I'm having trouble being in first person perspective in a group

[fopylo]

I am on my second day in camp. At the start, I was friendly to everyone, and slowly slowly I'm getting tired from those interactions. It's like I don't have a problem meeting people, but maintaining is what's hard for me.

Anyways, I've been feeling a bit down tonight. Even the shy kid that I've befriended seems to be opening up more and more, and throughout the whole time it seemed he is in his own world, his first person perspective. Now he is more talkative to others and is more authentic and seems genuinely enjoying himself. Oh, and he also plays video games on his laptop in the room.

In contrast to him, I have been talkative at the beginning, and now, when people are starting to know each other better I'm getting back into my fucking homeostasis! I really did believe I changed. I actually did, but reverted a bit. I am having a hard time connecting to my own true thoughts and opinions and saying them, and I believe it is because I am so bad at group conversations and I feel I always need to protect myself and be heard and not ignored or interrupted, that I fear going deep into my true thoughts because of the potential damage if someone interrupts me. One defense mechanism I use is to try to be talkative at the start and give a persona of a leader, knows how to talk with others, friendly. Now that I've built those appearances it is easy for me to handle the situation and future interactions, for the short-term, little did I know. I found it surprisingly hard to talk to some other people and to talk more with others I've barely talked with. And I'm telling you, I did not run away or stay in the room to avoid social interaction like this kid, but tried to get myself out.

Now I'm fucked and I don't know why. Without being aware I still might be faking a persona of someone confident, strong, can handle the big guys, is good with women. Fuck me.

Why is it that always I'm putting in all the effort at the start to always end up feeling the shittiest.

I just want to be happy and easy going with others, but from a sense of giving and wanting to add value while being full in myself, rather than feeling like I have a hole I need to fill by interaction with others.

Just for your information I'm friendly with this guy, but I envy that he is opening up while being centered and not neurotically faking a strong persona just to feel worse afterwards, like I did. Also, people are starting to interact with him more as they are trying to befriend him and as he is befriending others. I on the other hand feel like some are less talking to me and I get a weird vibe (one kid comes to mind, probably the most liked one. Not because he is alpha or something, but because he is quite philosophical, "spiritual" and talks about life and seems confident in a not neurotic way. Something about him triggers me a bit even though he is chill, but it still tends to come when he comes to mind). I also tend to be a bit of a nice guy, even though I've been working on it a bit.

I am getting this unpleasant feeling I'm behind the curve. Some people also just seem to be easy going with everyone and everyone wants to be with them just because of their personality.

Sometimes I just have enough of it and it's overwhelming that I just have to sit here and write it so that I can get it off, gain awareness and understanding of this leeching problem. I would appreciate if I could get help maybe from you since I know you know a lot about this topic, and also from others. How do I deal with this, it fucking frustrates me, thanks.

@Eph75

@Nahm

Edited August 27, 2021 by fopylo

[Nahm]

@fopylo

Sounds like you’re putting yourself through the ringer my man. Be easier on yourself, more loving with yourself. You’re on day two of a completely new place, experience and people. It’s totally normal for it to take some time to adjust. Let go of the expectation that it’s supposed to be some other way. If you’re nervous, don’t mentally resist, just mentally note - ok, I’m nervous. Makes sense, pretty much everyone has some similar feelings when somewhere new. Allow time to adjust. 

If you sense that you’re overthinking or thinking too much about what people might be thinking of you… stop for a minute and take stock of what it is you really, ultimately want… which is too feel good. Go directly to the breath, to feeling breathing from your stomach, and allow the body to relax. Allow the shoulders to sink, the stomach / waistline to relax, face muscles to relax, etc. Choose what thoughts you focus on, you’re in control of that. Let others feel what they’re thinking, you feel what you’re thinking. Choose what you’re thinking, and zoom out. When you noice you’re sweating a detail, or what one person might think… zoom out to a bigger picture view. Like, this is going to be valuable experience overall for you. It’s tough now, but you’re gaining experience, character, etc. Then next time around in situations like this, that’ll all come to bat naturally for you. And if you feel like you don’t know how to be, or to act, etc… welcome to the club man. Nobody knows. It’s like this movie just has ‘play’. No script. No instructions. Everyone feels like you do sometimes, especially when experiencing something altogether new. And not one person on this planet really knows what they’re doing. 

