Trauma, my ego

[Esilda]

reposting... 

What I want in a man?

Preface: presently my partner and I are on a break. We need our values redefined. 

#1. Loyalty - I am a loyal person and I expect absolute loyalty.

#2. Growth - I am growth oriented and I want a partner who is more evolved than me but not too much more evolved to be a part of my growth and me there's.

#3. Supportive - I want a partner who will support me through all of my struggles as I will theirs.

#4. Loving - I want my partner to be extremely loving as I am extremely loving. I have a couple of attachment issues but if given the right space and attitude I can "make sense of it all" as we go along.

#5. Height - You must be taller than me but not by too much. I am 5'3, I want to be with a guy that is at least 5'5.

#6. Dominant - I want a dominant man who knows what he wants, who forms his own views of the world and has a clear direction and focus.

#7. World focus - I want to be with a guy that wants to be a part of changing the world as this is what I really want to be a part of I just don't have a complete direction to help me there but I have a lot of ideas.

#8. No players, gamers - You may see a lot of women or something like this but its not like that's a core part of your life, you ultimately want to find a certain woman who you can stand by and she can stand by you. You get how toxic the dating market it and instead of believing that women just go along with that market you'd prefer to find a woman who sees through it too rather than trying to play the game.

#9. Creative - creativity is like my most important on part with number one but these things... I am not the most creative person but the guy I want to be with has to be super creative. That's just what I value. I will follow his lead if he is above me.

#10. Trust - you have to trust me and I have to trust you. I've been hurt so like the attachment stuff I mentioned right? Take it slow, one step at a time and even if we accidentally hurt each other... Faith if the chemistry is there.

 

They're like... my top ten... for now... 

 

Adding some more:

#11. Sexually experienced - I have only been with 3 people my entire life, though I know my stuff. Society has both pushed me to be promiscuous and not, I have just stayed true to my inner intuition and kept myself contained. All of my sexual experiences have led to a relationship and I expect nothing different. I don't care how many people you have been with just so long as its not too much but I need you to know things that I don't know. I want to be shown new things, I want to explore new things.

#12. Life purpose - I want our life purpose to be aligned. Even if it isn't at the moment, are we working together to join forces on something? My father and mother ran a business together, I just loved that. They had their bickering every so often, sometimes daily in some ways but they always sorted things out with each other. No, we don't have to get married or married right away. My present partner is a doctor in the hospital I work in, I really feel though that we may be coming to an end though so many new things are coming up for me in my life at the moment that I'm unsure.

#13. Mental toughness - I am not the most mentally tough woman, I'll admit that hands down. But I need my man to be mentally tough. I WILL I WILL I WILL I WILL do my best and I am doing my best to get more mentally tough each day. I want my man to help me. My COOPERATION. THAT I can give you. My love... THAT I can give you. I just have some weaknesses here so I need some accommodation. On this area though I need my man to be strong.

I'll be the first woman to admit that sometimes, I just lose my shit. I do. Are you still going to be there for me? I will admit my mistakes. 

#14. Not a porn addict. LOL I'm just struggling to come up with more at the moment. Why porn? I've just excluded 99.99% of guys here maybe  . Is that totally a bad thing though? 

#15. Sense of humour. YeS. SenSe. Of. HuMoR.

 

#16. is moving to enlightenment... wants to be enlightened... understands enlightenment...

I'm... in case you haven't noticed yet.... not enlightened... but it defeats the purpose... this is where the life of creation and love is taking me to at this point in my life... my present partner/bf (we're on a break)... just isn't interested in these ideas / not open minded enough for me.... I want to be with a guy that is more advanced than me as well on these subjects because I've been so departed from that in my regular life... i just have.. regular joes if you get me in my social life... which is good... fine... lovely... its not though where i am moving romantically / is not where I am moving for a lifelong partner 

 

#17. Secure Attachment Style - are you insecure coz I'm not. Yeah. The more secure the better. Double standards I know but I do make up for it in other ways... I make an awesome dinner... . I'm not desperate though I do want love and know how to give it. I have an anxious preoccupied attachment style, I don't care what you were before other than caring about your history but I need you to have a secure attachment style now for where you are in your history. I just... I can't deal with all the stuff that comes with other attachment styles, my own insecurities are enough to deal with 

stuff on the anxious attachment style - https://integrativelifecenter.com/wellness-blog/anxious-preoccupied-attachment/#:~:text=Anxious preoccupied attachment is an,our relationships later in life.

