Psychoanalyzing Myself

[MuadDib]

16 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I am empathetic, well thought out, disciplined, able to stick to projects long term, good at weighing risks, skilled at analyzing systems and cultures, and a strong writer. I’m independent, resourceful, patient, self-aware, good with people, and good at dealing with different perspectives. These are all things that would be beneficial to a work environment. But I can’t talk about these things? Why? Because I didn’t get these skills and strengths from challenges in an internship or work experience. I developed these qualities from being in an emotionally abusive household and healing from generational trauma. I developed these qualities by coming from an underserved community and being forced to adapt to a predominantly white university where most of the student body is more well prepared than I ever had the chance to be. I developed these qualities by dealing with my own physical and mental health crisis during a pandemic where I was forced to go back to a difficult home environment. Grappling with these challenges is where much of my time went towards during my time in college. How the hell am I supposed to talk about any of these experiences in a job interview without seeming like a victim and without seeming like a hysterical brown woman.

I wasn’t able to be an RA, a TA, a researcher, or a leader in student organizations. I wasn’t able to study abroad nor did I secure a part time internship for more than a summer. Hell I wasn’t even able to make a solid group of friends because much of my time went towards taking care of myself and keeping my mediocre GPA together. And while these things might seem like high expectations, I often feel like it’s the bare minimum of what I must do to even secure a decent paying job that will give me things like health care and decent vacation time. And because I fell short of this because of the circumstances in my life, I’m afraid that it’s going to set me up for a lot of struggles for the early parts of my career.

I have the skills and abilities. I just don’t think I can say much about them because they aren’t on paper.

And this hurts me so much because my greatest accomplishments are things in my personal life rather than anything remotely professional. I feel like all this work that I put in myself, though I have gotten a lot from it from a better quality of life to a personal sense of fulfillment, this work isn’t exactly something that I can show off externally. And because of that, all of this emotional labor goes unrecognized and unappreciated. On the surface, on paper, I look like I didn’t do much with my college career. But I know that what I did was the best options for me and that it’s laying a foundation for a much better quality of life emotionally and spiritually for me and anyone who comes after me.

I did the same, I suffered the same fears and doubts and I can happily tell you that your work hasn't been done in vain. "Soft skills", like the ones you are working on now are some of the most important in a professional environment because professional environments are filled with ... PEOPLE.

Anyone with experience managing or leading people will quickly recognize you have them because being a leader/manager requires them. Increases in pay grade usually boils down to increases emotional labour, rather than industry-specific skill (although they are still important). You can also do a few things to pad your resume and make your prospective employers take notice without having to go down the standard route of getting internships, experience etc.

For example, getting 'soft certificates' from places like Udemy, Coursera, Skillshare, Udacity, Lynda, Masterclass, Pluralsight, Codecademy etc. instantly makes you stand out because it shows initiative, self-direction, enthusiasm and the like, even though they aren't formal qualifications. Many of these things are cheap and don't take too much time to knock over.

Also don't stress about falling behind too much. Obviously, you don't want to become a dropout but in reading the quality and consistency of your posts I can safely say that's unlikely to happen. Just keep rocking the INTJ lifestyle girl, you'll be fine.

 

“Jack of all trades, master of none,” the saying goes. But it is culturally telling that we have chopped off the ending: “… but oftentimes better than master of one.”

 

 

 

I also would recommend the book Algorithms to live by and paying attention to the 'explore/exploit' tradeoff chapter. Basically, when you are young it is strategically better for you to be fucking up and developing breadth and then settling into yourself as you age. Sure, it's probably a bit trickier as a woman and I can't give you advice about that, I'm not sure if you want a family and kids and a career (sorry if you've written about this and I just haven't read it.) Also, I don't think anyone ever truly 'gets there' if you know what I mean. Your problems simply change and what you stress about changes, embrace the stress because it's not going anywhere. You already have plans and options and strategic routes to take, it's a little scary when you haven't really stepped out on your own yet but you'll quickly find your feet and develop your confidence I'm sure.

I hope this makes you feel a little bit better anyway. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Terrible Boomer Career Advice 

Here are some terrible pieces of advice that my dad, a boomer who hasn't applied to a job since the 90s and has been self employed for 20+ years, gave me that I think might be contributing to my imposter syndrome. Some of it isn't even due to him being a boomer rather it's probably him saying things to the extreme because he's reflecting his personal problems: 

• Never advocate for yourself. Bend over backwards for your employers. If you don't do these things, you won't ever rise up the ranks and you may get fired. Don't have any boundaries at this age because your only priority should be work since you aren't married with kids yet. Shut up, do as you're told, and do everything ahead of time because if you don't deliver results as quickly as possible you will be fired. 
• Go apply to jobs door to door to show people you're a serious applicant. Never apply to jobs online. Also, follow up with people by calling them over and over. 
• You better stay at a company for at least 5 years and if you are loyal to them they will be loyal to you. If you stay for shorter, you are a job hopper and no one is going to trust you even if this was a summer job or internship. 
• Don't ask for anything for the first 10 years. You aren't worth anything. The work experience you have had means nothing. Your school and field of study means nothing. You have no skills or experiences you can talk about and you're nothing but a liability. You are lucky to even have employment because why would they want to hire someone like you. 
• Don't expect anything over $15 an hour. You are barely worth minimum wage when you graduate college and if anything, minimum wage should be abolished. Don't expect any benefits either because you aren't worth it at this age. 
• Don't get prideful and start asking for things. You aren't degrading yourself when you do a lot of work for little compensation. You are showing them that you are a cooperative team player and as a result they will compensate you accordingly years down the line. Stop expecting instant gratification.  

And while I know these are terrible pieces of advice, I still don't know what is considered normal professionally. Like I don't know what is a normal amount of compensation I should be expecting with my skill level and I know this is causing me to undersell myself and not actually go after things that I'm probably qualified for.  I'm in a very impressionable position since I've never had a career and I don't know how most of this works. There are some very obvious things that are bs such as never apply to jobs online and keep calling people to follow up because from experience (this man made me go to people in person and ask for applications and had me embarrass myself when managers would look at me crazy and tell me to apply online). 

But when it comes to figuring out how much I should be paid, what kind of benefits are standard, setting boundaries and advocating for yourself in a professional setting, I'm completely lost because I don't have much of a frame of reference. And these conversations overall leave me feeling kind of worthless and like my efforts are futile. It leaves me feeling like I don't have a future and that I won't be able to have a decent quality of life or be able to support myself. It even makes me not want to apply for anything because why bother if I'm not qualified in the first place. 
 

Edited October 19, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

@MuadDib But what if you fucking up has less to do with you experimenting with different careers and more to do with issues in your personal life? Sometimes I feel like the things I have gone through, even if I have gained soft skills from them, don't really count because I shouldn't be so neurotic to where I would be struggling in the first place. 

[MuadDib]

2 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Sometimes I feel like the things I have gone through, even if I have gained soft skills from them, don't really count because I shouldn't be so neurotic to where I would be struggling in the first place. 

I'm telling you they count for a lot and no institution or organization is going to teach you how to do this. Learning to handle your own shit, break down your issues and fix them makes you increasingly capable of handling other peoples shit. So much of the work environment is about that. Almost everyone has their own flavour of crazy and tragedy to handle "outside" of their professional lives, which inevitably bleeds into their professional lives.

It is context-dependent of course. Career advice isn't universally applicable. Different jobs have different levels of responsibility, different work sectors have different work cultures, attract different demographics of people and have different expectations of employees/employers/procedures. 

