Psychoanalyzing Myself

[soos_mite_ah]

Ultimate Guide to Happiness: My Notes Pt.1 

Honestly, this is the type of work from Leo that I really feel that he shines in. I really enjoyed this video and took a lot of value from it.  

(About 24 min to 35 min) Things to think about for yourself 

Underlined things are things I want to contemplate more about and/or do another journal entry on. Italicized things are things I could do better or more of. 

• determine level of ambition: I think I can be ambitious but not necessarily on career matters. Of course, I care about my career as much as finances are concerned but as of right now in this phase of my life, my ambitions are seen more through the relationships I have, the work I put into myself, and my hobbies/interests. 
• top values: did a whole post on this a while back : 
• degree of socialization necessary / human contact / number of friends : I feel like I'm good with a good handful of friends and having deep conversations with them 2x a month or so depending on what's going on in our lives. I do also like having a significant other and derive a lot of fulfillment from that relationship. I'm not a meditate in the caves kind of person lol. 
• degree of spirituality necessary: I think I have a good handle of spirituality. I'm at a phase where I like learning about spirituality and have it influence my way of thinking and show me where I need to grow. But I don't see it as central to my life and I don't see myself like a yogi of somesort who wants to dedicate her life to sprirituality. 
• degree of novelty/ adventure necessary: I think I need more than what I have now. I'm not sure what the upper limit for that is right now but I do get a good feeling that I'm not the type of person who for example wants to spend their life travelling around because I like having a stability in roots and going deep into a place or experience instead of collecting a number of experiences if that makes sense. 
• how liberal / conservative you are: I think I want to revisit Leo's videos for this one. Underlining so I can remember. 
• order and regimentation vs spontaneity: I feel like I'm getting a good feel for it with my current working conditions. I feel like I could contemplate more on this and write in my journal so I'm underlining for now. 
• sex drive: I have an entire journal dedicated to the subject of me exploring my own sexuality. But as far as sex drive goes, I feel like somewhere between 2x a week and every other week is good.  I am open to experimentation to keep things interesting but I don't crave novelty in this area of my life. I also don't think it's super important for me even when I'm in a relationship when it comes to the strength of the relationship. I know that it affects me if I'm not intimate with my partner for a long time and I know it affects him too but it isn't something that affects our relationship all that much since this is one of many other ways we bond. 
• how artistic are you / how much art you need: I don't think I'm super artistic. I used to be at one point in my life and I can see myself delving into that hobby again. But I don't think it's absolutely essential to my happiness. I think since then I have found a different medium that challenges me and that is writing and intellectualizing about video essays I'm interested in. 
• level of risk tolerance: I feel like it's kind of low but this could be skewed due to the pandemic putting me into frugal survival mode. Still figuring this out. 
• masculine/feminine you are: could be a post of its own. Underlined
• how much solitude you need: I think I can thrive in a good amount of solitude. I do also enjoying my time with people but I think there is a certain threshold that I don't always realize I have passed until I'm by myself again. At the same time, I don't think I can thrive while being completely isolated. I think minimum I need 1-3 people in my life I can talk to on every-other month basis. Maximum, probably doing something social 3-4 times a week. 
• how much time in nature: I don't think that this is super essential to my happiness but it is something that is nice to have access to and enjoy every now and then. I think that exercise is more important. But I need my sunlight lol. 
• how much success, work, and career you need
• how much impact do you want in the world
• how much of a leadership role you need
• how much autonomy do you need : I feel like thse four points I have put in italics are things that I'm still figuring out. 
• how much learning / intellectualism: I think I need to have room to explore my interests. I'm not a huge reader but I do like listening to podcasts and watching video essays and documentaries. 

If you're young, expose yourself to more experience. If you're older, contemplate on your current experiences and figure it out. 

(About 50 min to -1 hour) Things that make you miserable that resonated with me 
I didn't see the point of listing everything out like I did above because I feel like I'm generally on track to build a happy life but there were a handful of things that resonated with me that I jotted down. 

• doing work you find meaningless +unethical work
• not aligning yourself with your top values 
• wasting your time and life 
• Getting too comfortable + not taking action + stagnation +not working hard 

I feel like a lot of these points have more to do with me still figuring out my life purpose and not falling into the trap of settling where my life is right now. I do have a good stable life but I could do more when it comes to creating not only a happy life but a fulfilling one. This is a whole post that I have planned but I did write this a few days ago: 

On 3/6/2023 at 10:31 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I keep thinking of the phrase, the enemy of great is good. I can see this in my life but I also feel that the foundation of great is also good. I think it's alright to stay in the good so long as you don't lose sight of the great, and use the stability of good to envision the great since all of your basic needs are already covered rather than using the stability of good as a point of stagnation, however tempting that might be.

