BF is afraid of ejaculation. Suspect Trauma. How to help him to resolve?

[integral]

No one will fulfill your needs. All your needs should already be met with or with out a relationship. 

[mandyjw]

@Vzdoh How do you feel about kids? 

[RickyFitts]

4 hours ago, Nos7algiK said:

What about yourself though? Is the mirror you are holding perfectly centered? Is it polished crystal clear? If there is a blemish on the mirror is the one gazing into it aware it the mirror that is faulty and they don't mistake the blemish for themselves? I don't disagree we should be mirrors in a relationship. But, it's important that which is reflecting is still like water.

Still water holds no biased on who it reflects.
Still water holds no judgement on what it reflects.
Still water cares not to latch onto what it reflects.
Still water never muddies itself, yet always returns to form when disturbed. 

This is amazing 

[Vzdoh]

@integral then why to have a relationship with anyone? If one doesn't expect any needs to be met there? 

Let's all stay single all our lives ?

[Zeroguy]

Jesus Christ guys don't be idiots move on. 

1st world problem right here. 

Who cares about her and her bf. They must've been wonderful couple. 

She is after his money and he is.... rd and that is all. 

She will find other capable guy to fuck her no worries. 

When I think about "helpers" are on same level of "smartness". 

Edited August 30, 2021 by Zeroguy

[Vzdoh]

@mandyjw i am not particularly keen on kids at the moment, but I might change my mind later. 

[mandyjw]

@Vzdoh 

 I suggest this to everyone having any sort of issue in a relationship, it seems stupid but it's shocking what comes about when you really do it. Make a list of things you can do for your own pleasure. Ideas are listening to old favorite songs you haven't heard in forever, starting something fun and crazy like pole dancing, bellydancing (but doesn't have to be sex or attraction oriented at all), reading an old comic strip you used to love, chocolate, a walk down a strange road just to look at pretty houses, walk on the beach, anything like that. Write down everything that comes to mind, that feels inspiring and then then try your best to do three a day. Once you practice taking care of yourself in this way, it's shocking how our perception of our partners change and so their perception of us does as well. 

If you want him to be open to having kids with you later on, (whether you do want them or not, you probably want the option open) encouraging him to heal the relationship with his son and mother would be the way to his being open with you. Of course since you cannot heal something for someone else, this might mean owning your own desires and being secure in yourself to allow and even want this for him. If that sounds like too much, ignore it for now and just focus on feeling great yourself. 

You want greater pleasure and ease for him, and if you allow and cultivate the same in your own life, not just during sex but all the time, it will reflect and expand into all of your lives. It sounds like an indirect way to solve the problem, but it's not. Everything is about sex, except sex. 

[Vzdoh]

13 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

@Vzdoh 

 I suggest this to everyone having any sort of issue in a relationship, it seems stupid but it's shocking what comes about when you really do it. Make a list of things you can do for your own pleasure. Ideas are listening to old favorite songs you haven't heard in forever, starting something fun and crazy like pole dancing, bellydancing (but doesn't have to be sex or attraction oriented at all), reading an old comic strip you used to love, chocolate, a walk down a strange road just to look at pretty houses, walk on the beach, anything like that. Write down everything that comes to mind, that feels inspiring and then then try your best to do three a day. Once you practice taking care of yourself in this way, it's shocking how our perception of our partners change and so their perception of us does as well. 

If you want him to be open to having kids with you later on, (whether you do want them or not, you probably want the option open) encouraging him to heal the relationship with his son and mother would be the way to his being open with you. Of course since you cannot heal something for someone else, this might mean owning your own desires and being secure in yourself to allow and even want this for him. If that sounds like too much, ignore it for now and just focus on feeling great yourself. 

You want greater pleasure and ease for him, and if you allow and cultivate the same in your own life, not just during sex but all the time, it will reflect and expand into all of your lives. It sounds like an indirect way to solve the problem, but it's not. Everything is about sex, except sex. 

Actually, interesting bit, he has a great relationship with his mom and his son. Due to pandemic he hasn't seen them for 1.5 years, but most of us stuck in Singapore, didn't due to current limitations for employment pass holders. 

Actually he is in regular contact with all his close relatives - mom, dad, son, sister and her kids. Weekly family calls every Sunday. 