It's more helpful to get clear about what YOU want and then work backwards from there as far as your expectations, time constraints and advice-seeking should go. Take advice from people who are already doing what you want to be doing. 

3 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I still don't know what is considered normal professionally.

There isn't a normal because professions are different and they have different normals.

 

3 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Like I don't know what is a normal amount of compensation I should be expecting with my skill level and I know this is causing me to undersell myself and not actually go after things that I'm probably qualified for.  I'm in a very impressionable position since I've never had a career and I don't know how most of this works.

 

You can start out somewhere and if you ask for more and get turned down then you have a data point to estimate your value. Nobody is going to pay you more than they have to or are able to and employers aren't usually walking around with a gun to everyone's head waiting for them to mess up and fire them. 

Also, sorry if you don't want me commenting on here. I'll remove them if you like.

If you are underperforming in your role (relative to your compensation, the expectations of the working culture and the financial health of the organization) they will make it clear to you and give you an opportunity to improve, perhaps even multiple opportunities.

Economically it's better for them to do that than go through the whole process of finding another person to fill the position and get them settled in (in most cases). It's especially true if you've just hired someone who is young and inexperienced ... like people understand that you don't know what tf you're doing and they'll course correct you a bit. Exceptions to this would be if a business starts struggling and has to lay people off quickly, or if you are in a high level, highly compensated role as things get increasingly cutthroat and people get increasingly shitty with regards to securing their slice of the pie.

[soos_mite_ah]

10 hours ago, MuadDib said:

It is context-dependent of course. Career advice isn't universally applicable. Different jobs have different levels of responsibility, different work sectors have different work cultures, attract different demographics of people and have different expectations of employees/employers/procedures. 

I agree with this. I was having a conversation with a few professors and we were talking about how career advice and how to approach different professional situations can differ given your background and what you're looking for. 

10 hours ago, MuadDib said:

Also, sorry if you don't want me commenting on here. I'll remove them if you like.

No, you're perfectly fine. These conversations are very much necessary both for my growth or for anyone who might come across this for similar experiences. Comments are always welcome and encouraged in my journals. 

10 hours ago, MuadDib said:

If you are underperforming in your role (relative to your compensation, the expectations of the working culture and the financial health of the organization) they will make it clear to you and give you an opportunity to improve, perhaps even multiple opportunities.

Economically it's better for them to do that than go through the whole process of finding another person to fill the position and get them settled in (in most cases). It's especially true if you've just hired someone who is young and inexperienced ... like people understand that you don't know what tf you're doing and they'll course correct you a bit. Exceptions to this would be if a business starts struggling and has to lay people off quickly, or if you are in a high level, highly compensated role as things get increasingly cutthroat and people get increasingly shitty with regards to securing their slice of the pie.

That does make sense since there are a lot of costs associated with going through the hiring process, the training process etc. I guess the environment I'm in mainly has it's eyes set on the high level, highly compensated roles that tend to be cutthroat since they are in the best interest of the university (because students in high positions making a lot of money means more donations and more clout for the university) and they appeal to the desires of the student body (highly competitive stage orange people who won't hesitate to back stab you if they feel necessary). 

[soos_mite_ah]

How Do People Even Get Themselves Into These Situations? 

So I'm going to a party school where a lot of the students have a shit ton of money to blow and get fucked up on the weekends. I'm not part of this crowd because I simply don't have the funds or the safety net to be acting out in this way and mainly because it simply isn't my crowd since I don't have much to relate to them on. But every now and then I find myself in a situation where I or one of my friends is a bystander of watching some crazy shit go down. Either that or we end up talking shit about some drama we aren't even a part of. 

One time I was at a party. There were some drugs, the cops eventually showed up. I just calmly left and was glad this party was over because I wasn't really having a lot of fun anyway. It just wasn't my scene. I was just standing there looking like this during that whole party:

honestly, this is probably me in most messy situations lol

The thing was like mosh pit and especially since COVID happened, I can't imagine going to something like that again. Not sure if I talked about this in a different post or not but I hate places that are so loud and crowded to where you can't have a conversation with someone. If I am going to spend my social energy on something, I better be compensated with a bond with someone or a good conversation.  Like, places like those are draining and for what lmao!?!?!

Another time my roommate from a couple years back, her friend of a friend got into some trouble at a party. I just remember getting a knock on the door by a cop that night who asked me a few questions. I was just standing there confused (and scared because POCs and cops don't mix too well) . Like I was just spending that night, minding my own business, studying for a statistics exam and I genuinely had no idea wtf was going on. Thankfully my roommate was safe and nothing happened to her and whatever happened that night, let just say that this roommate just cut those people off and moved on with her life lol. 

The other day, my friend who is an RA was confronted in the middle of the night by a bunch of college students banging on her door. One girl got locked out of her own dorm by two guys, a guy got punched in the face, someone was going through a break up, and there were people from off campus who got involved in a fight. The cops had to be called. My friend was talking to be about this over lunch today and we were talking about how tf people get themselves into these situations and how tf they have the time to get their work done in school. 

The other week there was a lot of crying and screaming outside of my dorm. I wasn't on campus that night but my roommate started texting me trying to figure out wtf was going without getting involved since we're both nosey af. The walls in my dorm are pretty thin so if there is any drama happening, the people next to you probably heard about the whole thing lol. 

Sex I feel like is a whole nother topic. There are a few stories i encounter every now and then and I'm just sitting there like *how?* and *why tf.* I don't really feel like expanding on that tbh. Then again, a lot of it probably has to do with my sense of risk aversion tbh. 

And I guess it feels even more alien to me because none of my friends are like that. Guess birds of the same feather do flock together lol. Like, it isn't even intentional but I always find myself in circles of a bunch of girls who usually do their work, nap, do face masks, and maybe binge on Netflix or anime during the weekend. We all have a couple of random acquaintances or encounters who are at the heart of the crazy stories (while we are the bystanders) but that's really about it. Honestly, now that I think about it, none of us really even smokes or drinks. It isn't like we have a problem with it or that we shame people, hell some of us might have a drink every now and then, but it's just not a part of our regular life style. 

Some of the shit I hear about, it sounds like it's straight out of one of those teen drama movies/shows. Whenever I watch those shows, I find myself thinking *how are you making the worst possible decisions every time?* *where tf are your parents? *if yall are in school why do I never see anyone do anything remotely related to school?* And since it's a TV show mainly written by old people who are out of touch with how kids are, I have an easier time brushing things off. But at this school specifically, there are people I run into every now and then whose lives are right out of a lifetime movie and I'm just sitting there like **huh?!?!** 

And times like this, I'm glad to have the role of a background character. Main characters have too much mess going on in their lives, a lot of the time they are annoying af, and they make terrible decisions. Granted, everyone is a main character of their own lives but I guess I'm talking about a specific genre of people as my roommate would describe it lol. 

Also in times like this, I sometimes wonder if this is how the law of attraction works. Not to be that person and I know that you can get into some pretty fucked up situations by not doing anything, but is this what it means to not be a vibrational match to a person or situation? Because again, it's not like I have to actively avoid people or situations like this. I'm just never in these situations and I never really click with people who are. 

[soos_mite_ah]

For my issues with doomer mentality

[soos_mite_ah]

Key Take Aways Part 1

I have been watching a few videos here and there I think there is some insightful things that I have found. I just want to note them down for future reference and just to reflect for a bit. 

I re-watched this video like 3 times because I feel like I am getting a lot of value from this. 

