I'm fucking jealous to my ex-girlfriend's success

[EugeneTheSage]

She is 19 and I am 20. We are both Ukrainians and we are currently locating in Poland.

So...

At the age of 15 she healed type II arthrosis by raw diet and detox protocols. She has deep knowledge about health and nutrition

Since the age of 15, she is financially independent of her parents. From the age of 17, she started importing iPhones from the US/UK and selling them.

She was earning enough money to go to different meditation/yoga/detox retreats in Bali and other parts of the world. She visited at least 5 of those and they were costing at least 300$ dollars each. Remember, Ukraine is no rich country, this amount is an average salary there.

She has a beautiful body

She has a Macbook, she has a motorcycle, she already had 2 cars in her life! Not even to mention she is able to drive a car and motorcycle and I'm not. Even blender: I have a 1000W one and she has 2000W!

She had invested 2000$ in cryptocurrencies. She told me a story that once she earned 120$ in 2 hours in front of her friend just to show how it works

Her colleague-businessman wants her to invest his 100 000 PLN into cryptocurrencies! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

She told me about her mystical experiences: she was doing some Vipassana for 10 mins and she relaxed so deeply that she experienced profound feelings of being infinite (she couldn't describe it very well). I didn't have experiences any close to that without the help of psychedelics

And yesterday evening, after a month of acquaintance, she told me we would remain friends because we are too different. And she is right! We have different lifestyles: I am working for a boss, she is a boss; I would sit in a cubicle for 20 years and she would travel all over the world; she has a lot of free time and a very loose schedule and I am bound to work on a nine-to-five job. I was crying so bitter - as so somebody peels me alive

I feel shattered. Maybe in my 40s, I would reach her level at 15s

Since I've started my self-actualization journey I felt special: that I'd become a president or the richest man on the planet or like Leo. Now I feel humiliated

My mum is into astrology and she says that it could be the case I've experienced enough success in previous incarnations and now I just not interested in success a lot. I indeed wasn't interested in selling stuff and doing business for money's sake though I had a lot of chances. I was always returning to my 3d graphic passion. Of course, this incarnation stuff could be just a comfortable delusion - I just use it as a mental trick to calm myself down

However there are some cons to her: she is illiterate and has a lot of misspellings; she speaks only Ukrainian and Russian whereas I speak Ukrainian, Russian, Polish, and English - all at a master level. Also, she is into flat earth and COVID conspiracy theories - that's nonsense

I also had a chance to sell phones because my dad is into them - but it never interested me. I wanted to do 3d graphics - that's what I am deeply passionate about

Maybe it feels that I am deep into jealousy and I am stuck but really it is not - I just write down the extremes of my mood swings

If I play in the game of jealousy and competition I am bound to fail - there always would be some guy or girl that is more successful than me. I've already lost this war. I need to search for some other fulfillment than success.

Also, I feel how my jealousy is ignorance. And the cure to it is wisdom. Contemplation.

Also, I recognize how jealousy is cracking the shell I've imprisoned myself into. Because for the last few years I was into compulsive behavior, working on a construction site, making big debts. This cracking of the old ego makes me remind of my older excellent self that I was at the beginning of the journey

 When I heard she had 2 cars it was like somebody stroked my spine with a stick. My ego is howling piercingly

Jealousy is just a perverted form of love. I sometimes disidentify with it and feel how 'it' is just God fascinating at its own potency

If I would go and deep clean my body (she is helping me with detox protocols by the way) and master my mind to the superhuman degree - which is my goal - all this jealousy stuff would be irrelevant. Your greatness is not the ranking on fortune500 but the internal state. As I slowly become more healthier and relaxed I start to enable into this sage-genius-like state of excellence, greatness, unlimitedness - and this is only the beginning

I know that growth is not linear and here are examples of this:

• Leo was studying at University till the age of 24 and haven't success any close to my ex-girlfriend at the age of 19.
• Steve Jobs found Apple at the age of 21 (I have one more year to outrun him!)
• Abraham Maslow had hard teenage years and also was studying for a long before he became an actualized human being
• Yogananda wasn't earning a lot of money, though he is a profound human being
• Tony Robbins had a period of addictive behavior at the age of 18, a lot of junk food - just like me
• Sri Yukteshwar Giri was just a simple householder before he became a profound Sage
• Stephen King - though I don't like his content but I consider him a succesful writer - was fucking looser for the most of his life and was following his passion of writing even during hardest chapters of his life. He was drug and alkohol addict, and yet finally he had become successful.
• Alber Einstein was a fucking clerk working on the post office for an entire youth
• Nicola Tesla also was studying in university till the age of 24 and didn't have a business at that age.

