Psychoanalyzing Myself

[soos_mite_ah]

List of Fears, Insecurities, and Triggers

Idk, I just felt like writing about this. Just wanted to take stock of somethings and write them down. 

 

Fears: 

Woman's Issues 

• threat of violence
• hate crimes for any identity I have 
• men at times (i.e encountering one when walking home in the middle of the night)
• rape in general but especially getting drugged and raped or being a victim of sex trafficking 
• stalking and/or becoming famous (don't like having eyes on me like that)

Family/ Socioeconomic Status Related 

• my parents dying 
• getting pregnant (especially in Texas) + being pregnant + giving birth 
• being stuck in my home environment
• being poor and the physical and mental toll it can take 
• being overworked at my job to where I feel my life eroding away from me physically and spirituallly 
• job interviews to a certain extent (it's not a paralyzing fear but I do get nervous) 
• gaining weight 

Minor inconveniences: 

• bugs and snakes
• loud noises
• needles (getting vaccines or my blood drawn)
• most horror movies
• public speaking
• death especially a painful one (this goes without saying but i'm putting in the minor inconvenience category since this isn't the forefront of my mind) 

 

Insecurities: 

Body issues: 

• my discoloration around my mouth and under my eyes 
• my weight 
  • my stomach 
  • my arms and legs on how they are both muscular and not super lean 
  • my round face 
  • my little back rolls that only I notice 
  • how i compare to the other girls in my school as far as size goes

Career: 

• how I under performed in college and how that will impact my ability to get a good job that pays enough and has benefits
  • my lack of experience 
  • my GPA 

Relationships: 

• my decision to leave my family 
• sometimes when it comes to being the main person to reach out  
• being completely alone platonically: this isn't as much of a concern because I feel like I'm in a pretty solid place but I do wonder how would react to that situation now compared to where I was in 2020 ish. 
• dating or approaching someone who I think is out of my league physically  

 

Triggers; 

• Family Members  (a whole can of worms)
• Small children who aren't super well behaved: this is less about me being #triggered and me not knowing how to handle them and how that triggers some anxieties I had when I was younger. 
• my boyfriend being really thoughtful: this isn't a bad thing rather I'm not used to it so I end up crying happy tears or get really emotional 
• being in the position where I have to sacrifice my physical and mental health for work 
• Signs of weight gain (clothes fitting tighter, taking pictures, comments from certain people)
• other people's unwashed dishes + dirty kitchens  
• going to the doctor 

[soos_mite_ah]

Ego Development Check Pt. 2

On 10/24/2022 at 9:14 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

October 2022: I haven't looked back into these two stages since last year. I just thought that I'd update this post since I haven't in a year but my workload is kind of crazy atm so I'll have to make another part analyzing the strategist and construct aware stages to see what I currently resonate with. 

I reread the paper on the 9 stages and rewatched Leo's videos about them. I'm not going to go through those with a fine tooth comb as I did with my posts in the past both for the sake of my lack of time and brevity in which I want to keep my post at.

I find my center of gravity mainly being at the construct aware stage. I caught myself relating to a lot of it when it came to reading about in and watching Leo's video on it. I still find myself feeling the same way when it comes to the strategist stage but I find that the things I relate to on that stage are the things that are also found in the construct aware stage. I would put my center of gravity at like 70% construct aware and 30% strategist. These are rough numbers, because this isn't something you necessarily quantify. I just want to illustrate a point lol. I feel like I outgrew many parts of the strategist stage when it comes to the weaknesses of that stage such as wanting people to evolve faster, feeling lonely in my development, having and ego around one's development etc. as I worked through the issues I was having with stage yellow. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I find that as I get further into stage yellow or the strategist and construct aware stages that the more I am able to find solutions around the short comings of those stages and the more I can essentially ease into it and get more comfortable with that stage, therefore integrating it and embodying it more.

I also decided to look into the unitive stage while I was figuring out where I was in the construct aware and strategist stages. I avoided doing this before because of the way that I had an unhealthy relationship with spirituality and how I was basically doing too much to quickly. I took a step back from spirituality like in 2021 and after looking at the unitive stage, I think I'm at a place where I can revisit these concepts in a healthy way now that I have a better foundation emotionally, spritually, and experiencially as it relates to my life experiences. I feel like I can understand the unitive stage better now with my stronger foundation but I will say that I get it more intellectually rather than emotionally. I'm definitely not at the stage of embodiment lol. It kind of reminds me of something I wrote in the past about the construct aware stage: 

On 4/30/2021 at 11:53 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Construct Aware: This is where my higher self is at. Even though I can cognitively grasp the concepts in this stage, I'm far from being able to articulate it much less embody it emotionally. I need to work on my foundation with more basic forms of self help especially as I'm writing this since I'm currently taking a break from deeper topics because I noticed myself getting burnt out, overwhelmed, and like I don't have the proper foundation to integrate teachings without misunderstanding them and using them in an unhealthy way. 

I think for me going forward I'm at a place where I really don't want to rush through the stages. I never had that impulse but before, this desire to not rush came from a place of not wanting to get too ahead of myself and backslideing. Now, it's more of me wanting to slow down and enjoy myself and "burn through karma" as Leo talks about in his videos. I have detailed some of the karma I want to burn through in previous posts and the things I find meaningful and enjoyable in my life so I won't get into here. But as far as continuing to work on a foundation, I would say that I need to figure out my career both in terms of providing for myself as well as figuring out what the right path is for me and I guess ~~**what my purpose is **~~.  

[soos_mite_ah]

On 12/4/2021 at 8:03 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I'm currently feeling this huge wave of irritability wash over me because I'm exhausted and I have no motivation to finish this semester but I still have shit to do.  Honestly, I just want to fight my professors and start biting people. My inner child is just throwing the biggest tantrum right now. 

It's that time of the year again 

CHOMP CHOMP

[soos_mite_ah]

Thoughts on Graduating College 

So... I'm just dealing with some complex emotions around graduating college and going through another life transition. I thought I'd make a post laying everything out there. 

Negatives first so I can end on a positive note: 

1. I don't know what's worse, feeling like you didn't live up to your potential or that you never had that much of it in the first place
   • I feel like in high school I didn't try much becaue of mental health stuff so I got into a mediocre university instead of going to the places I actually wanted to go to because I got rejected over really small stuff. In college, however, I did try but a variety of things happened including but not limitted to a pandemic, loss of multiple family members, health issues etc. Not only did I not do well at this mediocre university, I feel like I underperformed on my own expectations. And well... I don't have any more time to prove myself wrong. That glow up isn't coming, the redemption arc isn't coming, this is all there is. And its not very impressive to say the least. Because I didn't fulfill my achievement desires, I am finding some old stage orange stuff come up for me but that's a different post. 
2. I'm anxious about moving in with my parents for an indefinite amount of time and it's reminding me of my experience with the pandemic
   • I can feel myself psychologically bracing myself for the few months to come. I don't know how long this will be and that's the thing that's freaking me out. I remember how that ended last time and I am scared of my mental health getting that bad again. I worked hard to be where I'm at. I don't want that to be ripped away from me again. 

