Trauma, my ego

[RickyFitts]

So, so beautiful, Esilda...

[RickyFitts]

49 minutes ago, Esilda said:

So much of life is about learning to learn the lessons of our heart.

Our hearts are already perfect.

It is our minds that get things wrong.

Our hearts must teach our minds and our minds must listen to our hearts to grow them.

This is such a beautiful revelation for me 

I feel... So so many different emotions right now.

Just so, so beautiful, this is wisdom  The wisdom of the heart, as I've come to think of it.

[IAmReallyImportant]

5 hours ago, Esilda said:

Please don't tell me how to think about my emotions.

THIS is a transmutation process.

Sorry I somehow skipped what you have written and hence understood it wrong.

With a false context in mind I wanted to help.

And everybody can express thoughts, so you don’t have to tell me anything either. It is up to you what you make out of what people say.

However, I respect everybodies boundaries. 

Edited August 31, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[IAmReallyImportant]

8 minutes ago, lxlichael said:

@IAmReallyImportant

I would leave it at mostly that. It's a very personal journal to her, we all need to be very respectful. It says it in the title. 

Yes. I wasnt unrespectful at all. It is respectless to accuse me for this. As I don't know her I also cannot k ow how she reacts. Especially with a false context in mind.

I would be glad if people understand each other instead of being blaming. You can cross peoes boundaries also with telling others how they should behave. This is not universal. 

Edited August 31, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[IAmReallyImportant]

1 minute ago, lxlichael said:

Advice: Tune into her reactions not your own. This is her journal, she had a very strong reaction to what you said. You need to tune into that, feel it fully. Have empathy for that boundary. Be careful from here on out please. Put yourself in her shoes on her journal rather than your own trying to have your voice heard when she's already made her reactions very clear. 

You can do the same with me. You are biased towards one perspective.

You now tell me what I should do and cross my boundaries. I did not ask for it. Now you do the same. 

Edited August 31, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[IAmReallyImportant]

5 minutes ago, lxlichael said:

This isn't going to end well. I'm done discussing this with you I'll let her take it from here when she gets back. 

You seem to be ignorant. I can put myself in her shoes. If someone is vulnerable I understand it. However, the person is still responsible for her actions and how it can affect others. I also don’t want to have my boundaries crossed. So I also communicate it. 

Like you act like you know something about me and this gives you the right to judge. And you don’t care about how I feel. This is rightiousness. 

Edited August 31, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[IAmReallyImportant]

Like I did something bad and now you feel like a teacher who has the responsibility to serve for law and order.

I didn't do anything bad and you are not allowed to tell me anything. I already explained it and apologized even if I don't have to in general for anything I do.

Feeling moral superior or spiritual snobbismus is not only a big issue here but in spirituality in general.. 

Edited August 31, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[Esilda]

@IAmReallyImportant

I have placed you on ignore. Politely, do not comment on my journal again. If you comment again I will report you to a moderator. Thank you for the advice here @Marcel . 

For heavens sake like the guy even read anything about my experiences with disrespect as if a part of my growth is to be so accommodating to his ass for Christs sake.

In future @lxlichael let me handle these people myself unless I ask for you, although I do appreciate your subtle attempts . I need to learn to start sticking up for myself, I have spent years of being walked all over and falling into silence when I see mistreatment I simply won’t have it any longer this is one aspect of this forum that I really do not appreciate.

Strong boundaries from now on like you @lxlichael.

In this journal, I want the ultimate respect shown. Please anyone that wishes to comment here read my journal first especially questions. I asked the question of how we can give the right level of  respect to people that have experienced trauma, this has not been shown here.

This forum is filled with just sooooooo many disrespectful people.

Please if you’re going to comment on my journal empathise with my experiences otherwise why are you even reading just to try and then state your self interested opinion! I mean, what the fuck?!?! Are you not reading all about all the difficult emotions I'm trying to process? Is there something I'm not saying here someone? Michael/Marcel am I missing something with my boundaries here am I saying something wrong? This feels like my right, my space, my gut feeling intuition but I appreciate your guidance if you have extra perspectives.

By the way, that second one was an unbelievable improvisation @lxlichael thank youuuuu   it warmed my heart so much when I listened to it, it was seriously so unexpected. I'm just, totally overwhelmed by it actually you captured my experience really well  .

Edited August 31, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

3 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

Just so, so beautiful, this is wisdom  The wisdom of the heart, as I've come to think of it.

I haven't forgotten you @RickyFitts thank you so much like I said i always appreciate your lovely comments .

Edited August 31, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

@Esilda

Perfect.

You are growing closer to yourself so much right now.

You´ll feel like an entirely new person soon.

Good for you big sister.

 That's EXACTLY where I feel I'm going I feel so much more empowered than what I did before! 