 

 

#18. Traveling - I have been wanting to travel for quite some time, I have money saved up. About 8 years ago I traveled to South America all the way up to Canada (so including the USA) then I went throughout Europe. I traveled for about 3 years with my boyfriend at the time. There are other countries I wish to visit when COVID becomes looser I'd like to take the opportunity to go with my partner of this time, whoever this is going to be (my break with my boyfriend is mutual, we have known each other a while, he has tried to take in my interests but doesn't go the whole way).

I can make compromises/negotiate.

 

#19. Organised - be organised as I am not the most organised person. I can get frazzled pretty easily. I need help keeping order with things. I can follow routines and I don't mind cleaning I just need someone helping me there. I need a guy to be a planner and strategiser, someone that thinks of the future as I'm more in the moment, experiencing the full spectrum of life. Sometimes too much in my past but really its just being in touch with everything

 

#20. Be well groomed and fit - I want a guy that grooms himself well and looks after his body well. 

 

#21. No reckless activities - you may have done reckless stuff in the past and even in the present but with me, the only reckless things I feel are warranted are like.... if I need you to protect me. So hobbies like skydiving, rock climbing in risky places are a no go. I want you with me for as long as possible if we're a match.

 

These are just confident guidelines... like I'm open to chatting about to find where the balance is... however I have to state clearly what I want and it feels so liberating for me that I'm getting more confident doing that for myself  

 

Edited March 13, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

8 hours ago, Esilda said:

reposting... 

What I want in a man?

Preface: presently my partner and I are on a break. We need our values redefined. 

#1. Loyalty - I am a loyal person and I expect absolute loyalty.

#2. Growth - I am growth oriented and I want a partner who is more evolved than me but not too much more evolved to be a part of my growth and me there's.

#3. Supportive - I want a partner who will support me through all of my struggles as I will theirs.

#4. Loving - I want my partner to be extremely loving as I am extremely loving. I have a couple of attachment issues but if given the right space and attitude I can "make sense of it all" as we go along.

#5. Height - You must be taller than me but not by too much. I am 5'3, I want to be with a guy that is at least 5'5.

#6. Dominant - I want a dominant man who knows what he wants, who forms his own views of the world and has a clear direction and focus.

#7. World focus - I want to be with a guy that wants to be a part of changing the world as this is what I really want to be a part of I just don't have a complete direction to help me there but I have a lot of ideas.

#8. No players, gamers - You may see a lot of women or something like this but its not like that's a core part of your life, you ultimately want to find a certain woman who you can stand by and she can stand by you. You get how toxic the dating market it and instead of believing that women just go along with that market you'd prefer to find a woman who sees through it too rather than trying to play the game.

#9. Creative - creativity is like my most important on part with number one but these things... I am not the most creative person but the guy I want to be with has to be super creative. That's just what I value. I will follow his lead if he is above me.

#10. Trust - you have to trust me and I have to trust you. I've been hurt so like the attachment stuff I mentioned right? Take it slow, one step at a time and even if we accidentally hurt each other... Faith if the chemistry is there.

 

They're like... my top ten... for now... 

 

Adding some more:

#11. Sexually experienced - I have only been with 3 people my entire life, though I know my stuff. Society has both pushed me to be promiscuous and not, I have just stayed true to my inner intuition and kept myself contained. All of my sexual experiences have led to a relationship and I expect nothing different. I don't care how many people you have been with just so long as its not too much but I need you to know things that I don't know. I want to be shown new things, I want to explore new things.

#12. Life purpose - I want our life purpose to be aligned. Even if it isn't at the moment, are we working together to join forces on something? My father and mother ran a business together, I just loved that. They had their bickering every so often, sometimes daily in some ways but they always sorted things out with each other. No, we don't have to get married or married right away. My present partner is a doctor in the hospital I work in, I really feel though that we may be coming to an end though so many new things are coming up for me in my life at the moment that I'm unsure.

#13. Mental toughness - I am not the most mentally tough woman, I'll admit that hands down. But I need my man to be mentally tough. I WILL I WILL I WILL I WILL do my best and I am doing my best to get more mentally tough each day. I want my man to help me. My COOPERATION. THAT I can give you. My love... THAT I can give you. I just have some weaknesses here so I need some accommodation. On this area though I need my man to be strong.

