Psychoanalyzing Myself

[soos_mite_ah]

Integrating the Life Purpose Course

I have taken Leo's Life Purpose Course three times, once when I was 19 after my first year of college, another time at 21 during the pandemic, and most recently at 23 after getting my first job. Each of these times I took the course I was coming from a place of feeling lost or uncertain about my future and what to do next, you know, the typical feelings people get in young adult hood. And honestly, I think it's great I took this course multiple times because it felt like a good frame work for figuring things out. I don't think it was a failure on my part to revisit it so many times because I feel like when you're young, there is so much variability regarding how you are growing and all of the things you're experiencing that's giving you new information and insight about your future and what really resonates with you. 

While I didn't retake the Life Purpose course a fourth time, I did revisit the list of videos and reviewed a few of the topics. I found myself reflecting on the topics that were discussed and how I felt as if I intellectually grasped the lessons at 19 and then emotionally grasped the lessons at 21 and 23. I think as I'm getting older, different things are coming up in my life along with different existential crisis. I think my last post can be summed up by me rethinking the concept of mastery, commitment, the 10,000 hour rule (though I didn't discuss it in the post above I did contemplate it a lot during my recent existential crisis) to name a few.

The best way I can decribe it is that the concepts in my life purpose course were seeds that were planted in my mind at 19 and then at 21 and 23 I gave it more fertilizer for it to grow. And now, while I did have the concepts and frameworks in mind, I'm more easily able to articulate the insights I'm having as well as grounding what I know intellectually and emotionally into my life experience. I can't say that I have my life purpose figured out. At times I feel like I have all the pieces of the puzzle in front of me and I'm still trying to draw connections so that I create the picture that I want. I feel like the picture is a work in progress but as I integrate these insights into my life experiences, it's helping me draw more connections. 

I will be honest, I do feel a little silly that after doing the course three times that I still haven't figured my purpose out. The process of integration is long and I think it's taking a few years because well, I have some growing up to do and I'm still figuring out the various opportunities that are out there and how the adult world functions. As a result, a lot of things are shifting and changing when it comes to my goals in life and it doesn't hurt to contemplate and remind myself to water the seeds that were planted years ago and check up on them. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Found a few quote under a youtube video that I liked and wanted to take note of: 

Quote

"Your point about the fake radicalism of travel blogs really reminds me of something Slavoj Zizek said in a Vice interview: "Ideology is not just the world we live in, but especially the wrong ways we imagine to escape it."

That is to say, capitalist ideology is not just what surrounds our daily life and the problems we face (especially alienation from our work), but it is actually strongest in precisely the ways that we fantasise about escaping it. Our fantasies of travelling to popular tourist destinations, of buying overpriced organic produce, of dressing talking eating and behaving differently from others et cetera, are not a genuine reaction to capitalism, they are part of its reproduction mechanism."

Quote

"I took about 6 months out to go backpacking around SE Asia and India in a really typical mid-20s middle class guy kindof way. I learned mostly that travel wasn't the experience it was really made out to be. It is, for the most part, not challenging, deep or even that hedonistic. It definitely did not leave me with a feeling of being changed.

Tourists live in their own ecosystem. There is a whole economy designed around keeping you comfortable. It is actually quite a challenge to break out of it. While I met lots of people from the UK, EU and US, I had barely any real conversations with locals. While I made some effort to read about the countries and visit the museums, most backpackers did not. Your engagement with the culture feels limited to eating food, walking around town, visiting a temple and going to bars.

Travelling from place to place so quickly means that nowhere has a chance to really affect you. Same with the people that you meet along the way. If you want a profound experience, you have to stick with it for a while. Its like the difference between a series of one-night stands and having a partner. The one night stands might be fun and some people might respect your high body-count, but its only when you are with someone for a while that you really learn about each other, you bear your soul and hopefully push each other to be the best versions of yourselves. Anthropologists spends years as participant observers to learn about a culture.

Finally, its not as fun as its made out to be. If you like going out drinking every evening in clubs playing the most generic pop EDM possible, you will probably be ok. I went travelling in 2016, so pretty much every night I was listening to Justin Bieber, the Chainsmokers, Skrillex and Kygo. I went to the Full Moon Party, expecting some wild hippie gathering, and it felt like Tiger Tiger but on the beach. I could find better parties happening on my street than most of the parties I attended while travelling. If you indulge in narcotics, then you would also do better to stay home; when you are passing through, dealers have no incentive to give you good product.

I would encourage anyone considering backpacking to reconsider. If you want to learn about different cultures, pick one place, choose an activitity that integrates you into the community somewhat, like working, volunteering or learning a skill particular to that area, and stay there at least a few months."

Quote

This comment made me think of the discourse around passport bros: 

"A couple of months ago I fell into the YouTube rabbithole of male travel vloggers and watched a few of them to find out what they were about. So yeah, there's a specific genre of this that is decidedly "male" in the same sense that this video seems to get criticism for alluding to, i.e. toxic masculinity. I suddenly found loads of guys traveling to poor places, sensationalizing poverty, crime etc, exoticizing their problems without appreciating the culture, pretending to have chance encounters with young, conventionally attractive women right in the streets and hanging out with them as if it was not obvious that they payed them to play the overly friendly stranger role etc. You will spot these easily enough by their fixation with emphasizing "dangerous" on the titles, or pretending to make "brutally honest" presentations of things like homelessness (invariably trying to inspire hate against homeless people) or by their constant inclusion of "hot women" in the thumbnails. Some of these men make not so subtle comments revealing this is a thinly veiled exercise in sex tourism, or that they were aiming to place themselves as idols for incels (the guy who scores everywhere), or that they enjoy poor countries because in their view poverty would render most women more submissive and themselves as western demigods because they are able to throw some money to their faces. This can also be served with the pseudo-antisystemic sauce of presenting the West as a decadent, failing part of the world, with developing countries being where one should go to live their live to the fullest - assuming that one can still be paid by western standards and use their economic privilege to take advantage of the locals, that is. Of course you can be a guy, do travel vlogs and be a far cry at least from promoting harmful ideas, but I can hardly think of a clearer manifestation of toxic masculinity in the context of travel vlogging than these guys that seem to have inundated YouTube recently."

Quote

"I worked with teenagers for over 20 years. I'm glad you tempered this with the "when I was a teenager" discussion. It's really hard to distinguish rebellion from transformation (particularly when you're young) when you've only grown up in a modern, capitalist economy. Sometimes it takes a while to realize what a "real" life really is."

 

[soos_mite_ah]

A Littile Mid-Year Check In 

Positives first:

• I have figured out how I feel about my family and my dealing with my family relationships going forward. I have communicated things with my dad and we figured out a plan for the future. I will say that this gave me a lot of peace of mind emotionally and financially. 
• Gained some clarity around my romantic realtionship. 
• I have a better reltionship with food since I'm working with a nutritionist. 
• I have a less restrictive and over all healthier view of money, finances, and spending. 
• I'm getting better at cooking for myself and others. 
• I have hosted get togethers at my place a couple of times. 
• I fasted for Ramadan successfully and got some growth out of that particularly around feeling present. 
• I've been posting on tiktok somewhat frequently and I have been enjoying the process while addressing my anxiety around being seen lol. 
• I've reached 70 days on my Duo Lingo Spanish streak 
• I've been working through my insecurities around my feelings about mediocrity and humility. I've also been reconnecting with my sense of purpose in my life. 
• I'm planning for my trip later this year across Asia.
• I've been working through things regarding my feelings around life purpose, the absurd, and how my life feels like Sisyphus rolling a boulder up a mountain.
• I haven't been feeling a constant underlying sense of dread as I did earlier in the year. But I will say, I'm not too excited about the upcoming election and I do find myself getting irritable at times when I see the news because it pokes at my feelings around instability. 
• I've been feeling more confident in my image of myself as an adult (I was dealing with a bit of *I feel like a 23/24 year old teenage girl complex earlier this year and around my birthday*) 

Negatives: 

• I've gotten in the habit of isolating myself and it's been a little difficult getting out of it. 
• I've lost the habit of working out regularly 
• I've been dealing with some low grade depression due to seasonal things, a lack of purpose, hormonal issues etc. 
• Health hasn't been great.  Recently I've lost my appetitie and my hormones feel off. 
• I haven't been volunteering as I wanted to this year. 

Edited June 2 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Upper Middle Class 

I feel like I'm more swayed by rampant consumerism these days because I actually have money of my own whereas throughout my teen and college years, I mainly used my parent's money for necessities like textbooks, groceries, and the occasional lunch out with my friends. Even if I did treat myself to something, I was always careful with my spending since I was under the impression that this was their money and not mine so I have to be responsible and reasonable with what I was spending my money on and how much it was for. And I don't think this is a bad thing, quite the contrary. But I guess it's hitting me that even though financially I'm upper middle class both in terms of my own income, how it compares to my bills, and my savings and I have grown up upper middle class for most of my memory, I'm not socially upper middle class. And I think that I have this sense of morbid curiosity towards the spending habits of some upper middle class people that i guess I could afford but wouldn't do myself because I don't prioritize the same things. 

Even though I grew up with financial security without having to worry about how I'm going to pay for college and how I would deal with any emergency, including health emergencies, and I could afford most things, I could not relate to the other upper middle class people I went to college with. I think there is some diversity among upper middle class upbringings. A lot of the people I grew up with and the people I'm cool with now, they might be upper middle class but they had more of a middle class upbringing because 1. they were around some degree of socioeconomic diversity and 2. their parent's had middle class habits and life styles because they lived below their means and passed that mindset on to their kids.  In other words, they have touched grass. 

Sometimes I walk into stores and feel like I don't belong there. I will use Sephora as an example. Like... who tf do I look like spending $25 on lipgloss and $50 on skincare for one thing?!?! And it's not like a feeling of inferiority. It's more of not being able to relate to a certain life style or habit of consumption. Like that $50 is gas money. I'm not spending that on a moisturizer when I found a moisturizer that works great and lasts me for 8 months for like $12 at Walmart. Then there is Wholefoods. You can get the same shit from the organic section of a grocery store like Target, Walmart, and Sprouts and have it taste the same for less money.

There's also the bougie hipstery restaurants. You know, the places where they use arugala for their burgers, you have to order on a pin pad and the customer service people probably won't talk to you and will ask for a tip on the ipad they're using to run you up. Also, they don't accept cash and their burgers are like $20 and aren't really all that, and they all have the same generic Instagramable hipster vibe. It's not a question of authenticity. You can have hipster and fusion places that are unique and interesting and that make good food. But a lot of them just scream gentrification and they give me the same vibe as a Millennial from like 2013 with a moustache tattoo that is lecturing you on craft beer. 

There's the people who can Doordash 3x a week and comfortably be able to afford that. Even if I could afford (and I can), it's just so financially wasteful. Everytime I open the app, I immediately delete it after rethinking my life choices when I see a McDonalds meal that is like $20 after delivery fees and tips. I have occasional days where I crave something that I can't really replicate or I just really don't feel like cooking but in my mind, if I don't want to get up and get it myself, I say to myself that I don't want it enough to justify having it delivered through a food delivery app. 

There's the normalization of various beauty treatments for women who are upper middle class that's like getting your brows done, getting waxed, getting your nails done etc. And all I can think of is how much that shit adds up when you're doing it twice a week on repeat. I get wanting to treat yourself every now and then or if you have a special occasion, but when this is your regular, it just doesn't compute in my mind and the priorities I have with my money because you can literally do all of this by yourself for a fraction of the cost. And with social media there are people who are getting medical grade facials monthly which can run you like $100 to $200 each and botox is getting normalized like they're a pair of acrylics. 

Speaking of social media and the over consumption there, I feel like there is so much more social capital to be had with mindless consumption for the sake of trends for those who are upper middle class as opposed to those who are middle class and lower. I'll use the Stanley cup as an example, a $40 water bottle. I feel like lower middle class people and lower will see this as absolutely ridiculous. Middle class people will see it as overpriced and ridiculous but might get like 1 or 2 (1 for the house and another for the office) if they really like it. But they'll think about it first due to the price and they know it's not that deep. Upper middle class people will buy a collection of this so they can coordinate with their outfits and so they aren't like left out of their peer group since EVERYONE has one and spending that kind of money isn't really a big deal. I'm obviously stereotyping here but basically, I think upper middle class people are more prone to overconsumption because they actually have the money to participate in such trends and if enough people in their social circle are doing something, they just give in because it won't hurt their wallet. 

Financilly, I can afford that type of hyper consumerist life style to a certain degree. If I wanted to, I could get my eyebrows done and nails done 2x a month, get doordash 2x a week, and buy random shit I don't need but I'm not about that life because I believe in living below your means when it comes to consumer spending. I might have an entry level job but I'm fortunate enough that I don't have student loan deb and I have a car that is paid off because I'm using a hand me down from a relative. And I live in an affordable area. But I don't even want to engage in that life and it feels weird that people in my social class has normalized things like this because I can't relate and I feel out of place despite the fact that the math is mathing on paper as far as income and assets go. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Mastery vs the Ordinary

I've been reflecting on the concept of mastery and the 10,000 hour rule where in order to be amazing in something, you need to put 10,000 hours towards it. I've mainly been contemplating this because I have been feeling aimless in the way that I feel like I'm not working towards a compelling goal careerwise at this time. I've also caught myself comparing myself to the other people in my life who appear to be working towards a compelling goal and really clocking in the 10,000 hours in the form of high education by going to law school or medical school or by working crazy long work hours in consulting, research, and accounting. And I caught myself feeling mediocre in the face of that thus resulting in an existential crisis where I clock into work wonder wtf I'm doing with my Sisyphean life and old insecurities to crop up. 

