Psychoanalyzing Myself

[soos_mite_ah]

I MOVED OUT OF MY PARENTS' HOUSE!!!

I moved out of my parents' house on 7/31. I spend much of July apartment hunting, having an existential crisis about the cost of living and the cost of rent, and dealing with various fights with my parents regarding why I want to move out now. But I did it and I found a great place that is within my budget I was hoping for. I like the floor plan, the gym, the management that seems pretty chill and on top of things, how my parking spot and washer/dryer are included without additional charges, and that it is closer to my friends and boyfriend. The two weeks leading up to me moving in just felt like nonstop zoomies. I kept envisioning all of the ways I'm going to grow as a person, how I'm going to start volunteering at the animal shelter near by, how it's going to be easier to spend time with my friends and boyfriend now that I don't live so far away, how I'm going to be more responsible / have more self efficacy and independence, and so much more. I couldn't sleep the night before the move because I was thinking about all of those things. It's been so long since I felt this excited about something to where I was counting the days and I was losing sleep like a kid going on a field trip. 

The move has gone well for the most part. I have been pretty busy this week because of the move and because of work since it is the beginning of the month and we tend to be extra busy during this time: 

Monday: Moved in, had my boyfriend over, ate dinner, and went grocery shopping. 

Tuesday: Commuted to work because my laptop charger was acting weird, I didn't have wifi yet. and because I wanted to test my commute. Had a super busy day at work and then I went to dinner with a few friends. Then my friends came over to see my new place since my apartment wasn't too far from where we were eating and my boyfriend helpped me set up the internet. 

Wednesday: Commuted to work again to get my laptop charger, went to Walmart to get some things I still needed, and meal prepped. I also finished unpacking. And finally, I had a bit of an existential crisis that night regarding how much money I was spending and how I felt a little alone in my frienships. More on that in the next post. 

Thursday: At this point I was feeling pretty exhausted from the week and work felt like hell. I did get a therapy session in as well during my lunch break. Created a maintenance request for pest control since I realized that my unit had a bug problem. A couple bugs, that's fine, but it felt like I was seeing more and more everyday. I went to Target because I needed some things but they weren't there when I went to Walmart yesterday and I was too tired to swing by Target. Then I ate dinner, paid my bills, and went to sleep 

Friday: Work felt like hell and I found out that my unit lowkey had a bug problem. It was driving me nuts so I decided to do my work day at a Starbucks because I wanted my fun little drink and I really needed to focus. I started feeling overwhelmed with work tbh. After a long day, I decided to chill in the apartment clubhouse area because I didn't want to be alone with the bugs. Then, at 6pm, when the leasing office closed and as a result I had to get back to my unit, I saw another bug. I freaked out and thankfully my boyfriend was near by so I had him kill the thing and help me clean up the other dead bugs I saw. I just felt really grossed out, nauseated, and overwhelmed. And then afterwards, we made dinner together and cuddled. 

Saturday: Spent the morning with my boyfriend, worked out, went to the movies with a friend, and then came back and ate dinner. I watched some TikToks, rearranged some furniture, and now I'm writing because I'm forcing myself to since it's been too long and because I want to clear my head of some things. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Thoughts on Moving Out

So I have quite a few things on my mind since moving out: 

Stress around finances: I will be honest and say part of it is my weird relationship around money and another part of it is me trying to adjust to being financially in charge of my life. The application cost plus deposit was around $850 which isn't even covering first month's rent. I also paid $350 to get my car fixed this month and had to pay $85 to pay for internet along with the activation fee for the upcoming month. And as usual I'm in charge of contributing to the household a little bit by doing my groceries, paying for gas, and doing social things which usually consists of about $350-$500. I'm usually used to spending $350-$500 montly but obviously, this month has been more expensive due to various reasons that consists of necessity. It's still very much within my means because of the money I saved up living at home, the amount that I get paid, and the amount I was anticipating moving out was going to cost me. I was thinking I would need to pay first month's, current month's, and last month's rent plus spending month on furniture and other expenses but I didn't have to spend nearly that amount of money.

I'm just not used to spending this much money and that gives me anxiety even though I'm not spending it frivolously. This last week I have been anxious about how much I was spending and how doing anything at all felt like I was costing myself from turning on the fan, cooking dinner, etc. I mean, I know nothing is free and that shit costs money but I guess it wasn't in the forefront of my mind since I wasn't the one taking care of all of it before now. I already have a weird relationship around money that results in a lot of guilt when it comes to spending on myself and I'm seeing it creep up when it comes to things that I really need. I found myself beating myself up for getting groceries, buying a water pitcher with a filter since the water in my unit tastes a little funny, and buying other things I needed for the apartment. 

I've talked about this with my therapist and we thought it would be good for me to see a financial advisor. About 15% of my paycheck goes into my 401k. And though I know this is important and a good/responsible financial decision, since I'm only 23 years old and retirement isn't really in my radar, it really feels like a pay cut more than anything. I'm also saving a fuck ton of money and while I have some financial goals, all of this is a little amorphous and as a result, it's like I'm in this scarcity mindset where I feel the need to pinch every penny and I don't have the clearest/ most tangible idea as to what is the numeric benefit of my 401k contibutions. 

A heightened awareness around my physical safety and well being: I guess this just has to do with me being a woman who lives alone and is getting used to it. I'm finding myself being extra vigilant of myself and my keys going out, vigilant in making sure my blinds are closed and my door is locked etc. And of course, there is also a fear of people finding out that I'm a woman who lives alone because god know what kind of sickos exist. Let's just say, I'm going to be taking some extra security measures. 

Dealing with being alone + matters around friendship after college: So this is an ongoing thing that I have been dealing with for the past couple months or so. Basically, all of my friends are busy and it's been difficult to make plans with them and as someone who has a need for consistency in relationships, this has been affecting me. I do know that I have genuine friends and that they genuinely have a log going on in their lives but it still hurts because I miss them and I enjoy building our friendship and hearing what's going on with their lives. My sense of lonliness is more about missing people and missing this area of my life that I got a lot of fulfillment from rather than any kind of self deprecation or insecure attachment.  I say this because I have felt the later in the past and this doesn't feel the same way. I would characterize it as a general feeling of saddness and a little mourning that hits you everynow and then rather this wave of anxiety/insecurity/ depression around "Did I do something? Do they secretly hate me? Am I not important to anyone and am going to die alone? etc."  

I think it especially started hitting at around June. I spent much of may isolating so that I can use time to take care of myself after the shooting. By the time June rolled around, I realized I processed much of what I was going through and that now I need to get back into  my healthy habits including working out, getting out of the house, sleeping and eating right, and making plans with friends. And by the time I felt ready to get out of my cocoon after processing a traumatic situation and start connecting with people again, everyone else was bouncing around / were in their bed rot and done with life era. I know this sounds dramatic but I don't know a better word to use but I felt abandoned in a sense. And I think given that I'm only 7 months post grad, it's hard for me to keep this sense of perspective that this might be a season and not just what my life is like now where all of my friends are busy with their lives and I'm left alone I talk to on a regular basis except my boyfriend.

I don't want to be that girl whose only friend is their boyfriend and who gets much of their needs met through a romantic relationship. Thankfully, I talked about this with my therapist and we discussed what my needs were in a relationship, platonic or romantic, and how each party in my life were meeting these needs. From that conversation, I noticed that I'm not overly reliant on my man but the big thing that he is fulfilling at the moment but my friends are not is the need for consistency. And I guess it sometimes feels like he is fulfilling so many needs in comparison is because I'm spending more time with him at this point. 

But what does all of this have to do with me living alone? Basically, while this isn't my first itme being on my own, it is my first time living alone. And I did have a little bit of an existential crisis over everything I discussed earlier likely because it's closer to the forefront of my mind and since I'm living alone for the first time, this is an adjustment. It's Sunday and I didn't have an existential crisis about this since Wednesday lol so I think I'll be ok.    

Figuring out what to do with the relationship with my parents: This is one of the big reasons why I wanted to move out. I know that living with them long term was resulting in a slow and steady decline to my mental health. And I think that financially being tied to them is also affecting my judgement regarding what I want to do with this relationship. I'm still calling them every other day for like 5 min just to let them know that I'm ok and for questions on settling in at my new place. That hasn't been bad but basically, I think it will take some time for me to see what boundaries make sense to me and how I feel about me being on my own. So far I will say, I do think I got an instant sense of peace of mind similar to how I felt when I moved into the dorms in college. But we'll see how this pans out. 

[soos_mite_ah]

A Reflection on My Habits from Earlier this Year

On 3/6/2023 at 10:31 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

But regardless of all the healthy habits I have, from working out, having a good skincare routine, going to therapy, talking to friends, being around my significant other, getting enough sleep, eating well, making decent money, journaling, meditating, volunteering to engage with my community, and picking a job that prioritizes people's personal lives over work and thus creating a healthy work place, there is a part of me that still feels like this is a massive cope against capitalism.

So out of these, I've bolded the things that I haven't been super on top of and I wanted to reflect on that a little bit. I don't have much of a skincare routine anymore other than wash and moisturize. I haven't been to therapy in like 2 ish weeks. My social life has been a bit dry. I haven't really been journalling or meditating all that much. I haven't been volunteering since I voluneteer at a school and well, school hasn't been in session during the summer months. And I haven't really been consistent at the gym for the last 2 ish weeks either. Life just happened, I moved, work got busy, and I temporarily got out of some habits but I don't see this being a long term thing. I'm pretty sure I can get back to my healthy habits soon. 

I wanted to bring all of this up because I journaled in the past on how I felt like I was coping against capitalism albeit in a healthy way using good habits. At the time I was writing my previous entry, I had been working for 2 months, I was still getting used to my job and I was having an existential crisis. And part of me was afraid that my good habits were softening the blow against the dissatisfaction I had with my job and I were to take those habits away that I would not be doing well mentally. 

I want to push back against those notions. One, I had some initial dissatisfaction with my job because it wasn't what younger me had in mind right after college and it wasn't this perfect fit with what lit me up inside. I think now, I'm in a place where I've settled into my role and I can acknowledge some of the dissatisfaction but I also found things I like about my job and I have figured out some plans for my future to look forward to (more on that in a future post).  Two, I haven't been engaging in some of the habits above and I noticed that my life and mental wellbeing hasn't dissolved. Don't get me wrong, the habits I bolded above did add to my life but I wouldn't say that taking them away took away my sense of stability. As a result, I feel that calling these habits a coping mechanism against capitalism is not accurate and that I should give myself more credit for the stability I have created for myself. Like I'm still stable on my own and I'm not in a position where I'm holding on to dear life in any aspect of my life. Honestly, out of the things I listed above, I think I would mainly start to unravel once I started neglecting my physical needs like sleeping and eating well, got into a toxic work environment, and if I lost my job. Those I'd say are more on par with coping with capitalism lol. 

In conclusion, most of my good habits aren't a cope against capitalism and a desperate hold on to dear life for my mental stability as I thought it was. Rather, they're just good habits that add on my life but I can still sustain myself without it, even though life is better with these habits.

