah,... I think I'mma  need shrooms or something for that lol. BUT only under safe conditions after my brain finishes developing

Can invent futuristic solutions that aren't pragmatic. Looks good on paper but can't actualize  (1:40:18). Can't finish something because they have so many ideas and visions (1:40:34)

October 2022: I honestly need more life experience before I get into this . That 's it. 

June 2022: I feel like I'm pretty much still where I left off spiral wise tbh. Just need to let my frontal lobe develop, gain more life experiences, and get some psychedelics lol. 

On 10/24/2022 at 9:14 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

On 4/30/2021 at 11:53 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Achiever: Though this isn't my center of gravity, there are still somethings that resonate and that I need to exhaust. I still need to figure out my career path and become financially independent from my parents  (p. 43).

• P. 43: "Achievers are more aware of their overall career path and how they got to where they are.
• October 2022: I still have no clue what I am doing career wise. Love that for me. 
• June 2023: I have a better idea as to what I'm doing career wise as someone who has a decent corporate job and is introducing herself to different opportunities within the company and outside of it. I know more about the marketable skills I have and I'm sure that I can land a really good job after milking the opportunities to develop in my current career through promotions and additional learning and development courses. I also think it's wise to stick to my current job because of its resources and stability especially given issues with inflation and the recession we are heading. Even though this isn't my dream job, it is a very important stepping stone for further career development and a life line for these more difficult times.  

Pluralist: I have worked through much of this phase but I notice myself slipping back here at times when I'm less conscious such as times of stress.

• P. 58: "Depression at this level has several facets: a) The realistic fear of being reabsorbed, that is sucked back into the “rat race” of the Achiever mindset by the demands of society; b) The dread of a routine work life that does rarely allows for individual self-expression and creativity
  • October 2022: I'm dealing with this much more intensely as I am currently applying to jobs. But I wouldn't say it's depression rather it is concern and at times anxiety. 
  • June 2023: I'm not intimidated by routine work life so long as that routine isn't exhausting and doesn't take over the rest of my life. I currently have a chill job where I'm not stressed and I have pleanty of time to pursue the hobbies and relationships that give me joy in life. But, there is a part of me that is afraid of being dragged into the hustle culture grind due to inflation and if I decide to leave the company I'm currently working at to work elsewhere. I like having work life balance and a livable wage and I wish that those things could be guranteed regardless of what job or field I'm looking at. And similar to what I said before, it feels less like depressiona and more like mild anxiety in the background

Closing thoughts: 

October 2022: Still need to sort out my career and the rest of my external life. I think that should sort out my hang ups in the lower stages.  Oh how I'm enjoying my frontal lobe developing

June 2023: I think at this point it's kind of like I mixed all of the right ingrediants and followed the correct directions to making a lovely cake and now I'm just waiting for it to bake since I put it into the oven. I do have good money management skills and I'm waiting on my savings to accumulate over time. I am on a good path career wise and I'm waiting for that to develop over time as I gain more skills and experiences and see more of what is out there. My frontal lobe development is pretty on point and I'm watering the plants that are my good relationships and I'm watching them grow and flower. I think I have a really good handle on things and I'm on track to reach various goals. And now we wait for things to finish baking. 

I think I need to do another post delving into the construct aware and strategist stages even more. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Strategist, Construct Aware, and Unitive Stages 

I reread the 9 Stages of Ego Development paper and rewatched the video yet again. I took closer notes compared to last time back in 10/2022. 

I feel like certain parts of the Stategic states are things that I'm encountering more closely right at the moment compared to before. I find it interesting how there are so many things that I'm resonating with and how there are even things that I have worked through in the not so distant past (like in the span of the last six months to year and a half). I'm also excited to see who I'm going to become in this process in these next few years and what I'm going to understand / discover about life as a whole. I feel like, if I were to roughly quantify it as a way to visualize and conceptualize my development, that I'm 15% Strategist, 60% Construct Aware, and 25% Unitive. I found the Strategist stage as a list of thoughts, emotions and experiences that I've had in the past and that I've found my own conclusions for largely but at the same time there are a handful of things that resonate with me in the present which I will be writing about below. The Construct Aware stage still feels like my center of gravity. And finally, when it comes to the Unitive stage, I can understand everything in this section on an intellectual level, but I would say that I resonate with it emotionally about half of the time. And even then, I'm think I have some ways to go when it comes to being able to embody it and fully experience it. Nevertheless, I included a good portion of things I resonate with from that section and expressed my thoughts on it.   

