Psychoanalyzing Myself

[soos_mite_ah]

@Raphael There isn't anything wrong with being any of those things but as someone who is coming from an emotionally negligent household that tends to shame me a lot for basic human things, there is a lot of self deprecation and emotional acceptance that I find myself working on. 

[Raphael]

@soos_mite_ah

Perfectly understandable And you are aware of it and you are bringing self-acceptance which is a very strong move considering that. It might be a bit difficult but you are making progress and this is remarkable.

[Etherial Cat]

11 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

@Raphael There isn't anything wrong with being any of those things but as someone who is coming from an emotionally negligent household that tends to shame me a lot for basic human things, there is a lot of self deprecation and emotional acceptance that I find myself working on. 

10 hours ago, Raphael said:

@soos_mite_ah

Perfectly understandable And you are aware of it and you are bringing self-acceptance which is a very strong move considering that. It might be a bit difficult but you are making progress and this is remarkable.

Interesting discussion. 

Before clicking on this thread I was analyzing my internalized sense of shame and noticed it stem from an environment where I've felt constantly criticized for being different than other's people expectations. It got me to constantly look at myself through an external gaze, try to mold myself into what other people want, and deeply feel like I need to apologize for the way I am. ?‍♀️

And what lead first to reflecting on this subject was reading Raphael's thread on why he took a break from Actualized.org. He has been seeing exactly what I have been starting to notice: this website is full of traumatized people, seeking self-actualization to finally make themselves acceptable. 

We are all valid as we are. Imperfect, figuring stuff out. We already are totally loveable and just need to finally know this is true, after having spent so much time believing we weren't enough and needed to earn it. Realizing this is easier said than known, but recognizing it is already a major step.

Edited December 19, 2021 by Etherial Cat

[soos_mite_ah]

Relational Trauma 

I think after talking about the goals I have for the year and how I feel about desire and experience that I'm in a good place to talk about this topic since I have some degree of personal groundwork covered for myself. 

After coming back to college, I had a roommate who I feel I'm really growing as a person with . This person is so gentle with me and validates my emotions, and is really supportive. Not only that but they keep me accountable and call me out on my limiting beliefs, not in a confrontational way where they are like "hey you're doing xyz wrong stop that" but more so in a "hey i know what you're going through is really rough and it makes sense that you think this way but you aren't xyz." And honestly, even typing the last sentence out made me tear up a little bit. I was in an emotionally negligent environment and while I have dealt with these issues before, given all of the things I went through during the pandemic and my health issues at the time, when you add emotional unavailability from your parents, I feel like you unlock a whole nother level of trauma. 

There is also a tiktok account that I found a while back which is called somymomsatherapist. She is I believe a professional marriage and family therapist who talks about dealing with relational trauma and discusses dating advice that comes from a limited place. She has lots of good advice but something that really stuck with me is how there is only so much you can heal in isolation. Yes, it can be beneficial to be single for a while when you are dealing with some issues like codependency, but when something is categorized as relational trauma, you need to rework your behavior patterns in a dynamic with another person and work at that like you would do a muscle. In other words, if you have been in a toxic relationship, it's important for you to get into healthy dynamics so that the patterns you got from the toxic relationship can be broken. You essentially have to recondition yourself. 

I think this roommate I have is helping me in this reconditioning process. I think people need to be careful in this type of thing and not go out seeking to find people to "fix you" rather it's more along the lines of finding healthy and uplifting people and keeping them in your life. It's also about opening yourself up to more positive experiences instead of feeling like you need to be in hermit mode until you get your life together. I wrote a little more about this a while back in my previous journal: 

This ties in with the post I did on desire and experience where I do have these limiting beliefs in myself and much of it is because of a lack of positive life experiences. It makes sense as to why I have the thoughts that I have, that's what my life experience up until now has informed me with. It's a reasonable conclusion for my lizard brain to make even though my conscious mind knows otherwise. And I think the last part is especially important because that means that the situation isn't so bad to where I'm a bottomless pit of needing validation and I can't identify red flags in people. I think if that were the case, maybe withdrawing a little and working on a solid foundation for myself to get that sense of clarity and discernment would be more appropriate. But as someone who already has that foundation, I think further going into hermit mode is doing a disservice for me because I'm withholding the positive experiences I need to heal the negative beliefs that are lodged into my lizard brain. 

Dealing with Platonic Undesirability 

Speaking of which, there is something that I have been grappling with lately. I have been wanting to reach out to my old high school friends a lot in the last couple months. I drifted apart from them like 4 years ago during my senior year of high school and a lot of it had to do with me naturally drifting apart from them and needing to go off an work on myself. I feel really intimidated by the idea of reaching out to them especially since I was the first to walk away and because I don't feel like I have my life together 100%. Also, this whole working on myself and getting my life together thing has been taking MUCH longer than expected especially since the pandemic has caused me to acquire a new flavor of crazy which kind of brought me back to square one after I figured out a lot of shit. I have all of these thoughts on how this might be too late to reach out or if they think I'm reaching out because I haven't had that much luck in developing a social circle in college and they are my last resort (I mean they aren't, even if this doesn't go well I still have other people to lean on). Also, the whole me not having a solid social circle has been something that has been giving me a lot of pain on and off for the last few years and a lot of it started with me leaving this friend group. 

But again, what if this is me withholding the positive experiences I need to heal? What if this is just another place where I carry this limiting belief that I need to have 100% of my shit together to deserve human connection? I talked about this whole situation with my high school friends with my roommate and that really helped me process this whole situation emotionally. I think that if I have this conversation with my old friends that at the very least I'll get a sense of closure that can help me further heal from this whole thing even if I don't end up reconnecting with them and becoming friends like we used to be.  

Dealing with Professional Undesirability 

I have found an improvement in my issues regarding imposter syndrome after reaching out to some people, talking through these things, and getting more accurate information as well as more resources from them. I also think that this semester going well has been important to me because I think there is a part of my lizard brain that's like *oh I guess we can school after all.* While I don't think these things have cured my imposter syndrome, I do think that these were important stepping stones in the right direction. 

I'm also applying to internships and study abroad opportunities at this moment. I have a meeting with a professor who is running and creating this internship program. I think he is an important connection to have and a really valuable mentor even if I decide not to go into his field (he taught my HR class in college, was a pretty cool guy). I've also had a couple of interviews for internships and even though they haven't gone through according to plan, it was pretty reassuring to know that employers do see some inkling of capability from my experiences. 

There is a part of me however that really wants to study abroad. I'm applying to the same program that got cancelled during the pandemic. I know I was really looking forward to that trip during my entire time in college so it getting cancelled was difficult for me.  I think travelling to Japan would be really important for me as far as things like gaining a sense of independence and getting out of the U.S. goes. And lord knows I need a little bit of that because this pandemic has left me feeling like I'm an angsty 17 year old by the way this has caused my parents to basically keep me under house arrest. I think it's also important in helping me build that sense of confidence and capability as well. Finally, considering the fact that I'm likely going to graduate this time next year, it would be really helpful if I got a couple classes out of the way and this is also my last call as far as studying abroad over the summer goes. 

Dealing with Dating Undesirability and Issues with Body Image

I think a couple of really important things for me to do here is setting some boundaries as well as changing my environment. First with boundary setting. I don't think it's healthy for me to be in the dating section of this forum or to look at certain threads. I noticed that whenever I avoid those parts of the forum that I tend to deal with my body image issues better. The whole rating women on a scale of 1-10 thing has been especially getting to me lately because I know that a lot of the scale has to deal with things like racism and classism. And considering the fact that I'm in a college filled with rich skinny white girls where a very narrow standard of beauty gets enforced, the whole rating women thing has been hitting harder than usual. 

I have noticed that when I'm back in my home town, or really anywhere except campus and the surrounding area, that my tendency to compare and self deprecate is much lower. I think that's a whole nother thing to unpack in another post but I do know that things like location and environment can greatly shape a person's dating experiences. I have written about this in a previous post in another journal: 

 I think over all I need to get out more and go to places where I have things in common with people. I think it makes sense why it's hard to see myself in a romantically and sexually desirable light because that's been my experiences so far. But that doesn't mean I can't have more experiences that contradicts those previous experiences. I think I just need a change of scenery, not only geographically and socially but also in the way that I tend to live my life. I go into more detail on the post I linked above. 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 10/31/2021 at 4:25 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Just to keep myself accountable since I haven't been posting as much as I want to, especially in this journal 

Topics that I want to discuss in the future: 

• Healthy Relationships Pt. 2 
• Experiential and Factual Truth
• Dealing with Imposter Syndrome 
• Relational Trauma 
• In Praise of Being Average 
• How I Feel About Long Term Goals
• The Sad White Girl Trope 
• Personal / Professional Boundaries and Parasocial Relationships
• Autism and Neurodivergence: Unpacking my Ableism 
• Media consumption analysis 2021 
• Zyzz 
• NYC Delusions

I have so many thoughts to catch up on lol 

[soos_mite_ah]

Experiential and Factual Truth 

This is something that I've been thinking about lately as I've been trying to get into the habit of validating my thoughts and emotions even if they look delusional in the surface and as I've been trying to empathize with people who I don't agree with. 