[soos_mite_ah]

Things I've Figured Out Careerwise 

1.  A career in the care field or a creative field isn't for me and that is ok. It doesn't mean I'm any less creative or empathetic of a person in my regular life just because I don't want my career to consist of that. 
   • I did have some inner conflict when it came to taking on my current position at work because it wasn't what I envisioned myself doing growing up. Growing up I wanted to do something creative, that involved travel, and that emotionally gave back to people in some kind of social justice/empathetic kind of way. And my job currently doesn't fit that which made me feel like I was letting my inner teenager down since I was picking the stable corporate job over something more adventourous and glamorous. But I realized that not having a creative or empathetic career doesn't mean that I'm not a creative or empathetic person. And I think it's important to have an identity outside of your job as well because you are not your job and there is only so much a job can say about you and you life over all as far as fulfillment goes. 
   • This also has to do with boundaries. I realized that it would be difficult for me to do something in the creative field and do something like art (like painting, blogging, writing books, digital art etc.) professionally because making it into a job felt like I was taking the passion out for it. And over the years I realized that monetizing my creative outlets is not something that works for me and isn't something that I would find fulfillment long term. I like having my creative outlets for me just as a hobby and that's ok and that's the most meaningful way for me to embrace my creativity. 
     • If I were to do something creative, I will need to have boundaries as far as the outlets I use and how I use them. I can still embrace my creativity through my hobbies and free time in a light hearted way because my job with a good work life balance and financial stability allows me to do so. 
   • Similarly regarding care fields, I have thought about going into study to be a therapist, social worker, or life coach at one point as well. I made the decision back in college that I wasn't going to major in psychology because I knew that I have a tendency of being the therapist friend and I didn't want to double down on this unhealthy dynamic and have my career be based on that. Nevertheless, after working through my personal matters, I still found myself considering this. However, later I came to the conclusion that this is not something that I want to do professionally. Going into these kinds of fields isn't the same as helping your friend process a life transition and give her advice. While some therapy sessions are like that, you also have to deal with really heavy things such as violence, drug abuse, severe mental illness etc. and I don't thing I'm personally cut out for something like that careerwise. I'm also not willing to put myself through all of the schooling that goes with this both in terms of because it takes to long and since leaving the academic environment I realized it isn't the best fit and because academically, the subject of psychology just didn't mesh with me all that well. 
     • If I do something in the care field, it has to be something more indirect like working in the government for a social cause rather than something like working for an NGO, hospital, therapists office etc. I also engage with care related work through volunteering and I find that this works well for me in terms of boundaries. 
2. Short term and long term plans 
   • Short term: get a couple of promotions at my current place of work and work as a consultant and project manager
     • While I was in college, there was a point in time where I wanted to go into consulting and another point in time where I wanted to go into project managment. I decided that I didn't want to go into consulting in the end because of the terrible work life balance and how badly people get treated in the field. And project managment isn't something that you can get into right after college without any work experience tbh. 
     • Consulting: I wanted to do consulting initially because I liked the problem solving aspect of it as well as being able to present my analysis and give advice on a certain matter. I found out that there are consulting positions in my company and that I can get after a couple of promotions. On top of that I found out that in this company, consultants still have work life balance and the company culture is pretty chill and healthy. So in other words, if I ever want to do consulting, it will have to be at my current company because I'm not risking going into a consulting firm and ending up working the 60+ hours that is the industry standard. 
     • Project Managment: I can also get a project management role at my company relatively easily instead of having to get multiple years of experience. Yes, even when I was looking into project management since I was in school I was worried about the work life balance but again, people are pretty chill at this company and the project managers don't seem overworked or anything. If I really want to do project management, I'll do it here. 
     • My strategy for the next 3-4 years is to get a couple of promotions, milk this company for a variety of career experience and learning/ development opportunities, and then transition into journalism. One thing that's really good about my role is that I wear many hats meaning I am gaining a lot of transferrable skills that can be applicable in many different places. And even if I decide isn't the path want to take, I still have a pretty stable job here and I'm sure I can do something else instead.
       • Also, I think it's smart to stick to this company since the pay, culture, benefits, and career progression is good and I don't want to go out and deal with the recession. It's not like I'm in an unhealthy work environment or I can't pay my bills and I need to get the fuck out now. I can stick with this for the next few years and get what I need out of it while waiting the recession out. When I do make a transition, I'm going to do it in a way that makes sense and that is sustainable. 
   • Long term: get into journalism or if that doesn't work out, I can still have a stable job at my current place of employment or else where
     • Plan A: Basically, long term I want to aim to do something in journalism. That may or may not involve grad school. Ideally, I can just get a job in the field since I have a lot of transferrable skills from documenting cases, public speaking, researching, asking good questions, working with people one on one, etc. I also have a couple of bachelor's degree that can factor into my transition quite well in terms of opening up the opportunities I have. 
     • Plan B: If the journalism route doesn't work out, I have the transferrable skills to do other things or I can find a different role in this company. Either way, my short term plans builds towards both plan A and plan B and I'm still going to have a career in the end of the day. 
3. Technical work isn't for me long term
   • While I have the aptitude to do technical work, it isn't something that I am interested in or that I find fufillment in. I'm okay with the technical aspects being part of my work but I wouldn't want to have this dominate my entire role. Even though I have a technical role right not, I like the aspects of my job that are less technical and that is what I want to focus on in my career progression internally and externally from my company. But at the same time, I know that I don't want to do something in the tech industry long term mainly because of my lack of interest and as a result lack of motivation. 
4. Contrasting between what fits well for me academically, personally, and professionally
   • This is something that I think needs to be a whole post for me to dive into. But basically, just because something fits you well academically and personally, doesn't mean that it will fit you well professionally and vice versa. I think part of it goes along with what I talked about above in respects to care and creative fields where even though it fits me personally and academically that it won't translate well professionally. But there is still more that I want to say on this topic and I don't want to get off topic from this post. 
5. What a healthy and sustainable work life looks like 
   • I think it's so important that my first job out of college has been in an environment that is healthy since it has normalized a lot of good practices that I have encountered. People respect my boundaries, I've never been overworked at this role, my manager is empathetic and works with me, I am given all of the resources I need to thrive, there is little to no office politics that I'm encountering, my coworkers are chill, I have good work life balance etc. And I think it's good for me to have this baseline of healthy experiences so that I can sniff out weird workplaces ahead of time and so that I have a healthy attitude towards work. Like I have seen people who have made their job their entire personality or have normalized hustle culture and let's just say it's not a good look lol. 
6. The type of environment that works for me 
   • I have realized that I work best in a noncompetitive work environment where we are encouraged to progress at our own pace. I think that I wasn't exposed to this kind of environment at school and even though I did good in school, I didn't feel like I was thriving. While I can deal with fast paced environments that requires me to multitask and wear lots of hats (thank you ADHD), I can't deal with an environment that will put a heavy workload on me or be in a constant busy season where I'm putting in 60+ hours a week. I am someone who would burn out very quickly in that kind of environment.
   • This job taught be that I can learn a lot and make a lot of progress without over working myself or running myself to the bone. It taught me that I can learn just as much in a healthy environment in a happy season in my life as opposed to different trials and tribulations in life. It taught me that while I don't want to be a high pressure, competitive environment that I still like jobs that incorporate a variety of skills and that aren't extremely slow. In other words, working 60+ hours a week isn't the answer nor is a head empty, no thoughts slow job the answer for what fits me well. 

[soos_mite_ah]

My Dreams Have Died

I thought that this video was really interesting and that it kind of slapped some sense into my inner teenager. I grew up dreaming about being my own business owner or doing something that was more on the creative side only to realize over the years that this is probably not the path for me at least career wise. I liked the thought of wearing many hats, having a flexible schedule where I set my own hours, the creativity, the entrepreneurial spirit as well as having to be strategic with my money, time, energy, and resources.

The Birth, the Inspiration, and the Life: 

Growing up I was also drawn to the thought of having my own business because that's what my dad did and I got to see his life style as well as how that was prosperous for us as a family. We had a decent and stable income and I got to spend a lot of time with my dad as a result of him being self employed. I vaguely remember us struggling when I was a baby / toddler but I was obviously too young to understand what was going on at the time. Basically, when I was around 2 years old, my dad got laid off from his job shortly after 9/11 (likely due to racial profiling but he will never admit to that) and he struggled to find a job in the months afterwards. All I remember from that time is spending a lot of time with my dad while my mom went to work. Basically, we would drop her off at the airport because she worked at a gift shop there and then my dad and I would go to Mcdonalds where I would eat a little hashbrown and some McDonald's Sprite and play with the kids there or play by myself. And as a 2 year old, I remember just enjoying myself without a care in the world and just enjoying the fact that I get to be with my dad. 

Afterwards, my dad gets this business opportunity and starts pursuing it which then eventually turned into his career for the past 20 years. I don't remember much from this time but I talked to my dad and he told me that he and my uncle were working 10 hour days 5 days a week for 2 years. After that, once it got off the ground, they cut their hours down to something more manageable because at this point my dad was in his late forties and my uncle was in his mid fifties and they wanted to prioritize their health / family. From then on, they both had six figure incomes that were stable over the years with the occassional spikes. In most years, my dad made around 100-150k but there was a year where he made about 300k. In that year, he put aside money for my college, paid for my private school, put a down payment on a house, paid for my grandmother (mother's side) apartment (I didn't know he was paying for the apartment until about 10 years later), had money saved aside for a few vacations as a family and so that my mom and I can visit family,  and he put the money into various investments (which I'm still learning about). And I don't remember a spike ever happening because he spread out the money evenly and spent it responsibly over the years. 

As far as what I remember seeing as a child, I was put in a private school mainly because the schools in my area were kind of shitty, we got a new house that was two stories and had a pool on a discount because of the 2008 housing crisis, and we were financially stable. My dad also encountered some legal issues from people who weren't paying him for his services around 2009-2011. This caused more chaos emotionally in my family rather than financial. I didn't see any differences in my material conditions but I did remember that my dad had a short fuse, was easy to anger, and took things out on me and my mom verbally. On a brighter note, I did see both of my parents often. My mother was a stay at home mom and my dad worked about 4 hours a day on average. Sometimes he worked weekends if he didn't feel like doing something during the weekday or if it was more convenient. His schedule would be something along the lines of this: wake up any time between 8-11 , drive around to on site inspections for 2-3 hours, pick me up from school at around 3:30 and get something to eat, chill at home for a little bit and help around the house, and then do some paper work at night before bed.  He had flexibility in his schedule and he could do a lot of things remotely (as far as the paper work went). Besides the legal issues, I didn't see this man ever be stressed out with work, much less with money. 

The Fear of Death and the Reconciliation of the Fear: 

This was the life that was modeled for me. My dad also didn't have a corporate job for most of my life and any knowledge he had of the corporate world was like circa 1990. He wasn't much help when it comes to finding a job after I graduated college and I got a lot of shitty boomer career advice if I'm going to be honest. I also built up this boogey man when it came to working a 9-5 job because I saw the people around me being overworked and the job market hasn't been too good. I didn't know what people did in an office job because neither of my parents worked in one during my life time so i didn't know what kinds of roles there were, much less what I would be well suited for. On top of that, I romanticized self employment because I saw the quality of life that my dad had and I didn't know about the behind the scene downsides of this lifestyle. 