One of the insecurities that has shown up for me is my inability to work crazy long hours. Hell, sometimes I find myself tired after a 40 hour work week much less 60-80. Not to mention as a student in college that I wasn't exactly the type of person who had 2 jobs, was involved on campus, was going out every weekend from Thursday to Sunday, while still managing to maintain a 4.0 GPA. And as a result, I do have a bit of a chip on my shoulder. But I think it really helped that in my current job, everyone is doing things at their own pace and I'm not in a hyper competitive bubble of my own peers. I was able to slow down and still manage to pick up on the skills I need to do well in my role. 

Eventually, I came to the realization that my friends who are putting in crazy long work hours or pursuing a specialized professional degree aren't necessary special or superior to me rather they're putting in their 10,000 at a faster rate or they are more structured in clocking in those hours because they aren't as aimless in clocking in those hours. Another thing that I recall from the forum is that there is a good chance that you have already started clocking in your 10,000 hours without realizing it solely from engaging with hobbies and interests you have. And that makes sense in my context because I feel like even though my friends are super accomplished on paper, the ways that I stand out are in the ways I give good advice on relationships, mental health, and over all a sense of guidance, how I have pretty on point takes politically and culturally, and my sense of media literacy.  Sure, the things I have just listed aren't coming in the form of a degree nor are they things I'm clocking in hours for at my job but it's still work that I have put in, even if it didn't feel like work as I've been clocking in my 10,000 hours. 

I think we also have this view of mastery that with being a master comes money or fame of some sorts. I think the first people that comes to mind for me personally in terms of mastery are talented actors, singers, artists, entrepreneurs, professional athletes, video essayists, public speakers etc. But what about the regular masters who aren't in the limelight making millions? I have encountered a few of these in my life often in academia given that I was in college for a decent chunk of time. I also feel like I encounter this in my corporate job as well since it does take some time to accumulate the skills to troubleshoot and help clients with the software well enough to where you can also teach people in the company as well. I say this to say that you don't have to be exceptional in the sense of being larger than life in order to have valuable skills that you have mastered. That is a realization I had to have in order to deal with my mundane life and acknowledge that even though I feel aimless at times, that doesn't mean that I'm not working towards mastering things I care about. I might not have a super lofty goal like getting through law school, training for a marathon, trying to travel through every country in the world, or building a business or following on social media with a specific niche but that doesn't mean that my work is not going to amount to any thing.

Here are some ways that I've put in work towards my purpose of understanding and improving the human condition:

Understanding the human condition on a personal level: 

• journalling 
• therapy + self help
• self reflection 
• meditation 

Understanding the human condition on an individual level: 

• reviewing various social dynamics in my social circle and reviewing research that comes out on various topics 
• helping my friends through their issues while taking their specific situation and tendencies into context 
• listening to other people's life situations and applying them to my own or drawing parallels with what other individuals are encountering
• regularly socializing with my friends and understanding them on a deeper level
• taking things I learn about the human condition on a personal and societal level and applying it to individuals and their specific situations

Understanding the human condition on a societal and global level: 

• getting a social science degree and taking classes ranging from sociology, political science, history, religion, and anthropology 
• watching various video essays on politics and social/human rights issues + staying updated on current events 
• reading books on various things I'm interested in such as policy, history, and international relations 
• learning about different cultures and watching documentaries about different places 
• travelling + exposing myself to different experiences and ways of doing things (especially in regards to trying new foods and cooking) 
• trying to learn other langauages even if it's me just doing 5 min daily duolingo lessons lol

I came to a lot of this not by being super structured in my purpose but by either following my bliss or dealing with things in my life that were pressing enough to develop certain skills. I think I started off more with the category of understanding the human condition on a personal level as I was working through a lot of trauma and difficulties of my upbringing which gave me a lot of purpose until that came to more of a resolution in the last year or so. I might not have something I can physically point to or flex regarding the work I have poured into myself since much of it was internal, but that doesn't mean that I didn't put in the work in the first place. And it shows in the way that I move through the world, evaluate situations, and the type of life I have built for myself. I also think nowadays, i find myself gravitating towards the 3rd category and that is the category that I'm thinking that I want to focus my career and hobbies towards. 

I know the life purpose talks about finding your purple cow or finding a niche that causes your form of mastery to stand out amongst the rest and there is merit to that. But I don't think that in every case that it has to do with being exeptional and larger than life. Sometimes it's you specializing something in your field like being an immigration lawyer for people with specific life circumstances, or maybe it's the specific way or the personality that shows through your technique like for example if you were to be a master in being a teacher in early childhood education. I guess I'm saying this to help bring the notion of finding your niche or purple cow down to earth to something more tangible as it doesn't always manifest in a clean cut way in situations outside of art or entrepreneurship. 

This is a video that I find myself resonating with lately: 

The video starts out with the creator talking about how she tended to feel emotions in a very big way growing up and how she would feel really intensely in love with people but since she perceived herself to be incredibly average, she had a hard time imagining that someone would feel this way towards her thus leading her to eventually start trying to overcompensate for her self perceived averageness by trying to be exceptional in something, in her case it was music. She goes on to explain how in the early days of social media when people were mainly just following people in their inner circle and influencers weren't as much of a thing, that having a talent and being really good at something felt like a rare, exceptional thing. There wasn't as much exposure to how much talent that was actually out there because usually the image you had consisted of a certain celebrity or a kid in the school talent show. And because we didn't have as much exposure and access to celebrities compared to what we have now in social media, it was easier to deify them and put them in a pedestal because that type of curated image and attention was more rare back then. And this creator took that notion that talent is scarce and that she needs to be exceptional to be loved and just ran with it in her teens and early twenties But as time went on and as we have gotten to the age of short form content and specialized algorithms, it feels like everyone and their mother is really exceptional at something. Which isn't a bad thing because it lets us acknoweldge the extraordinaryness in otherwise ordinary people which can be beautiful, but it also makes it seem that being exception isn't enough or that it isn't all that. She also goes on to talk about how we tend to value outward facing talents like being really good at painting for example over inward facing talents such as being exceptionally kind.  The later tends to be more frequently overlooked by others and even by ourselves. 

Quote

"I generally feel that it is a net positive for society that these concepts of specialness and notoriety are being knocked off that pedestal and are losing their appeal. But like I said at the beginning of this video, when your ego has used the promise of those things as means of protecting you from the deep grief and shame you felt as a child when you felt that you are invisible and unimportant, it can be hard to make peace with the fact that specialness and notoriety that you thought was going to make you worth loving are actually illusory. It can be a very tough and painful pill to swallow to realize that specialness was an illusion and that you were never going to get there and that really, you've just been chasing your tail this whole time. When you realize this, you have no choice but to break up with the idealized version of yourself that you always hoped you'd become and when that idealized version of yourself starts to dissipate, what's left behind is the raw grief that you felt as a kid that you used that idealized self to avoid. I think it's a really good thing to cut the BS and peel back the laywers and turn inwards and heal those wounds that you never addressed before. I do think that on the otherside of that, life is much more peaceful and much more enjoyable and filled with much more love ironically. But to get from point A to point B in this context means facing a great deal of sadness and grief and disappointment and also some degree of purposelessness."

I guess after being on social media for a while, I found myself feeling the same way about mastery and celebrity culture. I found myself feeling the same way towards acknowledging my more inward facing talents that I have built up over the years and how that corresponds to a more external form of mastery that my friend circle engages in more. And while I didn't feel the need to be exceptional in order to get validation from others, I think there has been a part of me throughout my years in the education system that made feel like I needed to be exceptional to myself to access a certain type of self love. That is something that I've been trying to unlearn while acknowledging that I'm not this aimless blob that has nothing going on, that I do have things that I'm working towards even if it doesn't seem like the typical image we have when we picture mastery. Mastery isn't as uncommon as our egos would like us to believe but that doesn't mean that it isn't worth pursuing or that it doesn't amount to much to be in the 1% of something, even when that means that there are still millions of people at the same level as you or better.

I think it's important to pursue mastery for it's own sake when it comes to pursuing your life purpose regardless if this is a hobby you have or something that manifests in your career path. And that also means taking things at your own pace and not trying to rush clocking in the 10,000 hours by working unsustainable hours. Not to sound cliche, it's about the journey and if you genuinely enjoy it, you're not going to be counting down on those 10,000 hours to be done and over with so you can have that sense of glory at the end of the journey. And honestly, in most cases of mastery unless it's in a glamorous field, the end of the journey when you become a master at something after clocking in the 10,000 hours is going to be anticlimactic (or hell for all I know the glamorous fields also have this sense of things being anticlimactic once you actually experience certain things instead of just building it up and idealizing it in your head). Like for example, as a teacher, maybe the end destination of mastery is retiring modestly and occasionally having your former students get back to you on how impactful you have been on their lives rather than becoming famous and being this larger than life figure. Maybe all I know for now is that I'm pursuing my interests and I don't know where it will lead in the end, if it leads any fixed destination at all in terms of being exceptional. I guess at the end of me contemplating this, I've been learning to come to terms with my own ordinaryness and mediocity and how performing well and being exceptional isn't always going to be a by product in my journey to mastery nor does mastery gurantee  a career or something grand. Nevertheless, it is still something that can give me a sense of purpose for doing something for it's own sake. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Material Things that Greatly Helped My Inner Work

I know external solutions for internal problems aren't always helpful since they can be a way of bypassing a thing you're dealing with mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and that it can be the type of solution that just deals with the symptoms rather than the sickness. However, just because they aren't always helpful, doesn't mean that they are never helpful. Sometimes, I think it's just what is needed in a situation and that mentally processing it, emotionally working through difficult emotions, and spiritually trying to evolve and integrate only does so much. Sometimes, to silence the mental voice so that you can focus on other areas of life instead of having to keep something under wraps, you need the external solution. Here are some of those instances I saw manifest in my life. 

Getting contacts after wearing glasses growing up: I was always a little self conscious of what I looked like in glasses. Even though I eventually learned to love myself, I found myself constantly body checking my face because I felt like I didn't know what I looked like without glasses and I had a feeling that I probably looked better without them. The reason why I didn't completely know what I looked like was because as soon as I took off my glasses, everything was a blur. Sure, I could also refer to pictures where I didn't have my glasses but the images always felt separate from me. Since I already did the work of accepting myself both with and without glasses, I would say that getting the contacts helped me stop the constant body checking and it didn't feel like I was covering up any insecurities. 

Having a job that pays well and doesn't stress me out too much: I feel like I have a lot of mental space and room to just breathe since I have this sense of stability. While I do think my job does give me a good amount of peace of mind, I still think that I would be still pretty mentally stable without it granted that I have a plan and money to hold me down until then. I say this to say that the things that were mentally messing with me, especially in a trauma and mental health sense, were things I was already actively working on well before this job through therapy, introspection and journalling, and self help. I already built a good foundation for peace of mind prior so again, my job isn't a bandaid solution, but sure does it help in the peace of mind category. I'm so fortunate to not deal with the constant stressor of trying to pay rent on time or budgetting to the cent. Don't get me wrong, budgetting and learning to manage your money is important but it's worth not having that fire on your ass all the time. 

Getting a boyfriend: I was working on myself and my relationships well before meeting my partner. And yes, you should work on yourself, learn to love yourself, and find happiness in yourself before even thinking of enterring a relationship with another person. But then there comes a point where you need the life experience of a healthy bond over the theory in order to continue healing and growing. Even though I wasn't in a perfect place in regards to self love and personal fulfillment prior to meeting my partner, I was in a good enough position to have a solid foundation for my life and sense of identity, the skills necessary to make a relationship healthy and functioning, and the foresight to know the common red flags. But also, materially knowing the green flags has been super helpful and I feel like I could have known this mainly from being in a healthy relationship where I feel self regulated. I also feel like my femcel monologue of wondering if I'll ever be enough for a relationship even though logically I know better and my constant touch starved thoughts have long since passed and I feel like I can focus and function lol.  

Moving out of my parent's house: Again, I have been doing the inner work of addressing my childhood trauma and processing the dysfunctional dynamics in my family but nothing has helped quite like just being independent from them and having my own place. Do I think just moving out alone would have helped me? No. If I moved out without ever having to go to therapy, I think it would've been more like me running away from my problems and trying to run away from my dysfunctional tendencies not knowing it would still follow me because I can't run away from myself. I honeslty wouldn't be much different from my parents. But I feel like since I did therapy and I did do the inner work, the external solution was able to do it's thing and help me maintain the inner work that I worked so hard to do. 

Going to the dermatologist + prescription skincare: I had a lot of skin issues growing up and I tried everything under the sun to help with my skin discolortion and acne. Eventually, I learned to accept myself, build confidence in a variety of ways, and I know that I'm still beautiful, lovable, worthy, all that jazz. It wasn't something that I felt like I always had to hide nor did I get depressed about the way I looked. But it still bothered me and took up a lot of mental space in the form of skincare / self care. Once I got better health insurance from my job, I went to the dermatologist, they gave me 2 things that worked well for my specific skin condition,  and honestly after that I felt like I finally started seeing results and the mental chatter around skincare calmed all the way down. I didn't feel as suceptable to the consummerism and marketing around skincare and the annoyance around my skin in the back of my mind disappeared. It feels nice to be able to focus on other things. 

Having *that* conversation with my dad: *That* conversation refers to how I discussed how I actually felt about my family, cutting myself off from people, and what to do going forward especially in the event that my father passes away before my other family members do and I'm essentially stuck with them. I have worked on myself in therapy and contemplated this topic for YEARS. And while I did do a lot of work and healing, nothing gave me closure and financial peace of mind quite like that conversation. I'm glad I did this when I did and not do it prematurely because I feel like I had to do all of this work in order to reach a point where this external solution gave me this much peace of mind and ensured that I wasn't doing this to run away from my family situation. 