I'll be the first woman to admit that sometimes, I just lose my shit. I do. Are you still going to be there for me? I will admit my mistakes. 

#14. Not a porn addict. LOL I'm just struggling to come up with more at the moment. Why porn? I've just excluded 99.99% of guys here maybe  . Is that totally a bad thing though? 

#15. Sense of humour. YeS. SenSe. Of. HuMoR.

 

#16. is moving to enlightenment... wants to be enlightened... understands enlightenment...

I'm... in case you haven't noticed yet.... not enlightened... but it defeats the purpose... this is where the life of creation and love is taking me to at this point in my life... my present partner/bf (we're on a break)... just isn't interested in these ideas / not open minded enough for me.... I want to be with a guy that is more advanced than me as well on these subjects because I've been so departed from that in my regular life... i just have.. regular joes if you get me in my social life... which is good... fine... lovely... its not though where i am moving romantically / is not where I am moving for a lifelong partner 

 

#17. Secure Attachment Style - are you insecure coz I'm not. Yeah. The more secure the better. Double standards I know but I do make up for it in other ways... I make an awesome dinner... . I'm not desperate though I do want love and know how to give it. I have an anxious preoccupied attachment style, I don't care what you were before other than caring about your history but I need you to have a secure attachment style now for where you are in your history. I just... I can't deal with all the stuff that comes with other attachment styles, my own insecurities are enough to deal with 

stuff on the anxious attachment style - https://integrativelifecenter.com/wellness-blog/anxious-preoccupied-attachment/#:~:text=Anxious preoccupied attachment is an,our relationships later in life.

 

 

#18. Traveling - I have been wanting to travel for quite some time, I have money saved up. About 8 years ago I traveled to South America all the way up to Canada (so including the USA) then I went throughout Europe. I traveled for about 3 years with my boyfriend at the time. There are other countries I wish to visit when COVID becomes looser I'd like to take the opportunity to go with my partner of this time, whoever this is going to be (my break with my boyfriend is mutual, we have known each other a while, he has tried to take in my interests but doesn't go the whole way).

I can make compromises/negotiate.

 

#19. Organised - be organised as I am not the most organised person. I can get frazzled pretty easily. I need help keeping order with things. I can follow routines and I don't mind cleaning I just need someone helping me there. I need a guy to be a planner and strategiser, someone that thinks of the future as I'm more in the moment, experiencing the full spectrum of life. Sometimes too much in my past but really its just being in touch with everything

 

#20. Be well groomed and fit - I want a guy that grooms himself well and looks after his body well. 

 

#21. No reckless activities - you may have done reckless stuff in the past and even in the present but with me, the only reckless things I feel are warranted are like.... if I need you to protect me. So hobbies like skydiving, rock climbing in risky places are a no go. I want you with me for as long as possible if we're a match.

 

These are just confident guidelines... like I'm open to chatting about to find where the balance is... however I have to state clearly what I want and it feels so liberating for me that I'm getting more confident doing that for myself  

 

 

wat the daily spice says us ladies should be going for 

https://thedailyspice.com/qualities-of-a-good-man/

struggling to come up with ideas.... financial security... looks... these are just too cultural and well known

#6. tho, I'm not a career woman... i found that one a bit weird

#8. sounds a bit too unrealistic, just that use of the word "perfect"

 

 

Edited March 13, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

anyone else find it weird that "they" never seem to talk about the perfect emotional control of a woman? 

these sorts of things often seem so one sided and narrow.

it feels disempowering  to me as a woman as well for emotional control is what I'm trying to build within myself as I know how stressful my own reactions can sometimes be for others. We're just expected to be 'irrational', when there's something more here.

to just expect my partner, even my now present bf that I'm on a break with to always put up with my stuff no matter what is just something I never asked of him  . He's a bit neglectful though as well, he also doesn't really seem to fully understand his emotions. It feels like these things really lack balance, who r we listening to? 

I need help with a lot of things but I'm not stupid either after-all my job involves me always helping. It feels very "boxy", square peg in a round hole anyone? 

 

For my list above:

22. Emotional understanding and emotional maturity

I don't really know what to write here yet only that I would try to match it.

 

 

Edited March 14, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

 

 

Changed my profile photo = undesirable attention on the forum.

 

Feeling like I'm being gawked at by guys here.

 

Just makes me feel weird.