For instance, I didn't know that we had really shitty health insurance until I had a medical issue. I'm blessed to have some form of insurance in the first place but even then, the process was stressful and expensive because our insurance didn't cover much and because many doctors were not covered. I didn't know about the extent of how volatile income can be when you're self employeed until we dealt with the pandemic where my house hold didn't have an income for a solid year and it still hasn't recovered fully due to things like inflation and this recession. I'm also more aware on the way that my dad had to manage multiple sources of income and invest in properties in order to have a shot at retirement and a stable life after he stopped working.

While my corporate job isn't perfect, I do like the stable income, the amazing health insurance, and the structure of set hours. The job I have specifically also incorporated a lot of things that I liked about my dad's job: flexible working hours in the form of me choosing my shift, breaks and not being micromanaged, being remote like 90% of the time, minimum stress, and pleanty of time outside of work for me to pour into other areas of my life. I can wear multiple hats in this role and structure my time, energy, and resources in a way that works best for me specifically.  As a result, even though working a 9-5 was a boogey-man to me, at least working a 9-5 at my current job is pretty damn great. Because of the way that the company is structured, I feel like I have the best of both worlds at times. 

A Peaceful Passing and Release: 

Rambling and personal backstory aside, the video above made me revist my dream of working as an entrepreneur/freelancer in a creative field. I had a lot of creative outlets as a child and I wanted to do a lot of things, much of which that Mohuya (the woman in the video) is doing. I see a lot of myself and the dreams I had in her path as a content creator, an artist/painter, and as a podcaster. I resonate with her content as a south asian person from her experiences, to her artistic style, etc. And on top of all of that, she is living my teenage dream of doing all of that and living in NYC. However, instead of looking at her life with envy or inspiration to do the same, I find it healing that someone is living this dream and I honestly found a lot of contentment in my own life. I realized over the years that while I have many creative outlets, it's probably for the better that I don't monetize them and if I try to make money off of my hobbies and rely on them for an income, particularly an inconsistent one, I would go insane from the financial instability and feel incredibly uninspired in my craft.

Now that I'm older and I have more knowledge about the realities of being self employed, it's no longer on this pedestal for me because it comes with its own unique challenges. I also have more life experience in terms of the corporate life and it isn't as scary as it was like this time last year especially since I landed in a pretty good place (I wouldn't say I have a whole bunch of experiences, I've been working for like 8 months in this one big girl job).  And don't get me wrong, even though I have a good corporate job, I'm not lost on the common struggles people deal with in an office environment regarding office politics, commutes, long working hours, constant exhaustion, and the general capitalist hellscape it can be. I'm just lucky enough to not have to go through like 90% of that. The way I see it, yes you do need to choose something according to your strengths and interests, but you also need to know what you can and can't put up with. In other words, sometimes you gotta pick a struggle that you are best adapted to. Some people thrive and find an immense amount of meaning in a enterpreneaurial/freelance type of job despite its volatility, lack of work life balance at times when you're hustling, and inconsistent working hours. Some of us just want a regular 9-5 job so that we can pay the bills and pour into other parts of our lives and that's the way that we incorporate meaning rather than feeling trapped in the monotony. Again, sometimes it's just about what you're willing to put up with and what you can handle.   

I guess ultimately, after watching this video and reflecting on my upbringing and current career situation, I think I'm okay for letting my dream of being a creative entreprenuer die a painless and peaceful death. I feel like that is better than my dream being brutally killed when I'm faced with the harsh reality that I personally would struggle to cope with. Who knows, maybe this dream will revive in a different phase of my life where I want to take the risk and initiative in such a venture. Unlike people, ideas never fully die, rather they shift and change, and wait for a potential second coming.  And instead of feeling this sense of dispair and sorrow that is associated with the phrase of "your dreams dying", I feel content and at peace, like I have found a resting place for this dream, that it has and is fulfilling a purpose, and that I haven't left anything undone or any figment yearning for more, yearning to be kept alive. 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 3/19/2023 at 9:45 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

How Aligned Am I To My Top Values

Authenticity: I do feel like I have really authentic relationships where I can be vulnerable with people and that I have a life that aligns with what I'm currently feeling. I think working from home and my company's over all culture with how casual everything is helps me not feel like a total corporate drone, however, I do understand there is only so much transparency I can have in a corporate environment. I do have outlets to express myself in and I make time to explore interests and goals I have for myself. There are a few tweaks here and there I could make that would help me show up as more authentic but over all I feel like I'm in a good place Pretty much the same. I have a separate personality  that I portray in a corporate environment since my personality isn't very corporate America friendly. But it isn't too extreme especially since I work from home 9/10. 

Awareness: I am journalling regularly again and as usual, I'm in therapy. I'm taking accountability for my actions and I see my weakpoints, especially regarding food and body image. I'm also in a stable enough place where I can think clearer about what I want with my life over all. I feel like I could improve upon my awareness by moving out of my parent's house because I think moving into my own place can give me a more neutral setting to figure my life out. I also think that I could do more in terms of being present at my job. Overall, 8/10. Moved out of my parents' house so new score is 10/10

Justice/Truth: I volunteer for causes I care about, I continue to educate myself about different social issues, and I go to therapy to unpack my blindspots in terms of social justice. My job is for the most part ethical but I do feel that making software for property managers and land lord isn't the vibe even though over all the company culture is good and equitable and they do a lot of social responsibility stuff. I would say my job takes most of the hit on the scale so I will say it's a 7/10. Again, pretty much the same.

Empathy: I'm in an empathetic enviornment at work and I like the customer service aspect of it because I like dealing with people. I volunteer at an afterschool program and I like engaging with the kids there and giving them advice and guidance. I am dealing with somethings regarding my relationship with my parents and I think I'm dealing with that empathetically. I also have solid relationships in my life. Only thing that I would count off on is that I wish my job was more people oriented. 9/10 After working here a little longer, I found ways I can make my job more people oriented and since writing this previously, I have gotten more responsibilities in my role, some of which are more people oriented so the new score is 10/10. 

Joy: I do think I'm pretty happy overall. I have healthy habits, a stable job, good relationships etc. I do think I can do better in terms of career satisfaction but I am trusting the process. 8/10. I am doing better in terms of career satisfaction now that I have more experience and I'm more sure of my long term path. I feel like I'm on track to something that will make me fulfilled in the long run. 10/10

Peace: Similar to the previous answer, I have a very chill life and job. I have a good balance between time to myself and time with others along with a meditation practice. I do see room for improvement when I move out. 9/10.  Already moved out >> 10/10

Creativity: I am exploring my interests and I started journaling again. My job is pretty lacking in creativity and I think I can do better in pursuing some of my creative pursuits 5/10.  I would say that this is still the same because I want to focus on my hobbies more but also I have realized that having a creative job is probably not for me and that's ok. As a result, I'm putting my new score as a 9/10 since my one room for improvement is partaking in my hobbies more. 

Connecting with people: It's similar to the empathy answer. 9/10 I'm going to knock is down a little bit more because my relationships have been a little lacking but it is something I'm working on. 7/10

Learning: I think I'm learning at my job but I don't think that I feel educated. I'm pursuing my interests independently and I'm basically using life experience as the medium of learning rather than my go to which is podcasts, books etc. I think I need a break from that medium tbh. Main points are counted off because of my job. Still the same 7/10 

Freedom: My work is 90% remote. I can wear what I want, I'm not micromanaged, I have the freedom to eat and cook as I please, I don't have a commute, and I have great work life balance. I do wish I had more financial freedom and that I was making more money and I need to reevaluate my relationship with money. I also want to move out of my parents house. Most of these are a work in progress so I'm not counting off too much and I think the work life balance and freedom my job is giving me is a huge deal. 8/10. Moved out of my parents house and I'm doing well financially >> 10/10

Old score: 7.9/10  New score: 8.9/10

Things that I can do to raise this score: 

Get a more ethical job that is personally fulfilling and makes you feel educated 
Deal with some things that came up with my friendships
Engage in creative hobbies more 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

A More Materialistic Phase in My Life? 

So, I've been reflecting on what I've been focussing on lately, how my life is going now that I've moved out, and what my dream life would look like without any filters. I jotted some things down in my private journal and I noticed that a lot of my goals and the things I've been focusing on lately are pretty materialistic. Some of those things include having some better clothes, a beautifully decorated apartment, more money from my job, a career that resonates with me more etc. And I wanted to introspect as to why this was so. 

I went back to my previous post from March 2023, "How Aligned Am I To My Top Values,"  and made an updated post. I wanted to see if these desires were coming from a healthy place or if I got side tracked from what I actually care about. After making the updated post, I've basically come to the conclusion that I'm still living according to my values and that I feel relatively fulfilled in my life. I don't think I'm being materialistic for the sake of being materialistic. I think if anything, I feel rather full spiritually and content with my life but there are just some materialistic scratches that are left unscratched, especially since moving into my new place. Like the one thing that I think I've been fixated on for the past couple of weeks is shopping for a new couch. And after I made the purchase, I've just been counting down to the days it will be delivered. I've also been on Pinterest and Amazon a lot to find fun things for my new place and thinking of ways to decorate it. I'm trying to pace myself so that I don't spend a ton of money at once and so that I have time to think through my purchases and find good deals.

But yeah, a lot of my time lately has been me pouring into that and me fantasizing about my Pinterest perfect apartment lol. At the same time, I don't want to get sucked into mindless consumerism, bad money habits, and get wrapped up in compulsary and conspicuous consumption. Not to mention the amount of money I've been spending this month has been higher than usual and it isn't just because of my new expenses. 

I think also living on my own so far has lit up something inside of me in terms of being more ambitious and money motivated since I have bills that I need to pay on my own now because I'm even more mindful of how much shit costs. I've always been a careful, frugal spender but most of the stuff I was spending my own money on in the past was food and college textbooks. And then once I got my job, I still spent money regarding my wants and social activities and I also started pitching in around the house more as well as any additional expeses that only pertained to me. I was fortunate enough to not have to work through highschool and college and have my college paid for mainly by scholarship and financial aid but my parents paid the remaining amount. I'm not stressed about money but I am aware that I have more responsibility now and in a way that motivates me to make more so that I can achieve my monetary goals and meet my responsibilities more effectively. 

I think I am entering a more materialistic part of my life but I don't think it's going to dominate my life. As for the materialistic scratches that have come up such as wanting some new clothes and new things for my apartment, I feel like once I get those things, I'll be good. I don't think this materialistic phase is going to last too long tbh lol but we'll see. I'll check back after I've gotten my new couch and brought my Pinterest visions to life. 

[RendHeaven]

Material girl ??

[soos_mite_ah]

@RendHeaven

[soos_mite_ah]

I thought both of these videos were interesting: 

 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

The 2000s

I wrote about the 2000s in my journal before and recently I watched a three part series analyzing the trends of the decade. I remember when Y2K was coming back as an aesthetic, I wasn't too excited about it because I got the flashbacks of all the low rise jeans, the fat shaming, and all of the butt cracks 5 year old me saw. I feel like the older part of gen Z that was born in the late 90s had this feeling while the people who were born in like 2002 and onwards had a more romanticized view of the decade likely due to limitted memory. And while I also have limited memory in that I mainly remember things from 2005 and onwards, the 2000s always felt like a giant meme at best and just trashy at it's worst. I just get the ick when I think of the 2000s. Bryony Claire did a 3 part series dissecting the toxicity in the 2000s and I found it informative and entertianing. Of course there was the nostalgia aspect of it where I was like *I remember that * and even if I don't remember it clearly, I do remember the vibes. And while I get a general ick feeling when thinking of the 2000s, it was interesting watching someone analyze it because in the 2000s, I was too young to have the critical thinking skill to know what was going on on a deeper level. 

