During my suicidal moments

[Preety_India]

In my deepest darkest suicidal moments, this is the  song I used to listen to. It helped me get through those situations. 

 

[Preety_India]

I will remember what Marcel said here. 

11 minutes ago, Marcel said:

@Gregory1 @Preety_India @Esilda

Trolling can be a serious issue.

I had a full on suicidal episode just last week.

And getting hateful messages through multiple spam accounts would have made this so much more difficult.

The wrong word, from the wrong person, at the wrong time, can literally end lives.

The right word, from the right person, at the right time, can literally save lives.

This sounds like an exaggeration, but it is very true.

Acts of Compassion and Empathy go a very long may, no matter how small.

Never underestimate how much impact you can have on someone with your words and actions.

Words can Kill, but Words can Uplift as well.

I have a lot of thick skin.

I am very sensitive at the same time, but there is nothing anybody could say or do to trigger me.

I refuse to respond to any trolls nowadays. I just block and report them.

They are pathetic losers without love in their life, what could be more miserable?

 

 

 

 

He is right. Trolling can hurt so much.. 

I learn a lot from him.. He is right about many things. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

When I'm suicidal, he gives me hope. 

He is my Phoenix. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel like finally I can win.. I can do this. 

 

That scared child inside of me can finally get wings and take flight. 

I was very vulnerable for a very long time. 

I feel like I'm a winner now. 

I can win. I have this under my belt. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

It takes a lot to go through whatever I went through. 

I was bullied all my life. 

I can feel what others feel when they are bullied. I don't laugh at them. 

I feel their deep pain. Because I went through so much of that. 

 

[Preety_India]

It takes a lot to go through whatever I went through. 

I was bullied all my life. 

I can feel what others feel when they are bullied. I don't laugh at them. 

I feel their deep pain. Because I went through so much of that. 

 

[Preety_India]

I think one of my suicide attempts happened when my father died. 

I didn't get my period for like 3 months after my father's death. The stress of his death had blocked my period. 

Whenever I suffer deep stress, I lose my periods. 

So this was a very vulnerable time in my life. I was grieving his death. 

 

I remember fighting with my family. 

I went straight to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and slashed my wrist.. 

I was bleeding from my wrist throughout the day and then my family came and put a plaster on my wrist to stop the bleeding. 

That was a major suicide attempt. 

 

Edited August 31, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

My second suicide attempt that I remember was when I was 14.

 

I tried to burn myself by dousing myself in oil.. I poured oil all over me. 

But my family rescued me from burning. 

I was feeling depressed and my social anxiety was disrupting my life. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'll never ever judge a suicidal person. 

It's monstrous to do that. 

 

People who judge someone who is suicidal are truly clueless of what it means to be in that place. 

 

[Preety_India]

Right now I only wish to talk in my journal. 

I can't open up easily even to people that I love intensely and deeply. 

I'm an introvert 

 

I only open up when I'm quiet and alone. 

 

In my journals I feel quiet and alone and this is where I open up. 

 

I can't open up to people.. I don't open up with family or friends or lovers. 

 

I only open up slowly when I'm alone or if I am sitting with my partner physically 

But even then I can't open up. It's difficult. I feel blank in front of people, even closed or dear ones. 

I feel like I can open up in a journal or a book where I feel nobody is watching me

 

 

The feeling that someone might be watching me terrifies me.. 

 

I can't open up to a psychologist because they keep staring directly at my face. That's totally unhelpful and the last thing I want is someone directly looking at me when I'm being so vulnerable, it makes me hyper anxious and conscious and I go back into closing myself off. 

 

I open up onnly when nobody is around. 

 

In real life, I only talk when people are not looking at me. 

Staring at my face can cause my anxiety to skyrocket 

 

So i only talk to myself when I'm alone or in my journal 

 

 

I'm sorry if I'm hard to deal with 

 

 

I know I'm hard and I don't expect anyone to compromise wit my nature 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

I can't open up about my suicide to you that easily. 

 

It takes a lot of time and intimate connection for me to be that vulnerable to be able to open up directly to you about something that hurt me all my life. 

 

I don't even open up with my family, let alone. 

My introversion doesn't allow me to open up with people at all. 

 

I only open up when all my guards are down and I'm totally intimate with the person 

 

I open up very slowly and gradually when the intimacy becomes stronger and I can feel comfortable being vulnerable 

 

I never used to express much to my ex boyfriends because they never gave me the chance even in months in the relationship 

 

 

My only way to open up my wounds is in a journal. 

 

Unfortunately people use this Vulnerability in journals to target and harass a person by using their personal life details against them

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

I will always be Daddy's little girl 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you Daddy for giving me that confidence 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

I will win this. No matter what. 

 

 

 

 

Nothing can defeat me anymore. I got this. 

 

 

 

 

Be your authentic self. That's all. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Anyone who is with me is always going through a roller coaster. 

 

 

 

I'm Sorry that you have to deal with 

Someone like me.

 

 

Goodluck 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

What happens when someone very precious enters your life suddenly? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You want to protect that preciousness with all your might!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I'm asking myself why do I suddenly feel so strong today? 

What happened today specifically that I felt like I can do this finally? 

 

 

I think it was being and feeling absolutely free. 

 

I asked myself early morning when I woke up, what is the worst that can happen? 

The worst that can happen is that I can/could die. 

Then I saw everyone hating me for no particular reason. 

I contemplated on this hate for a few minutes. 

Does their hate define me? 

The answer is no. 

 

What made feel good is this thought that whether someone loves me or hates me, nothing really matters in the end.. I'm  a me. 

I can continue building my life even if a few people hate me 

I can still thrive despite their hate (of me) 

 

It gave me a sense of Liberation. Feeling liberated from social acceptance and validation. 

 

What happens when each and every person hates me. Hahahahahaha. The joke is actually on them. Because now they have to put up with a person they so so so so hate. How is that for a plot twist? I mean I'm free like a bird. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Yo bitch 

 

      I'm a Pisces 

 

 

[Preety_India]

My personality is very Piscean.. 

My closest personality  match is NIRVANA frontman Kurt Cobain. 

I'm suicidal and enigmatic like he was.. 

Plus I have a huge need for spreading my wings as far and wide as possible. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

What happens when you don't give a fuck....... Like at all. 

My mind is racing right now. It's on fire. 

There's tiny bit of stage Red in me especially when I'm angry. 

I can go on a rampage but I generally don't. 

I'm very visual. All my thoughts are like images. 

                 

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[Preety_India]

#tryingtogetmylifetogether