And I feel like he does want more emotional and human connection with me than just sex, especially that in his life sex led to some quite traumatic experiences. 

So he does not come across as emotionally unavailable at all. But does use work to escape his internal struggles I think. 

That's why I see hope in the better outcome overall. 

I do a lot of stuff for my self pleasure, but probably need to do more. Already have the list for the things that put me into the high energy state. Just need to practice them more. 

Thanks for advice! 

[integral]

1 hour ago, Vzdoh said:

@integral then why to have a relationship with anyone? If one doesn't expect any needs to be met there? 

Let's all stay single all our lives ?

Relationships are transactions, a exchange of goods. Its temporary not to be used as a integral part of ones foundation. No one can give me anything I don’t already have, I am everyone’s friend, father and lover. It’s not mutual lmao

Edited August 30, 2021 by integral

[Raptorsin7]

Are you at peace and happy, or do you still some dissatisfaction with your experience?

@Vzdoh

[Mason Riggle]

@Vzdoh just some input from experience. Take it for what it's worth.


Just to give you some background about my experience-  I'm 46, and have been with my current wife for 7 years.. our sex is mind blowing (we have sex like 3-4 times a week, sometimes more, and this has been consistent for 7 years.. you do the math).   But, before we got together, I had similar problem to you bf.  I wasn't able to ejaculate from a blow job. I'm not sure of all the underlying reasons for this, but my best guess was that I had this notion that cumming in a womans mouth, or on her face, etc. wasn't 'desirable' for the woman and it seemed somehow very disrespectful to me (don't ask me why I thought this way, I don't know).   In my previous relationships, short term or otherwise, I never really received much oral sex, so it wasn't really a problem.  With my ex wife, the 2 or 3 times she did initiate oral, I would make the shift to vaginal at some point so I could finish, and it was never really brought up.. but my current wife enjoys giving me oral pleasure, and it was making her feel bad that she couldn't bring me to completion orally, and I shared with her why I thought I wasn't able to ejaculate from oral.  

Overcoming this inhibition actually wasn't that difficult.. all it really took, was my wife ensuring me that [me ejaculating from oral] was what she desired (not only because she wanted to please me, but because it was fulfilling for her as well).. she did this with her words, as well as her actions- all it took was being able to finish from oral 1 time, to break me out of my cage.  

So my suggestion.. he needs to feel 100% comfortable with ejaculating.   This means he has to lose his fear of getting your pregnant.  Leo's suggestion of a Vasectomy is a good one to accomplish this, but maybe not practical.   

I'm wondering, does he just have an issue ejaculating inside you, or is it that he doesn't ejaculate ever during sex?  Have you tried bringing him to climax other ways than vaginally?   If you begged him to finish on your body, or anally, do you think he could? 

Also, and this is really just a side thought- does he drink alcohol? Maybe a few drinks would lower his inhibitions.. might be worth trying out.. have a few shots before sex. Not enough to be drunk.. just enough to lower his inhibitions.  If he's 'in his head' too much during sex, this might help. 

And one other thing.. Leo doesn't know what he's talking about because he's young and inexperienced.  Men can and do enjoy sex without completion. I'm living proof.   Do I enjoy orgasms, and typically want one? Absolutely. But I don't always have to finish to enjoy sex, and often times I don't finish (for whatever reasons, there are plenty) but my sexual urges are satisfied no less, and I sleep like a baby. 

Edited August 30, 2021 by Mason Riggle

[Vzdoh]

1 hour ago, Mason Riggle said:

@Vzdoh just some input from experience. Take it for what it's worth.


Just to give you some background about my experience-  I'm 46, and have been with my current wife for 7 years.. our sex is mind blowing (we have sex like 3-4 times a week, sometimes more, and this has been consistent for 7 years.. you do the math).   But, before we got together, I had similar problem to you bf.  I wasn't able to ejaculate from a blow job. I'm not sure of all the underlying reasons for this, but my best guess was that I had this notion that cumming in a womans mouth, or on her face, etc. wasn't 'desirable' for the woman and it seemed somehow very disrespectful to me (don't ask me why I thought this way, I don't know).   In my previous relationships, short term or otherwise, I never really received much oral sex, so it wasn't really a problem.  With my ex wife, the 2 or 3 times she did initiate oral, I would make the shift to vaginal at some point so I could finish, and it was never really brought up.. but my current wife enjoys giving me oral pleasure, and it was making her feel bad that she couldn't bring me to completion orally, and I shared with her why I thought I wasn't able to ejaculate from oral.  

