BF is afraid of ejaculation. Suspect Trauma. How to help him to resolve?

[RickyFitts]

On 8/28/2021 at 7:05 AM, Vzdoh said:

And I like to be fucked hard ????

Fuck, I think that might just be the hottest thing I've seen all year 

[Snader]

11 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

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Do they not enjoy sex if they don't cum? 

Of course

Not only is it not enjoyable, it's deeply frustrating and even physically painful.

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Multiple men I've slept with seemed fine and even didn't want to so now I'm questioning their fine-ness. 

Of course they lied to you.

If you want a reliable way to piss a man off, get him really hard and then just walk away.

Don't tell that to David Deida 

[hamedsf]

3 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

He really did everything always for me. Time to reciprocate ❤️

Jesus, I'm so impressed! 

there are some books you should take a look but this one might be appropriate to that specific situation: 

Sexual Healing: A Man's Sexual Journey and the Lessons Learned Along the Way.

 

[Vzdoh]

@hamedsf @Gesundheit2 thanks! Will have a look! 

[Thought Art]

Cognitive behavioural therapy and maybe sex counciling 

[integral]

Can he ejaculate to porn? 

[Nahm]

On 8/27/2021 at 11:44 PM, Vzdoh said:

Hey guys, my BF has had quite a deep trauma when he was like 25y old where his casual fling he never intended to date seriously got pregnant 3 weeks into them knowing each other. She kept the baby and 20+ years of nightmare commenced with her manipulating with the child etc etc. 

For people who were physically or sexually abused, the notion of getting a girl pregnant and allowing oneself to be manipulated therein being a trauma is potentially offensive. If your words are indicative of his view, he is carrying the weight of the deflection. This holding would be a hurdle in self realization, specifically, realizing he is the creator of his reality. You have a vibrational match, though the content might be entirely different, the outcome and the resolve are the same. 

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Now when we have sex, he controls himself a lot and doesn't allow himself to fully relax, enjoy and come freely. In fact, I never experienced him coming. Been 4+ months. And he said he is like this already for 20+ years. 

The discord with his being, if you will, was not caused by someone else nor by a happenstance or unlucky situation. To continue to think that way, is to continue to maintain the facade of control, while the best sex is the complete opposite. For you, ‘he controls himself’ flies right over the radar. Were I to point out that isn’t actually possible, because he is himself, would be likewise perpetuating the issue as it is deflected and projected as semantical or something of that nature, onto to Nahm, at light speed. You would have to be less that light speed to even notice. Your distaste for me and my comments likely only grows, while the inherent discord is nonetheless present. (I presume).

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How can I help? Suggest him counselling? What to do? Any ideas? 

Change your lens, your vantage point, your understanding, your knowing of who you really are. You wouldn’t even have to say a word. Your presence would be such that his discord becomes alignment. 

[Vzdoh]

@Nahm @hamedsf @Gesundheit2 

Can you put it into much simpler form? 

I don't think I understood anything from what you have said. 

We r exact opposite in bed. I completely let go of any control and he tries to control both his ejaculation and what happens to me. So not convinced about vibrational match of any sort when it comes to sex. We r exact opposites of each other it seems. 

[RickyFitts]

I don't think this issue is going to resolve itself until he opens up emotionally, either to you or to a therapist, it's just going to cause a lot of frustration and unhappiness for both of you until he does that, I think. I feel for the poor fella, I really do, it sounds like he's harbouring some very deep and very painful wounds 

Really sorry you're having to go through this, V, I know this must be very difficult for you.

[Roy]

I thought you were going to split up with this guy? So he is so busy with work he barely wants to hang out and have sex, and when you do have sex he isn't even able to do it properly?

It's awesome you're trying so hard to get things to work, but should you have to try so hard?

[Nahm]

@Vzdoh

Somewhere there is one of God’s children who grew up seen by his father as a tool of manipulation. It’s on the mom though, yeah, right. You read this as if it’s about sex. That solution is simple and readily available to you, just have sex with someone else. You might however, run into the exact same problem again and again, because you’re attracting it. The message will never change. Neither of you have opened your third eye. You are the blind leading the blind. 

[Vzdoh]

9 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Vzdoh

Somewhere there is one of God’s children who grew up seen by his father as a tool of manipulation. It’s on the mom though, yeah, right. You read this as if it’s about sex. That solution is simple and readily available to you, just have sex with someone else. You might however, run into the exact same problem again and again, because you’re attracting it. The message will never change. Neither of you have opened your third eye. You are the blind leading the blind. 

