Psychoanalyzing Myself

[soos_mite_ah]

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[soos_mite_ah]

I am not my type and that is ok 

This is going to be a bit of a weird post since I will be talking in third person for a little bit for the sake of simplicity. 

But physically, I am not my type. My type and ideal body is like that stereotypical pilates look, toned and athletic but still dainty and feminine. I on the other hand am more stocky and short and i am not particularly lean. And for years I have wanted the former look regardless of whether it made sense of me or not. But then I thought *well I look at other people on the street and while I'm not into them like that, I'm not in my head thinking about hideous they are for hours after they walked by. If anything I think that hey even if I don't find them attractive, I'm sure someone does even if it's not me* Then I was like, I should implement that same sort of thinking to myself. Like *hey soos_mite_ah might not be attractive to you and you may prefer a different body type but there are people who are into her body type and that is alright.* I think it also stems from this belief that I implemented with my imposter syndrom that is along the lines of *I have faith in people seeing good things in me that I don't always notice in myself.* But basically what I'm trying to say is that I might not be particularly attractive in my eyes, but I am in other people's eyes and that is ok.

I don't always have to like every bit of myself but I do have to believe that I'm worthy of respect, love, and human decency. I don't have to like myself, but I do have to treat myself well. And I do think that this is a step forward in self acceptance where I'm accepting that maybe I can't accept everything about myself.  That doesn't mean that I should beat myself up into accepting myself nor does it mean that I need to beat myself up for changing myself. I think that's important for me when it comes to my relationship with my body. I might not like what I look like but that doesn't mean that I should pick at my appearance, be cruel about my self image, restrict my food, or exercise excessively in order to change myself nor should I fault myself for struggling to accept myself given all of the beauty standards that are out there because it's understandable that I feel this way given my surroundings and upbringing. 

I think I can implement this way of thinking towards other things that I tend to be insecure about. The main one that comes to mind is that I can be a passive person since when I'm anxious, I'm very much a flight or freeze type of person rather than a person who gets the impulse to fight. I’m good at walking away from situation and not letting them effect me but I’m not that great at standing up for myself in the moment that someone comes at me crazy. Also, when I'm under stress, I'm the type who shuts down for a while because my brain forces me to feel my feelings in real time and sort through that rather than just being able to push through and dive into more work like a lot of other people I know. And don't get me wrong, I do think I can benefit from learning to stand up for myself in certain situations and being able to regulate myself more in times of pressure but at the same time, even though I have a preference towards those who have more of fight response rather than a freeze or flight response, that doesn't mean that I should see myself as lesser or beat myself up for simply being something I'm not. Again, I don't have to be my type or preference. I don't have to like myself all the time in order to give myself the love and respect that I deserve to give myself in the same way that I love and respect people who I don't particularly like at times.  

[soos_mite_ah]

Ramadan 2024

I have been fasting for Ramadan for the past 13 days. I'm not Muslim nor am I considering on converting but I have always been curious about this practice growing up with other Muslim people around me so I wanted to try it out. I want to be able to empathize with those who do this practice and I want to also see what I can get from it spiritually.  I've also been wanting to get back into my own spirituality and I thought that fasting from sun up to sun down would be a good way to do that. Fasting and giving something up isn't a uniquely Muslim thing rather it's a tool that can be used for developing self control, empathy, discipline etc. 

I've also decided to give up pork and beef for Ramadan. Pork because Muslims don't eat pork and I feel like it would be weird if I was doing a Muslim practice but then eating pork at dinner. I feel like it would be the equivalent of someone who isn't Hindu being like *I want to learn about Hinduism and go to a temple for the experience* and then not taking their shoes off at the temple. That would be disrespectful even if you didn't know better. As far as giving up beef goes, I feel like that comes from a place of wanting to go back to my older spiritual roots, particularly my Hindu ones. I have more nuanced thoughts regarding my regular opinion on not eating beef because normally, I do eat beef. But for the month of Ramadan, I want to challenge myself and go back to not eating beef. I'm also giving up caffiene because I don't want to use it as a crutch for my fasting experience and also introduce another factor that can throw me off physically. And it also goes without saying that I'm also giving up alcohol, not only because it falls under the same rationale as why I'm giving up pork, but also because like caffiene, I don't want the physical affects of alcohol affect me negatively during the fast. 

While I'm not praying 5 times a day, I will instead be incorporating a spiritual practice that works for me. I've never been the praying type so instead I will be journalling, meditating, and checking in with myself regularly throughout the day. So basically, here are the general rules for Ramadan: 

• Fast from sun up to down 
  • I found a calendar online to help me with this: https://hamariweb.com/islam/dallas_ramadan-timing168049.aspx 
• No pork, beef, alcohol, or caffiene. 
• Prioritize journalling, meditation, and mindfulness for the month. 

The next set of rules is not rules that are attached to the practice of fasting but rather it's things I'm doing to help myself through this process so that it is sustainable for me and so I can stay consistent: 

• Wake up at 5 am every morning to drink 2 L of water and eat something. 
• No working out since I have limitted energy to carry out my daily tasks. I am prioritizing my spirituality for the time being and it's alright if I take a pause from working out. 
• Take a nap during my lunch breaks at work so that I have the energy to focus but avoid taking naps just to avoid the feelings of hunger and thirst. 

For the next few posts I'm going to include what I have been journalling privately in my computer. 

[soos_mite_ah]

3/12/24 5:30 am: Reflections after Day 1 (3/11) 

• The first day was definitely hard. This is because the practice of fasting is new to me and I have built it up in my head to be worse than it was. I found myself constantly thinking about food even when I was stuffed or not hungry due to the anxiety around this practice. It was also like the whole notion of how when I tell you to not think of a purple elephant, you’re now going to think about a purple elephant even though that wasn’t even a thought you had initially until I told you not  to think of a purple elephant.
  • Apart from me mentally catastrophizing, realistically I was only hungry for like 3 hours prior to breaking my fast. It wasn’t like I was suffering the whole day. And also, I think it’s good I drank a lot of water in the morning because I really didn’t have to deal with issues with thirstiness at all. 
• I found myself wanting to distract myself from being hungry and I had trouble focusing throughout the day. I used social media a lot during this time. I want to be more mindful of that going forward and learn to just sit with the discomfort rather than trying to shoo it away.
  • I also think it’s interesting that I use social media as a distraction or as a way to numb myself. I want to explore that more.
•  I think this is a good exercise for discipline and self-control. Here are some themes I caught myself thinking about:
  • There is a thing that the Romans did when they were training their army for battle which was that they made the training much harder than their battle conditions to where once they do the training and get used to it, when they go into battle, things are so much easier. For example, they would make the soldiers wear 50 lbs of armor in training to build up their strength but when they were actually in battle, that armor was only 25 lbs.
    • I feel like fasting is the same way. If anything, right now I feel like I’m much less disciplined since I’m operating outside of what works for me. It’s hard for me to focus on other areas of my life that I’m typically pretty disciplined at like my job, my duo lingo lessons, working out, completing chores etc. But it’s like, if I learn to be disciplined in conditions where it’s hard to be disciplined, like when I’m fasting for a month, it’s going to be really easy to be disciplined when I’m working in my optimal regular conditions.
  • There is also a thing that a lot of monks do where they make themselves physically uncomfortable while they meditate. And the logic behind that is that if they can learn to be happy in those conditions, or just in regular meditation circumstances where there is no stimulation, then they’re like building up that happiness muscle so that they would experience an exponential amount of happiness in a normal situation. Like think about it this way, if you’re happy without much in life, going on an all-inclusive resort will be an amazing experience versus if you lived in an all-inclusive resort and were always pampered, it wouldn’t hit the same way. I think fasting can also help you build up that happiness muscle in the same way as meditating or meditating while physically uncomfortable.
  • I find myself thinking about discipline and priorities. I am fasting right now because I want to prioritize my spirituality. And as a consequence of me fasting, it’s hard for me to focus at work. I’m not as energetic and I don’t really want to work out. My mood is a bit off. And I’m going to have to think of how to approach things socially later on. These are some things that I’m sacrificing at this time and when these things come in mind, I catch myself asking if focusing on my spirituality in this way is worth it, hence causing me to question my priorities. I wouldn’t say that fasting is a sustainable thing for my lifestyle long term and the things that I find fulfillment in, but also, it won’t hurt to put some things in my life on pause for just a month to focus on myself and my spirituality.
    • This is also causing me to question my other material attachments I have. Like I’m questioning my attachment to my job, my energy, my personality, my hobbies, food, social media, over all consumption habits, etc. And while I do think that I have a healthy relationship with all of these things and I’m not gorging myself in excess (the social media piece is debatable but still lol), I think it can still be beneficial to take a step back and reflect on how and why these things are adding to your life or maybe if it’s not serving you.
      •  I think it also goes along with the Buddhist and Hindu notions of practicing detachment. You can enjoy the great and comfortable things that life has to offer but when you get attached to it and you rely on it to make you happy instead of taking responsibility for your happiness in an intrinsic way, that usually leads to more misery. It’s not the enjoyment that you need to let go of, it’s the attachment to that enjoyment. We’re put on this Earth as a consciousness in various forms to experience life, the good, the bad, and everything from all perspectives. And I think that sometimes I just need that gentle reminder that I am this consciousness. I’m not my productivity at work. I’m not this personality that I have. I’m not my hobbies, and I’m not the things I consume. These things don’t define me. Rather, I am the consciousness that is being productive. I am the consciousness that has a habit of showing up in a certain way (thus creating a personality). I am the consciousness that enjoys my hobbies and that does the consumption. I feel like I can do a whole reflection on detachment but that’s a post for another time lol.