You experience… you know more of what you don’t prefer & what you do prefer… allow gentle, effortless focus on what you do prefer. That will be your future experience. 

And really, I’ve read a fair amount of your contributions here. Give yourself more credit than you do, honestly. You’re a smart, energetic, driven, creative and ambitious guy. Allow yourself to know and feel that. You have a lot going for you, and you deserve to feel good about it. 

[Eph75]

@Nahm sums it up very well.

@fopylo

You can't fake authentic.

You enter that scene trying to fill some role that you have made into an ideal, under the preconceived idea that others want, need, notice and judge thereafter. 

When reflecting upon that, it's not strange that you get exhausted. It takes a great deal of energy to try to put on and be something that doesn't come naturally.

It usually works for a while, then when it has drained ones energy, maintaining that state is extremely exhausting.

That's when we hit a wall.

Then comes the backlash of feeling "fake", the realization of not allowing authenticity to happen. 

When we get to this point, it's hardly possible to continue trying. We essentially shut down. 

You place a lot of expectation upon yourself, which becomes your own obstacle. 

5 hours ago, fopylo said:

In contrast to him, I have been talkative at the beginning, and now, when people are starting to know each other better I'm getting back into my fucking homeostasis!

Why do you have to be talkative, to take up or reserve some sort of space?

That's an expectation you place upon yourself, and that expectation makes you interact in a forced way.

That's something others can pickup on, the forcefulness of taking precense in whatever situation that is happening. 

The "other kid" you mention seems like he didn't try to fill any shoes whatsoever, although we don't really know anything about that, and allowed himself to be authentically reserved, and the aura of easiness one gets surrounded with by such unpretentiousness is picked upon as more inviting than the opposite which is pretentious forcefulness, which acts as a natural repellant.

As Nahm says, it's just day two and that uneasiness settles with time.

Try not to get caught up with thoughts about what's right or wrong. 

Don't let that breathing suggestion pass you by. Deep, slow breaths expanding your stomach on the in-breath, and absorbing the calm that ensues as pressure gets released in that process is very powerful.

Learning remembering doing this in the very moment as becoming aware of that pressure build-up happening, and anxiety build-up in general, alleviates a great deal of that anxiety and it's easier to not get carried away with whatever thought-feeling carousel we get ourselves caught up with riding. 

Allow yourself to just be yourself - life isn't a competition 

When authentic, it's easier to step outside of one's comfort zone for a moment, and return back into one's comfort after that moment, slowly growing more comfortable and allowing the expanding of that zone, in a safe way. 

Allow authenticity to happen first. 

Edited August 28, 2021 by Eph75

[fopylo]

@Nahm @Eph75

Alright, I've read both of your comments a few times.

I've tried practicing fully focusing on my breathing when I notice myself getting stuck in my head because ultimately I wanted to feel good. It worked for a bit but I then kept on with the conversations.

I am putting on myself expectations and I am starting to feel shit. For some reason it's always at the nights that I feel very shit and drained, like Eph7 said, I hit the wall, exhausted from keeping up with this state. This is perhaps why it strongly hits at night.

But today afternoon I actually had a great time and was laughing with others, the center of attention. But I was the center of attention for something stupid. And people were calling me stupid and weird. Even of they were joking I didn't really know how to respond in an empowering way. Like some guy called me something insulting (I didn't get insulted) as if it was normal and then continued to the conversation but I feel like I had to respond in a more assertive manner and not let people just walk on me.

At this point it is hard for me to tell whether I'm authentic or not. My laughs seem and feel forced and I really don't like it. Sometimes I see myself do that in the mirror or on video and I just cringe.

