The Script

[RickyFitts]

@ivankiss I've crossed paths with foxes on two or three occasions that I can remember, and I'm not too proud to admit that they always scared the bejesus out of me ? Always a moment where we'd warily size each other up and then they'd slope off, much to my relief... anyway, nice to know that you have rather more of a rapport with Basil Brush and his mates, Ivan! 

[ivankiss]

@RickyFitts Haha! That's hilarious  To me, foxes are absolutely beautiful creatures. And even more so: wolves. I wanna say I'd absolutely love to have one as a pet, but I don't really resonate with the word... So I'll say; I'd absolutely love to have a fox or a wolf as a long-term companion 

[RickyFitts]

3 hours ago, ivankiss said:

@RickyFitts Haha! That's hilarious  To me, foxes are absolutely beautiful creatures. And even more so: wolves. I wanna say I'd absolutely love to have one as a pet, but I don't really resonate with the word... So I'll say; I'd absolutely love to have a fox or a wolf as a long-term companion 

I think that's a much better way of thinking about it, I love that  

[ivankiss]

BELIEVE

Do you believe what some might say can't be could be reality

Let seven be the one for me; six chapters of life laced with mystery

 

Awaiting discovery

Immune you become

a war to be won

the soul of a voice

Let the voice of the soul be free

 

For most it does not come easily

For some it comes with pain

From a thought to a living sight

For some it's a life for some a game

 

There are things in life worth fighting for

And some things are better off let go

A dream secured long ago or yesterday

Close to the top there's no looking down

 

When you believe

Do you believe?

If you believe

You must believe!

 

If I was paid for disappointments

I would be a wealthy man

The magic lives in sincerity, in truth

Behind the thoughts I choose to stand

Awaiting discovery

[ivankiss]

On my way to work. First day, working a 12 hour shift. Planning on working double shifts for some time now. From 10 to 14 hours a day.

Let me make this perfectly clear;

There is absolutely no way I'd do this if I was financially independent. The only reason I'm grinding now, is because I need that money to invest it into my LP. In a sense; this is completely against my authentic self. My soul, even. There is nothing fruitful in it, besides the money. So it's not like I'm too happy about it. But there is no other way.

I'll try my best to make this transition as smooth as possible. And hopefully, in six months or so; I'm out the door, never to look back.

[ivankiss]

First day was smooth as butter. Barely got tired. Coworkers are cool and kind. Some are quite attractive, too. 

I love how fancy the place is. I feel very classy. Love how I can practice true politeness. Etiquette. I carry myself like a million bucks. Much charisma. Charm.

Nice dress code, too.

It kinda surprised me how good the tips were. But really, I should not be surprised, at all. These qualities attract money, big time.

Tomorrow; there is another 12 hour shift ahead of me. Feeling quite motivated.

On track. In time.

I know why I'm doing this and where it's leading me. At least, that's what the script says.

[ivankiss]

46 & 2

Join in my
Join in my child
And listen, digging through
My old numb shadow

My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking Scabs again
I'm down, digging through
My old muscles looking for a clue

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in
I want to feel the changes coming down
I want to know what I've been hiding

In my shadow
My shadow
Change is coming through my shadow
My shadow's
Shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again

Join in my
Join in my child
Shadow's
Closer to meaning

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
Insecure delusions
I wanna feel the change consume me
Feel the outside turning in
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured in

My shadow
My shadow
Change is coming
Now is my time
Listen to my muscle memory
Contemplate what I've been clinging to
Forty six and two ahead of me

I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through

I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through

See my shadow changing
Stretching up and over me
Soften this old armor
Hoping I can clear the way by
Stepping through my shadow
Coming out the other side
Step into the shadow
Forty six and two are just ahead of me

[ivankiss]

I am a reflection

A projection you are

We are of Love

In Love: we are not

 

In Love two cannot be

In Love we are unseen

 

Only I can see you

Only yesterday knows tomorrow

Love knows only now

If indeed it knew at all

 

I see you, therefore I am not

Come closer

Seal the gap

Fear is remembrance 

Love is forever

 

 

(more than just a poem)

[ivankiss]

Deep hypnosis meditation, 82bpm, delta waves.