(About 1 hour 21 min to 1 hour 40 min)   

• Anything aligned with top values: I could check into this more, Need to make a detailed post. Underlining for now. 
• putting talents and strengths to good use : need to align career with my life purpose
• being useful and productive: I see this in my life and I try to lean into it not necessarily when it comes to work but with other things in my life (taking care of the home, cooking, going to the gym, volunteering, spending time with friends and family, journaling etc.) 
• developing new skills / training yourself in something meaningful: could do better tbh. 
• Anything that makes your mind stronger: I have an outlet in the form of my interests and hobbies. 
• self education, learning, reading, contemplating : Currently doing this at my relatively chill job. 
• physical exercise: I have a good workout routine that I do for the joy of it.  
• creativity / making art: I'm not sure to what extent this applies to me as per my answer in the previous section.  
• doing excellent work : I can confirm this. I can incorporate this into my life more tbh. 
• doing innovative and impactful work : could do better tbh
• big projects (if ambitious): Still figuring this out
• being your own boss (if you're entrepreneural and independent minded): I don't see myself as particularly entrepreneural because of how risk averse I can be. But then again it could be me clinging on to my stability. It's something to contemplate more and I think it is something that can change depending on my stage of life. 
• being in a leadership position (if that's your thing): need to think of this more. 
• helping others and contributing to the improvement of society: I definitely resonate with this but I'm still figuring out what my contribution looks like.  
• enough time to rest / relax: I agree to this as a burnt out college student who just graduated. But I do think there is a threshold where it becomes too much and I find myself feeling like a blob to where I crave having something more productive to do. 
• human intimacy, companionship, and friendship: This is really important to me and brings me a lot of fulfillment. Quality over quantity of friends and time spent socializing though. 
• deep conversations: see above. 
• building your family (if you want it): Made a whole post on this a couple posts ago.  
• charity, giving gifts, being nice to people: I'm not a huge gift giving person but I do like spending time with people and hearing about their experiences. 
• setting boundaries with people: I feel that I have a good handle of this
• top 2 love languages: physical touch and quality time lol
• flow states: Refer to the post I linked above when talking about my values. 
• meeting challenges: I think it's good for me to have a good mix of short and long term goals. I feel like it gives me some structure and clarity in my life. I can think of a number of challenges I have undertaken that has left me feeling fulfilled from finishing my degree and taking challenging classes, sticking to an exercise routine, working through generational trauma, and writing frequently to name a few. 
• making the most out of your day/life: I feel like I'm on the right track but I can do better. 
• developing confidence through work and experience: I feel like I do this mainly through my relationships, therapy, and my job to an extent. It is satisfying but I think I feel more fulfilled when it manifests in my personal life more than my professional life. 
• exploring life, having new experiences, travel: This is something I'm trying to figure out in regards to how often I feel like it's good for me to travel. 
• cultivating a hobby: I do this already. 
• being out in nature: I could do this more tbh. 
• good food: I do this already both when it comes to cooking for myself, eating out, or enjoying a meal with friends. 
• being healthy, taking care of yourself and treating yourself with respect : I have my little self care routine lol.
• deep solitude and solo retreats: I do find fulfillment in solitude but I haven't done a solo retreat before. It is a goal though. 
• passion, enthusiasm, inspiration: I feel like I can do better. I have written a couple posts on this in my Coping Under Capitalism series. 
• humor: I can be pretty silly and whimsical in my regular life lol. 
• building your house/ space (decorating, customizing, cleaning) : I am actually looking into this more as I am hoping to move into my own place. And since I work from home 90% of the time, cultivating my surroundings is important to me. I have been on pinterest a lot lately lol. 
• doing philosophy: I'm not super philosophically inclined. I do like thinking critically and empathizing but philosophy just isn't my thing. Sorry Leo lol. 
• developing yourself up the spiral: I have so many posts dedicated to this lol.  
• self actualization / growing yourself : That is already a given. I'm already doing the work
• wisdom, truth / being aligned with truth / avoiding self deception / integration : this is an ongoing process but it is very important to me. 
• spirtuality / spiritual connection: I already explained my views on spirituality in my life in the previous section. 

Most serious forms of happiness: 

• awakening 
• exploring consciousness
• psychedelics / mystical experiences 
• consciousness of god / getting to know god: I'm just not ready for these  just yet
• meditation (if developed sufficiently) : Part of my regular routine for a few years now. 
• loving yourself and falling in love with yourself : Part of my ongoing road of self improvement. 
• being good: I do find fulfillment in growing myself to be a better person and by educating myself on various issues, forms of ethics, and principles while hearing people out on their own experiences. That's a good part of my definition of being good in a nutshell. I do have a very high need to do the right thing and acting with integrity is very important to me. 
• being selfless : Similar to the previous answer. On top of that. I do see myself reaching a point where I have reached so much fulfillment in a well integrated life to where I want to give a lot of my life up to maybe raise a kid. This is something I do think about sometimes. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Ultimate Guide to Happiness: My Notes Pt.2

This is a more cleaned up and focused version of the previous post rather than more new content. I decided to do it this way so I can see patterns and draw conclusions. Much of this post is repetition apart from the stuff in blue. Like I mentioned in the previous post, underlined things are things I want to contemplate more about and/or do another journal entry on. Italicized things are things I could do better or more of. 

Things to think about for yourself: 

how liberal / conservative you are: I think I want to revisit Leo's videos for this one. Underlining so I can remember. 

order and regimentation vs spontaneity: I feel like I'm getting a good feel for it with my current working conditions. I feel like I could contemplate more on this and write in my journal so I'm underlining for now. 

masculine/feminine you are: could be a post of its own. Underlined (likely will be in my female gaze journal) 

I think I'm pretty clear about all of these except the one on order vs spontaneity. I still don't think it can hurt to write about them more so that I can have a clear answer with myself. 

Things that make most people happy: 

• Anything aligned with top values: I could check into this more, Need to make a detailed post. Underlining for now. 
• putting talents and strengths to good use : need to align career with my life purpose
• developing new skills / training yourself in something meaningful: could do better tbh.  
• doing excellent work : I can confirm this. I can incorporate this into my life more tbh. 
• doing innovative and impactful work : could do better tbh
• big projects (if ambitious): Still figuring this out
• being in a leadership position (if that's your thing): need to think of this more. 
• helping others and contributing to the improvement of society: I definitely resonate with this but I'm still figuring out what my contribution looks like.   
• making the most out of your day/life: I feel like I'm on the right track but I can do better. 

