Trauma, my ego

[Esilda]

10 hours ago, lxlichael said:

@Esilda Concerning Star Wars (you mentioned on one of my journals), I enjoyed it for its time. I'm at the point where I can't sit down and enjoy a film or show unless its a bonding experience with another person now though, so its like I either need to be stimulated with oxytocin with the person I'm with or the show is just 'on my level'. The latter isn't going to happen anymore so it becomes an exercise of simply analysing culture, you mentioned you studied sociology? It runs parallel to my experience of most forms of entertainment. When I'm with someone though its so fascinating because then my mind becomes all about empathising with the person that I'm watching it with.

Hmm... Do you find that this is different for films where the acting is just amazing and it requires you to use a lot of empathy to take in the emotional richness of the film? I think I just found a flaw in how you view entertainment, that this is an exception to how you normally process things.... Please tell me if I'm wrong though that's just my intuition... ... because if you're there happy to empathise with the experience of the person enjoying the film, surely in the case of great acting and moments that require strong empathy in a well done film that still might be pretty culturally skewed... you'd be still having the same response.... My guess is strong character profile films that align here would be best here for you.

[Esilda]

I'm intuiting that I coudl predict a lot more things about you based on your answers here as well, also if I asked a few more questions...

Quote

One exercise that I recommend is listing all of the negatives and weaknesses of the person inclusive of their character to establish the patterns for understanding their actions. You seem to be a fan of Jordan Peterson's work, right (you linked a video on one of the previous pages)? What he talks about as you know is the idea of how damaging events can leave massive holes in our maps of reality and the dissonance of that can in your words, damage and bring dissonance to the heart. It isn't until we fill in the holes on maps that our hearts will adequately begin to heal and I think the work you're doing that is on the right page here especially your pursuit in implementing what I talk about in Flow Social (journal), they're highly related and I believe that if you connected all three this would provide you with the substance you need to move forward, if not at least make some progress on important areas. To look at this from a higher level of abstraction, we an see all of these from the constituents of self awareness, awareness rests on our maps and reflexively moves back and fourth between the known and unknown in this way which has a direct link to our hearts, signal/ratio here, so its important to see that its not that there's a problem with self awareness but that self awareness is an important part of healing where we actively take part in bringing greater awareness to the understanding of self inclusive of heart by subjecting awareness to organising itself relative to the distinct parts of self. "Filling in the holes of our map" is analogous to "catering to all the aspects of self / filling those holes", to become whole. 

@lxlichael You're totally right but its such a drag, I'm not a superwoman with my awareness yet. You still haven't got back to me about active listening but I'm finding what I said was useful in how I said I would apply it to heart work.

I feel that I'm definitely starting to Map your Meanings more and more . I hope this is a case of you don't mind at all.

Edited September 2, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

To all of my emotional spaces,

You surround me, you hold me, you nurse me, you heal me, you hurt me, you move in all sorts of ways that you define me. 

With every texture, colour, note and rhythm of feeling you vibrate, oscillate and resonate to create and define me.

I am nothing without you though I want to be free from you like a bird wants to fly away for the first time from its nest. 

I feel like my emotions are a pool and I am learning to swim in them still, that I'm still moved by the tides, waves and motions of every ripple still. 

That I can't get a handle on 'me', the life that wants to spring from experiences that tied me down. I am lost in many ways, like an echo trying to find its way out of a cave I just take every direction I can and hope my sound can still reach the end. This feeling I want to embrace that takes me beyond caring anymore but caring some more, so that my freedom is as great as the love that I want to create with those I see as special and give to those who I know are in need.

Lost without a trace are many aspects of me, all this heart communication I am now doing is revealing many more senses than what we describe and I don't know completely where its going to take me. More space and new space, emotions... my love... 

 

[Esilda]

.... re-reading my journal 

[Esilda]

Everytime I travel into the past, I am reminded of this disconnect between trying to be a certain way and true authenticity. The past creates the unity I need when go there in my heart, where I feel into the impressions of the past more than think about them. It is the feeling of the impressions that reminds me of my aliveness, who cares about facts really, my feelings create the facts, they help me find my truth and not for comfort but to simply feel into my core wholly and fully so that I am not distorted by what happened in my experiences and instead I feel the strength of the truth of how I was feeling. This teaches me so much, that everything is beautiful, that it was just the facts that made me not fully see into my aliveness. Who really cares about the mind, who really cares about time, there is just feeling and when we change this vibration all of reality changes in way. How can I connect with a true lover if I am not this way?

[Esilda]

Let me just lay here, on the grass feeling the sun warm my cheeks. Experience the tinge of my skin tanning, the comfort of simply being alive. Since when did happiness ever become a thing of the mind? This just seems so obtuse to me, just as long as we're feeling good in our bodies what do we need? I feel like, all I need from life sometimes is simply the feelings within my body and experiencing their love. Who said love is an emotion? Maybe love is all of the emotions we just need to release the mind feel into them within the body and then feel a more alive heart. I don't know if reality exists when I feel into my awareness here, somebody told me this I didn't say it, we get told all these silly things right. This is the experience within my emotional life the more I acknowledge the perfect beauty of them all. Home was always within me as I said earlier in my journal it was just a matter of me returning there within my heart and not denying any of the experience. Nothing exists, none of it, its all a lie it really is, all of reality, I am just the ever changing flow of my emotions. This whole idea of imagination as well, its flawed, imagination doesn't exist either, there isn't a mind, there's no god, there's nothing, its just this flow, this resonance, which is all nothing, nothing but emotional love.

