BF is afraid of ejaculation. Suspect Trauma. How to help him to resolve?

[Leo Gura]

Keep in mind this dude may have hidden trauma he has not even told you about. Like maybe he was molested as a kid or whatever. People will often hide their deepest wounds or make up cover stories. So you may be dealing with a guy who's more broken than you realize. You gotta sniff out the real root cause. Something here doesn't smell right to my nose. A guy not cumming because of an ancient divorce? Doesn't smell right.

[Arcangelo]

19 hours ago, Sempiternity said:

Yeah...this is where I've got to disagree with you Leo. This seems to be stage Orange way of thinking about sex, as in 'it's all about me'. From my experience with the higher consciousness men in my life, cumming is not much of a factor in sex. It's about your partner and her experience. If the man doesn't cum, he could care less, as the experience itself, the connection is the reward. If I get hard, a woman does not owe me anything at any point to do anything about that. Even if we are mid-sex, she does not at any point owe me to continue, and if she chooses to stop, I honor and respect that, because it's not about me, and it's not about getting my rocks off, it's about connecting with your partner in whatever form that takes. 

You seem to have some immature and low-consciousness views on sex, at least in my opinion. Hopefully you're just iterating what stage Orange (or below) men may react like, and not spouting off your own opinions on sex. It may help you also state how higher consciousness people can react in the same scenarios, which can be vastly different.  

P.S, no man I have ever met has said that losing an erection is painful. Maybe when a young teenager can get blueballs, but not as a man in his mid 20s. 

LOL

JFC!

[Seed]

6 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Seed

What would that be, how would that read, if I was?  I suspect you think there is something I’m thinking but not saying…? 

Yes it comes across to me that you are leaving a trail of clues in an attempt to get her to work things out for herself. ANd i just wondered if that was the case.

Clearly not. 

[Leo Gura]

@Nahm Your communications are oddly confusing and vague at times. Might want to self-reflect about that, since the point of communication is clarity.

If your communication leaves Leo scratching his head, you probably got some work to do in the communication department

[Nahm]

@Seed @Leo Gura

I appreciate that, thanks and will do. ?? 

[mandyjw]

17 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

If your communication leaves Leo scratching his head, you probably got some work to do in the communication department

I mean... all anyone's communications here with you leave you scratching your beard and looking up as if you're deeply pondering something. 

[Vzdoh]

@Leo Gura Hey Leo, it's not an ancient divorce. He actually never married the woman. It's the fact that he was careless with sex when he was young and that resulted in ending up having a child with a woman he never loved really. 

That's an expensive and life altering mistake. U don't think its enough to become a reason to be afraid to ajaculate? If it happened to me, I would probably become super paranoid and neurotic about it. 

[Vzdoh]

@Leo Gura how do I sniff out something really deep? 

People don't go about telling their deepest secrets... 

[Vzdoh]

@Seed i have no idea what he is trying to communicate? Why write at all if u make it so criptic? 

Are you trying to show off how deep your thinking is? Instead of actually helping and being crystal clear? 

You want to help? Or u don't? 

[Vzdoh]

@IAmReallyImportant you r projecting and assuming a lot of stuff here. I already commented on the nature of my relationship. I trust him, he is not trying to deceive me, communication is quite good and deep, he is opening up emotionally, I do enjoy sex with him, he makes sure that I am satisfied. 

My concern is about how to help him to lose control and come and enjoy sex more as a result. I never stated I was disappointed or dissatisfied with sex. 

[Seed]

@Vzdoh I dont think this is the case at all. He is not like that as a person, at all. Which is why I was curious.

I think I can see what he was trying to say, And that is that sometimes, it is more helpful to not spell things out to people. That is just my intrepetation of where he was coming from. 

I can translate what I think he meant and @Nahm can virtual kick  me if I am wrong if that is helpful?

[Nos7algiK]

1 hour ago, Vzdoh said:

@Leo Gura how do I sniff out something really deep? 

People don't go about telling their deepest secrets... 

You are not entitled to someone's deep dark secrets.

You do not have his best interests in mind, you have your best interest in mind hidden under the guise you wish to help him.

But, I'm in agreeance with @Nahm here. Look inside yourself to see any personal imbalance you may have. You will never fix that which is inside by projecting that onto someone else and attempting to fix that instead. Once the root of the issue is harmonized internally, only then will you have a paradigm shift that is manifested within the external also having harmony there. Meaning there will be no more issues to fix in others who are strongly tethered to your own self structure, once you fix your own issues. Should I say, any "issue" after in "other" that "other" will have the aptitude to fix it within their self's because you yourself hold that same value. "As within, so without". Until this is fully realized you will continue to attract different evolutions of the same paradigm of perceived problems to yourself.