All of the things above has to do with figuring out my life purpose and finding more fulfilling work tbh. I'm still in the process of figuring it out. 

• being out in nature: I could do this more tbh. 
• deep solitude and solo retreats: I do find fulfillment in solitude but I haven't done a solo retreat before. It is a goal though. 

These are things that make me happy but I feel like I can do more of. 

Most serious forms of happiness: 

• awakening 
• exploring consciousness
• psychedelics / mystical experiences 
• consciousness of god / getting to know god: 

I'm just not ready for these just yet. I want my frontal lobe to form before I do anything weird to my brain neurochemically. 

Conclusion: I resonated with Leo's video a lot and I feel like I'm over all in the right path to create a happy and fulfilled life. I feel like the little break I took from spirituality was absolutely essential in me finding most of the answers to these questions for myself regarding what it took to make me personally happy. I think one of the biggest things I can do for my happiness is be dedicated to finding my life purpose, aligning my career better with my values, and maintain my current levels of fufillment / quality of life given my habits around living a good life on the day to day. I do think that later on experimenting with psychedelics a little can go a long way. I don't see myself as a potential psychonaut or someone who would use a lot of psychedelics regularly for spiritual purposes given my personal relationship with spirituality. But who knows, maybe that will change with more life experiences lol. I don't see my answers to a lot of these questions as stagnant rather I do see them as what makes me happy in this stage of my life. There are some things that I see that could be more solid than others while there are somethings that I can see as being tweaked over time (Leo talked about burning through karma and comparing the sex drive of a 20 year old vs a 60 year old for example). But over all, I feel like I have a good grasp of who I am and what makes me happy in the moment given my stage of life. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I'm not feeling too great because I just didn't sleep well last night. But I do feel pretty happy. I spent a lot of last night contemplating where I want to go with my life and brainstorming possible long term plans. It reminds me of the time when I was 17 and just imagining all of the ways my life could turn out regarding college. And now, as I typed out the last sentence, I feel a sense of saddness because I had so many hopes at that age and many of which didn't come true and I remember the disappointment I felt towards the end of my senior year. 

But nevertheless, it does feel nice to go back to that emotional state of being hopeful for the future. It's been years since I have felt this. I feel like I already have a great life and I can see ways to make it even better. I'm also super thankful for my current job even if it isn't something that I am super fulfilled by because it is giving me the foundation of safety to think about what I want again while giving me some skills in the process. I feel like there has been so many ways my life has gotten better now that I have a job that is relatively stable with a healthy work environment. 

If this is where I'm at now, I can't wait to see what I'm capable of 10 years from now. 

Going back to how I felt a similar way about 5 years ago, I feel like during that time I did have a lot of growth and figured out a lot of things about myself and where I wanted to go. And even if the journey since then wasn't what I expected and at times made me feel like I was back tracking, I do think that the contemplation and work I put in then did come in handy for creating a good solid foundation for myself in dealing with various situations as well as coming out on the other side not completely being a wreck.

This time however, there is a part of me that is hesitant of having that same amount of optimism. I rember a couple years back when I was 21 and I had to take a break from school, I was looking back at the idealism I had at 17 and feel awful because I thought I would be further along or that I would be fulfilling my potential in a type of way. Back then, I felt that I let my younger self down.  I'm scared of having this kind of optimism now and then in 3 years thinking I overestimated my potential and let my younger self down because that was an awful and piercing feeling. 

But for now, I think it's best to enjoy this season of peace and stability that I have for myself. I don't know what's up ahead and I think I can go pretty far but I'm also really happy with where I'm at right now. I don't see myself being here forever for better or for worse but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.  

[soos_mite_ah]

Leaning into Boredom

I caught myself feeling bored for the first time in a long time today. I think the last time I felt this was was maybe in middle school. I think both high school, college, and even the break I took in college was riddled with things to do and even if my schedule wasn't full, I was either recuperating from a busy week or anxiously procrastinating on work for an upcoming work because I didn't have the energy or motivation to do something "productive."

I also catch myself feeling like delving into my interests through things like podcasts, video essays, or books to feel rather empty at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I feel like there is so much that I still have yet to learn and more knowledge that I want to accumulate, but recently, part of it just feels kind of compulsive. I remember not too long ago viewing watching things from my "watch later" playlist as something that was relaxing and fulfilling because it was letting me educate myself in something I was interested in. I don't think that it's about my tastes in content changing rather it's more about that my consumption of content feels compulsory to fill all this time I have, especially when it comes to TikTok and Instagram. I'm thinking of just cutting these things off for a short while and see how I feel afterwards. 

When it comes to my job, I feel like I'm learning so much but I don't feel educated. I feel like I have all this free time to rest and have energy but not many outlets to use that energy in a meaningful way. I feel that my job is a good job, that it is fulfilling a lot of my needs, and that I've landed the best possible circumstance given that I just graduated college, but I feel like I'm not utilizing talents towards something I actually care about. I have a good amount of friends whom I engage with in meaningful conversations, but I feel like once I start stagnating in my life in terms of growing as a person and experiencing things, I won't have as many interesting things to bring to the table. 

And as some of the things that bring my life meaning starts to feel empty to a certain extent as I am in a place where I'm well rested and stable in my life, it does make me think of my life purpose more. I feel like once I'm find my life purpose it will help me learn things that resonate with me and continue to grow me personally as well as through experience. I will have something to direct my energy towards. I can learn and feel educated. And I can keep the spark alive in my friendships and other relationships. 