I doubt my girlfriend would ever come close to the last 2 examples. Anyways it is not about competition. I use those examples just to calm myself down

Till the end of writing this post, I feel really OK with it. I know it will return. Maybe she would by the way say that she has some house in a luxury area

What I am about to do with this (how will my behaviour change):

• deep detox of the body. Clean all that crap I've eaten out. I'm not just planning, I've already improved my diet and made the arrangements for the first castor oil detox
• self-massage all of my muscles so deep that I'm so relaxed that I feel like a superconductor of God. Here I also don't just speak a lot. I'm doing foam roller massage of the calves and quadriceps - and my sleep and mood improved dramatically
• I don't suppose to avoid her. No. I am about to learn and soak as much of her entrepreneurship spirit as I can
• I am about to face suffering directly - not to avoid them by masturbation, but ground myself in the unpleasant feelings
• I am about to buy a life purpose course in this year. Thats because I've started to doubt my current passion of 3D graphic design
• I'll read Sadhguru book Karma till the end of this year

I would like to hear your wisdom and some paradigm shifts and reframes!

Thank you!

Edited August 28, 2021 by EugeneTheSage
to make a phrase in the first lines "bold"

[Nobody_Here]

It sounds like she is an entrepreneur in Stage Red. Red is not all bad; it has some positive aspects as well such as entrepreneurial success. That said, Red has a lot to learn and I do not admire it. Personally, I would aim to be Stage Yellow or Turquoise. Give yourself time to reach that stage, though. Also, you are both very young and have plenty of time to succeed (or seriously mess up) your lives. Give yourself some time to reach success. Don’t bother comparing yourself to others; only compare yourself to who you were yesterday, as that is the most justifiable measuring stick. 

[EugeneTheSage]

I agree - it is better to compare to yourself yeasterday and as Buddha said "Do your best".

I don't agree she is at red. I think she has strong orange and green. Ok maybe I don't know spiral dynamics that well.

She don't seem chasing money. She said that she don't wanna to act with "men's instinct$" of achieving and earning more - connection with people is more interesting to her. Enterprenurity is natural way of thinking. Her brain is just wired that way.

[Nahm]

On 8/28/2021 at 9:30 AM, EugeneTheSage said:

ground myself in the unpleasant feelings

Your scope & breadth of contemplation and your introspection at your age is outstanding. You are already very wise, as you think things through and seek more perspectives. My two cents would be to flip to the opposite polarity on that particular perspective (quoted above). I’ll say it in an extreme manor to really draw out the point… there is no such thing or experience as ‘unpleasant feelings’. Again, I’m being extreme. Utilize the emotional scale, incorporate it. Recognize it’s simplicity and importance, in transmutation. Jealousy isn’t as much about you and her, or anyone. It’s a pointing back to yourself, that you are unlimited in your creating. Through the lens of ‘there are unpleasant feelings’, this could be missed. Through the lens of ‘this is divine guidance’, there is letting go, and what arises, follows behind, what was let go. 

To some extent, there is a lens that you are this person, in a physical world. That’ll change over time, and the incoming realizations will flip that perspective. If ever I’ve seen someone looking to remain ahead of things it’s you. So this is an offering to that. 

Jealousy isn’t fixed, a given, a thing of this world, or ‘just how it is sometimes’. It’s a major pointing to truth, and to the role of us humans in creator creating creation. I don’t think you wallow, I think you use it as gasoline for desire. That’s great. Surely you’ve seen how one could wallow in jealousy, or any ‘unpleasant feeling’. I would consider listening to the whisper of unpleasant feelings… and take the cue to transmute. By transmute, I mean ‘up & out’. Something to empty of, that the new may fill in. 