Whatever issues are afflicting your partner seem to stem from deep rooted childhood trauma. The longer someone goes with said trauma the more difficult it is to fix it. Having an unexpected child with a "toxic" woman seemed to have only amplified this trauma. It's easier for him to point to that, than it is whatever actually happened to him. Maybe he is embarrassed about what happened or just doesn't want to talk about the memory because it's well, traumatic.

You can't force someone to talk about this. You will only make things worse, specially if they have a sense of empathy/sympathy it may only cause the person feel guilty/shameful that they can't fix themselves and because of that they are hurting someone they care about. So help, only makes things worse until the person is truly ready to evolve past whatever happened. Even if your intentions are coming off pure and you are handling this in a loving way. Though, the answer does lay within you. It's nothing that can be rationalized logically, but rather something much more intimate to the core of your own self.

Edited August 29, 2021 by Nos7algiK

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

@Leo Gura how do I sniff out something really deep? 

People don't go about telling their deepest secrets... 

Of course that's tricky. He might have even repressed it from himself. He's probably just not conscious of it himself. He's probably confused, frustrated, and stuck in his logical head.

Basically you need to probe deeper into the psychological underpinnings of his views of sex and women. Why is he paranoid? What has him so uptight that he is unable to take sex easy and enjoy it? Why is he so controlling? Why is he so stuck in his head? Why can't he let the past go?

You can delicately probe these issues with him over time.

There will probably be buried fear, anger, regret, and hurt.

[mememe]

@Nahm even though it`s just about autumn nahm, no leaves nahm no leaves. it`s almost autumn though, no leaves even though they might be yellow and read and crisp.

edit: ok sorry the crisp thing sounds weird in this context.

but what exactly is it really about - how is it that this guy is not able to relax and enjoy - what is really going on in his head, why is his head going on in the first place?

supposing it`s maybe really an responsibility issue, maybe basic fear management? it`s def calling for therapy @Vzdoh or some deep relaxation practice, reconnection with the universe stuff - the direction is a matter of taste but he´s def lacking in universal trust. maybe floating tank experience could help. basic trust building like massage and foreplay stuff might also help.

Edited August 29, 2021 by mememe

[Vzdoh]

7 hours ago, blueberries said:

It just seems almost unbelievable that a man could go 20 years without ejaculating during sex and not have tried just about every method under the sun to overcome the issue already. Based on what you've said I don't think he's lying, but it kind of feels like a piece of the puzzle is missing?

Has he had a long-term, loving partner in the last 20 years who has already made similar suggestions/attempts to what you're exploring now? Or are you the first person he's ever opened up to about this?

Has he never considered or tried therapy before? Surely it's crossed his mind or past partners or even friends have recommended it. If he's been resisting the idea for 20 years, that raises some questions about why, and if you'll ever manage to convince him to change his mind. 

I'm assuming he can still ejaculate from masturbation. Can he masturbate and ejaculate when you're in the same room? What about mutual masturbation? If he can manage those, I could see how he might have been able to push the problem under the rug somewhat. But if he can't ejaculate whatsoever with you around then I wonder if there's something else going on too.

I don't feel qualified to give you any advice, but those are my thoughts.

What I know based on what he shared so far is he kinda had very low interest in sex compared to other guys. Also, he had relationships after trying to make it work with the mother of his son, but it never got to the point where he would live together with these ladies and it seems to me he chose unavailable partners before, where probably he was not challenged to address his issues, because it was dating mostly without the future. Dated married women with kids etc. 

For me also sounds quite strange that he never addressed this but then if his previous partners didn't push for it, he was getting by same as now, making sure the lady is satisfied but did little to address his own satisfaction levels. 

He didn't share anything with me about masturbation and if he can come during it. I have a feel that he pressures the sex and any thing sexual down because of overall discomfort with what sex can lead to. 

Yeah, if it was going on for 20y like that, I am not quite sure if I can change anything. Only if he values me being in his life and starts doing something in the direction of recovery because he wants me to stay in a relationship with him. 

I decided to talk about it in more details. We r planning a staycay together and I want to explore massage and please him and see how he reacts. 

Will ask if he ever thought about seeing a therapist. Most men I think reject therapist idea because they don't want to admit to themselves that one, there is something wrong with him, second, that he cannot fix it on his own and needs help. Guys have trouble asking for help compared to women I think. 