I'm going to list those down below as well as the ways that I'm connecting it back to my regular life and my general thought process at this time. 

Quote

 Strategist Stage

The Autonomous stage is the first level that fully recognizes the need and value for the existence of all stages both in terms of diversity in society as well as in terms of one’s own development. At least, in the ideal. The human tendency to want to be among similar people and to affirm one’s own worldview can easily lead to new forms of feeling superior and pride as a member of a chosen or special “tribe.”

This is basically the conclusiont that I have come to when I look at where I was in college compared to my peers who came from very different (usually affluent, white, and conservative) circumstances in life. Sure I can judge them for wanting to stay in their own bubbles and naturally gravitating towards people they relate to more easily. But I have to also acknowledge that I do the same to an extent. Don't get me wrong, knowing how to deal with one another is important but also taking some natural biases into consideration can help in not taking everything personally. But we still need to be aware of these biases to avoid acting on that sense of judgement and superiority. 

They also have a deeper appreciation than any prior stage of how challenging it is to be a mature, responsible adult and how rare their own capacities are compared with most other people they are in contact with. Thus, they may pride themselves of being in the know about themselves and about the larger issues facing the world. Whatever their personal expertise, it is likely enhanced by interpersonal skills and worldly savvy based on having learned from experience.

This is what I feel when I look at my mom's life and how differently things could have turned out for me if I was born in her time in India. I feel very blessed to have the life I have, from the degree of education I was able to attain, my solo travels, and the relationships, both romantic and platonic I was able to experience. I have grown so much and my world is so much bigger than that of my mom or my grandmother. In contrast, my mom lived with her family all her life, didn't have as many chances to nurture relationships outside of her family, and got an education not to be self sufficient but to eventually get married off in an arranged marriage and be a stay at home mother. My grandmother had an even more limitted life where she was married of at 14. By my age, she was married for almost 10 years and had two kids. She didn't get to start much less finish a high school education, she didn't get to travel, and she was largely confined to the home for the rest of her days. I can only imagine how much your world shrinks given these circumstances and how that can impact the way you see and interact with the world.

And even though I feel like I'm in uncharted territory as a woman who has had more priviledges than the women before me and as the child of immigrants who is navigating a world that is very different fro my parents and that feels scary, overwhelming, and lonely at times, there is an underlying bedrock of blessedness and humility in my heart as I encounter various circumstances that test me as a young adult.  It is a privelege and joy to not know what comes next when the people before you had marriage and kids map out their lives til the end of their days. 

Many Autonomous persons see life as an open-ended journey. They believe that there is no predetermined way to follow for all human beings. Each individual has to find and create his/her own life style and is responsible for his or her own self-fulfillment. Autonomous individuals are interested in psychological questions and how to come to terms with inner conflict. Unlike individuals at the conventional stages, seeking therapy, advice, or consulting from others, is not seen as a weakness, but as a necessity and an actual strength. Autonomous persons have faith in their own and other people’s capacity to make meaning out of challenges and difficulties. They can construe their own personal The Nine Stages of increasing embrace in sense without having to impose it on all others. They may also invite others’ solutions to conflict and respect their needs for autonomy.

I am feeling this open ended journey and responsibility of my own self-fulfillment in my life post grad. I'm doing my best to find what works best for me. Since I'm out of college and not constantly in a bubble of my own peers, I feel like it's easier to focus on myself and my own journey rather than measure my progress on definitions of success that don't align with me and that I am not even aiming for in the first place. And I don't judge other people's paths positively or negatively either because I know they aren't trying to go on the same path as me and because I don't know what is going on behind the scenes.  

Sometimes Autonomous persons find ordinary constraints of life stultifying such as making a living and working an eight-hour day. They see themselves as being destined for bigger tasks with a farreaching impact different from ordinary folks. They would prefer to enjoy their passions for influence and power on their own terms with maximal freedom or a mandate to do so for the benefit of all. If leading an organization to greatness is one of those passions, it may be a fortuitous match.

My 9-5 can feel rather mundane though I wouldn't say its unbearable. I wonder what else I'm capable of creating and cultivating in other career paths as well as my life as a whole. I do find myself having this thrist for meaning that I want to address in another post of its own. 

I don't feel the need to expand much on the Construct Aware Stage since I feel like it's my center of gravity and because I feel that the original paper does a better job at breaking things down than I could tbh. And if I were to copy and paste portions that I resonated with, I would just post the entire section and this post would be too long lol. 