The way I would characterize experiential and factual truth is the following: Experiential truth is truth from personal experience and emotions. It's the type of emotions you get from direct experience and how you interpret your direct experience. Factual truth is the truth you arrive at from things like research, analysis, and contemplation. Both experiential truth and factual truth are parts of Truth and while they can contradict one another at times, they still represent a certain aspect of the truth. 

I'm going to first start with how this relates to my personal experience. I'm the type of person whose head and heart often times conflict with one another. It's very easy for me to grasp something in my brain but it does take a minute for my heart to emotionally catch up and integrate lessons and experiences. I know better but often times that isn't enough for me to feel better. For example, when it comes to my body image issues, I know much of my limiting beliefs don't have much of a logical basis. A lot of it is rooted in things like classism and internalized racism. Beauty is something that is very relative and it doesn't make much sense to base your worth and confidence on it. That is the factual truth of the situation. At the same time, from direct experience, I have had situations in my life that created and reinforced this limiting belief. It makes sense why I feel this way and why I beat myself up. My self hatred on a certain level is valid and it doesn't make sense to invalidate it and pretend that it doesn't exist or that it makes me crazy or irrational. Here, the experiential truth of "the way I look impacts how I'm treated and how beautiful I seem" and the factual truth of "beauty is a social construct and treating it like an absolute is what is causing problems" conflict with one another. I argue that it's important to accept both the experiential and factual truth because they are essentially two different aspects of truth. 

When we deny experiential truth, in the micro we are invalidating our direct experiences and gaslighting ourselves on some level. There is a degree of emotional invalidation which at best can delay a healing process and at worse shut down the healing process because the party with their experiential truth feels unseen and unsupported, thus leading them to shut down. I have noticed this in conversations I sometimes have with my conservative peers in college. The way I often try to approach these conversations is that I try to make sure they feel heard and respected when they are expressing their point of view. I try not to invalidate their experience and directly say they are wrong in an accusatory tone rather I simply explain my pov and my experience. I try to meet their experiential truth with my experiential truth to address any misconceptions or biases they may have so we can both arrive at the factual truth that is backed up by things like facts and research. I don't immediately rush to bark statistics and facts at them because then people tend to shut down. Depending on how receptive they are to this way of dealing with the conversation then determines how I continue this conversation. If I catch them getting super defensive in this situation, that's when I still try to maintain a firm but still respectful tone on my side of things and I contemplate on things like setting boundaries with this person depending on my relationship with them. Most of the time, however, things remain respectful and we both get things out the conversation. 

When we deny factual truth in favor of only validating people's experiential truth, that's when people fall into the trap of validating harmful behaviors and attitudes with no boundaries. Imo, there is a parameter of truth that needs to be established so that things don't spiral. Falsehood is a part of Truth (I will get to that later) but we need to recognize that as a part instead of getting consumed in it. That's were factual truth comes in. I found myself coming to this conclusion when studying the religious conflict that is present in the Indian subcontinent. I'll refrain from getting too detailed on this conflict because I feel like that will make me go off topic but the over all gist is that the conflicts have caused a lot of people to be extremely traumatized and there are very deep biases in every side. A lot of scholars find this conflict difficult to do research on because of the lack of unbiased sources. 

Basically, my experience is that it's important to hear out people's experiential truth, even if some of it doesn't align with the facts of the situation. Their emotions and attitudes, though they may carry biases, are still part of the truth of the situation. But if you get too consumed with each of the narratives it can be very easy to lose track of the bare facts of the situation. That's where factual truth comes in, it keeps one accountable and level headed. Politically speaking, it also stops you from having the neutrality bias that a lot of centrists can fall into where they make false equivalencies with different perspectives. 

If we go back to the example that I used about my body image issues, it's important for me to accept and validate my feelings of insecurity. But what doesn't help is when this sense of acceptance turns in wallowing and spiraling. That's where the factual truth comes in handy in keeping me accountable. I have noticed that for me personally, I tend to get overly fixated on the factual truth of a situation and neglect the experiential side to where I can tend to be too harsh with myself and not take a gentle, more effective approach. 

I also think this can be applied to the whole incel problem as well. There is truth in their experiences, much of which has to do with how unhealthy mainstream versions masculinity have unhealthy notions of sexuality which then can lead men to spiral into self hatred. I can empathize with a lot of their frustrations with feeling defective in some way without declaring the feeling of defectiveness as some type of factual absolute. Yes, it's perfectly valid that you feel like trash because of the way society puts sex on a pedestal but at the same time, playing victim and coming up with these pseudo-theories about chads to further entrench yourself in this pain isn't helping anyone. I think Dr. K from HealthygGamerGG does a good job on validating the experiential truth of a lot of incels while still calling into attention the biases that take incels away from factual truth. 

Granted the guy has professional training in dealing with these kinds of issues but I do think that this way of approaching people you don't agree with is a very important skill to have, especially in very polarizing times. I think it's important to see people as people first rather than viewing them as opponents first. Because not much gets done when both parties come at each other with their butt cheeks clenched looking for a fight. And I don't blame people getting defensive in these circumstances because it takes a lot of work to get to a point where you can have certain conversations without getting super triggered because it's hitting at a nerve or trauma. I don't want to shame these people at all and I myself do fall into that camp. Sometimes we just aren't ready and that is ok. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Autism and Neurodivergence: Unpacking Stereotypes Around Autism

So recently, I've been getting a lot of videos in my TikTok feed about autism and neurodivergence. I also have a roommate in college who also has autism. As a result I have been finding myself getting a lot of information about this and part of me even sees myself in some of the symptoms. While I'm pretty sure that I don't have autism, I do know that I have ADHD and the symptoms of autism and ADHD do tend to overlap. I also know that there are parts of the forum that does discuss things like autism and ADHD as symptoms of heavy metal toxicity, poor diet, and an excuse for bad social skills (i.e. men are just more autistic than women and that's why socializing doesn't come as easy as it does with women). And basically, I just want to unpack all of this. 

I just want to start off by saying that autism effects everyone very differently. There is a range between having high support needs and having lower support needs as well as difference across genders as well. Women and people who are socialized as women (i.e. trans people and nonbinary people) tend to have things like autism and ADHD manifest differently  than someone who has the same conditions and is a man or has been socialized as a man. I do understand that I have a limited perspective as I am a woman and a lot of the autistic people in my life are also women or socialized as women. 

First off, I want to discuss my own misconceptions of autism as well as the stereotypes I have been exposed to prior to being more educated on this. The general narrative that I have been exposed to is how autism is a horrific disease that ruins people's lives and it's very difficult to be a functioning person with autism. The two tropes I can think of in the media. First is the nonverbal autistic person who is extremely dependent on their care takers and basically acts like a child. A good example of this trope is the Sia's movie Music where you have a nonverbal autistic girl who finds solace through music. The other trope is the super brilliant but really awkward and sucks at regulating emotions autistic which is portrayed in The Good Doctor where the main character is this young super genius surgeon who gets triggered quite easily. While there are autistic people who can see themselves in these tropes, the vast majority of those with autism from what I can gather often feel very limited and stereotyped into these roles. Even in Sia's movie, the actor who was acting in the lead role as the autistic person had multiple breakdowns on set because she felt as if she was mocking the autistic community in the film. These tropes can translate into other people telling autistic people things like "oh, but you don't look autistic" or worse, treating them like children with little to no agency or critical thinking skills. There is a really good video on the analysis of Sia's movie by an autistic person who discusses how the movie is harmful to the community.

And a lot of these misconceptions and stereotypes are further propagated through Autism Speaks which is basically a hate group. In a nut shell, this group wants to eradicate autism or make it so that people can detect autism in their children before they are born so they can abort those kids. That's basically eugenics. While I have no issue with abortion, if you are going to abort a kid just because they have autism or a disability, that is ableism and eugenics. This group also doesn't have any autistic people in places of authority so that autistic people can make choices for themselves, they don't do anything to educate the general public as to what autism is other than  running a bunch of fear mongering ads, and there is very little money that goes to autistic people. There is also a really creepy ad of a woman talking about wanting to murder her autistic daughter WHILE THE DAUGHTER IS IN THE ROOM and how she didn't kill her daughter by driving off a bridge because she had a "normal" daughter in the car with her. 

