Trauma, my ego

[Preety_India]

24 minutes ago, Esilda said:

@lxlichael do you have time to answer my questions tonight? Just some of them. 

You might as well lay down the red carpet while you're at it. 

[Preety_India]

@lxlichael ahahahahahaha. Your music is my carpet. I can walk all over it and  it still looks brand new. 

 

[Esilda]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

You might as well lay down the red carpet while you're at it. 

He said like now TWO DAYS ago that he would reply  , I'm being polite about the fact that he's on thin ice  . 

...I feel its more than two days actually, like there was other stuff as well (no resting bitch face here its okay  )

Edited September 6, 2021 by Esilda

[Preety_India]

@Esilda no worries. I'll turn up the heat in the interrogation room with him. Just joking haha. 

 

[Esilda]

33 minutes ago, lxlichael said:

The icy water is cooler than you anyhow.

I may walk the dork (walk ~ with you @RickyFitts  ~ ) but two warm bodies in the cold are still better than one  .

Anyhow, I want you to stay away for tonight because I have entires I want to add to this journal and I don't need you interrupting me.

Edited September 6, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

@Preety_India we both will ROFL  !!!

[Preety_India]

@Esilda

[RickyFitts]

1 hour ago, Esilda said:

I may walk the dork (walk ~ with you @RickyFitts  ~ ) but two warm bodies in the cold are still better than one  .

Anyhow, I want you to stay away for tonight because I have entires I want to add to this journal and I don't need you interrupting me.

Any time, darl, any time!  

[Esilda]

@lxlichael a part of me feels like I have no idea who I'm dealing with even though I've read so much of your writing but then another part of me is too curious to find out how your mind ticks  

Take as much time as you need .

Edited September 7, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

To myself (inspired by one of my girlfriends on the forum),

Feel into your your heart.

Feel into your gut.

This is all a brand new start.

But always remember your but.

I must stay true to who I am.

For destiny may turn me into the damned.

Love into me so true, so that I can love him (whoever he is) too.

(thank you girlfriend your example is so beautiful for us all!  )

[Esilda]

To myself,

Every nail I polish makes my heart quiver.

I move into my femininity much more than I see infinity.

In my heart though, nature shows me my spirit.

Through all of my trauma, all of those ghosts.

Mother Nature blesses me with her love.

Where all those ghosts, are torn apart.

Where I now get to feel and be a full woman.

With every colour I choose, sprinkles love of every part of me.

Never missing a side, with every brush stroke I slowly see what's truly me.

When the polish has set, I now feel complete.

(inspired by my girlfriend here again  )

Edited September 7, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

Okay, so we've just had a new person move onto our floor and they're super, super strango and I'm writing about them now because for whatever reason I feel triggered by them a little, I feel some of my more... unpleasant memories come to the surface more whenever I see them around. I won't say whether they're male or female as I don't want anything I say to trigger anyone else, but yeah I've just never really had that with people before I wonder what its like for others. I was blow drying my hair for example after I was washing up and I even felt their presence as they were leaving even though I didn't hear anything through the sound. I just got this odd feeling there was this presence, so I wandered quickly to my front door and I just see them leaving it was so surreal. 

Anywho, this is me just trying to understand how our minds can bring back or trigger memories from associations and even just feeling, its all new territory for me as well because I've just never felt into myself like I'm now learning to do I've spent a lot of my time just dissociating and feeling fragmented.  

[Esilda]

I shouldn't be so judgemental I know I'm just triggered by them, after-all I know I probably come off as at least a little strange to at least some people, its really just the energy you know. The energy has been really strange for me and the person keeps bringing a lot of different things up for me.

[Esilda]

@Marcel Share your experiences here?  

[Esilda]

To myself.

He doesn't know you within, he never even tried. Find a guy that wants to see the real you. Your father nor your mother were role models for finding love even if they're still together. What guy wants to learn through life truly with me.

 

[Esilda]

@Marcel Take your time  .

 

 

[Esilda]

To myself,

Why do I play these games with myself? Why do I destroy things that could have been so good? 

Life is clearly teaching me right now to go inwards and grow so that I can be ready for my true love (thank you sister).