Quote

Unitive State

Consciousness or rational awareness is no longer perceived as a shackle, but as just another phenomenon that assumes foreground or background status depending on one’s momentary attention. Persons at the Unitive stage can see a world in a grain of sand, that is, they can perceive the concrete, limited, and temporal aspects of an entity simultaneously with its eternal and symbolic meaning. Because of this unitive ability (Maslow, 1971, p. 111) they can cherish the humanness in the seemingly most undifferentiated beings and feel at one with them. They respect the essence in others and therefore do not need them to be different than they are. It is important to realize that from a unitive point of view, later stages are not better than earlier ones because all are necessary parts of interconnected reality and the overall evolutionary process. Unitive thinkers also accept themselves “as is” in a non-controlling way. No matter how great their achievements may be, they are aware that these are only a drop in the pool of ongoing human endeavors. Sensitive others are often struck by the humility and grace that they experience in the presence of Unitive individuals. Being down-to-earth (simplicity on the other side of complexity) can be one of the most salient differences between postconventional ego stages and transpersonal ways of meaning making. On the other hand, Individuals at this most mature ego stage may be perceived as “aloof,” as not enough engaged in the goals, pursuits, concerns of common humanity especially from the perspective of individuals at the Self-conscious and Conscientious stages 3/4 and 4. Even early postconventional people may be suspicious of this kind of “togetherness or groundedness.”

Reality is now regularly experienced as the undifferentiated phenomenological continuum or the creative ground of unified consciousness. Every object, word, thought, feeling and sensation, every theory is understood as a human construct: separating out, creating boundaries where there are none. The quest for meaning and connection is an essential aspect of the human condition. Giving names to experience and making distinctions is necessary for human growth, study, interaction and communication, but at the source there is nothing to distinguish.

Life is seen as a form of temporary and sometimes voluntary separation (Bodhisattva vow) from the creative ground to which it will always return and of which it is a unique manifestation. Though adults at the Unitive stage are aware of themselves as separate and unique embodiments, they also identify with all other living beings. The separation of self from others is experienced as an illusion, an invention to safeguard the ego’s need for permanence and selfimportance and to defend against the fear of its death

Unitive adults have an integrated sense of a unique identity as participants in the evolution of the cosmos. They are in tune with their precious “life’s work” as a simultaneous expression of their unique selves and as part of one’s shared humanity. They also care about the fundamental dilemma of the human condition. They work for justice, fairness, and benevolence towards all. Though taking responsibility for meaning making, they don’t perceive themselves to be the sole and lone masters of their souls as envisioned by Autonomous individuals and to some degree Construct-aware people. Ways of being are infinite. Clues for the variety of possibilities of being are offered by the study of human history, by our current experience of human diversity and likely with new forms of being human evolving in the future, in nature, and in alternative, non-waking states of consciousness. Life can appear as fulfilling a cosmic purpose and therefore it is essentially simple. Doing or thinking are just modes of existing, but not intrinsically more valuable than feeling, being or non-being. The last is probably the most difficult idea to grasp by most people who have not developed beyond the personal realm. As a Buddhist percept warns: Understanding is the ultimate illusion.

These are some segments from the Unitive Stage section that I thought were beautiful and resonated with me (especially the bolded portions). I can't say that I resonate as much with the video section of the Unitive Stage but basically my thing is that I don't care as much for transcending my own humanity. I feel like that is a sentiment and vibe I've come across in the forum and if anything, I'm interested in using spirituality to understand humanity and connect with it  more in a variety of ways rather than use spirtuality to be above humanity. Sure it will be interesting to break out of the human construct via psychedelics or god knows what else but part of me embraces the human construct and condition. I believe that conciousness reincarnates itself in all of the different forms and the reason why it reincarnates itself as human is for no other reason than to experience humanity and get to know itself fully. And I, this fragment of consciousness called soos_mite_ah, want to embrace this mission of experiencing for the sake of experiencing by embracing the constructs that I'm naturally born with from my ego to my various paradigms rather than constantly being in this constant hamster wheel of transcending and letting go. Even though there is something more out there, I know concsiousness will experience it eventually. There is no need to rush. I'm happy being present in my own humanness. 

I don't really see any of these as problems to be solved or things that I need to work through such as in the previous stages and in my previous posts. Even though my previous posts in this series focused on that more, I left out these types of reflections off for the sake of succinction and organization. It was also because some of the stages I wasn't experiencing fully at the moment but there was some unhealthy manifestations and residue that was left off from the past that I wanted to address to further my development. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Just a thought but there is something about writing on a forum about how much you have grown as a person using somewhat measurable means that feels a bit cringe and pretentious. I really hope I don't sound high and mighty and more concious than thou but instead that I show an frank take on where I'm at with my life lol.