 

 There is a reason as to why I put the word normal in quote above. Firstly, that was the word was used in the ad when the lady was describing her neurotypical daughter but secondly, the word normal only makes sense given a certain context. Neurodivergent people aren't any less normal than a neurotypical person. There isn't anything inherently wrong with them, they just function in a different way and often see things from a different perspective. It isn't something that needs to be cured. Neurodivergent people are allowed to exist with their idiosyncrasies and all. They often just need additional coping mechanisms to cope with a world that wasn't built for them. It's similar to being left handed. Being left handed often comes with a lot of inconveniences because the world is mainly built for right handed people. But that doesn't mean those who are left handed are somehow broken or that there is something wrong with them. They just need extra help in some instances.  And that's the problem with groups like autism speaks, they seek to erase an entire group of people because they are perceived as deficient and undesirable rather than helping that group of people function in society.

Then there is the whole thing with women with autism. Autism is often stereotyped as something that happens to boys only.  As a result, women and those who are socialized as women often go misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all for years which causes them to go years without any form of treatment. Not only that, a lot of the diagnostic criteria don't take sex differences in socialization into consideration. Because of that, women and those who are socialized as women (I'm just going to start saying AFAB- assigned female at birth for the sake of conciseness and AMAB- assigned male at birth) also go undiagnosed because the way autism manifests in them is different compared to the way that it manifests in men. For example, a lot of the antisocial aspects of autism often doesn't apply to AFAB people. That's because people who are socialized as women, regardless of whether or not they are autistic, are often taught the importance of empathizing with people and the importance of human connection. The same cannot be said for men regardless of whether or not they are autistic. There is also the whole trope in masculinity of the self sufficient lone wolf that is propagated which often causes men to not reach out when they need help and not talk about their emotions which then further stunts their emotional development. This developmental gap is further widened when talking about men with autism. It's also often the case where AFAB tend to seek out other people who are neurodivergent and then they all tend to be friends with one another because they can relate to one another and find acceptance in their communities. A lot of neurodivergent women, myself included since I have ADHD, tend to find their own group of weirdos to hang out with. 

This is also the reason why I think it's so important to discuss socialization when it comes to differences between men and women in general. Especially when it comes to things like autism, while it is the same disorder across the board biologically, it can manifest very differently depending on upbringing and the way society treats you. Which is why it bothers me when a lot of people in this forum describe weird, incelly behaviors as "autistic." Having autism doesn't make you a creep. Sure it can make you a little oblivious to some social cues, but more often than not it isn't going to cause people to completely lack empathy and context clues surrounding a situation. Again, granted that a lot of the autistic people I know are women, a lot of them can still know what actions are considered creepy and what makes people uncomfortable regarding consent. Like basically as far as social awkwardness is considered, from what I have observed with autistic people is that sometimes it can take them a minute or they are a little more anxious than the average person, but they are still capable of forming human connections whether it is platonic or romantic. I guess what I'm trying to say is that a lot of the "autistic" behaviors that is described on this forum isn't due to autism or being on the spectrum rather it is due to being socialized as a man and not taking the point of view of a woman seriously from a cognitive or empathetic standpoint. 

And speaking about the forum, I remember about a month ago I was having a conversation in the pm with another user about the whole How to Get Laid series and I brought up the whole thing on autism in that conversation which I think would be beneficial to add to this post. This is my own comment so it's not like I'm copy and pasting something someone said to me in private on my journal: 

On 11/15/2021 at 10:38 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Also, regarding "autistic" people (I'm putting this in quotes because I feel like the implications of this word on this website is not accurate towards actual autistic people), I feel like this forum paints them in a broad stroke of people who have no social skills and no way of knowing how to empathize in basic situations. I've met plenty of people on varying degrees of the autistic spectrum and most of them can still function socially and have friends and partners. They do come off as a little quirky and clueless when it comes to really subtle cues and as a result a little awkward, but it's never to the point of making other people uncomfortable in a sexual or romantic setting (i.e. flirting with people when it's not appropriate, creeping people out etc.). I guess what I'm trying to say is that the whole "men tend to be kind of left brain and autistic" narrative is often used as a way to justify predatory, unempathetic behaviors and it can be pretty harmful towards people who are on the autistic spectrum since they are already discriminated against. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Autism and Neurodivergence: Neurodivergence =/= Mental Disorder and the Problems with Masking 

Ok so the last post I made turned out to be much longer than what I anticipated and turns out I have much more to say about this than what I originally thought. 

I have talked a lot on how autism isn't something that needs to be cured rather we need to support autistic people in a world that doesn't do a good job at accommodating them and educate people on how to better deal with people with autism in a just and fair way that doesn't dehumanize them. I also want to underscore that while things like autism and ADHD are disabilities since by definition it means you aren't going to be able to do somethings, that doesn't automatically mean that they are mental disorders. That's why I like the term neurodivergent. It means that you mind might function differently than the vast majority of people but that doesn't automatically mean that it's a disorder or that something is wrong with you. Again, think of it like being left handed. 

I have also talked at length about socialization and how that can cause vastly different outcomes when it comes to how autism manifests. And with that being said, I want to talk about my roommate and my experiences with them (they are nonbinary but they are AFAB). One of the things they have talked about with me regarding autism is how both their mom and their older sister also have autism. As a result, since they do have one parent who has the same condition, they were given a sense of patience and empathy and consequently was raised in a way that ensured that they had the coping skills needed to deal with autism and the things it can come with. That doesn't make them any less autistic though. In fact, they check off most of the symptoms of autism that are commonly present for women with autism. Rather they have a sense of awareness of what additional needs they might have due to their disability and how to communicate and go about getting those needs met in a healthy way. From what I've gathered anyway, the way they were raised implies that their condition wasn't something that was shamed rather their parents had to double down in teaching them and their sister emotional regulation and awareness and teach these skills in a way that was more gentle and more patient than you would with a neurotypical child. Though there is some issues with miscommunication that I have encountered with my roommate, for the most part those issues were easily dealt with and it's rare for me to feel like I'm not getting a sense of empathy from them. 

I also feel like I learned a lot on neurodivergence after talking to my roommate. While I highly doubt that I'm autistic, I do have ADHD and for the longest time until recently, I thought that mainly impacted my ability to work and do school work and occasionally it would dip into my social life because of the way that I tend to talk. One of the big things I learned was how neurodivergence really seeps into so many facets of socializing. As a result, intentionally and unintentionally, a lot of neurodivergent people resort to masking which is when they try to copy neurotypicals to be more like them to avoid the stigmas that are associated with their condition. There is a lot of subtle things that goes into masking and I found myself resonating with a lot of them and suddenly a lot of things started to make more sense. 

For the longest time growing up I got the message from my parents and my peers that there is something wrong with me. I did get picked on quite a bit when I was in elementary school and by the time I got to middle school and high school, I became really careful on how I interacted with other people to avoid bullying. I avoided conflict effectively but even though I was considered fairly well liked and I generally got along with most people, there was something off about me, something that prevented me from getting close to a lot of people and that prevented me from being seen cool and socially accepted (superficial I know but this becomes more relevant later on) and as a result I thought there was something wrong with me socially. I was always labeled as "the weird kid" which I coped with finding other similar weirdos to hang out with.

Well turns out a lot of neurodivergent women have the exact same experience. I don't know to what extent this is true but aparently 8-10 year old neurotypical girls are usually really good at detecting when another child is neurodivergent. They certainly won't come out and say it because I mean... what 10 year old is well versed in things like autism and ADHD, especially if they have never experienced it. But it usually presents itself in those girls picking on other kids, bullying them for their mannerisms, excluding them, and giving them the silent treatment because those girls see neurodivergent kids as weird.  This causes neurodivergent kids, especially girls, to start masking really early on and internalize this notion of "there is something inherently wrong with me."

Of course there is nothing inherently wrong with those kids rather there is a lack of education on how to deal with these issues. This lack of education can become incredibly problematic when the teachers themselves aren't well versed on how to handle these types of situations with bullying. Something that is apparently really common and that often goes into part of training for teachers is that when situations like these arise, there is this notion that if you place the rowdy kid next to the quieter, usually neurodivergent kid, that the rowdy kid will be influenced by the quieter, more studious kid and they will calm down. When in reality, from my personal experience as the quiet neurodivergent kid that was often paired up with the more rambunctious kids, it didn't do anything but open me up to more torment and additional annoyances from people who basically hated me.  Basically, what I'm trying to say is that often times even the ways that the adults try to deal with these issues with bullying and mistreatment for neurodivergent kids often results in the issues getting worse. 