Anyway this roommate I was talking about before - he really seems to connect with others quite well at this point and I am really envying him and feelings of anger and hate rise. It is also becoming hard for me to connect to others and maintain those friendships.

Even if it's 3 days I can't stand it, can't see how things will get better soon. I want to be friendly and that people will like me and things will be easy going.

But I also really want to be authentic and more assertive.

I am trying to push myself to be someone who I'm not but I can't not do that. You know what, I don't know. I don't have energy for people really and I had really fucking enough of this shit.

Couldn't believe it would follow me even to the camp.

People are building authentic friendships here while I'm forcing my presence, draining myself, and then it is ruining my relationships, and this really frustrates me.

I just want to get to this way of living (like you both described, the more true authentic way).

I had enough. I don't know what to do at that point. I'm trying my best. How am supposed to contact people

[Nahm]

34 minutes ago, fopylo said:

I just want to get to this way of living (like you both described, the more true authentic way).

That would be not thinking about yourself. Be loving. Don’t care what anyone thinks. Don’t even take what you think seriously. Just relax and love whatever is experienced. Stop comparing yourself, trying to one up, be better, etc. Enjoy yourself. Allow other people to think and feel what they want. 
 

Ask people simple questions about them and their interests and just relax and listen. Relationships ensue. 

[Eph75]

@fopylo

What happens if you deliberately choose not to try to be in the "center of attention" [etc] and instead focus on observing without expectations to interact?

You can approach this as deliberately running an experiment. 

Dropping the forced sense of needing to interact may allow for opportunities for more natural, authentic interaction to happen.

1 hour ago, fopylo said:

Couldn't believe it would follow me even to the camp.

You can run, but you can't hide from the part that creates this, your ego. 

You create the world as you perceive it, via your attitudes and your behaviors.

The world is more a product of those attitudes and behaviors, so these are what you need to address and where you can create change for yourself. 

When these change, your world as you experience it will change as a side-effect. 

As long as you focus externally (toward world and phenomena in it) authentic change doesn't happen (as attitudes and behaviors are internally driven). 

Also, if that which you do feels inauthentic, and you want to feel authentic, what can you imagine for yourself being fully authentic would look like?

Edited August 28, 2021 by Eph75

[fopylo]

You both say very similar things.

@Nahm

And how do I practically do the loving and not caring what people think and to stop comparing myself? Is it like Eph7 suggests, to just observe?

@Eph75

The thing is that even tonight I kinda tried the experiment (maybe not, you tell me). I was feeling already so fucking drained and I had to go to some area, and some kids were talking and I was just standing kinda in a conversation and at the same time kinda not. But at some point it just felt weird to stand and not do nothing and not interact. I had to break it by either forcing myself in, like I always do, squeezing the little juice left it me, feeling fake, or, I somehow get out of the situation and escape (which happens less often, and when it does, it feels more relieving).

For your last question, honestly I don't so know. It's been some time since I've felt it. Contemplating for a minute, I believe it's to accept (see and not judge) everything to the point where time ceases to exist for you and you open yourself to deeper emotions and the depths of challenging emotional situations with flow.

By the way, this night, since I feel drained and tried to experience 'not faking it', my tone was very apathetic, and I don't know how good I feel about it. It still doesn't feel that pleasant, yet in some way it was a small release from having to to exhaust myself faking myself.

[Nahm]

@fopylo

Yes. Just witnessing, observing, being. That could also be said as being without judgement, without conditions & expectations, without analyzing, etc … or simply just being presence, or shifting awareness from thought, to perception & feeling. Thought activity then settles, which feels relaxed and even connective. Imo it’s part of a slightly bigger picture. Often people try to go from a discordant emotion straight to a very aligned emotion, neglecting to let go of the thought or perspective which is creating the discordant emotion first. It can be tricky because there is often a reluctance for one to come to terms that one is creating the discord. Often the settling of thoughts into bodily relaxation is the key or game changer, then it can be seen when we are projecting, or, saying I feel this way because of him, her, them, the world, etc. 