7:20 - Dr. K basically talks about how sometimes things are harder to handle not because there is anything internally going on with you but because your circumstances aren't conducive to what you are trying to achieve. I find myself resonating with this to a certain extent due to the environment I have been in in the last few years. And I think it's important to acknowledge because I do have a tendency to internalize some things that are beyond my control. 

22:30- Here, Anne starts talking about why there is this wall that is up and how that contributes to how it's difficult to make friends. She talks about how there are people who think that she's really cool and interesting but then for some reason they are simply not friends with her. And as a result, sometimes people put her on a pedestal which prevents that connection from happening because she appears unapproachable. I find myself relating to this a lot when it comes to my issues with competence which I have journaled about a lot in the past. I don't find myself having as many issues regarding that since addressing it but I still feel like this has been a recent enough experience to where I feel like I can still relate to this and that it's good to be mindful about. 

27:45- Anne talks about how creating friendships is something that she has done before and she knows that she can do it but sometimes she thinks that the reason why she is having issues with making friends is because she isn't trying hard enough. She also mentions that whenever she feels like something isn't reciprocal that this causes her to back away from others since she doesn't want to be overbearing. 

Dr. K talks about on how taking a step forward and taking a step back points to a point of resistance that might be blocking her. He then asks if Anne ever had an experience of whether she chased someone but it wasn't reciprocated. Anne talks about how basically how in college she had a lot of acquaintances but she never felt like she was part of the core group that would hang out with each other. Basically, she was the outsider. She then moves on to talking about her family situation and how that also contributes to feeling like an outsider and how this is a common theme. 

I did reflect on being an outsider and not being a priority to people in this post a few days ago: 

To expand on this since I did focus on this aspect of my life romantically, I think especially in this school, as a woman of color and as a leftist in a conservative PWI, that feeling of being an outsider and knowing that people are going to be side eyeing me if I were to talk about my views. It has caused me to try to be more tactful with the way that I deal with people and have really good boundaries but it has also come at the cost of me being fully expressive. 

They also talk about a lot of this around the 1:00:00 mark and how not chasing after people is a way of coping with feeling like you aren't wanted. Anne then mentions on how she has learned to be independent and how to be by herself to respond to this. Then Dr. K chimes in and talks about how the brain uses the tool that works the best and that tool improves the practice. When people have a strength, that's what they tend to default to in order to get through difficult situations which in turn makes the strengths stronger. However this makes things difficult if that strength is maladaptive to the situation. They also start talking about being annoying, bothering people, and how people might react to taking steps forward to creating a friendship . I think the whole strengthening a skill that isn't helping my situation is where I'm at. I'm really good at being alone and doing things myself but that's not the skill set that would enable me to reach out to make quality friendships. I'm planning on journaling about this more in a separate post to avoid getting side tracked. 

52:10- Dr. K talks about having an internal and external locus of control. I'm not going even summarize this part because I think it's important to watch it for what it is since I can't do it justice lol. But as far as my reflections go, I do have a tendency to resort to an internal locus of control and for me and my situation, switching my perspective to the external locus of control is what would help me the most. 

Edited October 31, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Key Take Aways Part 2

I really liked this video and how it explains how learning additional theory and how going back to school and getting additional degrees can be rooted in insecurity and passivity when it comes to stepping into adulthood. It is something that I recently grappled with and it's a trap that I notice that some people around me fall into. I know a lot of people who decided to go to grad school, not because they know it's going to be a stepping stone for where they want to go, rather it was because they were too afraid to go into the workforce since they feel like they weren't adequately prepared. It's essentially a way of putting off moving into the next stage of their lives because it's scary and unknown. 

I also feel like a lot of brown parents fall into the trap of enabling this form of thinking because of how positively they view education. Don't get me wrong, I think that mindset is incredibly important especially when you want to raise your kids and instill this notion of life long learning. But I think where problems really arise is when they put so much weight on getting into a prestigious school or doing some advanced degree to where they don't look at the practicality, the feasibility, and the healthiness of the situation.

For example, my mom really wants me to get my masters and PhD before going into the workforce because she wasn't me to be a doctor and because med school is simply not an option for me. She also thinks that not going straight to more school after my undergrad is going to cause me to get distracted and once I work a few years I won't want to go back to school. I don't think this is a good decision for me. I don't know what kind of grad studies I might want to do since I don't have a clear career path yet. I don't want to spend a ton of money and time on something that might not be worthwhile for me and my path. And I don't want to delay being an adult (though I'm tempted to do so) because I am afraid of what is ahead. There is this part of me that pops up every now and then where I'm just like *why couldn't I just want to be a doctor, a lawyer, or a professor like a lot of my peers, because you know, 8 years of med school doesn't sound so bad. I just had to be a fucking free spirit didn't I* Because if you're in med school or a doctoral program for 8 years, you know what you're doing with your life during that time. But if you decide to start your career and switch jobs and positions every now and then to figure out what you're going to do, that's going to be a messier, more existential crisis inducing process. And as much as I want to know what exactly I'm doing with my life for the next few years and not switch things up, I know that isn't the best option for me and what I want to do with my life. 

I don't have too many personal experiences come up for me at this time as it relates to this video. But I do think it's important to see how love and looking out for your best interest or the best interest of others can get complicated because they don't always align cleanly. I think keeping this in mind can help deal with a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding. Because what we do and don't do sometimes are totally independent of whether we love someone or not. Basically, it's important to question your conclusions and knee jerk reactions because you might be attributing meaning where there isn't any. And instead, you need to put into a lot of effort in understanding where the other person is coming from as well as where you are coming from to effectively communicate and build trust. Sometimes it's more important to understand someone instead of simply loving them though most of the time they go hand in hand. Love isn't fully selfless in the way that it sacrifices your best interests and needs for the other person rather love is about honoring your interests and needs as well as taking the other person's interests and needs as your own, therefore creating a sense of unity in what is best for both of yall. 

I would say that this video mainly talks about the dangers of compromising your boundaries and how that can erode a relationship, build resentment, and cause a lack of fulfillment. I personally feel that compromising is for small, almost insignificant things (like whether or not you should get the blue or white curtains or how many throw pillow you want) but not for things like your values, your career, your over all lifestyle etc. The video goes into how differences in these things are simply incompatibility and how you should accept that and move on  instead of digging your heels in more and changing yourself (or worse, expecting the other person to change) to "make it work." Compromise doesn't often lead to fulfillment. Compromise was created to keep incompatible people in a relationship for a long period of time because back then "successful" relationships were defined as ones that lasted the longest, not the ones that were the healthiest. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Just to keep myself accountable since I haven't been posting as much as I want to, especially in this journal 

Topics that I want to discuss in the future: 

• Healthy Relationships 
• Experiential and Factual Truth
• Dealing with Imposter Syndrome 
• Relational Trauma 
• In Praise of Being Average 
• How I Feel About Long Term Goals
• The Sad White Girl Trope 
• Personal / Professional Boundaries and Parasocial Relationships

Edited October 31, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Revisiting a Past Version of Myself

I'm a little freaked out by this video. I had a similar conversation with similar points with a friend a couple weeks back. On top of that, this video word for word feels like a lot of the idealism and the goals that I had when I was 17/18 years old. 

I don't know how to feel about that. I suppose it's because there is a lot going underneath the surface and I suppose this journal post is simply me trying to make sense of myself. 

I do feel a little bit of sadness mixed in with nostalgia. Sadness because I miss the idealism I had back then. Nostalgia because it felt like I was looking at a past version of myself for better and for worse. 