In the time that I was able to get into a healthy and loving relatioship with my significant other, I also have a friend who traveled around India for her master's program, did work/volunteering, and basically found what she really wanted to do with her life. I think that finding a dream partner or dream career can have some parallels from the conversation I had with her. I know that I have half-jokingly talked before on how job interviews are like first dates and the reason why I'm good at interviews is because I've been on a number of first dates and I have the transferrable skills to make a good impression, tell stories, relate to people, see if a situation is a good fit for both of us, scan for red flags, and walk away from things without feeling bad about it which all translate very well in the context of a job interview. 

I think I'm in a similar place in my career/life purpose as I was in my romantic life before I met my current partner. I remember before in my romantic life, I was pretty romantically thirsty, desired companionship, and that I had a good idea of what I wanted due to therapy and self reflection even though I was still happy single and not desperate to get into a relationship with just anyone. Similarly, careerwise,  I feel thirsty for meaning, I desire finding my life purpose, and I have a good idea of what I want due to therapy and self reflection (see previous posts lol) even though I'm still happy with my job right now and I'm not desperate to leave this. And I guess this is the part where I surrender my control but still keep an eye out because I'll find this life purpose/ career when I am meant to the same way that I met my current partner.  

[soos_mite_ah]

How Aligned Am I To My Top Values

Authenticity: I do feel like I have really authentic relationships where I can be vulnerable with people and that I have a life that aligns with what I'm currently feeling. I think working from home and my company's over all culture with how casual everything is helps me not feel like a total corporate drone, however, I do understand there is only so much transparency I can have in a corporate environment. I do have outlets to express myself in and I make time to explore interests and goals I have for myself. There are a few tweaks here and there I could make that would help me show up as more authentic but over all I feel like I'm in a good place 9/10. 

Awareness: I am journalling regularly again and as usual, I'm in therapy. I'm taking accountability for my actions and I see my weakpoints, especially regarding food and body image. I'm also in a stable enough place where I can think clearer about what I want with my life over all. I feel like I could improve upon my awareness by moving out of my parent's house because I think moving into my own place can give me a more neutral setting to figure my life out. I also think that I could do more in terms of being present at my job. Overall, 8/10. 

Justice/Truth: I volunteer for causes I care about, I continue to educate myself about different social issues, and I go to therapy to unpack my blindspots in terms of social justice. My job is for the most part ethical but I do feel that making software for property managers and land lord isn't the vibe even though over all the company culture is good and equitable and they do a lot of social responsibility stuff. I would say my job takes most of the hit on the scale so I will say it's a 7/10. 

Empathy: I'm in an empathetic enviornment at work and I like the customer service aspect of it because I like dealing with people. I volunteer at an afterschool program and I like engaging with the kids there and giving them advice and guidance. I am dealing with somethings regarding my relationship with my parents and I think I'm dealing with that empathetically. I also have solid relationships in my life. Only thing that I would count off on is that I wish my job was more people oriented. 9/10 

Joy: I do think I'm pretty happy overall. I have healthy habits, a stable job, good relationships etc. I do think I can do better in terms of career satisfaction but I am trusting the process. 8/10. 

Peace: Similar to the previous answer, I have a very chill life and job. I have a good balance between time to myself and time with others along with a meditation practice. I do see room for improvement when I move out. 9/10. 

Creativity: I am exploring my interests and I started journaling again. My job is pretty lacking in creativity and I think I can do better in pursuing some of my creative pursuits. 5/10. 

Connecting with people: It's similar to the empathy answer. 9/10

Learning: I think I'm learning at my job but I don't think that I feel educated. I'm pursuing my interests independently and I'm basically using life experience as the medium of learning rather than my go to which is podcasts, books etc. I think I need a break from that medium tbh. Main points are counted off because of my job. 7/10 

Freedom: My work is 90% remote. I can wear what I want, I'm not micromanaged, I have the freedom to eat and cook as I please, I don't have a commute, and I have great work life balance. I do wish I had more financial freedom and that I was making more money and I need to reevaluate my relationship with money. I also want to move out of my parents house. Most of these are a work in progress so I'm not counting off too much and I think the work life balance and freedom my job is giving me is a huge deal. 8/10. 

Overall score: 7.9/10 

Things I can do going forward to live according to my values more: 

• Move out of my parents' house (freedom, awareness, peace) 
• Get clear about career matters: impacts career satisfaction (joy), learning, want to change to something more ethical and people oriented (justice, empathy, connection), and allows me to be more creative. 
• Make more money for financial freedom 

[soos_mite_ah]

My Frugal Relationship with Money 

This is something that I have been thinking more about lately. Even though I have a good job, I still panic at the thought of spending money, even if it isn't in foolish intention. The thought of paying thousands in rent freaks me out and so does the general cost of being alive lol. Maybe it's because I'm not used to paying larger bills. I have this impulse of saving up as much as I possibly can. I feel that this can cause me to cut corners down the road. I'm currently living at home with my parents and I am saving a lot of money. I originally planned to stay at home for 6 months to save up and then get my own place. But I feel a sense of resistance towards that. While I recognize that getting my own space can cause me to be more independent, figure out various ares of my life, give me a sense of privacy, and overall be healthier than my current living circumstances since my parents aren't the healthiest people to be around, there is a part of me that's like *but you can save much more money if you extend your stay for another 3-6 months.* 

This kind of thinking has landed me in a lot of trouble during the pandemic. I chose to stay at home instead of going back to school in an effort to make a more moral and financially sound decision. But because I was living in an unhealthy enviornment and in honestly, existentially horrible circumstances, I wound up spending more in medical bills due to my deteriorating mental health than if I had just paid some extra money to live away from home. However, living at home now feel considerably more different now that I'm not at home under lockdown, now that my parents have calmed down significantly when it comes to my relationship with them, and now that I have more of a social circle that I can fall back on. Sure, it's still not the best environment but it isn't nearly as bad as it used to be. And part of me thinks that I can gain more if I delay somethings in order to save up money. 