[soos_mite_ah]

Thinking of my 16 year old self 

I think the reason why I think of my 16 year old self so much is because I'm stuck in my childhood home, because I had a lot of thoughts on how I wanted my life and adulthood to go at that age, and beause I'm healing parts of my teenage self. 

The Angst

Today, I caught myself thinking about the angstiness I had when I was 16 and the whole pale grunge Tumblr aesthetic that was popular in like 2014 ish. I thought of a lot of the things that made me angsty ranging from family issues, political stuff, learning how to deal with feelings, stress from school, dealing with the death of a loved one, and that one guy I couldn't stop thinking about at the time. Sure I can look and laugh and cringe at the way I was dealing with all of this and the silly trends that were present at the time, but I do think much of the things I was going through was valid considering I was a child with little to no guidance from the adults around me or dealing with misguided advice from the adults around me. 

Family issues: At that age I didn't know much about generational trauma and the full extent it was affecting me. There was a lot of depression that came from this notion and the household I was in. 

Learning to deal with feelings + dealing with grief from losing a bunch of family members: Again, generational trauma is at play here. I come from a family whose main coping mechanism is brushing things off and distracting oneself and it's seen as a strength to be stoic / unaffected my things. I bottled up a lot of emotions as a teenager on top of the emo kid I already was. Intimacy and vulnerability were definitely not in my vocabulary. Grief and all of the things that came along with that was also a big challenge for me at this age that I didn't really get much help from the adults around me. 

Stress from school: I took on a bunch of extra activities and classes so that I could get into a great college. I don't regret this one bit but I do think that my parents could've instilled the values of developing a work ethic and finding fulfillment in education in a less traumatic way. I had a lot of adults around me make it seem like school and the college you get accepted to will make or break your life and that really fucked me up my senior year when things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to and I thought my life was over. 

Political Stuff: I was 17 when Trump got elected and the whole campaign leading up to that was so chaotic that I just wanted to up and leave the country. And understandably so since I am an asexual woman of color who wasn't as experienced with dealing with oppression since I was in a sheltered environment with other gay POC. I think that was a good thing because I never had that sense of self hatred in me growing up but at that age I didn't know how to process the political stuff that was going on around me and I was concerned with how it could affect me and my loved ones. 

That one guy I couldn't stop thinking about: I was friends with this person and he never liked me back. I never pursued him because I had other things going on and I decided that it was best for me to move out, get therapy, and then worry about dating. And at that time, that choice not to pursue him felt like the end of the world because I thought he was a great guy. But I guess at that age, it was difficult to understand just how small my dating pool was and how small my world was when I was in highschool. It was also hard for me to imagine meeting other amazing guys as well. And at that age, I wasn't hormonal as maybe a lot of other adults would write me off as but more so lacking in life experience to have perspective on the situation. 

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Big differences between me at 23 vs me at 16 

Sense of time: 16 year old me had a very difference sense of time in terms of how long things were. At 16, the thought of spending 4-5 years doing one thing felt monumental. And understandably so because 4 years is like a quarter of your life at that age. I think it also has to do with my prefrontal cortex developing because if I recall correctly, as your frontal lobe develops, so does your ability to think and plan long term (this may also have contributed to my procrastination habit I had til I was 20ish that evened out for the most part after I turned 21). At 16, I also found inspiration in people acheiving things when they were young because to me it meant that I could also be successful quickly and my young age of 16 wasn't something that was so small and unimpactful. Now at 23, dedicating my time on something for 4+ years doesn't seem unreasonable. I'm also developing an idea as to what I want my life to look like long term.  And now I find inspiration in people who achieve things later in life because it means that I don't have to rush to figure things out and I can experience so many other aspects of life in the meantime. 

Feeling the rush to figure things out: 16 year old me felt like she needed to have everything figured out by 18. That's what my parents and teachers were telling me when it came to majors and college admissions. Also, the thought of turning 18 and moving out into college was daunting to me at the time and 18 was my scary age in terms of trying to have it all figured out. There was also a fear I had on doing something wrong and having it fuck me up financially for years which I blame much of the *millenials buy too much avocado toast and that's why they can't buy a house and pay off their student loans* rhetoic circa 2016. And at that time I didn't know how capitalism worked and how systemic a lot of these issues were. Instead, I put a lot of pressure on myself. Now at 23, I feel like that pressure to a certain extent paid off since I started working on myself and asking tough questions early. But now I'm also much more comfortable with what is my own timeline and I don't blame myself as much because while I'm late in some instances, I'm earlier in other instances compared to my peers. Over all, I feel like I'm at a good spot and I'm just enjoying myself. 

