BF is afraid of ejaculation. Suspect Trauma. How to help him to resolve?

[Vzdoh]

Hey guys, my BF has had quite a deep trauma when he was like 25y old where his casual fling he never intended to date seriously got pregnant 3 weeks into them knowing each other. She kept the baby and 20+ years of nightmare commenced with her manipulating with the child etc etc. 

Now when we have sex, he controls himself a lot and doesn't allow himself to fully relax, enjoy and come freely. In fact, I never experienced him coming. Been 4+ months. And he said he is like this already for 20+ years. 

How can I help? Suggest him counselling? What to do? Any ideas? 

[Leo Gura]

Vasectomy

[Vzdoh]

@Leo Gura well, I don't have kids and want to keep that option open just in case I want them in the future. 

Any less radical stuff? 

[Raptorsin7]

17 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

She kept the baby and 20+ years of nightmare commenced with her manipulating with the child etc etc. 

Nightmare.

I have a similar problem as this guy, I have difficulty relaxing and I can't really let go and enjoy.

This guy has to have a desire to change himself and become whole. If there is no intrinsic motivation to change then you will be bringing stuff like this up until the end of the relationship.

Have you talked to him about he's basically screwed up and what healing looks like?

I'd say either make peace with who he is and stop trying to change him, or find someone who's actually healed their trauma and is available for an intimate relationship

[Vzdoh]

@Raptorsin7 we talked. He said he will work on it. But if it was like this for 20y, I doubt he can do it on his own. 

We r having sex, and I don't have complaints in the satisfaction department. I am multi orgasmic. And he tries very hard to please me. 

Problem is he is not enjoying as much as he could! 

[Flowerfaeiry]

Take the pressure off a bit. Climax doesn't need to happen for sex to be enjoyable.

4 months is not a long time in a relationship especially when it comes to breaking through traumas so relax a little and please him in other ways  

[KennedyCarter]

Is getting a new boyfriend an option? Lol jk Dang that sucks, good luck.

Edited August 28, 2021 by KennedyCarter

[Gesundheit2]

@Vzdoh Poor guy... Turns out he wasn't avoiding intimacy, only pregnancy.

1 hour ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Climax doesn't need to happen for sex to be enjoyable.

For a man it does.

[Vzdoh]

@Marcel I am accepting of hus trauma and not complaining that much. I am just concerned he is not enjoying himself. 

Also, he kinda not as keen on having sex overall, again I think because of this trauma than anything else or because he doesn't want me. 

When we r together and fooling around, its quite satisfying, and passionate, and physical just the way I like it. 

But I see he is trying to keep control at all times, not relaxed and at times it affects his erection too. 

And I like to be fucked hard ????

So what u guys suggest? Of course, I am not going to pressure him about it or declare he is not good enough for me. And don't think its easily and quickly resolvable. 

But I am thinking to suggest therapy in a few months perhaps ?

[Vzdoh]

@Gesundheit2 yeah, he begged me to reconsider and was devastated that I was thinking to walk out on him and so he made changes. Committed to spending more time together. Even took my request to be more physically affectionate to heart and now constantly touches me when we r together. 

But yeah, sex for him is associated with life long drama, so I am wondering what I can do to help him resolve this. 

[Gesundheit2]

@Vzdoh I really don't know.

But maybe as a first step you could try to make him more comfortable with sex by doing it only in your non-ovulating days. That way, he might be able to relax. You said you don't have sex that many times generally as of now, so it might be a good start. Then after a while of doing that, when sex becomes part of his monthly routine, maybe it'll become easier for him.

[Adamq8]

How about using a condom?

You have to show him that he can trust you and that you would not use him for pregnancy and that you only want pregnancy if he also is in on it 

[Leo Gura]

4 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

@Leo Gura well, I don't have kids and want to keep that option open just in case I want them in the future. 

Vasectomies can be reversed.

Quote

Any less radical stuff? 

You can try making him cum with your hands/mouth. Maybe he will feel more safe that way. Or tell him to jerk off on you.

3 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Climax doesn't need to happen for sex to be enjoyable.

It does for guys.

[Vzdoh]

@Adamq8 oh we do use condoms of course! And I did tell him that I won't keep the baby in case I fall pregnant without him agreeing to it. It didn't really work. 

[Vzdoh]

@Leo Gura for some reason he feels uneasy with oral. He didn't explain much as to why. Probably same thing - afraid to ejaculate. But I will keep trying. 

Never actually met a guy before who wouldn't enjoy oral ???

[aurum]

@Vzdoh Weren’t you breaking it off with this guy?

[Vzdoh]

@aurum yeah, I was and told him about what I have in mind. But he really made an effort and apologised and was super upset. It was obvious he didn't want to lose me. And I decided to give him last chance to recover. 

[hamedsf]

some men tend to have a kinda of fearful thought of: what if I make this woman pregnant and the baby would neglect my success in future! this can affect the quality of performance.

but it can be much problematic if it gets formed into a sexual trauma!!

I'm sure there are ways to get rid of that trauma. look up for "sexual healing" videos on YouTube.

 

[Vzdoh]

@Marcel @aurum I was actually thinking about couples therapy, so I can go together with him and the therapist I know is specialising on addictions (he works a lot) and speaks German, so I think she will be perfect for him. 

But I will give him a month or two and then mention it that maybe some external help is a good idea ?

[Vzdoh]

@hamedsf don't think YouTube videos will help ?