[Vzdoh]

6 hours ago, mememe said:

@Nahm even though it`s just about autumn nahm, no leaves nahm no leaves. it`s almost autumn though, no leaves even though they might be yellow and read and crisp.

edit: ok sorry the crisp thing sounds weird in this context.

but what exactly is it really about - how is it that this guy is not able to relax and enjoy - what is really going on in his head, why is his head going on in the first place?

supposing it`s maybe really an responsibility issue, maybe basic fear management? it`s def calling for therapy @Vzdoh or some deep relaxation practice, reconnection with the universe stuff - the direction is a matter of taste but he´s def lacking in universal trust. maybe floating tank experience could help. basic trust building like massage and foreplay stuff might also help.

I was thinking about floating tank experience actually. Was going to book a session for him. He has difficulty letting go of control. So let's see if I am going to be successful about it. 

[Vzdoh]

7 hours ago, Nos7algiK said:

You are not entitled to someone's deep dark secrets.

You do not have his best interests in mind, you have your best interest in mind hidden under the guise you wish to help him.

But, I'm in agreeance with @Nahm here. Look inside yourself to see any personal imbalance you may have. You will never fix that which is inside by projecting that onto someone else and attempting to fix that instead. Once the root of the issue is harmonized internally, only then will you have a paradigm shift that is manifested within the external also having harmony there. Meaning there will be no more issues to fix in others who are strongly tethered to your own self structure, once you fix your own issues. Should I say, any "issue" after in "other" that "other" will have the aptitude to fix it within their self's because you yourself hold that same value. "As within, so without". Until this is fully realized you will continue to attract different evolutions of the same paradigm of perceived problems to yourself.

Whatever issues are afflicting your partner seem to stem from deep rooted childhood trauma. The longer someone goes with said trauma the more difficult it is to fix it. Having an unexpected child with a "toxic" woman seemed to have only amplified this trauma. It's easier for him to point to that, than it is whatever actually happened to him. Maybe he is embarrassed about what happened or just doesn't want to talk about the memory because it's well, traumatic.

You can't force someone to talk about this. You will only make things worse, specially if they have a sense of empathy/sympathy it may only cause the person feel guilty/shameful that they can't fix themselves and because of that they are hurting someone they care about. So help, only makes things worse until the person is truly ready to evolve past whatever happened. Even if your intentions are coming off pure and you are handling this in a loving way. Though, the answer does lay within you. It's nothing that can be rationalized logically, but rather something much more intimate to the core of your own self.

Well its both - for his and my own sake. I don't differentiate here - for him or for me because its the area of a relationship - where both of our interests are important. So addressing this issue is both important for me and him if we want to continue the relationship. 

I have done a lot of work on myself in the last 8 years and addressed my own trauma and became more self aware and I am continuing the work as I post here. It never stops. 

Question is what exactly I haven't addressed within me that attracts a partner like this? 

I worked through my family trauma, my parents divorce, abandonment and neglect issues in early childhood and learnt how to love myself and also learnt how to establish healthy boundaries. Not sure what else can be done? 

Any ideas? At least for direction where to look? 

???

[Nos7algiK]

35 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

Question is what exactly I haven't addressed within me that attracts a partner like this? 

???

Honestly, this is a tricky question. I understand what you mean though. I did a lot of work on myself, but attracted many partners with deep rooted trauma. I personally didn't have anything serious happen to me, so it wasn't too difficult to get over my own. But, I believe there was an aspect of myself that had the desire to help/heal others. I wanted to be someone's hero, possibly because in my own personal life I felt like no one was a hero to me. That no one lifted me up and few people helped me emotionally when I needed. Not that people weren't there, but those that would didn't have really any words of wisdom.  Possibly I had some sub-consciousness twisted love narrative that true love stems from how willing you are to truly help someone heal(or them heal you) also get over hardship and by doing so it establishes a solid bond in the process. 

I'll also add that the more I worked on myself the more I saw the value of personal development. Kind of like a "I can't believe so many people don't do this" type of mindset. I wanted to share this "gift" we could all give ourselves by looking inward very deeply and that's possible why I found others with trauma. I can't share the gift if someone already has the gift more or less.

I don't believe it's something in your face for you to work on. Though I can't say, I'm only going by what you are giving me. There is an abstract realm within goodness that can come with consequences even though our intentions seem pure on the surface. Being good for the sake of being good is very important over being good because it feels good to be good. Though the latter isn't something we should reject.

Regardless, to get a bit more spiritual about it. No matter how this continues or ends there is a karmic lesson at play. You will learn something about this which will help to navigate more optimally in life. It could be a lesson you learn about yourself why you attract people who have deep trauma or it could be a lesson why your persistent love for someone actually helps them and why it was and is the right thing to do.