Edited September 2, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

@SLuxy that's okay 

[Esilda]

@Marcel  music is our abstract of emotion 

 

 

[Esilda]

I have a cat named Frank he is sooo cute, anyhow when I pat him and I feel into the experience fully I feel like I can feel into his soul, that in that moment we are energetically resonating with eachother. That he can hear my energies and I can hear his energies, a certain harmony accrues; synchronisation. This is how I want my close connections with others to be, to connect fully with their hearts, for us to harmonise together. To forget the mind completely and all the lies we've been told about its existence and just simply be, heart to heart. Frank's purr is my purr, my purr is Frank's purr. Nothing exists and nothing else has to exist for us, we are in the flow and flow doesn't need anyone or anything other than the harmonisation of connection. This is the place where love is created, its not strange then that Frank and I love each other. 

Edited September 2, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

To my job,

I feel my ego not being appreciated enough, I feel like I'm so much like a robot... I feel like.. Oh great I have to finish this later

[Esilda]

To my patterns,

I realise now that he is just a repeating pattern in my mind, something that I've conditioned to think about over and over again. He doesn't deserve my thoughts, he doesn't deserve my emotions. What has he done for me? I don't have to give him the attention like I thought I used to, just because he appears in my mind doesn't mean that anything was meant to be it simple means that this just happens to be where my mind is at the moment. If we have a craving for some fast food we don't have the thought, "oh this must be meant to be, this must be destiny" no we just control the craving and choose a healthier choice. 

Making a commitment to becoming a healthier choice for myself, feeling into all of my thoughts and emotions. Not putting meaning there that I have no need to respect. I just need to feel into these parts within my heart, if it was really meant to be he would have treated me better, he wouldn't have betrayed me. It's just a repeating loop, that's all it is, once I come into acceptance of this it will be much easier to return home into my heart and allow my heart signal higher to my mind.

[RickyFitts]

5 hours ago, Esilda said:

I have a cat named Frank he is sooo cute, anyhow when I pat him and I feel into the experience fully I feel like I can feel into his soul, that in that moment we are energetically resonating with eachother. That he can hear my energies and I can hear his energies, a certain harmony accrues; synchronisation. This is how I want my close connections with others to be, to connect fully with their hearts, for us to harmonise together. To forget the mind completely and all the lies we've been told about its existence and just simply be, heart to heart. Frank's purr is my purr, my purr is Frank's purr. Nothing exists and nothing else has to exist for us, we are in the flow and flow doesn't need anyone or anything other than the harmonisation of connection. This is the place where love is created, its not strange then that Frank and I love each other. 

Aww Esilda, Frank's a lucky lad 

I love that you have a cat called Frank, by the way  

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts

[Esilda]

To my mind,

I know that you don't really exist, we were told a lie for so long, all I have is my heart and this is what I should have signalling to all along. The mind is just a vessel for ideas and travels, its the heart that makes the mind though. Every moment and within those moments every sensation, the heart shapes the mind continuously even if we don't feel it doing so. My mind turned him into destiny but my heart was always still left yearning. My mind thought he was mine but my heart felt lost, betrayed and abandoned. The mind is a dangerous thing if we're not feeling safe in our home, our hearts.

Edited September 2, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

TIME FOR SOME SUSHI FOR AN EARLY LUNCH!! 

[Esilda]

To my emotions,

You give me the space to see things I never would have but in your communication to my mind I also see so many conditioned patterns from my mind to heart, this is where I travel to myself, so what we call the past, when I was a little girl just feeling into all of my experiences and feeling the ebbs and flows of experience. In my surrender and seeing into those emotional experiences I see my entrapment and in that sight I am set free into love more and more. 

[Esilda]

To my paranoia and suspiciousness,

Who and what is it for and why do they concern my heart? They're just two lost souls and in the end what is it really going to matter? My heart is going to open, it'll feel freer, weigh less, I'll heal my wounds and everything will be more in a space of love. It's not my fault and it wasn't my fault, sure I could have done this and done that but in the end it really wasn't. I can simply continue to return home through my heart work and the world will continue to open for me. I can feel their energies, I can feel the tensions but what changes? Just to become more myself. My emotions make me feel really nervous sometimes, like I don't know the full story of what they tell me just that I know they tell me sometimes many more things than I realise, sometimes I see these things in dreams and all of these intuitions. It's all one grace though, it's all one turn. I can just... step over the puddle. That's what my intuition gives me.

Edited September 3, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

God what guy is going to want me once they learn of how gullible I was.

I was gullible because I was damaged so I wasn't connected to my true heart centre.

I feel so embarrassed to even have a conversation with my gullibility right now, not to mention my naivety.

Edited September 3, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

@Marcel since when did we need anything other than inner heart wholeness to be happy? 

[Esilda]

To society,

I was emotionally betrayed not only by those around me but just the state of where we had arrived as humans mystically.

You carried me into this life and my mother and father were betrayed immediately when it came to raising me when I was conditioned from such a young age to seek happiness outside of simply knowing my heart.

In turn, my mother and father betrayed me.

This is generational betrayal I'm feeling at my core.

This is bringing tears to my eyes I can't write about this more right now. I can't believe we could do this to each other for so long.