People don't display the same persona in texting or online as in real life

[charlie cho]

Even the people who seemed to defer to me in reality, people who would sometimes want my approval outside, when talking in text, they suddenly pretend to not see my texts, not answer on purpose, or they are genuinely not interested 

Whatever it is, texts and online communication leaves more room for deception, and it's hard for me to assess what the person is thinking. It would be a lie that a person will not pretend to be busy or pretend to treat me as insignificant through texts but at the same time, I feel I read into these things too much myself.

I found myself having no problems dealing with people in the social realm outside of texting or online social media. I usually never did social media until the age of 21 years old and would just text. I was one of those people where you shouldn't even text because I would never see them. I would advise people to call me instead in advance because that is much simpler. Now, I saw some importance in texting and social media so I use it both for making more friendship staying connected and dating. But the social dynamics are so weird in texting and social media that my head aches. It just looks so different from the real world and it is! I already had problems with 3 friends over this, and one girl I've been talking to in the last, in which I would never had problems if I had never used social media in the first place I'm sure. 

How do you deal with the social dynamics within online communication and texting and social media?

Edited August 26, 2021 by charlie cho

[hamedsf]

If you're talking about women stop texting you or leaving you on read, it's because they have already lots of insecurities towards men. women are afraid of men and if you say something they might think something else, start startling and then ignore completely.

and if you're talking about men, they may space out because they don't need you really. 

[charlie cho]

@hamedsf because they don't need me.... 

hmmm. That's a very healthy way to make or break off friendship with people

But what do you think. I'm a person who will downright tell them to their face directly what I think of them. Whether I value what they do or not. I just can't conceive of people who will not directly tell me what they think of me because I tend mostly not to do that. I just need a confirmation about this.

Edited August 26, 2021 by charlie cho

[hamedsf]

@charlie cho Yep, kick 'em out from their rear side! 

[charlie cho]

@hamedsf what do you think, maybe lying ain't a bad thing. Indirectness isn't a bad thing. I am recently trying to incorporate indirectness and lying in my arsenal of communication, because I've found life ain't all about directness. But it seems that at least one has to be authentic to the other person, lest one must not be too direct, no matter what the situation. Show it through a look or an authentic gesture of how you really think of that person, not by simply cutting the communication off. 

Would you agree there are some men who are like women? They are insecure about their friendship with the guy, so they do some feminine bullshit. 

And about women being insecure about men. Really? The fuck. So I've made mistakes with women like this so many times. I've experienced this so many times. They would answer fast but they would leave me on read. Really? I've got so fed up at the end that recently I've kind of lashed out at the last girl I've been texting because I thought she was so wishy washy about me. I was so fed up I told her "Is this how you treat your friends? Being wishy washy?" or something to that effect. Told her to tell me to "fuck off" if she doesn't want me to talk to her, and she wouldn't say it. She just wouldn't tell me to "fuck off" or "go away", which made me drive up the wall. Adding to this, if it's a bit funny haha, I told her that maybe that's why all her friends are clowns because she makes 1000s of friends, but have no depth in them. Level 0 in friendship building hahahaa. (I know it's a bit cruel but it's funny)

Am I the only person that are able to tell people "fuck off" ? Lol.

Edited August 26, 2021 by charlie cho

[Leo Gura]

30 minutes ago, charlie cho said:

I feel I read into these things too much myself.

That is the problem. You're too attached and needy.

The real solution is to be so busy doing important work that you don't really care about who texts you or doesn't.

Notice how attached you're getting to such petty things as texts. You're allowing symbols on a screen to dictate your life! Contemplate the absurdity of it.

[hamedsf]

@charlie cho maybe. but yeah, women are full of insecurities (especially when it's online and she doesn't know you in person) 

it might be so laughable for us men, but women constantly are afraid of men being axe murders and end up killing them. ??

[charlie cho]

@hamedsf quite insulting that a girl will think of me as an axe murderer. A crazy person? yes, but an axe murderer. Very insulting.

Edited August 26, 2021 by charlie cho

[hoodrow trillson]

OP, all that matters is real life interaction.  Basically, the thing you've already been doing well.  If you're authentic in real life (it sounds like you are), that's all that fucking matters.  People are glued onto their phones 24/7 these days (me included) and them not replying or seeing your messages and all that shit is just a way to come off as busy or cool.  There's a sort of social anxiety in texting these days and trust me people do see the notifications but they won't reply or entertain it until later.  Why is this a thing?  My theory is that they've been burned before or have been in your position once and had to hastily adapt to texting/social media in a way that doesn't make them seem 'needy'

Online/texting is where people can be pussies.  It's akin to posting a comment on Youtube.

I disagree with Leo in classing you as 'needy' and 'attached'.  I think you might be a straight shooter and you aim to kill but the other person is just pussy footing around.  

It reminds me of when someone on social media just likes the compliments left on their photo, for example--but as soon as they get someone that calls them ugly or stupid publicly, they write huge paragraphs in a response.  lmao

 

 

[hamedsf]

7 minutes ago, charlie cho said:

@hamedsf quite insulting that a girl will think of me as an axe murderer. A psycho, yes, but an axe murderer. Insulting indeed. 