Practical advice is a bit more difficult to give since it's not him we are giving the advice to. Besides "giving space" and all that generic stuff you already know I would say it's important to have faith in yourself, him, and what is meant to be. When the mind accepts that it may not get what it's attempting to accomplish the door of opportunity mysteriously shows itself.

Edited August 30, 2021 by Nos7algiK

[Vzdoh]

@Nos7algiK you are projecting here I think. I do not look out for trauma men specifically. It just turns out most people, including men, have trauma. Some realise this and self aware of it and do something to fix it. And others are asleep as Leo says and not even aware they have it. 

Everyone has trauma and specific associated triggers. In relationships I noticed what happenes is how these traumas align? Meaning relationship has a chance when one's trigger is not a place where it is a core fundamental need of another and reverse. 

I am very aware of when I face someone's trauma and I don't have an expectation or desire to fix it for the person or help them against their will. 

My concern and help response is strictly around how to make relationship better and more successful. To save the other person is their own task and I can help and provide guidance, but I can not take that responsibility for another person

I made that mistake with my mom. And now I realised and fully let go even if it means she drives herself into the ground. I can't be responsible for her life. It's been a very painful realisation and hard decision to make. But I accepted it however hard that was. 

So I am not in a relationship to save anyone from themselves. I am simply there to hold the mirror as I should as a partner and let the person see themselves and how they are and then they decide what to do about it. If no action is taken, I will most likely walk away if their triggers/trauma is interfering with health of the relationship AND I am not getting my needs met. 

But in general, I am not delusional about finding someone who has no trauma at all. Such people just don't exist. So I am willing to try to make it work, but if it doesn't, I accept right now already that the best way will be to walk away. 

[Nos7algiK]

4 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

you are projecting here I think.

You sure like to say that to others, don't you? It's not a projection onto you, it's my literal experience to see if you could relate to it or not. It's not for me to say you are that, it's for you to see if you have a common place to it or not. You are attempting to find something in you that you have no idea what it is. I only state possibilities.

 

6 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

I do not look out for trauma men specifically.

I never said you did, nor did I say that was what I did either. It would be an easy fix if you were specifically looking for this. Yet, you still attract people like this in your life. So there is something inside of your that is attracting them. Regardless if you wish to accept it or not, there is a sub-conscious desire that is being played out. It may not be anything about healing others for your own benefit, but it IS something or else it wouldn't be happening. This is why healing yourself literally heals the reality within your awareness. There are aspects of ourselves we are not aware of though. Sometimes it's a commonality between most people and because most people have this inside of them it's difficult to see how it's inherently flawed in the terms of the greater good.

 

14 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

I am very aware of when I face someone's trauma and I don't have an expectation or desire to fix it for the person or help them against their will. 

If you look inside of yourself and look at the situation. Do you truly believe this person has the capacity to fix themselves? Do you believe they are willing and strong enough to commit to that? I'm not trying to sound cynical, these are sincere questions.

 

17 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

My concern and help response is strictly around how to make relationship better and more successful. To save the other person is their own task and I can help and provide guidance, but I can not take that responsibility for another person

 

The relationship is as successful as you are willing to see it. From everything you said about him he seems like a decent man at heart. Though he may have some sort of sexual trauma and strong work ethic issues. Love and acceptance, without these actually being issues to you that you state may be the inspiration he needs to help heal himself. Bearing witness to unconditional love is quite the motivating factor. I'm not saying this is the case here, but bringing up issues can make others feel guilty like I mentioned before. Instead of trying to better the relationship, accept what it is and it will naturally better itself. If it doesn't, then there is no reason to stay. But, you are always free to handle a situation as you need to. I understand people have their own needs.

 

27 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

I am simply there to hold the mirror as I should as a partner and let the person see themselves and how they are and then they decide what to do about it.

What about yourself though? Is the mirror you are holding perfectly centered? Is it polished crystal clear? If there is a blemish on the mirror is the one gazing into it aware it the mirror that is faulty and they don't mistake the blemish for themselves? I don't disagree we should be mirrors in a relationship. But, it's important that which is reflecting is still like water.

Still water holds no biased on who it reflects.
Still water holds no judgement on what it reflects.
Still water cares not to latch onto what it reflects.
Still water never muddies itself, yet always returns to form when disturbed. 

 

34 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

But in general, I am not delusional about finding someone who has no trauma at all. Such people just don't exist. So I am willing to try to make it work, but if it doesn't, I accept right now already that the best way will be to walk away. 

It would be very difficult to meet someone that has never been traumatized in their life. But, not too uncommon to meet someone who already has the tools to overcome their own trauma. Just like you have done yourself.