Overcoming this inhibition actually wasn't that difficult.. all it really took, was my wife ensuring me that [me ejaculating from oral] was what she desired (not only because she wanted to please me, but because it was fulfilling for her as well).. she did this with her words, as well as her actions- all it took was being able to finish from oral 1 time, to break me out of my cage.  

So my suggestion.. he needs to feel 100% comfortable with ejaculating.   This means he has to lose his fear of getting your pregnant.  Leo's suggestion of a Vasectomy is a good one to accomplish this, but maybe not practical.   

I'm wondering, does he just have an issue ejaculating inside you, or is it that he doesn't ejaculate ever during sex?  Have you tried bringing him to climax other ways than vaginally?   If you begged him to finish on your body, or anally, do you think he could? 

Also, and this is really just a side thought- does he drink alcohol? Maybe a few drinks would lower his inhibitions.. might be worth trying out.. have a few shots before sex. Not enough to be drunk.. just enough to lower his inhibitions.  If he's 'in his head' too much during sex, this might help. 

And one other thing.. Leo doesn't know what he's talking about because he's young and inexperienced.  Men can and do enjoy sex without completion. I'm living proof.   Do I enjoy orgasms, and typically want one? Absolutely. But I don't always have to finish to enjoy sex, and often times I don't finish (for whatever reasons, there are plenty) but my sexual urges are satisfied no less, and I sleep like a baby. 

Dear, thank you so much for sharing.

It is very helpful! 

We have just recently tried oral and although he liked it and was hard, he kinda stopped me from getting him to come via oral. He didn't particularly encourage me to do oral for past few months we were dating either. 

He doesn't drink alcohol. At all. And doesn't do any other relaxative stuff to get his mind out of focus. So I will have to work on his body I think to put him into a relaxed state first like a massage perhaps. 

I never seen him come and since we just tried oral, I think the first step I will do is to try to get him to come with oral consistently and let him know that it is safe and I really enjoy pleasing him. 

Whenever he feels more comfy with oral and overall coming. Progress to the next step and try to get him to come vaginally. We use condoms, so it's quite safe. But I think he is still afraid a lot - like condom can slip etc. 

And I will talk to him about vasectomy at least in terms of asking why he didn't do it so far if he is so afraid to get another girl pregnant? Probably will be a good insight too. 

Interesting part - we talked kids, in the beginning of the relationship. Because I am 39 abd he is 50 and I needed to know where he stands on that point because I didn't want to start dating someone who absolutely doesn't want kids anymore. He said he doesn't mind kids. Not specifically that he actively wants one, but that he is OK with having one if it happens. So then maybe it should go into the direction of deepening the connection and him seeing me as someone from whom it is safe to have kids if it happens I guess. That I am not abusive like his ex, grounded, can express my emotions in a healthy manner etc. 

That's my current train of thought. 

 

Thanks a lot for your male perspective ????

3 hours ago, mandyjw said:

@Vzdoh

[Mason Riggle]

2 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

Not specifically that he actively wants [a child] but that he is OK with having one if it happens. So then maybe it should go into the direction of deepening the connection and him seeing me as someone from whom it is safe to have kids if it happens I guess.

Yeah, at 50 I'd be apprehensive about bringing a child into the world.. not so easy to chase kids around and keep up with their constant energy as you get older!  But, if it's something you both are okay with if it happens that's huge (I wouldn't be so sure he's as okay with it as he outwardly expresses).. 

Definitely keep working on getting him relaxed, but you also want to get him in a state of hyper arousal.. tease him all day, send him dirty messages, wear that skimpy lingerie, watch porn.. whatever gets him going... and then deny him a bit... you want him so frustrated he's ready to rip your clothes off and slam fuck you til he explodes...

Good luck!

Edited August 30, 2021 by Mason Riggle

[IAmReallyImportant]

23 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

@IAmReallyImportant you r projecting and assuming a lot of stuff here. I already commented on the nature of my relationship. I trust him, he is not trying to deceive me, communication is quite good and deep, he is opening up emotionally, I do enjoy sex with him, he makes sure that I am satisfied. 