Sleep.

[ivankiss]

All alone in city lights, where you absorb the echo

[ivankiss]

No freakin' way! Look what I just found!

My heart is melting right now. I could look at these photos forever. Love this kid so much.

 

[ivankiss]

I believe this was around the time when I first discovered my highest calling. My deepest passion. I was blissfully oblivious.

Mother, thank you for all. Your love for me is undeniable. And even though I can barely recall moments of you being by my side; I know you only left to secure a better future for me. That was your highest calling.

Much love and respect; your one and only son.

[ivankiss]

What I do remember, crystal clearly, is the night you first left on that bus to a land far, far away. The sky was crying with me. Grandpa could barely pull me away out of your grip. On that night, a part of me died. On that night, separation came into being. For the very first time, ever.

I was looking for you, looking for me, looking for The Light; ever since that terrible night.

I found it, mother. It took a while, but I never stopped searching. I found Love. Love that is stronger than a thousand storms. Deeper than the ocean's floor. Unconditional and everlasting. I an reunited with it. I am whole. Yet it still pains me, to this day, when I look into those eyes of a tragedy.

Eyes of a fallen angel.

I only hope one day you'll find your way too.

[RickyFitts]

 

You're a beautiful soul, Ivan  Funny, I got to thinking the other day about looking through my old childhood pics, Lord knows why. Maybe it's because I've been thinking about my inner child just lately (you know, as you do!), I dunno.

[ivankiss]

Some say negligence is the worst kind of abuse. Little did I know...

Father, you abandoned me when I could barely speak. Barely walk. I will never understand how could you look into those deep blue eyes of your three year old son, and walk out the door. Never to return.

I was waiting for you to come visit me. I was waiting for so long. But you never came. You never called. Not even on my birthday.

I know your soul weeps. I know you carry the burden. You will drag it to your solitary grave. May God forgive you for all that my heart is not big enough to forgive. 

Years ago, when I came seeking for you, I hoped for some kind of resolution. I hoped for a moment of clarity. But you had no strength to sit with me in an empty room. You dragged me to your new family. People I could not care less about. There I was, now a young man, standing tall and strong. Full of life. Full of ambition. Full of love and passion. And you... you were barely a shadow of a man. Smaller than a grain of sand. 

I saw it all in your eyes. I saw the pain. Pain so deep it is unspeakable.

I understand, I think. I would shake and tremble in your shoes, too. I would cower under those endless layers of shame and guilt, too. I understand, Father. And I forgive you, as far as my forgiveness can reach. The rest is in God's hands. Your soul is.

 

[ivankiss]

@RickyFitts Much love and respect to you ❤

Inner child, outer child, we're all children, no matter how you flip it. Innocent and beautiful.

[RickyFitts]

@ivankiss The same to you, my friend ❤

52 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

Inner child, outer child, we're all children, no matter how you flip it. Innocent and beautiful.

Yes... exactly ?

[ivankiss]

Corruption, corruption, corruption. Everywhere I look. Turns out; my boss is a massive pig. No big surprise there.

Scratch six months. I'm switching jobs very soon. And hopefully exiting wage slavery once and for all.

I'd rather starve than choke what's killing me down

[ivankiss]

I know what I want. In deep detail. And that is what I'm getting. Nothing bellow. 

No question about it.

Thing is; as most of us, I've been spending an enormous amount of time on the other side of the spectrum. I needed to see clearly what it is that I don't what. I needed to feel the pain of it all. The dissonance. 

I had to go through all that struggle. Life had to devastate me, hard, on several occasions. Only that way could I know for sure. Only that way could I reclaim my power and step into the truth of who I am. Step into The Light.

This chapter is bound to end, very soon.

[ivankiss]

The Great Sacrifice

Thank you for giving your life for me. Thank you for never giving up. Thank you for your faith, your courage, your stubbornness, your foolishness. Your commitment. Your blood, sweat and tears. Your pure, unconditional trust and love. Your flesh and your soul.

I am because of you.