Going back to this whole notion that there is something inherently wrong with me, that is a limiting belief that I have been trying to unpack for a good minute. I always knew that this notion came from a lot of the bullying in school as well as the abuse I got from my parents growing up but this whole lens of neurodivergence adds an additional layer of understanding to this limiting belief.  And it got me thinking, exactly how much do I  mask and how much of the way I interact with people is part of a performance for the sake of acceptance?  I know I went through a whole phase on trying to be this social butterfly when I simply wasn't and how I didn't have the best measures for what it means to be socially competent due to misconceptions in society. As a result, I know how to present this very well crafted, confident, funny and charismatic version of myself to the point where it feels very natural for me. And I'm not saying that this version of myself isn't authentic rather sometimes I feel like I tend to cling on to this more socially acceptable version of myself while disowning things that might make me look off in the eyes of a lot of people. I mean, I have been masking for years, it wouldn't be a stretch to say that I'm pretty good at it at this point.

Apparently when it comes to masking, while one of the symptoms of things like autism and ADHD is that you don't always pick up on social cues right away, there is also something counterintuitive on how these individuals can also become more aware about different social dynamics compared to neurotypical people. Basically, a lot of neurodivergent people get the message early on that they awkward and that there is something wrong with them and as a way to cope to get their social needs met, they can become hyper aware of their mannerisms and the mannerisms of others, and then try to mimic the norm to appear like everyone else. Not only that, they can become very socially aware and well educated on social issues because they tend to see these issues in a more big picture way since they are often looking for patterns. And a lot of these skills come from the initial desire to start masking. 

The main issue with masking is that it often causes neurodivergent individuals to exert a lot of extra emotional labor in their day to day functioning and often prevents them from being and accepting their authentic selves. It further reinforces this idea that there is something wrong with them. And again, being neurodivergent by definition doesn't imply that there is something inherently wrong with you rather it simply means that you are a little different in the way your head is wired. It isn't the same as having a mental disorder. Excessive masking can also lead to a lot of self hatred as well and constantly feeling like you need to act in a very specific way to be considered good enough to be worthy of love and connection. That's something that I want to unpack in another post since this post is getting rather long. 

If grasping this is a little difficult, I think it can be helpful in seeing this as it parallels with racism. Often times POC get othered out especially when they are in predominantly white environments. As a result, often times they start code switching and doing different behaviors to look like they are assimilating (similar to how neurodivergent people have to mask to be accepted). There is also a sense of double consciousness where they are aware of their own thoughts and emotions, but they also need to be very aware of the thoughts and emotions of other white people when it come to how they are perceived so that they aren't put into harms way (similar to how neurodivergent people often become very socially aware and observant). Finally, in the worst case scenarios, POC tend to internalize racism and begin hating themselves for not being able to fit in and they assume that there is something inherently wrong with them much like neurodivergent people do when they are excessively masking. In these circumstances, it isn't ok for people to tell POC that they need to be more like white people and you certainly won't advocate for less POC to be born or find a way to "cure" them. Instead, you give them the tools to handle these situations effectively while making moves to educate other people to create more inclusive environments and social structures. The same needs to be done for neurodivergent people. 

Edited December 27, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Autism and Neurodivergence: Unpacking my Ableism- You Can't Have Bad Days 

7 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

The main issue with masking is that it often causes neurodivergent individuals to exert a lot of extra emotional labor in their day to day functioning and often prevents them from being and accepting their authentic selves. It further reinforces this idea that there is something wrong with them. And again, being neurodivergent by definition doesn't imply that there is something inherently wrong with you rather it simply means that you are a little different in the way your head is wired. It isn't the same as having a mental disorder. Excessive masking can also lead to a lot of self hatred as well and constantly feeling like you need to act in a very specific way to be considered good enough to be worthy of love and connection. That's something that I want to unpack in another post since this post is getting rather long. 

I have been noticing lately that my inner voice of self hatred tends to have a lot of messages rooted in ableism. Some common statements that comes to mind when I am spiraling in the middle of the night is how I'm not interesting enough, how there is something inherently wrong with me, how I'm not worthy of love and connection, and how I have to perform a certain aspect of my personality because or else I'm not going to get the acceptance that I desire. If you've read the previous post, you can see how a lot of these sentiments come from the exclusion that neurodivergent people experience. I think something that really impacts me the most is the notion that there is something inherently wrong with me. Because something that is common with neurodivergent people who mask a lot, especially women since there is often more pressure for us to act a certain way to please others, is that even if you mask really well to the point where that performance is convincing, there is always something little that neurotypical people will pick up on and will exclude you based on that. And that can easily spiral into perfectionism and feeling like you can't ever be enough and that there needs to be something about you that needs to be fixed but you don't even know what that part is. 

And the worst part is that neurotypical people will rarely, if ever, will say this out right since neurotypical people tend to try to communicate things with subtext rather than overtly communicating what is wrong. There is also a good chance that they themselves won't be able to exactly pinpoint what's wrong because they aren't being hyper aware of these dynamics since they never had to study them and will write it off as *this person is a little weird* and that's it. They will just treat you differently and expect you to figure out what's wrong when really, by definition there are certain things you can't pick up in the first place as someone who thinks in a different way. 

This is something that my roommate has called me out on where basically I have a lot of internalized ableism in the way that I expect myself to be high performing mentally, emotionally, and socially at all times. And honestly, my college environment and my family doesn't do a good job in helping this either and adds even more pressure to perform. 

When it comes to my college environment, there is a lot of pressure to conform to a very cookie cutter version of upper class whiteness. Even if you are neurotypical, this environment and how conformist it can be is challenging if you don't fit this mold exactly. It's even worse if you are a minority in anyway or if you are neurodivergent. And if you aren't in the circle of Greek life, if you have more unconventional interests, or if you have additional commitments such as another job to support yourself, it can be difficult to integrate socially. That's not to say that it's impossible but it is very likely that you will face more social ostracism. Basically, it takes very little to have the label of "weird" to be slapped on to you. 

Then there is the whole thing on how competitive this school can be. While a lot of the problems academically for me personally has more to do with things like institutionalized racism, I think it also further indirectly reinforces some ableism that I already have internalized. Basically I noticed with how rigorous the work it that if I even have one week where for example I got sick, my mental health took a dip and I need to take more time for myself, or I have something go wrong in my life, that could fuck up my entire semester. Basically either my grades will take a dip or I will get behind on work which then will cause me to be playing catch up for the entire semester. I have learned to cope by always being roughly 2 weeks ahead in each of my classes so that I can have some wiggle room for when things do inevitably come up. But it has caused me to have more pressure on me where I feel like I have little margin of error.

While that is on the academic side, I have also noticed this tendency creep up in my social life as well where I feel like if I'm not on all the time and if I can't maintain these tight rope like standards for myself and consistently show up for people on a super regular basis that I'm not going to have friends. Especially since I'm not active in Greek life and I have unconventional interests, I know that making friends in an environment where I don't have much in common with most of the student body, I have realized early on that making friends is going to be an uphill battle. I have to actively make time for people and stay committed to a variety of time commitments to have some type of circle since odds are I'm not going to immediately click with the people I share classes with or people I run into incidentally. I know that a lot of people talk about college being a time where it's super easy to make friends and how it's really convenient, but personally I haven't had that experience because of my personal circumstances. And even though there are something that aren't in my control (ie pandemics and other personal things that can come up due to my family issues), there is a part of me that is quick to internalize this notion of how there is something inherently wrong with me for not making friends easily as a way to grasp for control in a  situation where I don't have much at all.  And this internalization further feeds into this notion of *you're doing something wrong/ there's something wrong with you* or that *I need to somehow be fixed* or *I have to be on all the time and consistently or else if I'm not performing highly at all time socially that I'm not going to have friends since I'm already dealing with a small margin of error.*

Basically there is a part of me that feels like if I have an off week that I'm basically going to be academically and socially screwed. 

Then there is my family. I have talked in the previous post where my roommate has gotten a lot of support in regulating and understanding their emotions as an autistic person from understanding family members. Well... I basically got the opposite treatment. I got little to no emotional support growing up and I was in a very emotionally negligent home environment. Not only is it difficult for me to be compassionate and more importantly, validating to myself when I do experience difficult emotions,  but I have this limiting belief instilled into me that no one will love me or try to help me if I "act out in undesirable ways." That can range anywhere from expressing my sensitivities to communicating my anger, sadness or fears. Basically my parents only know how to express these emotions in an unhealthy way and because they never had a healthy expression ever modelled to them, even if you express your concerns in a healthy and constructive way, odds are they will start projecting, paint you as being crazy, gaslight you, and tell you that you're being toxic since you aren't happy all the time. This is already problematic regardless of whether you are neurotypical or not but it hits different when you are neurodivergent and you are constantly told how  you need to act in a certain way and can only express certain emotions because or else no one will love or accept you. 