The past version of myself had a very optimistic view of the future. It's the way that I held on at the time. I told myself that once I went off to college, dealt with my childhood trauma through therapy, I would basically be unstoppable in the face of my goals. I would study abroad, get my career together, get amazing grades, hold together a part time job to save up for travel, be either an RA or a TA, and have a solid group of friends etc. I just had to endure a couple more years in my parents house.

And if I'm going to be honest, I came very close to that reality. When I don't have any of my mental blockages, I can actualize my goals (or manifest so lol) so quickly. Like I'm basically the energizer bunny who is capable of doing multiple things at once all well. I got a taste of that just right before the pandemic. And I remember during those few months, I was basically high on life and so ready to step into this next chapter of my life free from abuse, depression, and anxiety. Then the pandemic hit and I acquired a new flavor of crazy to recover from. In some ways I feel like I'm starting back at square one when I scheduled in the fact that at this point I'll be at square 8. I feel like there was that sense of naivety to assume that things were going to seamlessly. And I don't blame myself. There is no way I could have known that things would've turned out this way. 

I would say that now, I still have this optimistic view of the future. But it isn't nearly as bright eyed and bushy tailed as it was back then. I would characterize my optimism right now as rooted in something that is very slow and consistent. Like I know I'm getting there, it's just going to take a while.  I suppose the upside to this is that I'm more patient, resilient, disciplined, and well thought out. But I miss how simple things were and how easy my goals seemed at the time. Now I overthink everything and take time to get things done because I doubt a lot of my abilities and doubt my surroundings because I feel like I'm not standing under stable ground.   

On the other hand, this past version of myself had a lot of escapist tendencies. I had a lot of happiness bottlenecks at the time and I thought the only way that I would be able to be happy is if I moved to NYC, found my people, cut out my family, and  travelled a lot in my early 20s. Upon everything that could go wrong going wrong, I realized that I actually don't need that much to be happy. I realized that I can still find a lot of happiness in a couple of people, living in a suburb, and travelling every now and then. I don't necessarily have to go all out. That's not to say that I don't want to do these things (ok, I don't think NYC is for me anymore tbh) but it's to say that I don't have the same kind of attachment that I used to have in my goals. And that attachment was along the lines of *if I don't do xyz I'm going to be miserable and wasting my life.* Back then I had a lot of misplaced hatred towards Dallas, Texas, and the U.S. as a whole.

Turns out I don't actually hate it here. Hell, I don't even hate the small town I grew up in. I just hated living with my parents and I wanted to get far, far away from them and fall into the arms of this stage green type of hedonism.  I talk more about stage green hedonism and how it shaped my ideal of a life well lived in a previous post. I think much of what I was intending on writing is basically a repetition of this post: 

I think in addition to the sadness and the nostalgia, there is almost this sense of closure that comes over me, as if I'm better able to access this previous version of myself that has since passed on. It reminds me of how far I've come in understanding what it means to live a fulfilling life (in the post I linked above I talked about how stage green hedonism felt like THE BLUEPRINT of living an actualized life). And this gives me a sense of peace. I like the person who I'm growing into, slowly but surely. I have faith in that person as well. And I feel like even if things don't turn out the way that I hoped or intended it to, I'm pretty sure I'll still have a happy and fulfilling life regardless. Because I remember back then (and sometimes even now to a certain extent), I felt that I needed to go out and search for meaning by doing things that are larger than life to be fulfilled. And though that is a nice bonus, it's just that, a bonus. I can still find meaning here in the depth of my own experience by just being conscious of my day to day.

I guess the thing that is holding me back now is the expectations that 2017 soos_mite_ah held 2021 soos_mite_ah to. That has been contributing to me feeling like I haven't been living a full life in the past couple years and contributing to me having imposter syndrome. And I feel like watching this video gave me that sense of peace and closure I need to let go of those expectations. I'm not letting go of my goals and I'm not letting go of the journey. I'm simply letting go of the impatience and the death grip I had in getting to the finish line. I'll get there when I'll get there and that's perfectly fine. 

And now that I think of the emotions of sadness, nostalgia, peace, and closure, I can't help but notice how these are also common emotions in mourning. For the last couple months, that's honestly how I felt. I felt like I was mourning the pre-pandemic version of myself that was last on campus. I felt like I was mourning my college experience. I felt like I was mourning my potential and how things didn't turn out like I wanted. And I think it's a good sign that I'm finally getting to that place of peace and closure especially since I would say that these emotions didn't cut me to the core and make me feel neurotic. 

EDIT: I'm not trying to label this guy or this video as the poster child of stage green hedonism lol. This is just reminding me of my goals and ideals like 4 years ago. This is me 1000% projecting and trying to make sense of that projection 

Edited November 2, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Just thought of this video after writing the above

[soos_mite_ah]

Grounded

I know I haven't been posting much lately but I have been putting in a lot of emotional labor in terms of the classes I'm taking, recent dips in my mental health, and me working through the things I have gone through for the past year and a half or so. And I can't believe I'm saying this but I feel like I'm in a much more grounded place than where I was back in August or so.

However, I will say that I feel rather stressed and tired. Stressed because last week I had 2 presentations, a paper, and an international negotiation assignment I had to do for class all due back to back. Friday was not much better because I essentially had to deal with people for 12 hours straight with no breaks. I've also had somewhat of a social life in the last 3-4 weeks and I'm proud of that lol. 

Today, I've basically been a potato of sorts. I did absolutely nothing so far. The only two people I have talked to is my roommate and the people at the dining hall to get food.  I do need to get some work done but I've been putting it off, not because of procrastination but because I simply feel tired. I really need to get some things done today because I have 2 papers and 2 presentations next week so that should be fuuuuunnn..... But thankfully, none of these assignments are that bad so I think it should be fine lol. I just have to emotionally prepare myself for these presentations. That's my main issue tbh. 

I'm also really proud of how far I've come compared to where I was emotionally in the beginning of the semester (or hell even last month). I feel like I accomplished a lot internally and externally. I've been writing a lot in my other journal, Self Development To Do List, as a way of tracking my progress and growth emotionally. I will say though, this whole thing felt really slow and steady. It's been to the point where in a lot of times in this semester I was wondering if I was getting anywhere at all. I felt pretty impatient for a lot of the semester and in a way there are some aspects of my life that still leaves me feeling impatient. And I will say that this way of growth feels much more stable, solid, and more sustainable than before. But even though it's slow and steady, when I look back I feel like I'm making quick progress tbh. It does feel very much like a marathon than a sprint and as a result, I do feel tired and rather impatient for the finish line even though I know I need to pace myself. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Astrology and the Timing of My Own Life

It isn't an uncommon phenomenon for people to fall into things like religion, spirituality, or faith in some higher power in the face of adversity and uncertainty. While I have never went deep into demonizing religion or spirituality at any point in my journey and always had some appreciation for it, at the very least in the cultural and philosophical contribution that religion has given to society as a whole, I do catch myself wondering, and in some cases making fun of myself (sometimes lightly other times in a judgmental way) as to why I gravitated towards astrology and tarot. I tend to joke about how things turned out this way because I would much rather chill with tiktok witches who want to manifest the end of capitalism than hang with religious fundamentalists who believe that trans people should burn in hell. But after thinking about it a little more, I think there is more to it. 