Positives: 

1. I feel ready to move on from this environment 
   • This is kind of going off of the first point about not achieving much but basically I feel like if I were to stick around in this environment, I'm more likely to compare myself to other more high achieving students because I am existing in a bubble with them. This contrasts with the relationships I have with people who already graduated or didn't go to college at all where I feel less inclined to compare because we're all in such different paths and timings. I also feel that the reason why I'm self conscious about my lack of achievement is because of it makes me feel like I won't be able to support myself rather than a need to be better than other people for the sake of it. I think once I get a job that pays my bills I should be ok. 
   • I'm also noticing how this environment has been affecting me negatively as things have accumulated over the years. I feel like I picked up on internalized racism during my time here and that has resulted in a lot of body image issues, imposter syndrome, and just generally feeling like I'm not good enough and that I'm a 1000 steps behind the average rich white person here. I feel like no matter how hard I try I won't ever be as skinny or as beautiful as the average sorority girl on this campus. Not to mention I feel dumb like 90% of the time and that I don't fit in with this crowd no matter how hard I try because I was never raised in that kind of enviornment and I don't know what the norms always are. Anyways, I'm pretty sure I'll look back at my years here once I get a little bit of distance and thing *damn, I let these mediocre people convince me that I was dumb, ugly, and socially inept for 4+ years*
   • Socially, I feel like I've tied up a lot of loose ends whether its because of my study abroad trip or my volunteer work I have been doing this semester or the friends I have made in the past year or so. Professionally, I feel like I did as much as I could with an internship and studying abroad. Again, my desires for achievement aren't completely satisfied but I don't feel as insecure of my resume because it isn't as much of a skinny legend anymore. I feel like I'm in a more solid place over all and I think I'm ready to move on to something different. 
   • Also, everyone looks a little too squishy faced and childlike to me and I feel like I'm overstaying my welcome here lol. 
2. The job search doesn't intimidate me all that much 
   • I feel like I'm applying into the void and for some reason that is helping me not internalize the results of this whole process. I guess it might have to do with how if you think of it as applying into the void, you're not thinking about how you might be perceived by a hiring manager thus getting rid of the self consciousness. 
   • I think because I'm ready to move on from college, I've kind of adopted an *it is what it is* attitude towards the job application process. 
3. I do still find a sense of accomplishment with finishing my degree even if I didn't meet my standards
   • I think I did an amazing job at selecting a degree that makes me feel fulfilled and that has made me feel significantly more educated in the end. I don't know what's left to come with how I will use this degree but I will say that the courses I've taken greatly impacted my personal development and the way I see the world. I genuinely feel that my education has made me a more conscious person with better critical thinking skills when it comes to practical, theoretical, and emotional matters. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Luxury Tiktok Compilations

So I've been finding more luxury tiktoks in my for you page and I guess I liked a few videos, the algorithm did its thing, and then I liked a few more. A couple days ago I found myself looking at websites with luxury handbags, jewlery, and coats despite not really having the desire to have any of those things from a practical point of view. I don't like having handbags, wearing jewlery annoys me, and I use a coat once or twice a year because I live in Texas. And I'm also desensitized to luxury items since going to college because I see it all the time and I don't get the hype at all. In other words, this isn't about wanting a luxurious life style, there is something underlying it. Because I don't really care about expensive things and because they don't really make sense to me , I don't even know what I would get myself tbh. So basically, I find myself browsing aimlessly at different luxury websites hoping something will catch my eye, but then nothing ever does, so I just find myself sitting there reevaluating my life like I am now in this post.  

1. Stage Orange itch because college didn't go the way I hoped + wanting to feel accomplished
   • I talked more about this in my previous post. But basically, I didn't achieve everything I wanted in college and I guess that stage orange itch is manifesting in me fantisizing about having nice things even though I'm well aware that it is a fantasy. 
2. The fantasy of having all of my hard work being paid off in a blatant and luxurious way I can flex 
   • I feel like the aesthetic of living a luxurious lifestyle can sometimes serve as a tangible manifestation of hardwork if one buys into the illusion of meritocracy in this country. And as someone who is currently feeling like all of her hard work hasn't paid off just yet, I guess there is that part of me that feels like over compensating. 
3. Wanting to feel like I have my shit together 
   • With the luxury aesthetic comes with this notion that everything is financially taken care of and that you have the disposible income to do whatever you want. In other words, at least materially, you look like you have your shit together. I feel like for me, I have many areas of my life handled but the one area I haven't fulfilled is my career aspirations and how I'm still financially reliant on my parents. 
4. Wanting to tap into what I want in life without having a scarcity mindset + desire to treat myself
   • This is similar to the previous point but I have been realizing how I don't really have a good idea about what I want out of my life because I've been so focused on my needs. I think I need to reach a point of stability in order to think clearly about what it is I want without falling into a scarcity mindset. And part of that stability is having my shit together financially and having the freedom that money can afford me.
   • I also feel that as a frugal person, that I don't normally treat myself because I'm more focused on my needs than my wants. However, because I'm slowly becoming more in tuned with my wants and letting myself have those wants, I'm finding myself having this itch to buy something expensive. Not only do I want these things as a symbol of my hard work paying off, but I want these things to symvolize a sense of effortlessness, ease, and softness at the same time.

Edited November 20, 2022 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Things I Want To Write About 

Leo's Video on When the Left Goes too Far 

Reflections on My Career and Job Search 

Reflections on My Study Abroad Experience 

What I Have Been Learning from My Friends Who Already Graduated 

Reflections on My Human Rights Class 

Reflecting on my Volunteer Experiences 

Thoughts on Settling and Stability 

New Years Resolutions 

Reflecting on My Issues with Food and Body Image 

Redifining Frienships as an Adult 

[soos_mite_ah]

My First Job Out of College

I landed my first job out of college in December and I've been working for 4 weeks so far so I thought I'd make a little post detailing how I feel about this so far. 

Pros: 

1. Benefits and pay is pretty good 
   • I'm making roughly $65k a year and I feel that this is pretty good for someone who just graduated college. It's definitely enough to support myself in the Dallas area. 
   • I am getting paid hourly so that means they aren't about to overwork me without giving me overtime. 
   • I have pretty good health insurance, better than what I had before with my parents. 
   • I have bereavement, and maternity leave along with 10 paid holidays, 15 vacation days (= 3 weeks of vacation), and 5 sick days. I feel like this is pretty good considering that I live in the U.S.
2. 90% of my job is remote and the company doesn't care about me coming into the office so long as I do my job.
   • So far I have taken naps, showered, and made lunch and dinner from scratch during my breaks. I'm also so thankful for not having to commute and deal with traffic on the regular basis. I really like the flexibility that I have here. 
3. Overall work culture is pretty chill.  Generally speaking, I'm not picking up on any red flags here. 
   • The one time I went into the office, everyone was super nice and generally it felt like this wasn't a super corporaty environment. At most people were wearing business casual and most people showed up with jeans and a nice shirt and a handful of people had colored hair, visible tattoos and piercings. Overall, this company doesn't give a fuck so long as you're doing what needs to get done. 
   • Generally I'm picking up on a good work-life balance. I can tell most people in this company prioritizes having a life outside of work and it doesn't feel like an overbearing culture where people gossip a lot or put a lot of social emphasis on the work climate especially since most people are working from home. 
   • The job that I'm doing itself does not seem like super stressful work. Like it seems pretty chill and straightforward but I do think there is a bit of learning curve as you're getting used to their software. But most of the people I'm working with are pretty understanding with that and I don't think people are going to hold it against me. 
   • Supervisors seem pretty accomodating and if they can't, they usually have a good reason. 
   • Most people stick around in this company for +5 years. I feel like this is a good thing because in the last company I worked at, most everyone was either new or wasn't at the company for longer than 3 years and there was a reason for that. That reason being that the company was over working people and expanding way too quickly to where there was high turnover. And I don't think that this is the case with this company. That isn't to say that these people are stagnant, most of them do have a decent degree of career progression as well. 
4. Decent learning and development/ promotion opportunities
   • I am noticing that a lot of people in my position do get a promotion about a year or so into this work and over all I can see a similar path of advancement as far as time lines go. If I do end up loving this job, I will have a lot of clarity in my career. 
   • This company does a good job in investing in training for their employees which I really respect. There are also a lot of resources that you can utilize as well which is always a good thing when trying to pick up new skills. 
5. Multiple locations 
   1. Given my nature of work, I feel like it would be pretty easy if I were to move elsewhere to be transferred into a team in a different location. I feel like this can be a huge plus as someone who is fresh out of college and is still figuring a lot of things out. And I mean, one of the main headaches that comes with trying to relocate is trying to find a job in the place you're trying to go and I think that wouldn't be as much of an issue if I were to stay with this company. 