My love is... so so deep. I cannot lie to myself about it anymore. I've said this a thousand times before to myself but it must end, I must get through enough of my trauma that we can align properly with each other. 

I was ignoring these signals within myself because of my trauma but I have to surrender to this higher calling.

I have to trust in something greater than myself. 

I can't describe darkness, I can only feel it. 

I have to listen and just stop talking about my problems all the time. 

Listen to the deeper realms of life in calmness and move as much as I can peacefully towards this higher calling.

This energy doesn't just appear out of no where, its unmistakable, its never happened in my life.

So I won't pretend it happens more than once in a lifetime.

This is the secret I must remind myself, to not take it for granted.

I must act like this could only happen once in my life until I've really discovered what is real about all of this.

[Esilda]

7 minutes ago, Marcel said:

@Esilda

I heard the first song i posted earlier only yesterday for the first time.

But it sucked me right back into the past. 

When i was sitting in front of my computer all day, my mom coming in from time to time and telling me she would kill her self and threatening that she would jump infront of a train.

I don´t know what it is about this song that resonates with me so much.

Maybe is is the artist C-Mob on the first song that triggered all of these memories.

My mind running through my schedule in my teen years

3 am getting woken up by my mom with a friendly "I will kill myself today"

7 am getting out of bed after breaking my mind for 4 hours how i would get through this day again.

7:45 am school starts, im always there on 7:43 on time, because i don´t want to stand around in front of the classroom for too long.

1 pm, the typical school day ends and i walk to my grandparents house to eat lunch

1:30 pm I arrive, i eat lunch with my grandparents, like always my grandpa has to start a toxic argument, even when im there

2:30 pm I get home, my mom stands in the door way and i can see that she cried again and say "im still here" as per usual

3pm i set myself infront of my Pc, play video games listen to music, do my homework 

11pm I go to sleep

 

Rinse and repeat that was my day and the first song i posted fully got me back in to the way i felt back then.

Just hoping that i can make it through this hell.

Well im here now. So i guess i made it after all.

@Marcel That was really brave of you to share that with me, thank you  . 

I will write back to you on this one  .

[Esilda]

To myself,

This unmistakable feeling, it washes all over my body.

Even though there's so much I can't communicate right now about this, all of these walls will come down eventually I know it.

Everything will appear as it is meant to. 

I just have to feel into my soul continuously and listen to life.

Life would not mislead me in this way.

As I'm not dreaming anything up here, its pure feeling, its pure love and it washes all over me. 

There may be trauma but I know in my heart, deep within my heart that it will all whither away for the better.

This love is. Totally undeniable. 

So I will surrender to the truth that it will slowly reveal to me.

I will not allow myself to be in denial about it any longer nor will I allow myself to take myself away from the deeper growth that life is wishing for me to undergo at this time in my life and deep within my spirit.

[Esilda]

11 minutes ago, Esilda said:

To myself,

This unmistakable feeling, it washes all over my body.

Even though there's so much I can't communicate right now about this, all of these walls will come down eventually I know it.

Everything will appear as it is meant to. 

I just have to feel into my soul continuously and listen to life.

Life would not mislead me in this way.

As I'm not dreaming anything up here, its pure feeling, its pure love and it washes all over me. 

There may be trauma but I know in my heart, deep within my heart that it will all whither away for the better.

This love is. Totally undeniable. 

So I will surrender to the truth that it will slowly reveal to me.

I will not allow myself to be in denial about it any longer nor will I allow myself to take myself away from the deeper growth that life is wishing for me to undergo at this time in my life and deep within my spirit.

I told myself that I would follow this all the way to the end to discover the real meaning, no matter what happened.

'No matter what happened'. 

I have to be braver than my trauma and sensitivities that hold me back. Not to stretch beyond my means but to listen and follow what life is truly trying to tell me in the subtlest way.

I have to fill my doubts with love and understanding, realise that they just come from my memories and life's experiences. 

I'm putting my name on the dotted line, this is the contract I am signing with the universe in this moment and I am not looking back from here.

I will embrace and learn from what comes.