I also think a large part of the reason why I'm frugal with my money is because of the relationship I have with my parents. I am contemplating on potentially cutting them off and there is a part of me that wants to give back all of the money they have spent on me since I was 18, from my college, to basic bills, medical expenses, letting me live at home for 6 months, and letting me use their car. From my calculations, that totals up to about $150k for the last 5 years. In addition to that, I have other financial goals from having my own car (having it paid off for the most part), getting my own place and furnishing it, 6-months of expenses, and a potential down payment on a house. All of that together, minus the 6 months of expenses since I don't know the valuation of that and accounting for $100k for a down payment on a house (I know this is pretty generous but I'd rather overshoot on my financial goals), that totals up to $130k. Total for the money that I want to pay back my parents and the money for my own financial goals is $280k. 

$280k is a number that hangs over my head. I think on one hand it makes my goal feel more achievable since I can make certain calculations and it feels more tangible than feeling like I need to make a large amorphous amount of money. But, at the same time, it still does feel like a lot of money considering how much I'm making at the moment. I would probably have to save about half of my income for 10 years to pay this off. Now, I'm pretty sure that my wage isn't stagnant given how I can move up in my current job, have side hustles, have my life purpose contribute a lot of money etc. but it still kicks my frugal tendencies into high gear.  I can probably go without paying $150k to my parents and just focus on the $130k (it's not like my parents are expecting this money back, this is a standard I have for myself) and that relieves some of my stress and frugal tendencies tbh. God, I wish I came from a healthy home so I wouldn't feel like I had to do this. 

And I have thought of the ways that being stingy with my money can affect my quality and happiness in life ranging from not feeling comfortable taking financial risk, not travelling to places and enjoying / exploring life and growing myself, not relocating and living in a place that feels more fulfilling than Dallas, and most currently, not moving out of an unhealthy environment. I can see this really holding me back in my life. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Also, I don't know who is reading my journal lol but I would really appreciate input on the previous post. I'm contemplating on creating another thread providing this information and phasing it into a question in the Main Discussions (likely either in the Personal Development section or Life Purpose, Career, Entrepreneurship, Finance section). 

[soos_mite_ah]

Listening to my Inner Teenager 

So in these last couple weeks or so I've been trying to be more in touch with my inner teenager as a way to figure out what I can do with my life that would make me feel more fulfilled. I wrote a little bit about this before but I didn't really get into it all that much.

On 2/17/2023 at 10:30 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

What is my inner child/teenager trying to say about my life right now?

I mainly mean inner teenager here. I remember seeing a post a while back on how first you do the inner child healing and then once you're done, you gotta do the inner teenager healing. And while the inner child wants to cry, cuddle, and have someone be gentle with them, the inner teenager is usually angry and ready to fight someone lol. Jokes aside, I do get the feeling that if 16 year old me saw me today, she would be disappointed. I feel that she expected a job that is more exciting, more creative, more fulfilling, and involves more travel and adventure. 

I wanted to write about this today because yesterday, I opened TikTok and I was innundated with bad news ranging from things regarding a trans genocide, Texas trying to make it so that people who try to get an abortion get the death penalty, and Tennessee trying to make it legal for a clerk to deny a marriage because it is interracial, interreligious, or gay. Obviously I'm not going to let a TikTok cause me to spiral so I decided to verify the news for myself. And then I started doomscrolling. Next thing I know, I felt this urge to take my friends run away, at least to a blue state if not to a different country. Many of my friends are trans and I can't imagine what they maybe going through. I feel unsafe as a cis woman of color. 

This reminded me of how I felt similarly upon the election of Donald Trump back in 2016/2017. I found myself wanting to run away, to travel, to be more educated, to surround myself with diverse people, so that I can socially, intellectually, physically, and politically distance myself from happening. And while I have a tendency to cringe at myself and my angsty tendencies at times, not all of my grievances between 15-19 were fueled by angst, much less hormones. I think we tend to write teenagers who are dealing with some really real shit as angsty and hormonal in the same way we write women, poc and other marginalized people as hysterical when they express pain. And while some of my perspectives and some of the reasons why I felt somethings so deeply was a result of me not having enough perspective due to me not living long enough to have life experiences that can show how vaired life can be, some of those feelings and grievances were very real. I'm talking issues related to eating disorders, late stage capitalism (though I didn't know what that really was yet), difficult family dynamics, political issues, etc. 

For now I want to focus my attention on the desire to move. I don't think my problems will all be solved if I move out of Texas or the U.S. I'm still going to face marginalization. Teenage me had  a more idealistic view of this and thought that a lot of things will get better if I move and that if I don't I'm going to be absolutely miserable. And then when I realized that I'm going to face shit no matter where I went, I found myself spiralling at that age because I felt like I couldn't escape. I will say that even though I have the same desire to move, it isn't as strongly and emotionally charged as it was before because I have a more realistic view of moving and the stuff it can come with it, from having to build your life from scratch, adjusting to a new place, having the funds etc. as well as an acceptance that I'm going to deal with some form of bs no matter where I go. But now, I feel like my desire to move is more rooted in the legal issues that are happening here (i.e. Roe v. Wade overturning) rather than simply wanting to find my people and a sense of belonging. 

