Instant Forgiveness

[Spiral]

A bit of backstory 
About a year ago i was not one to easily forgive people, i would hold a grudge over really small things and just waste mental/emotion energy thinking about it. This was about the time i start watching Self-help and spiritual videos/content.

For anonymity (Not actual names)

• William - A neighbor (student dormitory)
• Amanda - An other neighbor, the girl William likes (Allegedly)

Story 
Last Saturday i went to a party with a friend, at the party i meet my neighbor William and some friends of his. Me and William(and his friends) had partied before so i offered them some of my alcohol. We had fun talking/dancing with people, one of the people i spoke to briefly was Amanda.

I live in a student dormitory so after the party i  went to my kitchen and made myself a sandwich, drank some water. I heard some noise in the corridor and saw Amanda having some problems with a friend of hers, so i help out. After that i sat down with them and continued eating my sandwich.

When William came with a friend of his and saw me, he ask me to come with him to the kitchen, so i did. After entering he started to act aggressively so i keep my distances and sat down in a couch. After that i tried to see if there was anything i could do to help in a calm and friendly way. His response was "lick the floor". I refused in once again a calm and friendly way, after which he started beating and kicking me.Giving my face some serious bruising and than leaving because his friend stopped him.

We where both surprised that he would do that for no apparent reason, but some how immediately after each punch/kick i forgave him and even feeling bad for the pain he must suffer do to so. As if there was nothing to forgive....

This in turn relieved me of hatred of him and potentially regret. As well as him not needing to get hurt because of anger i could had towards him. I simply defensed myself trying to block/dodge his strikes 

I should also mention that i already have a girlfriend that he knows about and that him liking Amanda is a theory his friend had. 

How to implement this in your life
If you wish to attain this ability you need learn 3 things

1. Learn to recognize behavior/traits that indicate inner suffering, there are some obvious signs such as drugs, alcohol abuse and criminal activity. But there are also some less obvious signs like: Do they change a lot when they drink, do they play a lot of video games or have similar distractions. Do they have a very sex, sweets or some other pleasure seeking lifestyle. Are they fat, unattractive, lonely, heartbroken.... you name it, the list is endless

2. Learn to mirror the suffering to yours: Did you have a time where you suffered in your life? Did you remember treat people badly at the time and why?

Basically what you need to do is to understand that, they hurt people because they suffer and suffer even more because they hurt others i.e karma. As well as be able to empathize with it. (Empathy comes with age in case you are a teenager/kid and are currently lacking)

3. Allow yourself to forgive them without any conditions. You do not need them to ask for forgiveness or should remorse,  we are the same after all and they simply don't know it yet. If you want some "payback" know that what they did, will hurt them too in the long run.

Edited December 6, 2016 by Spiral

[laurastarla]

1 hour ago, Spiral said:

 

1. Learn to recognize behavior/traits that indicate inner suffering, there are some obvious signs such as drugs, alcohol abuse and criminal activity. But there are also some less obvious signs like: Do they change a lot when they drink, do they play a lot of video games or have similar distractions. Do they have a very sex, sweets or some other pleasure seeking lifestyle. Are they fat, unattractive, lonely, heartbroken.... you name it, the list is endless

 

Can we really say people who enjoy things like smoking pot and chasing sex are doing this out of suffering? Can't some people just enjoy these things like we enjoy seeking the truth, that is a kind of truth for them of what their life means (pleasure seeking and hedonism). If these things make them feel good? I know someone who fits this description perfectly, and I need to forgive him, but all I see is the fun he is having living this way and it might help me to see it as suffering - but I think he really just loves living this way and has found what works for him. And I'm jealous because it seems like he has this really passionate life, while I'm sitting here facing and accepting my freaking feelings every day and can't find my way, what makes me feel good.

[Spiral]

We are all suffering is some way, assuming we are not enlighten, He is simply trying to avoid it in his own way.

Weed: yes as it is suppress your the (sub)conscious thoughts bad/good that are created naturally, giving more "space" to think about what ever you like and be not by hindered by bad thoughts. I.e if you have a calm/good state of mind you will not like it if you use it recreationally.

Sex: Is a bit more tricky as we are suppose to enjoy it due to our biological need to reproduce, but a healthier mind will wish for love and intimacy instead of meaningless sex. So that the joy of seeing another in pleasure give us more pleasure than the sex itself.

I would look at like this way, he is escaping his suffering by having sex and smoking weed, quick fixes are never good and will lead to addiction and he will not be able to do them forever.What then?

Would you say that they have close and open friends, families -relationships? You can find much greater joy from kindness, closeness to others and friendships and the lack of this leads one into pleasure seeking. This is why religions often tells you to avoid it.

Side question if you want to share, are the freaking feelings constant or more based by your thoughts about yourself and/or the things around you. 