There have been times where I have caught myself tearing up after sharing something about myself or that I have told my roommate that I need the room to myself since I'm having a bad day and I need some time to myself to calm down a little. Afterwards, I have caught myself immediately apologizing for taking my emotions out on them. And there have been numerous times where my roommate had to reassure me by telling me that I'm not asking for too much, that expressing my  negative emotions doesn't automatically mean I'm taking them out in an unhealthy way, that I'm communicating in a healthy way, and that I'm allowed to have bad days and if anything, expecting myself to be high performing all the time mentally, emotionally, and socially isn't realistic. Not only is it not realistic, but not everyone is harsh in the same way and a lot of people are willing to be understanding even if the experiences I've had in this school and with my parents say otherwise. And honestly, this is still something that I'm working on but it really helps when someone else reinforces these positive messages by keeping you accountable when it comes to unrealistic standards you might hold yourself to. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Some Videos I Really Like

[soos_mite_ah]

I SHOULD'VE BEEN A WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes my mind goes to this really weird place where I start wishing I was more chaotic and exciting. Like idk, I feel like there are like 2 main types of highly neurotic people with fucked up childhoods. The first is the one who is very outwardly chaotic. I'm talking constant partier (to numb their issues), probably has a lot of casual sex/ situationships/ serial monogamy even though it's not coming from a healthy place (i.e. hyper sexuality, searching for validation, attachment issues etc), has other toxic/ chaotic friends, does drugs occasionally, etc. and is generally the crazy friend with interesting stories. The second is the one who is very internally chaotic. I'm referring to the people who are procrastinating on their work by being online, staying in bed all day, doesn't really have a lot of friends, pretty to themselves, and just doesn't have that much going on in their day to day life as far as excitement and drama goes since they simply don't have the energy to do much other than what is required to sustain themselves. 

I would say that I'm very much the later. I think it's great that I have good habits like working out, eating healthy, doing all of my work on time, not using substances to cope, being self aware in dating/romantic/sexual scenarios, and just generally maintaining my responsibilities. But at the same time there is this weird part of me that wishes I was the former, outwardly chaotic person. Because it's like, I'm here being the goody goody, straight laced one trying to deal with all of my issues responsibly in therapy when I could literally go on a fucking rampage. And I think this is something that I need to unpack. 

I guess it's because on the surface, going on a rampage and doing crazy shit looks like fun. Like you're definitely going to get some interesting ass stories to say the least. This is going to be a really weird way of putting it but I feel like being outwardly chaotic has this type of main character energy because lets be real, it's always the main character that be doing the stupidest shit and making the worst possible decision every time while having a tragic backstory because it gives the writers something to work with. And at the same time, people who are internally chaotic, they often fade to the background because odds are that they aren't as engaged with life to where there is an interesting plot line with twists and turns.  

And I know that a lot of these crazy behaviors look like fun on the surface but going on a rampage rarely leads anywhere good. Like a lot of these exciting things that outwardly crazy people are doing aren't making them happier (if anything it's the opposite). And then whenever I try to engage in similar behaviors, I guess my risk aversion kicks in to where I just can't do crazy shit. I don't really know how else to put it but it feels energetically incompatible???? I wrote a little bit about this in a previous post, albeit jokingly, but I feel like it articulates things pretty well. 

On 10/24/2021 at 2:17 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

And I guess it feels even more alien to me because none of my friends are like that. Guess birds of the same feather do flock together lol. Like, it isn't even intentional but I always find myself in circles of a bunch of girls who usually do their work, nap, do face masks, and maybe binge on Netflix or anime during the weekend. We all have a couple of random acquaintances or encounters who are at the heart of the crazy stories (while we are the bystanders) but that's really about it. Honestly, now that I think about it, none of us really even smokes or drinks. It isn't like we have a problem with it or that we shame people, hell some of us might have a drink every now and then, but it's just not a part of our regular life style. 

.........

Also in times like this, I sometimes wonder if this is how the law of attraction works. Not to be that person and I know that you can get into some pretty fucked up situations by not doing anything, but is this what it means to not be a vibrational match to a person or situation? Because again, it's not like I have to actively avoid people or situations like this. I'm just never in these situations and I never really click with people who are. 

Also it's like, if I'm going to be depressed, anxious, and angsty, at least give me the chaotic energy for me to do something with it. Like, let me be an exciting chaotic person instead of a boring one. Being boring and chaotic isn't fun. I know being crazy and chaotic comes with a shit ton of stress that doubles down on the chaos but at least it looks interesting. Even typing that out felt a little weird because I know romanticizing chaos isn't a good look.

There is also this tiktok that I watched a while back where the caption was along the lines of "when you study hard and decided to be the good kid growing up instead of being the one who have blow jobs under the bleachers but you're still broke and miserable" and the audio was I SHOULD'VE BEEN A WHORE.  And no, I don't literally want to be the kid who gave blow jobs under the bleachers in high school because I was asexual back then and asexual me wouldn't not have enjoyed that. But I guess it speaks as a metaphor of this feeling of putting in effort doing everything right and still not being where you want to be and you're just as miserable as everyone else. Because introspecting and working through your issues is really hard work that a lot of people aren't self aware enough to do and because the work is internal, often times you don't get that recognition or opportunity to flex. But at the same time, when you do put in all of this work and you're still as broke and miserable as the outwardly chaotic people (on the surface at least), it can sometimes feel like *so what's the point of me putting in all of this work on myself.*

And this is where a lot of my impatience kicks in. I wrote about this in a previous post: 

On 11/18/2021 at 0:13 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

I'm currently in a place in my self help journey where I'm growing impatient. While I have been doing a good job at sticking to long term goals, for one reason or another (usually from things outside of my control), I haven't been getting my tangible rewards. That's not to say that I'm not growing as a person, I most definitely am, much more than what I anticipated if anything. But the fruits of self development aren't always things you can take a picture of and brag about with your friends like you would with say getting to your ideal body, being accepted into you dream school or program, building a fulfilling career, or finding a person or groups of people you really resonate with. I remember being incredibly depressed at 16 and committing to myself to spend the following year getting my life together. That meant dealing with my anxiety, depression, and ADHD, being on track to going to the school of my choice, maintaining my solid group of friends, and healing from the trauma my family caused me. I thought I could get all of this done within a year or two but here I am five years later. I have covered a lot of ground and I have gone further than I could have imagined, but I didn't anticipate the journey to be this long. And I don't  know how much longer until I do get to that destination. I feel like that kid who is on a road trip whining to their parents "are we there yet??" even though they know damn well they aren't anywhere near. 

I have talked about similar themes in this post with my therapist before. We were talking about lacking certain life experiences and I was explaining how that made me feel emotionally stunted in some ways in comparison to some of my peers because I felt like I wasn't doing enough and my therapist said this. "Even if you life isn't as exciting as some people and even if it doesn't exactly measure up to this narrative of having fun when you're young and living it up, you're putting in a lot of work in yourself at a young age and while it doesn't seem fun and exciting now and you feel like you aren't doing much, you're going to really look back and thank yourself." I think this and the whole impatience piece has to do with the whole instant gratification thing where it's going to be a minute until my good habits and my stable, consistent, and sometimes boring life will catch up to me in a positive way even if I'm still rather neurotic right now.

And now that I think about this more, finally I think there is this part of me that felt as if I have the room to be young, crazy and stupid. I have written this in other posts: 

On 10/24/2021 at 2:17 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

So I'm going to a party school where a lot of the students have a shit ton of money to blow and get fucked up on the weekends. I'm not part of this crowd because I simply don't have the funds or the safety net to be acting out in this way and mainly because it simply isn't my crowd since I don't have much to relate to them on.

On 9/27/2021 at 0:34 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Quote

One of the reasons why I find myself drawn to her is summarized by this one tweet I found a long ass time ago on brown twitter which was along the lines of "Lana Del Rey makes me feel like the reckless, rebellious white girl with a trust fund that I never was." I can't really relate to her music which is why I like it strangely enough. It's like I'm embracing this part of myself that I don't get the opportunity to otherwise. 

This goes along with letting yourself explore unhealthy fantasizes without acting on them but this dynamic gives me this sense of safety of *hey it's ok to be a little fucked up in the process of getting your life together.* Because I feel like especially as an Asian woman who doesn't have the same margin of error that a rich white woman would, its easy to be critical of yourself and disown the messier parts of yourself (there is also the whole model minority things as well so that doesn't help). I don't have the time, the energy, or the lee way of doing dumb shit like a lot of Lana's characters in her music do. But you know what, that's ok because there are enough bad decisions and terrible circumstances that are talked about in her music that makes up for the both of us lol. 