[soos_mite_ah]

3/13/24 7:04 am: Reflections after Day 2 (3/12)

• This day was significantly better than the last. On the first day, I woke up, ate my breakfast as fast as I could and then chugged water. That left me feeling uncomfortably full and bloated for like 2 hours. I was also constantly thinking about food despite not being hungry at times because I built up fasting as this big thing in my head and I guess my body was just on guard. After the first day, I realized it wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be and as a result I moved through my day with less tension. I ended up naturally waking up at 4 am because I was hungry and thirsty. I made myself something to eat and I started eating and drinking slowly until about 6:30 am. And while I had the same meal and amount of water as the day before, this time I wasn’t uncomfortably full. Sure, I ate a little past my fullness cues but that is alright. For the rest of the day I was pretty comfortable and I didn’t neurotically think about food as much that is until it was until 4pm. Just like the day before, 4 pm to 7:30 pm is where the real challenge lies for me at least in terms of feeling hungry. I took a little nap from 9 am to 9:30 because I didn’t sleep much the night before and I was pretty lethargic. From like 1pm to 3, I felt like my ability to focus at work was compromised but It wasn’t as bad as the day before. Like during that time I caught myself thinking *damn, maybe a glass of water and like a small snack can help me get through this stretch of the afternoon. Like I think that would help me reset and refresh lol.* I’m also glad I had therapy after work because I feel like it helped me shift my attention away from how hungry I was feeling after work
•  I also felt pretty low energy throughout the day. But in a way it was nice because I feel like it made me slow down and be more intentional with the energy I did have and pace myself with my tasks. I think in the past I was typically forced to slow down, whether it was due to a mental health problem or a physical health problem, and since I had such a resistance to it, it felt like I had to drag my feet to get anything done while feeling emotionally awful the whole time. I thought that’s how being low energy during Ramadan was going to feel like but I feel more peaceful than anything and I think it has to do with the fact that this is something that I consciously chose rather than something that happened to me.
  • Similarly, I thought I was going to be super neurotic, hangry, and self deprecating towards my physical appearance because that’s how I am when I try to diet and restrict my calories. While I do think that not eating enough can compromise things like emotional regulation, I think the intentions you set can impact your results greatly even if you’re doing the same thing. I think the times when I was self deprecating during my dieting times, it had less to do with me restricting calories and more to do with the fact that I started restricting from the place of not liking myself so as a result when my inhibitions are lowered due to less emotional regulation, all of the ugly thoughts I had of myself would just spew out in a form of psychic diarrhea. And well…. I’m glad that’s not happening to me during Ramadan.
• I also caught myself thinking about different renunciation traditions in other faiths from Lent in Christianity to the traditions we have in Hinduism usually when a close family member passes away to many monastic traditions where people isolate themselves from worldly pleasures. Fasting isn’t uniquely an Islamic thing. I went into Ramadan with the intention of rekindling my own spirituality. Fasting is just one tool for this goal and Ramadan is an occasion where I can use it. Also, growing up I was always curious about my Muslim friends and fasting and I honestly thought I’d give it a try because why not? I think it would help me empathize with them and understand this tradition more and who knows, maybe I’ll get something out of it and learn something.
  • Rather than praying, I feel like throughout my day I meditate, journal, and check in with myself. I feel like I’ve fallen into my own spiritual routine of mindfulness naturally and this is just what feels authentic to me. I think I’ve fallen into this routine because I don’t have much energy to be out and about doing things and as a result I’m just naturally turning inwards.
  • I also decided to not eat pork or beef for this month. Pork because that’s not something you eat in Islam and I feel like to honor the practice of fasting during Ramadan that this is just appropriate. It’s kind of how even if someone isn’t Hindu but wants to go to a temple to learn something, they will take their shoes off as a sign of respect. The beef part has more to do with me wanting to go back to my roots of how I was raised in Hinduism. 
  • I’m also trying to not nap and lean on caffeine. Yesterday I had a matcha latte with dinner and I took a 30 min nap. Which is fine but I’m trying to avoid avoiding the tiredness and just learning to sit with it.
    • Also, since I have less energy, I didn’t want to go on social media as much. On the first day of fasting, I couldn’t pull myself away from the screen because I was desperately trying to distract myself from the hunger I was feeling so that I could complete the fast. On the second day however, since realizing this isn’t as bad as I thought it was, I didn’t have as much of an urge. But also, I caught myself feeling overstimulated and given that I don’t have much energy, I don’t think my nervous system has enough capacity to be overstimulated without getting exhausted. Sure I have less of an urge to go on social media but also I don’t think that it’s smart for me personally if I want this to be sustainable. I feel like social media is like drinking wine for dehydration. Sure it will quench your thirst for a moment but in the long run it’s going to dehydrate you more and fuck you up.
• I also want to pay attention to the difference between discomfort and pain. I think fasting is helping me be more comfortable with discomfort. I don’t this discomfort is inherently a bad thing, sometimes it’s just a part of life and that’s alright. I think discomfort can be a good source of information and show you what isn’t serving you and where you can grow. Or sometimes, it’s just more of an inconvenience than anything. That said, while discomfort is fine, I think the problem comes when it gets to the territory of pain. I would characterize pain as a level of discomfort that leaves the threshold of what is bearable for a person and that can turn into something pretty unhealthy if left unchecked for a long period of time. By getting comfortable with discomfort, by no means am I saying that we should normalize pain and suffering. But I do think that being able to differentiate between the two can help us know when to keep pushing ourselves and when to stop which can then in turn help us be more disciplined because it’s coming from a place that is gentle and sustainable. I think I learned this lesson for the first time while I was weight lifting because at times, it’s like I know damn well I can push myself to do something but maybe I just don’t want to so I tell myself to power through. But other times, it’s best to not force myself as it can physically hurt me or mentally hurt my relationship to exercise. I feel like fasting is like that but it’s like weightlifting for my soul lol.
• I feel like I’m more aware of my sense of smell now and I’m enjoying cooking more. This may sound odd but when I’m hungry after work, I just want to cook and take my time with cooking. It doesn’t make me feel tempted to eat but I guess I just like being in the proximity to food even though I can’t just eat yet. I was making myself a sandwich for dinner and tell me why I was out here thinking about how strong the lettuce smell was.
• This is going to sound bad but I feel like I drink more water now during my nonfasting time window than I do normally. Like I’m nervous that I’m going to be thirsty later in the day so I end up drinking a lot of water in one go in the morning even if I have to force myself.

[soos_mite_ah]

3/14/24 On and off from 6:30 am to 10 am: Reflections after Day 3 (3/13)

