Finding a therapist who sees my vision for emotional mastery

[Thought Art]

Recently I've been sharing my internal dialogue with my therapist thinking should would understand why I was doing it, but she was basically like "You may need medication". Maybe she is right, however I think she was projecting onto me.

I had an overall very positive and productive week. When I noticed negative thought patterns arise or negative emotions say, about my recent exam failure, instead of getting caught up in them I was noting them, showing them compassion and either writing them down or just sending her a message sharing her the thoughts. I found that having someone to share my thoughts with like a professional was in itself healing. So,  just noted the thought and expressed it to her and felt better and moved on. But, she couldn't believe me and was telling me to go get medication. I found this very annoying because I see myself growing every week and see all the books I am reading, yoga, meditation, journaling and talking to her to be really helpful. She thought I was having mood swings because I would share a negative emotion, and a postive emotion in the same sentence. She couldn't grasp that I could feel both positive, and negative about my exam. I studied hard for 2 months, and paid 700 dollars for it and got nothing in return. So, anger and sadness make sense as natural healthy reactions. Maybe I used too strong of language in the texts but, that is how I speak. That, it was very frustrating and triggering limiting beliefs but, I also saw good in it and knew I could use it as a chance for learning. Which was what I was doing by noting my emotions, thoughts, feelings and sharing them with her and then relaxing through meditation, journaling, Qigong and speaking to her. All of this helped immensely. But she was too blind to acknowledge any of this. 

To me, what was noting a thought, feeling, emotion, or impulse and sharing it with her, noting it instead of getting caught up in it... She saw as mood swings based on text. And nothing I said to her would get through. I have an ADHD diagnoses and feel strong emotions, and that is something I like and enjoy about myself and on't want to numb with medication. I found simply by noting the emotions, feelings, thoughts, sensations and getting them off my chest was therapeutic enough to then be able to refocus and remain positive throughout the week. Are all my fears, anxieties etc gone? No. But, I am making progress.

To me that was her job, to listen to my emotions and be professional feedback based on cognitive behavioural therapy. 

I don't have a chemical imbalance, I have old thought patterns and poor ways of dealing with my emotions that I picked up from my family and society. I don't need medication, I need time, effort, practice and greater self understanding and compassion and self love. But, none of this got through to her. Maybe I am completely deluded but I don't think so. I perceive a lot of growth happening within me. I see my mental health as a long term project and I don't judge any of my thoughts as but, I am noting them, exploring them getting to understand myself and my lack of inner unification. How else am I to become emotionally mature and unified if I don't bring the negative or irrational thoughts to the surface and let them burn in the light of day. Which can only happen through radical self honesty and self observation and  I also think being able to share what I know are unhealthy thoughts with others so I can being to rewire and reprogram these aspects of myself. 

I want a therapist who will push me, listen to me, and ask me questions etc. Not be lazy and recommend a medication when I am overall pretty stable. I think that I just share thoughts that most people would hide in fear of someone saying "take medication". No, I am going to feel my emotions, note my thoughts and continue to get to know myself and my unconscious patterns. I am going to improve my spinal health, breathing patterns, ability to relax my muscles and nervous system, develop my friendlier more compassion inner dialogue and allow my emotions to be heard, seen, and those negative inner voices to be heard and listened to with love and compassion. All my thoughts are sacred. The negative emotions and thoughts are showing me where I need work, or where I am feeling angry about something. I don't want to cover them up, but feel into them and get to know myself.

It frustrated me that she wouldn't listen to me, that she projected her own understanding based on text. I should be able to share my existential frustrations or judgments, negative strong emotions, and "pseudo suicidal thoughts" with her without them being considered unstable mood swings. These are thought patterns I picked up from my family as it was common to say things like "Well, I'll just kill myself, I feel so frustrated and full of self doubt". But, it doesn't mean I am actually suicidal. Just, being a drama queen in the moment. 

I think therapists can be lazy, like what is the fucking point of us talking about cognitive behavioural therapy, which I think is very important, and talking about developing emotional mastery with her and developing more robust, nuanced and a higher AQ response to adversity which I clearly showed myself I can do this week... It just pisses me off how lazy therapists are. I am not unstable chemically..., I just have pain and suffering from life circumstances that I am working through and healing. Now, I am open to the possibility of trying medication. However, to me I want to actually develop emotional mastery through observation, reflection, eating, sleeping, proper posture etc.. feeling into the emotions and working on it day by day, week by week. Which I am doing. I felt annoyed that instead of seeing my progress, she just lazily says meds. I honestly have yet to find a good therapist, and find that they are just someone to talk to. They seem rather dense and lazy so far. Often giving me advice that like my mother would give me. Anyway.

I am just sharing that we need to use all the tools at my disposal, given my own intuition. I continue experimenting with new therapists as I think they are an important tool for many of us. Also, sharing my process because I have nothing to hide anymore. I am where I am.

Edited August 29, 2021 by Thought Art

[asifarahim]

U need to get deep into yoga,meditation.medication pills are good for nothing for happiness.in my experience  meditation and yoga>pills for me.i am  trying to stop taking pills.i have been taking it for 4 years.yoga and meditation removed my depression while pills did nothing.

 

[ted73104]

Yes, keep finding new therapists. It takes time to find the right one for yourself.

[Leo Gura]

Try to find therapists who actually do some spiritual practice themselves.

Without spiritual practice a therapist is gonna be pretty clueless, especially relative to the kind of stuff we talk about here.

You can also find life coaches who have paranormal abilities and are very spiritually attuned. Although these New Agey folk can also be bad listeners and project their New Age ideas on you.

[roopepa]

https://tuulasaarela.com/tuula-saarela/

She is really good. I have transpersonal therapy sessions with her.