***Stomach Liposuction: I haven't done this yet but I do think that it's an external solution in the same way the stuff above is in that it can help a lot with my mental chatter and neurosis because I have a good foundation of inner work to back it up. Besides my stomach, I am pretty content with my body and I can practice both body positivity and neutrality. I have a healthy relationship to both food and exercise for the most part and my weight has never had any crazy fluctuations. I have been going to therapy for my body image issues and I feel like I have mentally and emotionally analyzed it to death. I have also worked through most of my internalized fatphobia, educated myself on various issues, and addressed a lot of my internalized diet culture. But I feel like I keep hitting this wall with my stomach in the same way I felt like I was hitting a wall with my body checking prior to getting contacts, a wall with my self love around being single, a wall with my mental health while living with my parents' house, a wall with my skin issues, and a wall with my family relations prior to implementing the respective external solutions to put an end to my internal problems once and for all. 

I still have some hang ups regarding this because of how invasive it is, how I'm waiting for my frontal lobe to finish forming, and the cost. But I do genuinely think that I have put a lot of thought into this and that I'm not using this as a band aid to fix all of my problems. I just feel like this will give me a lot of peace of mind and calm down the last bit of persistent mental chatter. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Feeling 17 

I have talked in past posts about how I didn't quite feel like an adult despite being an adult in tangible ways and how I instead felt like a 20 something teenage girl. 

I feel like 24 so far has been me solidifying the view of myself as a capable adult. It started with me thinking about how 24 felt like a big age just before my birthday but also how I had faith that I'll grow into growing up. I also think just me having to live on my own and pay my own bills contributed to a greater sense of autonomy and self efficacy. Next month I will be coming up on 1 year of me living by myself. 

I remember having many moments in the past from the ages of 20-23 where I still felt like I was 17. I remembered stopping and thinking that in various occations and I came to the conclusion that the feeling I was describing as "feeling 17" was this notion of me encountering new adult situations that I do have the tools to tackle but I don't have the life experience to navigate. Because when you're 17, you aren't a child any more and you can think critically and are navigating more complex topics, emotions, and situations, but at the same time you aren't old enough to fully navigate these situations effectively since you don't have history and hindsight to help you out. I talked about this with my dad as well and he told me that even well into his adulthood in his 40s, 50s, and even 60s, there were moments where he felt 17. Some of these moments include when I was born and was growing up, when my grandmother (his mother) passed away, and even planning for his retirement. He was encountering something new that he had the tools to handle, but it was still a challenge to navigate due to his lack of life experience right at that time. 

Basically, I had a lot of moments where I thought to myself on how I felt 17 but I knew damn well that I'm not actually 17 when I'm faced with a conversation with at 17 year old. 

However, now, at 24, I feel like I don't have the same "feeling like I'm 17" experience. I feel like I have grown into growing up in a lot of ways. I think I have done the inner work to realize that adulthood in my generation, doesn't really look like the adulthood of my parents' generation. And instead of seeing this idealized image of an adultier- adulthood way back when a 24 year old could afford a wedding, a family of 4, and a house quite easily and thinking that I'm so far behind, causing me to fall into a spiral of self infantilization, I feel secure in my adulthood even if I might not have all of the material signifiers of western adulthood. I think the video below is a good description of how I feel: 

Instead, I sometimes find myself wanting to feel 17 again. I guess part of it is the monotony of settling into any stage of life rather than the constant state of evolution you find in your formative years (roughly 15 to 25) as I find myself closer to the end of that range. I think another part of it is linked to the mild depression I had earlier this year about my career path which led me to unpacking a lot of self deprecation I experienced in the back of my mind due to the chip on my shoulder from my college experience. When I was 17, I felt like I could do anything. I can see how part of it is naive but the optimism for my future was nice. I was a straight A student with a charismatic personality who thought about things deeply and was really into self development. I remember feeling like I had all of the tools to do big things. I was an academic weapon who felt like I could get my foot in the door of most universities without really trying. I had an engaging enough personality, depth, and self awareness to where I felt like I could utilize my smarts in a unique and clever way that would propell me into success. And I was into self development in a way that made me feel like I was ahead of my peers in terms of healing trauma and avoiding common pitfalls. Looking back, I do thank my teenage self for providing the foundation for the person I am today. But I think the naiveity comes from how small my world was back then. I feel like I was smart and interesting relative to 110 of my peers in a small town in the suburbs of Dallas. Like I really was out here thinking that I had what it takes to go to a prestigious university, get into medical school or get into law school or become a high power career person in consulting or finance (or similarly glamorous career), travel the world, buy a house in my 20s, have a string of multiple romantic relationships and get married before 30, go viral on social media and create a following in something I found meaningful and well... do something impressive with my life. I didn't know what that impressive thing was nor did I know whether or not I wanted the stuff that I listed out before. The naiveity came from me projecting my successes as a teenager onto what I thought adulthood was going to be like despite the fact that I didn't know how the adult world was going to consist of since at 17, I didn't have experience with the adult world. I sure as hell didn't know what adulthood was going to look like post pandemic and the chaos of the world I would have to navigate. 

I had a series of events that caused this view of myself as this person who was capable of anything challenged. The first was the colleges I didn't get accepted to. The second was me academically struggling during my 1st year due to my mental health. And the third was the pandemic and it's affects. Basically, starting from the college acceptances all the way to graduation, I was humbled, and not in a good way. I remember starting the application process with a sense of wonder of where I would end up and what I could become. By the time college graduation and the time to apply for jobs came around, that sense of wonder was replaced with fear and economic anxiety. That person who thought she could do anything back in September 2017 when she was touring colleges was replaced with a person who felt like she's not going to amount to much in this lifetime in December 2022. 

While I do feel like I have recovered from this to a certain extent, I still miss that naive sense of confidence and innocent self importance. I think I am doing better now that I have recovered from my mild depression/ existential crisis and that I have a taste of what corporate life is actually like (and realizing that I'm more capable than I originally thought fresh out of graduation). But I still feel like I can't quite replicate that naive sense of confidence and innocent self importance. I think in a way, I feel like I'm too aware of my short comings due to my past while also being too aware of all of the talent and privilege that is actually out there in the world due to me getting exposed to the world outside of my small town. I feel like I can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, which makes me desire this aspect of feeling 17 even more. 

On top of the naive sense of confidence on the individual level, I think part of me also mourns what I thought adult life was going to look like at 17. My views of adulthood consisted of the pre-pandemic world and influenced by the feeling of the Obama administration (also, inflation who?). Trump and the craziness of 2016 felt like an anomaly back then as my teachers would urge us to pay attention to the news because this will be history, not the norm that it has solidified to in 2024 where we roll our eyes whenever we hear the word "unprecendented." Also at 17, I was not aware on how capitalism was fucking everything up and I still had girl boss day dreams. While I never got emersed in rom coms, I do feel like shades of my view of adulthood was influenced by the media in the 2000s. This video summarize things well: 

 

The sections I want to emphasize for this post are the following:

• 12:10-15:22 An Economically Chaotic Match
• 18:14-27:01 The Romcom's Relationship With Money
• 31:30- 36:05 Your Job: The One True Love Of Capitalism 
• 46:48- 50:48 Congratulations, Life Ends At 30!

While the video "Millennial Women May Never Recover From The Rom Com" and the video I linked before it. "Why Slow-Adulting is a Good Thing" mainly focuses on well... the Millennial generation, I feel like as part of the older part of Gen Z I still relate to it. While Millennials had the 2008 recession disrupting their expectations adulthood and the timeline of various adult milestones, for Gen Z, it was the pandemic. I don't know what will be said about my generation in 10-15 years and I'm sure I'll relate to that more since it would be more directly pointed to my experience. But until then, this is what I'm working with in terms of relatability.

I think the main difference is that the expectation of adulthood vs the reality was more of a rude awakening for Millennials since they remember the 90s and how stable and prosperous it was. So as a result, the whole notion that your generation isn't going to have the same standard of living as their parents and that this is the first American generation in a while where this is the case, is pretty jarring because of all the false promises that were made to Millennials. I think for Gen Z on the other hand, where most of us don't remember a pre 9/11 world and where adults arguing about the economy and health care circa 2011 was the back drop of our childhood, we didn't have a rude awakening rather we didn't have the chance to sleep. I do remember as a teenager occationally watching some of these rom coms in question and thinking they were wildly out step from reality in 2016 even though back when they were made they were closerto  (but still aspirational)  the realities of a 20 something in the 90s. I think for me, I didn't have the lie that said *get any college degree from anywhere and you'll be set for life* but I did get the lie of *you need to work your tail off to get into an amazing school and get a practical degree that is practical enough to where you can get a job but not so much so that you're only doing it for the money and you'll be set.* In other words, there was this notion that the older generation was pointing to our older millennial siblings and saying *you'll be fine so long as you don't buy avocado toast and you get a degree in something other than music from a good insitution.* Instead of acknowledging the systemic factors of why Millennials were struggling, we were told to simply make different decisions on an individual level.  

However, I see how using individual decisions to systemic issues that are larger than ourselves doesn't adequetly address the issues around us. We can't all be software engineers (hello, tech lay offs). I see the individualistic way of addressing the pitfalls the Millennials ended up in fall apart in this post pandemic world, where even some of my friends who got more pratical degree struggled to get a job in some situations because they were applying to hundreds of jobs on LinkedIn and many of them were probably phantom job posts. Sure, there are times where I sit and think about how I should have done more with my life, but rather than feeling like a blob of wasted potential, I can realize that I have done everything in my power and that even though I'm not living my dreams, I'm still living a decent life considering the chaos around me. I'm doing what I can and what I can is enough but I know that there is only so much that can be done in the face of systemic issues and chaotic / unpredictable events. As a result, while I think what older Gen Z is getting a more intense version of what Millennials have gone through in terms of generational wealth hoarding and late stage capitalism, I think in some ways it feels less surprising and jarring because there was always some form of chaos in the background growing up and this notion that you have to work your tail off which tampered expectation to a certain extent while shades of those expectations still remain. 

To tie this in with how it relates to feeling 17 (in 2017), I think feeling 17 and the naive confidence that comes with it also corresponds with the lie that your individual choices will prevail even systemic hurdles and unpredicatble life circumstances. And a lot of it is because 17 year old me wasn't aware of the full extent of systemic economic issues her generation would encounter and lord knows that she couldn't have predicted something like a pandemic hitting her and transforming the world. 17 year old me would be shocked to hear this because at the time she thought things were as crazy as it can get, but 2017 really feels like a simplier time considering the shit show that is happening now. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Living in the 1999 Life in 2024 Zeigeist: Experiencing the Neoliberal Dream in Late Stage Capitalism

I watched Office Space and despite the fact that the movie was made 25 years ago, I found myself relating to it on an individual level in my day to day life (you know.... minus the white collar crime part) but I felt like I didn't relate to the narrative completely since it's from a different cultural context. Lets run down a list shall we....: 

• Boring stable office job that lets me pay my bills: Check 
• Monotony of daily life that gives me a Sisyphean existential crisis: Check
• Corporate being annoying and seemingly pointless: Check 
• The ability to buy a house in a few years and not be burdened with student loan debt: Check not because of my job but because I grew up economically priviledged 
• A broader sense of stability on a collective level that can justify capitalism: Hell No
• A sense that this office job is the worst thing in my life: No 
  • While I get not being super happy about a boring corporate job, I just couldn't relate to the main character in Office Space being like *everyday is the worst day of my life at this job* sentiment. I think it's because I live in 2024 and some semblence of stability feels comforting, even if it is largely unfulfilling. But I can imagine this driving you nuts if you're a white guy in the 90s where there it monotony all around you and not just at work. 

I sometimes find people online either romanticizing 90s corporate culture or making fun of the movies in this era. The romanticization comes from the fact that it's rough out here and that a college degree or typical office job won't get you the middle class lifestyle you grew up with in the 80s, 90s, and 00s. Like you know what, maybe a boring office job that pays my bills and lets me get a house in the suburbs would be nice buuuutttt noooo instead we have the gig economy and rent is averaging at $2000 a month and many people have to pick up a side hustle to keep themselves afloat.  And I've seen videos of people making fun of the cubicle movies where people are like *Hi, my name is Bob and the worst thing in my life is that I rot in a cubicle and that I have a boring life in the suburbs.* Like damn, first world problems much lol? Things have gone to shit to where 35 years later, we're romanticizing Homer Simpson's life as aspirational even though he was created to be the butt of the joke and someone you don't want to be (like imagine being able to own a house, care for a family of 6 including your aging parent, all under a single income at the power plant factory, must be nice in 2024),

Sure the monotony gets to me sometimes and the passage of time where the days feel long but the weeks and months feel short gives me an existential crisis, but honestly, I'm doing much better than a lot of people. Honestly a boring corporate job that doesn't over work you and you can confortably afford your life style is a dream for most people nowadays. I can't stand my job sometimes but I would be a fool to take it for granted and do something stupid and act like a white man in a cubicle movie. I might be living a 1999 life but there's no denying that it's 2024 and the stakes are very different. 

But while I'm grateful, I'm not naive to think that this is something everyone deserves. Definitely everyone deserves reasonable working hours, a fair wage, and general peace of mind but I'm talking about the monotony, aimlessness, busy work, and pointlessness of office life. I also think it's important to remember this quote from Innuendo Studios. 

"It was the neoliberal dream come true. The 90s were the best argument that the system works so long as the right people are in charge....The neoliberal dream did come true once and we weren't happy. We were famously disenchanted with it."  

The answer isn't to put up and shut up, throw up my hands and say that this is the best that things can get.  But it feels a different kind of bad to sometimes say this out loud because things are so much worse for other people. And I know it's also not the answer conflate the bad of an office job and terrible of the gig economy and struggling with inflation are the same thing or that bad is preferable to terrible.  There is better out there and constantly looking back isn't going to get us anywhere because the past got us to where we are today. Idk, I guess I'm trying to convey that I feel in conflict because my personal experience doesn't match with what I'm seeing collectively. I feel a good amount of dissonance when I'm just trying to do my job that I have the privilege of having despite the world around me going up in the flames of late stage capitalism. I feel like I have to cut myself out from a piece of humanity, the piece that relates to the existential dread of the common man, the piece that empathizes with the tragedies going on and the social movements gaining momentum, for a moment so that I can do my job and pay my bills that I'm fortunate to have mAxIMIze ShaREhOlDer vALue. That's some bullshit!