I remember thinking to myself last night now I feel like I'm too poor to move elsewhere in this country like in a blue state for example. Sure I know my income will adjust to the cost of living, but also, I'm a stingy bitch. While I'm currently content with living in Dallas for the time being to keep up with my friends and figure out adulthood in my own pace, I did feel a sense of disappoinment associated with living my life like this forever. And I think that sums up the way that I feel about a lot of things in my life from my current partner, current job, current living situation, current friendships, etc. It's good for now, but it isn't good forever. And I'm not sure how to define how long "now" is. Is "now" for the next 2 years? 5 years? I think getting to a point of contentment is crucial for me to figure my life out and I'm really greatful for the now, even with all of the downsides. Maybe "now" is until I have a clearer idea as to what I want with my future and I feel the need to make moves to build my life accordingly. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Impulsive Intrusive Thoughts 

I have this impulsive intrusive thought of breaking up with my boyfriend, contacting my "ex", quitting my job, and then moving across the country to the north east. There isn't anything awfully wrong with my boyfriend, job, or my living situation but it isn't my dream scenario, ya know? This isn't a strong urge or anything but it is a thought that I find myself entertaining. I suppose as I'm reflecting on it, it's more of a desire to not want to settle for a mediocre life and the desire to not fall into the trap of settling into the good instead of fufilling my potential for a good life. I thought I'd explore that more in this post. 

Starting off with my boyfriend. I don't think that I'm very intellectually compatible with him. I didn't get into this relationship blindly without being aware of this but I'm seeing the trade offs right now. If anything, one of the big reasons why I admired him was because he is smart in a very different way than I am. I'm just realizing that intellectual compatibility is something that is important to me for a potential lifetime relationship. I didn't know this before since I have never been in a relationship before this one and other than this thing, I feel like for a long term relationship, my partner and I are pretty solid.  

I'm not trying to insinuate that he is some how dumb by saying that he has a different kind of intellegence. If anything, like I said before, his intelligence is something I admire. He is very hands on, technical, and he created a path for himself and is financailly stable. I love his resourcefulness and his consistency despite struggling when he was younger. He has a pretty stable career with an upward trajectory despite not having a college degree and almost dropping out of high school multiple times. I on the other hand would describe myself as more traditionally intelligent in the academic sense and I have a very social science oriented mind. While I can talk to him about my interests and my though processes, I feel that our conversations only go so deep. It doesn't feel that bad since I have a lot of friends who fulfill that intellectual need but I feel like this would be important for me to have for a life partner. 

It would also be nice if I was with a POC instead of a white man. It's definitely not a necessity like the intellectual compatiblity piece. I think if I were to be with a POC instead of a white man that he would be able to better relate to me and as a result contribute to some discussions in my life pertaining to things related to my life experience as a WOC. This isn't something that I feel detracts from my current relationship. My current partner never said anything stupid, short sided, or ignorant. He is attentive to my perspective and he takes the intiative to educate himself on different things that can affect me or our relationship. However, there is only so much he can contribute to a conversation and relate to me simply because of his lack of life experiences. And that isn't something that's in his control which is why I don't see this as something that detracts from our relationship nor do I see this as something valuable to bring up as he is already doing what he can in his control. 

And guess who is a man who is a POC and is intellectually compatible with me? The one guy I really liked in high school that took me forever to get over because I never actually dated him (hence the quotations above). I'm not in contact with him any more and haven't been for the last 5 years. I don't have romantic feelings toward this person and I'm pretty sure that he has been dating men since I've last seen him. This kind of feels like the 80-20 rule that I've come across in some dating advice video I saw I along time ago. Basically, the best that anyone can do is fulfill 80% of your desires since people can't be everything for us. But even if you are in a healthy and loving relationship with the 80%, sometimes people have the desire to leave that relationship or to cheat when they find a person that has the 20% they are missing. And because that 20% is something that is missing, it feels bigger than 20% and can often feel like a 100%, like that person who isn't your partner is the complete package. As a result, some people fall into the trap of chasing after that 20% thinking it's a 100% and then when they get with that person and realize that they were only a 20%, they realize that they traded in an 80% for a 20%. 

The guy I liked in high school feels like that 20% in this instance, however, I'm well aware that he is a 20% instead of a 100%. Even though I know that the guy I liked back then and I are not compatible or healthy for each other, I do still find myself drawn to him due to the fact that he was the last man who I felt like I was intellectually compatible with. This honeslty just manifests as me stalking his instagram page and me dreaming of running away to the north east and reconnecting with him as a friend. 

As for the part about quitting my job and moving across the country, I feel like I wrote a good amount of that earlier in my journal regarding on how my job is stable and is making me happy for now but isn't fulfilling and as a result sustainable long term. And my previous post is about  how my inner teenager had this dream of leaving Texas lol. So I'm not going to be overly repetitive here. 

Ultimately, I do see myself making changes in my life, just not now even though I have the impulse to do so. I don't think it's wise to leave a perfectly good partner and a perfectly good job before I gain more experience professionally and before I deepen this relationship and let it run it's course since it is still pretty fulfilling for me.   

[soos_mite_ah]

Lefty Self Help 

I watched this Vaush stream among other clips of him talking about the rise of Andrew Tate and alpha male podcasters and how it's due to men not being spoken to when it comes to their personal problems from the left and often turn to the right who will give them answers even if they are awful answers. But what I wanted to really write about today is towards the end of the video, Vaush talks about the importance of personal responsibility, discipline etc. Thankfully he made a segment of this in his channel and later posted it.

