How to start a conversation with a stranger

[Molaric]

I was wondering on how to start a conversation with someone and how to sustain a conversation, as I often only talk about a few things but then just stop talking because I can't really think of anything meaningful to say. Right now I have really bad social skills, but I'm seeing slow improvements day by day.

[Preety_India]

Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. 

Practice. Practice. Practice. Practice. 

 

(that's what I did, I have social anxiety) 

 

[Kalki Avatar]

When you put expectations on yourself like becoming better at social skills and women, you pressure yourself and almost always fck up. 

The trick is that the self improvement has to occur almost unconsciously without intention of wanting to improve. The reason one improve is because of survival. If you truly were to see yourself almost dying, you would take action without much thought. Alot of courage and action will rise naturally. If you place yourself in an enviornment, without looking to get better at social skills, you will improve through time automatically. Either a job or going to the same club like its your home. You just stay there in social enviornments without looking for results and expectations. You will then truly improve alot faster. 

Then only after you have built some decent confidence and skill, you may intentionally start to aim with some expectation. Still, I dont use expectations. I let the enviornment make me improve. 

[Molaric]

2 minutes ago, Kalki Avatar said:

When you put expectations on yourself like becoming better at social skills and women, you pressure yourself and almost always fck up. 

The trick is that the self improvement has to occur almost unconsciously without intention of wanting to improve. The reason one improve is because of survival. If you truly were to see yourself almost dying, you would take action without much thought. Alot of courage and action will rise naturally. If you place yourself in an enviornment, without looking to get better at social skills, you will improve through time automatically. Either a job or going to the same club like its your home. You just stay there in social enviornments without looking for results and expectations. You will then truly improve alot faster. 

Then only after you have built some decent confidence and skill, you may intentionally start to aim with some expectation. Still, I dont use expectations. I let the enviornment make me improve. 

I don't care too much about the result or expectation as much as I used to, but I still want to measure progress to see what I need to change and all that. I feel like forcing action (in moderation as to avoid ego backlash) is what works best for me as I tend to stick to hard things once I get started.

[ndm678]

I agree with @Preety_India, just get out there and do it already! you'll find your rhythm, trust the process.

[Kalki Avatar]

@Molaric You will know when you are progressing without doubt. If you still dont know if you are getting better is because you are not getting better, but still has to keep going/repeating. 

Only force yourself to be in such enviornments like is the gym. Its a social gym. After you are there, you will work out as you wish but definitively will. 

Built a strong sense of identity by accumulation on knowledge, habits and karma. Thats how core confidence/strong personality is Built. Only from that ground you will feel confident in your own persona to make your personal decisions and not fall onto others frames and bs. 

Edited August 26, 2021 by Kalki Avatar

[Leo Gura]

Talk about yourself, all the petty small details that you would normally not tell anyone because you think they wouldn't care.

Like this:

"This morning I rolled out of bed late and stubbed my toe on the nightstand. Then I burnt my piece of toast and put some butter on it. The butter was from Wholefoods. Organic, grass fed butter, but this is a new brand I never tried before because they ran out of my other favorite brand. I think I like this new brand better, it has a better texture and better packaging...."

And just keep going.

[Emerald]

My recommendation is to go into social scenarios... like meet-up groups, farmers markets, festivals, etc. 

And when you're there, make a point to spark up conversations with 6 strangers (3 male and 3 female). 

It doesn't have to be anything crazy. You can just do some small talk about the weather and other such things.

This will give you practice socializing so that you get comfortable with it.  

[AdamR95]

@Molaric Try to record yourself on a phone and everyday try to talk about anything for 5minuts without pauses and try to make it interesting and smooth. When you dont know what to say look at your enviroment and associate it with some topic and from that topic you can associate another topic etc. This is a good supplement for your conversation skills but be sure to practise with real people too.

[Flowerfaeiry]

Notice little things they say and find out more details about it. Like if they talk about going to the beach ask them what beach. If they talk about their annoying sister ask them if the sister is older or younger. If they say they need to get a new phone ask them when the last time they replaced it was. 

 

[JonasVE12]

Watch the fearless man on youtube, it explains what this filter is and how to get rid of it. It's not difficult, but it requires consistent action from your part.

What I do is that I go outside and meet someone new everyday. I made this commitment and so everyday after work, I go outside and I walk up to a stranger and say 'Hi, I saw you sitting here and thought I'd join you for a second, what's your name?' Or something that I relevant to that specific situation. For example yesterday I was walking next to a guy who was carrying his bike that had like 4 front lights, so I commented on that with a playful teasing energy. And it's all about the underlying emotional frame that gets the conversation flowing. When you have to think about what you have to say, automatically the other person will feel that disconnect. Good thing is that you will become a lot more embodied and connected to your emotions once you have some experience. 

[LastThursday]

The hardest part is starting a conversation.

With anyone, if you make eye contact, then you should start talking soon after and don't leave it too long. You need a hook, i.e. something to talk about. If you find the person attractive, then saying something about their appearance is useful, like "hey, nice shoes I really like the colour", don't go overboard though. Otherwise, talk about something that's going on around you, if you're in an art gallery: "don't you think Dali is amazing? Have you ever been to Figueres...", if you're in a coffee shop: "I always go for a latte, but I'm thinking something different today, what would you go for?" and so on. Don't talk about the weather, or politics or religion, keep it light and breezy.