I would say this type of cutting yourself from your own humanity feels different from the 90s version where it's like *bEeP bOP BoOp I am a machine with no personality meant to do everything in the most efficient matter and fall into a mechanical monotony and waste 30 years of my life in a job I hate.* I think this sentiment comes from a lack of individuality and the broader conformity to *the American dream* Rather, the 2024 version of cutting yourself from humanity I feel has more to do with the broader sense of isolation we have felt since COVID and the disappearance of third spaces, the lonliness epidemic, worker exploitation of minimum wage and gig workers, and the notion that we have to keep working and maintain a professional front even when everything is falling apart around us. Rather than a lack of individuality and the expectation of conformity, there is more of an emphasis of lack of community, hyper individualism, and having to cut your empathy off in the fact of your other fellow suffering humans to take care of personal tasks to maintain your survival. While individuality was emphasized as a solution from the 90s monotony and collectivism was in some cases conflated with conformity, the opposite feels true in 2024 where collectivism and community building is seen as the solution and problem is the hyper invidualism of late stage capitalism. 

As I'm writing this out, I find myself thinking about how my personal experiences fall in line with this book I'm reading about The Four Turnings. It discusses history, particularly American history in a cyclical fashion rather than a linear one. It breaks down a period of time that is as long as a long human life, roughly 80 years, called a scelum. And within these 80 or so years, there are four phases, the High, Awakening, Unravelling, Crisis, which corresponds with the seasons Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter. Here is a brief summary of that in the video below: 

Here is another still brief but much more detailed summary that goes into the specific seasons and the generations associated with it: 

I'm not going to repeat too much of what's in these videos but provide enough to have somewhat of a bridge of what I'm experiencing and the theory. Crisis are times when institutions fall apart and shit goes down. This creates more of a need for teamwork and collectivism to face up to challenges that are larger than ourselves. Eventually, the Crisis phase reaches a resolution which then brings in the High. During the High, new institutions are created (think post- WWII new world order), people are the most collectivistic (1950s suburbia), and things are considerably more chill (the GI generation coming back from war and creating the Boomer generation). People are unified, more equal than in the past, and things feel utopian (America encountered an amazing standard of living at this time). However, while the High is utopian for some, it isn't for many people (contrast the idyllic stereotypical 1950s life to what women, POC, and gay people were experiencing at the time) which then leads to an Awakening. After dealing with a 20 year high period, there are people who start to notice the limitations of it, thus leading to the Awakening where people begin to question the institutions set up during the Crisis that were fortified in the High (Civil Rights Movement, Hippie Counter Culture, Free Love etc.). Because peopel are questioning and realizing things, Awakenings can be quite a chaotic time as people begin moving away from the communities and towards more individual self expression. After the realizations of the Awakenings settle in a little bit and weaken the institutions set up in the past, we go into the Unravelling stage where individualism is increasing and leads to it's zenith in the scelum. Things aren't what they used to be in the High and there is a cynical and apathetic vibe to the time. Eventually, shit continues to get bad until we reach the next crisis phase where it feels like things are falling apart around us and we need to find new ways of doing things. The new institutions that emerge in the end of the crisis mirrors the realizations and conclusions of the Awakening. The Crisis usually starts with an economic catalyst (Panic of 1857, Great Depression in 1929, Great Recession 2008), followed by the Regeneracy where people get ideological and polarized in response to the crisis, and then there are numerous shocks (pandemic, international conflicts, internal political instability) which then leads to the mother of all shocks, the Climax (Revolutionary War, Civil War, WWII). The Climax is usually in the form of a war either internally or with a foreign adversary and it forces people to come together after the polarization. And then the cycle repeats. 

The image below summarizes the mood and zeitgeist of each of the turnings: 

I want to focus on the social norms section of this chart. Boomers became adults in the Awakening phase (Individualism Rising) and Gen X came of age in the Unravelling (Individualism Maximum). Millennials are coming of age in the Crisis (Community Rising). It's also important to note that Millennnials in this framwork are defined as kids who were born during the Unravelling phase so like 1984 to 2004. Colloquially, the Pew Research puts the ranges of Millennials as 1980-1995 and Gen Z as 1996 to 2008. So while I colloquially call my self a zoomer in my other posts, according to this framework, I'm a Millennial which is fine because generational year divisions are often arbritrary and require some context for discussion. 

Basically: 

• High: Collectivism Max / Peace but optimistic                     :  D
  • YAY I can support my family of 4 on a single income and buy a house in the suburbs and everyone seems to be living in little boxes in peace. Thank god the war's over)

 

• Awakening: Individualism / Chaos but optimistic                >:D
  • YAY rebellion, I'm passionate about my causes, I don't give af, and I want to express myself. FREE LOVE FUCKERS! I'LL NEVER BE SQUARE! 

• Unravelling: Individualism / Peace but pessimistic              T-T
  • I still care about individual expression but I'm reacting more negatively towards the bland ideal set in the high. FUCK THIS BORING SHIT!

• Crisis: Collectivism Rising / Chaos but pessimistic              :___((
  • Mom come pick me up, I'm scared. I just want a sense of peace of mind, some friends, and never hear the word unprecidented again in my life.  

Another thing that the books on the Four Turnings discusses is how the zeigist of the time isn't necessarily defined by the events during that time period rather it is a cycle of how  we interpret events and innovations. The internet and computers for example came up in a time when we were more individualistic and it was seen as a good thing. The Macintosh 1984 ad is a good example of how computers were seen as a way to break from conformity in a very positive sense. 

But now as individualism is starting to feel stifling, so is the way that the technology is structured and we're trying to find more ways of integrating it with a sense of community. In this Apple ad, they tried to use the same concept of destruction being a segway into innovation as the 1984 ad, but here it comes off as dystopian because while the initial intent is to show *look at all the cool things that are in this singular thin iPad* it comes across as *we're crushing society and collective culture into one individual homogenous thing with no character* 

In conclusion, I think, in my current life situation, it makes sense that while I have the same kind of monotony and peace that was common in the zeigeist of the 90s but I'm interpreting it differently because I'm experiencing this monotony and peace during a Crisis era instead of the Unravelling era.  

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

How the Passage of Time In Adulthood is Fucking Me Up
The best way to describe it is that the days feel long, the weeks and months feel short, but the year feels long. The days feel long because my current job isn't something that interests me a whole lot and I feel like Sisyphous rolling a boulder up a hill. The weeks and months feel short because I do have actual things I need to be doing and when you're productive, time feels like it's going by fast. But also, since I don't have things like spring break, summer vacation, winter/ Christmas break, Thanksgiving break, time kind of feels like a blob because I don't have the breaks to segment parts of my year out and sometimes I feel like I don't have much that I'm counting down towards. I also catch myself feeling kind of angsty since I haven't been taking my PTO and whenever the time comes when I'm supposed to have a break, I have this visceral feeling that I'm not supposed to be working and instead I'm supposed to be hanging out and relaxing. It manifests as a sense of irritability with anti capitalist angst along with feelings of acute burn out. My yearly rhythms of 9-5 life hasn't adjusted in my head. The months and the weeks going by fast also gives me an existential crisis because it's like I blink and the month is over and next thing I know I'm questioning what I've been doing with my life and my time since it all feels like a blur. 

The year feels really long. I think part of it is the acute burn out due to the lack of breaks. Also, I guess things feel  like a blob because when you're in school, there is a linear and segmented process of progression that you get from moving from one grade to another which isn't really a thing in the real world. I know that we're all on our different time table and some people are in seasons where a million things are going on in their lives and there are a lot of changes at once while for others, it kind of feels like a period of stagnation even though they are still growing. I would characterize it as the difference between the flowers in your garden blooming all at once in the spring, harvesting new crops in different weeks in fall, or weathering one storm after another during the winter compared to toiling away in the summer as you tend your fields where even though you know that your crops are growing below the surface and in time they will produce, you're just not seeing any of it now and the days feel long and hot. 

I suppose mid 2022 to 2023 was my spring. Prior to that I had a rough time in high school and college which I would characterize as the winter. From May 2022 to December 2023, I feel like I was growing a lot, having a lot of new experiences bloom, and I was enjoying the beautiful life and garden I have created for myself. I guess that makes 2024 my summer. It feels long and drawn out. Sure it's hot and unpleasant at times like winter, but it isn't as volatile as the storms during the winter so that's good. Other times, it feels soothing, like cat sleeping in a ray of sun. Nevertheless, it feels foreign to me since I'm super familiar with winter since much of my life felt like that, cold, volatile, and always in survival mode with a million thing happening at once. Sure the monotony and the heat isn't fun, but there is more stability and a sense of warmth in summer. I wouldn't say that I'm someone who is bored of ths stability because I've been subjected to chaos my whole life (I dealt with that a little in 2023 but have since normalized this sense of stability and new base line for my quality of life). I'm just not used to the long days and heat which I guess messes with my sense of time. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I Feel Stupid for Wanting to Prioritize Platonic Connections

I know this isn't a new realization, the adults around me have been telling me this since I was a freshman in high school, but it is harder to make and keep friends when you're an adult and it take a lot more intentionality to maintain such relationships since you're not seeing these people everyday anymore and socializing isn't really baked into the way that your life is structured. That isn't new. What is new is how I feel like there is less of an incentive to maintain friends due to the priorities that society believes we should have. Even if you don't subscribe to it, it's sometimes hard not to fall into the path of least resistance especially if you're getting the vibe that this is happening to your friends. 

I feel like after you finish school, it's like friendship goes from one of the big things in your day to day life to an afterthought where you have to plan out catch up sessions on your Google calander with your friend like a month or two in advanced. And even then, life happens and then you have to reschedule. You're no longer living life with your friends by your side rather you have to update them on your life to the side. And this is a pretty shitty feeling when you're a person who derives a lot of fufillment from platonic connections rather than romantic ones. 

The big reason why I'm not neck deep in the lonliness epidemic is because I have a boyfriend and as a result, I talk to another person on a regular basis and I hang out with him like 2x a week. I think it's normalized that after school, much of your time is spent with a spouse or significant other. It's even reflected in the ways that we talk about lonliness in adulthood where whenever you bring up the topic, people automatically assume you're talking about romantic lonliness rather than platonic or familial. I think it's weird that when it comes to dating or a relationship, it's normal and expected to spend time with someone regularly but then when you make the same expectations of a friend to meet up like once a week, suddenly that feels too much. And even though I've never been the type of person whose all like *my man, my man, MY MAN* sometimes if you don't actively pay attention to it and you go along with the path of least resistance societally, your life can become isolated and centered around your partner even if that is not what is true to the way you place your priorities in your life. I feel shitty about being the main person reaching out sometimes. I sometimes try to talk myself out of it because I know that people are busy with work and their family and significant otheretc. and who the fuck do I look like to say they need to prioritize me above their other priorities?! Like if I have a friend who is coming from out of town, I know they are trying to spend time with family or a significant other and I don't want to interfere with that and make it hard for them to squeeze me into their limitted amount of time they have for PTO. 

Then there are careers. I know a lot of people post grad are on their grind to establish their career and that for the first 2-5 years are crucial in terms of getting your self set up, whether that means going to get your CPA, go to med school, law school, or figure out how to pay for that or work long hours in a consulting / investment banking firm so you can get decent exit opportunities afterwards. And all of this is sooo important in terms of ensuring you have a secure financial future, a way to support yourself and maybe a future family, etc. It is literal survival. And on top of that, especially if someone is in a toxic job that overworks them, I know some people barely have time for themselves much less others. I guess since I'm the friend who comparitively has more work life balance and is the party that is capable of being more flexible, I try to be more understanding towards people since I'm like 90% sure that my friends not reaching out isn't from some malicious place. But it gets old being the main person reaching out and I have encountered things this year that has hampered my usual role as the main person reaching out. When I'm being challenged with things in my personal life and as a result, I'm not on top of reaching out to people, it's like crickets. And that makes me feel some type of way. 

I also find myself looking around and feeling dumb that I prioritize friendship in this sort of way. Everyone seems to be prioritizing family/ significant others and their career more than friendships and I find myself wondering if I should do that too. Sometimes I wonder if I'm working hard on my career enough since I'm not stressed all the time or working crazy hours and because I have all this free time to pour into my platonic relationships. And since some of my friends don't have the same luxury even if they want to prioritize our friendship, I end up sitting around at my apartment like...

As someone who doesn't have a close family support system and as an only child, my friends are like my chosen family. But I get a sense that my friends don't see me in the same level of closeness since they have families that are more stable than mine and they have people they can turn to in times when their social life is kind of dry due to friends being in different phases of their lives, in times when they are planning on having kids, or in time for the holiday. As a result, I think I just end up being the one who cares more in the dynamic, thus resulting in some degree of inequality.  So it's like, I know you're supposed to prioritize family, but where does that leave you if you didn't have the luck to be born in a healthy/ functional one? 

And I'm sure that everything I described will get much worse once people get married and/or have kids. I've already had someone ghost me after she got married which hurt but also I'm worried about her since certain aspects of her relationship seems questionable. I've decided that I'm not going to keep reaching out but since I'm worried about her potentially being in a toxic situation, I'm just gonna keep the door open in case she needs anything. With the kids thing, that's 1000% understandable since kids, especially babies, pretty much take up like 90% of a woman's time since the responsiblity for everything typically falls on her. But it's still hard for both parties, both the mom and the friend, to deal with changes like that. 