I'm currently in a place in my self help journey where I'm growing impatient. While I have been doing a good job at sticking to long term goals, for one reason or another (usually from things outside of my control), I haven't been getting my tangible rewards. That's not to say that I'm not growing as a person, I most definitely am, much more than what I anticipated if anything. But the fruits of self development aren't always things you can take a picture of and brag about with your friends like you would with say getting to your ideal body, being accepted into you dream school or program, building a fulfilling career, or finding a person or groups of people you really resonate with. I remember being incredibly depressed at 16 and committing to myself to spend the following year getting my life together. That meant dealing with my anxiety, depression, and ADHD, being on track to going to the school of my choice, maintaining my solid group of friends, and healing from the trauma my family caused me. I thought I could get all of this done within a year or two but here I am five years later. I have covered a lot of ground and I have gone further than I could have imagined, but I didn't anticipate the journey to be this long. And I don't  know how much longer until I do get to that destination. I feel like that kid who is on a road trip whining to their parents "are we there yet??" even though they know damn well they aren't anywhere near. 

The pandemic exacerbated those delays. There is also a lesson that I have ingrained into my head but for some reason haven't been able to fully integrate into my soul. And that lesson is "trust the timing of your own life." I rolled my eyes while writing the previous sentence. It's so cliché and I've used this line as a way of soothing the disappointments that came with the delays in my life. It worked the first few times, but after that I began annoying myself due to my own pent up impatience. I want my thriving career now.  I want my travel plans now. I want my thriving social life now. I want my significant other now. And this impatience isn't coming from an irrational place either. I've been working towards these things and sorting out my inner demons for years and sometimes I wonder if any of this will be worth it. 

That's where astrology and tarot comes in. I think the reason why I gravitated towards astrology over traditional religion is because I like how timed astrology can be and how it can serve as a predictive resource, My Saturn in Taurus in the 7th house basically says that I'm expected to see delays in my romantic life but it will be worth in the end because I need those years of consistent effort to build a very stable foundation most likely in my mid 20s to early 30s. The weird cross formation that's on my chart says that yeah things are a cluster fuck right now but the moment you get it together there wont be anything stopping you because you worked hard to get to where you're at and the adversity you went through provided the structure you needed to develop into the person you're meant to be. My progressed moon in Capricorn says that I entered a two year time period where I need to tear down everything that wasn't serving me to slowly build a more realistic, more grounded vision for my life and that I will be entering the next phase of my emotional needs when my moon moves into Aquarius in September 2022. And finally, I have discovered a bunch of astrologers who lowkey predicted the course of the pandemic and how things will turn out for this decade. I'm not saying they are right all the time but I will say that so far they have been on point and if anything dramatic happens in the U.S. economy on 2/22/2022, I'm going to be shook. 

So while it's nice to hear thing like "god has a plan" and "everything will be ok in the end," I like knowing when that plan is going to pay off and when the end is going to be. Even if the date doesn't even make sense, it's still something to hold on to. For example, as much as people love to bitch about mercury being in retrograde, we also know when mercury is getting out of retrograde. So even if you're going through it, there is a date you can count down to instead of feeling like your life is crashing down and there is no end to it. 

I also like on how astrology can give you a sense of reassurance both on the positive and the negative aspects of myself and my life. Like not only does it give me the times when I'm more likely to be fortunate, but it also gives me the times when I'm more likely to be misfortunate. And that gives me this sense of control as well a sense of reality because it's not like my chart is saying that things are always going to be going well. It reassures me by saying, *hey, this isn't all in your head, you aren't going crazy, the transits are real fucked up right now, but that's ok because it won't be long til things start to lighten up. Just hang in there for a few more months.* And a lot of times, whether it's because the sky switched up on me or I put in the work, things usually do lighten up in a few months or so. In the end, while my life is a mess, at the very least, at least I don't walk into the new year with the previous year's problems. I come prepared with new challenges lol. 

[soos_mite_ah]

555

This morning I woke up and as usual I checked my phone and got on Actualized.org to wake myself up because that's what LED screens are good for lol. I got to this website and I saw a 404 error. I know this site crashes every now and then but I never saw the 404 error. Normally, it would just say failure to refresh or something like that. I felt a little bit of panic recently thinking about how a lot of my writing was just gone and how I haven't been doing a good job at transferring what I write on here onto a word document. But I also felt a sense of peace in knowing that I was gone without a trace and that no one can use what I wrote against me. 

Peace of anonymity + reveling myself in hiding + life purpose implications 

There is a part of me that is extremely paranoid when it comes to the internet. I don't know what kind of internet education these children are getting nowadays because some people really be giving out their personal info and meeting up with people left and right but I was taught that what happens on the internet stays there forever. I was taught to never reveal anything that could give my personal identity away, not even my birthday and definitely not any ways of contacting me. I was taught that you need to keep your posts on social media as vanilla as possible because or else it's going to bit you in the ass and your employer 10 years down the line is going to get onto you about what you posted and will result in you getting in trouble. I was told to never use any kind of profanity. And even though I wasn't told this and this was simply a result of having all of these messages internalized in my head, there is a part of me that imagines a future where someone from my generation is running for president and people access what they did back when they were like 12 or they go through the candidate's search history. Even though people talk about things like privacy and anonymity on the internet, in the end of the day, that shit never felt real to me. There is a part of me that always feels watched on here or at the very least, feels the potential to be watched. 

And I think a big part of what enabled me to write as much as I do on this website is the anonymity. It's like I get the safety of feeling like I can fully express myself at least on a surface level, just enough for me to do this. I have thought about creating my own blog and basically do what I do here on my own little space.  But there is this hesitation that I feel when it comes to putting my name and really taking ownership of my writing. Namely, what does this mean for my future and how will it affect my future career opportunities if anyone were to find out what I do.

Earlier today, after the crash, copied and pasted all of my entries from my main journals and in total it ended up being 555 pages. I wrote 555 pages..... since July 19, 2020.... and pretty much no one in my life knows anything about it. This hit me like a ton of bricks. That's a whole ass book. That's like 3 dissertations. That's probably a +1000 hours of practice (say 1 hour per page and an additional hour for thinking and planning the posts). And this doesn't factor in the amount of time I spend doing the emotional labor of trying to improve myself. Like.... I'm really out here doing my 10,000 hours of mastery but I can't quite pinpoint as to what exactly I'm pointing my efforts towards other than me getting my life together and developing myself.  I'm simply existing and doing my thing. I don't know what these skills can contribute to towards the future.

It feel like I'm hiding this huge part of myself without realizing it. I have only one person who knows I have a pseudo blog in a forum and that is my roommate. We got into a conversation about our experiences on internet forums and how we both have this paranoia of employers finding what we post and getting repercussions on that. And then we got on to the topic as to how the internet can feel like big brother and how we need to have better boundaries as to how our lives outside of work and school impacts what we do in work and school. This person hasn't read any of my writing nor do they know about this forum. 

I suppose there is a part of me that wants more people who are close to me to read my writing. But also, I'm hesitant to tell them about this forum because of some of the conversations users have on here as it relates to things like dating, psychedelics etc. I'm pretty sure if they found out about the incel community on here that they would be really concerned as to where I spend my time and what I spend looking at on the internet. As much as I like Leo and his content, I can't say that the way he presents his content is suitable for normies. 

Knowing how much I wrote on here also feels weird because of how much I have revealed about myself, my thoughts, my experiences, my emotions etc. Don't get me wrong, I highly doubt anyone has read all of my posts in detail to where they actually know me, but it feels strange to know that so much of myself is just out there and accessible. It doesn't feel bad per se but it does feel a little strange. I'm pretty sure that if there was anyone who took the time to read everything in detail, that person would probably know more about me than anyone in my day to day life. I guess the strangeness comes from the parasocial nature of it all, how a person could know so much about me but I don't know anything about them. 