[laurastarla]

ha that last line made me laugh out loud. Yes the freaking feelings are constant and it's because the thoughts are constant and are triggered by everything around me. I've spent the last year practicing being present with these feelings and thoughts and letting them come, and they just keep coming and coming, for A YEAR. This guy has tons of friends and an amazing family, but yet I do sense he feels alone (because of guilt for the sex and pot), but that may be a projection.  Listen I am focusing on feeling bad by allowing all these bad feelings all the time, like festering, thinking i am 'working through them' and thats what I'm getting more of. I wonder if I am just re creating the same pain over and over. He is doing everything he can to feel good, getting rid of those bad thoughts and feelings quickly through external stimulation, and he gets more of feeling good. That's what it looks like and man it seems like a pretty good deal compared to what I'm doing. If he doesn't realize he is suffering - well is he??? and yes he can do it forever, he's been doing it for 20 years. So not only do I resent what he did, but also that he's living it up and I am stuck dealing with the aftermath. I loved what you said when you realized there was nothing to forgive. I would LOVE to get to that point of awareness.

[Spiral]

When it comes to friends/family members, it is not the amount that is important. It is the quality of the relationship that matters and to some extent the "quality" of the other individual.  

You mentioned that you have a feeling he might feeling lonely. I would guess if that is the case, that the many friends he has are primarily the type that you party/smoke with. Instead of the ones you can have a deeper connection with and rely on when you need support, this is especially common among  guys as the have a harder time opening them self's up to other men.

Not to mention the people that also do not try face or even recognize their problems by seek pleasure in that way. They have surrendered, no longer trying to solve but rather live with them. Recover from such a state is  very difficult as you often don't truly know the alternative and be look down upon by those who do. 

What i would do if i was in i were your shoes,i would be to try finding some whom have been thought something similar, or a friend you already have and create a strong bond and learning to open yourself up in a healthy way and with time create a deeper connection that can benefit you both from. From there i recommend also finding people seem whom have  a higher point of awareness and learn from them by spending time together and you will find happiness . This is not easy, i know this from experience and  it requires luck and determination.

I made my first real connection when i was 19 and i was the happiest I've ever been,it felt like i could see the world thought a new lens for the first time. One of happiness and positivity . All of my previous "friendships" were nothing more than a excuse to do the things i want to and could not do alone. 

Regarding my question, yes i admit i wrote that in a horrible way. what i was interested in knowing was, if the freaking feelings comes from thoughts or came randomly and were"inexplicable". If the thoughts that haunt you are conscious or subconscious in other words.

[laurastarla]

On 12/8/2016 at 6:41 PM, Spiral said:

what i was interested in knowing was, if the freaking feelings comes from thoughts or came randomly and were"inexplicable". If the thoughts that haunt you are conscious or subconscious in other words.

The freaking feelings seem super conscious, I'm painfully aware of them all them all the time. I watch the thought get triggered, the feeling come, then feel it. I'm interested in where you are going with this? They keep coming I think because they are connected to subconscious material of abandonment and feeling unlovable that I've had all my life, so I think this 'siutation' has become the embodiment of that, to bring it out, I guess. If i could forgive this, and look upon this person with love and kind wishes, and see this situation as coming for my good, to help me, instead of crying about why all the pain, that would be a huge key, maybe THE key.

Instead I focus on what he might be feeling now, strong probability you are right about his life, but still why is this so important to me? Because I want him to be suffering, which keeps me suffering. WTF I want to unravel this 'I' that thinks it needs things and let it all go, the same 'I'that want to unravel stuff. There's also a belief that pain is necessary for growth, that keeps me stuck too. Figments of my imagination are controlling me. Thanks for helping me think about this.

[Spiral]

First and foremost i should tell you, i am no master of spirituality or psychology. I have not studied it academically, nor experienced the same Issue. i'm simply a 20 year old guy, whom found an interested in this area because i was going thought a really rough time.

That begin said: I believe this comes from a  low level of self-esteem and/or self-worth. A feeling that you are not worthy of love and affection and there for you feel bound for betrayal and abandonment. But you are and so are we all, it's a cruel world and it saddens me that you do not agree. 

You need to learn, is to love yourself and value yourself for who you are first. Because it's is a lot easier to empathize when you have seen the light and right now there is only suffering and darkness. So you lack the perspective to see the other side and therefore you cant forgive him.

I would recommend this video (a bit long and messy):

 

4 hours ago, laurastarla said:

There's also a belief that pain is necessary for growth

Yes i  too hold this belief. To grow stronger you must first suffer, in both muscle and mind. What makes you strong is overcoming it. 

 

[Aware]

Well written down Spiral, well done!

 

Someone who is awakened to the level that we do in essence not differ from one another even for a moment, is not entangled with hate towards others, he is like a church bell that is broken, no matter how hard one hits or kicks; no sound will be produced in return.

No hard words, no wrongful act when harmed, always doing good, surely such a person is the example of what the enlightened stage is.

Edited December 18, 2016 by Motus