Cons: 

1. Not super well aligned with my values.
   • I do think that the company over all and the people have similar values as me and does spend a lot of time and energy in various social responsibility projects. They also seem to go about in a pretty healthy and authentic way. I also feel that our values align in the way that the work culture operates. However, this company does make software for property management companies and the thought of me helping make a landlord's life easier doesn't really sit well with me lol. I get doing things for commercial real estate because the whole point is for businesses and profits, but I have a whole thing about thinking it's unethical to treat residential properties as some kind of investment because that is something people need to live and is a basic human right. I don't think they are full on unethical but I can see how they can indirectly contribute to things that are harmful.  
2. I don't know if I will like the job.
   • I'm currently in training for my role and the job itself doesn't seem too bad but I do get the impression that at times it's going to be repetitive and annoying. I also don't see much purpose filled work here. I think I will know about this better when I actually start working but I'm not too concerned about this because it is a starting point for me to figure out what I want to do and what I like/don't like in a job. In the mean time, I'm going to enjoy having decent pay and benefits in a healthy work environment to ease into this next chapter of my life. I also get this feeling I might get bored of this job in a few years lol. 

Things that would be nice in the future In my future job after this one

I think its naive to think that I will be in this company for my entire career trajectory and I think as I learn more about the kinds of roles I want and what is generally out there that it doesn't hurt to have something in mind that is a step up from what I have right now.  

1. Unlimitted PTO and sick days OR being in a country that really prioritizes this: While I am pretty content with my PTO package as of right now, I know there are places in this world that have a MINIMUM of 4 weeks PTO (I currently have 3) and has more legal protection regarding minimum maternity leave laws. This is something that I can see caring a lot more in the future especially if I decide to settle down with a family. I feel like moving to a different country is a whole nother thing I could make a post about. 
2. Flexible working hours: I heard this was a thing and I would've loved if that was the case for me. I am working for an hourly wage as of right now and it makes sense for my role if I'm going to be honest but I feel that if I were to work in a salaried job that I would expect flexible working hours and a decent work culture so that they don't try to over work me. 
3. Paying for grad school: This company does cover a little bit of it but they told me they won't cover it if it doesn't directly have to do with my job. That isn't bad but since I'm still figuring my stuff out, what if I realize that I want to pursue something else? I get that this isn't favorable to the company which I understand but still lol. 
4. Something more aligned with my values and has more purpose: See, but at first I need to know for myself what that looks like so while I do have a stable job right now, Imma use that stability to explore what other roles there are out there for me to find more fulfillment. 
5. More money: I'm happy with what I have but I mean, why wouldn't I want more as I get older and have more experience off my belt.  

Over all thoughts: 
I think that this is a good start considering I am a fresh graduate. I feel pretty good about this job and this company even though I have a couple hang ups here and there.  I am very greatful about where I landed because not everyone has it this good after graduating. I am fortunate to be working at a company that has reasonable hours, a chill culture, and compensates me well enough to where I have a lot of peace of mind. I also consider myself incredibly lucky in the way that I only applied to like 10 jobs and I landed this role less than 2 weeks after graduating college. 

[LastThursday]

Hey @soos_mite_ah it's great to see you're doing well. I also work with real estate software, and have the same feeling of it being unaligned with my values. But I tell myself that in the end I'm helping people find a home (maybe even their dream home), and that's no bad thing.

[soos_mite_ah]

Posts I want to think about more 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Happiness Spectrum

I have been spending the day contemplating a lot of things since it's been one month since I have gotten my job and I wanted to reflect on the ways that I have changed since then, my first impression of adult life after school, and where I want to go from here. I have been revisiting some of Leo's older videos that I have watched as food for thought. One of the videos I revisited was the Happiness Spectrum.

I did do a post about this a couple years back reflecting on this topic which I'll quote below and I wanted to do the same thing again to see where I'm at. My 2023 comments are in green. 

On 4/12/2021 at 4:40 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

The Happiness Spectrum: (Found these notes in the comment section and decided to copy and paste them onto this journal as well as including my own commentary in order to reflect. Those are in blue. My goals and future action item are in red.) 

1. There are two kinds of happiness: Hedonic (Bad) & Eudaimonic (Good)
2. Hedonic happiness is the most common form of happiness, short-term pleasure, easy to obtain and not very fulfilling (thrill-seeking).
3. Eudaimonic happiness is long-term gratification, difficult to obtain and very fulfilling (virtuosity).
4. Average common happiness is hedonistic, little to no work involved. 5. There's no shortcut to Eudaimonic happiness. Any shortcut you find automatically leads to hedonism. 

The Happiness Spectrum:

+ Pure Hedonistic Happiness (avoid, very addictive, unreliable): I think these can be ok in moderation meaning it isn't an addiction, something your life revolves around, or something you are attached to. 

• Drugs
• Food, partying & drinking (food is necessary, eat healthy)
• Beauty (too easy to obsess over and feel bad): I do have a hang up on the way I look and I'm working on accepting myself though there are times where I feel like plastic surgery would make me happier. Still have this issue 
• Money, shopping (can only buy more of hedonic happiness): With money, my goal right now is to get on my feet and become financially independent. I wouldn't say that I'm chasing money or that my life revolves around it but I do see the importance of it. It's one of those needs that I need to meet. I have accomplished this and I think that helped a lot. With shopping, I'm trying to get to a point where I'm comfortable with treating myself. It's more about self care and eliminating limiting beliefs around money rather than being a shopaholic. These things aren't addictions for me but they are things that need to be integrated into my life in a healthy way. I still have a couple limitting beliefs around money but I think I'm in a much better position compared to when I first wrote this. 
• Media & entertainment: TV, internet, social media, videogames (extreme time sink): I don't really use these much for entertainment but I use them for education mainly. I still use media in the same way but I'm cutting down because I'm kind of tired of this medium of self education. 
• Gossip, Idol socialization (look up Elanor Roosevelt quote about great minds)
• Pursuing fame, public image & "success" (equivalent to chasing money, validation)
• Validation from other people (relying on others for happiness): I am sometimes guilty of caring what other people think of me too much. Yeah, I don't really have this anymore. 
• Porn & sex (can be a problem if obsessed over): I want to explore my sexuality but it isn't really an obsession. Not really an issue
• Romantic infatuation (honeymoon period of relationship): I think this is one of those things I need to exhaust tbh.  I'm in a healthy relationship now and I think I exhausted this tbh. 