I thought this was weird not because of what Vaush was saying but because I feel like it didn't match my personal interactions with leftists in my life. I would characterize all of my friends as leftists to varying degrees but I guess the distinction I can make is irl leftys vs chronically online leftys. It could also be the types of people I tend to attract in my life and how I am invested into self development (like attracts like I guess). 

The whole "leftys don't care about self help and it has been co-opted by the right" makes sense to a certain degree. The second part of that statement makes sense on the whole Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson phenomenon on how they started as self-help but then became prominant figures on the right. The first part makes sense to a certain extent. Personally, from my corner of my social life, I always saw leftism as pro-self help because of the ways it encourages you to educate yourself about different perspectives, be critical of our social systems so you can make better, healthier decisions, how left leaning people in general are more comfortable with mental health care, treatment, and accesssibility to health care, and how you are encouraged to accept yourself.

However, I can see how some leftist talking points critiquing the system can cause people to not take personal responsibility and avoid taking action. I'm talking blaming all of your issues on systemic problems and theorizing to where you aren't looking at things practically nor are you looking at ways where you can improve your situation despite the obstacles you have. I'm also talking about seeing personal responsibility as mainly a political/ individualistic thing and how a lot of lefties can become doomers. It mainly reminds me of the archetype of the stage green person who didn't integrate the healthy aspects of blue and orange and just jumped into being green. 

I also started thinking of a video where Dr. K from Healthy Gamer talks about taking personal responsibility. I don't know which video of his it was but basically he was talking about how when people are faced with problems, some take too much personal responsibility to where it's unhealthy for them (person A)  and some fall into learned helplessness and end up freezing in the face of adversity (person B). And for each of the two groups, you want to give them the opposite advise. It isn't going to help person A to tell them to pull them up by their bootstraps and think of things that they're doing wrong because then they will dig into their unhealthy coping mechanisms and as a result be even harder on themselves, thus making the issue in question worse. Instead, you are going to want to tell person A on how they are trying hard and how they maybe facing up to issues that are out of their control and that they need to be more gentle with themselves or something like that. However this approach isn't going work for person B as it will cause them to dig into their feelings of hopelessness and instead you need to show them where they take on more agency and responsibility. 

I feel that person A and person B exists in both the right and the left. Person A on the right might be one of the Jordan Peterson fanboys while person B on the right might be your boomer uncle who doesn't want to take any ounce of selfawareness to deal with their dysfunctional relationships and thinks mental health issues are a hoax made by the liberal elite. Person A on the left might be the person who tries really hard to create a better life for themselves but is hitting up against societal forces that they are aware of but is still being emotionally impacted by their own limitations while person B on the left might be the chronically online leftists who thinks a bag of chips and an ice coffee is enough to sustain them. As a result, I can acknowledge on how some leftists don't take self help and personal development seriously but part of me wants to say that whether someone takes self-help seriously isn't as political as it seems. But at the same time, I can acknowledge the whole Andrew Tate/ Jordan Peterson phenomenon and I can't really think of anyone on the left having a similar situation. 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Men on this Forum and Why I Stick Around. 

I don't know what distorts my perception of men more, the men on this forum or the men in my real life. The men on this forum are really icky and lacking in self awareness. The fact that there are so many people defending Andrew Tate is nuts. Not to mention the hundreds of posts that lack self awarenss regarding basic social issues and social settings. Some of these threads get pretty disturbing as well. My mind goes to this thread that was started about a guy who felt victimized by his girlfriend getting raped because that meant that another man touched his woman. I remember this thread more clearly while the rest of the posts blur together mainly because I remember that thread being the last straw for many women on this forum. The majority of women who I was cool with here are gone now. I myself don't contribute to conversations much any more (though I doubt any one reads or takes me seriously when I do post) and I keep to myself in my journals more nowadays. 

I have written in the past how this forum distorted my view of men during the pandemic because this was my main exposure to men during that short period of time. Long story short, sticking around in this forum made me cynical about men, made me not like myself very much and view myself through an objectifying lens, and I found myself feeling on guard in my regular life. Basically, I needed to touch grass lol. And talking to my friend's brothers and meeting men irl helped a lot in terms of the things listed previously. ]

Then men in my real life don't have any of the weirdness on this forum. They aren't trying to be alpha males, they aren't trying to "socially calibrate themselves" and learn game, they are friends with women, they understand social issues, they have career goals and self development aspirations in the form of therapy and reflection, and just all around they are normal well adjusted people with goals in their lives. They still like video games, hang out on reddit, and do I guess other traditionally male online activities but they aren't chronically online and know how to engage with other people of either gender platonically and romantically. 

And I wouldn't say that these are the top tier men. They're just normal well adjusted guys to me. But I feel like if they were on this forum they would look like some well integrated god of some sort. I feel like the guys on this forum are particularly bad due to the incel and pick up artist rhetoric and how spirituality can attract broken people, but I guess I find myself wondering, what even is a normal guy? Are the guys on this forum worse than the average guy? Are they the average? Are they guys I meet in my real life average guys or better than the average due to my own selection bias? Like my current boyfriend would never in a million years be associated with a guy who is a fan of Andrew Tate or any other podcast bro and often makes fun of guys like that. He is aware of the manosphere in the same way I am and while he can empathize with them to a certain extent, he does ultimately see them as a collection of clowns and walking red flags. And don't get me wrong, I know a lot of men aren't like my boyfriend, I have gone on dates with guys who turned out to be really weird before, but I'm using him as an example because currently, he is a man whom I am the most closest to. 