[Nahm]

Also… it’s literally not possible to not be in first person perspective, if I understand what is meant by that term to you. Even if you are aware of thoughts, about what other people might be thinking, that is still from the first person perspective. 

With the entirely new experience you have going on, and all these suggestions… if I could draw out what is singularly most fundamentally helpful, imo it’s feeling breathing from the stomach. Consciously stomach breathing. Every system of the body responds favorably with relaxation and calm… peacefulness. Then the mind unwinds, slows down, relaxes. Then more perception and feeling are taken in, so to speak. The ‘trick’ is noticing it works. Notice you mentioned it worked. Be aware of that. Make a note of that feeling. Soon you’ll simply bring it to mind and the body will fill with it. This might not cognitively click, you might be thinking this is way to easy and simple to fix all these problems. But it’s like chopping a tree down at ground level, vs starting at the top and chopping a foot at a time. You’re going straight to the root and everything else, literally everything responds. 

[DIDego]

@fopylo This is inspiring in many way's, to mention some, how you and "support" interact , your courage and wiseness, supercool in all levels ❤, thank you for sharing!

 

*After reading this thread, read also some of yours latest post, woke interest for the bigger picture.

 What is pre-military school 6 months and what age are the average in these (pretty big) groups?

Wonderful ? ❤! @Eph75  @Nahm

[Eph75]

@fopylo

Sorry, this got extremely lengthy. 

A different and more tangible form of working on this is to move to the meta plane and start working on self-leadership capability, by building understanding of what self-leadership is, and what kind of strategies there are that both help with these kind of things and also builds a strong foundation to continue working on developmental growth. 

This is a vast topic and something of a life journey in itself, and also central to self-actualization and development in general. Still a limited amount of knowledge about self-leadership and adopting some of the strategies thereof, makes great difference in ones life. 

Self-leadership can emerge out of our struggles as we make achievement to overcome those struggles, but it's also possible to deliberately make ourselves aware of what strategies help us, and that way practice and experiment around those, in real world scenarios - life, and build self-leadership capability. 

This becomes more about adding tools to your toolkit that help with exploring and setting a direction in your life, using self-goal setting and milestones that allows creating a sense of movement, which adds further motivation.

There are different areas to work on and these focus on those behaviors and attitudes mentioned before, which has a direct impact on how we perceive the world. Both in the sense of us seeing the world in a different way as we, should we say "tweak" our behaviors and attitudes, since this affects our own perspective or the lens through which we view the world. Also, in the sense that such "tweaks" changes how the world responds towards those new or changed behaviors and attitudes of ours. 

Behavior strategies that are world-altering, just as it is implies, holds a direct potential to change our world by filling that world with higher quality content, whatever we've determined that to be.

They cover being reminded to take appropriate action, removing negative cues that distract from what we want to focus on, and also increasing positive cues such as visualization of completed goals or tasks, and dreamboards that increases the visual consumption of that which we want more of. Such cues that increases motivation. 

While all self-leadership strategies are important, and they build on each other and reinforce each other, the next category is more related to what you write about in your posts of late. 

These are about self-imposed behavior focus. 

Self-observation is undoubtedly at the heart of this group of strategies, and entails contemplating what kind of behaviors you want more of, and what behaviors you want less of.

This should be done as a formal exercise where you get the stuff down on paper, because other strategies work around these. Not just as a thought exercise. 

Once you have an idea of what these are and you have them recorded, the next step of self-observation it to go back experiencing the world, with the intention to catch yourself when turning to any of the behaviors on your list, positive and negative ones, and record them in a journal. This help raising your awareness around your behaviors in a structured way, and which can be analyzed at a later point. 

Record what the behavior is, what the frequency and duration is, the time of day and the day of the week, and "why" i.e. what kind of internal or external influences took place that made you behave.