My concern is about how to help him to lose control and come and enjoy sex more as a result. I never stated I was disappointed or dissatisfied with sex. 

Sounds like low standards if this is enough imo

[Vzdoh]

37 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

Sounds like low standards if this is enough imo

 

You probably haven't read anything I have written here. 

My highest standard is 10 orgasms per session. Normal for me 2-3 per session. He gives me that. 

I am not going to demand highest standard from someone who has an obvious trauma in sex department and controls his ajaculation so much. 

That's just simply not reasonable at thus point. 

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

@Vzdoh

[SLuxy]

@Vzdoh Introduce him to 'do-nothing meditation'. Deeply relaxing, and easy to get into.

Can look into using the therapy of PSTEC. Check out the following book by PSTEC's founder, https://www.amazon.co.uk/Solve-Almost-Sexual-Problem-Easy/dp/1500475432.

[SLuxy]

@Zeroguy Incel located

[IAmReallyImportant]

16 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

 

You probably haven't read anything I have written here. 

My highest standard is 10 orgasms per session. Normal for me 2-3 per session. He gives me that. 

I am not going to demand highest standard from someone who has an obvious trauma in sex department and controls his ajaculation so much. 

That's just simply not reasonable at thus point. 

Its called deflection and projection . Fact is you have a relationship with a guy who has fear of having childs with you. And you want to go to pair therapy after 4 months. Now, you want to convince me and others that you are not clingy and have high standards. I end this discussion because you act from a place of ego defend. You can answer but I will not read it. 

Edited August 31, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[Nahm]

Reality is vibration. Reality is Mind. If I hold in mind ‘a relationship is for my needs’, I attract someone who’s vibration is ‘relationship is to fulfill myself, via fulfilling the needs of others’. I’d be a magnet to someone clingy & needy, and yet initially feel great about it, while unaware what’s transpiring. 

The vibration of ‘relationships to fulfill my needs’, aka to make me feel better / satisfied / whole, attracts someone who’s vibration is ‘relationships to fulfill other’s needs’, aka to make me feel better / satisfied / whole. ‘Attracts’ can be a useful lens while vibrationally being it is yet unhearable, do to identification. 

One can say others are projecting, and that is fine. One can say others are unintelligible, and that is fine. One can also ask questions, to understand entirely new & different perspectives. One can experience new perspectives, and new & expansive understanding, if one allows for this possibility. It’s as if one were holding a ‘for me’ (as the bodymind) funnel, and only what fits into that funnel is heard. Everything else gets held & kept outside that funnel. But one can inquire into what isn’t fitting into that funnel, what one doesn’t understand to no fault of one’s own, for not having experience of.

Having a son from a previous relationship, and a great relationship with him, if my current wife spoke of him as the cause of my trauma, a ‘tool’ of manipulation via his mom, as a ‘mistake’, this would be deeply unattractive to me. I imagine him reading her words. I’m aware how he might feel. I might be in a pickle I wouldn’t understand or realize I am in, if my good feeling wholeness unknowingly thrived on fulfilling the needs of others, as aversion from feeling myself, so to speak. My wife might also find herself in a pickle, of trying to get me to no longer avert, to go within, while she is averting herself, attempting to use me to fulfill her ‘needs’. 

Even if, especially if, I spoke of my son as a source or tool of trauma, and as a mistake to my wife… it would be most safe, comforting, clarifying, and attracting, if she did not. If she thought of him, rather than herself… and of me, rather than of me as an object or means to satisfy her sexual & emotional needs, via her identification with the bodymind.

Bodymind identification & it’s cycles of thought can of course be transcended, yet not from the same lens & understanding from the vantage of identified with the bodymind. The ‘other thing’ that can be experienced via relationship, other than just fulfilling earthly needs, is communion, oneness, transcendence, together. It’s a beautiful experience. Most beautiful. And of course, that’s what you’re already experiencing.  

[Vzdoh]

21 hours ago, Nahm said:

Reality is vibration. Reality is Mind. If I hold in mind ‘a relationship is for my needs’, I attract someone who’s vibration is ‘relationship is to fulfill myself, via fulfilling the needs of others’. I’d be a magnet to someone clingy & needy, and yet initially feel great about it, while unaware what’s transpiring. 