But yeah, for a forum that centers around self improvment, being higher consciousness, and critiquing society's low consciousness ways, it sure has a lot of people who have their EQ in the gutter. I also wonder what Leo's social life looks like to a certain degree and how it coinceides with the characters I have met on this forum. If it is anything at all like the dynamics here, no wonder he thinks the average person is shitty and that he's so much better than everyone. It's because he is surrounded by scummy people. I don't know what that says about him and again I'm talking about hypotheticals but yeah.... this forum doesn't have many self-aware much less self actualized people and is often a hostile place for women. 

I suppose the main reason I stick around is because of my journal. I do enjoy writing on here and I find myself ignoring most of the chatter here because I'm emotionally exhausted to where I cannot bother to care (and because many of the discussions are pretty low quality tbh). I wonder how long I'm going to stick around and if it's even worth it for me being here now that most of the people I liked and engaged with basically left this place. I wonder if anything I even say on this forum or in my journal even matters or if anyone actually reads it anymore tbh. It kind of feels like me talking to the void. I'm alright with that but I wonder when I will naturally stop posting here as well. 

[MuadDib]

I often appreciate your perspectives, analyses, and insights into stuff.
It would be sad if all the women left this community, but I get it.
The environment is regrettably quite hostile and unresponsive to female perspectives*.

* edit, by perspectives I mean 'sensitivities' as the word can read as unempathetic.
I think you have a good sense for stuff like this though.

Edited April 5, 2023 by MuadDib

[Jwayne]

7 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Then men in my real life don't have any of the weirdness on this forum.

A lot of people will come to forums like this for help. They aren't successful in different areas of life, and don't have in-person mentors or role models to turn to. So they go online. And so we can forgive these guys for being awkward because they're suffering and need compassion.

But there is something we can't forgive. And that's weirdo men who are going online looking for validation by winning (imaginary) internet status points. And so they boast about how 'enlightened' they are so as to (in their distorted perception) earn reputation and get some semblence of a (digitalized) social life. They also need our compassion - yet are often only receptive to, what many would call, bullying (or trauma). In other words, we have to be particularly harsh with them and call out their bullshit without hesitation for their own good.

Then there is another category of just awkward people in general. Maybe they half-ass their 'inner work' and so never really developed into themselves. And so they're just kind of weird. This is on a spectrum, and lots of people in-person (including women) are like this.

 

Edited April 5, 2023 by Jwayne

[MuadDib]

6 minutes ago, Jwayne said:

But there is something we can't forgive. And that's weirdo men who are going online looking for validation by winning (imaginary) internet status points. And so they boast about how 'enlightened' they are so as to (in their distorted perception) earn reputation and get some semblence of a (digitalized) social life. They also need our compassion - yet are often only receptive to, what many would call, bullying (or trauma). In other words, we have to be particularly harsh with them and call out their bullshit without hesitation for their own good.

I partially agree. It's also important not to project too much onto situations as there is only so much you can gauge about where a person is coming from in a context such as this. But, forgiveness isn't something I'd want to keep from others, it necessitates self harm.

[Jwayne]

6 minutes ago, MuadDib said:

I partially agree. It's also important not to project too much onto situations as there is only so much you can gauge about where a person is coming from in a context such as this. But, forgiveness isn't something I'd want to keep from others, it necessitates self harm.

I wouldn't assume in any particular situation that it is so. But that the phenomenon does happen is clear enough.  And you're right, always forgive and help however you can.

[soos_mite_ah]

@MuadDib I appreciate it. 

@Jwayne I get having an area of life that people are having issues with and not having role models. I mean, you can find that type of thing easily irl. But a lot of people are unempathetic and just have really weird views. I posted a thread asking where the women on this forum are and one of the comments are 

Quote

Well if you have noticed almost all spiritual masters are male, i think the biggest reason there are less females here is because females are more interested in materialism. Most females are only concerned with receiving attention/getting love, because females usually always co exist with a partner they don't really develop further then their partner. Females are almost always the ones that have a lot more relationships than man, and in a relationship you're always gonna be limited in development consciousness wise. We can also see where females are in consciousness is if we look at their behaviour, they're even concerned with hierarchy in dating which is very animalistic. I've checked a lot of woman and they alwayd had a man with a better job then themselves, even though they were doctors/psychologists

Here is said weirdo energy^^

There is just so many fucked up stereotypes here that idek where to begin unpack...

Edited April 5, 2023 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Some Videos I Liked

I came to the realization lately on how it's important to prioritize your wants because we all deserve to aim for something more than just survival. I've been getting a little bit more intune with what I want lately after graduating and getting a stable job since I'm not in survival mode as much anymore. I also think that my previous unhealthy relationship with spirituality still has me in this habit of trying to let go of my desires. I found this video helpful in terms of me prioritizing my wants: 

 

I also had the habit in the past of wanting to "get my life together" and had this need to be competent due to a variety of factors. I found this video to be really comforting even though I don't really need it anymore. I wish I could send this message to my younger self.

 

This video made me happy. In the past I very much had this outlook of trying to find my perfect sense of style according to what was considered flattering on me. But Katherine here just looks so happy in the self-expression of it all and that was very uplifting in my soul. I loved watching her get excited over different pieces. I don't think I have a similar style as her. I feel like my dream style is looking like a Pokemon gym leader and my style inspiration is Harper from Wizards of Waverly Place lmao. 

 

[RendHeaven]

On 4/5/2023 at 6:06 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Here is said weirdo energy^^

 

The second they say "females," just run ??

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]