Doing this allows you to see patterns emerging which can bring clarity, and it also works as a traffic stop light to catch yourself in the moment, stop, observe - and in extention you can choose a different response, but this is primarily about observing and learning to know your behaviors. 

Next strategy, which is very powerful yet simple and "obvious" in nature is self-goal setting. 

This just like with behaviors above means figuring out who we want to be and where we want to go. Think of this as a broader and distant vision, then use this to identify separate, tangible and manageable goals that represent steps in the direction of that vision. 

Don't be too concerned with finding a perfect vision. This is more about creating movement. As we move, we gain new perspectives and our vision is likely to change or need adjusting based on what our changed perspective offers. We can't predict the future, but this way we gain a basic understanding of how we actively influence the future and the world we experience, by controlling the only thing we can control, our own behaviors and attitudes. 

These self-goals need to be specific so that you know what you need to do. And they should be challenging while still being achievable. Look into some goal setting frameworks such as SMART goals if you haven't already, they help you with setting up such goals.

Also try to find long-term and short-term goals. There can be vision, milestones as long-term goals and short term goals that support each other.

This really calls for self-examination to figure this out, which isn't easy, but grows easier as we practice, and brings clarity as we start achieving goals. 

This isn't about external goals per se, but about behavior changing goals, as self-leadership is about our internal processes. These goals will translate into external achievement as well, but the focus is on our behaviors and attitudes. 

Next up and closely related to self-goal setting and vision is Purpose. 

When finding a purpose with our existence it helps envisioning where we should strive going (via self-goal setting). 

Who are you? What am I meant to do here? What am I trying to do with my life? What do I value most? And so on. 

This isn't the same as the spiritual sense of who you are, but the ego sense, what you want to pursue to create your own sense of meaning. 

Happiness is strongly linked to the  accomplishing of goals that are supported by underlying purpose. Again, the sense of movement in an envisioned direction. 

Two other strategies, that relate to each other, is Self-reward and Self-punishment. 

The latter I'd say is mostly about becoming aware of it and how we use it, and to deliberately replace Self-punishment with a sequence intention, action and Self-reward. 

Essentially, Self-punishment is useful to make us feel bad around and prevent repeating behaviors that we perceive is very bad. This is a difficult categorization, why it's better to just use awareness about self-punishment happening, and to deliberately switch towards a positive behavior, and self-reward that change.

Both self-reward and self-punishment can be physical or mental, or a combination. 

Mentally speaking, envisioning a high-five, pat on the back or slap in the face, or positive or negative self-talk that either lift us up or put us down, placing labels on ourselves, that encourages or disencourages ourselves. 

Physically speaking, it could be something like a good snack, dinner, activity we enjoy, or whatever else that we like.

Self-reward is what makes us come back for more, and a good part of these strategies is to learn to use them in a reinforcing way. So it's about creating a strong pattern of rewarding existing behaviors, and to help shift towards desired behaviors. 

An example can be that when we catch ourselves in the moment of a previously identified undesirable behavior, we self-reward ourselves, e.g. mentally by telling ourselves something like "Ha! Good catch, we'll done mate!", then we switch to a determined desired behavior, create a shift, and finally reward ourselves again for choosing a desired behavior. Even though mental self-rewards are powerful, treating yourself to a good dinner out on the town might be even more powerful due to making it more formal. So it's important to combine both.

You can even think of rewards in advance, when I achieve X I will physically self-reward by treating myself with Y. The greater the behavior achievement, the more significant reward. 

The mind can be a powerful motivation tool, but we need to use it in a strategic way.

The last one I'll mention is Constructive thought, but there are many more strategies to look into.

These make up the core strategies that help us to architect our behavioral focus toward that which we authentically desire - and create a better world experience. 

Constructive thought includes being aware of how we use our mind and how this affects us, and the choosing to use our mind in such ways that support the self-goals we have setup for ourselves. 