I've been told since I was 15 that making and maintaining friends as you get older just gets harder. As an anxious and awkward 15 year old, that made me nervous and I thought to myself *well, I already kind of suck at making friends, how tf am I supposed to cope as I get older?* I find myself having that exact feeling but even more so since I'm seeing the theory in practice as an adult. Since this is something that gets harder over time, I wonder if it's worth prioritizing at all and if I'm better of prioritizing career and my romantic relationships more since at least the way that our society right now is structured, those seem more stable and reliable to a certain extent as constants in one's life. But one thing that gives me reassurance is that as I get older, I'll figure things out and that I'll have the tools to deal with things like this in the same way I have more things figured out now compared to when I was 15. 

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

My Quarter Life Crisis 

I watched this video from Dr. K and I feel like I related to some parts of it but not necessarily the intensity of it. I do feel like my 20s are a transformative time and I'm exploring myself and questions I have regarding what I want to do with my life. That said, it doesn't necessarily feel like a crisis, but I guess it's because I've been at a state of existential crisis for varying issues and topics from when I was 10. 

Stage 1: Locked In 

Dr. K talks about how quarter life crises have stages and how the advice in one stage may or may not be applicable depending on where you're at in this process. He goes off of studies on quarter life crises over the last 10 years as well as delve into his personal life experiences in this video. In the first stage of being "Locked In", Dr. K talks about how for many people, they have been told to live life in a certain type of way that isn't entirely authentic to them due to external validation. As a result of the incongruency of what is happening internally and what life is like externally, people start to feel stuck in life. This can especially happen to people who have been working towards something in life that wasn't super authentic to themselves, only to spend so many years doing it to where they feel stuck in their position. The example he uses is the process of becoming a doctor where you spend all these years studying and practicing being a doctor, which you may or may not enjoy, but that is not the same as the day to day of being a doctor. As a result, maybe you fit well through med school but once you become a doctor, the internal and external life aren't in congruence anymore. Or maybe, the case is that you realize that this isn't what you want to do but then you feel like since you have put so many years of dedication to it that you're like *wtf else am I supposed to do!??!* Then you start questioning your identity, your path, and next thing you know you're in an existential crisis. 

The research about the stages cites the following: 

Quote

"Phase 1: Locked in- Phase 1 is indicative that a crisis is building in a person's life. It is defined by a central commitment (or set of commitments) within a life structure that is no longer desired, but which is not yet perceived yet as a realistic target of change. This leads to a felt sense of powerlessness and being trapped. The most common locked in person environments are a) a relaitonship that is no longer wanted, or b) a career path that is highly pressured or dissatisfying. Less common examples are being in a social group that is felt to be dissonant with values or personality or being resident ina dangerous or threatening environemnt. Such commitments are typically adopted for extrinsic motivations, such as being pressured by others, passively drifting into a commitment, or being bounded by a sense of duty to the status quo. Phase 1 frequently involves compulsive activities such as drug or alcohol use, particularly in males, which may add to the sense of being out of control. "

Dr. K also emphasizes exploring yourself and actively creating the life you want for yourself over finding yourself and finding the right career. This is an emphasis of process over the product. Sure, at the end of the quarter life crisis, you might not have solid answers as to what you should be doing,  but if you go through the crisis correctly, the *should* aspect of having a definitive answer becomes a nonissue.  Rather, you become more sure of yourself and your ability to actively craft the life around you instead of finding a neat box to fit into. 

I can relate to the stage of being locked in to a certain extent. I feel like the monotony of my office life and the notion that it's a good idea to work here a couple more years despite the fact that I don't really like it does leave me feeling a little stuck. I do relate to how in the video people wake up in their 20s and are like *is this my life now?!?!* and how there is a lack of congruency between the adulthood we were promised, the one where we have the freedom to do what we want, and the adulthood we have where while we aren't restricted by parents and teachers telling us what to do, instead we are restricted by our responsibilities towards our family, friends, job, health etc. In my opinion, younger people are having this crisis now rather than in their mid life because of how bad things have gotten with late stage capitalism exaserbating these issues to where you can't ignore it until your 40s. I wrote a whole post earlier about feeling 17 and how my expectations of adulthood doesn't really fit in with my reality due to the world changing so much since 2017.   

However, I don't feel completely locked in.  I feel like from my early teens I have done a good job at pushing back against the *shoulds* of society relating to what my parents wanted me to do for my career, or the notion that the formula for happiness is going to college, working in a cubicle job for 40 years, somewhere along the way buy a house and raise a family, and then eventually retire. I think I did a really good job in choosing what I should study in college. It helped me get a stable job while still honoring my interests. Growing up, I had the gift of being an incredbily intrinsically motivated person to where it was sometimes hard for me to respect authority simply because the things they said didn't add up and I was in exitential crisis mode all the time since the typical things that externally motivated kids didn't really stick with me. I also chose my field of study knowing that people can change a lot over the years and that I shouldn't commit to a path at 18 since I'm so young and I have so much more figuring out to do. I double majored in Managment and International Relations with a minor in Human Rights. All of these degrees are flexible enough to where I can have the freedom to get into various industries due to the types of skills you develop in these disciplines. And my business degree is much like an engineering degree to where I can take on a reasonably paying job right after college without having the same pressure to have to get a masters or some kind of graduate school like my peers who only majored in a liberal arts degree or medicine.

I think the other reason why I don't feel completely locked in is because I consciously chose the boring corporate job I have right now. I knew as I was exiting college in this chaotic time that the best thing I can do financially and for my mental health is to get a boring corporate job with prospect, decent pay, and work life balance, so that I have some sort of stability and financial safety net to figure out what I REALLY wanted to do. Despite the existential dread this job can bring, I feel like I can think more clearly in terms of what can bring me fulfillment and what direction I want to go when I'm not actively worried about bills, moving out of my family's chaotic environment, and the prospects I have after graduation. Sure, I still have challenges related to survival, but my mind is so much clearer because I can think about what I want to do rather than what I need  to do. I'm not as clouded by survival as I was 2 years ago when I was studying abroad and feeling incredibly apprehensive about my future because I have more of my survival taken care of. So even though I feel a little stuck in a Sisyphean sense, I do feel like the monotony has produced a net degree of freedom for me despite the draw backs.

I also feel like I don't fully relate to how Phase 1 causes you to question your identity because I think I did a good job at deconstructing things and I didn't go into my job post-grad defining myself based on my career path. I went in with the mind set that a job is sometimes just a job and that I can find fulfillment in various other areas of life like my relationships, various hobbies, and volunteer work. Sure, I'm a empathetic and artistic person, but that doesn't mean I need to monetize those character traits by studying to be a therapist or starting an etsy shop that will eventually support me with my paintings. At the same time, while I know how to derive pleasure and fulfillment from various areas of my life, I'm trying to find exactly where I fit in the spectrum of *a job is just a job, clock in and clock out, live your best life outside of work*  to *my job is my passion and life purpose and I want that to be the center of my life.*  I don't see either of these resonating with me completely but I don't see myself as not finding a sensse of truth in both of those statements either. So yes, I do feel a bit lost in terms of how my current job feels kind of souless and I'm questioning what I care about and what I want to master but at the same time, it's not so bad because I know that I'm not tied down to a fixed identity around all of this, that my job and career is a part of my life and not the whole. 

 

Phase 2A: Separation 

Dr. K describes this phase as when you physically and mentally check out of our situation because internally you don't want to do this anymore but externally, you feel like you're stuck in this life that you can't change. However, this isn't a problem to be solved, rather a phase you need to go through. The research cites the following:

Quote

 "The separation phase is the most affectively intensse period of crisis; emotions experienced may include guilt, sadness, anxiety, excitement, relief and shame, while self-evaluation may oscillate between upbeat self confidence and self-disgust. During Phase 2A, for those who initiated the separation and change, there is a gradual de-coupling of identity from commitments and roles, leading to a conscious accpetance that leaving is possible and a growing motivation for change and escape. For those who don't initiate the act of separation but instead are fired from their job or their partner leaves them, the physical act of sepation occurs prior to the cognitive-affective separation. Having lost the identity that defined them during Phase 1, but not having yet gained a new identity to replace it, a temprary 'identity vacuum' is experienced/ The sense of confusiont hat comes with this is described as anxiety provoking and disacociating." 

Dr. K expands on this by describing that the oscilation between upbeat self confidence and self disgust as being afraid of the future but feeling ashamed about not taking action despite the fear, or being proud of how far you have come in terms of your achievements, such as graduating from Harvard medical for example, but still feeling some sort of disconnect because the new identity hasn't formed yet and you feel some type of way despite your life looking good on paper. It's a process of moving from extrinsic motivation to intrinsic motivation. People often stall at this phase because they think that feeling disconnected is a problem rather than something they have to move through and as a result, sometimes they end up doubling down to shoo away these feelings instead of letting those feelings lead them into action unless they are forced to because life takes away their job or spouse for example. 

I feel like the description quoted above and Dr. K's expansion sums up some of the emotional experiences I have had when I was mildly depressed for a couple months. I did feel that sense of self-disgust at my fuck-ass corporate job because it felt like the people around me are pursuing something greater and eventually, while I'm going good for myself right now, I will be left behind in a dead end corporate job while my peers will be pursuing something greater in terms of skill and fulfillment like going into law, medicine, diplomacy, getting a CPA etc. I went through a phase where I was deconstructing some of my self deprecating tendencies and how I have a chip off my shoulder from college regarding my performance and my inability to work long hours. And I think I came out of it with a greater sense of appreciation of where I am right now,  my accomplishments regarding the things I have been working hard towards, and a greater sense of humility. Because humility is about not thinking of yourself. It isn't self deprecation since while you're not in constant praise of yourself like a grandiose narcisissist, you're still centerring yourself by constantly picking yourself apart. Yes, humility is recognizing that there is always people who are better than you in some way, but humility is also recognizing that you're pretty damn good yourself and being thankful for your own gifts and fortune instead of taking them for granted. 

I don't think I went through the de-coupling phase of separating your identity from your commitments and roles since I wasn't super latched in to begin with and I think this crisis isn't hitting as hard because I have been so intrinsically motivated for so long in my life. As a result, the process in which I was navigating this path, prior to coming across the obstacle course that is the quarter life crisis, was already correct even though I haven't gotten to the product. But that's the whole point, the process is more valuable than the product and I think even listening to this video, that gives me a sense of relief because while I do feel lost since I haven't *figured things out* yet, it's nice knowing that I'm going about this the right way. 

However, I do find myself checking out because of my tendency to zone out on tiktok on the regular and having a screen time that I'm not ready to confront just yet. I do sometimes feel like I'm going through the motions and then I feel a sense of panic set in when I realize that I have been disassociating in the productivity of my job to where Monday to Friday feels like a blur, then the weekend goes by even quicker, and next thing I know, my week and the whole month flew by. I feel like my chronically online tendencies falls in between the phase 1 tendency to get into an addiction or compulsion to cope with the existential crisis mixed in with the separation of phase 2A. 

 

Phase 2B: Time Out 

Here, while you do have still have the sense of separation of phase 2A, often times people think it's beneficial to take a break from what they're doing to figure their shit out. Often times, this involves going to a different location to get yourself out of your current life to think about what else you can do instead. People often get stuck in phase 2A because they are dead set on making their old life work and doubling down because you want to cling on to the stability of the old rather than seeing what else is out there and jumping into phase 2B.  The research cites the following : 

Quote

"Phase 2B: Time Out; During this phase, a person intentionally takes time away to reflect on their transitional situation, to resolve painful emotions, and to develop a new foundation for their adult identity. Durign the time-out period, whether before or after final separation, a person often travels or moves to a different physical location in order to gain some distance and perspective on the troubles of Phase 2A. The reason that the Separation and Time Out phases are labelled as sub-phases of Phase 2 is that they are two parts of the dtachment process, and phase 2B sometimes comes before Phase 2A while in other cases if occurs after Phase 2A. Motivationally, this period is described by avoidance- the desire to not mind in to new commitments or pursue future aspirations." 

Dr. K describes his own situation and how he had to travel across the world and separate himself from grades and achievement to gain more clarity. He also talks about how many people in this stage want to escape their old life for the new, but they still want to cling to the stability and certainty of the old life. Then they start asking themselves how they know if XYZ is the right thing to do. As a result, people in Phase 2B have the avoidance of the future as well because they want a guranteed future and they're stuck in their heads without being able to embrace uncertainty of not knowing what will happen after they make these decisions. Phase 2B makes you avoid the past and avoid the future because you're not ready to make a plan. 

I do find myself relating to phase 2B in that I'm planning a trip coming up later this year where I take a month out of work to travel. Part of it is following things that make me happy, such as learning about different cultures, and also challenging myself in the process since I'm very much the type of person why makes travelling a sport or boot camp of sorts rather than a relaxing day at the beach. Listen, if I fly my ass half way across the world and spend a shit ton of money to get there, I'm not going to be sipping a maragarita on the beach. I can relax and do that shit in Texas. If I'm taking my time and money that far away, I'm going to do as much as I can with my time and immerse myself in that culture rather than isolating myself in a resort, or doing like 1 or 2 things a day. I'm also taking this trip because I want to see what travel means to me and what role it's going to play in my life. Is this an itch that I need to scratch every few years, or is this something I want to do on a semi regular basis? How important is this to my sense of fulfillment and to what extent do I want to share this with a significant other? Answering this question is goign to be important regarding my choices in my life partner, my reproductive choices, and my career to a certain extent. 