Goals from this section: 

• Financial freedom 
• feeling comfortable with treating myself 
• get into a short term relationship to exhaust my need for one and also explore my sexuality in that relationship 

 

+ Neutral Happiness (good):  I'm going to bold things that I feel like I can increase more of both in this section and in the Eudaimonic Happiness section

• Hobbies (that lead to long-term improvements: musical instruments, sports, etc. NOT videogames, gossiping or bingewatching tv-series): A lot of my hobbies also check items on the Eudaimonic list
• Physical exercise (don't exercise just to obsess over beauty, weightlifting): I enjoy being active but I can do better especially after moving out of my parent's house so that it doesn't devolve into obsessing about beauty. I took care of this and I feel like I'm active regularly while having a good relationship to exercise. 
• Friendships & strong relationships (real, solid friends): I want to focus on this more. Taken care of. Currently I have a solid handful of friends.
• Companionate love (love in relationship after honeymoon period): I want this as well but I think I need to work on myself more and burn through some of my superficial desires before jumping in so that I have a clearer head. But this is a goal, not for now but in the future. Currently have this and honestly, it's going well.

Goals from this section: 

• Socialize more to develop strong relationships 
• Work out and be active 
• Get into a long term relationship (later) 

 

+ Pure Eudaimonic Happiness (awesome):

•  Learning & education (savoring your education, student for life): As a student much of my time is dedicated to this. I hope that I can continue that even after college. Yes I still do this. Granted it's only been a month but still. 
• Excellent flow & work states (do you value your work, does it produce "flow" for you?): I need to find my life purpose. I feel that I could grow exponentially when I find that one thing. Still trying to figure my life purpose out.
• Inner development (personal growth activities) (meditate!): Been having this as a priority for the last few years. It's been hard work but soooo worth it. 
• Self-acceptance (accepting yourself exactly as you are): Been really focusing on this. Could do better tbh. I have come a long way
• Kindness (doing good things for other people, being kind to other people): Never had a problem with this growing up. 
• Gratitude (be thankful for what you already have) (make it a ritual): I could probably benefit from a personal gratitude journal tbh. 
• INTEGRITY (are you living up to your greatest values? are you doing the things that are meaningful to you in life? are you honoring commitments to others and yourself? how good are you at keeping your own commitments to yourself? do you set a goal for yourself and then quit? work on integrity): I have a huge need for integrity and when I don't get it I often feel like I'm about to implode lol. I always prioritized this and I never regretted this. 
• CONTRIBUTION (what your work does for the betterment of humanity in the world. what kind of impact does your work have? is it contributing in a way that YOU believe is meaningful, not what other people believe is meaningful, but what you believe. you have to believe it. not just volunteering, but producing something that move people):  Again, need to find my life purpose. 
•  >>BEING<< (existing, the best way to practice this is through meditation. it teaches you how to enjoy the moment of being. you should not need any stimulation, activities of any sort, not even of the Eudaimonic kind. if you're able to be present, in the moment, totally enjoying yourself, that's what ultimate peace of mind means) "The best moments of life are moments of being, not moments of doing.": I really enjoy meditating and contemplation but I think I should table working towards something like enlightenment later. I'm not even going to bold this because it isn't healthy for me to make it a priority now by skipping a bunch of steps. I already have a meditation habit and I think for now that is sufficient. I think now that I have taken a step back, I have a healthier relationship with spirituality and I do see myself diving back within the next couple years as I am still in a place where I feel the need to build up a sustainable life externally. 

Goals from this section 

• Find my life purpose 
• Work on self acceptance by working through insecurities and limiting beliefs. 
• Create a gratitude journal 

Eudaimonic activities are a lot more difficult than Hedonic activities, definitely at first when transitioning. It will become easier after that. It's because you're still addicted to hedonism. It takes an acquired taste. Eudaimonia does not provide instant pleasure. It's difficult to quit instant pleasure. What it does provide is long-term, long-lasting gratification, which is ultimately better for your mind, body and spirit. And thus for your happiness. I don't think I have a problem with the hedonic part of the list but I need to burn through some of those so that I won't be distracted when I'm pursuing the neutral or eudaimonic forms of happiness. I think I have burned through much of it now that I'm looking back at it. I think the two main goals that I think will greatly impact my happiness is finding a more fulfilling job and getting my career figured out as well as dealing with my body image issues. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Fake Growth v. Real Growth 

I have been thinking about this video for a hot minute now because I feel that compared to where I was 2 years ago, I've come a long way in terms of my self development and I've had a lot of good things to externally manifest. I feel that this has grown me internally as well but I wanted to be careful about deceiving myself by having bandaid, external solutions for internal problems. At the same time, I feel like for me personally, while I might know something intellectually, sometimes I need external experience for me to be able to turn the switch and emotionally integrate it. I believe this is because even if we know something logically, it's not always enough to integrate it because we don't have the life experience to back that logic up. For instance, in theory you might know that you are capable of having a healthy relationship and attracting a good partner, but if you have instances consistently in the past that contridict this (like maybe you're perpetually single or your past experiences were messy), it can be difficult to integrate that fully until you have an event that proves it to you. In other words, while there is only so much you can do with external validation, in some cases it can have a lot of merit. 

Regarding the video, Leo talks about ways to gage whether there was fake growth or real growth. I jotted down a couple of notes and I thought I'd go through each of the bullet points and reflect on whether my achievements were fake growth or real growth. The following achievements I will be reflecting on include getting my job, getting a good group of friends, and getting a significant other. 

Real growth creates a permanent release of issue

• I feel like a lot of issues around desirablity platonically and romantically have been dealt with.  I remember that for a very long time from my childhood, I thought that there was something inherently wrong with me. I never feel that way now and I feel like a big part of it had to do with therapy, learning how to make and maintain friends as an adult, and understanding how my ADHD/neurodivergence affected me socially and how to as a result stop masking. 
• As for work, I don't know how the issue would be fully dealt with. It's only been a month. 

If there is real growth, there is no overcompensation or obsession over the issue. You won't need defensiveness. 

• I don't find myself over compensating in my relationships or at work. I have good boundaries from both and I do feel pretty secure. 
• I feel that there is a little defensiveness there when it comes to my job. I'm in the stage where I do pressure myself a little to do a good job since I don't want to lose it as soon as I got it. But I also think that this has to do with me being new to the workforce and still figuring things out. But overall, I don't find myself wanting to overwork myself or feel this need to prove myself. 

When there is real growth, the problem leaves your mind, feels trivial or insignificant (you ask yourself how was this was ever an issue)

• At this point, quality relationships and a quality job kind of feel like a given. I kind of think it's wild that I had issues with both but can still empathize with my past self. 

If there is real growth, you won't need to exert will power/ need to force yourself to do things that are needed

• I don't need to exert will power or force myself to be around my friends or significant other. Can't say the same for my job though. However, I will say that I think it has more to do with my job lacking purpose rather than me lacking in growth. It isn't the worst thing in the world but it isn't exactly the thing I want to be doing with my time. 