The emotional scale is a simple and yet unsuspectingly powerful tool. If I experience even a hint, a whisper of jealousy, I want it, I dine on it, I want to incorporate every once of it - because what will arise in me when I do is yet again visions and dreams anew. There is a process I humble to, and in a nutshell it is the emotional scale. I do ‘reach for’ hatred & rage. I don’t skip it, and I don’t rush it, and I express it as authentically as I can. I’ll listen to RATM and hit the heavy bag. I’ll literally have my wife slap my face as hard as she can to get pissed off. It’s a win win sometimes. 

Then I genuinely express that anger, I feel the discouragement of it, I do blame someone, some thing, the world, and I feel the doubt & disappointment of this, and so on. 

What’s happening overall is we experience, we intrinsically & effortlessly derive preference, and we focus on the preference and let all self doubt go, and this is creation. We are not accidental, we are essential. We are love, creating, experiencing. 

Albeit seemingly subtle, the distinction between grounding myself in unpleasant feelings… and absolutely no aversion to the emotions I am experiencing - is actually paramount for a creator. 

Your bullet point list of what you’re planing to do is great. Do all that stuff. It’s wise. But - don’t forget to get that juice directly out of the jealousy. What a gift for you she is. What a gift for me you are. 

[EugeneTheSage]

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

Jealousy isn’t as much about you and her, or anyone. It’s a pointing back to yourself, that you are unlimited in your creating.

Absolutely agree with this. I also was feeling/thinking of the same. It is just God wonders at its own excellence.

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

and take the cue to transmute.

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

What a gift for you she is

Yes, transmutation is what I do.  I'm very grateful for her appearing in my life and I very much appreciate jealousy by itself.

[Nobody_Here]

On 8/28/2021 at 8:30 AM, EugeneTheSage said:

However there are some cons to her: she is illiterate and has a lot of misspellings; she speaks only Ukrainian and Russian whereas I speak Ukrainian, Russian, Polish, and English - all at a master level. Also, she is into flat earth and COVID conspiracy theories - that's nonsense

Illiteracy and strong belief in wild conspiracy theories typically aren't characteristics of people in Orange/Green--just saying. 

I agree with @Nahm to see her as a personal growth experience and then move on. She’s financially successful, but that is the only plus I see in her from your description. 

[hamedsf]

grab her by the pu$$y!

[EugeneTheSage]

3 hours ago, hamedsf said:

grab her by the pu$$y!

You can't grab her by the pu$$y if you feel like shit in comparison to her. I don't feel any more but this emotion returns sometimes. I better clean myself fully from this feeling (I am not very far from it) and then give it a try. Otherwise, I would be sliding back&forth between normal state and state "I am shit". She started to like me because I was in this super-confident state - I was doing a lot of Shambhavi, eating very healthy - but then I masturbated a few times and she saw completely different guy - who she disliked.

Also I recognize how this is a work of increasing your level of integrity because when I experience waves of jealousy and "I'm shit" feeling - those are just divided parts of me. It feel as so I become another personality during these emotions. So I need to integrate this division of me

13 hours ago, Nobody_Here said:

Illiteracy and strong belief in wild conspiracy theories typically aren't characteristics of people in Orange/Green--just saying. 

I think conspiracy theories, flat earth, anti-vaccine are toxic excesses of Green. People who are into raw/veganism often buy in this stuff.

13 hours ago, Nobody_Here said:

Illiteracy and strong belief in wild conspiracy theories typically aren't characteristics of people in Orange/Green--just saying. 

I agree with @Nahm to see her as a personal growth experience and then move on. She’s financially successful, but that is the only plus I see in her from your description. 

She is very healthy, and her mind is calm - you can sense that during the conversation. She also has deep knowledge about health - you can see how her advices about health aren't superficial. Also as I mentioned before she pretty easily gets into mystical experiences. She even says she is a bit scared to meditate.

Yesterday night I was doing Shambhavi Mahamudra Kriya and was feeling greatness and excellence and self-sufficiency - no jealousy can survive during that state. That is the cure

[Nobody_Here]

4 hours ago, EugeneTheSage said:

I think conspiracy theories, flat earth, anti-vaccine are toxic excesses of Green. People who are into raw/veganism often buy in this stuff.

