Trauma, my ego

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts 

 

I know i have to start questioning myself more in like a positive way if i'm to get this right, stop beating myself up as well

[Esilda]

Feeling more confident again thx for the pickup @RickyFitts  

Addictions can be so challenging, but we have to have responsibility and self control around them.... like really owning the whole thing as best as we can is a part of the war that we have to do... right now I'm trying to quit my social media usage by at least half and its been difficult for me so I've decided to use this site as a substitute because then at least I feel like I'm doing something productive... .....I've been watching a lot of Eckart Tolle videos lately and I've just started re-reading the power of now, learning to once again like the vipassana method simply allow emotions to pass through me after feeling them better, i feel like this is the difficulty with addiction, we can't just "let it pass"... i just concentrate on the feeling of love and that helps me much more too

Edited March 11, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

how do I create the future? how do i create my new future?

its just something that's been on my mind lately, I'm about to arrive at the hairdressers anywho I had the thought about whether or not I still want to be a nurse and if I do what am I doing it for? The hospital infrastructure is a mess, our doctor-patient ratio is a mess which means in some ways unethically we're (us nurses) asked more of us than what we can really provide because the wait times for some patients is already enormous, it feels like so many of us are in burnout mode. I'm just beginning to ask myself the question, how much of what I am doing is really the highest good I could be doing? I want to be a part of something that is going to truly make best use of my talents, I want to be a part of something that is going to truly be a contribution to society at large. Hospitals are not all good, this much I have learned, my empathy and the empathy of my colleagues is taken advantage of in more ways than you can imagine. I just feel, deep down in my intuition that society is going through so many changes right now and us nurses and doctors are stuck in the middle of the chaos. It "feels" like we'll be taken care of but I'm not so certain anymore. I used to think that I was always a part of the solution, now in todays times I'm not as certain as I used to be about whether I'm a part of the solution or the problem. 

After the hairdressers I'm going to a spa where I'll be spending 2-3 hours in an isolation tank today and tomorrow. The last time I went I had some of the deepest life insights. These last few weeks have been so chaotic for me so I need to go back inside of myself and introspect, allow my intuition to guide me, all this stuff that we do to help us through beyond the "thinking mind".

I want a higher path, I know this 'practical', 'rational' world isn't going to get us where we need to go, so.... I just... don't know or have the capability yet to explain what that means and I know psychedelics aren't the cure either. We need change, we need a new cure outside of overly economised hospitals, I don't know what that is or what that looks like but I know mother earth is asking for us to find something more, to create something better. Things can't stay the way they are and within myself, I feel into my soft intuition, that there's definitely a path, a new way, it just hasn't revealed itself to me yet

Edited March 11, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

2 minutes ago, Esilda said:

how do I create the future? how do i create my new future?

its just something that's been on my mind lately, I'm about to arrive at the hairdressers anywho I had the thought about whether or not I still want to be a nurse and if I do what am I doing it for? The hospital infrastructure is a mess, our doctor-patient ratio is a mess which means in some ways unethically we're (us nurses) asked more of us than what we can really provide because the wait times for some patients is already enormous, it feels like so many of us are in burnout mode. I'm just beginning to ask myself the question, how much of what I am doing is really the highest good I could be doing? I want to be a part of something that is going to truly make best use of my talents, I want to be a part of something that is going to truly be a contribution to society at large. Hospitals are not all good, this much I have learned, my empathy and the empathy of my colleagues is taken advantage of in more ways than you can imagine. I just feel, deep down in my intuition that society is going through so many changes right now and us nurses and doctors are stuck in the middle of the chaos. It "feels" like we'll be taken care of but I'm not so certain anymore. I used to think that I was always a part of the solution, now in todays times I'm not as certain as I used to be about whether I'm a part of the solution or the problem. 

After the hairdressers I'm going to a spa where I'll be spending 2-3 hours in an isolation tank today and tomorrow. The last time I went I had some of the deepest life insights. These last few weeks have been so chaotic for me so I need to go back inside of myself and introspect, allow my intuition to guide me, all this stuff that we do to help us through beyond the "thinking mind".