• This day was difficult not because of the hunger but because of the fatigue and sleep deprivation. I had trouble sleeping the night before and my body woke me up early. I had times in the past where I wasn’t eating enough and that was disrupting my sleep schedule. It can cause you to have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and cause you to wake up early without meaning to.
  • I was nervous driving to work so groggy. I also had to drive through a construction while the sun was rising and even though I had the little sun light blocker thing in the driver’s seat, there was  a glare on my windshield. It was challenging and I was nervous. But I managed to get to work in one piece.
  • We had a pretty big meeting at work today about the restructuring my company was going through and how it was impacting our team. It was an opportunity to give upper management a piece of my mind. So I did. I felt like I sounded a bit all over the place because mentally I’m just not fully there because of the fasting but given the reactions of my coworkers, I think I did a good enough job to get the point across.
  • I was SOOO sleepy in the afternoon. I could barely focus on work. I left work, came home, took a 30 min nap, and then finished the rest of my tasks.
•  I missed the energy I normally have in the day and I miss being productive at work. I miss my usual personality where I was more talkative and bubbly. I miss working out. I think that the things that I miss are my attachments that I’m taking a step back from. I don’t think attachments are inherently bad but it can be good to reflect on what holds us to the attachments and see if it’s healthy or not.
  • As far as being energetic and productive, I feel like I’m attached to that because of capitalism and because we need to get work done and be somewhat productive regardless of what happens in the world or in our lives personally unfortunately. I think it was much worse in school because of the ways that grades can impact a lot about your future and that added a lot of pressure to perform a certain way. Corporate is definitely more relaxed than that and honestly, a lot of urgency is fabricated by the Karens of the world. I’m also glad that I’m fasting during my work life instead of school because I’m not as hard pressed about my hours and quality of my work. However, I do miss having a more flexible schedule in college because I can’t really take a mid day nap when it makes sense to me.
    • I remember in college encountering a time when I was really burnt out. I remember beating myself up a lot for not performing well and for being lazy and I basically had to unlearn this notion that I have to always be at a 100% and that I’m not a robot where my value is rooted in productivity. Over the years I also had to learn how to be gentle with the way that I approach self-discipline. I have been treating myself with gentleness in terms of what needs to get done in the day and I’m giving myself as many breaks I need. And I feel like because of these two experiences, while I do miss my ability to be energetic and productive, I don’t have a lot of negative feelings around it and I’m not really beating myself up for it. If anything, I’m just more grateful and aware when I do have the energy. I think it’s also good that I’m implementing these lessons around being gentle and disciplined. I feel like I’m strengthening the muscle for being gentle with myself.
• Gentleness and Discipline:  I was introduced to this concept of undisciplined discipline in one of my classes and basically it refers to how some people try to implement discipline in really harsh ways but then if you think about it, sure you’re giving the other person structure in the form of strictness and that can (but doesn’t always) lead to discipline but on the other hand by being so harsh, you have lost discipline yourself as the executioner. For example, if you hit your kid because they are misbehaving, sure that is one way to give them structure but in the process you yourself have become emotionally dysregulated and you’re lashing out at the kid which is not a very self-disciplined way of going about things. After the class, I decided to reflect on what gentleness means to me and how discipline can overlap with that. Here is a little bit of what I wrote:
  • Gentleness is slow. Gentleness is not rushed, Gentleness is not chaotic.
    • Discipline is also slow and not rushed. To be disciplined is to be in it for the long haul. It isn't doing all of your assignments in the last minute and having spikes where you work really hard and moments when you don't work at all. It is consistent, not chaotic.
  • Gentleness is patience.
    • Discipline also involves patience. Because you aren't doing everything all at once, you aren't going to get instant results. It's going to be gradual and slow but it will pay off more in the long run.
  • Gentleness is not having unreasonable expectations. Gentleness is empathetic. Gentleness is forgiving.
    • Discipline involves all of these things as well in order to be effective. You need to have reasonable expectations to maintain motivation and not give up due to a sense of futility. You need empathy to gage where you're at with any disciplined practice. And finally you need forgiveness because if you are starting out disciplining yourself in any aspect of life, you aren't going to be good at it initially. It will take time and that is ok.
  • I know the thought of fasting from food and water for 13-14 hours is not most people’s idea of gentleness especially since I’m dealing with fatigue and changes in the way that I normally carry myself. But I think it goes back to what I wrote the other day about being able to differentiate between being in pain and being uncomfortable. Yes, gentle discipline is going to feel uncomfortable at times, but it shouldn’t be causing you pain. And well, I don’t feel like I’m going crazy with this fast and that I’m suffering a ton. Sure it’s a little uncomfortable and inconvenient at times but it isn’t too bad. I think it’s also good that when fasting for Ramadan that there are exceptions to the fast where you can be exempt, or you have the option to make up the days at a later time. Some days where you get a pass but will need to make it up in another day is things like if you get sick or get your period. Some instances where you get exempt is if you’re too old/ young, you need to take medication for a chronic condition, you have mental health issues that interfere with your ability to fast or could get worse with fasting, the practice is really fucking with your physical health, you’re pregnant etc. And I think these exceptions really help making this practice more realistic because it takes other people’s situations into account. It also lessens the feelings obligation towards this practice because I’m not sitting here thinking *I HAVE TO FAST EVEN IF EVERYTHING IN MY BODY IS SAYING OTHERWISE* rather I can gage on how authentic this feels to me.
    • Another thing that I learned that I feel like lessens the feeling of obligation is this notion of if you accidentally and unintentionally eat or drink something, that doesn’t break your fast and it was just a little gift from God. I think this lessens the feeling of having to be perfect with this and you can continue on your practice.
• I also felt a little anxious the night before going into the office. They were going to bring lunch for all of us and I didn’t want to tell my coworkers that I’m fasting. I think two things are at play here: not wanting to wear my spirituality on my sleeve and dealing with the stigma around Islam.
  • Wearing my spirituality on my sleeve: I personally like the idea of keeping my spiritual life private. I feel like my relationship to such things are sacred and it’s not really anyone else’s business what my relationship to God/the Universe is. I think when you add in other people’s opinions and judgements into this area of life sometimes can take away from checking in on yourself, and what you personally and authentically feel. Especially in a work setting, it’s not something that I want to bring up.
  •  The stigma around Islam: There is definitely Islamophobia out there and while I don’t think that my coworkers are Islamophobic, I think I have some complex feelings around my proximity to Islam. As a South Asian woman, people often think that I am Muslim solely based on my appearance and because they can’t differentiate Muslim people from non-Muslims from their name. Hell, half the time they mix up which religion bans you from eating pork and which one bans you from eating beef. And most of the time when I have an American who assumes I’m Muslim, they aren’t bad interactions. It’s usually them asking me in a restaurant after I ordered “hey btw, this has pork, are you good with that?” Which is fine, I appreciate the courtesy. But at the same time, I have encountered people saying Islamophobic shit to me before because they assumed I was Muslim by looking at me. My parents always told me that in those occasions to simply say you’re not Muslim and they will just back off. I don’t like that approach because not only are you throwing another community under the bus, but also because Islam and racism are so interlinked in the U.S., it’s likely not going to do much for the person being an asshole. And while I never used the *I’m not Muslim* card in a way to distance myself from aggression, the fact that I had that option to begin with does come with some privilege. And putting myself in more proximity to Islam does call this privilege and my feelings around it more.
    • I guess some part of me also feels a bit weird that I’m taking on a religious practice from a religion I don’t adhere to. Like there is a part that feels like I’m appropriating a culture. Like it would be one thing if I was actually Muslim and I was telling my coworkers that I’m fasting for Ramadan. It’s another thing to not be Muslim and tell them I’m fasting for Ramadan because that will come with more questions.
      •  Thankfully, I was overthinking all of this. I had only one coworker ask me why I wasn’t eating and when I told her the only follow up question was how many days I was doing this for. I didn’t make a big deal about it and it wasn’t this whole conversation. She just told me to make sure I take some food to go to enjoy in the evening. It was fine lol.
    • I also feel weird about telling my parents about this because they’re Islamophobic and also there is a whole historic context behind things like conversion. I’m not thinking of converting into Islam but I can imagine my family jumping to that conclusion if I tell them I’m fasting which will then push the panic button and open a whole can of worms.
      • Basically, there is a whole history of religious violence, discrimination, and forced conversions in South Asia, especially between nationalistic Muslims and Hindus. And as a result, conversion, even if it is willful, has a negative connotation that can range from *are you sure this was your own independent decision or are you being pressured* to *you’re a self-hating traitor who is insensitive to the violence and discrimination other family members experienced *
      • I know there are a couple days where I will have to break my fast but I’m trying to minimize it and for the days I do break my fast, I have the intention of making it up in the end.

[soos_mite_ah]

3/15 1:30 pm: Reflections after Day 4 (3/14)

• Day 4 was difficult not because of the hunger but because of the fatigue, sleep deprivation, and decline in mental sharpness. It was difficult for me to get through work and I had a bunch of client that came to me with complicated problems that would normally make sense to me but was simply not registering in my head. I was not expecting the fatigue to be my main challenge going into the practice of fasting.
  • This is the reason why I couldn’t do my journal entry yesterday early in the morning. And then by 10, I really felt like I needed a break so I took a nap and then got to writing instead of doing my job. (Don’t worry, I still got everything I needed to do done that day that was work related in a timely manner)
  •  I feel like the hunger thing has subsided a bit. Before I would get really hungry from 1-2 pm because that’s when I eat lunch and then again from 4:30 to 7:30. On this day I just had to deal with the 4:30 to 7:30. I still haven’t encountered thirst during my fast.
  • I had to really be gentle with myself and the energy I did have and be careful how I spent it. I took things at my own pace. I did what I could do, and I don’t feel bad about it. I do miss functioning at my normal capacity though. It makes me feel grateful for all the times I had the energy to do things in my day past the bare minimum
• I started thinking of the obligations that I have due to my limited energy. I feel like in these past few days, all my energy goes towards the following:
  • doing my job
  • journalling
  • basic chores like putting things away, wiping surfaces, and cooking
  • doing my daily tiktok videos for like 15 minutes and duo lingo for like 10-15 minutes
  • talking to friends
    • I don’t have the energy to plan outings with my friends, or to work out, or to be on social media for too long because content makes me feel overstimulated. I don’t really want to leave my house for any reason. And this has been helpful in evaluating my habits by breaking my life down to the bare bones as far as knowing what my priorities are relative to the limited energy I have and where I spend it. And given that I miss certain aspects of my life prior to when I started fasting, that’s showing me what I also value and want to do more of when I do get that energy back. Finally, since I don’t have the energy to engage in certain habits I’ve been trying to break (i.e. being on my phone too much), it’s nice to see that I don’t really prioritize those things / are addicted to them rather it’s likely that I just have an excess of energy that I need to gear towards other areas of my life.
• I’ve also been careful about my relationship with food and how that would impact my fasting. I feel like I’m dealing with this surprisingly well. I know that some people who are Muslim don’t engage in fasting due to health reasons and having an eating disorder or possibly being triggered into one is a valid reason. I haven’t been particularly negative around food nor has this triggered anything diet related in my head. I guess it’s because my brain compartmentalized it as a spiritual thing rather than a you need to get skinny thing. Like this is very much temporary, I’m not doing a life style change.
• I also feel like fasting has forced me to be more present in my life. Since I don’t have the energy to do a bunch of things, I’m just forced to be. Also, since hunger is such a primal sensation, especially around the time to break my fast, it’s hard to think about anything in the future beyond that. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s good to think ahead and be able to make plans but I think sometimes thinking too much about the future can take away from being present. I know for me, earlier this year I was feeling a lot of dread for the future given the chaos around me. And this was a persistent feeling in the back of my mind. But for the last few days, since I was forced to be present, I haven’t really been feeling that dread which is good.
  • Also, I remember reading that in a lot of eastern traditions that say that thinking too much is what is making you miserable because it takes you away from the present moment and because happiness isn’t found in the mind rather it’s just the feeling of allowing yourself to be and accept yourself and the present regardless of circumstance. And as much as I’m not enjoying the fatigue, I am enjoying slowing down. As much as I’m not enjoying my lack of mental sharpness at my job, I am enjoying shutting my brain down temporarily. Like don’t get me wrong, doing this long term would not be fulfilling to me because I would feel like a vegetable but temporarily, it’s refreshing in it’s own way.
    • This exercise has made me realize how much I value my mental sharpness and my desire to continue educating myself even if it’s something as little as my duo lingo classes.
  • Also, being present due to hunger and lack of energy I feel like helped me gain more empathy to people who are food insecure or are financially struggling. I know part of Ramadan is fasting with the intention of being more grateful for the things in your life and being more empathetic towards the less fortunate. I also know that in general, when you are in a difficult situation, whether it be financially, emotionally etc. it affects your ability to plan out your future and you’re forced to focus on what’s in front of you because that is more pressing. That can lead to dumb decisions at times and more risk taking tendencies. It’s hard to focus on what’s going on out there in the world when you can’t get your basic needs met. And I feel like I’m experiencing that in a way that is limited and is safe for me to experience without traumatizing myself if that makes sense. Like I don’t know how long I can continue to fast so I’m taking this one moment at a time. But I have the luxury of stopping this if it gets to be too much. I’d imagine a lot of people under difficult life circumstances feel the same way of not knowing how long they can hold on and as a result they take it a day at time and have trouble seeing beyond this. Except they don’t have the privilege to get out of the situation they’re in or stopping whatever is bothering them because they can’t handle it.
• I have often thought for the last few days on how I don’t feel like myself. And I wanted to challenge the attachment I had to my I guess default personality and think about what exactly I miss about it and what makes me feel like I’m not myself.
  • I miss how talkative and social I am when I have the energy. I miss how bubbly I can be. I miss the zoomies I get. I miss how productive I am.
    • These are all attachments I have and things I identify with. Which is fine, but it can also be limiting when it comes to self-acceptance and how we can grow and change over time and over various circumstances. Yes, I am talkative, social, bubbly, energetic, and productive, but I am still myself when I’m not doing those things. There is a side to me that is more reserved, calmer, and does things at a slower pace and even though that’s not a personality that I’m used to for myself, it’s a side of myself that I accept and that I’m now exploring more of. It’s alright if I miss the other side of myself but I’m also gaining more appreciation of this side of myself.
      • I think the other thing about the personality traits that I listed out regarding being more talkative, energetic, bubbly etc. also has to do with how those traits are more socially praised in the U.S. under a capitalistic system that always expects us to always be productive. Sometimes I catch myself feeling that this calmer, lower energy part of me is like a less likable version of me. And I want to push back against that and accept myself more. I like how this calmer version of myself is more focused on her priorities. I like how she doesn’t need much to be happy. I like how much more she listens and how she is comfortable with just being by herself and having that just be enough. I’m trying to get to know this side of myself more and embrace that more in my day to day life after fasting to see what I can learn and also accept myself where I’m at with this fast.  