Some things included here are:

Self-talk can be very powerful as a positive tool, but it's more common to use self-talk to reinforce negativity. By becoming mindful of our self-talk, we can systematically change the content of our self-talk towards positive self-talk, and the reduction of negative self-talk. 

Our beliefs and assumptions are a big part of what makes up the world as we experince it. These beliefs haven't been imposed upon us, we have unconsciously adopted them, and we can deliberately replace them.

Assumptions are a big part of reinforcing existing beliefs, as they are extensions of our current beliefs, and fills in the blanks with biased self-made-up content. 

By explicitly making less assumptions fosters curiosity to find out more, and healthy interactions with others, which in turn help making our beliefs less ridig and more shapable. 

Thought patterns emerges as we observe. What these patterns are and how they affect us, and which patterns serve us well is important to become aware of. 

Finally how we relate to Failure, what failure represents for us, what it does to us, and how we can redefine failure from something bad and into a natural part of learning and development.

Learning more about how we have connected failure with our fears and how this acts as a demotivator. This helps making it easier to manage pursuing more challenging goals.

This is just an invitation to looking into self-leadership as a phenomena. There are good resources out there, and a book I can recommend is Self-leadership: The Definitive Guide to Personal Excellence. 

All of this build on the ability to deal with the challenges life brings us, not by specifically addressing the content/narrative but going at the systemic, structural make-up of how we see and relate to the world, and consequently, the sense of self-efficacy we have related our abilities to deal with whatever situations that may arise. 

Again, apologies for this wall of text 

@DIDego ❤️

Edited August 29, 2021 by Eph75

[hamedsf]

fix your self-confidence and self-esteem issues! 

[fopylo]

@Eph75

So as the days are going along, I'm starting to realize that it is like I have a cycle of feeling good and not good. Everyday. There is morning, lunch, afternoon, evening, and night - At least in one of those I don't feel good, anxious, worried, depressed. When I catch myself in such situations I try to focus on my breath and I have kind of a mantra that goes something like "ultimately, all I want is to feel good, and I'm trying to do this through thinking and analyzing, which doesn't work. So I'll shift my focus into perception because I believe that could be the answer to what I really wanted".

Anyways, so yesterday I felt shit, and today also a bit shit. I'm getting worried about being attached to one person here because I know how it can fuck me. I would like to be part of them. Remember this shy kid I was talking about, the authentically reserved kid who is becoming open? That kid is quite the center of attention now. This kid is so open now, and when I mean open I don't mean talking about himself (although he still did a bit), but mostly making jokes and having the confidence to say and act how he wants and they all love him. Oh and that kid I said I envy because of his leadership capabilities and incredible presence? Both of those kids became very good friends. I imagine you can understand how this might feel after following up until now.

I'm becoming myself socially anxious, again, like once. Old limiting beliefs about myself are slowly growing again.

But man... I'm going to live with these people. The growth is so fucking painful. It is painful for me to open genuinely to people, without being fake, and to look them in the eyes, and not do this forcefully like I'm trying to get somewhere. I've also noticed the recurring belief that I fear people being above me. And it is shocking how powerful of a belief that is. It must be one of the most powerful limiting beliefs I have. This limits me from genuinely connecting with people, but most importantly - limits me from letting true emotions flow in the moment.

I'm like: How do I fucking let go? Why should I just express my true emotions? Am I less than them? Do I, I, the great powerful person, need the love and compassion of others? I don't need any man to make me feel he knows more than me, I feel like I'm way wiser than them. And especially with women, scared to be some Mama's child. Those limits are obviously shaped by past experiences.

Today at the afternoon, I'll be honest, I was scared to go out of the room to the meeting (all day we have many group meetings). Everybody there were becoming real good friends. Dude, what the fuck. They are like being super good friends. And I feel like I'm left out because they are already becoming friends, and my limiting beliefs are getting stronger.