I want a higher path, I know this 'practical', 'rational' world isn't going to get us where we need to go, so.... I just... don't know or have the capability yet to explain what that means and I know psychedelics aren't the cure either. We need change, we need a new cure outside of overly economised hospitals, I don't know what that is or what that looks like but I know mother earth is asking for us to find something more, to create something better. Things can't stay the way they are and within myself, I feel into my soft intuition, that there's definitely a path, a new way, it just hasn't revealed itself to me yet

what does this look like? what are the colours? the lights? the dreams? my meditation while in the isolation tank

[RickyFitts]

1 hour ago, Esilda said:

Feeling more confident again thx for the pickup @RickyFitts  

You're so welcome.  So interesting to hear your thoughts on the challenges we face as a society, too, I absolutely agree that things can't stay the way they are but things seem so screwed up at the moment that it's hard to know where to start. But connecting to your intuition is the way to go though I think, as you say - love that you're re-reading 'The Power of Now', because present-moment awareness is central to that I feel.

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts 

I feel so much more positive after my experience in the tank!  I just feel so much more centered, in myself and my feminine energy now 

Have just been writing privately about the different things I saw in my imagination. Day 1 down 1 more session to go! 

 

[RickyFitts]

2 hours ago, Esilda said:

I feel so much more positive after my experience in the tank!  I just feel so much more centered, in myself and my feminine energy now 

So glad to hear that, wonderful.  

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts   

onto the third chapter of the power of now.... now  

this whole thing about time though.... i feel like i still have to make sense of it... obviously.... 

eckart tolle though, i like him and i'd like to meet him face to face 

[Esilda]

doing research on enlightened people in the world, searching for different experiences

 

[Esilda]

28 minutes ago, Esilda said:

doing research on enlightened people in the world, searching for different experiences

 

 

synchronicity while researching enlightened people on the ytube, she kind of looks like me lol

a little weird for me to post this but I just thought it was a cute video 

its weird for me coz i am a little attracted to her, i have some bisexual tendencies. never explored though... being 'attracted to urself', probably some mental disorder lol joking 

 

 

[Esilda]

 

arrived back from my family breakfast (none of us really get along and my parents... triggering).... we do it every few weeks or so...

leaving for the tank again (higher, higher UP on this page #14 YEPPY #14) in a few hours  

 

 

Edited March 12, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

 

this made me feel safe , in fun idea mode now  

 

[Esilda]

 

Love.

Off to the tank again.

 

[Esilda]

An AMAZING experience I had this time in the isolation tank, for whatever reason in a REMOTE VIEWING sense I saw all kinds of Russia v. Ukraine conflicts so right now I'm doing HEAPS AND HEAPS of research on it now MAYBE I'll upload all of my other INTUITIONS later before the night ends! 

 

Look at this cute little girl being saved from the area, its so sad that so many civilians haven't been protected in the way they needed to be it made me cry. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

God I couldn't imagine having to deal with those STRESSFUL circumstances right now! I feel a little guilty just laying there in the tank! 

 

 

 

[Esilda]

nachos for dinner!

My uncle was like the only one in my family that I liked growing up, I used to go to his place at least once every fortnight and nachos were just "our thing" that we did together lol each time 

He was always so good to me, he read to me, played with me, talked to me about my day, would almost let me go anywhere in his place and take me where I wanted to go when I was there, all the things that my parents were meant to do. I felt neglected by my parents his the only one that truly made me feel safe growing up, that truly made me feel like I "existed". He's still alive thankfully though he lives in Bali right now. He's always had a wise charisma about him that had a big impression on me. I've never really known him as an adult though I feel like its about time I reconnected with him. He was a part of a "biker gang".

 

 

 

[Esilda]

reposting... 

What I want in a man?

Preface: presently my partner and I are on a break. We need our values redefined. 

#1. Loyalty - I am a loyal person and I expect absolute loyalty.

#2. Growth - I am growth oriented and I want a partner who is more evolved than me but not too much more evolved to be a part of my growth and me there's.

#3. Supportive - I want a partner who will support me through all of my struggles as I will theirs.

#4. Loving - I want my partner to be extremely loving as I am extremely loving. I have a couple of attachment issues but if given the right space and attitude I can "make sense of it all" as we go along.

#5. Height - You must be taller than me but not by too much. I am 5'3, I want to be with a guy that is at least 5'5.

#6. Dominant - I want a dominant man who knows what he wants, who forms his own views of the world and has a clear direction and focus.