(I also feel that the topic of parasocial relationships and personal/professional boundaries is a post for another day) 

On 10/31/2021 at 4:25 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Just to keep myself accountable since I haven't been posting as much as I want to, especially in this journal 

Topics that I want to discuss in the future: 

• Healthy Relationships 
• ...
• Personal / Professional Boundaries and Parasocial Relationships

Fear of forgetting my skills and losing my work

There was a sense of panic that set in as well, mainly because I haven't been super on top of copy and pasting my writing to word documents. I was afraid that I lost my work and as a result, potentially a way to track my progress as a writer. If I'm going to be perfectly honest, even after writing this much and being consistent with it, I still struggle to see myself as a writer. Perhaps it's because of how spontaneous a lot of this is and how I seldom edit my posts. I know that I frequently have spelling errors tor grammar errors in my writing so it's not like I'm being really attentive of my craft, if you can call it that. Perhaps it's the lack of professionalism in my content and how personal I make things out to be. I do tend to write a lot about personal topics and contemplations and I'm afraid if I shared the contents of my writing in a conversation that it would look like I was oversharing if it wasn't in this context. Perhaps it's how casual this is. I do tend to shit post time to time and I through in an lol or lmao or four to convey that I'm actually joking around since it's sometimes difficult to convey tone and sarcasm online. Perhaps it's the fear that I'm a barely formed adult whose brain is still forming and I'm very likely to sound fake deep and kind of cringe. I do sometimes think about my tumblr posts from back in 2017 and how I though I was being sooooo deep when I was just growing up and developing emotional depth perception. Perhaps I have a lot of limiting beliefs around what is considered good writing and as a result I don't identify as a writer. I suppose that if everything got deleted, I might forget that I ever had a tendency to write like this. This medium really works well for me if I'm going to be honest. And I think on some level it would hurt me if I were to lose the proof of all of this work I put into myself. 

Another thought that I had was on how if I did ever start writing on my own platform, how people wouldn't really get to see my "start" if you will. Because if I were to do anything with writing on the internet, internally I would point to this forum as my start. I guess if the skills I'm developing takes me anywhere, my journals would be like records of my life purpose journey in action, personal details and all. So, I do believe there is a degree of sentimentality that is attached to my previous posts whether or not they are public

The sense of awkwardness of going away without a goodbye

I do have a few people I talk to and I really look up to on here. I have had many good conversations on here. I feel like it would have been weird if that were to be cut short. And the few people I do feel like I connect to, it's not like I can really contact them on any other platform. But at the same time, since this is just a forum and we've only had a few interactions here and there, I'm hesitant to call them friends and reach out beyond this forum. This might also be the internet paranoia I have lol and how I find it more difficult to make internet friends in general. I would expand on this but I feel like this is a topic for a different time. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Angel Numbers

As I was writing the previous post and calculating how much I wrote, I came across 555. I know some new agey people think things like angel numbers (111, 222, 333, 444, etc) have some kind of significance. I mean, I don't fucking know but I do like to entertain the idea of it for the funsies. A while back I was talking about life purpose and blogging and I came across the number 18888. This is what I said about that: 

On 6/17/2021 at 1:48 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

So right after I posted the previous post, it showed that my journal got 18888 views. And I was like *oh cool a synchronicity! I wonder what 8888 means.*I went ahead and googled it and this is what google told me: 

On 6/17/2021 at 1:48 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

What does the sign 8888 mean?

As long as you are living a life of balance and harmony, angel number 8888 has many positive meanings. It is typically a sign of good fortune, auspicious opportunities and abundance . It can also mean a sudden windfall, money or financial security. Often, angel number 8888 means financial abundance

Is this a sign from the universe trying to tell me something? You know what I don't know but this did give me some happy feelings so I'm going to take it and run with it. I don't take manifestation and these things too seriously but I try to have fun with it.

I guess that's why manifestation works for me because I'm not attached to certain things but I'm still positive 

Hmm.... things to think about 

This time I looked up what 555 means because lord knows that I don't have this shit memorized and when it comes to the symbolism people who are into things like tarot, astrology, and numerology, I have to rely on google to be my dictionary. It's also 11:11 as I'm writing this lol 

Quote

https://www.the-sun.com/lifestyle/3404470/555-meaning-angel-number/

If you see the number 555, you are in luck.

In numerology, the number 5 signifies “energy of affirmative change.”

When you get three of them in a row, it’s a strong sign that things in your life are changing and the “wheel of fate is turning,” according to Hidden Numerology. 

Angel number 555 reveals that you should stay confident and positive about the changes around you because angels are headed your way.

The outlet recommends that you be aware of your emotions during this stage because “your inner well being defines your circumstances and the choices you make.”

“The 555 angel number means that any grey clouds covering your life are about to be sent away by a warm and vibrant spiritual wind,” the outlet continues.

Quote

https://hiddennumerology.com/angel-number-555/

What does 555 mean?
Angel number 555 means that the angels are coming to you when your life is about to change, and a reminder to remain confident and positive with the changes around you.

Angel number 555 meaning is that you are going through a process of positive change in your life.

Be aware of your emotions during these times because your inner wellbeing defines your circumstances and the choices you make.

The Meaning of 555

The change hasn’t started just yet, but it’s about to. Whatever the change is, the angels are offering their positive energy and guidance to assist you during this transition.
You should be aware the Divine has some part to play in what happens to you. You don’t need to worry, especially about small and insignificant things such as money. Liberation and providence is part of this plan, along with a rebirth of your soul and zest for life.

These angel number meanings are never definitive. You should keep this possibility in mind as you contemplate the meaning of angel number 555.

555 Angel number

What does angel number 555 mean  ?
Angel number 555 means a major change is coming to you, be ready for it and trust the decision and choices you make,  gray clouds covering your life are about to be sent away by a warm and vibrant spiritual wind. Many people have problems dealing with any kind of transition. Change means that you need to leave your comfort zone. That’s why angels come to you at this time.
They want you to know that opening yourself up to change is the right thing to do. You’re on the cusp of receiving a healthy dose of contentment and joy. You just need to let it happen.

I know I said this before verbatim buuuutt is this a sign from the universe trying to tell me something? You know what I don't know but this did give me some happy feelings so I'm going to take it and run with it. I don't take manifestation and these things too seriously but I try to have fun with it.

[soos_mite_ah]

Personal/ Professional Boundaries In My Writing 

This is something that I have been thinking about for the past couple months but due to things like school and life getting in the way, I haven't been able to sit down and really articulate these things to myself. Last night in my previous post, 555, I had a bunch of thoughts come up to the forefront to where I feel  like I can't just brush it off for later. 

One thing that I feel is distinctive about my writing is how personal I get on here. Even the previous paragraph, if I'm going to be honest with myself, it's not the most relevant to the subject matter in the sense it's not a strong introduction. Instead, I just get into my personal feelings about the topic I'm wanting to talk about. As someone who has thought about writing like this for either as a side hustle or hell, one day as something that can support me (don't know how that will happen but it's nice to entertain), I am considering the way that professionalism can collide with how personal I am being. 

1. Your personal feelings comes at odds with conciseness and how it grips the readers: I think that how personal I can be can cause me to beat around the bush at times and as a result cause people to get bored. It can also cause a lot of tangents which then clash with how well people understand the topic at hand because too many tangents can cause the subject matter to be all over the place. 