The vibration of ‘relationships to fulfill my needs’, aka to make me feel better / satisfied / whole, attracts someone who’s vibration is ‘relationships to fulfill other’s needs’, aka to make me feel better / satisfied / whole. ‘Attracts’ can be a useful lens while vibrationally being it is yet unhearable, do to identification. 

One can say others are projecting, and that is fine. One can say others are unintelligible, and that is fine. One can also ask questions, to understand entirely new & different perspectives. One can experience new perspectives, and new & expansive understanding, if one allows for this possibility. It’s as if one were holding a ‘for me’ (as the bodymind) funnel, and only what fits into that funnel is heard. Everything else gets held & kept outside that funnel. But one can inquire into what isn’t fitting into that funnel, what one doesn’t understand to no fault of one’s own, for not having experience of.

Having a son from a previous relationship, and a great relationship with him, if my current wife spoke of him as the cause of my trauma, a ‘tool’ of manipulation via his mom, as a ‘mistake’, this would be deeply unattractive to me. I imagine him reading her words. I’m aware how he might feel. I might be in a pickle I wouldn’t understand or realize I am in, if my good feeling wholeness unknowingly thrived on fulfilling the needs of others, as aversion from feeling myself, so to speak. My wife might also find herself in a pickle, of trying to get me to no longer avert, to go within, while she is averting herself, attempting to use me to fulfill her ‘needs’. 

Even if, especially if, I spoke of my son as a source or tool of trauma, and as a mistake to my wife… it would be most safe, comforting, clarifying, and attracting, if she did not. If she thought of him, rather than herself… and of me, rather than of me as an object or means to satisfy her sexual & emotional needs, via her identification with the bodymind.

Bodymind identification & it’s cycles of thought can of course be transcended, yet not from the same lens & understanding from the vantage of identified with the bodymind. The ‘other thing’ that can be experienced via relationship, other than just fulfilling earthly needs, is communion, oneness, transcendence, together. It’s a beautiful experience. Most beautiful. And of course, that’s what you’re already experiencing.  

Hey dear Nahm, that's a lot of text and it probably took you a long time to write this piece up! So I deeply appreciate the effort! A bit clearer than your previous posts  So I think I understood like 80% of it

However, you are taking my other post about my needs not satisfied fully in a relationship and extrapolating it to "I am not able to meet my needs on my own, therefore, I am looking to meet them externally". This is quite a wild extrapolation, to be honest! :)))

Let's deconstruct the needs into a few buckets and from there, it will be much easier for me to showcase what needs I am talking about.

Needs I am taking care on my own:

- need for self-love and self-acceptance

- need to give love to and care about  others

Needs I am taking care of with the help of friends/family/colleagues/clients:

- need for social circle and interaction

- need for spiritual connection

- need for serving others

- need to give love to and care about  others

- need to receive love and care from others

- need for physical presence/interaction

Needs I am taking care of in a romantic relationship:

- need for intimate/sexual connection

- need for spiritual connection

- need to give love to and care about the other

- need to receive love and care for the other

 

So from the above, when I was talking about my needs are not fully met, I meant - need for intimate/sexual connection/intimacy/physical presence (I am super tactile) and as you can see, this need can only be primarily met in a romantic relationship, can't be met fully by friends or family or colleagues or even on my own even if I try super hard - bottom line is - intimate interaction is only possible with a romantic partner. Now does it make me vibrationally clingy or looking for people whose vibration is to meet the needs of others? I don't think so! This is a very normal need in a romantic relationship and fulfilling it is actually the entire point of a romantic relationship, apart from spiritual connection and giving/receiving love. 

And even further extrapolation you made from me simply stating that this particular need is not fully met is that I ONLY look for romantic relationships where I ONLY look to meet MY OWN NEEDS. This can't be further from the truth! I am in a romantic relationship to give love and meet the needs of the other for connection. But of course I do expect that since I sincerely want to meet the needs of my partner, he will have the same attitude towards my needs as well..

 

Not sure if I am making sense...but this is my logic and you are simply looking and extrapolating from a small point into a big ass problem :)))