#7. World focus - I want to be with a guy that wants to be a part of changing the world as this is what I really want to be a part of I just don't have a complete direction to help me there but I have a lot of ideas.

#8. No players, gamers - You may see a lot of women or something like this but its not like that's a core part of your life, you ultimately want to find a certain woman who you can stand by and she can stand by you. You get how toxic the dating market it and instead of believing that women just go along with that market you'd prefer to find a woman who sees through it too rather than trying to play the game.

#9. Creative - creativity is like my most important on part with number one but these things... I am not the most creative person but the guy I want to be with has to be super creative. That's just what I value. I will follow his lead if he is above me.

#10. Trust - you have to trust me and I have to trust you. I've been hurt so like the attachment stuff I mentioned right? Take it slow, one step at a time and even if we accidentally hurt each other... Faith if the chemistry is there.

 

They're like... my top ten... for now... 

 

Adding some more:

#11. Sexually experienced - I have only been with 3 people my entire life, though I know my stuff. Society has both pushed me to be promiscuous and not, I have just stayed true to my inner intuition and kept myself contained. All of my sexual experiences have led to a relationship and I expect nothing different. I don't care how many people you have been with just so long as its not too much but I need you to know things that I don't know. I want to be shown new things, I want to explore new things.

#12. Life purpose - I want our life purpose to be aligned. Even if it isn't at the moment, are we working together to join forces on something? My father and mother ran a business together, I just loved that. They had their bickering every so often, sometimes daily in some ways but they always sorted things out with each other. No, we don't have to get married or married right away. My present partner is a doctor in the hospital I work in, I really feel though that we may be coming to an end though so many new things are coming up for me in my life at the moment that I'm unsure.

#13. Mental toughness - I am not the most mentally tough woman, I'll admit that hands down. But I need my man to be mentally tough. I WILL I WILL I WILL I WILL do my best and I am doing my best to get more mentally tough each day. I want my man to help me. My COOPERATION. THAT I can give you. My love... THAT I can give you. I just have some weaknesses here so I need some accommodation. On this area though I need my man to be strong.

I'll be the first woman to admit that sometimes, I just lose my shit. I do. Are you still going to be there for me? I will admit my mistakes. 

#14. Not a porn addict. LOL I'm just struggling to come up with more at the moment. Why porn? I've just excluded 99.99% of guys here maybe  . Is that totally a bad thing though? 

#15. Sense of humour. YeS. SenSe. Of. HuMoR.

 

#16. is moving to enlightenment... wants to be enlightened... understands enlightenment...

I'm... in case you haven't noticed yet.... not enlightened... but it defeats the purpose... this is where the life of creation and love is taking me to at this point in my life... my present partner/bf (we're on a break)... just isn't interested in these ideas / not open minded enough for me.... I want to be with a guy that is more advanced than me as well on these subjects because I've been so departed from that in my regular life... i just have.. regular joes if you get me in my social life... which is good... fine... lovely... its not though where i am moving romantically / is not where I am moving for a lifelong partner 

 

#17. Secure Attachment Style - are you insecure coz I'm not. Yeah. The more secure the better. Double standards I know but I do make up for it in other ways... I make an awesome dinner... . I'm not desperate though I do want love and know how to give it. I have an anxious preoccupied attachment style, I don't care what you were before other than caring about your history but I need you to have a secure attachment style now for where you are in your history. I just... I can't deal with all the stuff that comes with other attachment styles, my own insecurities are enough to deal with 

stuff on the anxious attachment style - https://integrativelifecenter.com/wellness-blog/anxious-preoccupied-attachment/#:~:text=Anxious preoccupied attachment is an,our relationships later in life.

 

 

#18. Traveling - I have been wanting to travel for quite some time, I have money saved up. About 8 years ago I traveled to South America all the way up to Canada (so including the USA) then I went throughout Europe. I traveled for about 3 years with my boyfriend at the time. There are other countries I wish to visit when COVID becomes looser I'd like to take the opportunity to go with my partner of this time, whoever this is going to be (my break with my boyfriend is mutual, we have known each other a while, he has tried to take in my interests but doesn't go the whole way).

I can make compromises/negotiate.