[Esilda]

To my youngest brother,

You youthful soldier, you were my protector growing up and also my nuisance. I can remember when you used to protect me against childhood bullies when we lived near the city. But then the next day we'd be having sword fights and you'd take things a little too far! I can remember when you'd help me in the water and play with me but then you'd also take things too far there as well (I felt like you were trying to drown me at one point and you never really saw things from my perspective there). I can see how I have hurt you, I just didn't realise how sensitive you were underneath and I was always trying to take care of my what seemed like over-sensitivities in me. We played so often together and the memories in my mind are rich.  I can remember when you gave me the nickname "muffin", I can remember whenever I fell over you would help me up and put a bandaid on me and then comfort me back to safety when you were only just 6 years old. We both had such a turbulent childhood though that we lost each other many times during our history. I wish we were closer. I just don't know how that's possible anymore though because we're so many worlds apart I wouldn't know what to say to you, how you could forget your role of protector while still having that brotherly vibe, how we could remove all the animosity between us while still having healthy boundaries that fostered a relationship between us. Even though I am smart you were always the smarter one. I miss that about us because you never made me remember it. I miss many things about us. 

Edited August 31, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

i feel like I'm actually starting to form my own voice, I feel like before I thought I was but I really wasn't, I mean there was just so much dust and I hid some things in my first entry I didn't want to disclose that now I feel comfortable feeling into and talking about freely. i'm still learning how to do this well thank you @Loba 

Edited August 31, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

I now realise that all the tensions I feel inwardly are things that I must explore, that an inward tension doesn't mean I shouldn't talk about it or pretend it doesn't exist, it means that I need to inwardly go into that world and feel into it fully so I can hear its voice until everything has its freedom again.

I'm now starting to really find my own authenticity and live in that truly.

There were things I really didn't want to talk about, like certain people in my family. Now I realise that this just a form of self suppression, a part of myself that needs more healing. It's this inner conflict between outwards expression, what I want the world to know about me and inward denial and not knowing how to handle these tensions and feelings.

[Esilda]

I really don't want to hide anything anymore, when I speak I want it to be the truest reflection of my inner light otherwise what is the point of this. My truth.

Edited August 31, 2021 by Esilda

[SLuxy]

Nice! Welcoming your journal to the forum!

Look forward to your journey.

Boundary wise, I'll relay some sound advice I was given. You will fuck it up. You will make mistakes when setting boundaries. You will overreact sometimes. And that's okay. That is part of the process.

Its better that you try and get it wrong, than never try at all.

[RickyFitts]

4 hours ago, Esilda said:

I haven't forgotten you @RickyFitts thank you so much like I said i always appreciate your lovely comments .

Don't mention it  

[RickyFitts]

I'll say this to people: Never forget that these posts you're reading, they've been written by living, breathing human beings who can get hurt and upset just as easily as you can. I think it can be very easy to forget that - I know, because I've done it myself.

[Loba]

@Esilda You're welcome, welcome to the forum. <3

[Esilda]

3 hours ago, lxlichael said:

This.

Carrying facades for our own convenience or expedient pleasures will always come at the cost of our own emotional development and well-being as well as others that we're sharing or trying to be open with. Don't live in time, live in progression.

You've got to put that first and foremost.

And you're welcome  .

I've been a people pleaser pretty much my whole life I think, in my previous relationship I think its pretty obvious by almost anyone's good imagination that I was probably codependent, just an old door that got repeatedly slammed until it broke. That's just the first association that came to mind . It's okay we're way past the sympathy stage in sharing that aspect of my life story now I'm just getting to the something stage  . Small ouchness but we're opening the door to more of life.

Thank you for the feedback @lxlichael it means a lot I've read a lot of your writing so I can hear your voice in your words and I trust them .

Can you give just briefly more elaboration as well? I feel like the fact that we live in such a superficial world in many ways that it hasn't helped my conditioning and well, what would you do socially here if we all don't have healthy influences just culturally?

@modmyth  Feeling into your response still, my heart says that my response is just going to be about the heart like I mentioned in my journal a few posts back about how I had a revelation about the heart being perfect and it was our minds that needed to do the learning. They can get broken and that's when I experienced my mind becoming the worst but when my heart is fully healed well my mind functions best. I wish this simple pattern was known more. Our hearts have been around way longer than our minds after-all so it ah makes sense that there's nothing we need to change about our hearts other than making sure that they're as healed as possible otherwise our minds communicate with the rest of our bodies in a way that harms us as I have experienced. I'm just on a break at the moment so I will respond to your words more specifically later in the day .

@Loba It feels so great to be so accepted and respected by mostly everyone and you are no exception .

Edited September 1, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

@SLuxy thanks.

3 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

I'll say this to people: Never forget that these posts you're reading, they've been written by living, breathing human beings who can get hurt and upset just as easily as you can. I think it can be very easy to forget that - I know, because I've done it myself.

@RickyFitts . Precisely.