Trauma, my ego

[Esilda]

I've been looking into the past and trying to make sense of all the feelings I have about it. I already see a therapist but I have to push myself to do more. I experienced a lot of trauma in my childhood and I still have difficulties forming trust in relationships. I am not so sure that I have serious emotional problems anymore but I still feel so agitated, anxious and frustrated sometimes and I don't know how to control this all the time. I have exercises but I just become so overwhelmed. I want this to be some kind of honest account of my truth. Me understanding my ego, how its been hurt, how my hurt continues to hurt me in ways I don't know about. I want to be free of all of this and I want my development of my writing skill here to help me through this.

 

Edited August 31, 2021 by Esilda

[SriSriJustinBieber]

Doing more could look like following your bliss instead, for if you follow that which makes you happy, well you will be happier, and if something is relevant for you to look at in terms of past traumas etc, it will appear to you along the way. If you look at trauma from a blissful state, it's quite easy to dissolve, if you look at it from a not so blissful state, in general one simply start seeing more and more and more trauma and feels overwhelmed and trapped inside a life determined by event they didn't choose to experience and starts seeing how it affects them now in relationships or whatever, etc.

So yeah, just do what makes you happy in each moment (it doesn't have to be big things, it can look like eating chocolate or going for a walk).

[Esilda]

BLONK! 

Right, right, let's do this.

I want to find my inner world again. That place where I truly know where I am, why do I need someone else to feel worthy? I feel like I'm ready for love however sometimes I feel so inadequate within myself. I want to BREAK FREE. I want to know without having to be known. I want to be known through knowing myself, wouldn't that be beautiful? To not ever have to feel like I have to be somebody else but myself? What is this world I live in? I look up at the stars some nights, wondering who I have to be, what I have to be, why I have to be. This idea of love, to be loved and to give love. Who is it for? Is it really for us? Why have we even created love between us all? 

I feel that my hearts still broken when I thought it was open. 

I know all the things I need to do but the world within my heart has no doing (sometimes --- like I really work myself a lot). 

 

Edited August 31, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

3 minutes ago, SriSriJustinBieber said:

Doing more could look like following your bliss instead, for if you follow that which makes you happy, well you will be happier, and if something is relevant for you to look at in terms of past traumas etc, it will appear to you along the way. If you look at trauma from a blissful state, it's quite easy to dissolve, if you look at it from a not so blissful state, in general one simply start seeing more and more and more trauma and feels overwhelmed and trapped inside a life determined by event they didn't choose to experience and starts seeing how it affects them now in relationships or whatever, etc.

So yeah, just do what makes you happy in each moment (it doesn't have to be big things, it can look like eating chocolate or going for a walk).

Life is harder than just bliss.

Some of us can't just go 'straight to bliss'.

That makes no sense. 

[Esilda]

How can we validate our trauma more?

How can we all appreciate everyone that has experienced trauma more from the position they're in?

How can we view people who have gone through trauma from a more respectful place?

How do we respect where they are rather than trying to make them be in a certain place through magical force of will that we're not ready for?

[Esilda]

He was my oyster, the person who I dreamed about daily. I thought we were going to get married, I thought he was going to become my husband. I felt so shattered by his actions, to betray me as he did. He was who I lived for, he was my everything and only. I thought we would never end, I thought my heart would become his and his heart would become mine for all eternity. The dream of my life, shattered with a single act of betrayal. To discover my life was a dream was the most prettifying experience of my life. A disaster of eternity. To feel that I could have brainwashed myself into believing that he was my faithful one is so disillusioning. When it happened I didn't know what to believe about life anymore because of how much I had devoted to him. I was petrified to be in my own skin. I was petrified to love anyone or anything. I felt so alone inside. 

[Esilda]

@Marcel When he was away I would spend a whole hour every night just meditating on the thought of sending love to him.

And then to find out about the betrayal after my spiritual dedication, it made me so paranoid about life it made me feel so delusional it made me feel like I was completely and utterly worthless to give so much of myself only to fall from a thundering speed in the sky to the ground. 

I felt like... I was betrayed by God. 

 

[Esilda]

To my one and only, I know you are out there. The pain that I have experienced, it was so that I could learn to treat you better, to love you better, to be there for you more, to be cautious in your wind, to stare into your loving gaze a little longer than I otherwise would. So I could learn to open my heart and have it be stronger than before while keeping its softness, to my one and only whether you hear me now or not I know that we will dream about each other before all of this happens. Let this all be as it should. This perfect universe, created perfectly for me to learn from and understand my own heart. I feel guilt for not knowing, I feel guilt for trying so hard. Let me just be open and free and he will come to me. The wind in my sail, my protector in the skies. My past was not built for me to feel beautiful, it was not built for me to not feel shame or inadequacy, it was not built for me to not feel unworthy. It was built for me to learn from all of my deepest experiences to become the woman I was always meant to be and to find a man that would support me where I want to go, with him and he with me. 

[Esilda]

16 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Maybe he thought the same way.

Maybe he also thought that this one person would become his one and only and was obsessing over it.

Maybe he was just as delusional as you.

Maybe he can relate to you way more then you´d like to think.

Maybe he had some loving feelings towards you as well.

Maybe he now thinks that you are like a big sister to him.

Maybe he, in his wildest dreams did not expect to meet his twin flame and have an otherworldly connection with another person, that he just met a week ago.

 

He betrayed me @Marcel.

I felt like I exploded inside of my own prison and was repeatedly reborn in a state of horror, viewing all of my dead bodies in the same prison each time over, hearing the screams from all of them simultaneously. NIGHTMARE.