2. Getting too personal can result in parasocial relationships: I have touched on this in the previous post: 

16 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Knowing how much I wrote on here also feels weird because of how much I have revealed about myself, my thoughts, my experiences, my emotions etc. Don't get me wrong, I highly doubt anyone has read all of my posts in detail to where they actually know me, but it feels strange to know that so much of myself is just out there and accessible. It doesn't feel bad per se but it does feel a little strange. I'm pretty sure that if there was anyone who took the time to read everything in detail, that person would probably know more about me than anyone in my day to day life. I guess the strangeness comes from the parasocial nature of it all, how a person could know so much about me but I don't know anything about them

And this can be problematic if I ever get an audience of sorts. Granted, I'm only on actualized.org at the moment and I get anywhere from 50-100 views per post depending on how I time my posts and how old my journal is, and granted that these are probably not the same people coming over and over and if they are they are only probably clicking through and that's it. So the chances of me becoming a magnet of parasocial relationships at this moment is highly unlikely. But, I know it's a thing that can happen where people feel like they personally know you even through they actually don't. And that can lead to a really unhealthy dynamic both from the point of view of the creator and the consumer. As a result, a lot of creators combat this by having clearly defined boundaries regarding what they choose to share and not share publicly. 

Then there is the whole oversharing aspect. I'm pretty good at not oversharing in real life. If anything, I tend to under-share at times. But at the same time, I feel like the way I'm so free here is the reason why I was able to fall in love with writing and was able to be so consistent with it. I do have a handful of boundaries I maintain for the sake of internet safety but I know I would have to double down more if I were to take this from a hobby to something more. 

3. Capitalizing off of my own vulnerability: I really don't know how to feel about this. On one hand, being vulnerable, authentic, and over all just yourself comes naturally for me. On the other hand, capitalizing off of what feels natural can lead to feeling like you need to keep up with a performance, like living your life is another full time job. There is something that rubs me the wrong way about taking something that feels personal and broadcasting that and making money from that. I feel like it can also lead individuals to put all of their eggs in one basket where, for example, vloggers, if they aren't constantly doing crazy things in their lives, their survival and their paycheck is on the line. And as a result, personal and professional boundaries can get violated and exploited for more success. That can get real messy real quick. 

I'm also wary in general to take something I'm passionate about and something I do for fun as a creative outlet and turn it into a job. I feel like when you mix survival into the picture and you make yourself obligated to your craft in the sense where you have to do it or else you can't pay the bills, your creativity suffers. Just in general, when you make someone, even if it's yourself, obligated to do something, you don't want to do it any more because that said thing feels like something that was put on you rather than something you actively chose. I've seen a lot of art students go to school all bright eyed and bushy tailed only to have the life sucked out of them when the deadlines and the grading for their classes comes in and suddenly the thing that they wanted to do started getting framed as something they have to do. 

4. The other people in my life: While I do keep everyone anonymous in my writing, because I am writing about my life, there are common characters that do pop up. Sure I mix things up and when I say "a friend did so and so" you don't know if that's the same friend I talked about in a previous post or a different one. But I do end up talking about my family quite a bit. And again, while everything I have wrote about people are anonymous, there is a part of me that feels like if I were to be professional, I need to leave other people out of it. 

5. The lack of editing and spontaneity: My journals are largely unedited. I know it says edited after most of my posts but that's usually me correcting some grammar or spelling error I caught in the last minute. I know that a lot of the problem I have listed above can be fixed through the editing process, but there is a part of me that feels like being more structured and formulaic can  create and impact with my over all voice and tone. 

6. What does writing professionally look like: I see my writing as more of a hobby rather than a craft I'm trying to master. Sure I get better each time, but that's not my intention with my writing. My writing is simply and expression of my being. It's a flow state that I dip into for a little bit naturally. I suppose my writing can fall in between it being professional and it being a hobby. I am pretty disciplined and consistent when it comes to my writing to where this is a part of my regular habit and practice like a professional (sort of) who needs to pump out content regularly. But on the other hand, I'm relatively unstructured like I mentioned before on the previous bullet point. There is a huge part of me that does this relatively casually as the words flow to me, rather than being precise with my words like a craftsman would. This is just my thoughts on paper and half of the time it's pretty disorganized to where I'm sure that only I would fully understand it lol. 

 

And the reasons above are pretty much the reason why I'm hesitant to make this career or have my own platform. I do think that writing and journaling is part of my life purpose but at the same time, I think that it isn't wise to have all of your eggs in one basket. It's ok to just have a job and then do what you're passionate about and gives you a sense of purpose outside of work. It's ok to have multiple things that gives you meaning in your life. If anything, it's necessary to build a sustainable, conscious, well balanced life. I feel like I'm repeating things that I talked about in a previous post so I'm going to link that said post here along with a video that really resonates with how I'm feeling at this moment to close this entry: 

 

Edited November 19, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Healthy Relationships Part 1: Common Themes 

There is something that I noticed a few months ago. While I haven't had many relationship experiences in my life, especially romantically, I'm fairly good at discerning healthy and unhealthy dynamics. I've come to the conclusion that a lot of this is so is because I'm good at creating healthy relationships with thing other than people. Because truth is, we are always relating to reality. Reality is just consciousness exploring and relating to itself. You can have relationships to hobbies, jobs, ideas, materialism, certain activities, and more. To have a healthy relationship with each of those things as well as other people there are common themes. As they say, happy families are all alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. And in this post, I want to talk about those themes. I'm going to provide examples in the next post. 

Also, note on the themes, these themes need to be present in both parties in the dynamic, not just one individual for this to work. I might be editing this post on and off throughout  the day as things come to me. 

1. Discerning Healthy Boundaries: This is something that requires contemplation and self questioning. It's important to have an understanding of where you stand in a situation and whether the boundaries you're setting for yourself is coming from a conscious place. Sometimes we have a lot of boundaries as a way to build a wall between yourself and a certain experience. At times this is totally valid because something are simply not safe. But other times, it can come from a place of being over protective and feeling uneasy with experiencing life. In other cases, we don't have sufficient boundaries whether it's because we feel that our needs aren't valid or because we don't have an adequate amount of self love to enforce what is healthy for us in an active manner. 

2. Communicating/Enforcing Boundaries: In a healthy dynamic, once you have discerned your boundaries, it should feel safe to communicate and enforce those boundaries. It's a part of being authentic to yourself and consciously getting your needs met. 

3. Consistency: I think a sense of consistency is important to give an individual a sense of stability in a dynamic. And that stability is important for an individual to feel safe in a dynamic so that they can authentically express themselves and further create a bond between the thing or action in question. This sense of stability can look different for each situation. It's also important to discern that consistency isn't the same as creating patterns. Sure some patterns can feel comfortable but can be very detrimental to remain in and that's were discerning healthy boundaries and where you stand comes in. Nurturing that bond further helps one integrate important lessons  and build a foundation for flourishing the relationship. 

4. Authenticity vs Passion: This mainly has to do with how conscious your intentions are and if they are aligned with who you are at this moment. Because even if there is a certain person, dynamic, lifestyle, or thing in question is something that we want and that looks good on paper, that doesn't mean that it's going to be a good fit for us. Sometimes our passions do come from an authentic place, but other times they can contradict with one another. And from my observations, in those cases, it's important to align with your sense of authenticity and values over what you may want in the moment. Because often times, in healthy situations, when passion is aligned with authenticity, it isn't always this firey, impulsive, neurotic, all over the place thing. The times when I realized that a dynamic was healthy and that it was something I was passionate about, the feeling felt good but also very stable and calm. There is that feeling of being at peace and content. It's not like a rush of cocaine. It isn't something that is volatile and manic. It goes back to the whole consistency thing. 

