Trauma, my ego

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts Cows go moo, cats go meow, bees go zzzzzzzzzz back to sleep  

[Esilda]

Feeling just so wounded right now.

I feel so outclassed in life sometimes. I want to be smarter. I want to make a better impression. 

I want to become a more sophisticated woman.

This is just how I feel right now.

I want to be taken more seriously as a woman.

I want to be more noticed. 

[Esilda]

Privately journalling about love while listening to... female artists that changed the face of femininity and music.  

Hoping that all the beautiful souls here are treating themselves well, remembering self love not self inflicting injuries to their own self esteem >____ me ____<. 

She really inspires me as an aspiring singer. I don't play any instruments yet tho
 

 

Edited March 11, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

 

where I'm traveling to right now...

"Mr. Unicorn.

Show me the lands.

Show me what magic I am missing in my life.

Show me what is possible in the whole wide world of possibility"

 

 

 

I'm taking a few days away to practice real hard on my writing because I want my journals to come across as more professional from now on.

 

[RickyFitts]

7 hours ago, Esilda said:

@RickyFitts Cows go moo, cats go meow, bees go zzzzzzzzzz back to sleep  

 

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts 

 

I know i have to start questioning myself more in like a positive way if i'm to get this right, stop beating myself up as well

[Esilda]

Feeling more confident again thx for the pickup @RickyFitts  

Addictions can be so challenging, but we have to have responsibility and self control around them.... like really owning the whole thing as best as we can is a part of the war that we have to do... right now I'm trying to quit my social media usage by at least half and its been difficult for me so I've decided to use this site as a substitute because then at least I feel like I'm doing something productive... .....I've been watching a lot of Eckart Tolle videos lately and I've just started re-reading the power of now, learning to once again like the vipassana method simply allow emotions to pass through me after feeling them better, i feel like this is the difficulty with addiction, we can't just "let it pass"... i just concentrate on the feeling of love and that helps me much more too

Edited March 11, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

how do I create the future? how do i create my new future?

its just something that's been on my mind lately, I'm about to arrive at the hairdressers anywho I had the thought about whether or not I still want to be a nurse and if I do what am I doing it for? The hospital infrastructure is a mess, our doctor-patient ratio is a mess which means in some ways unethically we're (us nurses) asked more of us than what we can really provide because the wait times for some patients is already enormous, it feels like so many of us are in burnout mode. I'm just beginning to ask myself the question, how much of what I am doing is really the highest good I could be doing? I want to be a part of something that is going to truly make best use of my talents, I want to be a part of something that is going to truly be a contribution to society at large. Hospitals are not all good, this much I have learned, my empathy and the empathy of my colleagues is taken advantage of in more ways than you can imagine. I just feel, deep down in my intuition that society is going through so many changes right now and us nurses and doctors are stuck in the middle of the chaos. It "feels" like we'll be taken care of but I'm not so certain anymore. I used to think that I was always a part of the solution, now in todays times I'm not as certain as I used to be about whether I'm a part of the solution or the problem. 

After the hairdressers I'm going to a spa where I'll be spending 2-3 hours in an isolation tank today and tomorrow. The last time I went I had some of the deepest life insights. These last few weeks have been so chaotic for me so I need to go back inside of myself and introspect, allow my intuition to guide me, all this stuff that we do to help us through beyond the "thinking mind".

I want a higher path, I know this 'practical', 'rational' world isn't going to get us where we need to go, so.... I just... don't know or have the capability yet to explain what that means and I know psychedelics aren't the cure either. We need change, we need a new cure outside of overly economised hospitals, I don't know what that is or what that looks like but I know mother earth is asking for us to find something more, to create something better. Things can't stay the way they are and within myself, I feel into my soft intuition, that there's definitely a path, a new way, it just hasn't revealed itself to me yet

Edited March 11, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

2 minutes ago, Esilda said:

how do I create the future? how do i create my new future?

its just something that's been on my mind lately, I'm about to arrive at the hairdressers anywho I had the thought about whether or not I still want to be a nurse and if I do what am I doing it for? The hospital infrastructure is a mess, our doctor-patient ratio is a mess which means in some ways unethically we're (us nurses) asked more of us than what we can really provide because the wait times for some patients is already enormous, it feels like so many of us are in burnout mode. I'm just beginning to ask myself the question, how much of what I am doing is really the highest good I could be doing? I want to be a part of something that is going to truly make best use of my talents, I want to be a part of something that is going to truly be a contribution to society at large. Hospitals are not all good, this much I have learned, my empathy and the empathy of my colleagues is taken advantage of in more ways than you can imagine. I just feel, deep down in my intuition that society is going through so many changes right now and us nurses and doctors are stuck in the middle of the chaos. It "feels" like we'll be taken care of but I'm not so certain anymore. I used to think that I was always a part of the solution, now in todays times I'm not as certain as I used to be about whether I'm a part of the solution or the problem. 

