Unexplained distress, depression, crying - inability to be in an intimate relationshi

[selfvalley]

I am experiencing something that I struggle to identify and understand what it is and where is it coming from. I've been searching everywhere for a forum or a video that I can relate to, I can't find anything, and I feel extremely depressed. I'll describe it as well as I can. 

When I don't date or hook up with other girls, I am able to focus on my life, do stuff and improve without feeling like I need a romatic partner beside me. But when I start going into that game of dating and hooking up I get severe emotional distress, depression and cry for hours on end. The problem is that whenever someone asks me why I feel this way I just cannot answer it and I feel even worse. I know that thoughts are what lead to emotions but when I try contemplate for hours on why I feel that way after going out with a girl it feels like I have a brick in my head. I hooked up with a girl a week ago and while we were kissing and cuddling it felt amazing but when I get home I think about the experience a lot and cry but I can't understand why I'm crying. 

Yesterday, I hooked up with her again and all her friends and my friends were together hanging out. My mood starts detoriating as soon as the girl does things like checking her phone all the time because she had to go, or seeming uninterested in intimacy (unlike me) and what hurt the most was when she left. When a girl leaves earlier than I expect I feel extremely upset and dating very quickly starts to seem pointless to me.

Then a minute passed after they left and I start bawling my eyes out, rolling on the floor shaking, heavy breathing and I just could not stop, everyone was trying to snap me out of it but I just couldn't. This overreaction is probably because we smoked some weed and drank quite a bit earlier but I've previously had similar reactions while sober. 

In my previous long term relationships, what I’ve also noticed that 99% of the time I would get home after hanging out with my girlfriend I would feel unexplainably upset and just stare at the wall, couldn’t understand the thought process that’s going on in my head and why I’m behaving like such a baby. 99% of the time when I get home I feel like my batteries are drained and I get this craving for solitude and hiking mountains alone to somehow “recharge”.

Another thing is going on first dates and realizing the person is boring, the day on the date I would feel like on top of the world, doing kind things to people dancing to music alone just literally feeling like I’m on some hard drug and then when I go on the date and realize the person is boring I go home and cry with hours along with a depressive episode that lasts a week or more...

I love intimacy, love the feeling when I just lay back and cuddle with a girl but it just simply never feels enough and I never feel satisfied afterwards no matter how good the date went. And I do have hobbies, workout 6 days a week and feel pretty amazing but when I start dating and hooking up it seems like it is a double edged sword for me… What can I do to be more stable when it comes to dating and intimacy? I want to know what do I need to work on whether it’s self love or something else, I would love to hear what you guys on this forum think? Thank you.

Edited August 29, 2021 by selfvalley

[Cathal]

Have you been abandoned before?

What is the relationship like with your parents? Dig deep, after you ask that then explain also what your parents relationship with each other like? If nothing comes up, then parents with family.

It's just beaming out to me, so it's best you try to write straight from heart when talking about your parents because I have been through this almost word for word. 

[selfvalley]

In this post I had a short paragraph about my childhood but I deleted it because I thought the post would be too long to read. Anyways, I had it written in a word document and here is the paragraph:

Today I tried doing some research around childhood trauma because I thought maybe I have some underlying traumas as a child but as much as I can remember I was grown in an ideal envoriment where I was loved and looked after. But there was one particular memory from my childhood that I recalled while being drenched in that sorrow and it was a memory where my mother would not let me get close to her or hug her when I did something wrong as a child. I just recalled those memories in that moment and it made me cry even more it made me scream. I had smoked some weed and maybe that might’ve triggered it because this was kinda a forgotten memory for me... But it's interesting because I recalled those memories just after the girl left. Keep in mind that this girl is just a booty call for me, I don't really resonate with her energy I was just going for a regular hookup but I still get unexplainably hurt...

 

 

It feels good that I finally found someone that can relate... But anyways I think I had a pretty good childhood, my parent's relationship was good and I think I was well looked after. Maybe my mom's ways of punishment went too far sometimes idk... I was also getting beaten as a child alot but never to the extremes, I was told that a litle beating is a good way to teach and raise me to understand what I should and shouldn't do...

 

Also why has this never happend with a very good friend when they leave after we're hanging out? I often ask that question and I can't answer it to myself

Edited August 29, 2021 by selfvalley

[hamedsf]

you have lots of insecure factors at play. it's hard to tell them one by one in a few sentences but you might have had an negative upbringing around sexual stuff. 

[Cathal]

yeah this is just one of these conditioned things you have to work on man because the thing is you will always unconsciously seek to have this need met that your mother didn't provide you because sounds like she was raised this way. she thinks is normal and doesn't have the awareness to see it as it is and she tried her best with you but since she was conditioned to be like this you also, if you want to think about it like this and how thich naht hahn refers to it as 'you are carrying her pain inside of you' it's like a generational trauma you inherited, like the colour of eyes - this pain is like your mother, the pain she probably has to deal with for most of her life. but now you, the next person of your parents, need to workout your parents trash they pushed on you - if that makes sense,

you are not really an individual identity like you think more so a big enmeshment of conditioning that creates this identity,  you'll likely spend your life working on letting it go like most of us here are. so do yourself a favour and get a therapist because you'll spend the next several years of your life in deep fear that this girls you meet will abandon you over and over again so you an actually have a real relationship because these aren't relationships, you are seeking to fulfill a deep wound in yourself.

it's a good time to look into the inner child stuff, i have been working on it for the past 3 years and i've had some seriously deep cathartic realeses and connections to that part of me, it's the real deal and there's a looot of material to look into.

 the therapist can act like a mirror for the inner child to express its pain. its way more effective in my experience to do this than by yourself, because you can definitely get to a point alone but it's really so much better to do it with a person

 

anyways that's just my thoughts 

good luck with that stuff bro

Edited August 29, 2021 by catcat69123

[Cathal]

and when this feeling comes up when you meet a girl or whenever it does just realize this is nothing to do with the girl and it's not your fault, it's very important to see that because you may project onto someone eventually or put yourself down because you blame yourself for feeling it but if you see it for what it is it's not anyones fault, there is no one to blame.

but you do have to learn how to accept forgive and let go of that weight you're carrying because you just did not understand, you were powerless in the way you were conditioned you only have to see you're responsible for carrying it right now and having the awareness not to identify with it when you meet girls as 'my pain, my suffering, my feeling, what is and why won't it go away' its just there. it is just there, so when it comes up let it come up and be there and see other people are just shining a light on it but it's nothing to do with the peson.

it's just a trauma that hasn't been let go because it is extremely painful not to be loved when you need tobe loved as a children and when we grow up we completely forget how painful it was.

[Advocate]

In addition to the incident with your mom - trauma may also come from the time when your mother was pregnant with you or during your birth. It may also be from a past life or something that was genetically (and socially) transferred to you from your parents. In my experience there are often times layers of traumatic events that you can trace back, for instance: childhood memory X -> birth -> life Y -> life Z. 
The good news is that the more conscious you become, the more you get to the root cause of your behavior. Psychedelics are very useful in order to deal with trauma, especially MDMA has helped me a lot. Good luck!