 

#19. Organised - be organised as I am not the most organised person. I can get frazzled pretty easily. I need help keeping order with things. I can follow routines and I don't mind cleaning I just need someone helping me there. I need a guy to be a planner and strategiser, someone that thinks of the future as I'm more in the moment, experiencing the full spectrum of life. Sometimes too much in my past but really its just being in touch with everything

 

#20. Be well groomed and fit - I want a guy that grooms himself well and looks after his body well. 

 

#21. No reckless activities - you may have done reckless stuff in the past and even in the present but with me, the only reckless things I feel are warranted are like.... if I need you to protect me. So hobbies like skydiving, rock climbing in risky places are a no go. I want you with me for as long as possible if we're a match.

 

These are just confident guidelines... like I'm open to chatting about to find where the balance is... however I have to state clearly what I want and it feels so liberating for me that I'm getting more confident doing that for myself  

 

Edited March 13, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

8 hours ago, Esilda said:

reposting... 

What I want in a man?

Preface: presently my partner and I are on a break. We need our values redefined. 

#1. Loyalty - I am a loyal person and I expect absolute loyalty.

#2. Growth - I am growth oriented and I want a partner who is more evolved than me but not too much more evolved to be a part of my growth and me there's.

#3. Supportive - I want a partner who will support me through all of my struggles as I will theirs.

#4. Loving - I want my partner to be extremely loving as I am extremely loving. I have a couple of attachment issues but if given the right space and attitude I can "make sense of it all" as we go along.

#5. Height - You must be taller than me but not by too much. I am 5'3, I want to be with a guy that is at least 5'5.

#6. Dominant - I want a dominant man who knows what he wants, who forms his own views of the world and has a clear direction and focus.

#7. World focus - I want to be with a guy that wants to be a part of changing the world as this is what I really want to be a part of I just don't have a complete direction to help me there but I have a lot of ideas.

#8. No players, gamers - You may see a lot of women or something like this but its not like that's a core part of your life, you ultimately want to find a certain woman who you can stand by and she can stand by you. You get how toxic the dating market it and instead of believing that women just go along with that market you'd prefer to find a woman who sees through it too rather than trying to play the game.

#9. Creative - creativity is like my most important on part with number one but these things... I am not the most creative person but the guy I want to be with has to be super creative. That's just what I value. I will follow his lead if he is above me.

#10. Trust - you have to trust me and I have to trust you. I've been hurt so like the attachment stuff I mentioned right? Take it slow, one step at a time and even if we accidentally hurt each other... Faith if the chemistry is there.

 

They're like... my top ten... for now... 

 

Adding some more:

#11. Sexually experienced - I have only been with 3 people my entire life, though I know my stuff. Society has both pushed me to be promiscuous and not, I have just stayed true to my inner intuition and kept myself contained. All of my sexual experiences have led to a relationship and I expect nothing different. I don't care how many people you have been with just so long as its not too much but I need you to know things that I don't know. I want to be shown new things, I want to explore new things.

#12. Life purpose - I want our life purpose to be aligned. Even if it isn't at the moment, are we working together to join forces on something? My father and mother ran a business together, I just loved that. They had their bickering every so often, sometimes daily in some ways but they always sorted things out with each other. No, we don't have to get married or married right away. My present partner is a doctor in the hospital I work in, I really feel though that we may be coming to an end though so many new things are coming up for me in my life at the moment that I'm unsure.

#13. Mental toughness - I am not the most mentally tough woman, I'll admit that hands down. But I need my man to be mentally tough. I WILL I WILL I WILL I WILL do my best and I am doing my best to get more mentally tough each day. I want my man to help me. My COOPERATION. THAT I can give you. My love... THAT I can give you. I just have some weaknesses here so I need some accommodation. On this area though I need my man to be strong.

I'll be the first woman to admit that sometimes, I just lose my shit. I do. Are you still going to be there for me? I will admit my mistakes. 

#14. Not a porn addict. LOL I'm just struggling to come up with more at the moment. Why porn? I've just excluded 99.99% of guys here maybe  . Is that totally a bad thing though? 

#15. Sense of humour. YeS. SenSe. Of. HuMoR.

 

#16. is moving to enlightenment... wants to be enlightened... understands enlightenment...