I also found a tiktok a couple months ago which was along the lines of "I'm into Lana del rey, not in a daddy issues, old hollywood way but in a *I'm the eldest daughter of immigrant parents who wishes they had the free spiritedness of the American psyche and who would be seen through the lens of the delicateness that white femininity is often seen through.* And I felt personally attacked to say the least.  I think another facet of the *I SHOULD'VE BEEN A WHORE* feeling has to do with feeling like I don't have the margin of error to be young, crazy, stupid, and reckless. And not to be dramatic but sometimes I feel like the responsibility that was put on me as well as the responsibility I took on to sort out my shit early on has taken my youth in a certain way.  I'm going to unpack that in a little bit in another post since I feel like this is getting a little long. 

[soos_mite_ah]

A Brief Life Update 

Sooooo...  I haven't been on here nor have I been writing lately. I don't have a particular reason or plan to take a break but it just kind of happened. Maybe it's the laziness. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed with other things. Maybe I just didn't feel like writing. Regardless,  I think it was a much needed break. 

In the mean time I have been doing the following: 

Stressing over a job interview: I've been interviewing for an internship and I had a couple of meetings with my professor and the team I'm supposed to be working with. I had those meetings prior to Christmas and I had my interview on the 5th. It went well but at the same time since I haven't really heard back from them.... I'm getting nervous. I have people telling me to just be patient and that this will come through but I really don't like being in suspense like this. I'm probably going to send a follow up email tomorrow since by then it would have been a week since the interview. But yeah... I've been in this state of anxiety for the past couple days. 

Got my COVID booster shot: I got this on Friday and right after getting the shot, I felt this wave of exhaustion come over me and I got a mild headache. I fell asleep at 2pm that afternoon and then woke up at 9 the next day. I had plans on that Saturday to meet up with a couple of my friends and thank god I did because I'm pretty sure that staying in bed all day wouldn't help much. I felt a little sore, not so much to where it was painful but it just felt as if I did a workout the day before. Then, out of nowhere I got another wave of exhaustion so I dipped yearly. I got home at 6pm and then fell asleep again. I woke up at 1pm on Sunday and for the last couple days I've been trying to get my sleep schedule back on track. I felt tired and sore on Sunday but I wasn't exhausted nor did I have a headache. By the time Monday rolled around I was perfectly fine. 

Getting angry about COVID: I feel like everyone around me is getting the new variant and while it isn't as deadly, there are still long term effects of COVID. There's also the whole shortening the number of quarantining days as well. I think it's safe to say that everyone is over the pandemic and while that is understandable, COVID don't care if you're over it. It's still spreading all of the goddamn place and schools are getting shut down again because people aren't doing what they are supposed to fucking do.  My school hasn't moved online but I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I'm wary of how things are going to go down. But on the other hand, my school has been handling COVID well and I definitely don't want to stay home for another fucking semester since my parent's are driving me insane. 

Mourning the relationship with my parents: I don't remember exactly how much I have written about this but it is something that I have been dealing with since late November. I have made the decision that when I become financially independent that I will be cutting contact with my family. This isn't an easy decision and there is a lot of emotions that I have been sorting through in the process of dealing with this. I still don't know how exactly I'm going to approach this or what I'm going to say but I have about a year to figure that out. 

I started working out (sort of): So upon coming back home during winter break, I realized that I essentially felt like a blob of a person. I know this isn't much of a work out but I have been doing the Chloe Ting 2 week challenges and I have completed 2 of them. I don't think it's doing anything as far as weight and body composition goes for me but then again it's only been like a month since I started. I do see an improvement in my form while doing the exercises and I find myself having more energy and I don't feel like a blob of a person anymore so I'll take that. I know this isn't much but I think it's a step in the right direction and I feel good doing this. 

I've met up with my friends a few times: I feel like this was essential for me because not only do I need to get out of my household, I think just interacting with another person just makes me feel like more of an actual person. I find myself checking tf out a lot of the time when I am at home and it's rather draining. And just in general it gives me something to do during the week, something to look forward to, and it's been helpful to deepen some of the relationships I have established in this last few months. I also think that talking to people outside of this forum and just limiting the amount of time I spend on here and instead talking to people in my circle had been more helpful in me growing as a person. 

I've been dealing with my anxious tendencies in relationships: I'm honestly going to make a whole nother post on this. 

I reconnected with an old friend (sort of): I sent her a short message saying that I want to reconnect and meet up. She responded positively but turns out she caught COVID so it might be a few weeks (since she's trying to be careful). I hope she's feeling better soon and I have said my piece so at this point the ball is in her court and it's up to her to reach out when she's feeling better. 

I finished my application for studying abroad in Japan: Don't have much to expand on other than I hope this goes through this time. 

[soos_mite_ah]

How This Forum Influences My View on Men

I think this brief step back helped me gain some perspective on how this forum is probably affecting me in the long term. I think to get a better idea it would be a good idea to avoid looking at my notifications and any other threads other than the ones in the journaling section. Because the men on here really aint shit and it's been fucking me up mentally slowly but surely. 

So for the last month  or so I've been around my friend's younger brother and his group of friends as well as some of the guy friends my friends are around as well as one of my friend's significant other. And while I'm not really close to any of these guys, they were just refreshing to be around because they weren't raging republicans, they weren't *Nice Guys*, they weren't wannabe pick up artists, and they weren't weird ass red pillers. They were just normies with a good amount of self awareness. And honestly, I feel like normies with self awareness have more awareness than the average guy on this forum. You don't have to be completely engulfed into spirituality and self improvement to be able to reflect and work on yourself. I know that sounds super obvious but I feel like I have to say it anyway since a lot of the guys on this forum have a tendency to be like *all normies are super unconscious and stupid* while puffing themselves up because they have built up a spiritual ego an god complex. I'm sorry if you made some changes in your life and you no longer resonate with some people in your life but that doesn't mean you go along generalizing the rest of humanity. Sometimes all it takes is a simple change of social circle and it doesn't even have to mean you have to go off into a hippie commune either. 

As for the Nice Guys, PUAs, and red pillers (I'm going to label this group as the ick because I don't want to keep typing this out), I feel like I have a really distorted perception of how many are there out in the real world. Because when I get on this forum, it feels like ick is everywhere. When I get out in the real world, particularly in my specific social circle, the ick is barely there.  I know this forum tend to attract a lot of men with a variety of issues and a lot of PUA types because of Leo. I also know that my specific social circle tends to be pretty progressive and female centric so even when they are guys coming into our circle, I feel like there is a metaphorical fire wall of sorts that are just put up.

Now, what are the implications of this? I do think that there are women in my social circle who have a more naive view of what kind of men are actually out there. They aren't so naive to where they don't know they should be careful or the prevalence of the dangerous situations women can get themselves into, but it's also not like they know the depths of the ick simply because they refuse to be around that type of thing (and rightfully so). Then there are guys on this forum. I feel like there are some guys on this forum who are so consumed with the Chad's, either because they hate Chad because they have the nice guy complex or because they want to be the Chad (and honestly, what even is a Chad? I don't think I have come across them at all. They just seem like a really limited archetype that no person actually completely fits. It reminds me of the whole NLOG thing when you compare yourself against the idea of other girls that doesn't actually exist). Sometimes I look at these threads and I'm just like *you know there are perfectly normal guys out there who aren't these alpha chads who have perfectly normal, fulfilling, happy lives with friends, and a significant other every now and then.* Like, you don't have to have these over the top lives with a million dollars, a 10 for a girlfriend, and that you don't have to be an emotionally distant asshole to women to have sex.... Y'all just reek emotional damage and bitterness and y'all need to get that sorted out with a professional instead of studying what a sigma male is on the internet. 

And speaking of the 1-10 rating system, again, I always knew it was bs but I feel like by constantly being on this website, it's been fucking with my body image as well as my ability to put myself out there because this website is just a cesspool of body insecurity without any amount of self awareness at times. Like I know so many beautiful "average" looking people who don't have issues with dating or relationships (casual or otherwise) but I feel like with the way that this forum tends to cling on to the 1-10 scale, it will have people believing that they are hopeless unless they look like the textbook definition of conventionally attractive. Sure these people aren't constantly in relationships and hooking up but honestly I think it's a good thing because they are comfortable being on their own and they are willing to trust their timing of their own lives instead of feeling the need to force a situation by approaching a 1000 different people. 