Edited March 24 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

3/16 1 pm: Reflections from Day 5 (3/15)

• I feel like I don’t have the mental energy to engage in unhealthy thinking patterns. I wonder how me fasting for 30 days and building up this habit of not engaging in certain thinking patterns and habits will rewire my brain.
• I think I’m getting to a routine for fasting that is working for me to ensure that this isn’t going to be harder than it needs to be.
  • Wake up at 5, eat, drink water for the day. Eat even if you don’t feel hungry.
    • I know some people skips waking up before dawn to do these things but personally, I’m not giving myself a choice because I know it’s already hard for me to function being without food for most of the day but it would be impossible unless I at least had something in my system,
  •  From 6:30 onwards, either journal or go to sleep and wake up when it’s time for work
  • Take a nap during your lunch break or your 30 min breaks but generally avoid sleeping for too long as it can interfere with your already fucked up sleep schedule
  • Spread out your tasks and take breaks as needed
• I felt a burst of energy after dinner and even got the zoomies. I think it’s because I had a half of a donut along with a few small pieces of chocolate.
  • While I’m not a fan of being tired all day, you would think that I would be ecstatic when I got energy after dinner. Wrong. I find that challenging as well because it would be like 9, I have energy again, I feel alive and awake again, but I have to go back to sleep because I will hate my life if I fall asleep at 1 and have to wake up at 5.
    • I was worried about this because I didn’t fall asleep until 1 or so last night. I woke up at 5, didn’t eat anything, drank some water, and then went to sleep. I woke up again at 6, drank some more water and then fell asleep again. I then woke up at 10 am for the day. Which is fine given that it is a Saturday.
• Overall, I would say things are getting easier. I feel like letting myself sleep in yesterday was very important.

[soos_mite_ah]

3/17 4:50 pm: Reflections after Day 6 (3/16)

• This day was the day I wanted to try something out since it was the weekend and I have more flexibility. Even though I have a routine of sorts that I detailed out in the last section, I wanted to try to see if I could fast where I drank a ton of water early in the morning and not eat (instead of doing a big breakfast like I was doing) and then see how I fared for the rest of the day. And honestly, it wasn’t that bad. If anything I feel like it was easier for me to drink a ton of water and go back to sleep because I wasn’t feeling bloated and uncomfortable. I more or less felt the same in this situation as in the previous days as dinner time approached. Granted I did sleep in and I wasn’t working but I’m glad I tried this out during a time when I had more leeway rather than when I have a ton of work responsibilities going on.
• The fasting has definitely been getting easier and I think my body is adjusting. The last 2.5 hours are still difficult though largely due to the anticipation.
• The thing that sucked about this day is that I think I got a cold/ my allergies have been acting up. I had a scratchy throat and sniffly/stuffed up nose all day. It was uncomfortable but I didn’t think it was so bad to where I couldn’t fast throughout the day. Sure I wanted to drink some water and eat a cough drop because I was a little uncomfortable but it wasn’t anything unbearable.
  • The thing that I fucked up on was that later that night I wanted to drink something warm so I made myself green tea. I forgot tea had caffeine. My sleep schedule is already out of whack because I’m basically tired all day and then when I eat dinner I get a burst of energy,  but the caffeine made it so much worse. I stayed up all night and fell asleep at like 6 am in the morning. I woke up on 3/17 at 11:45 am.

[soos_mite_ah]

Lines of Development

In the past I have done posts in my journal about where I find myself in the spiral regarding the limitations of the stages. I don't think that's the best way to track my development anymore since I do think that the stages manifest in a mostly healthy way for me. I rewatched the whole Spiral Dynamics series and took note of what I didn't and didn't resonate with. And I found, for example, that while there are things that I resonate with Green, I don't necessarily resonate with the limits of green anymore since I have worked through a lot of things emotionally and developmentally. As a result, I think rather than focussing on the limits and excesses of the stages, it's better that I focus on different lines of development. Leo talks about this at around the 1:05:00 mark in the video above. 

Cognitive Development: Yellow/ Turquoise
I feel like cognitively I'm in the yellow and turquoise area. I can think holistically and most turquoise concepts intellectually make sense to me to where I can apply them to other situations in life. However, while I logically understand things, I have yet to integrate them fully emotionally or in other areas of my life. 

Moral Development: Yellow / Turquoise 
I think I'm pretty good at taking an integrative approach to morality in the sense that I feel comfortable with reconciling shadows to create more unity and oneness in my moral understanding. Deep down inside I don't see a lot of things as inherently good/ evil even when it comes to things that are absolutely awful because I can recognize that this is happening because consciousness is indescriminant in it's desire to experience, even if I from my limitted ego thinks it's brutal and horrific. I think a good example of what I'm talking about is this post that I have made about my spiritual thoughts around the genocide in Palestine: 

But nevertheless, I do think that from my relative life, apart from the perspective of God, that rather than blaming people who their stage of development or worse, demonizing them, it's important that we build systems that care for people at any stage by meeting them where they are at. 

Metaphysical and Spiritual Line: Yellow and Early Turquoise 
I think the post that I linked above is a good representation as to why I say Early Turquoise. But I still think I'm mostly at Yellow because I see the importance of spirituality and I can apply it, but I'm not at the place of embodiment because I still care about the material world and my models and theories. I know that happiness isn't found in the mind but I'm not at the point where I want to transcend the mind just yet. If I'm going to be perfectly honest with myself, while I don't see Yellow as the highest stage or a place where I want to stagnate, there is a part of me that is resistant to move into Turquoise. 

Education: Yellow
I value my education and I am invested in my own self education. I feel like since I have a college degree in a field of study that is very holistic and multidisciplinary, I have a good foundation for various concepts that while I am not specialized in them, I'm good at being able to differentiate high and low quality sources. I think my multidisciplinary approach to my college education has made me a well rounded critical thinker and I think that my dedication to self development and my studies in more spiritual topics gives me better tools to apply that critical thinking towards a more higher consciousness kind of way. 

Political: Yellow 
I am putting myself at Yellow despite the fact that most of the things I am most passionate about being Green because I feel comfortable with critiques from above and because one of the reasons why I advocate for Green causes is because I can see the relevance of those causes right now and I see it as the place where we are headed next. Sure, the yellow stuff gets me excited (the main ones I can think of is balancing capitalism and socialism and the creation of walkable cities) but I do see the importance of going through Green first and seeing how that manifests before getting too ahead of ourselves and drowning in theory and analysis. I feel like there are some leftists who do get too ahead of themselves and get so caught up in theory that they get nitpicky about small nuances and they don't try to apply basic policies first to see how they will play out. In my opinion instead of freaking out over democratic market socialism and pure socialism and calling the other party a fascist even though y'all agree on 90% of things, lets focus on advocating for universal healthcare and free college for all. And then once we implement them, in a few years we'll see the short comings of that and we can go back to the drawing board to see what other changes or tweeks we need to make.  