This is like 3 hours of content and I felt that it was pretty throrough and there wasn't a moment that I felt was boring or extraneous. The 2000s were truly a dumster fire. 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Toxicity of the 2010s 

After watching 3 hours of what a dumpster fire the 2000s were, I started thinking of the stuff that we would talk about when discussing the 2010s and 2020s (even though its only been 3 years lol) that we will look back and say didn't age well. I thought I'd just brain storm a bit. 

Unsupervised access to the internet for children:

Whenever people talk about Gen X, they think of latch key kids who were left to their own devices to take care of themselves after school since their parents were the first generation where a lot of women entered the workforce and society was still adjusting to all of that. I think Gen Z, many of whom were children of Gen X or younger Boomers, had a similar experience with the internet instead where we were left to our on devices and many of our parents didn't know shit. I remember finding graphic hard core porn on Tumblr, seeing people get decapitated, seeing penises of 40 year old men at 13 because my friends and I thought it would be a good idea to get on Omegle during school, people getting groommed on Kik, paths leading to the alt-right and more. Meanwhile, my parents barely know what meme is.  

I wonder what discussions around internet safety and media literacy is going to look like going forward. I feel like there is some progress being made in terms of the rise of commentary videos, people publically talking about things on social media etc. I know the rise of the Gen Alpha iPad babies are becoming a concern in terms of screentime and emotional regualations. And this maybe an unpopular opinion, but I don't think the iPad babies are going to be that bad. I feel like the same arguements were made for things such as the Nintendo DS and PSP when I was growing up and I feel like people were making the same arguments for cable TV. Don't get me wrong, screen time is a problem, but it's a problem that is evolving and no generation is really exempt from it tbh. So lets not think that Gen Alpha is going to be a cohort of demon children due to the iPad baby phenomenon.

Gamergate and the rise of the alt right: Much of this is I believe attributed to the rise of Donald Trump as well as a backlash against 3rd wave intersectional feminism. Despite the dumpster fire that was the 2000s, I do think that we shifted even further right after 2016, albeit a portion of the population. And of course, you have the polarization that came with all of that. I know I can probably write so much more on this but at this point it feels like pointing to the obvious. 

Rampant consumerism when it comes to makeup:

I have watched people do entire deep dives on the beauty guru phenomenon and the drama that was there. I do think that the ways that beauty gurus made a fuck ton of money from YouTube, brand deals, and were being sent tons of free stuff really catapulted the perception that being a influencer, especially beauty influencer, was a lucrative business. One distinct memory I have is watching the makeup collection videos of various influencers out of this morbid curiousity. It was like looking at someone having their own personal shop. 

I think I saw a couple of commentary videos talking about this phenomenon in depth and I think we're at the point of cringing a little at this era since the makeup trends went from what was borderline drag makeup to the minimal clean girl aesthetic. I don't think the rampant consumerism went anywhere rather it was transfered to the 8 step korean skincare routine instead. I think a lot of the influence around this heavy makeup style was a combination of gay rights being more of a thing in this decade (hence the influence of drag), influencer marketting since the beauty gurus got money to push a ton of products and show off what they had, and the availability of makeup tutorials where people wanted to do crazier things with makeup.

I don't think that the 2016 makeup style has completely gone away. I feel like you see it more with people who are really into makeup and like using it as a creative outlet and you do see it with hyper femme gays rather than the general trend among the normies. Sometimes you see it in a more formal setting where people just wanted to do their makeup a bit heavier. But I think there are parts of 2016 makeup that has been retired from the crusty matte overlined lips, the anastasia dip brow instagram eyebrows, and the unblended contour. Don't get me wrong, we would still roast people for that in 2016 because it meant they couldn't do their makeup well but since the pendulum has swung to the opposite direction, it feels even more stark. 

The romanticization of mental illnesss:

 

I think this is much more of a tumblr thing if anything. I remember people romanticizing anxiety, depression, and eating disorders and it was generally speaking really cringy. I think that it was a product of the stigma around mental illness and it also doubled down on it while making it more visible in a sense. But over all, I think it was shitty in the way that it affected people and impressionable young people to think this was cool. I do remember there being much more of a stigma around mental illness and therapy in the early 2010s and it decreased towards the later part of the 2010s. I think it decreased a lot more after the pandemic since mental health issue was pretty rampant and it was something that was much more discussed with self care and wellness being emphasized more in the 2020s (more on that later). 

Cultural Appropriation: 

I feel like cultural appropriation was everywhere in the 2010s from the 2014 and onwards. The Kardashians were really at the forefront of this in the way that they would steal from black creators and small businesses and how whenever they did things associated with blackness (corn rows, street wear, wigs, long fake nails, BBLs, fake lips, speaking in AAVE, the blackcent etc.) they were praised for it whereas when black people did the same things or if they naturally had the features that the Kardashians had, they were often deemed as ghetto and ugly. Blackness was very much seen as a trend in this decade. Since I grew up in a predominantly black area, I was exposed to how all of this affected my community and discussions around cultural appropriation were common place. But I do remember people from predominantly white areas using black culture as a costume of sorts as a way to make themselves seem cool or hard. I remember feeling really weirdly about upper middle class white kids "acting hood." Like especially with the music they listened to (i.e. the frat guys who were waaay too into Travis Scott and Juice Wrld), they would often listen to the black artists that I remember typically other black people wouldn't listen to. And I have a theory that this happened people some of those artists reinforced stereotypes that white people had of black people and they romanticized things in hood as dangerous and sexy and a lot of black people just didn't resonate with that.  

And it's been weird in the 2020s so far with a lot of celebrities that took on this culturally appropriated aesthetic and shedding it to go back to whiteness or whatever is trending now. Think Kim getting rid of her BBL and all of her curves and Ariana changing races again. 

Wattpad: I'm just gonna leave this here

The normalization of plastic surgery: While plastic surgery was mainstream but still shamed in the 2000s, I feel like plastic surgery became more accessbile in the 2010s from BBLs, lip injections, and the phenomenon that was Dr. Miami's content. I think there was a change in tone when it came to plastic surgery from the 2000s to 2010s wheras in the latter some people even thought it was empowering due to choice feminism and girl boss feminism. Basically, choice feminism is the belief that a woman's choice is inherently empowering because she is the one doing the choosing and girl boss feminism is the notion that something is empowering just because women are in a position power. As it relates to plastic surgery, I think people write off on how damaging it can be when it comes to painting this as an empowering choice for women. Because even though you're making this choice yourself, you choice doesn't exist in a vacuum. And don't get me wrong, not every choice a woman makes has to be empowering for women kind, she's allowed to make choices that make her feel good on an individual level. But I think it's important to have self-awarenss on this matter instead of perpetuating this idea that plastic surgery is empowering to women overall. 

Girl Boss Feminism + Hustle Culture: I touched on this in the section above but I feel like the 2010s and third wave feminism kind of brought intersectionality in the form of identity politics more so than critiquing capitalism. Don't get me wrong, identity politics and representations are important but when they are by themselves with no anti-capitalist critique, you can fall into the trap of perpetuating the same unjust system but with diverse group of oppressors rather than only straight white men. Girl boss feminism came with this notion that women led businesses were better and more empowering for women despite the fact that even these work places weren't immune to the shitty work conditions and the power imbalaces that are incentivized by capitalism. I also think that with girl boss feminism and the internalized misogyny from the early 2000s about needing to thrive in male dominated space, being an NLOG, rejecting your femininity, working yourself to the bone, etc. we basically gave a whole generation of women who are Millenials and Gen Z the message that "you can be anything." But instead, that got twisted to "you have to be everything." I believe there is a whole backlash and critique that we are seeing in the 2020s with the glorification of the soft life and being a stay at home wife (and even girl friend in some situation?!?!) which is a can of worms of its own. 

I also feel like hustle culture was emphasized more in the 2010s after the 2008 recession. It mainly has to do with how we have to have side hustles and participate in the gig economy for more money to "make it" compared to how most of our parents had get a degree and a 9-5 corporate job to have a stable life.  Obviously, there are things wrong with the 9-5 corporate work structure but that doesn't mean that self employment is the right answer for everyone. I think hustle culture basically burns people out, isolates them, and we end up taking our exploitation into our own hands since we are still under late-capitalism. I think elements of flex culture and influence culture overlap here as well. 

 

Closing thoughts: This is by no means a comprehensive list but these are general things that were toxic in the 2010s that I could think of off the top of my head. I'm sure as time goes by and as we progress that there are going to be even more things on this list that would make various things in the media at that time very dated and labelled as not aging well. 

I think that the 2010s were a dumpster fire similar to the 2000s but a different flavor. While the 2000s in my mind were more trashy in the form of slut shaming (and shaming women in general), internalized misogyny, trashy TV, rampant homophobia and ableism, and "edgy humor" etc. the 2010s was a dumpster fire because of the chaos due to late stage capitalism in the form of consumerism, girl boss feminism, and everything to do with Donald Trump, the shit that you can get exposed to as a child on the internet, and the foolery that comes with that from mental illnesses, groomers, the alt right etc. 

Edited August 28, 2023 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

The Toxicity of the 2020s  Part 1

I know it's only been 3 year but I have some ideas that I wanted to jot down here so I can write and expand on it later: 

Wellness Culture: There has been a spike in wellness culture since the COVID 19 lockdowns happened and a lot of people wanted to focus more inwardly, take care of themselves mentally and physically, and pick up some healthy habits. I think while the 2010s had the IG baddie as the archetype that was more mainstream that influenced many trends from the beauty standards, fashion, flex culture etc, the 2020s has That Girl.

I remember posts from as early as 2016 of little starter packs labeled as "that girl who genuninely has her life together" containing things like having a workout routine, a balanced diet, a super colorful and comprehensive notebook for class, good grades, a healthy social life etc. I also remember seeing posts that were labeled along the lines of "that girl that always smells good / is clean and put together" which paved the way to the current Clean Girl aesthetic. Both That Girl and Clean Girl revolve around wellness culture which can include things like prioritizing your mental health, journalling, eating healthy food, working out, skin care etc. And while I think all of this is good, there are toxic ways that this has manifested with people treating wellness as a list of to dos (such as journaling, having a gratitude journal, having a 2 hour morning routine) instead of implementing thing that actually works well for them. It also manifests as diet culture where there is this notion that That Girl has a certain look (skinny but also really toned) and it involves not eating much and exercising excessively under the guise of health.