Close to the end of the day I was like 'fuck it' and I was able to briefly let go a bit to allow myself to show my boredom and tiredness (not he deepest), and at the last meeting I was showing here and there, very quickly signs of tiredness that was a bit depressed style, sad style.But that was fucking scary and I don't know what my mind was trying to do. I am getting very very overwhelmed from those simple interactions. Can't let it be that some other person has power over me, that I am the one who is opening up and he/she is the one who is supporting, that I am the weak (I know this takes courage and everything, but it can still feel like weak, and it also depends on how you open up, you need good timing and to have tact.

By the way, I feel like I need to read again what you wrote, so sorry if I'm annoying. Your help is not taken for granted, and I'm so fucking glad you are here. You are giving me lots of hope so thanks.

@Nahm Regardless of everything discussed, I'd like to have a session with you. I'll contact you. I know how much it will help me, especially now, when thing are more real and not airy-fairy what if, but actually happening right now.

[Eph75]

There's a middle road between trying to be something that isn't authentically you, and opening up and exposing yourself fully.

There's also "not playing the game", not trying to do anything, and just going along with those urges that you've already experienced where it seems to come naturally, and not judging yourself when it doesn't. 

No one expects anything from you, except for yourself that is.

Do you feel that you want to open up and there being a discrepancy between that need and the self judgment that it is being seen as you being weak? 

Or, are you still trying to find a new way in an attempt to be accepted and liked by others? 

I'm not picking up on which it is, but it feels like it's still the latter. Same thing just showing up in a different disguise. 

You're still way caught up a thought story playing out at this camp. 

On 2021-08-31 at 9:08 PM, fopylo said:

By the way, I feel like I need to read again what you wrote, so sorry if I'm annoying. Your help is not taken for granted, and I'm so fucking glad you are here. You are giving me lots of hope so thanks.

I think that's a good idea, try and not go along with the thought stories you are playing out in your mind. 

A lot has been said so it's more about finding how to implement a different way of thinking than trying to find an answer to the questions rasied by the content of that story.

The story is the distraction and what needs focus is refining the attitudes and behaviors in you that create the world view that allows that story to play out in your mine. 

That is developmental growth, everything else is distraction. 

Also, you need to make an effort to drop everything that resembles comparing yourself with others. Nothing good comes out of that. It's just another distraction that effectively hold you back. 

I'm here to help so it's in no way annoying, I just hope that you manage to find something in all this, and past posts, that can help you facilitate the shift/shifts in your mind that you need to feel that you get some positive movement 

Edited September 1, 2021 by Eph75

[fopylo]

@Eph75

Do you feel that you want to open up and there being a discrepancy between that need and the self judgment that it is being seen as you being weak?

Yes.

Or, are you still trying to find a new way in an attempt to be accepted and liked by others? 

Oh shit.. you got me. It shifts sometimes, depending on how important it is to survive in the current situation. When I feel that I want attention, or envy that others are being more loved and in the center of attention - I try to find a new way, yes.

 

Yeah, so eventually I read your post again after I wrote my previous post. It helped me understand a bit better about how to get out of a rut and start riding my life.

Your knowledge about authenticity is fascinating, and I appreciate that you're helping me get going through this big lifestyle shift.

Thing is that I don't have really time to seriously go over most of your posts. I can try to read here and there, but the quite time at night that I have with myself isn't that long, emphasis on quite (I do have sometimes alone, but not enough quite to think deep about this and concentrate). That's why I still sometimes write stuff, hopefully as I'm already subconsciously integrating stuff you've already wrote.

[Eph75]

@fopylo

Man, there's so much time, it's just that you are in a rush. That sense of urgency created by your need to be something you're not.

That urgency is false.

In time you'll look back at this moment and see this with clarity. 

Whether you go back and read through everything again in an hour, a day, a week or months matters less, and makes less difference from a bigger perspective. 

It's the intention to create change that matters. The time scale is corrupted.

Pausing those thought stories is more important so that you can get some space to breath, and be, to regroup and come back to all this with a more sober mind ❤️