Ability to be vulnerable: At 16 I was pretty emotionally constipated, had an insecure attachment style that prevented me from deepening my friendship, had issues with communicating boundaries, had a lot of internalized misogyny, used saltiness as a way of covering up how I was actually feeling,  and thought it was a flex that I rarely cried because stoicism and having my life together was a wall that made me look put together. Yeah.... I have worked through much of that over the years

Increased life experience: I think I had a good sense of self at that age and that since then I still have the same ideals and values. But, what's different between then and now is that I have more life experience that solidifies said ideals and values and fleshes them out more due to the practical circumstances I encountered. And by fleshing them out, I mean that life experience gave me a more tangible way of seeing how my ideals and values manifest as well as add nuance in dealing with these things head on. 

A greater sense of self-efficacy: Similar to having more life experience, I also feel like I am expontentially more confident and competent than my 16 year old self because I have lived alone, I have educated myself more fully, I have travelled around, I have gotten out of my home town, have learned to drive, gotten rid of a lot of my shyness and social anxiety, learned how to speak publically, gotten a job, and gotten clearer about my career among other things. I think this life experience has also added onto the tool kit of me being able to tackle other life challenges that would have took 16 year old me down immediately. I like to think of it as me being able to leg press +400 lbs now and how that sense of physical fitness translates to other activities vs how I couldn't leg press 170lbs at 16 but on an emotional level.  

More Risk Averse / Stability Oriented: I'm more risk averse now at 23 than I was at 16 and I think it mainly has to do with COVID tbh. I also feel like now I have a less romanticized view of things I used to consider adventurous either because I got some things out of my system or I've seen other people attempt to do things and they weren't as I thought as it was going to be. I got some travelling out of my system and I lived closer to downtown and that helped me realize that I don't need to travel 24/7 to have a fulfilling life and that maybe I ddin't want to live in NYC rather I just wanted to live in a walkable area. I also realized that things like consulting, entrepreneurship, a lot of creative fields, and social media influencing aren't as glamorous as they seem and while they have their pros, they also have a lot of cons, some of which I don't feel comfortable with taking on. 

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Things I'm sure 16 year old me would be impressed by if she saw me today 

I know a lot of these things seem really basic to me now but I think it goes to show what is impressive to a 16 year old in terms of what they think having your life together looks like vs what is normal/ good at this age.  I think I'm putting this as a reminder of *hey, you're doing pretty good, younger you once upon a time dreamed of this life.*

• Me having a close group of friends who I catch up with regularly and do things like get brunch and go to little coffee shops downtown. 
• Me making decent money out of college and figuring things out in the corporate world while balancing life well. 
• Not procrastinating / having time managment skills / being on top of things
• Being in a healthy, loving, and happy relationship with the guy I'm with right now + the way I navigate romantic situations
• The places I've traveled to and the interesting experiences I have had 
• Graduating with a double major 
• Being able to confidently have an inkling about what I want with my life 
• Working out on a regular basis
• Knowing how to do my makeup and my natural hair 
• The amount of healing and self development work I have done 
• My diverse taste in music, food, etc. 
• The fact that highways don't freak me out anymore 
• The fact that I grew out of my social awkwardness 
• My ability to cook and generally look after myself (chores, doctors appointments, budgetting etc.) 
• My emotional intelligence and I guess the life experience and advice I have to offer to her lol 
• The fact that I'm not in a constant existential crisis 
• My ability to handle certain situations ranging from dealing with crazy fanatics, logistical issues, picking my battles, helping my friends etc. 

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Things I'm sure 16 year old me would be disapointed by if she saw me today 

I do take much of this with a grain of salt and I feel like working through a lot of this is me working through my inner child / teenager wounds.

• How I'm taking a slower, stabler, less risky approach to my career and how I'm not doing something super creative, adventurous, fulfilling or interesting: I've done a whole post about this before. 
• How I am still kinda chunky + have body image issues: Sometimes I feel like a teenager who is still waiting for a glow up to come but the glow up never came. I look mostly the same since I was 16 and I still have a lot of the same body image issues I had then now.  
• The fact that I still live with my parents at 23 in Dallas, TX. : 16 year old me wanted to get out of this house as soon as she got the chance. I feel like she would be pretty upset by the fact that I went to college in Dallas and am currently living with my parents. I think it would create a feeling a hopelessness and a feeling of being stuck for her.