After the hairdressers I'm going to a spa where I'll be spending 2-3 hours in an isolation tank today and tomorrow. The last time I went I had some of the deepest life insights. These last few weeks have been so chaotic for me so I need to go back inside of myself and introspect, allow my intuition to guide me, all this stuff that we do to help us through beyond the "thinking mind".

I want a higher path, I know this 'practical', 'rational' world isn't going to get us where we need to go, so.... I just... don't know or have the capability yet to explain what that means and I know psychedelics aren't the cure either. We need change, we need a new cure outside of overly economised hospitals, I don't know what that is or what that looks like but I know mother earth is asking for us to find something more, to create something better. Things can't stay the way they are and within myself, I feel into my soft intuition, that there's definitely a path, a new way, it just hasn't revealed itself to me yet

what does this look like? what are the colours? the lights? the dreams? my meditation while in the isolation tank

[RickyFitts]

1 hour ago, Esilda said:

Feeling more confident again thx for the pickup @RickyFitts  

You're so welcome.  So interesting to hear your thoughts on the challenges we face as a society, too, I absolutely agree that things can't stay the way they are but things seem so screwed up at the moment that it's hard to know where to start. But connecting to your intuition is the way to go though I think, as you say - love that you're re-reading 'The Power of Now', because present-moment awareness is central to that I feel.

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts 

I feel so much more positive after my experience in the tank!  I just feel so much more centered, in myself and my feminine energy now 

Have just been writing privately about the different things I saw in my imagination. Day 1 down 1 more session to go! 

 

[RickyFitts]

2 hours ago, Esilda said:

I feel so much more positive after my experience in the tank!  I just feel so much more centered, in myself and my feminine energy now 

So glad to hear that, wonderful.  

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts   

onto the third chapter of the power of now.... now  

this whole thing about time though.... i feel like i still have to make sense of it... obviously.... 

eckart tolle though, i like him and i'd like to meet him face to face 

[Esilda]

doing research on enlightened people in the world, searching for different experiences

 

[Esilda]

28 minutes ago, Esilda said:

doing research on enlightened people in the world, searching for different experiences

 

 

synchronicity while researching enlightened people on the ytube, she kind of looks like me lol

a little weird for me to post this but I just thought it was a cute video 

its weird for me coz i am a little attracted to her, i have some bisexual tendencies. never explored though... being 'attracted to urself', probably some mental disorder lol joking 

 

 

[Esilda]

 

arrived back from my family breakfast (none of us really get along and my parents... triggering).... we do it every few weeks or so...

leaving for the tank again (higher, higher UP on this page #14 YEPPY #14) in a few hours  

 

 

Edited March 12, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

 

this made me feel safe , in fun idea mode now  

 

[Esilda]

 

Love.

Off to the tank again.

 

[Esilda]

An AMAZING experience I had this time in the isolation tank, for whatever reason in a REMOTE VIEWING sense I saw all kinds of Russia v. Ukraine conflicts so right now I'm doing HEAPS AND HEAPS of research on it now MAYBE I'll upload all of my other INTUITIONS later before the night ends! 

 

Look at this cute little girl being saved from the area, its so sad that so many civilians haven't been protected in the way they needed to be it made me cry. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

God I couldn't imagine having to deal with those STRESSFUL circumstances right now! I feel a little guilty just laying there in the tank! 

 

 

 

[Esilda]

nachos for dinner!

My uncle was like the only one in my family that I liked growing up, I used to go to his place at least once every fortnight and nachos were just "our thing" that we did together lol each time 

He was always so good to me, he read to me, played with me, talked to me about my day, would almost let me go anywhere in his place and take me where I wanted to go when I was there, all the things that my parents were meant to do. I felt neglected by my parents his the only one that truly made me feel safe growing up, that truly made me feel like I "existed". He's still alive thankfully though he lives in Bali right now. He's always had a wise charisma about him that had a big impression on me. I've never really known him as an adult though I feel like its about time I reconnected with him. He was a part of a "biker gang".