Psycho-sexual: Yellow 
I have explained what sexuality looks like throughout the spiral a few years ago and this is basically how I determined where I am: 

Interpersonal Relationships: Mostly Yellow and High Green
I think I'm pretty good about being able to relate to people across the spiral and in my closest relationships, I don't have too many disagreements. I take a very proactive approach to my relationships where if I see something coming up, I make an effort to communicate about it before it becomes an issue. As a result I would put myself up in Yellow. I also say high green because when it comes to people I don't know too well, if they are coming at me with things that we don't agree with politically, I tend to shut down a bit because I'm not the best at knowing how to respond. But at the same time, I don't find myself judging them rather I try to hear them out and empathize (High Green is empathetic and can hear things out but unlike Yellow it doesn't always know the best way to engage IMO). It's just that pushing back is more of a challenge if you don't know someone well because you don't want to say the wrong thing that would cause them to dig their heels in even more. But basically, while I am a bit triggered into a freeze response, I don't think I have the stereotypical Green reaction of bursting into a SJW rant. 

Values: Yellow and Green
I feel like my main values that I have are my self development, understanding and learning about the world, engaging in my hobbies and interests, and maintaining my relationships. I feel like I have a good bit of Yellow in me but I would say that I also skew green due to my emphasis on relationships. 

Health / Diet: Yellow and Green
I'm not sure where to put myself on the spiral in terms of my relationship with food. I take more of an intuitive eating approach to food. I don't follow any strict diets and I'm aware of my body's cues and what my cravings are telling me. I don't morallize food, shame myself for eating, or put certain foods on a pedestal but I do generally speaking eat healthy and have a good relationship to food. I would characterize and Orange approach to food as either strict diets to achieve some type of physique or indulging in expensive and rich foods, or counting calories and macros constantly. Blue would be more along the lines of relgious food restriction (i.e. not being able to eat pork or consume alcohol if you're Muslim) or the notion that consuming the least is symbollic of some sort of piety and lack of self indulgence. Green I feel like is where things get more complicated where the common thing people think of is veganism/vegetarianism but I feel like you can have a more body positive approach to food here as well where you aren't morallizing food and allowing yourself to enjoy it freely. Yellow I feel like is like Green but with more structure which I feel like describes my eating more.   

Emotional Development: Yellow but Green and rarely Orange when stressed
I think normally I'm a pretty self regulated person who has a lot of ways to reflect and process my day to day life with little judgement. I will say that sometimes when I do encounter negative emotions such as feelings of dread, anger, etc. it's usually me dealing with social injustices so that's where dipping into Green when I'm stressed comes from. The Orange can come up occassionally mainly when it comes to my body image issues and the times when I have trouble being gentle with myself but that's about it. I would say I'm 80% Yellow, 15% Green and 5% Orange if I would try to illustrate it. 

Career and Livelihood: Mostly Green with Orange 
I feel like my approach to my current career is Green in the sense that I prioritize work life balance and I use this job to facilitate other things in my life. I feel like I have a rather anticapitalistic attitude towards work and my sense of ambition flourishes outside of work more so. However, I still think there is a good bit of orange in the work itself that I do due to the industry that I'm in and my day to day tasks. I will say that while my job itself is not super fulfilling, it does give me a lot of fulfillment in terms of what it gives me in terms of peace of mind. 

Kinesthetic: I still have no clue how to apply SD to moving my body tbh. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Lines of Development: Where to Grow from Here 

Previously when I would do my spiral checks, I was mainly focussing on the excesses and limitations of the stages as an indication of things to address and where I can grow. I think thiings are a little different now that the stages manifest in mostly healthy ways for me. But nevertheless, writing about my lines of development and then ordering the lines from degree of development gave me some insight as to where go from here. 

• Cognitive Development: Yellow/ Turquoise, Moral Development: Yellow / Turquoise, Metaphysical and Spiritual Line: Yellow and Early Turquoise 
  • I feel like for the stuff that I talked about where I'm in the Yellow/ Turquoise territory I think that the main way I can move up the spiral at this point is to have some mystical experiences and experiment with psychedelics. I think I can focus on meditation more but in the end of the day, Turquoise is something to experience rather than something you can mental gymnastics your way into if that makes sense.  
• Education: Yellow, Political: Yellow, Psycho-sexual: Yellow 
  • For education, I can definitely educate myself more on stage Turquoise as a part of my spiritual practices. Politically, I don't think it's wise to jump to Turquoise yet since we have barely manifested Yellow. And even if I try to imagine Turquoise political positions, they are barely going to be half baked in the first place, so I'm going to be tabling that. Finally, when it comes to the psycho-sexual line, I don't even know what Turquoise sexuality looks like so it's harder for me to step into it. But I'm not going to try to step into it. I'll figure it out when I figure it out lol. 
• Interpersonal Relationships: Mostly Yellow and High Green
  • The part of me that is high Green rather than Yellow really comes down to me being able to engage with people with differing political opinions to me. That is something that I'm looking to explore more in a different post but basically, this is an area that I believe I can improve on. 
• Values: Yellow and Green
  • The reason why I said a good part of me is in Green is because of the way I value relationships. That is not something that I'm looking to transcend or basically fix something that isn't broken. Rather, I will be encouraging myself to step into Turquoise values more even though there is a part of me that is resistant to it (which I should explore more in a different post). 
• Health / Diet: Yellow and Green
  • Not trying to fix something that isn't broken. I think I'm good at this line of development. If I find something regarding Turquoise diet, I'm happy to explore it but it's not something that I'm pushing myself to pursue. 
• Emotional Development: Yellow but Green and rarely Orange when stressed
  • I think I'm in a good place overall but I think every now and then, reminders of the spiral can help when I'm slipping back into Green in order to reorient me to the bigger picture. I'm also working on being more gentle with myself and addressing my body image issues. 
• Career and Livelihood: Mostly Green with Orange 
  • I'm still figuring out the whole life purpose thing and finding meaningful work. 

Basically, here is my to-do list: 

1. Do psychedelics 
2. Educate myself on stage Turquoise along with its values, and meditate more seriously 
3. Learn to engage with differing political opinions 
4. Remind myself of the spiral in times I slip back into green 
5. Address body image issues 
6. Be more gentle with myself emotionally when my self talk gets abrasive 
7. Figure out and work towards my life purpose 

Edited March 24 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Not Wanting to Move to Stage Turquoise 

I have been thinking lately about how there is a part of me that doesn't want to move to stage Turquoise. I think much of it has to do with how currently, my stage Yellow and stage Green tendencies are manifesting in a healthy way and I have addressed much of the excesses an limitations these stages have by integrating the other stages. As I was journalling about my lines of development and ways I could improve, I often caught myself thinking *why fix something that isn't broken?* I also feel like society is stunting me a little bit in the sense that since most of society is in Blue, Orange, and Green, whie there is a need for Yellow due to the infighting of the 3 stages, the need for Turquoise hasn't revealed itself just yet since we still need to go through Yellow first.

I think I've had some negative experiences with Turquoise on this forum. Some of it includes the stage Turquoise hedonism of constantly seeking deeper and deeper awakenings, a forum member committing suicide to join with infinity about 3 years ago, and how in my spiritual journey I got attached to detachment which didn't end well because I jumped ahead to transcendence before integration. Also, just generally speaking, I have a happy and fulfilling life that I don't feel the need to transcend in order to escape from it. I'm also nervous at the thought of transcending my own sense of humanity. I've seen people on this forum get rather misanthropic and cynical about humanity and human nature after having awakening experiences. I don't want to build up a spiritual ego unintentionally which is why I think it's so important to be solidly Yellow and be able to understand, empathize, and relate to the other stages. There is a prayer that my friend says to herself that she shared with me which is something along the lines of "Lord give me enough power and authority so that I can help the people around me, but not so much to where I will be corrupted by the weight of that power and authority." In a sense it's asking for protection from the self deception and selfishness that can cause corruption in the event when one gets power and authority. I feel the same way to a certain extent when it comes to moving to stage Turquoise. Moving up the spiral isn't inherently good especially if it's done prematurely due to things such as having a shaky foundation and brutal ego backlashes. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm nervous about the ways that stage Turquoise can manifest in corrupt ways which is why I don't want to force anything. 

I have journaled a lot as to my step back from spirituality in order to focus on more foundational topics before. Here are some posts that i wrote like 3 years ago detailing some of the negative experiences and messaging in queston: 

I understand if this is not a step that I'm ready to make yet and how I just want to enjoy my life with the way that it currently is. But also, I do see the benefit of challenging and pushing myself. Despite my negative experiences with Turquoise, I can recognize that it too can manifest in healthy ways and that it can be practical and not take away from your sense of humanity, rather it can further enhance it. I guess if I had to draw an analogy, it would be how stage Orange masculinity thinks that moving into Green will compromise their masculinity instead of realizing how learning to be open and mature with your emotions and self expression enhances masculinity instead. I have had the experience of Turquoise expanding on my sense of humanity before on the cognitive and moral lines. And also, looking back at some of the other posts that I linked above, I think a lot of the negative Turquoise things I was reacting to was coming from people in Turquoise who haven't fully integrated the other stages and as a result have some sort of reaction to them. Take for example how some people feel frustrated that other people aren't as conscious as them. Sure, I can understand the lonliness and the annoyance that can come from people dealing with petty human affairs, but at the same time I feel like if you come from a more integrated place, you're less likely to react to those feelings of lonliness and annoyance with the attitude of *everything in society is chimpery and ego and 90% people are awful.* Because while you're not in those lower stages anymore, since you have gone through them completely, you can still empathize with other people and their petty affairs and still see depth and meaning in that. 

I think while it's good that I can understand the dangers of spirituality and pre-mature transcendence, I think I need to be careful about that turning into a limitting belief. Yes, it was a good idea for me to take a step back in the past because spirituality was getting rather unhealthy for me, but also, I'm not in the same place as I was back in May 2021. I am coming from a much more secure, stable, and more integrated place mentally, emotionally, and in terms of my life situation. Yes the concerns are valid, but my conditions and capabilities have changed as well to better accommodate higher teachings. And it's important to acknowledge my growth and challenge myself rather than thinking that I'm less developed than I really am and thus holding myself back. 