Look at emotional responses in situations and ask yourself if they improved

• I feel that a lot of my insecurities around interpersonal relationship have greatly diminished and I do catch myself having a much more secure attachment style. I also find myself not prescribing to hyper independence as I used to before and I'm also much more gentle on myself. I also feel that I have grown both in the way that I feel comfortable opening up and sharing my life as well as having the support and input on ways that I can grow as a result of me talking about my life. 
• Romantically, I think it's wild that I've ever questioned my desirability. I feel much more comfortable and self assured in myself in romantic matters. I feel very secure in my relationship and I also feel secure in my ability to get into other relationships. I know I had some femcel tendencies here and there before, and while I knew better, it was difficult for that switch to go off in my head to emotionally integrate it because I didn't have the life experience to back it up. 
• I feel that a lot of issues around my imposter syndrome has died down since getting out of my college environment. I do notice my need to compare as well as my tendency to get jealous because I was insecure about my ability to support myself in the future considerably declined. 

Am I less reactive , less emotional need, am I calmer in this area of my life

• I would say yes when it comes to my career and romantic relationship as well as my friends, but as far as my friends go, I'm not perfect. I do still sometimes get triggered when everyone cancels on me at once or sometimes when I haven't heard from someone in weeks or I get sad around Christmas. I think part of it has more to do with how friendships in adulthood works when people have busy lives and many other priorities as well as some issues I've had with friendships in the past. As far as the friendship area of my life goes, I do feel much calmer but there is still room for growth. 

In conclusion,  I feel like most of the growth I've had was real growth, especially when it comes to romantic relationship. As far as fake growth goes, I think acquiring my job seems to have more fake growth than the other two categories (there is a lot of real growth, don't get me wrong) but I think a large part of it has to do with me figuring my professional life out. I am still trying to do the whole life purpose thing and I'm trying to gage where I fall socially and skills wise in a corporate environment. I don't think that this is fake growth as it is incomplete growth. Finally when it comes to my friends, I feel like its like 85% real and 15% fake given the hang up in my last bullet. I feel like that's a post of it own that I need to do but wanted to keep it succinct here so that I don't stray from the topic. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Summary of the video's tips

Work

• 1) Don't overwork yourself
• 2) Sell yourself in interviews (like, really sell. lie if you have to)
• 3) Getting promoted isn't treason, be an ally as a manager
• 4) Don't be intimidated by your jobs
• 5) Everyone's winging it
• 6) Show understanding and you'll receive it
• 7) Loyalty to your boss is seriously stupid
• 8) Organize or join a union if you can
• 9) Your identity is not your job, don't get invested in a place that isn't invested in you
• 10) Always choose your health over a job
• 11) If you can, don't quit before lining up a new job
• 12) Share your salary with others; only your employer benefits from you being silent about your pay.
• 13) Don't work the full 8 hours, at minimum take breaks
• 14) Take advantage of new business models (like work from home)
• 15) Keep equipment the company gives you if you can
• 16) Use all your benefits and expenditures

Summary of work section: you're a human, not an asset to your boss. support yourself and peers before anything else.

Finance

• 1) Avoid brand obsession, focus on the true labor value
• 2) Avoid excessive consumption, shopping to feel good is an advertising tactic
• 3) No ethical consumption under capitalism, but being sustainable is encouraged
• 4) Take care of what you own instead of immediately buying new
• 5) Buy, don't rent

if you can Small tips

• 1) Get a loan from a union before a bank (e.g. a credit union)
• 2) Balance food quality and price
• 3) Treat yourself where possible 4) Help the homeless

Edited February 13, 2023 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

How are Things Going with my New Job 

I have been working at my office job for about a month and a half now. I feel like I'm better equipped for talking about it now that I have more experience with the work itself since I'm out of the training phase. 

Everything that I said regarding the previous post detailing the conditions of my job still stands. I'm looking to add on to that post here since I know more about what I have gotten myself into. 

So far, I hate this. I'm taking this with a grain of salt since it's only been a couple days since I have been on my own but I get the feeling that technical work might not be for me. I don't like working with the software I'm using. I find it annoying and learning more about it feels like someone is reading the instruction manual for me rather than me being interested in the content. This might also be the case because I'm still new to the software and I'm still learning about it. I have been told since I started interviewiing for this role that it takes some getting used to and that the first 7 months is pretty challenging. 

I also tend to beat myself up for little mistakes on the job. My team is pretty chill abou it. They don't mind me asking a million questions and if anything expect it even if I feel like I'm annoying them. My manager seems chill but I do have difficulty from accepting corporate kindness or good treatment at the hands of authority. Some of it has to do with my personal experience with authority and a lot of it has to do with the constant horror stories of corporate America I have listened to for the past 4 ish years. 

The questions that are arising from this include the following: 

What kind of industry do I want to work for?
What is my inner child/teenager trying to say about my life right now?
What kind of jobs are out there internally and externally to the company?

What kind of industry do I want to work for?

Like I said before, I don't think that technical work is for me. I do know that with my role, I can have the opportunity to work in various departments in the company, even nontechnical roles. But I do think that even if I do something less technical, the technical aspect will still follow as I am working for a software company. So that brings me to think about the potential of switchin industries and what industry I might want to go to. 
 

What is my inner child/teenager trying to say about my life right now?

I mainly mean inner teenager here. I remember seeing a post a while back on how first you do the inner child healing and then once you're done, you gotta do the inner teenager healing. And while the inner child wants to cry, cuddle, and have someone be gentle with them, the inner teenager is usually angry and ready to fight someone lol. Jokes aside, I do get the feeling that if 16 year old me saw me today, she would be disappointed. I feel that she expected a job that is more exciting, more creative, more fulfilling, and involves more travel and adventure. 

I love the video above. I think it's important to take that with a grain of salt. Sure life might not turn out the way you wanted it to, but you can still be happy and fulfilled. I know that I probably wouldn't be happy if I monetized an artistic passion (like if I picked up selling art on comission or became a graphic designer for instance) because I think it would take away the freedom, passion, and fun that I associate with the activity. I know that travelling for your job, like if you were a consultant for example, is not all that its cracked out to be because often times, you get tired from work on that trip and there is only so much you can explore due to time constaints since you are travelling on the company's terms. And travelling full time as a part of my day to day lifestyle might just be an over kill for me and I likely thought of that because I grew up in a boring town as a teenager and was really craving something new. 

Nevertheless, I think incorporating elements such as more creativity, more excitement, and more adventure in my life is a valid desire. I think that as far as more excitement and adventure goes, it has more to do with me engaging in hobbies and activities that make me happy and moving somewhere new outside of the Dallas area. I think in wanting more creativity, that signals to maybe wanting to change the industry I am in and/or find something that utlizes my talents and values more to where I feel motivated at my job.

What kind of jobs are out there internally and externally to the company?

I'm still getting to know the company as well as the opportunities that are available to me. From what I know, my current job is a very flexible entry point into the company. If I stay at this role and get a couple of promotions over the next couple years or so, I can go into many other departments including but not limitted to sales, marketing, consulting, project management, corporate training, learning and development, etc. Even if I don't like my current job, I think it would be foolish to walk away from this opportunity and leave without buliding the evidence from some foundational skills first since a lot of what I do in this job can transfer over to other jobs in and out of the company. 