I'm currently dating someone who I love but who I tend to clash with in terms of intellectual compatibility. I'm very traditionally smart in relation to academics, nerdy hobbies, and writing out my existential crisis in the form of long ass essays that really only I read (and occasionally my friends and significant other when I have a lot of say so I give them assigned reading lol). He is very intelligent on technical matters and is very trade school coded. And this difference was a source of admiration for both of us in the relationship. He's impressed by the interesting things I have to say and the conversations we have and I'm impressed with the more unconventional path he took careerwise where instead of going into college, he went more on the certification route in IT. It inspired me and gave me the courage to take my own path in college and honeslty, he's so intelligent about things that I don't know shit about. Like he's the type of person who you can call to fix your car, your plumbing, your internet issues, and any other DIY project you may have where I suck at basically all of these things. I remember seeing a very old Tumblr post. I have no clue if this is true but I do think it's very funny but it's this anecdote of the Obama's helping their elder daughter Malia move into Harvard. Everyone is helping her move in and Barack is just twiddling this thumbs in the corner and Michelle is like *what are you doing just standing there, go do something.* Then Barack is trying to set up like some IKEA furniture and is struggling with the instructions. And I'm very much like Barack in this anecdote where I am smart and successful in my own ways but I struggle with technical and detail oriented things that my boyfriend is really good with. 

Despite the fact that we're both really smart in our own ways, I feel like there is a lack of fulfillment in my relationship because while it's really happy, healthy, and supportive, I don't feel like my intellectual needs are being met. And I'm trying to figure out exactly how much of that need I need to be met for a life long commitment to someone. Maybe I can find this intellectual fulfillment in my friends and my career rather than my life partner, which is fine since I don't expect my husband to fulfill every single need I have as that can be a nerve wrecking expectation. Part of me thinks that if I get a job that I'm more intellectually engaged with that this will alleviate the pressure in getting my needs met through the one avenue of my partner. It was kind of nice during college where I was academically challenged but then I got to turn my brain off around my partner temporarily. At the same time, I remember even then picking up on the feeling of the lack of intellectual fulfillment in my relationship even though I couldn't really articulate it to myself at that time. And even now, while I do have an outlet through my hobbies to get my intellectual needs met, I still feel the lack of fulfillment. To tie it back to travel, I think part of it is because I'm considerably more well travelled and I care about travel more than my boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with having different interests, but I think it's important to have some common ground in certain interests that give you a lot of fulfillment so that you can continue connecting to the other person over time. And I'm trying to figure out if that is the case for me with travel. 

The role travel plays in my life also factors into my reproductive choices since I'm still on the fence about whether or not I want to have a child. If this is something that I need to get out of my system when I'm young or if this is simply an itch that I want to scratch every few years, that's great in terms of the possibility of having a kid. However, if I want to regularly travel, that's going to be more challenging because it's difficult and expensive to travel with a kid and it's likely that for the first 5-10 years that I'm not going to be travelling often. Some challenges include your baby crying on a flight, or your toddler / young child being cranky and hyper active from travelling long distances. Travelling can be distressing and anxiety inducing but when you're an adult, you have more emotional regulation skills than a child to be dealing with the inconveniences that are thrown your way. I feel strir crazy after a long flight and I don't want to be seated for that long. A 5-year old feels the same way but they don't have the impulse control to stay put, which is developmentally appropriate for their age, so then they end up acting out, throwing tantrums, and running around. Not to mention things get so much more expensive when you're travelling with a family rather than just solo. If I do have a kid, I do want to raise them in the way I was where I give them the gift of travel and having a variety of experiences, but I do realize that the lifestyle my parents were able to give me in the 2000s has a very different liklihood of achievability in 2024 financially. I'm not saying that it's impossible to travel after you have a kid, but there are a lot of additional things you will need to think about before making this decision.  And if it turns out that travel is more important to me, I see nothing wrong with pursuing my sense of fulfillment in that route rather than becoming a parent. 

Finally, there is the role of travel in one's career. I don't have the same rose toned glasses I had at 17 when I found out that you can travel for work as a consultant for example. The reality is that travelling for work isn't as glamorous as it can seem. Often times as a consultant, you will be shipped off to the butt fuck of nowhere in Idaho surrounded by potatos instead of New York or San Francisco. Even if you do go to somewhere more exciting, you're travelling on the company's time so you might not have the time or energy to actually explore. And I think that's a different kind of torture to where you dreamed of travelling your whole life but when you finally get the opportunity to do so, you can't even enjoy it properly. I also have friends who do have to travel frequently and it really disrupts with their ability to have a healthy routine which affects their physical and mental health. At the same time, I do know that travel is an important factor in my life and I don't know how exactly travelling for work will affect me, so I'm not completely ruling it out as something that can be integrated career wise. Which is why I think having a month where I'm constantly travelling can be insightful to the questions I have for myself and how I want to structure my life careerwise but also in terms of my romantic relationships and reproductive decisions. It will also give me some distance from my daily life, my relationship, and my job in a way that simply taking a week off work can't. 

 

Stage 3: Exploration 

Dr. K opens this section by quoting the research.

Quote

Phase 3: Exploration- In this phase, new commiments and goals are proactively tried out and explored. A person now purpsoefully looks for ways of developing a life structure that is more aligned with their own values, aspirations, and inner identity than pre-crisis. For those whose crisis revovled around the demise of a relationship rather than job, Phase 3 typically involves experimentation with relationships, sexuality, and new partners. For those whose crisis revolved around the demise of a job or career, Phase 3 involves trying out new career aveneues and options for retraining. A clear change in identity is present at this stage- participants describe becoming increasingly comportable with exploring their identity in an open- ended way, allowing it to evolve and change rather th to fix on  to a particularly externally defined role. The self becomes a question rather than an answer, and a process rather than a product. 

Dr. K elaborates on this by saying that's a process of actively recreating yourself and reinventing yourself, rather than finding something and getting stuck in it again. Some people get stuck here because they don't think they have the time to experiment for it's own sake and just want the right answer, whether that be the perfect partner, career, etc. The problem isn't that you don't have the right answer, that goes back to the old way of thinking pre-crisis. The problem is assuming that there is a right answer to begin with and that you don't have to actively craft the life you want. Dr. K also talks about how the advice to *just put yourself out there* when it comes to dating doesn't always work for people is because they haven't done the work in phase 1, 2A, and 2B to get to the exploration phase since you have to figure out what is wrong, unpack the baggage you currently have and separate yourself from it before re-establishing your identity so that you have the room for new things to enter into your life. 

I feel like this really resonates with my on the career level because I always have people telling me that I need to start searching on Linked-In and start applying to jobs since I'm dissatisfied. But I don't quite feel ready for that. For one, I don't want to get into this job market until after I have had more experience professionally and have gotten a couple promotions. There are still things that I want to learn from this job before moving on to something new. Another reason that came to me while watching this video is that I'm still mainly in phase 2 and I need to work through some things before I start property putting myself out there so that this is done in a more sustainable way. While I'm not super happy with my position at work right now, I don't quite feel ready to put myself out there. Part of it is the phase 2 pitfall of being afraid to let go of the old while also not being happy with the old, but another thing is that I simply just don't feel ready not because I'm lazy or lacking in ambition, but because I'm not in that phase of the process yet. I honestly think travelling for a little bit will help me a ton and this video has made me feel more motivated to take more action in my life since I know the way this process is structured and where I am right now. 

Stage 4: Rebuilding 

The research explains the following:

Quote

"Phase 4: The phase of Rebuilding involves a renewed engagement with long-term commitments and clear plans. Motivationally, this period is defined by a stronger sense of intrinsic motivation than pre-crisis; work and home life are described as more inherently satisfying and enjoyable, and more reflective of personal interests and passions, compared with pre-crisis. Typically, Phase 4 intrinsic motivations are liked to an enhanced sense of purpose and meaning, often based around a unifying aspiration or dream that is perceived as valuabel and helpfil rather than purely instrumental. Identity in Phase 4, when compared to pre-crisis descriptions, is distinct by being more coherent; inner values, perferences, feelings and goals are now expressed in outward behavior, leading a stronger sense of authenticity."

Dr. K explaines that what got us into this problem in the first place is that we crafted a life without understanding who we are or exploring ourselves. As a result, there is a fundamental mismatch of the life around you and who you are. In order to get through the quarter life crisis, you need to recognize that this sucks for you, check out mentally, then intentionally check out, then you start exploring yourself where it's not about finding the right answer but discovering who you are. And unless you intentionally leave, whether that means going to somewhere else geographically, surrounding yourself with different people, you can't do that exploration. From that sense of exploration comes a greater sense of who you are intrinsically, thus causing you to be able to actively craft your life consciously to make your external life align with your inner life. He then goes into talking about his life and experiences with these phases from 24:35 to 27:53. Dr. K then goes back to the research that says the following about phase 4: 

Quote

"Crisis help to overcome the change intertia that has found to characterize adult life structures. A second development function of crisis is that coping with difficulty and stress can facilitate postive development. For example, coping successfully with a crisis provides direct evidence of personal efficacy, which can boost confidence. Encountering the limits of an immature identity or incoherent life structure can lead to a more mature and realistic sense of self and a more balanced lifestyle, while changes made as a result of a personal crisis may lead to an increased sense of life's meaningfullness and increase in authenticity."

Basically, the crisis is necessary to go through in order to create a better life for yourself. Dr. K goes into this whole thing in an uplifting and motivating way from 28:03 to the end of the video. I'm not going to summarize it since it's something that I think needs to stand on it's own and I can't do it justice in a summary lol. 

I can relate to the fact that there is a fundamental mismatch of the life around me and who I am and that I have crafted my life as of right now without exploring myself . I say this even though I have been intentionally thinking of various questions regarding my identity and what I want from my life not because I don't have an understanding of myself but because given that I'm only a couple years out of college, simply by my lack of life experience, I haven't explored enough of myself and what I want long term. I'm like at the infancy stage of establishing my adult life. As a result of the work I have been putting in over the years, I don't think I'm dealing with this as intensely as a lot of my peers who are more entrenched in an extrinsically motivated world than I am. The last bit of this video was really nice and it did give me a lot of hope and reassurance regarding where I'm at right now. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Questions I Want to Contemplate / Answer with My One Month of Travel

1. What kind of role does travel play in my life and how often do I want to travel? 
2. Do I want travel to be a component of my career? 
3. Is my hobby regarding travelling some thing that is crucial for me to share with a life partner? 
4. How do I feel about travelling to developping countries regarding what I can and can't handle regarding uncertainty and navigating a new environment? 
5. How do I feel about navigating uncertainty before and after this trip? 
6. How did this trip impact my degree of self confidence, agency, and self efficacy? 
7. Do I want to have a child and how do I see this factor into my ideal life style?  
8. How do I feel about my current relationship now that I have gotten some distance from it?  
9. What role does my intellectual needs play in my over all satisfaction in a relationship? 
10. To what extent is travel something that internally and externally motivates me? 
11. Is travel a good source of motivation for me?  
12. What are my takeaways from the new experiences that I'm gaining?
13. What am I learning about the world around me and how I relate to it? 
14. How can I be a more ethical traveler and am I engaging in ethical practices especially as an American?
15. What do I think of my life in this American capitalist hellscape after seeing different ways of living life? 
16. How do I relate to the different immigrant groups in Dallas after going on these trips? 
17. How do I feel about interacting with my family through out all of this and what does it mean for me maintaining some relationships going forward? 
18. What do the answers to the questions above reveal about my sense of purpose, my career, and how I should structure my life? 

 

Things I want to experience in my one month of travel:

For reference, I'm planning on going to Doha, Bengaluru, Kolkata, North Vietnam, South Korea (including Seoul + one other city for a day trip), and Alaska (not sure exactly where but I want to see the northern lights + a couple of national parks).

Doha, Qatar: 

I want this to be a more relaxing part of the trip so that I can ease off of work. I'm planning a spa day do get a facial and a massage, a day where I go to the Museaum of Islamic Art, the National Museaum of Qatar, the Souq Waquif, and the Katara Village,  and going dune surfing.  I feel like there is a good mix of things that makes me relaxed and that lets me engage with the culture of the area. I personally think that going to museaums counts as a relaxing activity and that dune surfing is a fun way to do something that I saw was cool while having a physical activity component to the trip since I really enjoyed biking in Amsterdam when I did my last solo trip. 

Bengaluru, Karnataka, India: 

I'm going to be visiting my cousin, his wife, and his kid here. It's going to be my first time meeting the kid and i think it will be interesting to see the family dynamic lol. I also think it will be interesting visiting them now that I have grown up a little more just to see how that impacts things. I also always wanted to see south India since I heard that it's very different from the other parts of India I have gone to. 

Kolkata, West Bengal, India: 

I'm visiting more family here and I want to also see pujo here as well. I've always done Durga pujo with my family and my South Asian community in Dallas and i always wanted to see how people do things in West Bengal. My dad has many fond memories of going to Kolkata from Sylhet, Bangladesh during pujo season to spend time with family and I just want to see what it looks like when people go all out for pujo in a place where most people are celebrating. And now that I'm an adult and I don't have to wait around for the breaks in a school academic year schedule, I think it would be nice to take advantage of that and travel in October. 

North Vietnam: (includes Hanoi, Ninh Binh, Halong Bay, Sapa)

I've never been to southeast Asia before and I think north Vietnam would be good to go to during the month of October due to climate reasons. I found a tour that lasts for 7 days that I'm interested in taking and I ihave been educating myself on the country and its history more lately. I think this will be a country that will be good for testing how I feel travelling solo in a more developing country in a more structured way, hence the tour. I think it will be a good challenge for me regarding how to navigate myself on this trip and how I feel about future trips going forward. I do have a goal of going to all 7 continents by 30 and I think depending on how I feel about this trip and my competence/ skill as a traveller can help me plan other trips in continents like South America and Africa. 