5. You can give yourself space and walk away: This also has to do with the communicating/enforcing boundaries but I think it can also stand alone by itself. Whatever thing you have a relationship with, you aren't dependent on it and if it need be, you can give yourself space without getting neurotic and needy. This also coincides with a sense of authenticity because when you know you can walk away at any moment if you wish, you are consciously making the choice to engage in a situation, not because you have to but because you want to. You have a good foundation within yourself to stand alone and self regulate if need be. If one has issues with doing this, that can indicate a sense of addiction or dependence however I think there is an important nuance where in some cases, walking away from something and the negative effects can might be coming from a sense of grief of the situation rather than neurotically clawing back to what used to be. Again, goes back to having good discernment and knowing yourself by watching your emotions and reactions. 

6. You're there because you want to be, not because you have to be: This overlaps with the previous point. To expand on this, I would say that this rooted in authenticity rather than obligation. From my observations, obligations really kill relationships and make them turn sour because of the amount of resentment that can build up. Doing things out of obligation can also result in a lot of resistance in the dynamic which can manifest in a myriad of unhealthy ways. 

7. Respect: The way I would characterize respect is to see an individual, thing, or situation for what it is rather than what we want it to be, romanticizing said thing, or villainizing said thing. Having an accurate, well rounded perception, is incredibly important to know yourself and how you are to react to the thing you are relating to. This goes back to the whole discernment of boundaries peace but it also has to do with knowing when to walk away when a situation is not compatible with you. It means you aren't always going to force a situation without good reason and it means that you respect both yourself and the other party to know whether or not the dynamic is worth yall's time.  

Edited November 19, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Who TF Would I Be Without the Internet 

Ok straight off the bat, I know that I'm probably going to get some eye rolls from anyone older than me. Like I dead ass don't remember a time before the internet. I remember a time before I was on the internet and the first time I used it, but I don't remember a world completely without it. I remember being like 5 years old and walking into the computer room where my dad would do his work and ask him to come play with me or cuddle / read me stories before tucking me into bed. I remember back then just associating computers as the thing that adults used to do their jobs.  Then, when I was around 6-7 years old, I was talking to my friends and I discovered things like WebKinz, Club Penguin, cartoonnetwork.com etc. and after that I would spend like an hour or two on the computer everyday.  I wouldn't say that I was always online until I hit my early teens tbh. I was more so into catching pokemon on my nintendo ds and I would go online to figure out how to progress the plot line if there was a part I got stuck in. 

These thoughts came to me after watching a couple of videos on YouTube: 

I feel like I can imagine most of the scenarios on here but the stuff that was related to the internet would get to me. Don't remember which video talked about this but the one that got to me was the idea of a bunch of people arguing in a pub on what was the biggest ___ and what was the oldest ____ and not being able to fact check it then and there. Apparently, this problem is the reason why the Guinness Book of World Records exists. Another instance is about having to take chances when it came to discovering music at a music store or buying a whole album because you liked that one song on the radio only to hate the rest of the album. This isn't in any of the videos but imagining how to go about applying to jobs and colleges without the internet. I know that sounds hella dumb but it just seems like it would be such a hassle. 

But the main thing that messes with my head is how would I do my work without the internet. Especially with research for my classes are concerned. Like damn, I would actually have to spend a shit ton of time actually flipping through a bunch of books. I know that sounds hella dumb when I write it out and I probably sound like a boomer meme but I'm talking about spending a 30 min to an hour searching for a source, flipping through it, only to find out that it has nothing to do with what you're actually trying to research for class. This is going to sound even weirder but especially since the pandemic, the idea of printing out a paper and submitting that physically or in some cases taking tests physically feels kind of weird even though I have most definitely done that. Now that I think about it, I haven't had to take a physical test since the pandemic. Also, I haven't had to print out a paper since high school. Everything has been through our student portal thingy (my school uses Canvas, not sure about other schools). 

Also, how the fuck would the pandemic have played out if we didn't have the internet. Though the pandemic has been a mess, I wonder what things would be like if we couldn't use zoom or order shit online. Again, I know, dumb question because pandemics have been happening since before the internet... but still. 

I can for the most part see myself doing different recreational activities and socializing without the internet. Much of that is how during the summers I would travel to India to visit my family. My uncle didn't see the point on having the internet in the house since he only used it for work in his office. So, basically my cousins and I would annoy tf out of each other and explore our hobbies. I feel like I would be reading much more and painting/making more art rather than writing and searching up things to look into on YouTube. I think I would actually give a fuck about what's on TV (dead ass don't even watch it unless I'm back in my parent's house and they insist on me joining with them). I mean, I don't even really watch netflix like that either since I have found commentary channels on YouTube that fits my interests more. When it comes to socializing, I really don't use social media all that much. The occasional time I am on social media is when I feel like looking at memes or some shit. I would say that I mainly text my friends but it's usually just to coordinate on when/how to meet up. 

I feel like if the internet weren't a thing, my ADHD would have been much more annoying. Like with the internet, if I have a random question about something and I feel like looking into it more (like why does my generation have crack head humor), I can easily scratch that itch and figure things out myself by hyper focusing on a rabbit hole. Speaking of which, another thing that I wonder is what my opinions, values, sense of critical thinking, and how informed I am would look like if it weren't for the internet? I feel like the internet is such an integral part of how I have grown as a person, how I have educated myself, and how (excuse me for being dramatic) raised myself. I remember growing up because I didn't really have many adults I could talk to and because I knew that the adults around me were pretty immature and uninformed about various things so as a result I used the internet to figure out a bunch of things for myself. And that could range any where from *what is the affordable care act and why are people so worked up about it?* to *what is depression and childhood emotional neglect and how do you heal from it?* to *is god real, why or why not?*

I suppose the previous question about my opinions, values, and critical thinking are things that hit me the hardest. Perhaps it's because of how identified I am with being informed and growing as a person through self education. It's that and doing essential things to function my work, particularly in the event of applying to schools and jobs (dead ass I don't remember the last time I mailed documents anywhere), paying bills, searching up apartments etc. This is why nowadays you have people saying how internet is a basic human right and how if anyone becomes homeless, the most important thing is to help them get a phone and a laptop first or at the very least access to one from a library. Earlier this week, my phone broke and as a result, I couldn't access any school resources or my school email because there is a dual authentication thing that I have to do in addition to entering in my student ID and password. That has been hella annoying and caused a lot of inconveniences with my professors and people I have to work with for projects. And that's from limiting what I do on the internet, not taking it away entirely.  

Basically TLDR: the internet has been an important part of my daily life and functioning to where it's difficult to imagine what my life and identity would look like without it. 

Edited November 20, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[ZenRising]

On 20/11/2021 at 9:06 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Who TF Would I Be Without the Internet 

Ok straight off the bat, I know that I'm probably going to get some eye rolls from anyone older than me. Like I dead ass don't remember a time before the internet.

 

Well, I am a bit older than you (I'm pretty sure), and you can rest assured there will be no eye rolls from me...  ... I do remember the world before the internet... hell, I even remember having to dial phones with the weird rotary/circular ding-ding thing when I was a young child... ye olde internet has  become a fundamental and central factor in most of our lives by now though.... 

On 20/11/2021 at 9:06 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

I feel like if the internet weren't a thing, my ADHD would have been much more annoying.

... back before the intenet, ADHD wasn't a thing either.... hmmmm.... I'm pretty sure I had ADD as a child, but as it hadn't been recognised as a 'thing' it was generally referred to as 'being a little bollox' and dealt with accordingly... thankfully diagnostics and treatment seem to have improved a bit since then...