There is also an undercurrent of perfection as well which points had this desire for control as well as being this hypothetical ideal woman. I think this desire for control from things like self care and self improvement is a coping mechanism of sorts during these chaotic and uncertain times. I think the That Girl/ Clean Girl aesthetic also doubles down on patriarchial standards under late stage capitalism. That girl consumes wellness culture and has all of these fancy supplemants and greens powders. That girl has a super complex workout routine to achieve that thinness ideal that makes her look so well put together. That girl has expensive organic produce made with the "cleanest" of ingrediants. That girl wakes up at 5 am, has a two hour morning routing, followed by an 8-10 hour work day where she's making bank, and maybe some social plans afterwork and she balances all of this effortlessly. That girl has naturally perfect skin where she looks put together without makeup and she has an expensive skin care regimine, gets waxed regularly, gets her eyebrows done, has a fresh set of nails, and facials every month in the name of self care. And while all of this sounds like a lot of effort and sounds really expensive, it is, but That Girl does all of this effortlessly because its part of the feminine performance because she is That Girl.

I think that if we have a very surface level view of wellness and we don't use these habits as a way of checking in with ourselves rather we use these habits as a trend, it's easy to fall into things like putting in an unrealistic amount of labor in our day to day lives that makes us exhausted rather than adding to our day, orthorexia and other eating disorders, and compulsory overconsumption in the diet and beauty spheres. You don't need to wake up at 5 am where you insert a workout, do some bullet journalling, and a whole beauty routine in order to have a productive day that leads to your over all success. You don't need to have a million supplements and foods with the cleanest ingrediants to live a healthy life and have a healthy relationship with food. You don't need an 8 step skincare routine and a new set of nails each month in order to take care of yourself. You don't need to be constantly doing things from 5am to 9pm to have a well rounded and healthy life. That doesn't mean that you can't do it or it's wrong to do it but we need to be mindful of the habits that actually benefit us and the habits that are pushed on us in the name of wellness that can do more harm than good for our mental health and finances. 

Ageism: I think that Gen Z has a real problem with agism. I can get it to a certain extent but I think there are people who take it to far. Let me explain. I think it's understandable why Gen Z is frustrated with older adults. A lot of Boomers and Gen X had affordable college, houses they could buy in their 20s, and could afford to settle down and have kids with little to no issues but over the years, these same generations inacted policies that didn't let our generation have the same oppportunities. And in the mean time, the old people are gaslighting us about not working hard enough or for us spending money on too many lattes because they are out of touch on how everything has gotten more expensive but wages haven't kept up. Not only that, but a lot of old people do have less than progressive views on women and gay people etc. (but lets be real, Millenials and Gen Z, aka adults under 45 aren't immune to it either). And they're the ones who have the most representation in the government while the rest of us who are struggling to get by don't have much of a say. 

The frustration against boomers is valid. What I think becomes a problem is when things like anti-aging and hating old people just because they're old becomes mainstream. I think there is a section of Gen Z that is terrified of looking older because of all of the memes of "this is how you age when you're unproblematic" that insinuate the corrleation of youth and beauty with moral superiority, and the trend of the 8 step Korean skincare routine with a heavy emphasis of looking 25 until you're 75. There is a lot of white Gen Z that makes fun of trends that Millenials and Gen X popularized, and while I get cringing at trends that were popular when you were in middle school, sometimes I look at these white people like *it's so clear that you didn't grow up in a multigenerational household.* And I think it can be harmful to immediately assume that young people are inherently more progressive because that negates the progressive works of the people who came before us and it doesn't acknowledge that there are plenty of bigotted weirdos among our generation. Lets not forget that the eldest Millennials are like approaching their mid 40s even though the Boomers in Fox News likes to paint Millennials and Gen Z as young people in high school, college, or people who graduated college like less than 10 years ago. And I know pleanty of people from my age to age 45 who have questionable views lol. Sure, our generation is generally more progressive, but it's because of our material conditions compared to that of our parents and grandparents, not because of our youth. 

The first part of ageism has to do with ageism against older folk. Another part of ageism has to do with children. I understand the push back against having kids in this economy and how many women of our generation are independent enough financially to not have to be held hostage in a toxic marriage and start pushing out kids as fast as possible. My mom for example is a younger boomer (born in 1965) and she grew up in a time where in her childhood, women couldn't have their own bank accounts. And it wasn't super encouraged for her to have a thriving career. Society saw her as a future wife and mother because that's what you do as a woman and that's how you get a man to take care of you financially. That sentiment is still there, but it's less so in my generation. And as a result, we have more of a choice on whether or not to have kids, which again, is a good thing. 

However, there are some people who take this too far and get this general disdain for children to where they think that children shouldn't be in public places / settings and that children are these demonic crotch goblins that are this financial and emotional burden. And yes, children can be a lot but they're still people and they deserve basic respect. And they're in the process of learning to be a person, they're not going to be as emotionally regulated as an adult nor are they going to sit quietly in a corner the entire time. That is fine. They are where they are supposed to be developmentally. And while there is nothing wrong with wanting to be child free as a personal decision, that doesn't mean that you're entitled to always be in a child free space. 

Concerning trends for women: I'm mainly talking about the Soft Life / Stay at Home Girlfriend / Finding a Provider Man trends. Listen, I get it. Girl boss feminism has been exhausting and didn't do a good job in addressing systemic issues pertaining to capitalism and it leaned too heavily on identity politics. We are a generation that was told we can do anything but it manifested in the expectation of having to do everything from working full time, splitting all of the bills, but still doing all of the household chores and child rearing. But the answer isn't to check out completely and become a stay at home girlfriend. There is a reason why we fought against that so that we can get jobs, a bank account etc. Getting a rich man and becoming a stay at home wife does seem easier than reckoning against late stage capitalism because you can offshore that responsibility to the man and you can have the fantasy of stability. And as a feminist, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with being a stay at home wife and raise your kids. But I do think it is dangerous to rely on a man financially without any plans of protections. If you're going to do this get a prenup, stay involved in your industry through volunteering / furthering your education, and don't let people walk all over you just because they are bringing in the money. Have an escape plan in case things get fucked up and have something to fall back on. Don't be stupid while doing this thinking that being a stay at home wife will solve your problems. And definitely don't be a stay at home girlfriend because that doesn't give you any legal or financial protections

I also think this trend is not only a reaction against capitalism but also a reaction against how men and women evolved with feminism over the years. While women have gained more autonomy in their career and finances, in the mean time, men didn't get socialized to contribute to the household in terms of chores and emotional engagement. So now, you have this "50/50" situation, which is actually 75/25 if were being honest, where while both men and women are contributing financially but women have to do everything when it comes to managing the household from cooking and cleaning, child rearing, and family planning (i.e. taking the kids to extra curricular, planning vacations and other family activities etc.). A lot of men like the aesthetic of being the man of the house and being a husband or father but aren't willing to put in the work or think that the work is only bringing in money. And some women who are part of the Soft Life / Finding a Provider Man life see the dynamic of a man bringing in all of the income and them doing the work in the house as more along the lines of 50/50, which I think is a fair assertion even though that version of 50/50 is not the most equitable in terms of giving women protection in case the marriage becomes toxic (unless you do it right and take precautions). I think the answer is not to go back to the traditional gender roles but to socialize men to contribute to the household in terms of chores and emotional engagement so that there is a more even division of labor in the relationship outside of careers since in most instances both the man and the woman works. 

In conclusion, the  Soft Life / Stay at Home Girlfriend / Finding a Provider Man trends address a real dilemma regarding late stage capitalism and the gender roles of today but there are better ways of handling this matter. 

The alpha male podcasts: I don't feel like expanding on this. I feel like this is pretty self explanatory lol. 

The rise of loneliness on a systemic level: This mainly has to do with the disappearance of third spaces, long working hours due to inflation,  and people being more isolated since the pandemic and how people need to touch grass but the grass is sometimes not there. I think this rise of lonliness and desire to have some form of control and meaning in these chaotic times is why there is so much radicalization on the internet and variety of mental health issues. I think this is something that a lot of us are aware of even more so after the pandemic revealed this more explicity and I really hope we have more walkable communities and third spaces in the future as well as more work life balance and benefits so that we can look back at the 2020s and cringe while acknowledging how far we have come. I really hope that we design systems so that the generations in the future are not as chronically online as we are. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Thoughts on 1 Month Living Alone

August 31st marked me living by myself in my new apartment for a complete month. I journaled a bit about what living alone for one week felt like here: 

I wanted to revisit some of the topics as a way of reflecting how I feel now: 

Stress around finances: I feel like I have a better relationship with finances earlier this month. I paid all of my bills and I did have quite a bit of things that I had to get for the apartment including a couple of larger expenses. And while that was anxiety inducing, even after spending much more than I normally do and without constantly looking at how much money I had left, I ended the month still being able to put $1000 into savings. Of course, this is less than what I normally put in savings but the fact that I was going all in when it comes to my expenses and I was still able to have a good chunk left over, I felt good about my current financial standing. 

I also did some calculations and I realized that I have 6 months of an emergency fund saved up as well as enough money to buy a car if I need it. I'm not planning on buying a car any time soon since the one that I'm borrowing from my parents is working fine and since I don't know if I'm going to live in Dallas in the long term. But it's still nice that I have the option if things came up. I'm projected to have about $40k saved up by the end of this year. 

I think after another couple of months I won't have much stress around finances because by then my big furniture purchases will be taken care of and I will be used to getting money taken out for bills and stuff. 

A heightened awareness around my physical safety and well being: I mentioned that this likely has to do with me being a woman who lives alone and is getting used to it in the pervious post. And I stand by that. It just took some getting used to and now I'm pretty fine / secure. 

Dealing with being alone + matters around friendship after college: I think this has gotten better after I met with friends here and there. I guess I was in the process of shifting my priorities again and also kind of mourning the phase in my life where I could pour into my friendships more. Bottom line, the lonliness isn't really hitting the way it was earlier this month anymore.   

Figuring out what to do with the relationship with my parents: I'm calling them about once every other day for 5 minutes. That seems manageable. I also noticed in some instances that I have this feeling of obligations towards them and that setting boundaries is harder because I feel the need to justify myself. I'm also not thrilled about my "family responsibilities" because they fell unfulfilling and obligatory and honestly, calling them feels like a chore that I'm tied to since I don't have much of a relationship with them. That's a conversation I will be having with my therapist. 

Other observations: 

• My relationship with food and my body image has improved a little. 
• It's easier to wake up early in the morning because I'm not experiencing the revenge bed time procrastination. 
• The thing that I hate most about living by myself is cooking on a regular basis. I hate it but I'm slowly getting used to it. 
• I feel like I'm eating different iterations of the same 7 meals on repeat. I feel silly about this but I'm not beating myself up because atleast they are balanced and I'm eating vegetables. It's not like I'm eating instant mac and cheese and dino nuggies everyday so I'll count that as a win. 
• I'm handling things well financially, emotionally, and mentally and this experience is making me feel more confident in myself. 
• There are certain conversations about my parents that I feel safer having since I'm not nearly as financially tied to them. I'm still using their car and I'm still on the family phone plan though. I'm just not ready for those conversations since I'm still figuring out how things will go down and how to handle things. 
• I'm less scared of / grossed out by bugs. 
• I mentally feel like I've bounced back from living with my parents and I feel much more safe and stable as far as my mental health goes. I have much more peace of mind. 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Toxicity of the 2020s Part 2

The old money aesthetic: So the old money has become popular now that the logo mania trend as died down along with the fashionability of things like street wear and hypebeast type clothing. Some dub this "recession core" because of the way that rich people try to be more discreet with their flexing during times of economic downturn, likely to not draw attention to themselves and become more of a target to the 99%. But of course, not all of this is motivated by fear. Some of it also has to do with how luxury has become mainstream and even the middle class can treat themselves occasionally to high end brands like Gucci and Louis Vuitton and the rich people want to show that they are better than that. The old money and quiet luxury aesthetic often displays plain but high quality items for an exhorbitant amount of money (think a turtle neck for $2100). These clothes come from a select number of brands and if you aren't shopping from them, they probably just look like ordinary clothes that don't cost a fortune. However, this is kind of a "if you know, you know" kind of situation where if you're in the club of rich people and you do shop from these stores, that's the only way you can recognize these pieces. But that doesn't stop people from making pinterest mood boards and trying to find dupes at H&M to appear to look rich. 