As far as externally goes, like I said, my skills and experiences can transfer. There is also another post that really resonated with me a few weeks ago. It talked about when you were a kid, you are told you can be anything but you aren't told all of the things you can be. As a child, you have limitted life experiences and there is only so much that you know about the adult world. You want to be a veternarian because you care about your dog. You want to be an actor, muscician, or politician because you see them on TV and the product seems interesting based on your tastes an interests. You want to be a teacher because you are familiar with that role. Maybe you wanted to be a lawyer or activist because there is a cause you really cared about or you found out that you're good at arguing your way out of things. You don't know what tf goes on in an office and all of the types of roles that go into it and how different they can be depending on role, industry, company, and company culture. And that is to be expected because you've been a student all your life. I didn't know wtf a project manager was when I was 17 nor did I know if that is something I wanted to do. 

And I think that's part of the reason why I really wanted postpone getting a master's degree because #1, I didn't know what I wanted to do and I didn't want to waste time and money on a degree I'm not sure about, and because #2, being in the academic bubble isn't going to expose me to all that is out there careerwise. It also isn't going to expose me to the various factors that come with a variety of careers such as what the lifestyle of that career can look like or the realities of that job. 

 

In Conclusion: I don't like my job as of right now. Things could change as I progess in the role and get more familiar with the software or I would have to look at a different career or industry. I think it's good that I'm at a point of stability, both financially in terms of money and benefits and mentally in the way the company and job are relativel chill, to where I can think more clearly about what I want as opposed to being preoccupied with having my basic needs not being met. While I am greatful for this opportunity, at the same time I'm not super excited about what I do and that is ok. Two things can be true at once. Sure I'm not excited about this job, but the whole point is for me to try something new, see what I like and don't like about it, and figure out my career going forward. 

[soos_mite_ah]

my body dysmorphia feels called out 

[soos_mite_ah]

Coping Under Capitalism Part 1 : A Desire for Meaning

I'm currently 2 months into my first corporate job after college. I have excellent work life balance, a stable income that I'm for the most part saving because I live with my parents, a solid group of friends, an exercise and self care routine, along with hobbies and interests outside of work that let me engage with my community and continue educating myself. I have it pretty damn good. The only thing that could make this better at this moment is if I were to be living on my own away from my parents which is honestly 4 ish months away.  

I do feel pretty happy. This sort of life style and position is something I have been dreaming since I was 17 years old being stressed out by school and my home life to the point where I felt as if I couldn't take care of myself. This felt like a dream rather than a reality as soon as 4 months ago. I feel more relaxed than I have ever been. I feel more clear headed. I am physically and mentally taking care of myself. I feel like I'm like 85% out of this flight or fight mentality I have been stuck in since I was 10 years old due to the pressures of school and growing up. The stability that this job gives me feels like such a priceless thing for me because of the way that it's giving me peace of mind and helping me achieve my personal and financial goals. 

At the moment, I'm giving in to the slow and relaxed pace of my work. It's mainly slow and relaxed because I'm fairly new and learning so it's not like I'm having responsibilities piled on to me as of right now. And as a somewhat burnt out college student, I'm leaning into it. I think it's really healing to take it slow a little bit while you're in a stable and secure position, so that you can make slow and gentle progress. I feel like I'm really unwiring a lot of hustle culture rhetoric on how you have to work yourself to the bone and grind to get somewhere. I am learning how to be more relaxed with myself and standards I tend to hold myself to that has been a result of me being in this competitive environment since I was way to young ot understand the systems at hand, causing me to internalize a lot of things. 

But regardless of all the healthy habits I have, from working out, having a good skincare routine, going to therapy, talking to friends, being around my significant other, getting enough sleep, eating well, making decent money, journaling, meditating, volunteering to engage with my community, and picking a job that prioritizes people's personal lives over work and thus creating a healthy work place, there is a part of me that still feels like this is a massive cope against capitalism. And I feel like I'm coping in healthy ways, and in some ways, thriving. But there is still that sense of emptiness that manifests because I'm not in a field of work that I find fulfilling or interesting. I can recognize this while acknowledging that I have it pretty damn good and that I'm thankful and lucky to be in the position that I'm in. 

I keep thinking of the phrase, the enemy of great is good. I can see this in my life but I also feel that the foundation of great is also good. I think it's alright to stay in the good so long as you don't lose sight of the great, and use the stability of good to envision the great since all of your basic needs are already covered rather than using the stability of good as a point of stagnation, however tempting that might be.

Career wise, I feel like this stable and good life is helping unwire some limitting beliefs I had around success and the scarcity mindset I was in as a college student tackling a competitive job market. It's also giving me the tools I need to suceed later on by exposing me to different experiences and paths I could take. It's letting me ease into adult life at a pace that feels reasonable for me that is being conducive to my growth. And as a result, it is causing me to desire having a more passionate career, be challenged, find that niche I could specialize in and master, and find something more meaningful.  Part of it is because I am in a stable enough position to think of these higher ideals instead of worrying about where my next meal is coming from. And another part of it is coming from me being bored and annoyed in my job despite some of the comforts I have. Liistening to podcasts and YouTube videos during the slow days where no one is watching you for a seemingly ridiculous amount of time eventually gets old, boring, and kind of existetential crisis inducing. Like, I'm really out here wasting my life staring at a screen while consuming media, and trying my hardest to not have a sedentary lifestyle. 

But I wouldn't say that it's sending me into an angst filled spiral of meaninglessness due to the fact that I have quality relationships, interests that light me up, personal goals I'm trying to reach, and volunteering to contribute to things I care about.  I can get through the day and be relatively happy, but in the silent moments in my day, I catch myself thinking *is this all that there is? Is this my life now?* in a slightly disappointed, jaded, and confused tone.  *C'mon, you're better than this. You can create a life for yourself that is so much greater. * And I while there is still that jaded undertone, I wouldn't say that this comes in a weird, self agrandizing tone rather its more of an acknowledgement of *Hey maybe, I can do something more. I have the drive, passion, the skills, and most importantly the means since I am in a rather priviledged and stable spot at 23. Like that is so fucking young. I could do so much with my time going forward. Maybe I am good enough and I need to stop underestimating myself and overestimating the ease in which I could get the things I have dreamed about.* 

I just don't know where to put my efforts just yet. And honestly, that is just fine. I'm not super anxious about it because I'm not emotionally spiralling, but I am just annoyed enough with my predicament to keep my eyes and ears open to pounce on an opportunity that fits me better to get me out of my current job. I'm 23 years old. I'm like a 3 year old, a toddler, in adult years. Like anything before 20 is basically being a kid, learning basic things, and having the tools to tackle adulthood lol. They don't count lol. And honestly, if you want to be generous, you can subtract 2 years because of the pandemic, thus making me a 1 year old adult. Either way, I'm baby and I am not in any rush to figure my life out. I'm just enjoying it and taking the lessons as they come at my own pace. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Coping Under Capitalism Part 2 : A Grain of Salt 

I was writing the previous post last night and it was getting late. I thought that I still had a lot that I wanted to say so I thought I'd cut it short and start writing again the next day. So here we are lol. I also looked back at some of my older posts regarding life purpose that I thought would be relavent in what I wanted to include here. 

