Trauma, my ego

[Esilda]

I really hope I'm not being irresponsible here, to me the most responsible thing just seems to be to follow my deepest spiritual guidance, I mean, hello sister (talking to myself) this shouldn't be the hardest thing to unpack right?

Our paths are aligned.

So its perfectly in tune anyway.

I just have enormous fear.

But I really and truly have nothing to lose by just calmly pacing myself. 

Edited September 7, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

For everything that has happened I will let the deepest of forgiveness and acceptance wash over me and surrender myself towards my highest calling on this path.

 

[RickyFitts]

@Esilda You're amazing, honestly, love you so much darl 

[RickyFitts]

8 hours ago, Marcel said:

@Esilda @RickyFitts 

This song used to be the anthem of my life, overwhelmed but keeping going.

 

Wow bro, that's dark - but beautiful, too  

8 hours ago, Marcel said:

 

 

Nice 

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts   

===============================

 

To myself,

Fear, fear, fear go away.

Insecurity, insecurity, insecurity go away.

I know I still have to learn from you.

I know this calling that is coming from the deepest part of my being has made this path uniquely suited to my greatest struggles in life.

So... No matter what inner struggles, doubts, dissonances, fears or whatever kind of potential that springs up....

Realise... its a part of the journey. It's a part o the journey.

This is meant to happen. It's just like a scary part of a video game. That's all it is.

I just need to stay calm, love myself and move towards my spiritual growth.

Ease the pressure.

[RickyFitts]

@Esilda   

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel Like it! 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel nice. 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel as far as I can go with Stage Red.

 

[Esilda]

Letting this journal go now everyone  .

I'm ready to take the next step to a different place plus all my other queries are being answered outside of this journal now anyway  .

[RickyFitts]

2 hours ago, Esilda said:

I'm ready to take the next step to a different place plus all my other queries are being answered outside of this journal now anyway  .

Wonderful, that's great to hear  

[Esilda]

Back here  .

One step back...

I need to work on my validation and approval seeking tendencies.

Question to me, how is my lack of confidence related to my need for validation?

How is it at all sustainable for me to maintain my confidence if I need the approval of other people?

I feel like I'm at square one though at the same time I know I'm not, I've made a lot of progress with this journal it just seems that I have more work than I realised.

[Esilda]

I feel so stupid, I wish I had of stayed here on the forum working through my shit. The lights of my own romances of been fogging my vision once again. I feel like I can't find the right guy for me and each time I feel I do I end up throwing myself at him and then I end up like a doormat.

I feel so wounded, last Friday night I was really looking forward to going on a date but I was stood up. He never even bothered to reply to me. The next day I flooded his messages and he finally got back to me on the Sunday and I felt like a puppet on strings. I don't know how to pull back. I feel like I don't know the real me inside.

Each time I get triggered I have fears of abandonment rush up and I don't know what to do and either run away or go in the opposite direction. I feel like I'm obsessing over this guy and every time I obsess the guy just ends up having complete control over my will and I don't know what to do anymore. I have to learn to regulate my emotions better.

This life? What is this life? I feel like my emotions continually lead me in the wrong direction. I feel so stupid sometimes and then other times I feel so angry. A part of me just wants to feel acknowledged and then another part of me hates the need and then another part of me just wants love and then another part of me feels lost and confused. 

I'm starting the wim hof method.

[Esilda]

Have sent all my important people here a PM  so sorry I've been gone  

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts you're such a darl face  thank you for sending me a reply message , you've always been so warm and kind what a lucky lady you have :, right now I am prepping for work, nursing has always been so stressful for me, I've just always wanted to help people, I've thought about quitting my job, I just need therapy though I know this I start next week, I have a lot of anxieties I have to work through and I know they're not just normal sensitivities but on the other hand I know I'm super sensitive as well which is why I have my brain to disentangle too  . Remember for us ladies we've had to deal with the world with so much more feeling, I feel that most guys don't fully get that if you're also super sensitive you're like a magnet for weekly cathartic pain releases  . Monthly. So remember your girl like this. 

Love Ricky. Love. Thx sweety you've always lit up this forum 

[RickyFitts]

@Esilda Aw, you're too kind - but thank you.  You've always been such a sweetheart so I just wish the absolute best for you, I know how incredibly hard life can be when you're highly sensitive (and I understand how extra-hard it can be for women, as you say, with all the pressures and hormonal fluctuations you have to deal with) so I really hope the therapy's helpful for you, lovely. <3

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts please, anytime u feel the impulse comment on my journal I would love to hear of ur insights on anything i say!  

Work was sooo exhausting! With all this anxiety I tend to overanalyse everything. THat's what people say to me, sometimes it seems like they're gaslighting, like they say it in a humorous way and then when i'm suspcicious is when they say it in a serious way like if they really really cared about me then they would sit me down and care for me. I am trying not to analyse things though, I just feel that I need to have a continual conversation with my intuition!?!?!? You get what I mean, if you get what I've journalled about so far, if you've read my journal here, then you get me I am still strict on my boundaries but I am doing my best to keep my heart open and not feel too wounded here. Sometimes when peopl say I overanalyse I feel like going off into my own imaginatoin and dissociating. Analysing grounds me, I have to be in touch with my feelings all thet ime and if I"m not who am I? My feelings are my access to my patients and my patients are why I keep doing what I do as a nurse. I empathise thoguh sometimes with family members or anyone that I've known a lot that feel like I'm saying so much, they just don't get tthat my brain is go go go and that's how I have to be. I have to explore, I have to know I have to find my peace because sometimes you have no idea this world inside is so chatoic for me. My blood sweat and tears are not worthless in this world, just because i am emotional doesn't give you the right to discredit my efforts, to try to take away from my dignity, to look down on me. I have to start becoming the star of my own journey again, and cry and say FUCK as much as I need to through my intuition to help me get there. One day, staying in my own personal resolve will set me free, i will no longer have the problems that i do and it will be because I stayed true to myself even if i fucked up sometimes. Can't wait. Reality though, speed up? \

[RickyFitts]

7 hours ago, Esilda said:

@RickyFitts please, anytime u feel the impulse comment on my journal I would love to hear of ur insights on anything i say!  

Will do, darl.  

RE anxiety and over-analysing things, that's something I really struggled with a few years back in the wake of a traumatic break-up, the anxiety became severe and near-continuous and it took me the best part of a year to come to terms with it. What I came to realise about my own neurotic mental activity during this period was that it was a way my mind was attempting to deal with strong emotions that felt overwhelming - the mental activity was essentially a coping strategy, which is something I developed from a very young age I suspect (I was a very sensitive, troubled child, and I wasn't living in an environment that was emotionally supportive so I didn't learn to healthily process my emotions).

What ultimately helped me was to shift attention out of thinking and into my body, because we can't think our way to emotional resolution - 'you can only heal what you can feel', as Teal Swan so astutely observed. Sounds simple enough in theory, but it was hugely challenging in practice because I'd become very emotionally shut down and consequently had a lot of trauma and upset stored in my body. So you do have to persevere with whichever practice you choose if you do decide to go down that route (for me personally I've found 'do nothing' meditation or simple breath meditation most effective, though yoga was also a life-saver when my anxiety was at its worst, mindfully stretching your body can work wonders to alleviate bodily tension I've found).

Really hope that's helpful, darl, because I know just how debilitating anxiety can be. ?

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts The hospital felt crazy today I didn't get enough sleep! I'm right nowwwww reading your message while I barely keep my eyes open lol! 

 

Edited March 11, 2022 by Esilda

[RickyFitts]

@Esilda Oh no, poor you! You take it nice and easy then darl, you need to rest.