[Spiral]

Doesn’t matter what you say. Although bonus points if you can provide value somehow.

I will (for once) agree with pretty and say that practice is really all that matters.

[flowboy]

On 26/08/2021 at 11:26 PM, Molaric said:

I was wondering on how to start a conversation with someone and how to sustain a conversation, as I often only talk about a few things but then just stop talking because I can't really think of anything meaningful to say.

Here's your sticking point. You have a filter on what you are willing to say. How much of what goes on inside you, you are willing to share.

The requirement: "meaningful", is probably only the tip of the iceberg.

How many other requirements for what you say, do you have?

Does it have to:

• Not make you look stupid?
• Not make the other person feel bad?
• Not make the other person be mad at you?
• Not be too revealing about your inner psychology?
• Not make you look weak?
• Not make the other person judge you as ...?

When you can't think of anything to say, how would you feel about saying: "I can't think of anything to say?"

A conversation only comes to a halt when thoughts or feelings come up that you aren't willing to share. (Or aren't aware of, or don't know how to put into words)

For example, when one person talks about something that seems smart and interesting, and you can't think of anything meaningful to say, it might be because you don't actually care or understand that topic, and would rather talk about something else.

So why not talk about something else?

Edited September 4, 2021 by flowboy

[Eph75]

@Molaric

I'd say to the contrary to @Leo Gura that you shouldn't start talking about youself, you need to figure out the personality of the other, and not default to self. 

Start to ask about that other, people are generally self-absorbed and love talking about themselves. So ask them about some aspect about them. If they go on a rant, you know that that's an endless source to tap into. What they do, what they enjoy, what they.. whatever. 

In case they answer short, such as "yes" , "no" , "not really" , "I don't know" , "nothing special" , "same as usual" , or something like that, or immediately shifts it back towards you, you know they are not comfortable to talk about themselves or not good with small-talk, often self-esteem related, and you can more comfortably switch back to yourself so that they can ride along in a conversation. 

My experience is that the ones that are uncomfortable with self will shift the conversation away from themselves.

It's harder to find the middle ground people. It might help to finding something they are interested in, by talking about your interests, only briefly, and then switching back to asking what their interests are might give a lead.

Even introverts and low self-esteem people like talking about their own interests when getting a good response around such topics from the conversation partner. 

If you hit that nerve with an introvert, connection can build fast.

I'd say that with the extrovert or self-centered, you don't really build a connection by doing that, since they are more self-absorbed (saying that in a non-judgemental way) in that conversation, while the introvert appreciates that connection.

You quickly notice the ones that are more balanced in interactions where there is a dynamic about them that clicks with your personality, asking about you and you asking about them, creating a flow. 

Anywho, this just my perspective and my experiences around becoming comfortable with making connections with people, as me being an introvert. 

 

Edited September 4, 2021 by Eph75

[gettoefl]

when you leave the house have half dozen topical ice breakers up your sleave:

1. how about them dodgers, huh? (insert any sports team or sports personality)

2. looks like Biden is up to his old tricks again, huh? (insert any politician here who has made a misstep)

3. you think we are ever going to get a summer this year? (some innocuous question about the weather)

4. can you believe just 83 days to christmas, have you been naughty or nice this year?

5. sheesh is the news media ever going to stop talking about Britney Spears? (insert someone famous)

6. i'm so bummed Ronnie Wood just died, were you into him or ever saw the Stones live (insert anyone who has died)

 

these work fine at bus stops, supermarket lines, coffee shops if you can snag a nearby table etc.

sometimes i stop at my local bus stop just to have a chit chat ... have never taken a bus 

Edited September 11, 2021 by gettoefl

[Molaric]

On 9/4/2021 at 8:41 AM, flowboy said:

Here's your sticking point. You have a filter on what you are willing to say. How much of what goes on inside you, you are willing to share.

The requirement: "meaningful", is probably only the tip of the iceberg.

How many other requirements for what you say, do you have?

Does it have to:

• Not make you look stupid?
• Not make the other person feel bad?
• Not make the other person be mad at you?
• Not be too revealing about your inner psychology?
• Not make you look weak?
• Not make the other person judge you as ...?

When you can't think of anything to say, how would you feel about saying: "I can't think of anything to say?"

A conversation only comes to a halt when thoughts or feelings come up that you aren't willing to share. (Or aren't aware of, or don't know how to put into words)

For example, when one person talks about something that seems smart and interesting, and you can't think of anything meaningful to say, it might be because you don't actually care or understand that topic, and would rather talk about something else.

So why not talk about something else?

I do have those filters/requirements you mentioned above, and if I usually run out of things to say I would just stand/sit in silence until something pops up.

[flowboy]

5 minutes ago, Molaric said:

I do have those filters/requirements you mentioned above, and if I usually run out of things to say I would just stand/sit in silence until something pops up.

So what are the things that you are not saying, in that moment?

The key is to find a good way to say them anyways.

My guess is that you are feeling a particular way in that moment, that you haven't found a socially acceptable way to express yet.