[soos_mite_ah]

3/18 6:05 pm: Reflections After Day 7 (3/17) and Day 8 (3/18)

• Day 7: 3/17- I woke up yesterday pretty late because I fell asleep at 6am. I started panicking about the work I had left to do before seeing my boyfriend. We originally planned to meet around 4/5 pm but I told him to come at 6. Later we went back to the original plan and decided to meet at 5 because thankfully I was able to get my work done for my job as well as various household chores. I guess I was freaking out initially because I woke up late, because I’m fasting and just generally low energy, and because there were some tasks that I was putting off and really didn’t want to do so I was blowing the time it would take for me to actually do them out of proportion. I would say I had a pretty productive day.
  • I was also nervous about how this would impact my sleep schedule. But thankfully I was able to fall asleep in a somewhat reasonable time. I fell asleep at 1. Which is fine since I start work at 9am on Mondays but also it’s Ramadan and I was supposed to wake up at 5, drink water and eat something, and then go back to bed. I wasn’t sure how this was going to affect me.
  • The fasting is getting easier. I would say now instead of the last 4 hours being hell, it’s more like just the last 2 hours. I still generally feel low energy but I feel more functional going into the week.
• Day 8: 3/18- I’m proud of myself for being able to get through a week of fasting. I’m still nervous about the rest of the month and my ability to stay consistent but hey I’m taking it a day at a time. A week is an accomplishment, but I will say that the remaining 23 days is still intimidating.
  •  I woke up at 5 this morning, drank water, had a slice of toast with peanut butter and raspberries, and then fell asleep and woke up at 8:45. I felt a little drowsy at work, but it wasn’t so bad. I lacked my ability to focus, and I think I have some brain fog but it’s considerably better compared to last week. The hunger really hasn’t been that bad even though I didn’t have a big meal in the morning, and I had work today. And honestly, I think having a filling snack is preferable to a whole meal for me personally because I don’t feel as bloated and groggy in the morning.
  • I took a nap during my lunch hour. I woke up not wanting to do much but I was able to get what I needed to do done for the most part. There are still some things left that I need to do but honestly, I’m going to tackle it after dinner so that I can actually focus. But I will say, the nap felt nice and I think it helps.
  • I think going into it I thought the biggest challenge was going to be the lack of water. In week one I realized that really wasn’t the case for me at least. I also thought not eating was going to be worse than it was. Honestly, the thing that was taking me out was the lack of sleep. I think it’s important that I prioritize that even more so than having a large meal in the morning given what I’m observing with my ability to function for these last couple of days.

Edited March 25 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

3/20 9:15 pm: Reflections from Day 9 and 10

• Day 9 3/19: I woke today not wanting to work and / or fast. I encountered a lot of resistance in the morning but I was able to push through. I remember thinking at the time and hoping that this wasn’t going to be the place where I screwed up, that I won’t break my fast so soon. I feel like this day took a lot of self control in the beginning.
  • Later that day I had to go home so that I could spend the evening with my dad and have dinner with him since it was his birthday. I made sure to pack a little snack in case dinner came out late. But thankfully the timing was good. I feel like going to therapy from 4:30 to 5:30, then driving home and getting there at 6:30, and then talking to my dad before I broke my fast was really helpful in keeping my mind off the hunger.
  • I also opened up to my parents about the fact that I was fasting. I asked my dad if he was ever curious about this since he grew up in a predominantly Muslim country to which he responded with yes. I asked my mom the same thing and she said yes as well. I asked this question as a test of sorts to see how they felt about the practice of fasting given that they can be Islamophobic. Since they both answered yes, I opened up about my experiences with fasting thus far and that it really isn’t as bad as how I built it up in my head. Like sure it was an adjustment in the first week but I feel like since then I found a routine and method that is working for me.
    • My mom also had some questions regarding how I was getting through my days. Since she is an early riser, she caught me drinking 2L of water at 5 am in Day 10 (3/20) in the morning. I just explained to her my strategy of sorts and routine before going to work. I drank my water,  ate a banana, and then fell asleep. I woke up at 8:20 and then drove to work.
•  Day 10 3/20: Today wasn’t too bad. I was a little drowsy as I was driving but once I got to work, I was able to be relatively focused given that I was fasting. I was ­pretty productive today but I was still taking things at a slower pace which has been nice.
  • I got a little sad that I couldn’t eat lunch at the office. I was thinking last night on how I’m craving a vegan burger and they had vegan burgers at the office today. I took one with me to eat later on so I wouldn’t be sad but I did reassure myself by saying that I could have it later.
  • I’ve also been rewatching Leo Gura’s spiral dynamics videos as part of my spiritual practice. I haven’t thought of this model much since I took a break from my spiritual practices and while this wasn’t new information to me, it was nice to have a reminder in order to further embody it. I think taking a step back was good for me because I think I was being limited by the labels that I was putting on others which prevented me from understanding and connecting to people. But now, I think having the reminder is good because lately, I have been catching myself getting a bit annoyed with the lower stages and it was nice being aware of the whole spiral again to recontextualize that experience if that makes sense. I started rewatching them on Saturday and I finished the series today.
  • I also caught myself contrasting how I was functioning today vs this time last week. I remember last week struggling to get through my day and feeling mentally a bit incoherent. Today I was pretty functioning. A little brain fog and fatigue but overall I felt alright. I’m also proud of myself for getting through 1/3 of Ramadan!!!!!

[RendHeaven]

4 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Turquoise hedonism of constantly seeking deeper and deeper awakenings,

In Leo's case I believe this is a genuine personality quirk and non-harmful. Can't really vouch for his copycat minions though.

4 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

a forum member committing suicide to join with infinity about 3 years ago,

I've been in a similar position as this member before. I understand the appeal of high consciousness suicide out of genuine love. As a part of a human tribe, I'm supposed to act outraged and denounce something so "dangerous" but I am too conscious for that.

Death = Love, and I mean that as literally as possible. At the same time, I love life. I love this human experience. I do not want to bring pain upon my (imaginary) family and friends, who are also me. So I choose to live. As does Leo, and most people who have stood at the edge of this cliff.

We choose life out of love for all of this, not out of fear of loss or being outraged at oblivion.

With high enough consciousness, it's inevitable that you must face Death head-on. Reconciliation of Death is a necessary part of Turquoise. But in no way does this guarantee suffering and destruction and loss. You can peacefully resolve Death, alone, in the comfort of your bedroom (chemical assistance optional but encouraged ), and resume life with a smile.

5 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

in my spiritual journey I got attached to detachment which didn't end well because I jumped ahead to transcendence before integration.

Same lol.

Genuine Turquoise is happy to be Green, Orange, Blue, or even Red. Dynamic range & flexibility. No resistance. I'm finally starting to learn.

True detachment = indiscriminate embrace of everything. It's not about rejecting this or that.

5 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I have a happy and fulfilling life that I don't feel the need to transcend in order to escape from it.

That's amazing.

Explore Turquoise out of curiosity, to deepen love for what you already have.

Laugh away the idea of escape.

5 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I'm also nervous at the thought of transcending my own sense of humanity.

I understand this very intimately.

Following Leo, there is this prevailing concept that "humanity = bullshit"

If you place too much stock in human affairs, you get dragged into the illusion of finitude and limits which is fundamentally antithetical to Infinity/Limitlessness/GOD/Unconditional Love/Being.

And though this is entirely true, I believe Leo fails to emphasize that humanity also = brilliance and beauty.

Of course he is aware of such, but he probably has a block in expressing this publicly, since he is more fond of his role as the "bullshit detector"

All of my awakenings and moments of transcendence only further deepen my appreciation for humans.

I haven't tripped balls in a while but after every single trip EVER, I have consistently come back to earth with a renewed sense of appreciation and respect for all humans.

These days I get this sharp PANG of gratitude doing the most mundane things such as listening to music, eating food, driving my car, having a conversation. Seeing my small role in this giant interconnected web, the effort put forth by every node in the network (unique individual people), the hardship, the overcoming, the loss, the triumph, the conflict and wars, the teamwork and philanthropy.

I could cry right now if I think too hard about the flawed perfection that is the human condition.

Reading the kind of person you are here, I have no doubt that you will share my experience.

5 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I've seen people on this forum get rather misanthropic and cynical about humanity and human nature after having awakening experiences.

I believe this is a necessary phase.

A door you must walk through, but not a room to stay in.

Depending on your capacity for LOVE, this phase can last as little as 5 seconds.

People just loop on this negativity because their LOVE is not yet strong enough. This doesn't have to be you. LOVE is a choice.

5 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm nervous about the ways that stage Turquoise can manifest in corrupt ways which is why I don't want to force anything. 

Take your time.

5 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Take for example how some people feel frustrated that other people aren't as conscious as them.

I had this from age 16 to age 24, a good 8 whole years lol.

Now I don't even see humans as "having consciousness"

When I see someone engaging in degeneracy, self-sabotage, complaining, drama, toxicity, or overall negativity, it doesn't compute to say they "have low consciousness" and that I somehow "have high consciousness."

They're just doing their best. As am I.

There is only One Consciousness. It is not "had" by anybody. "People" are composed of Consciousness.

Imagine the planet Jupiter, let's pretend this is Consciousness.

The dense storm swirls we see on the surface of this planet is like humans. We humans are a cluster of high-density pressure manifesting a shape on the surface of this unifying sphere. These storm swirls have different shapes and temperaments. Sometimes they clash, sometimes they unite into one superstorm. The whole time, the planet itself is never in danger. It is inviolable. It is the stage upon which the characters perform. And how can you blame another storm for being extra fierce? That guy that bothers you is identical to you.