??

[Karmadhi]

I also used to suffer from this in the past. It REALLY bothered me when people ignored my texts or took way too long to reply or left me on read or were generally quite cold compared to real life. It was painful. However what fixed it for me was to develop a new attitude and not give much value to texting in general. I either use it in group chats or to catch up with people. If i really want to talk to someone i will just arrange a meeting. Be busy with other stuff and have a big social circle so each individual becomes less important. And for the love of god do not attach your relationship with someone on how they text you. PLEASE. 

[charlie cho]

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

The real solution is to be so busy doing important work that you don't really care about who texts you or doesn't.

it still takes time for my mind to process this

Quote

Notice how attached you're getting to such petty things as texts. You're allowing symbols on a screen to dictate your life! Contemplate the absurdity of it.

Why do I find it hard to understand this? 

Edited August 26, 2021 by charlie cho

[gettoefl]

12 hours ago, charlie cho said:

 

Why do I find it hard to understand this? 

you are allowing random things you have no control over to effect your state of mind and therefore quality of life

[charlie cho]

Good point. But I let words in real life situations, not only in texts, take control of my life and effect my state of mind too. So what's the difference between people's real life interaction "words" and the "texts" that are written online? The only difference is that I don't get so emotional in real life situations because I know what they mean easily and read their minds so much easier, but I get so emotional on texts maybe because I don't understand what they mean exactly and it angers me that I don't. That is weird, but I don't see any difference between spoken words and texts. Forgive me if I'm too blunt but that this is quite true for me.

Edited August 27, 2021 by charlie cho

[gettoefl]

27 minutes ago, charlie cho said:

Good point. But I let words in real life situations, not only in texts, take control of my life and effect my state of mind too. So what's the difference between people's real life interaction "words" and the "texts" that are written online? The only difference is that I don't get so emotional in real life situations because I know what they mean easily and read their minds so much easier, but I get so emotional on texts maybe because I don't understand what they mean exactly and it angers me that I don't. That is weird, but I don't see any difference between spoken words and texts. Forgive me if I'm too blunt but that this is quite true for me.

written words are tricky, have nuance and layers and personal history ... best is use them as sparingly as possible ... if unsure, fire back a pointed question to the other person like, 'is your meaning here positive' or 'can you explain what you mean by x'

[Thought Art]

texting is like 90% projection

[charlie cho]

@gettoefl that's probably the wise choice. All in all, I do need to learn how to be detached from whatever it is I'm doing. In this case, it would be social media and texting. I have been indeed letting them get into me psychologically. Wasn't aware of this before Leo and you pointed it out

[charlie cho]

@Thought Art hmmmm.... Then I guess real life interactions leaves a fewer room for projections? Is that what you mean? Hence, texting can be quite too obscure by nature as opposed to real life interactions. 

I would like to point out if am I the only one that has his insecurities come out more when I text than in real life interactions? Or do others feel this too? I feel like many feel this. I've had people get angry at me in the past for not texting fast enough, and I apologized.... Hmm. I find this very weird. Is there something inherent in texts, letters that make people more insecure? Now, I find myself having been that same person. haha. 

Edited September 4, 2021 by charlie cho

[flowboy]

On 26/08/2021 at 8:56 PM, charlie cho said:

But what do you think. I'm a person who will downright tell them to their face directly what I think of them. Whether I value what they do or not. I just can't conceive of people who will not directly tell me what they think of me because I tend mostly not to do that. I just need a confirmation about this.

I'm someone who will tell people the uncomfortable direct truth as I see it. Because I appreciate that from others as well.

However, over the years I've developed and grown into a way of doing that ... more tactfully. And more importantly, more lovingly.

How well people take this, is related directly to the place it's coming from: are you being honest because you love them and deeply empathize with them, and know that they can do better? In a warm way? Or are you simply saying what feels good to say, because expressing judgments without any tact is the most easy thing to do? Which would feel more cold and self-righteous, when doing it.

Even when doing it out of the highest vibrational intentions, still many people won't like it.

Which begs the question: do you want to be popular, or do you want to be brutally honest with everyone?

Because the brutally honest thing is only sustainable between a small circle of intimate friends.

Doing it to everyone is just setting yourself up to be disliked. People will think you are being an inconsiderate asshole, and they would be right. Because saying whatever you want without concern for someone's ego or sensitivities, if they didn't ask you to, is quite an unloving act. (Which I used to do the shit of when I was younger - didn't have many friends). It communicates that you don't care how someone else feels, you just care about how you see things. Which explains why people may think you're right and you make interesting points when you talk to them, but then still don't want to meet up and connect with you. Because they already picked up on you not caring about their humanity.

People don't remember what you say, they remember how you made them feel.

 

Disclaimer: this is just how it worked for me. It's a massive projection. Maybe we have this in common, maybe we don't and I'm totally off.

Edited September 4, 2021 by flowboy

[Spiral]

Well I dislike texting so with me it would be nothing personal.