South Korea: (includes Seoul, and a couple other cities) 

I have never been to anywhere in east Asia. I've thought about going to Japan but I think I'll save that trip to go with a friend who has lived there before, speaks the langauage, and has many things to say about the place. South Korea I think will be interesting in relation to the infrastructure, the transportation system, and the popular culture that has been gaining more and more prominance in the west in recent years. I feel like growing up I was really into east Asian media and I was also inspired to travel to places like South Korea and Japan after finding YouTube channels about people from the U.S. settling there and their reaction to adjusting to the new place and the cultural differences they encountered. Also, I think the food in South Korea and north Vietnam is point of attraction for me as well. Like Vietnam, I also think that travelling in South Korea will be a challenge since I'm navigating a country that doesn't speak English super widely (unless you're in the touristy areas) and I think it's a great way to still challenge myself. 

Alaska: 

My main attraction here is to see the Northern Lights. I heard that this year especially will be a really good year to see the lights. I also want to see the national parks in Alaska because I do find joy in experiencing natural beauty from our environment. I have similar motivations for north Vietnam as well  since it's more rural and scenic in terms of natural beauty compared to the south. I also want to add to the number of states I have visited in the U.S. currently I'm at 27/50. I don't have super definitive goal as to by when I want to see all 50 states but I do want to be well travelled in many contexts, including within the U.S. It's my little way of embracing patriotism I guess lol. I also want to go somewhere cold since that makes me happy. I'm also going to be spending my birthday here and I think that will be a nice way to end the trip. 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Election 

We've all seen the dumpster fire of a debate that Trump and Biden had last week. It was difficult to watch Biden not be able to speak in coherent sentences and Trump dodge every question and ramble on whatever he wanted to talk about. People are talking about Biden stepping down and having a primary for the Democrats because Biden's performance was just that bad. And I'm with that consensus. That men, both men, but especially Biden, is too old to be running and doesn't have the energy to motivate people to vote. As much as I care about experience in public service and records, even if Biden has that going for them, elections are determined by theatrics and performance. And if you look like an incompetant fool on stage who can't meaningfully push back against a facist threat, it doesn't mean shit for what's going on back stage regarding policy. We're also waaaay past policy actually making sense and factoring into voting decisions. You can argue that it was never as strong as theatrics even in the past considering the political literacy of the average voter who votes purely on vibes anyways but especially after 2016, those days are gone.

I'm not happy with Biden's performance as president over the last 4 years, especially when it comes to foreign policy and the genocide in Gaza. But whlie I don't think Biden deserves to be president, Trump most definitely deserves to lose. And after that debate, I remember trying to go to sleep and feeling my life flash before my eyes like it felt when I found out Trump became president back in 2016.  Prior to the 2016 election results, I often found myself thinking that maybe this is just a weird part of history that we're living through and when I wake up on Wednesday, November 9th, I'll wake up to a Clinton presidency and the whole thing will just be a funny memory. Then the Trump presidency happend, 4 years of countless scandals a pandemic, an insurrection, and so much more. I felt like I was on edge for those 4 years politically to the point of exhaustion and checking out. Biden's presidency happend and while things weren't calm and hunky dory, there was at least some semblance of normalcy that was incrementally getting better. Nevertheless, I feel like after the Trump presidency, you couldn't put the toothpaste back into the tube and well... the alt right is still around, we have a Qanon crazy in Congress, and a number of anti gay / trans bills being passed. So while there is an appearance of calm and some things getting better on the surgace, things still feel incredibly chaotic. 

And that shit is not about to slow down. Biden lost the debate miserably and the Supreme Court made a ruling that laws broken while a president is in office is given immunity, thus causing the president to be above the law.  With the stakes being higher than ever, the Democrats are being as incompetent as ever. I know the Trump presidency was bad, but I think it's going to be a lot worse the second time around because of the Supreme Court. 

The Supreme Court's conservative majority frustrates me. But what infuriates me more is the incompetence of the left leaning people. Some fuckers seriously had to vote third party or vote for Harambe as a joke in 2016 instead of realizing the political ineffectiveness of such a strategy, give Trump the election, and then now he packed the court to where I no longer have the rights to my body, my free speech is compormised, and the president is above the law. RBG just haaaad to hold on to power instead of retiring during Obama's administration  where she could've been replaced by another left leaning judge, and then when she inevitably died and in 2020, nonetheless, she got replaced by a conservative justice and now we have a 6-3 conservative super majority who are enacting a bunch of unpopular regressive rulings that are sending us back to the fucking 50s. Listen, I get why people don't like Hillary or Biden, but shit like this is what is literally at stake and being politically ineffective is basically enabling the far right who doesn't give a fuck about any norms or institutions and are wanting to run this whole country down to the ground, erode democracy, and instate their authoritarian regime. Trump is too stupid, egotistical, and incompetent to pull this off since he's not a well versed stateman but I'm afraid of his supporters and those in power who are more intelligent and strategic who will use Trump's cult of personality to uphold white christo-facism. The DNC just haaaad to put Hillary Clinton's uncharismatic ass up there on stage instead of going with Bernie because  the DNC has an institutional neoliberal stick up their ass and can't recognize the positives of populism and how that can help with people's quality of life when it's used to create New Deal type policies instead of hating on women and minorities. And now the DNC is digging their heels in more with another uncharismatic candidate who also lost the debate miserably last week.

This shit is going to keep going on and the chaos isn't going to end soon and definitely chapter of the chaos isn't going to end well. I'm trying to come to terms with this and not be a depressed doomer and generally keep my head high and avoid complacency. And not to toot my own horn, but sometimes I feel like a sane person who is outnumbered by crazy people to where I don't know where to even begin in terms of pushing back.  I feel like nothing has changed since 2016 but also everything has changed since then. I miss life before 2016 but at the same time I know that it doesn't deserve to be viewed through the lens of rose toned glasses since there were a lot of problems back then as well. Nothing has changed since 2016 in respect to the political chaos, gun laws, access to health care, funding for education, or just generally, anything that could help people and aid in their quality of life. But also everything changed in the sense of what is considered normal in politics, cost of living sky rocketting to where most people cannot affort to buy a house, everything that came with the pandemic, and the consciousness around late stage capitalism. I just don't know where to go from here collectively or individually; collectively in where we're going as  country that is so divided and chaotic, and individually in that what the direction of this country means for my personal decisions in my individual life going forward. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Touching Grass 

Maybe this is an extention to me wanting to feel 17 again but part of me feels like things were better when I was a teenager because we touched grass more often then and I want to explore that notion more. I think part of it was because this was the world pre-pandemic and once we went into the lockdowns, socialization moved more into online spaces over real life. Because even back in like 2017, we still had social media and you could still make friends and find community online.I was still chronically online scrolling on Instagram looking at memes but now it's more so replaced with Youtube an Tiktok. But social media now feels very different from when I was in high school. There are so many times where I just stop scrolling because it feels too much and I feel like I need to go touch some grass because I'm being detached from reality which I didn't really encounter when I was a teenager. 

So let's review a few things I see online that makes me feel like I need to go touch grass: 

1. Overconsumption: This includes restock videos for bathrooms and kitchens, makeup hauls, the normalization of botox, your fave influencer saying 100k is not a lot of money, life style inflation in the form of either day to day lives or in vacations, weddings, kids birthdays, special occasions etc.  Basically, everything this channel addresses: 

2. Dating Advice / glow up content: This is a both man and woman problem. On one end you have the alpha male pod cast bros and Andew Tate fanboys and on the other you have the  "divine femininity," Spinkle Sprinkle, guru girlies that tell you how to get your life together. I'll also include faux spirituality here as well. The video below does a good job at dissecting this: 

3. Anything old money ranging from old money fashion, the clean girl/vanilla girl aesthetic, and even European summer travel content. 

4. The thin is in/ return to 2000s skinny and ED culture, wellness influencers, pilates princesses, that girl aesthetic, glow up content

5. The particular brand of NYC tiktokers who all live in Manhattan and don't factor in POC or any other NYC borough into their content and all go to the same influencer events and push the same microtrends and rebrand basic things like light blue nail polish as blueberry milk nails. 

6. Fringe political beliefs becoming mainstream (think Qanon, Campists, leftys who mean well but are saying shit like supporting Hamas when they don't know wtf they are talking about, Moms for Liberty etc.) 

These are some things off the top of my head. I guess the other thing is that there are so many ego backlashes happening simultaneously from reverting back to old gender norms, idealizing old money, swapping body positivity with the thin is in mentality, issues with education and literacy, etc. There's also how social media has been getting more and more moneteized and it's not as much people just chilling and fucking around anymore. If I have to hear another influencer talk about how a regular person needs a "personal brand" I'm going to scream. Like bitch, do you mean having a personality lol, wtf are you talking about??!?!!  I feel like sometimes when I'm online that i'm being constantly either marketted to for products I don't need or I'm being ideologically sold some kind of fantasy as the world around me burns.  Finally, I think the other thing is that I lack a sense of community where I can really be myself at. I have work but I see my coworkers once a week and I'm in my corporate personality rather than just myself. Other than that, I really only hang out with people on a one on one basis and while that is nice, I do miss the exposure I got to a collective from when I was in school. And I think since I'm not socializing in the same way as I used to growing up, the bs you see on social media swoops in trying to fill up that void, whether it's in the form of using overconsumption to fufill your lack of community needs being met by getting an identity from the shit you own, or it's in the form of subscribing to some kind of guru who tries to sell you how relationships work via alpha male or sprinkle sprinkle logic. 

In conclusion, the internet doesn't feel as fun as it once was and sometimes I want to throw my router and smart phone into the trash and pretend like it's 1994 where everyone has to hang out irl.  

[soos_mite_ah]

Promotion

I got promoted at my job a couple days ago. The whole thing feels kind of empty tbh. I guess part of it has to do with how I overestimated how much of a raise I was going to get with a title change combined with how I don't really care about this job. The only people I told were my parents and my boyfriend. I told my parents because they're often worried about me because they think I'm lazy and because I didn't get my masters degree so that they get the idea that I'm advancing at work, that I'm fine, and that I'm continuing to make more money. I told my boyfriend because I talk to him everyday and the conversation came up. I have hung out with friends here and there. I thought of mentioning it but I decided not to since I have more interesting things to talk about and since this didn't quite feel meaningful enough to share. 

I got a 10% raise thus bringing my salary to a little over $75k. For reference, I live in Dallas and since it's not a high cost of living area, I would say it's decent money especially for someone out of college in less than 2 years. But it still doesn't feel like all that much. I think part of it is that I'm used to the life style that comes with making around $70k and making an extra $5k isn't going to impact my standard of living noticibly. I doubt I'm even going to notice it in my paychecks after you deduct tax and retirement and pay me twice in a month.  And while I'm happy with my standard of living where I can afford a 1 bedroom alone and comfortably afford the life style I desire, part of me feels like $75k isn't a lot of money. 

I think if it weren't for the fact I don't have student loans thanks to scholarships, financial aid, and my parents helping out and for the fact that I don't have a car payment from using a hand me down, my financial situation would look very different. While I can put a decent amount of money aside for savings, I sometimes think that if I had a car payment and a student loan payment, I would barely be able to put anything away or I would be living paycheck to paycheck. I also find myself thinking about how I have coworkers who are supporting kids with the same paycheck I'm getting and I can only imagine the financial and quality of life implications that has. That's another thing, I think the reason that $75k doesn't feel like a lot of money is because I know I wouldn't be able to support a family under this income alone nor would I be able to buy a house, two symbollic goals people acheive in adulthood. And even if I have enough money for the down payment with the money I was privileged with saving while living at my parent's house, I wouldn't have enough money to comfortably afford the mortgage, the property tax, the insurance, or any mishaps that can occur that I would be responsible with fixing. While I don't think that homeownership is something I want to aspire to personally, it would be nice to have the option or financial ability. 

But I feel icky in feeling that $75k isn't a lot of money since that this is more than the household income of $60k (and I'm assuming they're factoring in the amount for a dual income household). I do know that I have a lot of privilege in the financial peace of mind I have from being able to afford things without panicking over my budget and being essentially debt free. I guess relative to people around me, especially compared to recent college grads and people my age in general that $75k is a lot. But in the absolute terms of financial milestones like being able to comfortably support a family and buy a house in a few years after renting, the signs of a "middle class," $75k isn't a lot. 

I found myself using my inflation calculator a lot as a way to further contexualize what I am feeling. I'm using: https://data.bls.gov/cgi-bin/cpicalc.pl . 
According to this calculator, $75k in 2010 is equivalent to $108,705.99 now. $75k in 2018 is equivalent to $95,031.51 now. $75k in 2024 is equivalent to $51,745.08 in 2010 and $59,190.89 in 2018. For reference, I'm using the month of May for 2024 and the month of January for 2010 and 2018 to generate these numbers. I feel like the inflation calculator helps explains why $75k isn't hitting the way I thought it would based on my perception of that sum of money growing up. I guess the $75k number also hits different because I remember seeing studies on how happiness typically plateaus at that amount in the sense that making more money won't necessarily make you happier as it does at lower incomes. For example if you go from making $45k to $55k, that's going to make you much happier because that extra $10k is a lot in terms of helping you out on a day to day basis but going from $75k to $85k doesn't have the same increase in happiness and stability since by the time you're making that range of money, you're already in a relativly stable place and you have a good amount of disposible income to where you're living an abundant life style. However, it's important to note that this study was done in 2010 and a lot has changed since then financially so rather than $75k , the new target is more like $110k. And I think this adds to the uneasiness I have with the cost of living because I think back in 2010 or even 2018, $75k felt somewhat achievable with a college education but now, even with a college education $110k is questionable.  Then again, I was also a child so maybe that had to do with me being able to fully grasp the numbers and how that translated into a monthly budget back then as well so idk. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Fame

I enjoyed this video and I got to thinking about my desires for fame as I grew up. I feel like my desire for fame was something that I always figured I'd outgrow at some point and it was something that I kept to myself growing up because I knew how crazy I would sound and how it's likely that it wasn't coming from the healthiest of places. I also felt embarrassed by this desire because of how unrealistic and delusional it was and how it kind of felt childish in the way that a lot of kids go through a brief phase of wanting to be an actor, singer, or I guess nowadays a Youtuber or streamer. 