Of course, taking any of this on as a belief is antithetical to truth.

Stage Turquoise is about feeling that connection with all humans in real-time. No thoughts, no beliefs. No spiritual gurus spoon-feeding you frameworks.

I'm honestly still pretty lonely, but I harbor zero ill will towards anybody else and I blame nobody for the way I feel (other than myself at times, but even there I am learning to be kinder to myself).

5 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

And it's important to acknowledge my growth and challenge myself rather than thinking that I'm less developed than I really am and thus holding myself back. 

You're certainly ready for psychedelics.

Just be careful with setting & legality.

[soos_mite_ah]

13 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

In Leo's case I believe this is a genuine personality quirk and non-harmful. Can't really vouch for his copycat minions though.

Yeah. I don't know Leo personally and don't know how grounded (or not grounded) he is on a daily basis. But I do get a weird vibe from people when it comes to how people approach psychedelics, not in a *psychedelics are evil* kind of way but more so in a skepticism of the precautions some people are taking not only physically (i.e. measuring things, testing things, having a trip sitter) but mentally/ emotionally (making sure you're high enough up the spiral to have good experiences, that you're in a good state of mind so you aren't like horribly scared by a bad trip, not doing things too young so you don't fuck up your brain development etc.)

I've been in a similar position as this member before. I understand the appeal of high consciousness suicide out of genuine love. As a part of a human tribe, I'm supposed to act outraged and denounce something so "dangerous" but I am too conscious for that.

I can see the rationale too from a spiritual standpoint as well as how teachings can get misinterpreted but I can't say that I emotionally relate. 

Death = Love, and I mean that as literally as possible. At the same time, I love life. I love this human experience. I do not want to bring pain upon my (imaginary) family and friends, who are also me. So I choose to live. As does Leo, and most people who have stood at the edge of this cliff.

We choose life out of love for all of this, not out of fear of loss or being outraged at oblivion.

I 100% agree. Consciousness is embodying each of us because it wants to experience life from our perspective and it loves the process of experience. My thing is that you'll die eventually anyway, might as well be present and enjoy everything life has to offer and that everything conscious came down to experience in your finite pov in the mean time. 

With high enough consciousness, it's inevitable that you must face Death head-on. Reconciliation of Death is a necessary part of Turquoise. But in no way does this guarantee suffering and destruction and loss. You can peacefully resolve Death, alone, in the comfort of your bedroom (chemical assistance optional but encouraged ), and resume life with a smile.

Yeah, I don't see myself as someone doing psychedelics a whole lot. I want to try a couple of times for the experience and for the insights because i feel like there are somethings in my journey of growing that psychedelics could really help out on but I don't have that type or curiousity with psychedelics to where I would want keep going deeper and deeper constantly if that makes sense. 

Genuine Turquoise is happy to be Green, Orange, Blue, or even Red. Dynamic range & flexibility. No resistance. I'm finally starting to learn.

True detachment = indiscriminate embrace of everything. It's not about rejecting this or that.

... Explore Turquoise out of curiosity, to deepen love for what you already have.

Laugh away the idea of escape.

I agree  

I understand this very intimately.

Following Leo, there is this prevailing concept that "humanity = bullshit"

If you place too much stock in human affairs, you get dragged into the illusion of finitude and limits which is fundamentally antithetical to Infinity/Limitlessness/GOD/Unconditional Love/Being.

And though this is entirely true, I believe Leo fails to emphasize that humanity also = brilliance and beauty.

Of course he is aware of such, but he probably has a block in expressing this publicly, since he is more fond of his role as the "bullshit detector"

All of my awakenings and moments of transcendence only further deepen my appreciation for humans.

I haven't tripped balls in a while but after every single trip EVER, I have consistently come back to earth with a renewed sense of appreciation and respect for all humans.

These days I get this sharp PANG of gratitude doing the most mundane things such as listening to music, eating food, driving my car, having a conversation. Seeing my small role in this giant interconnected web, the effort put forth by every node in the network (unique individual people), the hardship, the overcoming, the loss, the triumph, the conflict and wars, the teamwork and philanthropy.

I could cry right now if I think too hard about the flawed perfection that is the human condition.

Reading the kind of person you are here, I have no doubt that you will share my experience.

Yeah, I feel like the best thing I did for a time being is stepping back from this forum. It was getting kind of unhealthy for me in the way that it was isolating me from people. I also think that unlike Leo's role as the "bullshit detector" I personally resonate more as someone who naturally looks at the world from a social-sciencey state of mind. Not to get all corny but my personal mission statement is to understand the human condition which to me means empathizing with people and not demonizing them among many other things. And I can see how that orientation of values can clash with the "humanity= bullshit" attitude and it simply was not serving me or helping grow in the direction I wanted to go. 

I believe this is a necessary phase.

A door you must walk through, but not a room to stay in.

Depending on your capacity for LOVE, this phase can last as little as 5 seconds.

People just loop on this negativity because their LOVE is not yet strong enough. This doesn't have to be you. LOVE is a choice.

Take your time.

I had this from age 16 to age 24, a good 8 whole years lol.

Yeah I really felt it from like 17 to 21/22. I still feel like I'm working through it here and there but I wouldn't say that I resonate with it as much as I used to. Nevertheless, we can all expand on our capacity to love so it will always be a work in progress lol. 

Now I don't even see humans as "having consciousness"

When I see someone engaging in degeneracy, self-sabotage, complaining, drama, toxicity, or overall negativity, it doesn't compute to say they "have low consciousness" and that I somehow "have high consciousness."

They're just doing their best. As am I.

There is only One Consciousness. It is not "had" by anybody. "People" are composed of Consciousness.

I agree. Taking a step back from SD was also helpful because I found myself judging people and their degree of consciousness unintentionally before getting to know them. It helped appreciate the territory instead of trying to make it fit in the map lol. 

Imagine the planet Jupiter, let's pretend this is Consciousness.

The dense storm swirls we see on the surface of this planet is like humans. We humans are a cluster of high-density pressure manifesting a shape on the surface of this unifying sphere. These storm swirls have different shapes and temperaments. Sometimes they clash, sometimes they unite into one superstorm. The whole time, the planet itself is never in danger. It is inviolable. It is the stage upon which the characters perform. And how can you blame another storm for being extra fierce? That guy that bothers you is identical to you.

Of course, taking any of this on as a belief is antithetical to truth.

Stage Turquoise is about feeling that connection with all humans in real-time. No thoughts, no beliefs. No spiritual gurus spoon-feeding you frameworks.

I like this analogy. Thank you for sharing. 

I'm honestly still pretty lonely, but I harbor zero ill will towards anybody else and I blame nobody for the way I feel (other than myself at times, but even there I am learning to be kinder to myself).

I can relate to feeling lonely but harboring zero ill will towards it. It's kind of something that comes and goes for me. Spiritually, I don't share my beliefs irl because of the way that it can be misinterpretted and how I'm not always in the mood to have a 3 hour discussion explaining the basics of consciousness is. There is a sense of lonliness that is there but for me, that's what this forum and my journal is here for

I do also feel a sense of lonliness intellectually at times. I feel like I'm not intellectually compatible with most people in my life. That's not to say that I think they're dumb or I'm smart but there are certain discussions that I feel like goes over people's heads because they don't have the same foundation as me, they're in a different stage of development, or they are a different type of smart entirely. Which is fine, I love seeing the way that my friends think and I get a lot of value from them being smart in a totally different way from me. But sometimes I miss that sense of intellectual relatibility ya know. 

You're certainly ready for psychedelics.

Just be careful with setting & legality.

I feel ready for the most part. Hesitant but ready. But yeah, setting and legality is a big concern for me. I'm also just trying to wait a couple more years so that frontal lobe is done forming and my brain is done cooking before I add anything new to it lol.

 

[soos_mite_ah]

3/21: Day 11 Reflection 11:31 am

• Today has been shitty so far. I got scammed on my credit card. I had to deal with new things at work that aren't working too well. And I was feeling nauseated from earlier in the morning and I really want to eat something so I feel physically better. I feel like my mood for the last couple of nights were me being very unfocussed and kind of sad before I went to sleep. I just feel really all over the place and I want to eat something comforting. I can’t wait for the clarity I will get after Ramadan when I have the mental space for something other than worrying about food constantly. I know I said that the last few days were easy, but today I feel really neurotic. I keep sniffing this loaf of bread I have and I feel crazy.
• 3pm: I broke my fast. I was feeling very erratic since the last time I wrote (but if we’re being real since like 10 am). I was all over the place an hangry. And I couldn’t for the life of me calm down, sit still, and get myself to focus on one thing. I know I was writing about how earlier I was just having a shitty day, but even when those feels subsided, I still felt crazy. I didn’t break my fast because today was getting emotionally difficult for me and because I couldn’t regulate my emotions. Rather, even in my regulated state, I felt very erratic and dysfunctional.
  •  I had to remind myself why I was fasting. I have been fasting as an exercise in gentle discipline. I have also been learning how to be more gentle and patient with myself as I have been prioritizing my life and as I have been taking a slower, more mindful pace. I am doing this to reconnect with my own sense of spirituality by diving into this particular spiritual practice to kick things off. I’m doing this to gain more empathy for the Muslim people in my life and what they go through when fasting. I’m fasting out of a general sense of curiosity that dates back to when I was a child and I watched my friends’ parents fast, and then later I saw them fast.
    • I decided to break this fast because for me, I feel like continuing to fast would be denying myself the gentle discipline necessary to build self discipline for myself and for this practice. It felt painful rather than just uncomfortable and it didn’t feel sustainable to fast until 7:42pm. I also don’t think it’s healthy to take a perfectionistic approach to this and I don’t think that it would benefit me spiritually. This is my first time fasting and I’m bound to slip up here and there. It’s not an invitation for me to shame myself even though I’m bummed out for not being able to make it til sundown and that I slipped up right after celebrating being able to fast for 10 days straight. I’m reminding myself that hey, the people my age who are fasting, odds are they have been fasting every year for about 10 years now (assuming that they started at 14). They have practice in this, I don’t. And it’s understandable that I’m not going to be perfect. It’s clear that I’m trying (I’m planning on making this day up in the end). It’s clear that I can push past the discomfort and get to the end given how the previous days went. But when I was thinking about breaking my fast, it was also getting clear that continuing to push myself when I simply can’t, it’s not bringing me closer to the spiritual intentions I have set for myself in the beginning of fasting. Fasting is a tool, it’s not something that I’m holding on to as a dogma.
    •  If anything, I think choosing to break my fast was an empathetic and gentle thing to do in this circumstance. I think admitting my limits has been an act of humility towards this practice and in the face of people who partake in it. I admit, I have some learning to do and I’m getting better over time, and fasting is no different.