 

While I do want to avoid being repetitive as I have written and elaborated on the subject quite a bit in the past, I thought I could jot down a few key points: 

• Detachment from outcome  can  help you build the resilience and grit you need to deal with the monotony of mastery because you're doing something for the sake of it, not because it is solely a source of excitement. Think of dating someone only because you're attracted to and because you feel passion in the moment vs dating someone for a variety of reasons and having the relationship grow at a reasonable pace in a more solid foundation, even if it looks less exciting on the surface. 
• Detachement from outcomeis important so that you can avoid taking things to seriously. This can help you remove the pressure of a ~~**grand life purpose**~~ and help you have a more balanced relationship to your career and life purpose. It can also make you have a more intrinsic relationship with your purpose so that you aren't too caught up with feeling like you're obligated to do anything. This can help you be more true to yourself and detach from the monetization piece. 
• Your job and career is a piece of your life purpose but it isn't all of it. It isn't the wisest choice to put all of your eggs in one basket. You can find meaning and purpose in many areas of your life and reducing life purpose to just your career can be really limiting to the human experience. It can also put a lot of pressure in one area of your life to where you can miss the good things in other areas such as quality relationships, hobbies, etc.  
• You're probably going to be forgotten in a couple of generations and you have a small moment to create a life for yourself of meaning. Do something that gives you long term satisfaction for your own sake that you can gain mastery in and that is meaningful to you. And that means that you don't have to monetize everything.   
• Purpose and dream jobs can often go hand in hand in our society because of capitalism and becasue of how much of our lives we end up working anyways. But it can be incredibly healthy to have boundaries between your identity and what you find meaningful and your job/career. Sometimes a job is just a job and that is ok. 

I do remember to a certain extent being more angst filled and cynical about capitalism while writing about the posts above. But a lot of that also has to do with other things that was going on in my life at the time. While I don't feel as angsty now, I do still resonate with much of what I've wrote. I think that while I am trying to figure out what is meaningful for me careerwise that I can nurture the other areas of my life that also gives me a sense of purpose. And if my priorities shift around in the future, that is ok too. 

I also think that a lot of the angst that I was feeling was due to how a lot of this was more so in my head drawing conclusions based on different things I've heard in addition to some of the experiences I had as a student rather than someone in the workforce. I feel that now that I am in the work force, a lot of what I'm learning about myself is pretty on point compared  to things I wrote a couple years ago. I would say that it's a more of a rediscovery rather than learning about myself. But becase I have more life experience and a better safety net now, I do feel more grounded in the conclusions I have made before since now I have more tangible evidence backing that up. 

And I'm still taking finding my life purpose in my career with a grain of salt. I want my life purpose to be evident in all areas of my life and while my career is a sizable piece of it, it isn't everything. I don't expect finding my life purpose in my career to be this big thing that changes everything but I do see it being something worthy to put my attention to in order to create a happy, fulfilling life for myself. That's also to say that I'm not willing to neglect other parts of my life for my career, life purpose or not. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I feel like I have a pretty good life and that I'm in a very solid place right now. I also know a few ways here and there than can take my satisfaction and fulfillment to the next level. 

• Align my career with my life purpose 
• Move to a place outside of the US in a walkable area
• Prioritize travel and excitement in life 
• Find friends who align with my interests + build upon my current relationships 
• One day get married to my ideal partner 
• Might or might not have a kid 

[soos_mite_ah]

I think that Marianne Williamson and Dr. K from Healthy gamer are really good people to look at when trying to figure out how to engage with people from a stage yellow lens. I find that while I am able to understand and empathize with people from different stages rather than getting immediately triggered as a stereotypical stage green person, I'm not the best at guiding conversation in a productive, stage yellow way. And part of it has to do with not encountering many examples of what that looks like. I think that talking to the other stages is a skill of its own and not all stage yellow person has this. I think you see this more in places like a group of liscenced therapist where even though they might not be trained or even aware of SD, they are still trainined to deescalate and talk to peopel from a wide range of development stages. I do recognize that to engage with some populations, like the really reactive right, there is a need to be trained to handle certain dynamics and types of situtions. And personally, as a standard layperson, it can be difficult to apply those skills to your life when you don't have that kind of access to that kind of training. As a result, I have been taking the road of disengaging in situations I know I will likely make worse. But I think examples like Williamson can be an indicator of things that I can apply and implement so that I won't have to disengage as often. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Thoughts on Having a Kid 

This is something that I have caught myself thinking about a lot lately. I feel rather ambiguous about the thought of having a kid. I know that I don't want kids because I feel like having more than one is a lot to handle financially and emotionally, and also as an only child who doesn't know how sibling dynamics work, the thought of navigating that with multiple children seems wild to me. Also, if I do decide to give birth, I'm not doing that shit more than once. It seems traumatic. I also feel that you are no more of a mother whether you have 1 kid or +5, in the end of the day. So my question is, is motherhood for me? 

I have journaled about this in the past. I do still stand by much of what I wrote here (points 2-5, 7, and 8) but as for point 1 and 6, I feel like I want to challenge that a little bit. I feel like I have grown significantly since the last time I have written this and my life circumstances are very different. I am in a healthy and loving relationship which has made me think that maybe I have what it takes to raise well adjusted adults since often times, the qualities that make a good partner also makes a good parent. I'm also in a job that is stable and has descent benefits so I think in a few years time I would be financially equiped to have a kid in a dual income scenario. I'm sure in a few years I will be able to have a career that aligns with my life purpose. And as a result, I think that can fulfill much of what I have written about the moving parts of being a good mother (point 6) since I have the other aspects down. 

I'm still hung up on how much I would enjoy motherhood. I wouldn't say that I'm wanting a kid out of this expectation that it's going to be enjoyable and just sunshine and rainbows as most women are led to believe, rather it is this drive towards fulfillment. I do want to work on something in my personal life long term that will bring a lot of fufillment and the process of socializing a kid, guiding a kid, and raising them to be a good person is something that resonates with me since I feel that my life purpose has to do with understanding and improving the human condition. But at the same time, I wonder if having a kid is the best way of going about actualizing this purpose. Part of me wants a kid because I want to give them the parent and the conditions that my parents weren't able to give me. I wrote about this in the post I linked above: 

On 12/8/2021 at 1:58 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

But then again, perhaps I have a different kind of maternal energy. Even thought the thought of having kids is a big **IF**, I often catch myself thinking about long term goals I have and how they relate to me setting the foundation for having a family. For instance, I have been working on my mental health for quite some time now and I have been working on myself in general and even though I am doing this for myself and for my own quality of life, there is this thought that comes to mind where there is a part of me that is doing this for my future husband and kids. If I am well adjusted and create a very solid life for myself internally and externally, I'm more likely to have a healthy and loving relationship with a future partner and then we can raise a functional, healthy, and happy family together.

Not to be cliche but there is a thing in a lot of spiritual/self help circles when discussing generational trauma where when a person heals from that trauma, they heal everyone that comes after them and they pave the way. And I genuinely feel that if I were to have kids, it would be an expression of the fruits of my labor in the past and my long term thinking from when I was like 15. Like when I think of having kids, I don't think of creating a legacy in material terms rather it's more along the lines of passing down a certain level of consciousness to my kids by the way that I raise them and have them go on their own self actualization journey to grow as individuals so that they can go much further than I did.

And I wonder if this is my own form of maternal energy or if this is a toxic reason for having a kid. But then again, what are some good reasons for having kids? I don't think I have a good answer for that. 