[Esilda]

15 minutes ago, Marcel said:

@Esilda

But exactly this experience will make you stronger then you have ever experienced.

You will tell this exact story to your one and only at some point and he will hug and embrace you, because he understands your pain.

Maybe he has been through the exact same thing in his life?

I know this sounds harsh and i am probably not the right person to give you advice on this right now.

But i believe this happened for your good.

You will become so free and liberated by going through this pain.

Embrace it and feel it.

Lift yourself up and become your most authentic self.

This person may have stabbed your heart, but maybe he did not know any better and did not realize this could cause you pain.

Everything will be fine.

You saw it yourself.

Finding your one and only can happen in a blink of an eye.

Open yourself up completely, just as you did with your last post.

And your one and only may appear faster then you can ever imagine.

You are seeking him and he is seeking you in return.

 

 

 

I want to hear my soulmates voice in my dreams @Marcel, I want him to cry tears onto me about his pain and suffering, I want him to see deep into the soul the way I want to be seen. I want to be felt, understood and heard to the bare bones of my being. I want to hear his heart, console him  on his battles, contemplations and concerns about life. I want to feel his head against my chest, I want to see the universe of him alone in his eyes and tell him that everything that my heart sings from my soul. I want to feel a thousand voices of his run through my entire body, to be utterly consumed by his desire and to be open to the force of his will, the force of his truest love.

[Esilda]

@Marcel I thought it was him.

I felt so naive and yet I have to become naive all over again in order to experience the love I've always wanted.

To hear him understand me in all of his richness, for me to understand him. How do I speak from the heart like I once did before in complete surrender to nature? 

Where was I in all of this? 

Caught in my mirror dream, my illusions of love, and then when it all happened I felt like all the colours and the lights were sucked from the room. 

How do I open my heart and keep it open? How do I open my heart and keep it open? That's all that is running through me at the moment. 

I feel so petrified. 

[Esilda]

I got lost in my dream, my dream of him.

The thought that he could love me forever, that we would be together for the rest of our lives.

To experience his careless betrayal, its almost as if I set myself up. Where was I at the beginning of the year in the period that it happened? Who had I become? Who had I promised to become? How was he a part of it? 

He never really was, he was a phantom of love and my desire was impenetrable to his loyalty.

How could I betray myself?

That's the question that I ask myself about his betrayal.

What aspect of myself do I not know enough which caused me to experience what I did, to choose to be with who I did?

What aspect of myself needs to heal? 

To feel his breath on my skin makes my skin shutter.

But I am still partly caught in the Neverland of what could be possible between us, unable to break free or even truly knowing if I am meant to break free. 

Where am I in all of this?

Where is the truth in my heart?

 

Edited August 31, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

I wanted to hold him so close to my heart forever. I wanted to heal all of his wounds with my touch of love. I feel my feminine energy has been deeply wounded. I wanted to feel his body against mine forever, I wanted to have a deep sense of knowing between us for all eternity. I wanted there to be no break between us in reality, no dividing line in our awareness. Lost. Departed. Sunk to the deepest depths of the ocean of my despair where I drown in my sorrow and I'm eaten alive by the creatures I pretend do not exist in my dream a part of me cannot let go. 

[Esilda]

The betrayal of my mother

The betrayal of my father

The betrayal of my brothers

The betrayal of my sisters

I must sink into all of my feelings of betrayal so that I can find the source of my pain so I can find the source of my growth.

So I can find a partner that will not betray me. 

 

 

[Esilda]

I still speak to them all, but in my life, in various ways, they have betrayed me. 

[Esilda]

The emotional betrayal of my father, you did not treat me like the little girl I wanted to be.

The emotional betrayal of my mother, you did not teach me to be the woman I wanted to be.

The emotional betrayal of brother, you disowned me with a single remark at your dinner table. 

There was no love, there was no comfort from any of you. 

My sister, I emotionally betrayed you so carelessly. I was just so hurt, I didn't feel accepted by you at that time. I expressed to you myself and I got rejected, this triggered me deeply. 

The emotional betrayal of my younger sister. I cared about you so much when you were younger, we played together all the time. Then when we're together as teenagers you turn against me while we're at our brothers place. I felt incredibly deserted. You emotionally deserted me completely at that time. 

[Esilda]

Have I been lost my whole life?

Was I meant to live my life in a lost way?

Where is home if there ever was home?

I feel at the centre of it that's where my betrayal lies. 

At the centre of home. 

Home betrayed me.

And because home betrayed me it feels like the entire nature of life betrayed me.

At the centre of my heart, I know that's where home is. I know this is the place that I am meant to protect, love and respect.

I realise this now, like I never have before. 

I feel like there was no home because my home is my heart and my heart has been broken so many times with my last boyfriend being the last person involved here.

It had to happen I guess.

[Esilda]

This energy that I feel pulsating through me, surely it must mean something, surely this lives beyond the dream that I was stuck in. This connection, I don't know what it is or who you are, maybe my energy is just manifesting in ways I haven't experienced for a long time. At the tip of its bridge if I lean on it slightly I can feel the depths of my pain easily sink into endless sorrow but amidst everything greater I can feel a soft resonance, it changes and transforms in ways I cannot comprehend. There's so many changing shapes and sounds that sing these words. Every inkling, every slightest movement, changes everything felt, experienced. 

[Esilda]

Who wants to live in a dream anyway?

I want to live in feeling.

[Esilda]

To feel, to know.