Then finally, the thing that is probably actually causing me trauma is how sleezy and weird the guys with the ick are. I feel like since coming here I have become more paranoid with guys but also in a way it feels like their behavior is normalized. I don't know how to best explain it but it's like there is a part of me that feels like if I were to go to a guy's house that I recently started dating, I would get paranoid of him getting pushy about getting physical and that I should accept this as normal because that's just how guys are and that I should've known better than to go back to his place because what else could that have possibly meant? There is no relationship without sex right? SMH. 

To be fair, I do think part of this does have to do with my own life experiences but at the same time, I have only a couple of weird experiences with guys being too pushy with me, none of which resulted in full on assault thank god. But I think a lot of it is coming from this forum because I haven't been this cynical or paranoid around guys before I joined this place. I feel like I'm surrounded by a lot of pushy, shady guys on here and as a result because of how I've been shut in because of the pandemic, there is a part of me that feels like I'm surrounded by the same kind of guys on the regular as well. Basically, the relationship advice on here is often trash and the average person who hasn't been exposed to this type of ideology has better perspective on relationships and how to go about creating them and building them. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Zyzz 

Ok so since I started doing my little work out videos to keep myself sane so I don't feel like a blob of a person, the YouTube algorithm decided to introduce me to Zyzz. 

TLDR: Zyzz was a fitness influencer back in the early 2000s before influencers were really a thing. Apparently he really changed up the way that fitness bros interact with one another in the gym because of the way that he went from being this skinny guy to being buff. Along the way he stood up for skinny guys in body building forums and other fitness circles so that it's less intimidating for beginners. I don't say apparently to undermine what he did or to be skeptical/ critical rather I don't know about the extent to which things have changed since I haven't been in the fitness circles of the early 2000s. Unfortunately, this guy died at 22 from a heart attack but he still has a legacy that lives on in body building circles and his brother is also continuing on the whole body building thing. 

So the reason why I wanted to write about this guy is because I caught myself falling into a rabbit hole of sorts because how could he be so huge but I have literally never heard of him. Also, there is this morbid curiosity I have with I guess old internet culture. I really don't want to call it that because what I'm referring to as "old internet culture" is really the internet between 2006-2012 and while 10 years isn't a crazy long time irl, it's practically ancient in internet terms. I wasn't really on the internet like that during that time because I was a literal child. But when I was on the internet, odds are I was doing one of the following: Watching asdf movie for the thousandth time or searching up nyan cat to annoy my friends, playing random little games, reading rage comics on iFunny, or reading fanfiction and looking at fan art of my favorite shows and books on Deviantart. I wasn't super immersed into internet culture so there is only so much that I can say about that time period on the internet other than me getting nostalgic over random bits of my childhood.

I don't remember a lot of the trolling culture from that time and what was considered acceptable and normal or even funny and entertaining. But I do remember that we have come a long way from back then in terms of being inclusive and calling people out on the internet for being a fucking asshole. Like I'm pretty sure that if "How to be Emo" was made today that NigaHiga would be called out for perpetuating negative stereotypes about those who struggle with depression and he would have been cancelled in a heart beat.  

I know what I have written about so far might seem like a huge tangent from talking about Zyzz as a fitness influencer but one of the things that drew my curiosity towards him is the way that he would constantly troll people on the internet. One of the guys in his little group decided to call himself "Chestbruh"  and honestly I find myself laughing while having a cringe attack because what the actual fuck. Honestly, what was the internet back in 2007??  Any way, jokes aside, I found a lot of Zyzz's trolling to be pretty jarring and off putting. Like, I don't get how people found this shit funny or entertaining at one point. It's just cringe. But then again, back then there were people who thought yelling out the f-slur and pointing to random shit saying "that's gay" was the height of comedy so there's that. 

Zyzz just seems like an unhinged gym bro going on a rampage with no one to check him. I'm not exactly a fan or advocate of cancel culture, but to a certain extent I do think that a certain degree of social pressure, both in the forms of peers as well as the possibility of future employers checking on your shit, has given some amount of accountability to people on the internet that forces them to be mindful of things. Is it the best way to ensure that people are mindful and civil on the internet? Fuck no! But I do know that if Zyzz tried to pull some of the shit that he did back in the day now, there would be an endless amount of people making jokes about alpha male content and basically he would be turned into a meme where rather than having people laugh with him, he will have people laugh at him. That, and I'm pretty sure that people would have gotten sick of this guy really quickly because of how obnoxious he is and he will be featured in every gym bro cringe compilation. 

Then there is how old he was when he died. He died at 22 and I feel like in a way, his character is kind of frozen in time in the sense that the world never got to see what he would've become in the years to come. I do think it's pretty tragic because this guy was pretty successful and was an influencer before influencers were a thing so in that way he was ahead of his time. And because I'm at the same age, it does make me think of my own mortality just a smidge. There is a part of me that can't help but wonder what it would be like if I encountered a 22 year old Zyzz in the wild and how that interaction would go down. He is an interesting character, and I say that in the sense that his personality is like a science experiment gone wrong. Like, he is so obnoxious and just has the worst stench of insecurity that I haven't seen in a long time. He vaguely reminds me of the annoying guys that picked on me from middle school to early high school with but then didn't encounter once I became an adult. Granted the fame fucked with his head and he has a lot of unresolved issues that he constantly projected out to others but even then he is so stunted emotionally. It's like the guy was living his villain origin story. He seems like an actual menace to be around and I feel like a lot of those interactions out weighs a lot of the little defenses he made towards skinny guys in terms of evaluating his character. 

Moral of the story: Don't do hard drugs or steroids. Especially when your frontal lobe isn't done forming. 

[somegirl]

4 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

. I don't know how to best explain it but it's like there is a part of me that feels like if I were to go to a guy's house that I recently started dating, I would get paranoid of him getting pushy about getting physical and that I should accept this as normal because that's just how guys are and that I should've known better than to go back to his place because what else could that have possibly meant? There is no relationship without sex right? SMH. 

I think I can understand you. I have noticed quite a few people saying similar things regarding guys of this site.

Tbh, I have not seen too many guys like this because I don't often read most of the threads lol. And thank god because of that I don't have much negative experience. 

But, here and there I would occasionally come across some quite surprising threads and seeing some of the comments below one particular thread I forgot the name of, did provoke a reaction in me. I specifically remember that notion of "there's no relationship without sex" and it didn't resonate well with me, to say the least. Or "girls only go out in clubs to have sex".

I can suggest you drop whatever narrative does not resonate with you. Just fuck it. If they think relationship doesn't begin unless you sleep with them (an example), let them think that way, it's their life. You do what you feel most comfortable doing. Period. Period! No amount of shaming is gonna make me do something I don't wanna freaking do. I don't freaking care about the rules. We are humans first and foremost. If it's in a guy, biologically, to protect their girl and offsprings, they should know what would make us feel protected and comfortable. That should be their number one priority as a guy. And I'm sure the right guy is not going to do anything that would make you uncomfortable because the right one will be attuned with your emotions. A person (emotionally and socially developed one) can see when they are making someone uncomfortable. And they stop. They are not pushy. They see a human in you, not just someone they wanna sleep with.

That's all I wanted to say, it's a bit of a rant, but it's because I understand how you felt about being paranoid because "oh well we should just accept that guys are the way they are". I don't buy that. 

 

[somegirl]

On 12/15/2021 at 2:33 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Experience

I also feel like I missed out on a lot of fun experiences that could have made grow as an individual in a healthy way. I also feel like I need to get somethings out of my system so I can deal with my FOMO and salvage some amount of my college experience in the next year or so before I graduate. I think a lot of my issues with confidence and desirability can be resolved through positive life experiences.

And well, I also resonate with this. I also feel the FOMO thing. I have been thinking about this recently. It's just that I feel we are missing out on a lot of things because of this current global situation. And also, lack of money and therefore a lack of adventurous experiences is also something that bothers me. It's like, when are you gonna explore but now? I might write a post about it. Just because I don't have a solution to this...

Though I have recently joined a few social groups where I exposed myself to meeting new people. So... Maybe you can try it if you think it's gonna help you.

Edited January 12, 2022 by somegirl

[soos_mite_ah]

4 hours ago, somegirl said:

And also, lack of money and therefore a lack of adventurous experiences is also something that bothers me. It's like, when are you gonna explore but now? I might write a post about it. Just because I don't have a solution to this...

I'll be looking forward to that post. Make sure you tag me  

4 hours ago, somegirl said:

Though I have recently joined a few social groups where I exposed myself to meeting new people. So... Maybe you can try it if you think it's gonna help you.

I second this. That has actually helped a lot and just making plans with a couple people in general even if it's as simple as talking to someone in a coffee shop and that's it. 

4 hours ago, somegirl said:

Tbh, I have not seen too many guys like this because I don't often read most of the threads lol. And thank god because of that I don't have much negative experience. 