My thing with this aesthetic was that back in like 2017 ish, I stumbled upon it and I thought it was cute. It looked polished and put together but also kind of relaxed. This was at around a time in my life where I wanted to feel and be more grown up because that's what was expected of me and because I was cringing at the thought of "being stuck in a phase." (side note: I'm so glad people talk about being in various "eras" now because I think that it made phases more acceptable and fun. I think the reason why being in a phase, whether that be in an emo phase or what have you, was looked down upon was because things that are seen as temporary was seen as you not knowing yourself or immaturity wheras now, having an era is kind of you having fun with things while recognizing that things are temporary and you will continue to evolve and experience new things). I wanted to feel like I had my life together, that the clothes I had were classic and well made so that I won't have to switch them up because they didn't last me long or because they were outdated/ didn't match with anything. I wouldn't say that I was obsessed with this aesthetic but I did like it. 

But now, I'm just so fed up with it because I think it has taken on a life of its own. Like, why are we making dressing like the "my dad is a lawyer meme" but make it fashion the trend especially with everything that is going on right now. I really like The Financial Diet's video on this and here are some comments that I liked: 

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I think that the glorification of old money has to do with wanting to have wealth due to the gap widening but also looking down on wealthy, “new” money people as classless, show offy etc. I put new in quotes because I’m sure actual old money people aren’t somehow the exceptions of human nature and inherently better than new money. Basically, the glorification of old money by people who will never encounter them is dripping with envy, in which you want to live like the rich but also indicate that you’re better than that. 

As much as logomania as an aesthetic was annoying, I can’t help but feel the bland beiges and lack of ornamentation or self expression has its roots in Protestantism mixed with capitalism. You look down on what you consider gaudy as self indulgent while still associating wealth with virtue.

(To add to that, I would say that rejecting new money is also kind of linked to the rejection of hustle culture because to the ease and soft life associated from being born into wealth instead of having to be on the grind)

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I'm German. If you're old money here , it means your great-grandparents did shady stuff between 1933-1945, absolutely zero exceptions.

(I cackled when I saw this comment ngl)

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I have another theory: With economic instability, people long for durability etc. and that'll be reflected in aesthetics. You add fast fashion and the fact that most people walk around with bad looking shein clothes, many want to distance themselves from that. It's not individuality and trendiness that counts anymore but more a sense of class, quality and durability. At least that's what I see happening around me.

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Yes my friends at university went to school at the same place as Kate Middleton, and another had loads of horses and lived in a massive house. They usually wore Primark (£5) leggings that had holes in them, and sweatshirts. Then they would do things like go on a night out and book a same day flight to the Mediterranean, and turn up there. Then you’d notice they were rich.

(As someone who went to school in a wealthy enviornment, I can agree on the fact that people with money aren't out here dressing in the old money aesthetic. At least in my experience, they were wearing a lot of lululemon which isn't cheap but doesn't exactly scream wealth, class and elegance)

But of course, there is the inherent classism, exclusivity, fatphobia, racism etc. that comes along with this aesthetic. I find it ironic that despite everything that is going on right now and how Gen Z is pretty progressive on economic matters that this aesthetic still remains a thing though I think it's much more of a fantasy than anything. Idk, I'm just tired of seeing this everywhere and I'm sure we look like abosolute clowns to the rich in the way that we are trying to emulate them as they continue to oppress us. 

8 step skincare routines + consumerism + micro trends: I touched on the whole anti aging bit when I wrote part 1 of this post but I just wanted to expand on how the whole extravagant skin care routine is incredibly costly and wasteful. It also just pisses me off that aging is so demonized and these products are so heavily pushed to where you have 14 year old who are just going through puberty doing things to prevent aging.  That literally made me want to scream. Plus you just have so many people trying to sell you shit with how mainstream things like botox, filler, face lifts etc. and sometimes I just feel bombarded by this whole thing because of how much they are pushing this conpulsory consumption. There was also this filter on TikTok that is pretty popular where it shows you how you will age (and low key it's accurate to a certain extent because people put this filter on young pictures of celebrities and compared that to what they look like today). And there are so many people who were just straight up disgusted with what they saw and I couldn't help but feel so icky at looking at those reactions. 

On top of this, you have also have all of these mico trends to where you can have something you bought like last year and now influencers are talking about how it's cringe and dated. Like.... stfu and touch grass... PLEASE!. And I know this is a ploy to get us to continue consuming because that's how they make their money. It's just so wasteful and it exasserbates the problems we have with fast fashion and how it contributes greatly to the climate crisis as well as labor exploitation globally. 

Not only that, It's also annoying to see people turn into ads in the name of being a creator. Like no, I don't want to hear about your Amazon storefront and how I need to run to get this new thing and I don't need to see your collection of things on your desk, your suitcase, your vanity etc.And thankfully, my algorithm isn't filled with this type of content, but I still do encounter it.  I don't care about this. But also, I do care about this because so many people at this time feel like they need to get a side hustle to get some extra cash and social media is seen as an accessible way of doing this because you are exposed to so many people doing the same thing. And I can empathize with the hustle but also be annoyed by it.

The Misinformation Age: While information is more accessible than ever, not all of the information that is accessible is good information. Conspiracy theories go viral quickly and anyone can be considered an expert on anything without having the necessary qualitfications. Even though there is good things out there on the internet and you don't have to be institutionally recognized to have expertise, that doesn't mean that this is the case for every self proclaimed expert on the internet, nor does it mean that things like having degrees and certifications aren't important. 

With all of this misinformation and people claiming to be experts on things, whether it be on money, relationships, food, mental health etc., without qualifications and they are getting compensated well with social media as their form of income and legitimacy, there is a rise of anti-intellectualism. And to a certain extent, I get it. The cost of college is astronomical and people are questioning on whether or not it's worth it given the student debt crisis. And I'm willing to argue that having a college education isn't a financially great choice (hell, I'd even say that a lot of us were scammed), but that's not because college doesn't teach you shit, it's because of how profit driven the university system is. There is a reason why these instutions require you to have a PhD and why to do proper research there are rules and regulations and your things have to be peer reviewed by other experts in the field. Do these systems have their flaws and biases, absolutely. But is what they are producing more high quality than "research" you have done by just looking at the first page of Google and a couple of YouTube videos and podcasts you have cited from gurus you trus. YES, 100%! And there is an importance of learning from these places that is harder to replicate on your own from what you search on the internet and what books you read. 

Sure, there is a lot of good information in books and the internet, but there is also a lot of bullshit out there that can be hard for the average person to sift through if they don't have a solid foundation of knowledge about certain topics. And as flawed as the university system can be, it does do a much better job at sifting through that bullshit when teaching you with people who have years of mastery on a certain topic there to guide you and call you out on your bullshit much better than any Joe Rogan podcast you will watch about biohacking. 

And of course, defunding arts education and reducing the importance of social science classes in favor of STEM subjects since they are thought to yield to higher salaries definitely doesn't help and the lack of critical thinking skills shows. Tackling the topic of misinformation is a problem both digitally and politically and things aren't looking so hot right now. 

[soos_mite_ah]

More Thoughts On Motherhood 

I have a bunch of reasons why I'm hesitant of having kids and why I'm thinking so hard about this. Some include the following:

• my ability to deal with a variety of situations from a child being born with disabilities to tragedy being struck on the child to where I have to be a fulltime care giver for the rest of my life
• the current state of the world regarding climate change and the such
• how draining kids can be and the thought of *what if I love my kids but end up hating motherhood* (particularly when it comes to the baby stage)
• how final this decision is
• how terrifying pregnancy, birth, and postpartum can be

But I also have reasons for wanting kids as well. My main appeal is that I want to watch someone learn and grow from the very beginning. I think it's a beautiful and miraculous process to watch a baby who can't do much slowly start to walk, talk, eat on their own etc. up until they grow into an adult with their own thoughts, experiences, ideas, and personality. I would love to be there by someone's side, guiding them and connecting with them with various stages of their development so that they can discover and grow into themselves. I want to guide them through various things in their lives from their first steps, educating them, showing them a range of life experiences through travel and exposing them to a wide array of people. I also want to guide them through messier parts such as dealing with mental health matters, teaching them to stand up to other kids, having awkward but necessary conversations around relationships and sex, helping them with their first break up or rejection, dealing with difficult classes and poor grades, and helping them through any other challenge that life throws at them. 

I find the development of children as incredibly facinating. I'm interested in all of the ways that our upbringings can affect us into adulthood and it would be an honor if I could contribute that to someone in a positive way. I love learning about different methods of parenting and the lessons you can teach you kids through those methods and through various mundane things in life. I find it incredble on how structured and stable your life has to be to raise kids in a healthy way in terms of having your finances, marriage, health, career, emotional matters, and your community set. I find getting your life together and all of the moving parts to being a good mother as a challenge I'm willing to take on and grow from.

Not to mention I want to grow and learn from my kids and see the consciousness from my family line grow and develop past me. I know there are some people who are super attached to the baby phase because they want a cute little thing to take care of but my appeal in motherhood comes from raising a kid instead. I want them to be different from me. I want to learn from them and revisit parts of my own inner child and really take a good hard look at what I went through and what they are experiencing and growing from. I want to know their differing opinions and concerns, have them set boundaries even if they are applied to me, and hell even talk back to me because while I see the power dynamic and I have the knowledge that there are some things that kids can't do, I don't see myself as an authortarian figure rather I see myself as a mentor and I still see them as a person worthy of their own rights and identity. (Also I find it super weird when people say they want a "mini me" or when there are some people who want to be parents or go into teaching because they like the idea of having power over kids who are dependent on you). 

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I also see myself as someone who is very easily satiated by life. What I mean by this is that I am the opposite of insatiable. There are some people who desire really big lives with a lot of things going on. There are people who want to spend their lives travelling. There are people who spend their entire 20s partying. There are people who needs indulge in various luxuries, not because they are snobish, but because they have the hunger for these experiences and rather than enjoying them unconciously, they really savor them. This is just to name a few. 