I'm... in case you haven't noticed yet.... not enlightened... but it defeats the purpose... this is where the life of creation and love is taking me to at this point in my life... my present partner/bf (we're on a break)... just isn't interested in these ideas / not open minded enough for me.... I want to be with a guy that is more advanced than me as well on these subjects because I've been so departed from that in my regular life... i just have.. regular joes if you get me in my social life... which is good... fine... lovely... its not though where i am moving romantically / is not where I am moving for a lifelong partner 

 

#17. Secure Attachment Style - are you insecure coz I'm not. Yeah. The more secure the better. Double standards I know but I do make up for it in other ways... I make an awesome dinner... . I'm not desperate though I do want love and know how to give it. I have an anxious preoccupied attachment style, I don't care what you were before other than caring about your history but I need you to have a secure attachment style now for where you are in your history. I just... I can't deal with all the stuff that comes with other attachment styles, my own insecurities are enough to deal with 

stuff on the anxious attachment style - https://integrativelifecenter.com/wellness-blog/anxious-preoccupied-attachment/#:~:text=Anxious preoccupied attachment is an,our relationships later in life.

 

 

#18. Traveling - I have been wanting to travel for quite some time, I have money saved up. About 8 years ago I traveled to South America all the way up to Canada (so including the USA) then I went throughout Europe. I traveled for about 3 years with my boyfriend at the time. There are other countries I wish to visit when COVID becomes looser I'd like to take the opportunity to go with my partner of this time, whoever this is going to be (my break with my boyfriend is mutual, we have known each other a while, he has tried to take in my interests but doesn't go the whole way).

I can make compromises/negotiate.

 

#19. Organised - be organised as I am not the most organised person. I can get frazzled pretty easily. I need help keeping order with things. I can follow routines and I don't mind cleaning I just need someone helping me there. I need a guy to be a planner and strategiser, someone that thinks of the future as I'm more in the moment, experiencing the full spectrum of life. Sometimes too much in my past but really its just being in touch with everything

 

#20. Be well groomed and fit - I want a guy that grooms himself well and looks after his body well. 

 

#21. No reckless activities - you may have done reckless stuff in the past and even in the present but with me, the only reckless things I feel are warranted are like.... if I need you to protect me. So hobbies like skydiving, rock climbing in risky places are a no go. I want you with me for as long as possible if we're a match.

 

These are just confident guidelines... like I'm open to chatting about to find where the balance is... however I have to state clearly what I want and it feels so liberating for me that I'm getting more confident doing that for myself  

 

 

wat the daily spice says us ladies should be going for 

https://thedailyspice.com/qualities-of-a-good-man/

struggling to come up with ideas.... financial security... looks... these are just too cultural and well known

#6. tho, I'm not a career woman... i found that one a bit weird

#8. sounds a bit too unrealistic, just that use of the word "perfect"

 

 

Edited March 13, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

anyone else find it weird that "they" never seem to talk about the perfect emotional control of a woman? 

these sorts of things often seem so one sided and narrow.

it feels disempowering  to me as a woman as well for emotional control is what I'm trying to build within myself as I know how stressful my own reactions can sometimes be for others. We're just expected to be 'irrational', when there's something more here.

to just expect my partner, even my now present bf that I'm on a break with to always put up with my stuff no matter what is just something I never asked of him  . He's a bit neglectful though as well, he also doesn't really seem to fully understand his emotions. It feels like these things really lack balance, who r we listening to? 

I need help with a lot of things but I'm not stupid either after-all my job involves me always helping. It feels very "boxy", square peg in a round hole anyone? 

 

For my list above:

22. Emotional understanding and emotional maturity

I don't really know what to write here yet only that I would try to match it.

 

 

Edited March 14, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

 

 

Changed my profile photo = undesirable attention on the forum.

 

Feeling like I'm being gawked at by guys here.

 

Just makes me feel weird.

 

 

 

[Esilda]

 

 

 

NO MORE UNDESIRED GAWKERS

 

NO MORE UNDESIRED SEXUALLY EXPLICIT PM'S

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly.... Flattered  but... NO.

I've made it perfectly clear that I have a bf that we're just on a break right now.

 

It's been rather weird anyway... observing my own face constantly... its made me feel a little insecure actually, noticing all of my little flaws... I feel much freer being myself on here without my own face as my profile picture 

 

Feeling good, feeling refreshed, feeling cosy, about to go the afternoon spa  .