I resonated with parts of this video to where I couldn't even feel called out. It didn't feel like a revelation slapping reality into me where it felt so obvious it hurt. Rather, it felt like a natural acknowledgement, sort of being able to see something you could make out the image of but now the fog has been cleared away and it feels crystal clear. I think as a kid who went through a lot of isolation and bullying in like elementary school, I had this fantasy of *sure I'm not popular now but I'll show them one day* and the whole concept of the ugly duckling turning into a swan physically and socially or the nerd that goes on to do amazing things once they have grown up. I think it's a narrative that I saw in the media and that gave me some sort of comfort during those times because it felt like my pain meant something and that it was setting me up for some thing greater than my peers. And sure, sufferring and challenges can aid in growth but unfortunately, sometimes there isn't a silver lining and trying to put a spin of toxic positivity on it instead of acknowledging *hey this sucks, it's a set back, let's feel everything we need to feel and move on* can be detrimental in it's own right. This happens when you  reach a point in healing when you're past the point of survival mode where you're holding on to romanticizations and fantasies to keep you going amidst the storm.

Along with the fame, I think other fantasies I indulged in for the topics of my day dreams included becoming a world traveller / digital nomad, and having a significant other so that I had a more positively exciting life. I envisioned myself as an actor because I had a creative inclination, I somewhat enjoyed it, and I felt like I was good at wearing various masks. News flash, I'm neurodivergent and masking is super common for girls. I was on the nose but also so far at the same time lol. And the other reason was because I didn't see any other South Asian people on screen and I wanted to make a difference in that representation. Social media became more of a thing as I moved into my teens and I too had a phase where I wanted to be a YouTuber. Part of it had to do with the content I was consuming but another part of it came from the notion that I could integrate travel blogging and my desire for fame, and the accessibility of it where I could theoretically get famous by doing little videos in my bedroom rather than having to know somone who knows someone after moving to L,A. 

As I grew up, the novelty of fame disappeared as I found other interests, as having your 15 minutes of fame becoming more common with internet virality, and once I realized that I hated the process of recording myself and editing footage. I also started finding out the realities of the entertainment industry from the labor exploitation of child stars, the dehumanization of people in the public eye, stalkers, drug abuse, sexual misconduct, the ways fame can stunt you, and detach you from reality, and so much more. The stalkers part freaks me tf out the most. I know a couple people who have medium sized social media following talk to me about retraining orders and how they're afraid for their safety on a regular basis. I couldn't live my life being that on edge regardless of how much love I might get from the public eye. Like the video said, it's takes a specific kind of person to seek fame out despite the consequences and a certain type of person to be able to sustain and even thrive in the limelight despite the challenges. And odds are that type of person is probably not a super healthy well rounded individual. That's not to say that you can't be famous and well adjusted, but it's to say that people who seek fame out for fame's sake are probably not those people and the way that people in the public eye are treated isn't for the weak. 

I can't say that I'm completely free from desiring fame. There is this tiny part of me that has this wish of being some sort of political leader, but of course I take it with a huge grain of salt due to the reasons discussed previously.  Personally, I think it comes from the general sense of powerlessness I feel with the state of the world right now and I have this attitude from high school group projects where if I want something done right, I feel that I need to do it myself.  I think about the types of things I would sign into laws or executive orders, how I would handle myself on a variety of topics and debates, and the impact I would like to have in the systems I want to implement. Also, I think Trump is causing me to have this hubris in the sense that I look at him and I'm like *if he can do everything wrong and be president, I could probably do a half decent job.* But the truth is that I don't have half the rizz Trump has, the long hours and constant media appearances will probably put me in a coma by month 2, and I don't have the privilege of being a rich straight white man so my behavior would probably be seen in a much more negative light despite having significantly less controversies. Trump could probably shoot someone and not lose voters but I think I would fall much more into the Obama category where everyone gets super worked up over a tan suit. So no, despite probably being more competent than Trump on numerous issues, I wouldn't be able to do what he does lol.

And when I think about all of this and as I get older, I can't help but think about how fortuante I am to be a complete nobody. Fame, as I have gotten older, has moved from something I fantasize about to something that I more so fear due to the realities of it. 

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Luxury Travel 

Since it's the summer, European Summer as a seasonal tiktok genre is back. For those of y'all who are not on the clock app, European Summer is basically when a bunch of influencers blog about travelling/ vacationing in Europe and also preparing for those travels. Some of it includes funny memes about the cultural differences you encounter as an American in Europe from the lack of water in a lot of places, being easily identifiable as an American, missing ice in drinks, and the lack of AC. Other times, you encounter Europeans complaining about the tourists and putting much of the blame on Americans. And then you encounter people debunking those stereotypes. You also encounter lots and lots of posts of people packing for their trips, the outfits that are trending that will help you blend in with the locals, the old money aesthetic, along with any other summer must haves that the influencers are pushing. There is lots of money that are to be made from the influencers. 

Since influencers are either making a lot of money or already come from money and thus are able to follow this path or are given PR packages to take trips for free, a lot of the travel content on the surface of travel tiktok (not including niches like budget travel) involve expensive experiences and other things that contributes to Tiktoks general overconsumption problem. And as much as I hate to admit it,  I have been influenced. I found myself falling down this rabbit hole of people going to all inclusive resorts such as the Four Seasons chain, buying luxury and designer fashion in their trips in Europe  (which makes sense if you're an American since these things can be thousands of dollars cheaper in places like France and Italy), doing entire spa days complete with a massage, facial, and mani pedi, eating at fancy restaurants, and over all just being super indulgent in every aspect of travel. 

I guess my facination of this type of content comes from the fact that my travel experiences are very different from the trips described above. Most of my international trips involved visiting family which isn't the most luxurious, relaxing, and indulgent experience. Apart from trips visiting family, I've had the following experiences: a trip to Costa Rica for a week with my parents, visiting Delhi, Agra, and Jaipur to see the Taj Mahal and then some, and my study abroad experience along with the week that I spent travelling by myself. Two of those trips weren't in first world countries and the Europe trip was mainly a budget trip that was paid using a scholarship and my solo trip involved me sleeping in hostels, sleeping in overnight busses, and generally finding ways to stretch my money to get the best experience. It's far from the luxury European summers that are all over Tiktok. 

Even when I travel domestically in the U.S. my family had a certain travel style where we didn't give af about the hotel since it was only a place to lie your head so we opted for the cheapest option, and we filled the day doing a million things to make the most of our time. Half of the times my family has stayed in motels rather than hotels. I've also been told by my friends that I can be a bit of an intense traveller who's always running around since I try to do like 3-4 things a day and wake up at like 6:30 am where aparrently the norm is doing 1-2 things and sleeping in a little more.  And then I go into social media and I see a whole nother way of travelling where people are splurging on hotels, waking up at 10 am, and sightseeing at a much more leisurly pace. There isn't anything wrong with that, some people have different travel style and priorities. 

 

However, the all-inclusive resorts are something that both intrigue me and rub me weirdly at the same time. In a lot of these resorts, your stay can be like $500-$1000 a night and I guess with a price like that, the whole appeal of the trip is to stay at the hotel/resort and not get out of the area. And with the over the top rooms, the foods, and the beautiful waters and pools, I get the appeal. I think this also speaks to a part of me because I feel a little burnt out from my job because I haven't been using my PTO like that so there is a part of me that wants to take off for a few of days, relax and treat myself, and then come back.

I guess when I was younger I was more prone to judge people who wanted to vacation and relax as opposed to travel and were more drawn to touristy things but as I'm getting older, I'm working, and I don't get like a summer vacation and spring break anymore, I can empathize with those sentiments more. Like don't get me wrong, I'm all for doing things that immerses you in local culture but I think you can still balance it out with a few touristy things to get the experience of a place and just plain enjoy yourself. For example, yes enjoy the local food of New York and go off the beaten path, but also don't feel weird about going to Time Square and the Empire State Building. You're never going to fully be a local unless you move there and I think while there is an authenticity in connecting to the local culture rather than getting into the consummerist traps of tourism, there is also authenticity in admitting that you're simply a tourist and you're here to enjoy yourself, not to sit there and cry about rent being raised in the subway. 

At the same time, I feel like the all inclusive resorts rubs me in a very weird way because of the way that it isolates you from the people who are living there so much so that you don't really see them and are surrounded in a bubble of other tourists, and really you're consuming probably the most palatable, waterred down version of that culture for amusment's sake rather than actually connecting to the place you're in and educating yourself in a way that challenges your world view and your capacity for empathy. There is also the economics of these all inclusive resorts and tourism which can on the surface seem like it's bringing in the wealth to the area like the Caribbean when really, the owners often live in a wealthy first world country and the money is still being funnelled into foreign pockets. Tourism can really disrupt the way of life for the locals and the industries of small businesses. And it's also just weird to me because why tf would I spend all this time and effort getting to a location only to stay put and not explore?  If I wanted to relax, I could find ways to do that in Dallas by taking a couple days off work and having a staycation where I get a massage and my nails done instead of spending a few thousand dollars. If I really wanted to go to the beach, I could go to Galveston. Some of these one night stays at these resorts are comparable to my monthly rent. It's wild. And it also feel wasteful and over indulgent in my point of view because if I were to do this, I would be spending a shit ton of money on things that I don't value as much when it comes to my travel style. At the same time, I feel like I want to try this type of travel once to push my comfort zone and see how I feel about the experience. 

The other thing is just the wealth flexing and how that contrasts with global wealth inequallity caused by colonialism. I feel like just in general travel can get a bad rep in terms of how inaccessible and expensive it can be especially when you live in the US where international flights are expensive and as a result most people don't leave the country unless it's for work or it's to visit family.  Maybe on the rare occasion you'll do a vacation but that's statistically not the case unless you're like upper middle class in which case those vacation trips are more regular. As much I can attest to travel being this thing that can open people up to the world and educate them by causing them to leave their bubble, travel in some instances can also insulate you but also give you the perception of yourself becoming more wordly and cultured. There are plenty of assholes out there who treat travel in hedonistic ways because they able to afford to do so and then they try to act all superior as if they're more educated and sophisticated for having visited more countries than you even though all they did is get drunk in different geographical locations and hang around other similarly rich people. There is a whole show where rich people just travel around and while the locations are wildly different, the vibe feel unchanging because they're always surrounded by the same people doing the same things. And that show is White Lotus. This also reminds me of a quote I had in a previous post that I took from a Youtube video comment section of a video essay I liked: 

On 5/31/2024 at 6:12 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

"I took about 6 months out to go backpacking around SE Asia and India in a really typical mid-20s middle class guy kindof way. I learned mostly that travel wasn't the experience it was really made out to be. It is, for the most part, not challenging, deep or even that hedonistic. It definitely did not leave me with a feeling of being changed.

Tourists live in their own ecosystem. There is a whole economy designed around keeping you comfortable. It is actually quite a challenge to break out of it. While I met lots of people from the UK, EU and US, I had barely any real conversations with locals. While I made some effort to read about the countries and visit the museums, most backpackers did not. Your engagement with the culture feels limited to eating food, walking around town, visiting a temple and going to bars.

....

Finally, its not as fun as its made out to be. If you like going out drinking every evening in clubs playing the most generic pop EDM possible, you will probably be ok. I went travelling in 2016, so pretty much every night I was listening to Justin Bieber, the Chainsmokers, Skrillex and Kygo. I went to the Full Moon Party, expecting some wild hippie gathering, and it felt like Tiger Tiger but on the beach. I could find better parties happening on my street than most of the parties I attended while travelling. If you indulge in narcotics, then you would also do better to stay home; when you are passing through, dealers have no incentive to give you good product.

 

I'd imagine that going to one of these all inclusive resorts would feel similarly to getting a pedicure for me. Sure, there isn't anything inherently wrong with your individual choice to treat yourself every now and then, but the dynamic just feel weird. I don't mind getting my nails done on my fingers, but getting my toes done feels really weird, not because I have a problem with feet, but it's the imagery of me sitting on a high chair looking down at a person kneeling before me scrubbing my feet and painting my toes. If someone is doing your nails, y'all are both on the same level and helping someone doing your nails doesn't have the same connotation as someone rubbing your feet. The former reminds me of girlhood and sleepovers where you take turns to help each other do each other's nails since most of us aren't ambidextrous and usually needs some help so that one hand doesn't look significantly more fucked up than the other. The later reminds me of a dynamic of servitude. And I think its especially heightened for me as a South Asian person since the feet are seen as the most unclean part of someone's body spiritually and to be below someone's feet or serving someone's feet is this connotation of being below them.  

Nevertheless, there is still this intrigue around luxury travel in the way that it sells this fantasy of relaxation and overindulgence. And I think I'm more susceptible to this fantasy now that I'm in the working world because of two reasons: 1. I have my own money now and disposible income, meaning I have the option to give into hyper consumerism more, and 2. I feel kind of burnt out from my job and I just want to unplug for a little bit. I find myself thinking about this quote from a previous post that was under a YouTube video I really enjoyed: 

On 5/31/2024 at 6:12 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

"Your point about the fake radicalism of travel blogs really reminds me of something Slavoj Zizek said in a Vice interview: "Ideology is not just the world we live in, but especially the wrong ways we imagine to escape it."

That is to say, capitalist ideology is not just what surrounds our daily life and the problems we face (especially alienation from our work), but it is actually strongest in precisely the ways that we fantasise about escaping it. Our fantasies of travelling to popular tourist destinations, of buying overpriced organic produce, of dressing talking eating and behaving differently from others et cetera, are not a genuine reaction to capitalism, they are part of its reproduction mechanism."

I guess I'm going to end this post by saying that the bolded quote above is something that I think about a lot when I think about the context of my desires, it's authenticity, and the implications of those desires in a larger picture.