But, here and there I would occasionally come across some quite surprising threads and seeing some of the comments below one particular thread I forgot the name of, did provoke a reaction in me. I specifically remember that notion of "there's no relationship without sex" and it didn't resonate well with me, to say the least. Or "girls only go out in clubs to have sex".

I'm pretty sure the reason why we don't encounter these kinds of men as much irl is because they aren't the ones who are actually socializing with girls by being in their social circle. I mean if you don't like women, why would you want to hang out with them unless you were trying to get your needs met . And just in general from my personal experience, guys who are usually around other women a lot, especially if their main friend group consist of other women, they are much less likely to spew a lot of the bs threads you see on here because they are actually around women in a neutral setting where they see them as actual people rather than a potential romantic or sexual encounter. 

5 hours ago, somegirl said:

I can suggest you drop whatever narrative does not resonate with you. Just fuck it. If they think relationship doesn't begin unless you sleep with them (an example), let them think that way, it's their life. You do what you feel most comfortable doing. Period. Period! No amount of shaming is gonna make me do something I don't wanna freaking do. I don't freaking care about the rules. We are humans first and foremost. If it's in a guy, biologically, to protect their girl and offsprings, they should know what would make us feel protected and comfortable. That should be their number one priority as a guy. And I'm sure the right guy is not going to do anything that would make you uncomfortable because the right one will be attuned with your emotions. A person (emotionally and socially developed one) can see when they are making someone uncomfortable. And they stop. They are not pushy. They see a human in you, not just someone they wanna sleep with.

That's all I wanted to say, it's a bit of a rant, but it's because I understand how you felt about being paranoid because "oh well we should just accept that guys are the way they are". I don't buy that. 

Oh 100%. I find it really weird on how like formulaic a lot of these interactions and dynamics these guys are. It just feels like they are plotting and strategizing instead of actually being present in the situation and getting to know the other person. 

I guess for me personally, I have tried to make it a point to have boundaries with my self and that section of the forum from using the ignore function for some users who have recurring problematic exchanges and by avoiding that section all together in a lot of the cases. I honestly think I'm at a point where I need to go completely cold turkey because this was starting to be one of those *death by a thousand paper cuts* types of situations where it slowly erodes you. Like of course, consciously I know better, but the repeated exposure is subconsciously picking at minor insecurities which then would create larger problems.  

[somegirl]

10 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I'll be looking forward to that post. Make sure you tag me  

Will do

10 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I'm pretty sure the reason why we don't encounter these kinds of men as much irl is because they aren't the ones who are actually socializing with girls by being in their social circle. I mean if you don't like women, why would you want to hang out with them unless you were trying to get your needs met . And just in general from my personal experience, guys who are usually around other women a lot, especially if their main friend group consist of other women, they are much less likely to spew a lot of the bs threads you see on here because they are actually around women in a neutral setting where they see them as actual people rather than a potential romantic or sexual encounter. 

Good observation, it makes sense. Yeah, I imagine they don't theorize as much and definitely do not generalize. They just see what's in front of them - a human with emotions and needs just like the rest of us lol.

10 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

It just feels like they are plotting and strategizing instead of actually being present in the situation and getting to know the other person. 

I imagine things being this way when someone has absolutely no experience with talking to other gender so much growing up. And then once they do, it's like they're talking to an alien. I think some guys forget that females are also humans like them and they don't get upset out of the blue "because that's how these weird spieces called girls behave" but because of logical reasons lol. 

 

Edited January 12, 2022 by somegirl

[soos_mite_ah]

Healing Your Inner Child 

Lately I've been on TikTok and as usual I have a bunch of posts showing up about healing your inner child. While that isn't anything new, there is a trend that is coming up in the spiritual/trauma healing/ self development side of TikTok that has to do with how part of healing your inner child also includes healing your inner teenager. It's pretty much under the same premise of integration but has a different flavor. 

While I can't really speak on what the experience is like for everyone, I can speak on my own experience that I am having with healing my inner child and healing my inner teenager. For me, healing my inner child mainly comprised of emotionally opening up to myself and others, dismantling a lot of internalized misogyny I had, being gentle with myself, and making sure I'm physically taking care of my needs. A lot of it also has to deal with healing from emotional neglect and unavailability which involved me learning to ask for help and actually letting myself feel my emotions rather than intellectualizing them. 

And even though I had a lot of that taken care of over the last couple of years, I guess there was a part of me that I felt that I didn't get to and I didn't know exactly how to articulate it either. And that's where this TikTok trend comes in. A lot of the people who were making videos with the whole healing your inner teenager were talking about a variety of things ranging from how their inner teenager wants to fight people to how dressing the way their 14 year old self wanted to dress is mentally satisfying. Other common themes involved setting boundaries with yourself, reconnecting with old hobbies and interests, and learning to not only stand up for yourself but stand up for your full potential instead of stagnating.

I decided to take a moment to reflect on a lot of these themes as well as revisit some things that I really resonated with at the time in the form of old playlists.  I also revisited a couple of posts I made in the past where I was reflecting on my teenage years. 

I will admit that initially reflecting on *how to heal my inner teenager* felt really fucking strange considering I was a teenager less than 3 years ago and much of the time from when I turned 20 to now was just the pandemic where I didn't do much other than go insane from living with my parents. So, as a result, there is this huge part of me that realizes that there is only so much healing I can do with my inner teenager since I don't feel like I have sufficient distance from her as far as time goes. 

But nevertheless, there are somethings that I can work on and there are something that I already find myself working on and just makes much more sense right now.  For instance, I remember a lot of times in the first part of 2021 that I would find myself spiraling because I hit such a low point to where I couldn't help but think about how if 16 year old me saw me like this now that she'd fucking lose it. And a lot of my frustrations with FOMO and the way that the pandemic has shaped my experiences and my mindset for the last couple years makes more sense when I look at it through the lens of an unhealed inner teenager. Because a lot of that self deprecating inner dialog does come from a place of my teenage self having all of these hopes and expectations for the future and who I thought I could become and then them simply not coming true because there was no way that I could've had foresight into a fucking pandemic.  And a lot of that self deprecating dialog also comes from a place of feeling like I needed to have my life together and be competent because of late stage capitalism and the school system that my 16 year old self fully bought into because she didn't know what adulthood held and didn't yet begin to look at issues more systemically because of a lack of education. 

I've also had somethings pick at some old wounds that I had as well recently. I tried to reach out to some old friends recently and I remember after trying to reach out that there was this sense of dread that washed over me because I was reminded of old relationship dynamics I was a part of. For the last month or so I found myself revisiting attachment issues that I thought I have handled but turns out I still had some shit left to deal with (will write about this in another post). And some of the emotions I found resurfacing in the process of doing that make a whole lot more sense when I think of it from the point of view of my teenage self wanting social acceptance and not knowing how to deal with the situation at hand rather than thinking of the situation from the current point of view I have now after years in therapy. It's kind of similar to how really petty things probably hurt us a lot when we were kids, like for example you being the last one to get picked during gym class, but in retrospect as an adult it doesn't seem like a big deal but you also have no idea why there is a part of you that gets so emotional thinking of that situation. That's because while adult you has the way to cope with this situation, your inner child is still in pain because back then, that kid didn't know better on how to deal with this situation therefore the situation on some level feels unsolved. Yes, 22 year old soos_mite_ah knows how to deal with that situation now but her inner 16 year old is still in pain because she didn't have the same kinds of tools and insights as she does now. 

Finally, there is this piece of righteous anger that I had as a teenager. While I was a pretty good kid and didn't have issues with rules and boundaries, I did (and still do) have a lot of pent up anger. I remember a couple months when I was looking at my old writing that I was pleasantly surprised on how much of it made sense and wasn't completely cringe. I had perfectly valid reasons to be angry and frustrated and it wouldn't be right to write all of that off as angst and cringe. Like I said before, a common theme in this TikTok trend is on how a lot of people's inner teenager want to fight, get vengeance, and burn everything to the ground. I think for me going forward, this is basically a sign that I need to pay attention to my anger more and validate it more often. 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 1/11/2022 at 2:17 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

How This Forum Influences My View on Men

I think this brief step back helped me gain some perspective on how this forum is probably affecting me in the long term. I think to get a better idea it would be a good idea to avoid looking at my notifications and any other threads other than the ones in the journaling section. Because the men on here really aint shit and it's been fucking me up mentally slowly but surely. 

I edited my notifications setting and I went from having about 40-60 notifications daily to almost none. I'm not complaining and honestly I think it's for the better but I will say that it feels a little weird to check on this site as I normally do and not see anything happening. It just throws me off a little bit lol. But I do feel my mind being clearer that's for sure.