On the other hand, I'm a very one-and-done kind of person. I went bar hopping a small handful of times in college (like probably 3 times) and then I was like "I'm done lol." I did a weed brownie once and I'm like "yup, it wasn't bad but I think I'm good." I went to a fancy restaurant a couple of times and now I'm like "I can still enjoy this but I'll be fine if I don't experience this again. I've had my experience and I'm ready to go." I've gone back packing and part of me thinks after a few times of travelling I'll be satiated. I have studied many things and have had various hobbies and at some point I'm usually like "yup, I'm good to go." Satiated is the only word that I think really encapsulates how I feel about these things. Sure I can go bar hopping again with my friends for the hell of it, but it's not an experience I crave because I already feel full and I've done it before. Sure, I won't be opposed to going to a fancy restaurant but it's not an experience that I thirst after. And this feeling of being satiated I would describe as this sense of deep contentment with my life knowing that I have savored the experiences I have had, thus I was fully conscious of what was happening, meaning I took everything in and I don't necessarily *have to* go back for more though I wouldn't fight it since all of this is coming from a place of contentmnet after all.

Where I'm going with this is that I think I'll reach an age in my 30s or so where I have done everything I want to do, travelled all of the places I wanted to go, and live the life I want to where I can see myself giving everything up to have a child. It will be my last act of selfishness and indulgence which I will repay with selflessness for the rest of my life. And this selflessness will not habor resentment because I will repay my decision to have a child by pouring into that child all of the happiness and contentment I have created for myself so that I can share my beautiful life with another individual, so that I can pour from a place of wholeness by giving them my life experiences as a teacher. I can see myself feeling so fulfilled and content with my life to where I will want to share that overflow with another person.

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I'm also content with the idea of not being a mother in this life. To me, dying single or child free is not the worst scenario. I know I can still live a full and beautiful life without getting married or having kids. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't have a desparation to get married or have a kid. If it's not in the cards for me, I'm willing to accept that. And especially when it comes to being a mother, I want to either raise them in a good circumstance and be a phenomenonal mother, or not have a kid at all. If I'm going to be a mother, I'm not going to mediocre one. I will have the following at the bare minimum: 

1. A stable and loving marriage to model to the child to a man who is dedicated to raising and providing for the child with me. 

• We both have our personal issues and generational trauma worked through and we have both lived full and complete lives on our own and with each other because we are actualized and we created a beautiful life for ourselves that we both want to share with a child.
• We have done couples therapy before marriage and during the first 3 years of the child's life since that is usually the time when couples tend to be on the rocks. 
• We have taken parenting classes and actively educate ourselves on parenting. We can admit when we are wrong and we can alter our way of parenting according to the needs of the child withouth compromising our marriage because we have compatible parenting styles. 

2. Financial abundance to where we can do the following

• Provide food, shelter, and clothing with no sense of instability for the child. This is the bare minimum and honestly I shouldn't need to mention it. 
• A good education along with domestic and international travel about once a year as a family (I want to spoil my kids with a variety of life experiences and expose them to a big world literally and intellectually) 
• I can take the first 2 years off after the child is born and have my husband support us on one income 
• Have my husband take the next two years off after me so that he can take just as much time with the child to bond/ raise them and I can support everyone on one income 
  • All of this except the last point is the circumstance that I was raised in and I want the same or better for my child. And even though my dad didn't take time off of his career to raise me, he did have a lot of free time as a business owner to where I got a lot of time with him growing up and he spent an active role in maintaing the household in terms of chores and raising/bonding with me. 

3. A sense of community from friends and family so that my kid has other people to go to other than me and my husband (it takes a village / we're not doing the nuclear family nonsense) 

4. Enough time and energy to give to the child so that they are thriving.

And if I don't have these things or if I get the thought that my desire to have a child is not coming from a healthy place, no matter how much I want a child, I'm not going to have one because it's irresponsible to bring a child into this world against their will knowing you don't have the means to give them the world. If I reach like 40 and I don't have these things, then having a kid is simply not in the cards for me and that is perfectly fine. The worst case scenario isn't to die alone and /or childless. The worst case scenario is to be trapped in a toxic and abusive marriage with a child who didn't ask to be here having to endure that with you and get the worst version of both of their parents. 

[soos_mite_ah]

One of the great tragedies of this current age is that amidst all of these existential threats, from climate change, the cost of living crisis, the rise of fascism and more, is that we have all of the tools and solutions to combat this but we don’t take the action necessary because of the monetary interests of the select few. 
 

But this is also something that fill me with hope. We know what we need to do. We aren’t completely powerless to these forces, helpless at the face of inevitability. We have to hold some people accountable and implement these solutions which is just as much as a challenge, if not more so, than conjuring up the solutions themselves.

I think when we think of a futuristic, utopian world, we think of all of the solutions and technological advancements that will increase our standard of living, flying cars, teleportation, etc . And while this is the case to a certain extent, we underestimate the impact of our collective conscious evolution towards a healthier social system towards more equity in society, more free time, and more quality communities that foster our very human needs to be respected, to have valuable connections, towards actualization, towards the very things that make life worth living . 

[soos_mite_ah]

Thoughts on Adulthood 

I'm going to be turning 24 in about a month or so. And 24 feels like a big number. Just the thought of saying out loud that I'm in my mid-twenties feels odd and a little existential crisis inducing so I thought that I'd journal about it. 

I first thought of all of the ways that I am "and adult": 

• I have a stable job that pays me enough to comfortably afford my life style and is holding up during the recession. It has a solid and healthy work culture and I have plenty of work life balance. 
• I contribute to my 401k 
• I have a Roth IRA set up that I also contribute to and I know how this shit works 
• I have my own place that is clean and put together 
• I'm on top of my chores whether it is laundry, dishes, meal prep etc. 
• I generally speaking make healthy meals for myself with fruits and vegetables. I'm not living off of chicken nuggies and instant ramen noodles.
• I track my expenses and make all of my payments on time and I do have a good credit score. 
• I have hobbies and interests outside of my work. 
• I go to therapy and have sorted out most of my emotional baggage from childhood. 
• I'm educated and have good discernment/ decision making skills 
• I have good friends and a loving and supportive relationship that is healthy and fulfilling.
• I am emotionally intelligent and can communicate/ identify my emotions and boundaries without having those big conversations feel uncomfortable.
• I can be vulnerable in my relationships. 
• I can drive anywhere in my country without freaking out and I have a general sense of direction when looking at a map. 
• I have long term plans and an idea of how I want to settle down. 
• I take accountability in my relationships and in life as a whole. 
• I work out on a regular basis and I have a daily skin care routine because it makes me feel good taking care of myself, rather than any specific vanity goal.   
• I have good emotional regulation and I'm self aware. 
• I can generally get along with most people and I am a good judge of character. 
• I have insight over my career tragectory both where I'm working at and beyond. 
• I make my own doctors appointments.
• I'm aware of what's going on in the news and I have well informed opnions. 
• I can drink responsibly and I haven't gotten drunk in years and generally am not on drugs. 

I think a lot of this is from a very western lens and a lot of the items on the list does have to do with financial security which can be indicative of priviledge and luck. I know that I got lucky with the job I got after graduation and that my dad opened up my Roth IRA account when I turned 18. And I think a lot of the traditional markers of adulthood like getting married, buying a house, having kids, etc. are becoming more and more unreachable for my generation (Gen Z/ Millenials) which contributes to this feeling of an extended adolescence. I have definitely heard of the concept from years past when everyone was talking about Millenials and how they were impacted by the 2008 recession but I think I'm feeling it more now since the world is more chaotic than ever and I'm experiencing this phenomenon more directly in my personal life.

And speaking of the recession and traditional markers of adulthood becoming more unreachable due to late stage capitalism, I remember watching a video commenting on this and how things like emotional intelligence and self development are being more emphasized in our generations as a way of defining adulthood past materialism. That video talked about how growing up fast doesn't always yield to growing up right. Just because boomers and previous generations got married and had kids young and were able to buy a house in their 20s, doesn't mean that they were automatically well adjusted adults nor does it mean that just because my generation is putting off these milestone doesn't mean that we're developmentally arrested. And a lot of the items on my list do reflect that emotional development piece as well.   

But at the same time it feels weird because I guess I am decently well off but I'm watching all of my friends struggle with their respective industries and it's like even though I'm financially in a good place, there is part of me that doesn't feel like an adult at all. So here's that list: 

The ways that I don't feel like "an adult": 

• Beer and wine menus make no sense to me, they all taste awful, and I'm pretty sure I went out to a bar I would be the one awkwardly standing there with a pink lemonade because I have no clue what I would order since most things taste bad to me. Not only that, but I feel like the quickest way for me to feel like a child is if I go somewhere with a lot of adults talking about wine and I'm sitting here trying to figure out what they mean by it tastes dry. 
• Basic home improvment stuff freaks me out. 
• If anything is wrong with my car, I'm just gonna go to my dad so he can take care of things. 
• I eat different iterations of the same five meals on repeat. 
• My sense of style is a slightly elevated version Adam Sandler since I work from home. 
• Whenever I'm around my coworkers talking about buying a house, I'm usually just sitting there head empty no thoughts, just a far off feeling of stress because of rising prices. 
• I don't have a great relationship with my parents (specifically with my mom) and sometimes that has me feeling like an angsty, ungrateful teenager. 
• I have stuffed animals that I cuddle with every night. 
• I have a bright, colorful, and whimsical aesthetic and I guess it screams more youthful rather and sleek, sophisticated, and put together. Also, part of me thinks that things marketed to adults are boring. There's just only so much white, beige, grey, and black I can handle lol. 
• I spend a lot of my free time on Tiktok or Youtube. 

As I'm looking at this list, I think a lot of the items are aesthetics driven, from not knowing alcohol, to my sense of personal style, to the aesthetics I'm drawn to, my stuffed animals, and the way that I spend my time. There is also the whole "girl dinner" phenomenon that I really resonate with because cooking is not something that I enjoy. And then there is some skills based things like home improvement, things related to cars, and buying a house that partly comes from me not being at that stage of adulthood yet and partly due to my personal sense of incompetence lol. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Thoughts on Womanhood 

Me not feeling like an adult very much comes along with me not feeling "womanly" and very much like a 23/24 year old teenage girl. I really started thinking more about my relationship to adulthood and my age while couch shopping. Most of the decent couches were about $1100 to $2000 which were waaaay more than what I was anticipating for a couch which was like $600-700. I did find some couches in that range but they were either low quality and uncomfortable to sit in or they were not great in terms of size. Lets just say I sat through a lot of cheap Ikea/ Nebraska Furniture Mart Couches that were kind of ugly tbh.

And then I went into an Ashley Home Furniture and had another form of existential crisis. While I was still concerned about prices like in the other stores, here I distinctly felt like a child, a 23 year old teenage girl. Idk, the whole store felt like I was in a Karen's faux Italian pinterst board after she got a divorce in 2008. The vibe was very much suburban couple with 2 children from the ages of 8-12 that are settled down and financially secure.  I've written the previous post on how even though I'm an adult, I take responsibility for myself, and am emotionally mature, I don't really fit the "aesthetics" of adulthood and as a result feel like an adult. After writing that whole post, in retrospect, I think that's what I was very much reacting to when I went into Ashley Home Furniture. 

Then I watched these two videos and a lot resonated with me. 