@Nahm @hamedsf @Gesundheit2 

Can you put it into much simpler form? 

I don't think I understood anything from what you have said. 

I am afraid you talk in riddles. What exactly am I attracting? 

[Vzdoh]

@Roy You make too many assumptions,dear. I don't blame you. 

Because here I posted only about issues I experience but not about all the good parts of the relationship. 

He does work a lot, but he does value our relationship and trying to meet my needs. 

Sex is not bad, far from it in fact. I just want him to enjoy more than he currently does and loosen up more. 

He is a great guy and has a kind heart and other qualities I couldn't find easily in other guys. 

Does he have trauma and issues to resolve? Yes. But who doesn't? 

I am going to give it a chance and see if he wants to work on his issues and makes an effort. 

If he doesn't, then yes, I will walk away, cause I can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. 

I will also walk away if my needs are not met. And I already let him know about it - that I will choose me, not the relationship if I feel unhappy and unfulfilled in a relationship with him due to my needs not being met. 

 

[Vzdoh]

@RickyFitts i have hope because he did open up to me emotionally about a lot of stuff. And he is opening up more the more the relationship progresses. So it gives me hope that he can overcome his trauma. I did! It did take me some time, but I know it's possible because I did it. 

[Gregory1]

On 28.8.2021 at 4:36 PM, Flowerfaeiry said:

Like as a hard rule? Do they not enjoy sex if they don't cum? 

Multiple men I've slept with seemed fine and even didn't want to so now I'm questioning their fine-ness. 

It's not a hard rule. Look at @ivankiss journal "Sex diary" or something like that. He describes is intimate experiences in detail and there is also at least 1 occasion (not always reading it) where he didn't come. But he enjoyed it anyway. 

But I guess many men associate coming as a "nessecary part" of the experience and strongly identify with it. They would propably want to come if the could and might feel ashamed about not being able to come.

But hard rule, no.  

Edited August 29, 2021 by Gregory1

[RickyFitts]

11 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

@RickyFitts i have hope because he did open up to me emotionally about a lot of stuff. And he is opening up more the more the relationship progresses. So it gives me hope that he can overcome his trauma. I did! It did take me some time, but I know it's possible because I did it. 

Wonderful, that's great news - in that case there's definitely hope, yeah, because it sounds like there's willing on his part  I've had similar issues to the ones he has, so I do know it can take a lot of patience to work through these things because they can be very deep-rooted, but a loving partner can certainly make a huge difference I imagine - if there's a loving bond between you, that can make all the difference, you can't beat the love of a good woman  

[IAmReallyImportant]

On 28/08/2021 at 3:23 PM, Vzdoh said:

@Marcel @aurum I was actually thinking about couples therapy, so I can go together with him and the therapist I know is specialising on addictions (he works a lot) and speaks German, so I think she will be perfect for him. 

But I will give him a month or two and then mention it that maybe some external help is a good idea ?

How long have you known this man so that you would go to couples therapy?

And did he told you that from the beginning or did it come to light later? If that's the case, it means he hid it from you and wasn't honest about an important issue. That would mean he is probably neurotic and not unlikely to cheat. And if not, then the sex wasn't good to begin with. Then it would look like a non-deep and less intimate relationship. In this case, superficial interests on both sides would be probable.

In general, nobody have to help a partner to overcome his problems, even if you would help yourself the most if you did. And you don't have to have such low self-esteem that you stay in a relationship in which the partner is afraid to have children with you. If he told you he had this problem, then that's probably an excuse. If he didn't, then you are explaining his lack of interest away, which is very likely from what you wrote. From what you have written, I understand that you are showing signs of attachment and clinginess.

Sounds unhealthy and neurotic to me. However, decisions always depend on ones own standards and I think self-honesty and courage are always good answers.

Edited August 29, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, Vzdoh said:

I am afraid you talk in riddles

Initially, yep. In hindsight, not at all. 

How’s his relationship with his son? How often does he see him? What do they do together?

[Seed]

3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Initially, yep. In hindsight, not at all. 

 

Hey @Nahm Just curious as to why you don't want to be clear with her? 

[Nahm]

@Seed

What would that be, how would that read, if I was?  I suspect you think there is something I’m thinking but not saying…?