I'm also wary about my own social and biological conditioning playing into this. For the vast majority of history, motherhood was something that was expected and something that just happened to you. And now that we have a choice, I want to make the most of it by making a well informed and well contemplated choice even if it is to have a kid. But I still wonder how biased I can be when it comes to the topic of having kids. I have noticed lately that I have the tendency to make plans well off into the future and have the notion of being a mom be a given. And I don't know how much of that is me low key wanting to be a parent or if it is just the social conditioning. 

I was also talking to my boyfriend about a few things on how we see our futures turning out. He did mention that he is completely against having a kid. I will be honest, while I'm not totally on the having kids train, that answer did give me a little bit of the ick and I do catch myself thinking about how long term this relationship could be because the last thing I want to do is waste someone's time. 

But now, I feel like I'm in a position where I'm pretty sure that I have what it takes to be a good mom. But the question is, is this something I genuinely want to do in the first place? Like just because you have what it takes to be a lawyer, doesn't mean that you want to be a lawyer or that you would derive joy, fulfillment, or any other kind of satisfaction from it. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should or that you want to. So I'll be making a short bullet pointed list with little elaboration so that I don't spin my head into confusion from overthinking. 

Yes: 

• I feel like I could be a good mother. 
• I want to be that guiding and caring role for another human being and watch him/her grow as a person.
• Raising a kid seems like a long term goal in my personal life that would be fulfilling to me because it is a way I can understand and improve the human condition. 

No: 

• Material conditions: the world is a mess and money can be an issue 
• I think my desire to have a kid might not be coming from a 100% healthy place (wanting to have kids to be the parent that I didn't have) 
• I'm scared that motherhood would drain me and that I would hate motherhood even if I love my kid. I'm also scared of being pregnant and giving birth. 

While this is something that has been on my mind, it isn't something that I feel rushed to figure out. If I decide to have a kid, that's not a decision I'm making until I'm in my 30s. I have like 7-10 years left to figure this area of my life out. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Where do I want to live:

I remember growing up wanting to live outside of Texas. A lot of it had to do with watching my dad's immigrant experience, how it felt easy in the sense that the US fit him better than Bangladesh did even though he always had a nostalgia and fondness to Bangladesh. I thought that my home town being the only place I thought was home was rather arbitrary. I could have easily been born elsewhere. Patriotism and hometown pride didn't make much sense to me. So I always wanted to have an open mind to the possibilities of other places fitting me better. 

Then I got to my teens and became more aware of my politics and I was able to contextualize my experiences as a South Asian woman, a Hindu culturally, an agnostic spiritually, and an asexual person. Yeah.... that is quite a combination for someone living in a red state. Not only that, you can add the 2016 election and the presidency of Donald Trump to the mix which made my coming of age story rather angsty for a justified reason. I wanted to escape to a blue state so baddly. I felt that places like New York City, LA, Chicago, San Francisco would fit me so much better. It was also a feeling of safety combined with a sense of belonging due to me correlating my values to my politics that I associated with mainly blue areas. 

And to my huge dismay at the time, I didn't end up going to college in any of those blue states. Rather I ended up going to a very conservative school in Texas. I remember feeling extremely out of place there and struggling to make friends. The pandemic later on certainly didn't help. But eventually, I feel that my college experience ended on a good note with me finding friends and groups of people I resonated with.

Since then, I have been more critical of the choice of moving. I have finally found my community here and I have some solid relationships that I hope to maintain. I have found a good deal of stability in my current job. I yearned for this kind of stability through the pandemic. I feel that after the disappointment of my college admissions and how my first year or so played out academically and socially, I think I gained this sort of learned helplessness that made me feel that no matter how hard I tried I would be stuck here in Texas. The pandemic also made me significantly more risk adverse and "realistic." I put this in quotes because while I am more critical of factors involved with moving out of Texas, or Dallas in a matter of fact, I think it can be limitting at times to where it crosses the line from realistic to cynical. 

As I've been healing my inner child, I eventually found myself in the territory of healing my inner teenager which referrs to the part of me that wants to go on an adventure, start over, and find a place that I belong. I found myself last night envisioning my future from a sense of excitement thinking of all of the possibilities instead of getting into an anxiety spiral for the first time in years. I feel that it was different though this time. I find myself not having the same thirst for belonging and the impulse of being hasty in this matter because I have a solid friend group and significant other here. I have found places in Dallas that makes that inner teenager feel at home from random little coffee shops to various restaurants and parks downtown to the place I work and the place I volunteer at. I still see the merit of starting over and going to a new city because I think that it can grow me immensely. But in my mind, a city is a city in the end of the day and there are somethings that a lot of cities have in common due to the nature of city life. Nevertheless, here are somethings that I'm taking into consideration: 

Walkable City: Walkability is something that's really important for me because I feel like it makes things more accessible and its good for the physical and social well being of people. You get more exercise in and you interact with the community and surroundings more than if you were isolated in your own pod in a car. It's one of the things that I enjoyed the most about my college experience and when I travelled abroad. Also, I'm not into driving like that and ideally I would have driving as something that I can do for convenience but not necessarily something I would rely on. I also realized once I got to college that I didn't necessarily want to live in NYC rather I just wanted diversity and walkability. Speaking of which: 

Diverse area (culturally and socioeconomically): I feel that I gained a lot from living in a relatively diverse suburb which I took for granted (since this was the only life I had known) until I went to a very wealthy and white area for college. I think that there is a lot of ways that I educate myself by engaging with a wide variety of people. If I were to have kids, this is something that I would prioritize.  

Can be in US or NZ (NZ if I want kids): I think I'm content with moving elsewhere within the US given my current job and how stable it is. It's good for supporting myself. NZ on the other hand would be a step further since the stability is guranteed in the country rathe than contingent on my current job . By that I mean they have universal health care and affordable college. I have been fortunate enough to not deal with college debt and have a job that has excellent health insurance but it is something that would become all the more important once I have a kid. My main appeal with NZ is how it's not very capitalistic and that relative to the US they just have their shit together but I'm currently working in place that is relatively chill compared to the rest of corporate America and I have a pretty stable life for myself. 

Relatively affordable (need to get a better job): I don't know if I need to reevaluate my relationship with money or get a job that pays better but the thought of paying $2500 in rent in a place like NYC just gives me anxiety even if I was in a position to afford something like that. I do feel that most cities are generally higher in cost of living but I feel like this is one of those things that Dallas does right. 

A place where my career / life purpose can thrive: I think that this is more important than me finding a place where I can "find my own people" mainly because if I'm in a city of millions of people, I'm pretty sure I can resonate with atleast a handful of people. I feel confident in my ability to make friends and find common ground with people because I've been dropped in situations where finding like minded people have been an uphill battle for me due to an area's culture. But I think what can differ more from place to place is what kinds of industries thrive and pay well. I feel like I would have a better idea as to what this looks like as I figure out my career and life purpose more in the same way I feel that I have figured out my social life better. 

Some natural beauty and things to do physical activity wise: I am finding out more and more how much physical activity means to me and how much I enjoy it. From having a 3 hour bike tour in Amsterdam, to frequently going on hikes at my near by nature reserve, and relaxing by the lake, while I enjoy being in a city, I do also like having the space to do other noncity related activities. The things I listed above are much more preferred over large social gatherings and a thriving nightlife, shopping opportunities, and eating at fancy restaurants.  (so maybe SanFran > NYC if we're just going off of stereotypes lol)