I like on how this video talked about how being an adult is seen as an action rather than something you just are as well as how being adult looks different now than previous generations. I liked on how it talked about how subjective how we define adulthood it is from years that we think that adulthood begins to the expectations. The video also talked about how adulthood is defined differently in queer circles since a lot of gay people experience sexual and romantic milestones later on in life due to things like coming out and how they have different milestones to mark their lives apart from getting married and having kids, since historically for a long time gay people couldn't do those things legally. It also touches on how it's different for people of color, how in some cultures moving out isn't really a thing when it comes to coming of age and how women of color are perceived as grown younger than white women. 

And I want to expand on this as it relates to my personal experiences. I think in some ways I was forced to grow up faster as a woman of color. I feel like in south asian households, if you're born a girl, you are given more responsibility and are expected to be more mature at an earlier age compared to boys but at the same time you are given less freedom than them. Given my family structure, I've often been expected to be the bigger person in the face of conflicts with my parents and other relatives despite being a child. And of course, I was sexualized at a young age because of how my body is built and I started encountering attention from creepy old men earlier than some of my other peers.  I was one of those kids that were seen as "mature for their age" and later on I found out that this isn't the flex I thought it was when I was growing up and that I was worthy of being supported instead of having to emotionally figure everything out on my own due to emotionally unavailable parents. I had portions of my life where I felt disconnected from my peers who were the same age who got to develop more normally due to the stuff that I had to go through, often alone. And as a result, I think there is a part of me that wants to hold on to girlhood because I didn't get to experience it fully when I was a child while at the same time feeling weird for being this way. 

The stage of adulthood and how it is defined can also come with a set of cultural clashes when you are a child of immigrants. My parents thought it was weird on how I felt this need to leave the nest and be more independent since they both grew up in cultures where you didn't move out until you were married. And they interpreted in me wanting to achieve what is considered a milestone of adulthood here as a form of abandonment and one of the negatives of a more individualistic society. They also didn't get the whole dating and relationships bit when it comes to western coming of age milestones but luckily for them I was a late bloomer. Also, I had a curfew while living with them and a more strict set of rules compared to what my peers here experienced as adults. There are times when I see my boyfriend hanging out with me late into the night and I'm just like *aren't your parents going to kill you for being out with me at my dorm/now apartment at like 11pm* and then I have to remind myself that he is a white man and even though he lives with his parents, they have a different set of standards.  And there is a part of me that knowing the cultural context that my parents come from that no matter what I accomplish or what my over all life style looks like, they will never see me fully as an adult until after I get married and have kids. 

I also think another reason why my generation is embracing girlhood more is because we see womanhood as sad and depressing because we're more aware of the realities around being a wife and mother and how it's not as it's cracked out to be from the weaponized incompetence, to being a married single mother, and all of the labor that you're expected to do all on your own with little to no help. The video below talks about how girlhood is seen as lively and whimsical and that attitude is similar to the whole *romanticize your life* trend. And in a way, it's kind of a coping mechanism to help get us through this generally speaking awful and chaotic time. It contrasts the trend of the "girl dinner" and how its seen as fun, quirky, and filled with your favorite snacks with little to no labor while when people think of "woman dinner" you imagine a woman who has toiled away for her family only to have some scraps to the side after serving everyone else.  

The video above also talks about how girlhood has become a marketing trend from the "girl power" of the 90s to the "girl boss" of the 2010s. I found this video interesting in the way that it talked about various trends I have encountered in my feed and I liked how she did a deep dive into a pattern that I was already observing. I think to a certain extent I have been impacted by these trends even if I'm not directly engaging with them. I do find myself engaging with all of this in the whole "romanticizing your life" trend but it's more of a part of the my over all new year's resolution of being more delusional. Also with the Barbie movie and the Taylor Swift Era's tour, a lot of women seem to be engaging with the nostalgia of their girlhood this summer, especially white women. The Barbie movie was an interesting take on what girls experience as they transition into womenhood, how violent the realization of being in a man's world can be. And while I don't think the movie was a feminist masterpiece, parts of it did feel like 2014 tumblr, I do think that rather than providing interesting discourse, it mainly made you feel something and reflect. I felt deeply seen in many parts of the movie. As for the Taylor Swift tour, I don't much to say on that since I'm not a Taylor Swift fan but from what I've heard, it's pretty big and well done, and there is a lot of market and rampant consummerism around it much like the Barbie movie. Anyway, those two I feel really dominated this summer. 

On top of that, I think for me, a lot of these past few months from like January to July where I was able to get a chill job and I was still living in my childhood home, really felt healing for my inner teenager. I've written about that quite a bit in this journal over the last few months and I just wanted to add that parts of my lifestyle really resonate with that inner teenager. During that time, my job was chill and I didn't have to worry about much and I had all this free time to do things like hang out with my friends, go to little coffee shops, work out, engage with my hobbies, sneak my boyfriend into my house while my parents were away, just typical things people in their teens would do but I didn't really get to engage with because I was stressed, depressed, and had my calander filled with a million and one extracurriculars because I was focused and anxious about getting into a good college. And I continue to do those things like working out and hanging out with my friends but I guess it feels different now that I'm living on my own. I think these past couple months as been great in terms of me feeling like I have more agency in my life. It feels good to not have to tell people where you're going, when you're bringing someone over or be worried about how long your significant other can spend at your place. And while I did have all of this in college, it's nice to be able to live alone and take responsibility from paying the bills to cooking everyday even though I wouldn't say that I enjoy those things. It still gives me a sense of agency, a sense of agency that I yearned for since I was in my teens. Maybe this feeling of being a 23 year old teenage girl will slowly fade as this becomes my norm as I ease into living by myself and being financially sufficient over the next few months.  

[soos_mite_ah]

Aging

I have been thinking more about aging as I'm observing my parents get older and as I'm seeing the first signs of me aging. I know I'm like 23, almost 24 years old and the stuff that I'm going to describe is trivial. Just felt like I had to give that disclaimer. 

I have been getting the occasional gray hair since I was 18. I think I have a total of 2 or 3 gray hairs now. The first one I saw was during my 18th birthday. I was hoping I was one of those people who would go completely gray at an early age since I have family members like that.  But no, unfortunately, it was stress. Same with the other two strands. 

Lately I noticed my boobs sagging a little. It isn't to the point where anyone else would notice but it is something that I notice since I'm around myself all the time and because it is affecting the weight distribution on my chest and back. And honestly, I'm not upset about it. Honestly, the fact that my tits were perky at all instead of saggy from the beggining was a blessing given on how big they are lol. I'm ok with retiring that and now wearing a bra since I need more support now.  I'm glad that I enjoyed my nice titty years by being braless from like the ages of 17 to 23. It was a good run lol. 

As for changes in my face and other traditional forms of aging, honestly they don't bother me too much. I'm not seeing anything now and knowing my genetics and knowing the way my mom has aged since I look so much like her, I know I'm more or less going to have the same face for the most part for another 25 years. That's so long as I don't do drugs or marry a toxic man and pop out too many kids that will run my body down due to stress. And speaking of stress, I genuninely feel like I look more lively and a bit younger because I'm not nearly as stressed as I was while I was in school / living with my parents. 

I also used the aging filter on TikTok out of curiousity. I saw a lot of people trying it and it seemed pretty accurate since they used the filter on younger photos of older celebrities to see the prediction and compare it to how the celebrity looks like now. I put on the filter and honestly, I found it to be comforting. I hope I get to see her one day. The image staring back at me reminded me of my grandmother who was always really warm towards me. I also looked so full of life as an old woman. 

I feel like my general view on aging is pretty positive and I don't think that everyone can relate to that, especially when it comes to some women. I think I have a more positive outlook because I was surrounded by a lot of old people growing up. My dad and Aunt was 41 when I was born. My uncle was 51. My mom was 33. My grandmother was 81. By the time I was 10, well you can do the math as to how old the people around me were. I think that this normalized aging for me and made it something I wasn't ever scared of. My dad and uncle specifically I think really modeled healthy aging for me. They have always been vibrant even at their current ages, 65 and 75. I talked about this with my dad more in depth and he told me that he never felt older than 40 or 45. I think he's also very with the times and continues to learn new things and update his world view. Sometimes we both laugh about boomers together, despite the fact that's his age group, because it's weird for him to see his peers be so out of touch from reality. It's also weird to him in the way that people his age also use age as such a limitting belief mainly because he can't relate since again, he has only felt at most 45.

My uncle on the other hand, though he is more of the stereotypical boomer with his poltical and world views, he is still fairly social and physically active. Sure, he's not my favorite person, but I can't deny the fact that he has aged vibrantly and that he wears his years well. He's also still fairly energetic. My grandmother lived to age 98. And during the years I was alive, she never had any major health problems. She had a little bit of high blood pressure that was controlled with a minimum amount of medication and she was also pretty anxious and took anxiety meds. Other than that, she didn't have any other health concerns. She still had a good degree of mobility and didn't need help getting around. She ultimately passed away from pneumonia after being in the hospital for 2 weeks. It was sudden but also peaceful. She didn't suffer much.

I cannot give a similar account when it comes to my mother though. Watching her age has been pretty sad so far. In the last couple of years, her eating disorder has gotton worse. I think that controlling food is how she copes with aging and her anxieties around health. Things got worse during the pandemic because it hit her common anxieties. She lost a significant amount of weight, much of which was muscle. Mentally, she's not okay and she projects onto me and my dad a lot. I've had friends and my friends' parents comment on her state, how distraught and on edge she looks all the time, how she barely eats in social settings. I find her to be pretty triggering to be around considering my own issues with food and body image issues. But most of all, I feel very helpless. I have tried to address my concerns but she is in denial she has a problem and if anything, thinks everyone else is unhealthy because they don't follow her strict dietary constraints. And of course, there is only so much I can do in this situation. 

She has also mentioned that she feels like her life is done now that I've grown up and the only thing she has left to see is me get married. She doesn't include having kids because she gets the feeling that she'll die before then, that she has less than 10 years left in her. Knowing what she went through, her life story, and the context she grew up in, her life has only been defined as being a wife and mother. And before she was those things, she was seen as a future wife and mother. She never got the chance to figure out who she was and what she wanted. She never had the opportunity to be independent and have autonomy. She has limitted herself to that and continue to limit herself. She keeps saying how certain things aren't suitable for someone her age even though she's only 57, how she can't wear vibrant colors and how she needs to be quieter because her time is up since she is "no longer beautiful". And I think she feels that since I have grown up that her life is basically over and that all there is left to do is veg out on her ipad watching right wing media. She has really become a shell of herself in recent years. All her free time is spent watching YouTube and praying for 2+ hours a day which is pretty concerning for both me and my dad. Her obsessive tendencies around politics, food, and God has been affecting him a lot. 

It hurts me to see her like this as her daughter and as any human being with basic empathy. She's not going on a good path. But more than anything, her past and present serves as a cautionary tale of what happens when you don't work on yourself, you don't have any sort of self awareness, and you don't do things that will make you independent and actualized in your life or hell even know what any of those things look like. I know she has had a very different life compared to my dad and uncle in terms of what she could expect out of life and what your roles were. I can acknowledge that part of the reason that my dad and uncle aged well was partly due to their privilege. And that's something that I keep thinking of, what would have my mother's life have looked like if she was born in different circumstances. Because the reality is just depressing. I don't ever want to age like that.