[soos_mite_ah]

3/23 1pm : Day 12 Reflection from 3/22

• Today felt significantly easier than the day before and even the days prior to that. It felt easier to fall asleep the night before because dinner wasn’t the only meal I had. I also managed to eat two slices of bread with butter and an egg for breakfast while I was drinking my water and I’m sure that helped as well.
• I got to talk to my friend in the evening. We caught up just in general but I also told her that I was fasting as well. I’m glad that I told her since she was so supportive and we got to talk about Islam for a little bit afterwards. She told me that she’ll get me a book that talks about the historical significance of Islam and how it evolved so I’m pretty excited for that.
• I started getting a little sad today when it came to the topic of friends. I feel like this year so far I haven’t been focusing on my platonic relationships as much. I had to deal with some health issues in January. In February I was pretty stressed with work. March has mainly been Ramadan so it’s like I can’t do much during the day and I’m tired all the time. I feel like the problem and I’m afraid that people are going to drift away from me. I wish maintaining friendships were built into adult life in the way that it is built into your life when you’re in school rather than it being something that you have to go out of your way and plan out in the side instead of living life along side one another.
  • I also had a sense of intellectual loneliness wash over me since revisiting the spiral dynamics series. I know stage yellow is relatively rare and I think it was good for me to step back from the model so that I can relate to others and not have their spiral level be a limiting belief for me. I would put most of my friends as well integrated orange and green. Some of them have some blue as well that they are working through or are working on integrating in a healthy manner but the blue that is present is not to a dysfunctional degree. I think this combination can look and feel like yellow because yellow is when you see the value of all stages and are able to integrate with them. I also think hanging out with people like this has also been helpful for my growth because I think it’s good to know how to deal with people across the spiral to be a spiral wizard.
    • At the same time, being a well-integrated person from tier 1 is different from being in tier 2. And the way that this manifests in my relationships is that while I find myself being comfortable with and finding emotional community in the friends in my life, I don’t think we’re very intellectually compatible. As a result, I think I have a tendency to be chronically online in an effort to get that need met. I was thinking about the topic of phone addiction a few weeks back and basically I have come to the conclusion that I’m not addicted to my phone and social media rather it just fills the void that otherwise would have been filled with socializing and being in community. Because I can go days without really checking my phone and not have an urge to at times when I’m booked, busy, and hanging out with people. And after those days, I find myself thinking *wow, today was a good day, I’m glad I didn’t dissociate in front of a glowing rectangle. I love touching grass lol* But that is not the case when I’m just by myself. Then I started thinking about the types of content that I typically consume and that’s when it hit me that I use social media as a way to get a sense of intellectual fulfillment that I don’t really get as much from my social circle.
    • I also started thinking about what all of this means about my current romantic relationship. I love my boyfriend and we have a really healthy relationship but one of the main things that gets to me is the fact that we aren’t intellectually compatible. He’s very smart in a hands on, technical way and I’m more smart in a traditional academic sense. Which is fine, hell that’s one of the reasons I fell for him in the first place because I loved a man who was smart but is very different from me. But as time has gone on, I feel intellectually unfulfilled in this relationship and while I am happy, I don’t necessarily feel fulfilled over all. I’ve been trying to figure out how important intellectual fulfillment is for me in a life long partnership. I brought this to the attention of my boyfriend and we have ways to combat this but it feels like we are coping with the situation rather than fixing the incompatibility, because you can’t really fix an incompatibility without forcing change in another person. And after considering this and the spiral dynamics series, I think it’s important that I have a lifelong partner who is not just a well-integrated orange and green, but a partner that is yellow to push me to grow and to be intellectually compatible with me.
      •  I don’t know how to feel about this realization just yet. I can’t help but think about how while I don’t feel intellectually fulfilled in this relationship, I do feel very emotionally fulfilled, cared for, and safe. This is a happy relationship and it makes me sad to think about the end. I know that if we breakup it would be because we have diverging paths on how our life is going and I don’t want either of us to sacrifice our long term happiness and fulfillment for the sake of preserving the relationship. I know that if we breakup, it would be on good terms. But the thought of that still hurts.  
• I’m really grateful for working from home during this fast. I feel like it’s been huge that I can take naps during my lunch break and that I can lay down under a blanket and do my daily tasks and take breaks as necessary instead of doing the performance of professionalism at work.

[soos_mite_ah]

3/24: Reflections after Day 13 (3/23) and Day 14 (3/24)

• Day 13 (3/23): Much of this day was me binge watching Leo’s videos on society, government and politics. I think the reminder was necessary since I have been taking a break from spirituality. And while I did develop myself considerably before going on my break and I have been able to hold on to the development without getting completely sucked into society’s shenanigans, I think these videos helped me come back to center, back to the big picture, apart from the typical stage Orange and Green I find myself in. That said, I did feel exhausted after taking in all of that content since the videos are pretty long and dense.
  • This day was also a big journalling and contemplating day for me. When I woke up, I really wanted to go to a coffee shop as I normally do when I’m in a mood like this. But since I’m fasting, I couldn’t go. I miss just chilling in a coffee shop on a Saturday morning/afternoon.
  • I also feel like I’m craving taking myself out on a date. I want to take myself out to a restaurant and be in my own presence outside of my apartment for lunch or dinner. But my fasting time really restricts my ability to do that. I know this fasting is temporary so I don’t feel too bad about it but I do think I’m going to celebrate and appreciate the little coffee dates and dinner dates I have with myself.
  • Later in the night, I caught myself feeling pretty sad. I think a large part of it has to do with my sleep schedule getting fucked up. I woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon. I felt a little guilty initially since half of my day went by but I forgave myself since I’m pretty sure my body needed that rest since I’m not feeding it as much. But unfortunately, I ended up staying up til 2am not being able to sleep and my mind went to weird, depressing places. Here are some things that came to mind:
    • My sleep schedule is fucked
    • I feel lonely platonically and I feel like people won’t notice if I dropped off the earth for like 4 months. I haven’t been keeping up with my friends in the last 3 ish months and I feel bad about that.
    • I’m realizing how intellectually lonely I am
    • I’m realizing how mu current boyfriend is not my husband and even though I thought that for a while, it’s still hard to come to terms with
    • Fasting is hard and I don’t want to do it anymore but I have 2 weeks left
    • I neglected my volunteering job
    • My eating disorder is being triggered and I’m body checking
    • My period will be here in a week or so, which is why I’m feeling sad in general
    • I wish I could just take myself out on a coffee shop date. I feel like that wouldrefresh me. I don’t like being stuck in my house this much.  
  •  I kept telling myself that my thoughts aren’t reality and that my brain is trying to convince me that everyone hates me because it needs to go to sleep. I remember dealing with these negative thought spirals late at night especially when I was a teenager and I recall that often that just going to sleep and waking up the next day solved most things. And lo and behold, I felt much better the next day.
• Day 14 (3/24): I let myself sleep in but I made sure that I woke up at 10 am to avoid falling into the trap of fucking up my sleep schedule and going into a negative thought spiral. I also caught myself thinking how for the next two weeks, the challenge isn’t going to be the lack of food and water, it’s going to be the way that my mental health has been affected by the fasting. Lately I’ve had moments where I’ve been feeling hangry or sad along with being generally low energy.
  •   I continued on my Actualized.org content binge. I finished the videos I wanted to watch and I came up with a spiritual curriculum for the rest of Ramadan.
    • Day 1-6: Journal and meditate regularly + find a routine that works for you.
    •  Day 7-14: watch actualized.org videos and review my notes / journal entries
    •  Day 15-18: focus on researching / re-evaluating my life purpose
    • Day 18-20: re-read The Power of Now
    • Day 20-30: focus on educating myself on the history and practice of Islam (I’ve been doing this the entire month of Ramadan but I want to focus on it more now since I have done the other stuff)
    •  Make up days: TBD
  • I also felt much better after going to sleep. I also got to talk to my boyfriend about some of the stuff above and I felt much better.

Edited April 3 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

3/26 10 pm: Reflections After Day 15 (3/25)

• I’m excited that I got halfway through Ramadan!!!!!
• Today was pretty easy. The only issue that I encountered was that type of dry mouth where your breath feels like it stinks. But after a while, it wore off.
• I am noticing some body image issues come back up. I feel like I lost some weight and I found myself body checking a few times today. I want to be mindful of this going forward because I don’t want fasting to be tainted with my vanity and insecurities that corrupts the spiritual benefits I gain from this experience.
•  I journalled a lot and studied a lot today and the last couple days so I find myself feeling a little creatively depleted because I have produced a lot.