 

 

 

[Esilda]

 

 

 

NO MORE UNDESIRED GAWKERS

 

NO MORE UNDESIRED SEXUALLY EXPLICIT PM'S

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly.... Flattered  but... NO.

I've made it perfectly clear that I have a bf that we're just on a break right now.

 

It's been rather weird anyway... observing my own face constantly... its made me feel a little insecure actually, noticing all of my little flaws... I feel much freer being myself on here without my own face as my profile picture 

 

Feeling good, feeling refreshed, feeling cosy, about to go the afternoon spa  .

 

 

[Esilda]

2 hours ago, Esilda said:

 

 

 

NO MORE UNDESIRED GAWKERS

 

NO MORE UNDESIRED SEXUALLY EXPLICIT PM'S

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly.... Flattered  but... NO.

I've made it perfectly clear that I have a bf that we're just on a break right now.

 

It's been rather weird anyway... observing my own face constantly... its made me feel a little insecure actually, noticing all of my little flaws... I feel much freer being myself on here without my own face as my profile picture 

 

Feeling good, feeling refreshed, feeling cosy, about to go the afternoon spa  .

 

 

 

 

 

I am a fear prone animal so please be sweet and kind  .

 

A clear "N...O" to dick pics.

(won't have to worry about anymore  )

And yes to pictures of cute animals! 

 

Thank yoU!
 

...  last time I put up a picture of myself publicly though yikes!  ...

 

 

Edited March 14, 2022 by Esilda

[RickyFitts]

Ugh, I'm so sorry you were subjected to that, that must have felt so violating. 

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts Oh its NOT that lol, just simply not interested in the persons. Impress then there won't be distress! 

 

 

NEW TRANSITION!   

 

Moving forward... Somewhere within me.... this journal is now dedicated to my transition from trauma to my journey to enlightenment.

My body has felt so "activated" throughout my life that I have to spend a lot more time deconditioning a lot of my behaviour.

For whatever that's worth.. Jumping into that mystery.... 

Edited March 14, 2022 by Esilda

[RickyFitts]

@Esilda Okay good, glad to hear it.  

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts thank you for being supportive it really means a lot to me, I would have left the forum a lot earlier otherwise if people weren't  . People reaching out has helped a lot in the past  

Edited March 14, 2022 by Esilda

[RickyFitts]

@Esilda You're so welcome, you're one of those people I just instinctively liked from the start so I'm glad if I could help.  People reached out to me in the past when I was having a really hard time, too, so I know just what a blessing that can be.  

[Loba]

@RickyFitts He's reaching out cause you're a cute girl.  That's it.  No bravery or valiance at all.  None.

"Nice guy"

Edited March 14, 2022 by Loba

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts I feel the same way Ricky  . I felt really insecure sometimes here and peoples comments really helped me a lot  .

@Loba Cute sunset  . Thank you as well Loba, you were one of the first people to make me feel welcome on the forum.

Edited March 14, 2022 by Esilda

[RickyFitts]

13 minutes ago, Loba said:

@RickyFitts He's reaching out cause you're a cute girl.  That's it.  No bravery or valiance at all.  None.

"Nice guy"

Excuse me? Are you second-guessing my motives when you don't know the first thing about me?

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts @Loba Respectfully, please take any dispute you two may have with one another via PM.

Thanks so much to the both of you for being supportive .

Let's keep the energy here right .

[Loba]

@RickyFitts I'm spot on dude.  Nice guy... I mean.

You're nice to hot chick here, not just PEOPLE.. in general.  You have an agenda.
You're a hound.

[RickyFitts]

@Loba Respect Esilda's wishes, Loba, this is her thread.

[Loba]

@RickyFitts https://people.com/pets/the-ugliest-dogs-in-the-world/
Also, I didn't get her message, hound dog.
"Here, respect her wishes while I respond to you."

You're not a good person.

You follow women around on here too much.  Focus on yourself.

Edited March 15, 2022 by Loba

[Esilda]

@Loba I've commented a lot on other peoples journals as well though, I don' tget it 

I don't want to stop either, I like socialising .

@RickyFitts its alright darl nothing to worry about  just take it in ur stride .

Hoping you can join too Loba. Peacefully 

Edited March 15, 2022 by Esilda

[RickyFitts]

I only have eyes for one woman, Loba (I mentioned my relationship with her to Esilda privately recently), I like Esilda but I've always thought of her as a favourite sister.

Edited March 15, 2022 by RickyFitts