Yes, but people in Green usually aren't illiterate. They had to pass through the rationality stage of Orange before rejecting it. 

Don't get me wrong. I know Green-ish New Agers who have fallen for conspiracy theories, so I understand what you mean. However, people in Green often have unintegrated aspects of Red in them. That and their rejection of Orange's rationality is what makes them so vulnerable to conspiracy theories and other unhealthy aspects of Red. However, I don't see that operating here based on what you've described.  

4 hours ago, EugeneTheSage said:

She is very healthy, and her mind is calm - you can sense that during the conversation. She also has deep knowledge about health - you can see how her advices about health aren't superficial. 

This person may be Green; I admit I don't know this person. However, the aspects you are jealous of are Red -- good aspects of Red. Red is about self-confidence, self-empowerment, and self-preservation, as well as entrepreneurship. Think of a cool, collected samurai warrior. The Samurai we see in movies is an exemplar of the good qualities of Red.  

I've recommended this book to someone else on the forum, but "The Turquoise Brick Road" is a wonderful book that makes Clare-Graves' Spiral Dynamics accessible to a modern audience. There is a lot to learn from the positive aspects of Stage Red, but there is also nothing to be jealous of because of Red's foibles. If I were you, I would definitely look into getting a copy of the book so you can learn to integrate Red. The kindle version is available on Amazon, but it doesn't display correctly on some pages, so I recommend that you order the hardcopy on https://theturquoisebrickroad.com.  

Edited August 30, 2021 by Nobody_Here

[Thought Art]

Nice self reflection. Being able to recognize envy/ jealousy is important.

I was really jealous of my Ex's spiritual and emotional development. She makes a lot of money with her spiritual business...

I jealousy can be used constructively if you then, stop being a victim and just go and get what you want instead of feeling conflict with her. 

Edited August 30, 2021 by Thought Art

[EugeneTheSage]

@Nobody_Here I will check

[EugeneTheSage]

3 hours ago, Thought Art said:

Nice self reflection. Being able to recognize envy/ jealousy is important.

I was really jealous of my Ex's spiritual and emotional development. She makes a lot of money with her spiritual business...

I jealousy can be used constructively if you then, stop being a victim and just go and get what you want instead of feeling conflict with her. 

Agree. I already used it and continue using jealousy

[NoSelfSelf]

Why didnt you think to be happy for her? it seems that this relationship is like competition or something...

Why are you friends with her? Isnt that a terrible position to be?

You have your own journey and pace of development mybe shes at 100% already and you are at 10%...

Edit:can you point me to detox sources im interested ?

[EugeneTheSage]

2 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Why didnt you think to be happy for her? it seems that this relationship is like competition or something...

This is an emotion. And it arises because of my wiring of a brain. Some other people wouldn't feel jealous to her. But I have such a belief system that makes me feel that. I agree competition is not good, but again that is how my brain functions... You know society makes me think that I am a guy and I should be good at making money, I should be macho. And this girl shatters my masculine and self-development and even spiritual ego by showing how she is better at everything at a younger age. But all this is just nonsense. I don't feel much jealousy now, instead, I focus on my life and use a yellow attitude towards my development. I try to shift my paradigm to "what a gift is she to me" because I could learn from her how to become financial independent.

2 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Why are you friends with her? Isnt that a terrible position to be?

She told me we would remain friends i.e we don't continue our relationships. I guess that's because of one meeting when I was really low energy because I masturbated this day before. The first time we met I was really confident and had a lot of energy - she felt like she is under a man's protection and she liked me (she even kissed my cheek). Also, I was calling her too often whereas not having an interesting topic to talk about - so conversations were dull sometimes. And she could sense that I am putting her on a pedestal, I am feeling like shit comparing to her. Girl doesn't like shit guys - she likes when feeling like on a mountain with her man. I wonder if she can start to like me again if I let her go (I often experience when you let girl go after some time she starts to like you again), I will work out jealousy issue, cleanse my body and increase my level of energy.

3 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Edit:can you point me to detox sources im interested ?

I more researching tension release resources. Among detox protocols I researched only castor oil intestine flush but those articles are in russian, so you need to search for yourself